_The Unsinkable Cassiopeia, Pt. I, Section A, Chapter 1, Subsection (b)_ (Last time, we left our heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle, at the brink of...oh, never mind.) "Ship ahoy, Captain." Sez the extra. "Who is it? Can you make out his color?" Shouted the Dread Pirate Thoth. "Hold on...It's HIM!" Him. That can only mean one person. The person who is the dreadest pirate on the Seven Seas, dreader than even dread pirate Thoth himself. The person whose name is fearfully whispered by shipping merchants while checking behind their backs. The person whose name sends shivers down the spines of the sailors of the royal fleet. The person whose name is used to scare little children when they don't behave. The person whose name sends dogs, cats, and other assorted animals scurrying for cover, whimpering all the while. The person whose name is... Mr. Bubble. Captain Thoth and Orbis stood by the rails and watched the majestic galley, the Porcelain Piscina, glide effortlessly and silently, except for the sails batting in the wind, the creaking of the hull, and the grunting of the sailors hard at work, toward them. Thoth wondered why Mr. Bubble would be sailing in this part of the world. His questions will be answered shortly, as the Porcelain Piscina slid close to the Ayukawa Madoka. Thoth watched silently as several people climbed into a rowboat that has been lowered into the water. He watched as the rowboat slowly made its way across the intervening water, to rest next to Madoka. Thoth watched as the people in the rowboat watched him expectantly. Thoth watched. People watched. Thoth watched. "Um, Captain, shouldn't we lower a rope ladder or somethin'?" Inquired Orbis. "Hmm? Oh, yes, of course. Hey you!" Thoth hollered to one of his crew, "throw down a rope ladder or somethin'!" Thoth watched as the rope ladder uncoiled like a whip down the side of the ship, coming to rest just above the heads of the people below. Thoth watched as they climbed, one by one, up the side of his ship. The first one over the rail was a flunky, probably there as a catapult fodder, should anything go awry. Next up was a person of some authority, but Thoth did not recognize him. Then Mr. Bubble himself mounted the deck (OK, get your mind out of the sewers. I meant he arrived on board). Thoth strode up to grasp Mr. Bubble's hand and clasp him on the back. "It's been a long time, Bubble." "Not long enough." Bubble breathed under his breath. "I'd like you to meet my first officer," Bubble said, waving toward the second person that came aboard. "Ah, you must be Bi Gal." Thoth extended his hand. "Um, that's 'Big Al.'" Corrected Big Al, taking Thoth's hand in a firm grip. "Oh, sorry, ol' chap. Bubble misspelled your name in his Eel-Mail." Thoth then turned his attention back to Mr. Bubble. "What brings you to this part of the woods?" Mr. Bubble looked around for the lumber to which Thoth was referring to, but seeing none. He nonetheless tried to answer the question: "We are looking for the Kitty Litter. Rumor has it that the fair Princess Cassiowhatshernameia is on board." Mr. Bubble leered, "I intend to get my hands on her fair...feet." Thoth scratched his temple uncomfortably. "Uh, well, the Kitty Litter is probably about 100 leagues under where your ship is right now, and descending rapidly." "??!" Bubble ??!ed. "We sort of got into a disagreement. Apparently their hull disagreed with my flaming catapult munitions." Thoth sounded apologetic. "Jeez, you didn't let them all drown, did you? Tell me you at least saved the princess!" Babble exclaimed. "Hell no, I didn't let them all drown," Thoth responded indignantly, "what kind of monster do you think I am??? I saved all the women, tortured all the men, and only let all the children drown. Sheesh." "Does...does that mean you have the princess?" Mr. Bubble slobbered. "Yes," Thoth wiped off some of the slobber that came flying across, "but the operative phrase here is '_I_ have the princess', get it?" Thoth glared menacingly. Mr. Bubble narrowed his eyes and carefully evaluated Thoth. "Sure, buddy, I wouldn't want to see Ayukawa Madoka going down anymore than I would want to see the Porcelain Piscina go down over some floozy." (hey, don't get mad at me, Cass, I didn't say it. Bubble said it.) "Well...OK." Thoth agreed suspiciously. "Excellent! Now, would you mind if I take a look at her? I would love to admire her beauty, even if I can't have her." "Sure. This way." Thoth led Mr. Bubble and Big Al over to where the princess was tethered. Cassiopeia looked up through her sweaty and matted bangs at the approaching gang of hoodlums. "GAWD! What a beauty!" Gasped Mr. Bubble. "You sure I can't interest you in a trade or something? I've got a shipload of kumquats that we just rescued from a fruit slaver that I'll trade for her." "A shipload of kumquats, eh? Very tempting, but no. I like my prize." Thoth ogled at the exposed princess. "What are these?" Big Al bent close to Cassiopeia's chest, staring intently at her breasts. "Um, those are breasts, or commonly referred to as 'tits' or 'boobs'." Thoth turned to Mr. Bubble and whispered, "you know, I think your first officer has a few screws loose." "No no no, not those," Big Al said as he poked his finger at the welts on her chest, causing her to wince in pain, "these...these welts. The pattern looks like that of the L. A. freeway system." "The who?" Thoth stared. "The what?" Mr. Bubble stared. "The L. A. freeway system. It is from a legend. L. A. was a fabled city of extreme riches and extreme poverty. Assortment of warriors lived at this place. The freeway system was an arena where the warriors would take their armored horses and do battle daily with other warriors. You can find references to it in the Ancient Guides of Thomas." Big Al rambled. Thoth and Mr. Bubble looked at each other and shrugged. "Anyway, Thoth, would you mind if I play with your new toy a bit?" Asked Bubble eagerly. "Well, as long as all her digits and limbs are in the correct places after you're done. Also, no permanent damage. It's not nice to damage other kids' toys, you know." Thoth advised motherly. "Great!" Mr. Bubble then turned to one of his crew that he brought on board. "Get me my equipment. Oh, and get one of the Tools." The sailor disappeared back over the railing, then reappeared moments later with a sack over his shoulder. He placed the sack on the deck and started rummaging through it. "Which one would you like, o' master? The purple one?" "No, that's too small. This calls for The Big One, The Tools Majora. Get me the plaid one!" Shouted Bubble. The sailor searched a bit more in the sack until, finally triumphant, he pulled out the biggest, meanest, most horrid looking plaid shoe stretcher Thoth had ever seen. Mr. Bubble snatched it away as soon as it appeared and rushed over to the hapless princess, who can only stare and squeak in object terror (because she's terrified of the 'object', get it?). For the next hour, Mr. Bubble applied the shoe stretcher to the princess with utter passion-- sweat beaded on his brow, muscles rippled under his shirt--he was a man possessed. The princess screamed, yelled, moaned, groaned, wheezed, and overall made assortment of racket under the cruel treatment by Mr. Bubble. Everyone else stood by and were awed and horrified by the incredible orgy of lust and violence they were witnessing. The things Mr. Bubble did to the princess were so horrible, so inhumane, that they cannot be described with mere words. (Besides, this author has absolutely no idea how one would go about using a shoe stretcher in an inhumane fashion, so it is probably best that it isn't described in words.) After the ordeal was over, Mr. Bubble wiped the sweat out of his brows and handed the now soiled shoe stretcher over to his flunky. Princess Cassiopeia hung near lifeless on the mast, the only evidence of life being her short, raspy breaths and the occasional spasms that shook her body. "Wow, that was something," croaked Thoth, trying to catch his own breath. "No wonder they consider you the dreadest of the dread pirates. OT," he turned toward his student, "why don't you go and get us something to eat and drink? I think we all need a bit of a rest after that." "Hey, thanks for letting me have a go at her," Bubble thumbed at the princess over his shoulder, "sorry I left her in such a lifeless state." "Don't worry about it," Thoth smiled, picking up the wicked whip OT had left behind. "It won't take much to get her stirred up again." Thoth stood back and shook the whip a bit, getting the feel of it in preparation of some enjoyment of his own. As he was about to take the first swing, a call from the crow's nest shattered his concentration. "Ships on the horizon, Captain!" "What the Fu...Who the hell is it this time?" Thoth yelled, his frustration showing in his voice. He tried to spot the ships in question, squinting into the setting sun. "Possibly the royal fleet sir. Wait...It's flying the Sword Wielding Buddha banner!" "The Sword Wielding...That can only mean...Shit! It's Martelli!" Thoth exclaimed. "Martelli!" Mr. Bubble croaked. "Martelli!" Big Al yelped. "Martelli!" Cassiopeia squealed. "Martelli!" The crew shrieked. "Crumpets and tea, anyone?" Orbis offered.