Romance (Mudrasslin Chicks Strike Paydirt)
by deirdre, 9/17/94

I read the title.  I *almost* burst out laughing.  "Let me guess!" I said, 
"Your husband picked out this one!"

Jean glanced over at the video I was holding.  "Can't fool you!" she answered.

"And did *you* pick out one, too?"  I pulled the other video out of the bag.  
I stared at it for a second.  I knew this video very well.

"Yep, one for each of us!" Jean replied.  I couldn't believe she'd rented this 
video.  Without lifting my face, I peeked at her under my eyebrows.  She was 
watching me.  Did she see me peek?

I was so nervous.  It was so unexpected.  I had to think of something natural 
to say.  "What's it about?"  I lied.  Well, actually I pretended I hadn't 
heard of the video.  She was watching me!  She must be watching for my 
reaction.  She must be *interested* in me!

"Oh, it's about a woman who goes to Reno to get a divorce and ends up having 
an affair."  No, she didn't say it--not anything about *that*.  I felt so 
embarrassed.  What should I say?  She was *definitely* watching me.  I 
shouldn't have pretended I didn't know what it was about.  I could have made a 
*knowing comment*.  This had been my big chance--a thousand of my dreams come 
true--and I pretended I didn't know the video!  She was waiting for me to 
speak.  I had to talk again.

"Well, that's just *fantasy* for you.  I don't think *you're* aiming to get a 
divorce and have an affair."  It was fairly natural sounding.  But I knew my 
subconcious was trying to give her the chance to volunteer more.

"Who knows?  Maybe there are affairs I could have that wouldn't *bother* Jim." 
 
I was *floored*.  My heart was beating so fast.  Yes, she was peeking at me, 
to see how I reacted.  I had made myself come so many times thinking about a 
moment like this.  She *wanted* me.  I *knew* she did.  And I wanted her *so 
bad*!

She *must* know!  She's figured me out!  She *knows* I know!

I giggled.  A nervous giggle?  A little.  Like it was all a joke.  What was 
wrong with me?  If I hadn't recognized the video, I figured I would be finding 
this all to be a joke.  This was my big chance, but there was that part of me 
that wanted to hide--to appear normal.  And I didn't want her to know I had 
lied.  "Well, enjoy yourselves!"  A non-committal comment.  A *nothing* 
comment.

I was off.  I could have... admitted that I knew that video.  Or else I could 
have innocently suggested that we watch it together.  Or just *looked* at her 
openly.  But I *didn't*.  She'll figure I'll see the video some day.  She'll 
figure I'll remember this day and conversation.  She knows someday I'll 
*know*.

I'm so embarrassed.  How can I face her again?  She'll be wondering if I know 
yet.  Back to my dreams.  She'll always be in my dreams.