(April 1, 2006) BOSTON - Accepting the inevitable tramping of progress, the
textfiles.com online history site has announced a merger with Google, Inc. of
Mountain View, CA. Exact financial terms have not been disclosed, but the assumption
is that it was somewhere in the neighborhood of A Dozen Fat Sacks of Mad Cash.
Founded in 1998, textfiles.com is considered the premier source of BBS-era textfiles,
ranging from the hilarious to almost but not quite hilarious. Google, also founded in
1998, is considered to have done a lot more with the same amount of time.
"It's a perfect fit," said Jason Scott, organizer and head librarian of textfiles.com.
"I get a staff of 20 underneath me to sort through all this crap, and Google finally
gets their hands on the remaining pile of text they haven't yet indexed." Mr. Scott did
not indicate if he was going to move to California to complete the deal or if he was
going to make good on his oft-repeated plot to overthrow the principality of Sealand.
Larry Page and Sergey Brin, founders of Google and just the kind of guys who wouldn't
sue the DNA out of someone pulling a prank, said "We remember the days of 2400 baud
and never having enough warez to get a good ratio; our partnership with textfiles.com
ensures that we will have amazing scene cred for between 10-20 minutes before we ruin
the whole site with advertising."
The question of advertising on textfiles.com has been one of great debate, considering
it doesn't have any and that's friggin' nuts. With the addition of text ads, the site
should go from losing money hand over first to making millions. "Besides," said Scott,
"They're TEXT ADS. How the hell will you even notice they're there?"
Google's stock price briefly raised upon the news of the merger, then floated quickly
back to the norm, indicating a general market reaction of "meh".