Editor's Prescript To THE GRATE BOOK OF MOO I came by this document, written on old parchment in a fine calligraphic hand, and signed in an illegible scrawl, in the back of an old book shop, sold as a package with a volume on the Copernican solar system. The signature I later took to a handwriting analyst, who determined it to be that of one "Egbert B. Gebstadter". After reading the document carefully several times, I returned with the book to the shop where I had bought it, and asked where the owner had obtained it. It seems that he had bought it off a certain translator named Gebstadter who, being hard up for money, had brought in a stack of books from his private collection, all of which were very antique. He was reluctant to part with them, but needed the cash. With some difficulty, I was able to track down this Gebstadter, and in exchange for the return of his book on Copernicus, I was able to extract from him the information of whence came this mysterious parchment. It seems Gebstadter himself had translated the work about ten years earlier, and that he had obtained it from a friend named Marcus. I sought out Marcus, who reported that he had found the document in the bottom of an ancient steamer trunk. This would have been the end of my trail, except that Marcus happened to have been curious about what such a document would be doing underneath the false bottom that concealed the inside of the trunk. Although Marcus himself could not translate the document, the original of which he showed me, Gebstadter had helped him, hence his curiosity. He had returned to his uncle, from whom he had obtained the trunk, and eventually dragged the secret out of him. Marcus' uncle had been visiting in Sweden some years previously, and hidden the document in his trunk to ensure its safety during the voyage. Marcus asked where his uncle had found the document, and discovered that it was sold to him by a fortune teller in Stockholm. She had obtained it in lieu of payment from a mysterious customer in a long dark coat, and having no use for it, sold it immediately to Marcus' uncle. Fortunately, Marcus' uncle had had the good sense to demand to know what it was, and so had the fortune teller, who wasn't ready to accept anything short of cash without a good explanation. The mysterious customer had told the lady that it was a translation into Swedish of an ancient Atlantean manuscript known only as the "Voynich Manuscript". He told her that he had "liberated" it from the hands of the tightfisted Atlantis scholar who had translated it. The scholar himself had obtained it from a peddler in England, who had sold him many works of Atlantean art, and the occasional manuscript, and the peddler, on pressure from the scholar, admitted to stealing it from the Temple of Atlantis, which survived in London, handing down the tradition of the Atlantean faith from "High Preest" to "High Preest". These Atlantis Templars professed as an article of faith, when the peddler joined under false pretenses in order to steal the Atlantean art, that they had had them since the fall of Atlantis, and a few surviving members rescued some of the islands more important and portable treasures in their boat. This particular manuscript, they elaborated, was a transcript of the original, taken during the fall of Atlantis from the palace of the Great King Norble-Goop the Seventh, who reigned during the Fourth Dynasty of the House of Norble, the final dynasty of Atlantis. Investigating the Atlantis Templars, I discovered that King Norble had neither written nor found the manuscript himself, but that it had been in the Royal Archives for the past several thousand years before the final collapse of Atlantis. It was originally purchased by Queen Dorble-Sneep the Fifth, of the Seventh Dynasty of the Dorbles, from a travelling Flying Saucer pilot, and translated by the Alien Contact specialists of Atlantis. The pilot explained that he was an Intergalactic Merchant Broker, and that this document was of no use to him, having been purchased from a Time Travel Technician as a novelty item for his wife, just before learning that she'd filed for divorce. The Time Travel Technician, in turn, had picked it up as a sample from some time in the future, and translated it for study. After finding out what it was, he began selling the translated copies. It later turned out that the "some time in the future" happened to be some hundred thousand years after the Intergalactic Merchant Broker got it, and, after further study, I found that the exact dates given by the Atlantis Templars explained their horror at finding the manuscript stolen by the peddlar. Apparently the Technician explained to the Intergalactic Merchant Broker that the present civilization on Earth (that is, Atlantis) would eventually collapse, and 10000 years would pass before civilzation emerged again, somewhere in Africa or possibly the Mediterranean (he wasn't quite sure), and a long time after that, this very book would appear somewhere in one of the major countries of the world. The Atlantean Templars assumed he meant THEIR copy of the book, which he would then return to his own time and translate into Galactic, since the given date for the theft was in 1998, known to be the year of the X-ist arrival on Earth. As it turns out, it is most likely to be this very manuscript. Guard yours carefully, and don't let any aliens steal it! Enough of the story... On with the Book of MOO! MOOism has nothing to do with COWs. We just like the sound they make. Released 1355670401.55555 DPP Final Release Version 3.141592653589793238462543383 It has been said that King Kong died for your sins this has been confirmed The One Commandment Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law Unless Thou Wilt Not Follow The Law (in other words) Do What You Want Unless You Don't Want To (or) Never Mind (or simply) MU! "If It Ain't Ranted, It Ain't True" -W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Inc. Motto DISCLAIMER Don't trust anyone. If they tell you something, it's a lie. In fact, every sentence ever written or spoken is a lie. No, that's a lie. Or maybe that was. This one is a lie. Actually, that's not true. The truth IS somewhere in this book. You just have to find it. Remember: Just because it's deep, don't mean it's True. This Book has been thouroughly researched. Just that some of the facts have been changed to protect the guilty. This is a most blasphemous and heretical and annoying mind drug passing itself off as a book. So don't blame us if you get addicted or sent to Hell. Don't read the footnotes. They're dangerous. The truth isn't in them. THEY LIE! LIE LIKE A RUG! If you experience side effects from this annoying mind drug, contact your regular physician. Do not inhale this annoying mind drug while operating heavy marmalade. This annoying mind drug is not intended to replace genuine and authorized medical, professional, legal, political, social, economic, or otherwise authenticated advice. Consult your regular brainwasher before pulling the wool over your own eyes. COPY-RITES Copyright wheneverthehell this is. We hold all rights to this work, yes, you heard me, ALL of them. This work may not be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, photocopy, modem, reading, understanding, remembering, mentioning, or any other method without the prior written consent of the High Preest. That being out of the way, I hereby give written consent for anyone to do whatever they like to it. Not that I'm the High Preest or anything. All rights reserved except the right to reserve all rights except the one used to reserve most of the rights except the right to reserve all rights but this one. All rites reversed. And now for something completely identacle... INTRODUCTION This is the current compiled works of MOOism as written by those who really should know better - The Apostles of MOO, and compiled, edited and formatted by the Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 (who claims no responsability for the contents thereof). It was then taken by Floyd Gecko, High Preest of MOO, and shamefully edited beyond all recognition. Finally taken by Half-Mad, Grate Prophet of MOO, and hacked up into the COW format you see here. It should be noted that Hellhound 101 has since attempted to leave, on account of how the others got far too carried away with the whole thing, and lost track of the point. The others insBLATTT that that WAS the point. But they're fools. If you thought this was stupid, just wait till you read the REST of the Book. Those who take this book at face value are fools. Those who ignore what this book says are fools. Those who think this book is a waste of time are fools. Correct fools, but fools nonetheless. DEDICATION This Great Book of MOO is dedicated to itself. Houtos Biblios MOOei Esti Seauti. Hic libros MOOi suae dedicatus est. TABLE OF CONTENTS (In No Particular Order) HOLY BEGINNING, BATMAN! HOLY DEFENSIVENESS ................... Grate Prophet Half-Mad TITLE PAGE ............................ Unheretic Gettah Leif DISCLAIMER ............................ Unheretic Gettah Leif COPY-RITES ..................................... Ann O'Nymous INTRODUCTION ............... Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 DEDICATION ................................ The Prettiest One TABLE OF CONTENTS ............................... THE AUTHORS PREFACES PREFACE I ........................... High Preest Floyd Gecko PREFACE II .......................... High Preest Floyd Gecko PREFACE III ................ Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 PREFACE IV .......................... Counciltwit Confuse-Ius PREFACE V .................. Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 PREFACE VI ..................................... Ann O'Nymous PREFACE VII ........................ Inner CirclBLATTT El Cid PREFACE VIII ........................ High Preest Floyd Gecko PREFACE IX ...................... ConfusionBLATTT Confuse-Ius PREFACE IX .................................... Ann O'Nymous PREFACE X ...................... Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious THE BOOKS OF THE APOSTLES BOOK OF HALFY .................................. Ann O'Nymous BOOK OF FLOYD ................... I Yemen-Oying I Yemen-Oying BOOK OF HELLHOUND .................. Monjunior Little Bug Man BOOK OF TERAFNORD ........... Inner CirclBLATTT Leper Messiah BOOK OF THE LEPER ................... High Preest Floyd Gecko BOOK OF LITTLE ...................................... Wom Bat BOOK OF WOMBAT .......................... Reverend Canoe-Head BOOK OF LLOYD ............................. Prophet TeraFNORD BOOK OF CID ................ Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 BOOK OF ABACAB ............................ Preest Lloyd Taco BOOK OF CANOE-HEAD ................. Outer CirclBLATTT Abacab BOOK OF ANN .......................... Grate Prophet Half-Mad BOOK OF YEMEN ...................... Inner CirclBLATTT El Cid PLUS ONE BONUS UNLBLATTTED BOOK! By Confuse-Ius BOOKS OF RITUALS MAJOR RITUALS 00001-00011 ........... High Preest Floyd Gecko MINOR RITUALS 00001-00004 ........... High Preest Floyd Gecko BOOK OF THE CEREMONIES MARRIAGE CEREMONY ................... High Preest Floyd Gecko INITIATION CEREMONY ................. High Preest Floyd Gecko PROMOTION CEREMONIES ................ High Preest Floyd Gecko EXORCBLATT CEREMONY ................. High Preest Floyd Gecko BAPTBLATT CEREMONY .................. High Preest Floyd Gecko SNOWBLOWER CEREMONY ....................... Preest Lloyd Taco ENLIGHTENMENT MANTRAS ..................... Preest Lloyd Taco BOOK OF THE REALLY SECRET SECRETS ALL SECRET BOOKS .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko ADDENDUM ........................... Penguin Poobah Peng-Peng NOTE ON SECRETS ..................... High Preest Floyd Gecko POTATOMA OF SYNERGY ................. High Preest Floyd Gecko CYBORGANIC CHURCH ................... High Preest Floyd Gecko MULTIVERSE SEQUEL ..................... Lo Proost Confuse-Ius BOOK OF HBLATTTORY COMMENTARIES ON HBLATTTORY ................ Preest Lloyd Taco PROPHECIES OF PENG-PENG ............ Penguin Poobah Peng-Peng AFTERWORD ........................... High Preest Floyd Gecko PROPHETS OF MOO .................... Inner CirclBLATTT El Cid THE ENEMIES OF MOO ................ ConfusionBLATTT Miss Take tHE mORONS ............................... Preest Fluid Geeko THE REAL HISTORY OF MOO ............. High Preest Confuse-Ius SECRET HBLATTTORY OF MOO ....................... Ann O'Nymous BOOKS OF HONEST TRUTH BOOK OF HONEST TRUTH ...................... Preest Lloyd Taco BOOK OF LIES .............................. Preest Lloyd Taco BOOK OF AMBIGUITY ......................... Preest Lloyd Taco BOOK OF NUMBERS ........................... Preest Lloyd Taco BOOK OF MYTHS WOMBAT ORIGIN ISSUE ................................. Wom Bat WOMBAT MYTHS ........................ High Preest Floyd Gecko SNOWBLOWER MYTHS .............................. I Yemen-Oying WOMBATELLITE MYTH .................... Low Preest Goyd Flecko CONVOLUTED MYTHS .......................... Preest Lloyd Taco CYBERMYTHS ............................ Unheretic Gettah Leif PIZZA MYTHS ........................... Unheretic Gettah Leif TELEVISION MYTHS .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko BOOK OF MISCELLANY "WORDS" ........................................ Ann O'Nymous "CONTRACT" .................................. Not Confuse-Ius "NOSLIW NOTNA TREBOR" ............... High Preest Floyd Gecko "PARANOIA PAYS" ................ Confuse-Ius And Ann O'Nymous "RANDOM GIBBERISH" .............................. Confuse-Ius "HAPPY" ................................... Preest Lloyd Taco APPENDICITISES APPENDICITIS I ............. Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 APPENDICITIS II ............ Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 APPENDICITIS III ........... Cardinal Richelieu Hellhound 101 APPENDICITIS IV ..................... Saint Fourth Class Yari APPENDICITIS V ......................... Prophets and Preests APPENDICITIS VI ........................Preest Jeffrey Morton APPENDICITIS VII .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko APPENDICITIS VIII.......................... Preest Lloyd Taco APPENDICITIS IX .................... High Preest Floyd Gecko APPENDICITIS IX ................................ THE AUTHORS APPENDICITIS X .......................... The Apostles Of MOO Plus meaningless Confuse-Ing Inter-Raptures Flip to a random spot to find a meaningless quote that you can read Starry Wisdom into to shed light on your dark life. Truly. For the TRUE meaning of this Book, Read Between The Lines. WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS DOCUMENT AS TOILET TISSUE!!! =o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U MOO OMM PREFACE I as written by Floyd Gecko the stoopid Syntax and general guidelines for MOO: 00001) MOOism and MOOist are the only "ism" and "ist". This is because all the main problems of the world are blamed on "isms": the communBLATTTs blame them on the capitalBLATTTs, and vice versa. The anarchBLATTTs blame it on the fascBLATTTs, everyone hates consumerBLATT, and sadBLATT is thought to be a horrible thing. So, all others besides MOOism and MOOist are replaced by "BLATT" for "ism" and "BLATTT" for "ist". Half-Mad says to only do this to the ones where ISM and IST actually MEAN what it seems to, but you can have fun and do it elsewhere as well... Or even where there's no ISM or IST. Not like we could stop you. 00002) MOO is always in caps. This is because I say so, and I'm the High Preest. 00003) Typical spellings are with 2 "O"s and no "!", with one "!", with 3 "O"s and 2 "!"s and so forth. Other variants, such as the "as many O's as you can write before you get tired of it" variant may also be used. 00004) When you flip the identity of its letters... MOO OMM (This is a typical MOOist logoff on BBS's) 5) Always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS (Well, sometimes), use the 5-digit document numbering system. The MOOist symbol, named the Halfy after Halfy, our Grate Prophet, is a V with a mark inside. Often MOO can be spelled out with little letters. I like to do this with O's for the "M" and M's for the "O"... The words "BOOK" and "ANNOYING MIND DRUG" can be used interchangeably. If any outsiders ask "WHAT IS MOOISM?", the following explanation must be given in order to (a) confuse the shit out of them, (b) protect our real secrets, and (c) satisfy the Law Of Bullshhim. "The big doctrine of MOO is that we live in Hell already. When you die, you get to go to Earth if you're good, or get reincarnated as a bagel if you're bad. In order to obtain Salvation and actually get to get sent to Heaven, you must send all your money and ten cups of coffee, WITHOUT SPILLING, through the mail by Parcel Post, to "BOB", care of the SubGenius Foundation, P.O. Box 140306, Dallas Texas, 75214. Unfortunately, there is this Undead Wombat Horde whose sole job, under the direction of an Evil Computer called WOMBAT, which uses an evil base-23 psychic system to control the world through the Alien Mind Beams, is to tip over and generally abuse all parcels that go through the mail in order to keep us from obtaining genuine salvation. They also steal single socks from dryers, plant extra coathangers in closets, and cause as much confusion and mayhem as possible. Only through communing with the Grate MOO through the Grate Prophet Half-Mad is it possible to remove the influence of these Wombats from your life." As all MOOists know, this is actually a bunch of Bullshher, thrown in to satisfy the Law of Bullshthem. Honest. WOMBAT works FOR us. Really. No, I mean it. Honest. It's true. Note: ]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U#^T PREFACE II as written by the High Preest Of MOO, Floyd Gecko the deranged Whassa MOOism? MOOism is an international Church of Lies, partially not devoted to non-promotion of the Law of Bullshit. MOOists support: happiness, freedom, equality, cannibalBLATT, free sex, anarchy, environmentalBLATT, bureaucracy, socialBLATT, anarchy, free sex, free sex, and more free sex, a bit more anarchy, flour, eggs, baking soda, water, and milk. Mix thoroughly all dry ingredients, stirring rapidly. Throw in some pyromania, paranoia, general insanity and a bit more free sex just to be on the safe side. Add liquid ingredients and beat for a while. Now add some bestiality, necrophilia, and sadBLATT... or am I just flogging a dead horse here? And remember AleBLATTTer Crowley's favourite saying: "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" And the stoopid SubGenius Takeoff: "Do what keepeth thou from wilting shall be the loophole in the law" That is, ya get ta do whatever you like. This means EVERYONE. Including you. Actually, that's a lie. It's just that there's always these taboo things, even if they're so well enforced that you don't know they're there. So the only thing we stand for is getting rid of them (HONEST!) even if they're not even fully formed yet, like in them counter-culture things against yer basic smart-ass, yer basic televangelBLATTT, and stuff like that there. Oh, you wanted it in DEEP terms? Okay, I'll give the "condensed" version of my various "DEEP" explanations I give to people who aren't sufficiently silly (enlightened) to understand the REAL one... All people who don't need this in your life at this time, you can ignore it, or you can fuck off. Religious Explanation: MOOism is the worship of "The Grate MOO", which is a composite of ALL religious Gods and Goddesses, taking the metaphorical form of a great Mother Goddess... Just as, in HinduBLATT, for example, there are many lesser gods and so forth, all combined into Brahma, the Grate MOO does this across sectarian borders. [deeeeeeep] Mathematical Explanation: The Grate MOO is the most literal possible representation of Cantor's Absolute Infinite. When Cantor discovered that there are infinitely many LEVELS of infinity (the number of levels is the same as the value of the highest level), he presaged the Grate MOO. The Grate MOO is, by definition, incomprehensible, because of the Reflection Principle, which states that any description about the Absolute Infinite also applies to some smaller level of infinity. The Grate MOO is the set of all things which exBLATTT, might exBLATTT, could theoretically be imagined, or aren't even possible. [deeeeeeeeeeeep] Psychological Explanation: MOOism is the attempt to expand the human mind by allowing participants to dissolve their own reflex-arcs and habitual modes of thought by using silliness (a well known catalyst for nonlinear breakdown modes) and a variation of non-morality and a zenlike satori experience through Godel-like mental tricks and paradoxes, which is reccomended for all participants. [deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep] The ArtBLATTTic Explanation: MOOism is the first religion to recongnize OFFICIALLY the potential of religion as a GNU art form. In the past, single works of art might have been treasured and held in devotion. Now, with the explosion of Pop Art (art on soft-drink cans), art is everywhere, from billboards by roadsides to the elite galleries of Europe. Religions were once created painstakingly, and held separately, apart from the rest. MOO is one of the opening waves of Pop Religion. Pretty soon, the Revealed Word Of God will show up on your bottle of Coke... The Memetic Explanation: MOOism is the attempt to acheive more rapid human evolution by preserving as many memetic portions of human society as possible. It includes all memes which exBLATTT at any one time, as well as creating memes which don't. Because of this, it includes ALL COWhuman thought within it as preservation, and comprehension of the whole by any one human is therefore impossible. The reason they all seem so different is because of the Reflection Principle. Any of those descriptions could equally well apply to any other similar religion as well, because MOO is transcendental, including ALL human thought. Of course, the REAL explanation is much more fun, being extremely silly. PREFACE III as written by the Elite High Councilors of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus And The High Preest There are several subdivisions of MOOism. The First is the religion itself: A) The many-leveled being of MOO has been explored in a multitude of ways, and some would seem to indicate that not all the tiers of MOO are equal, and are in fact dBLATTTinguished by name, rank and membership requirements. Here are the titles, in no particular order. Or maybe some order, but not a very significant one. Well, something like that. 00001. Omnimalevolent Polly's Father and Grated Leader Of MOO Title: Grate Prophet of MOO, Apostate of MOOism Number of Title Holders (max): One Half (1/2) (0.5) Current Title Holder: Half-Mad Tenure: Infinite. Plus 4 years Membership Requirements: Unknown Job: Classified 0001. The Wholly Air-Traffic Controller of Potatoma Title: The High Preest of MOO, Apostate of MOOism Number of Title Holders (max): One and a bit (1+bit) Current Title Holder: Floyd Gecko (and a bit) Tenure: Until eaten by a Cow, or death Membership Requirements: Write much of the Book of MOO, Be stupendously silly, and be willing to be eaten by a Cow when the Cow so decides. Job: To justify MOO fests, to write about Mints and Wombats, to call for MOO guidance in times of need. 0001. The Elite Upper Council of MOO Title: Cardinal Richelieu, Mud, Apostate of MOOism Number of Title Holders (max): Whatever the others say (3) Current Title Holders: Hellhound 101 Tenure: Life Membership Requirements: Be sexually active, open minded, wise and knowledgeable about the items of MOO and the many Heresies. Members must be voted in by the current Title Holders and nobody else. Job: To attempt to cancel MOOfests, to hunt down and capture the heretic unMOO cultBLATTTs to be either destroyed by MOO vengeance or to be turned over to the MOOists for re-programming or to be eaten by the Grate Prophet and the Dinner Circle members. 00002. Prophet of MOO Title: Prophet, Little Prophet, Apostle of MOOism. Number of Title Holders (max): Whatever The Grate Prophet sez. Current Title Holders: Necromancer TeraFNORD Tenure: Life, or until removed by Grate Prophet Membership Requirements: To be accepted by The Grate Prophet, to make prophecies about things surreal. Job: To attend MOO-Fests, to do silly things in silly places, to think of neat ways science can be used for personal entertainment. 00003. Saint First Class Title: Saint First Class, Wow A Saint Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited Current Title Holders: (TOP SECRET) Tenure: More or less infinite Membership Requirements: (TOP SECRET) Job: (TOP SECRET) 00004. Nobody There is no 4th rank. Title: None Number of Title Holders (max): none Examples: None Tenure: None Membership Requirements: None Job: None 0004. Saint Second Class Title: Saint Second Class, Saint Bernard Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited Examples: Spaxter, Yossarian, HAL 9000, Simon MOON, Floyd Gecko, Harry Gerber, Trurl & Klapaucius Tenure: as near to infinite as makes no odds Membership Requirements: To be a fictional character of interest. 00005. Saint Third Class Title: Saint Third Class, Saint Patrick's Day Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited Examples: All Monty Python characters, Arthur Dent Tenure: infinite or until they get really boring Membership Requirements: To be a silly fictional character 0005. Saint Fourth Class Title: Saint Fourth Class, Jolly Saint Nick Number of Title Holders (max): unlimited Examples: Yari, John Lennon, St. John The Divine, Richard Feynman, Pythagoras, Moimos Eursti, Ferenc Puskas, R. Buckminster Fuller, Alan Turing, Jon von Neumann, Siddartha Gautama, John Fitzgerald Kennedy Tenure: until they come back to life Membership Requirements: be dead, or doing a REASONABLE facsimile thereof after making a great contribution to MOOism. 0005. Saint Fifth Class Title: Saint Fifth Class, Day-Saint Number Of Title Holders (max): 1729 Examples: Go-Go the Do-Do, Arthur Dent, Dalai Dan, St. John The Divine, Rudy Rucker, Eric the Half A Bee, Brian O'Blivious, Daffy Duck Tenure: Until no longer useful/valid/licenced, but only during the day, just because I feel like it. Membership Requirements: Act EXTREMELY surreal, or just sort of generally wierd, or act constantly as if hit on the head by 5 cartoon anvils, or otherwise be confused. Can be real OR fictional, as required. 005.6. Bishopesse Of MOO Title: Bishoppesse/Bishop, One Of The Silly Pointy Hat Number Of Title Holders (joe): 6.3 Examples: MuPPeT (Muppet) (Mup Pet) Tenure: Until the kitchen sinks Membership Reqiurements: Get chosen Job: To complain about Bishops, and act exceedingly cute when asked. Or don't. 00006. Bishop Of MOO Title: Bishop/Bishoppesse, Diagonal One, Apostle of MOOism Number Of Title Holders (max): 11 Tenure: Until Hell Freezes Over Membership Requirements: Say "I'm A Bishop Now" in the presence of one of the top five members of MOO without getting thwacked. Job: To adminBLATTTrate, to lead, to Preech, and to generally tell everyone else what to do. To do what you like. 00007. Knight Of MOO Title: Knight Of The Trapezoidal Table, Llama, Apostle of MOOism Number Of Title Holders (max): 23 Tenure: A Long Time, In A Galaxy Far Away Membership Requirements: Be unable to turn yourself and others into frogs, but have obvious talent for something unspecified. Be accepted by higher levels. Job: Plant plastic cacti in public places, leave unintelligible messages on BBSes, tell everyone you know about MOOism. Violently convert random people to Fateor. 00008. Rook Of MOO Title: Rookie Of The Year, Straight One, Apostle of MOOism. Number Of Title Holders (max): 83... or maybe 93 Tenure: 23 years, renewable Membership Requirements: Go through trial period of 23 days of observation, act surreal, spread the Word. Job: Continue to Spread The Word. Eat Peanut-Butter and Banana Sandwiches. 0008. Monjuniorhood Of MOO Title: Monjunior Of The Church Of MOO, Apostle Of MOOism. Number Of Title Holders (fred): 93... or maybe 83 Tenure: Ten ures, renewable. Membership Requirements: Things which are required to become a member. Job: What the members do. 00009. The Dinner Circle Of MOO Title: Inner CirlBLATTT, Virgin, Phred, Apostle of MOOism. Number of Title Holders (max): One Hundred And Four (104) Tenure: four years, renewable Membership Requirements: Be accepted by the upper levels of MOO as an Inner CirclBLATTT after serving a term as an Outer CirclBLATTT. Job: To attend MOOfests, to set fires, to be silly and to practise Free and Safe Sex. May act as Preest if it's important. Or if it isn't, for that matter. 00010. Preest of MOO Title: Preest of MOOism, Apostle of MOOism. Number of Title Holders (max): As many as are needed, keeping at least one (one) (1) (I) (0.5 + 0.5) per sect of MOOism. Tenure: Life, or until quit or removed by the High Preest. Membership Requirements: To try to be as silly as the High Preest, to write some stuff for something about very little. Job: To find GNU literary and audio/video sources for MOOist enjoyment, continue to Preech. 00011. The Doubter Circle Of MOO Title: Outer CircleBLATTT of MOO, Weenie, Goober, SnotBall, Apostle of MOOism Number of Title Holders (max): Eighteen Hundred (1800) Tenure: one day, renewed automatically until excommunicated or raised to the level of a Virgin. Membership requirements: Submit Application, endure ritual. Job: To attend MOOfests, to impress the higher odours of MOO. To spread the word (and treacle) of MOO. QUACK! 0011. Pasteur Title: Hon. Pasteur, Pasteur, Moloko, The Beast Number Of Title Holders (max): 666.666 Tenure: Until sourness occurdles Membership Requirements: Be pure, disease-free, opaque, and generally uncontaminated. Job: To ensure the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health of all Offical Animals in the vicinity. 00012. Honourable Reverend Title: Hon. Reverend, Reverend Number or Title Holders (max): Anyone approved by a higher level. Tenure: As long as they appear to give the correct impression. Membership requirements: Hmm, doesn't take much really. Job: Do odd things with sheep. Be social. Save large groups of people from painfully horrid deaths when needed. 00013. Councillor Of MOO Title: Counciltwit, Some Council Thing Or Other Number of Title Holders (max): Zillions Tenure: Determined by the Councils Membership Requirements: Determined by the Councils Job: Attempt to protect the Church Of MOO from the CapriCancer threat. 00014. CapriCancer Title: Some Loser Guy, Cancerous Growth Number Of Title Holders (max): A whole bunch Tenure: Until tenure expires Membership Requirements: Head a worldwide conspiracy. Job: Attempt to destroy that horrible and blasphemous MOO thing. Kill Floyd Gecko. Be utterly despicable. 00015. Acolyte Title: Scum, Hey You, Silly Twit Number of Title Holders (max): Infinite. Plus one. Tenure: As long as the Apostles of MOOism feel like. Membership Requirements: Submit application, endure tiny ritual Job: Do whatever the Inner CirclBLATTTs and above want you to. Be a gopher to the higher orders. 00016. Fateor Title: Lazy Twit Number of Title Holders: Very difficult to estimate. Tenure: As long as they like. Membership Requirements: In some way, to actively recignize MOOism. No application required. Job: Actively recignize MOOism in any way you choose. 00017. Agnoscere Title: Idiot, Twit Number of Title Holders: A lot Tenure: Life, or until moved to a higher ranking. Membership Requirements: To have, at some point, recognized or known that MOOism exBLATTTs. No application required. Job: To have, at some point, recignized the exBLATTTance of MOOism, but have not filled out any application, are not a saint, and do not actively recignize MOOism. 00018. Snacky Title: Snackie, Unsuspecting Freak Number Of Title Holders: Dang near 6 Billion Tenure: Until They're Not A Snacky Anymore Membership Requirements: To be Un-MOO, Anti-MOO, or to have no connection with MOO whatsoever. Job: To be eaten and otherwise destroyed by the Cow and MOOists in the form of War, Crime, AIDS, and Cheese Whiz. 00019. Evil One Title: That Evil Guy, Evil Person, Bung Number of Title Holders (MAX): Twelve Current Title Holders: Brian Mulroney, Vincent Emond, "BOB" Tenure: Until no longer evil, or people forget who you are. Membership Requirements: To be extremely evil. Or at least a bit evil. At any rate, to be something vaguely resembling evil for a little while, or maybe not be very nice to someone at some point or other. Maybe. Job: To continue to be a bit evil until tenure elapses, or are eaten by the Great MOO. 00020. Perrennial Heretic Title: Legend In His Own Mind, I Yemen Oying Number of Title Holders (max): FIVE Current Title Holders: I Yemen-Oying, E.D. Brebis Tenure: Until conversion or onset of senility Membership Requirements: Refuse to admit to being a MOOist, but participate in most Fests and Rituals anyways. Non-application required. Job: Refuse to admit to being a MOOist, participate in Nomic ritual, Fests, burning, QUACKBLATT, ConfusionBLATT, Muk-Funna MOO ritual, and all minor rituals. Protest violently against being made a category of MOOism. 00021. Everybody Else Title: Nobody, Worthless Loser, Some Dimwit Number Of Title Holders: Infinity minus one Current Title Holders: Almost Everyone. Tenure: Until finding out about MOOism, or in any way fitting into one or more of the previous titles. Membership Requirements: To have never even heard of MOOism. Job: None. 00022. Other Title: Other, Nobody Special, Lord High Chancellor Number Of Title Holders: Don't ask ME Current Title Holders: Ann O'Nymous, Half-Mad, Bishoppesse MuPPeT Tenure: Unclear At This Time Membership Requirements: To fail to fall into any of the other categories, or to not even exBLATTT. Job: Complete the necessary 23rd membership rank. 00023. UberSagan Title: Billions and Billions Number of Title Holders: Vast Tenure: Until shrinkage (Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`-@) Membership Requirements: To be a very large number Job: To denumerate things _ 0000Q. Nun Of The Above Title: Nun Of The Above, High Priestess, Someone Number Of Title Holders (max): nN Tenure: No Examples: High Priestess Indoctrinate-Me Membership Requirements: To exBLATTT entirely outside the MOOish ranking system. Job: To confuse the hell out of people. B) Another subdivision of MOOism is QUACKBLATT. See the book of QUACK for information on the QUACKBLATTTs. The Great QUACK is the rebel son of the Great MOO. His brother is BOB, and his sBLATTTers are Eris and Aneris. Fortunately, the QUACKBLATTTs have recently converted to this. Previously they were MOOists who wouldn't admit it, which is the worst kind. Now they are MOOists who DO admit it, which is the... well... the other kind. C) The Church Of The Sub-Genius All MOOists must at least contemplate joining this Church. There is no problem with belonging to both, at least according to MOO. What they think about it may be a different matter. The central pillar of their belief is that there is a semi-mystical entity known as "BOB", who will appear in the X-BLATTT Flying Saucers in 1998 and take all members of the Church away, and transform them into OverWomen and Ubermen. Honest. "BOB" is known to be responsible for the rash of strange or mystical "BOB"s in the media, such as the "BOB" of the Doritos commercials, and the "BOB" in Twin Peaks. According to the Church of the Sub-Genius, these events will become more and more common as the time of "BOB"'s arrival approaches. For this reason, all MOOists in this subsect, and those outside who want to get in the "good books" must actively attempt to create more of these mystical "BOB"s in the world. If you are able, put ads in the paper with mysterious overtones about "BOB". If you are a columnBLATTT, say something odd about him. Basically, do that kind of thing. The wider the audience the better. "BOB" is to be held as a secondary deity of MOOism, a son of the Great MOO. His sBLATTTers are Eris and Aneris, his brother is QUACK, who is NOT a deity. Excerpts from the Annoying Mind Drug of The SubGenius would have been included in an appendix, but weren't. D) DiscordianBLATT For the full story, consult the Principia Discordia, which may, upon much pleading, be borrowed from Hellhound 101 if he's in a good MOOd, or Floyd Gecko, if he's not. Or bought at a store, if you feel like being CONVENTIONAL. Basically, Eris (or Discordia, as she is known to some) is the Goddess of Chaos. She may be contacted through your Pineal Gland. She represents the forces of disorder, chaos, and confusion. Since this is one of the main purposes of MOOism, members are advised to join this subsection of MOOism. The only thing wrong with the story as given in the Principia Discordia is that it fails to understand the gospel of Yari. Here, then, are some revisions: After the Great Explosion which created the Earth and the Heavens and the Universe out of the Primordial Tundra in which flourished the Primordial Penguins, there was also created by the Great MOO two sBLATTTers from the little bit called Void. These sBLATTTers were Eris and Aneris. They had THREE brothers, two of which were oddly not mentioned in Principia, known as "BOB", and QUACK. The third was mentioned, but didn't have a name. Eris did not, as has been suggested, create the world, but she took it to play with it, which was actually what got Aneris upset. In 1998, "BOB" will take it back from them, and make it a better place for all of us, but some time after that, QUACK will throw it on the Tundra (or what is left of the Tundra) and break it. The great MOO will then have to get a GNU one for her children to play with. For more information, consult the Principia Discordia. It should be available somewhere or other. E) The Temple Of The Primordial Penguin In the gospel according to Saint Yari, it is revealed that before the creation of the world there exBLATTTed great penguins. It is not known where these penguins came from, but those who ask such questions are surely heretics, as we all know they were made by the Great MOO, who made herself retroactively, while playing the Game Of Nomic. What is not commonly known is that one of these Penguins, a young fellow whose name may not be spoken, also played the Game Of Nomic with the Great MOO in the days before Time began. This Penguin, who was deemed worthy of survival over all other Penguins, was rescued by the Great MOO (though the heretic followers of a splinter of this subdivision of MOOism actually go so far as to suggest that he saved himself from the explosion, and even dare to suggest that the Great MOO COW was HIS creation, not her own). When he came into being after the explosion, he found a bit left over that was very like our World, and filled it with Penguins created in His image. These penguins, like him, were very smart, and some escaped out onto the remnants of the Tundra. Some of them fell from grace, and became mere penguins, but one was a very smart Penguin named Jehovah, or Yaweh, as some knew him, and he entered our Earth with his brothers and sBLATTTers, and then pretended to be God. The Primordian Penguin, Father Of All Penguins, is another deity of MOO, but he is not of the family of the Great MOO. F) ConfusionBLATT. ConfusionBLATTTs are dedicated to confusing everyone. As part of this supreme effort, every member of the religion has the Holy Name of Confuse-ius. Although the general event is free-form confusing, participants may also enter the sprint-confuse, in which they pack as many non-sequiteurs and confusing statements as possible into a single minute or paragraph of writing. In addition, the Marathon Confuse is open to all members, in which event they spend their entire life being generally confusing. However, Free-Form confusing is by far the most common, in which everyone does whatever they generally feel like doing, using the name Confuse-ius. There are deep philosophical reasons they do this, but they really are terribly confusing, and nobody could talk to one long enough to figure out just exactly what they are, except that they think that it makes the world a better place. Or maybe not. They seemed rather confused on the issue. G) (TOP SECRET) This section has been censored by someone who didn't want anyone to read it. Also, it's contents contained references to such things as (CENSORED), (CENSORED), and (CENSORED), and is therefore considered dangerous and highly subversive. If you would like a copy of the contents of this section, don't bother calling: Security Intelligence Review Committe -- 1-613-990-8441 because they won't send it to you. Operators are NOT standing by to take your call, so don't even bother trying. It's really not worth it. H) tHE cHURCH oF mORON These most blasphemous heretics invented their own little brand of MOO by the simple expedient of writing a whole bunch more annoying mind drugs for the Book what they wouldn't give us. Technically, they worship the Penguins, and particularly Jesus ChrBLATTT. We're not sure just WHY this is, because they won't let us read their annoying mind drugs. The full name is tHE cHURCH oF mORON, jESUS cHRblattt O' fLATTER dAY-sAINTS, because they wrote the annoying mind drugs while extremely stoned, and they like the Day-Saints, and apparently the acid conversation drifted to Go-Go the Do-Do (one of the Day-Saints), and anvils. Thus the "flatter" bit. Apparently part of their job is to go around, find anyone who acts surreal, and drop an anvil on them. More Churches and the like may be found in the Cult Of The Month selection of the MOO newsletter MOO-JUICE, when it appears. Updates follow as GNU Cults are discovered. PREFACE IV As Written By Counciltwit Confuse-Ius 1. What Are The Councils? The Councils of MOO ("Counci. of MOO" for short) are a loosely connected group of spam fnord organizations whose purpose, set down many millennia ago in ancient Atlantis by our founder Confuse-Ius, is to guard the Church of MOO ("Churc. of MOO" for short) against the vicious threat of the CapriCancers ("viciou. threat of the CapriCancers" for short). Our secondary purpose is to keep the Churc. of MOO alive at any cost, and to maintain the proper degree of fanaticBLATT, so as to resBLATTT any future viciou. threats that might arise. Spam: What are the CapriCancers? Spam. 2. What are the CapriCancers REALLY? Spam. 3. No, I mean it, WHAT THE HELL ARE THE CAPRICANCERS, YOU SPAM? The CapriCancers are a group of Devianti AstrologBLATTTs, who all claim to have been born under the signs Capricorn and Cancer, simultaneously. This is an article of faith among them, since they were all actually born under Saggitarius. Their leader, Capricious Cancerous, is an immortal space alien artifact from the planet Zorn in the galaxy of Andromeda. It crashed in the XBLATTT flying saucer which delivered the sentient supercomputer WOMBAT to Earth. It is not known how a Zorn was able to sneak aboard an XBLATTT saucer, but it is suspected that it was able to cloak the bioscanners by using its lifelike appearance (sculpted from chiseled spam) to fool WOMBAT. If true, this makes Capricious Cancerous the only known living being to ever fool this powerful computer. This has led to the suspicion that WOMBAT actually works for the CapriCancers, which has yet to be confirmed or disproved. The CapriCancer threat to the Churc. of MOO lies in the fact that Capricious Cancerous is now known to have been an infiltrator in the ancient Atlantean sect of MOOism founded by Grate Prophet Peng-Peng, and was, in fact, one of those who helped uncover the WOMBAT computer from its hiding place in the Gobi Desert. It is suspected that Capricious Cancerous is, in fact, The Miraculous One, of the original Church Of MOO, and, therefore, J.R. "BOB" Dobbs. But this is only speculation. The reasons behind the CapriCancer Conspiracy are unclear, however. The Conspiracy ("The Con" for short) is an anti-MOO organization, denounced by "BOB" Dobbs in what is now believed, by serious MOOish scholars, to be one of the greatest bluffs of all hBLATTTory, since "BOB" is now presumed to be behind The Con almost entirely. Whatever the motives of this conglomeration of Space Bankers, Vampire Potatos, Illuminati Groups, and Coathanger Repair Conpanies which control all businesses, governments, and 90% of the human minds in the world, they are out to get every MOOist they can lay their hands on. And like it or not, if you're reading this, you're a Fateor of MOO, and they're after YOU. 4. No, really, what ARE the CapriCancers? Spam. 5. Why are the Councils so Fanatical? Well, look at it this way. Two kids are arguing over a cake. "BOB" wants all of it, and Floyd wants to share it equally between the two of them. They whine and bitch about it for a while, until finally an adult called Fred wanders up, and says "Why don't you compromise? "BOB" gets three quarters, and Floyd gets one quarter." Well, it's a compromise between what they SAY they want... But it doesn't really satisfy which is more FAIR. IT ISN'T FAIR! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! DAAAAAD! "BOB" GOT MORE CAKE THAN I DID! HE GOT A BIGGER PEICE! DAAAAAAAAAAD! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!! Urm. Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, the point is, if you want to get anything done in this world of compromise, you have to be fanatical, and go to extremes about everything, even if you don't believe in them. Or, put it another way. Like, everyone keeps brainwashing you (especially those CapriCancers, with their WOMBAT brain-control satelites and FLUORIDATION of DRINKING WATER, and those Commies, and the Nazis on the far side of the moon, and... and...), so if you act fanatical and brainwash yourself, even if it's into the things they're trying to convince you of, it'll all sort of balance out, AS LONG AS you do it for EVERYTHING you believe. Go overboard. That the Council's way of Doing Things. The Tao of Bitching. 6. What Councils Are There? There are five main councils, and umpty-ump zillion little councils. The five main councils you really ought to look into joining if you want to protect yourself from those vicious CapriCancers are these. A) Council Of MOOist Intelligence This council has been seditiously attacked by Caprious Cancerous himself as a contradiction in terms. But it isn't. Honest. Spam spam spam. FNORD! The purpose of the Council of MOOist Intelligence is twofold: to increase the average intelligence of MOOists, and to gather information on the activities of CapriCancer forces throughout the world. This council is headed by Confuse-Ius (not ME, HIM), and its members wish to remain anonymous. The names of the ringleaders, changed here to protect the innocent (and the guilty) are Ann O'Nymous, Anno Nymous, A. Nonymous, and Ann O'Nymity. There are a maximum of 666 members of the Council of MOOist Intelligence at any one time. B) The Council of MOOist Mind Control Since the forces of CapriCancer have their own orbiting Mind Control Satelites, the Lurch of BOO has decided to set up its own council for the purpose of brainwashing BACH everyone it can. In fact, it has been speculated that the SubGenius/Conspiracy orbiting WOMBAT satelites have so corrupted the minds of EVEN THE SMIRCH OF GLUE ITSELF that not only does it perform that evil and heretical act of making fun of itself, but it ACTUALLY allows the WOMBAT supercompter INSIDE its own archives, brainwashed by constant mind control satelites into believing that the WOMBAT supercomputer is a MOOist, and not an XBLATTT. Which is silly. The chairbeing of this council is the Late Great Brian O'Blivious Esq. The ringleaders are made of chiseled spam, and stick cucumbers up their noses on thursdays, because such is the divinely revealed word of the saviour O'Blivious. There are indefinite spaces for positions on this council for anyone willing to be subjected to a little brainwashing, using the advanced GNU MOOish brainwashing machine known as VOMBAT, which was discovered by Brian O'Blivious in the Gobi Desert near a large rendition of the Sacred Glyph of MOO. C) The MOOist Military Council This council is the military council of MOO. Information was not forthcoming from councillor CENSORED, who was most unhelpful. The propaganda information which follows below was released with his kind permission, but it more or less irrelevant to a real understanding of what's going on in this, the most mysterious of the five primary councils of MOO. Slogan: Have GNU will travel. Purpose: Defeat the CapriCommies on their own ground. Weapons: Powerful semiautobiographical machine-gnus. Victories: Many. Losses: Few. Brainwashing: Just a rumour. This information may, however, help to explain the mysterious sightings in Arkasas and Siberia of large lumbering metallic wildebeest-like animals murmuring platitudes about their childhoods. 7. How Can I Join The Councils? Send a Stamped Self Addressed Envelope addressed to the Councils of MOO, along with $10 membership dues, to: The Councils Of MOO c/o SubGenius Foundation P.O. Box 140306 Dallas Texas, 75214 or The Councils Of MOO c/o Church Of MOO P.O. Box 26038 72 Robertson Rd. Nepean, ON, Canada K2H-9Y8 PREFACE V as written by the Elite High Councilors of MOO, the Cardinal Richelieus The 14 Commandments These are the Commandments of MOO as drawn from the many Books of MOO and here set down in a concise format. Prosecutors will be violated, and vice versa. 00001. MOO! 00002. Thou shalt have fun 00003. Thou shall light fires 00004. Thou mayest partake of human flesh 00005. Thou shalt not post overly meaningful messages 00006. Thou shall respect, in thy own way, the teachings of those more hip than thou 00007. Thou shalt not take writen documents at face value 00008. Thou may worship other, lesser gods and still value the word of the Cow 00009. Thou shall burn 00010. Thou shalt not read aloud the full name of the Grate Prophet 00011. Thou shalt not abuse, snack upon, taunt or draw upon the members of the Elite Upper Counsel of MOO 00012. Thou shall post in area 9, the Mint NES, or thou shall face some great misfortune 00014. Thou shalt not eat the money of the High Preest of MOO 00015. Thou shalt ignore Commandment 15, for it doesn't exBLATTT. 00016. Thou shalt 'njqlf8`U#^TK-IlLP-@ PREFACE VI As Written By Ann O'Nymous This is me the futurBLATTT now. Westward urge of civilization. Domestication of farm animals and primates. Floating free. Space cities. Japan-bashing? Look, civilization started in China. That's where all this stuff began, and everyone over there who was GNU and INNOVATIVE built a great society with wonderful architecture, philosophy, science (they discovered GUNPOWDER, didn't they?) and lots of neat little wicker baskets. So what? So after a while the GNU and innovative stuff got to be old hat. I mean, something that's GNU now will be old in a hundred years. So the GNU and innovative people were surrounded by old crap and people who liked the OLD ways. So they wanted to leave. There was an ocean to the east, and and ocean to the south, and frozen wasteland to the north. So they went west. On the whole, a wise move, since horses have trouble swimming seas. So then the same thing happened farther west. GNU innovators poured in, brought GNU ideas, built a great civilization, and then it became old, and the innovators died off. They couldn't go east, cause that was even OLDER AND STUFFIER. There was still Sibera to the North, and desert or ocean to the south. So they kept going west. This happened EVERY generation, so the GNU ideas, the advance of, well, advancement, went westwards, so that the east got older and older, while staying EXACTLY THE SAME. Cause the world changed. Anyway, it eventually got to Europe from the middle-east and then Greece and then Rome... And after Europe, it went to North America. GNU York, then things like Chicago, then California became the wonderful GNU Haven O' Science. In the '60s. But the WAVE was going faster (on account of the first people went on horses, and the GNU ones went on JUMBO JETS!) They kept going west because, well, it was like a tradition. Which is strange, because they were supposed to be innovators. But never mind that. Anyway. After California, the Haven O' New-Guys moved to Japan. Which is why all that Made In Japan stuff is now so great in the 135560's. But there's old-fogeys and there's new-fogeys. Old-fogeys don't like GNU stuff, and they're REAL territorial about it. Like, major, dude. I'll get to that in a sec. So this is why the OLD LOSERS go around JAPAN-BASHING. Not cause the Japanese are evil or anything, but because they're AFRAID TO ADMIT THE JAPANESE ARE BETTER NOW! Get real, people. It won't last forever. But Tim Leary caught on in the Starseed Transmissions his brain sent to itself (pretending to be an alien) in the '60s... It said the Japanese were the most superior beings on the planet, and that we were to leave the planet to rejoin the stars and stuff like that there. Neat, huh? Well, he was right about both, only excepting that the Japanese aren't like, INHERENTLY better. Just right now they are. But that Westward Urge will end as they take us to space. The Japanese have plans for permanent colonization of Mars, dude... Pretty quick it'll be the EARTHIANS who are the old- fogeys. So sign up for space cities now before your brains calcify. I mean, it's just classic primate stuff, right? Look, when our ancestors domesticated farm animals from wild animals, they discovered certain things... Domestication has physical effects, like removing hair from the animals, shortening horns, claws, teeth and other dangerous stuff like that, making the cow's udder bigger... stuff like that. But it doesn't change the behaviour. Like, pigs still root in the ground, EVEN IF IT'S CONCRETE! Chickens still scratch, even if there's no dust to bathe in (feather cleaning stuff, don't worry) and things like that... Oh, they're tamer, calmer, less likely to bash your brains out or bite at your throat, but the same patterns of behaviour are still there. Same with people. Domesticated apes. Less hair, stand up straight, smaller teeth and claws, larger breasts on women, things like that. But still apes in behaviour. Territory. I mean, walk across someone's front yard in the United States and see if they don't yell at you. One difference between us and apes in behaviour is that we're tamer, don't fight so much on a person-to-person basis. No, that's why we have tanks and bomber planes. Shit, knife-fights are DANGEROUS, maaaan. The other big difference is that we have WORDS and IDEAS on a big scale. Being domesticated gave us time to let us handle those words that the apes can only sort of vaguely string together. That and we have better vocal cords. So territory sort of extended into those, too. Tell someone his religion is wrong, BLAMMO, you get blown away. Scope out Salman Rushdie if you don't believe me. He didn't even INSULT the Muslims. They just sort of THOUGHT he did, so KNEE-JERK, they up and blew him away. Or tried to. They would have, too, if he hadn't hidden. Smart guy. But territoriality was an evolutionary response to the limited space of our environment here on Earth. Like Death was (no, no, not BIRTH CONTROL, DEATH... much more sensible, right?)... When we move off Earth, that instinct may go away... No more ideological wars, no more fighting over stupid dumbshit things. TRUE SLACK. Check out an explanation later of the Circuits of the Brain. Neat... Get an EXPLORER circuit in the first one, NO FIGHTING on the second, the third should develop better too (actual communication between DIFFERENT PEOPLE! WHAT A CONCEPT!) What with all this changing of circuits, what will we end up with? A society of friendly, peaceful, innovative, incredibly brilliant, morally relaxed, spiritually advanced people who don't have to do menial work (got robots for that) living with the nearly infinite resources of the universe to support them. Sound neat? Good. Sign up now to join the first L5 colonies in Earth Orbit, or better yet, move to Japan, convince them you like them (they're paranoid about Japan bashers who want to kill them all: go figure) and try to get in on the Mars Colony. With any luck, and life-extension drugs, you'll still be alive and kicking when it opens up. You'll find a few things, when you move off Earth. The people there are a lot nicer, a lot more like you, a lot friendlier. But you'll spot something more important. Of all those people who originally went up into Zero-Gravity, EIGHTY PERCENT of them had whatcha call SPIRITUAL REVELATIONS. Which is cool. Zero Gravity opens up those extra four circuits, like Robert Anton Wilson keeps going on and on about. But I won't say what opens Floyd's Top Secret (Honest) Ninth Circuit. It sure ain't transferring consciousness out of the universe and into the Multiverse, THAT'S FER DAMN SURE. It's nothing to do with spreading your consciousness to other universes and escaping. Nope. Nothing. Confuse-Ius Sez: "One of the warning signs of the end of the world is fast and efficient postal delivery, generally delivering, perfectly intact, any package you might send, in less than 12 minutes." -Book Of Things, Chapter 12, Verse 17 But the best way to get this effect isn't with the artificially-gravitized rotating space-cities of Gerard O'Niell. Bah, HUMBUG! No, you need clear plastic BUBBLES floating in space with air and water and stuff inside. So you can live in zero- gravity without having to give up lakes and sky and clouds and birds and things... All we need is a breakthrough in materials to make 'em out of... Gotta be tough, resilient, electrically conductive... Might wanna make a pooter out of it... Check out Floyd's novella "Self Sufficient" for more details on the "Habitat" idea... S'cool. Anyway. The only problem is EM field resonance. (ACK! LONG WORDS!)... THPTHPTHPTHPT! All it is is magnetic fields shuffling back and forth... On Earth, where we evolved and we're used to, the magnetic core and the magnetosphere resonate or vibrate at 7.83 cycles a second. And if your brain tunes to that or a multiple of that (or a fraction), you start to resonate with it, and pick up energy. That's what causes wierd effects on the Kirlian Photos of meditating Gurus. That's what causes neat dreams (at half the frequency, of course), that's what causes the rush of creativity on certain kinds of drugs. So all you have to do is get the BUBBLE to resonate at that, too... And the neat thing is, of course, you can get it to be STRONGER, cause you have control. You don't have to lose the "Earth Ties" to live in space. Earth Ties are just that link you make every so often to that flux that's goin' down. That's why we need to sleep. So we can dream. So we can make THAT SPECIFIC KIND OF LINK. We evolved getting used to making it in different forms all over, so we now need that to keep us smart and clever domesticated primates. But don't worry, in the bubble, EVERYONE will be a SUPERGENIUS anyway, because of that third-circuit "clever" imprint. Plus which the bubble can adapt to make the link with EACH PERSON ALL THE TIME. It'd be like you're always high, you're always dreaming, you're always meditating. YOU'RE ALWAYS LUCID. Wicked idea, eh? No wonder the government is reluctant to go to space. Imagine trying to lead a population of supergenius dreaming dopers? Wow, maaan. So sign up now. And don't forget to tell them where you read this. That's ANN O'NYMOUS. A-N-N O-'-N-Y-M-O-U-S. In the ANNOYING MIND DRUG OF MOO! Okay. All right. Now then, what comes BEYOND that? Looking to the BIG picture... What do we find? Well, we've entered the area of MEME production. Memes are the mental equivalent of genes: single units of thought, maybe an idea, a tune, an image, whatever it happens to be. Meme evolution, since it happens inside our brains, with simple little bits of information, is much MUCH faster than gene evolution was back in the primordial-soup days. There's so much more competition for space. After all, in those days, there was lots of food and space in the oceans, and the little DNA frags just multiplied and multiplied, and sometimes divided, which was frequently the same thing for them... But now, well, we only have so much space in our heads, only so much attention we can pay to this bullshit. So what's the deal? What's cooking, doc? The creation of Usenet, Internet, Fidonet, and all the various other computer nets around the world, along with MASSIVELY huge Local Area Networks (LANs) with info-storage-space galore, all of that combined together to make a fast-evolution forum for memes. Someone throws out a package of memes, most of which will be recycled, but combined in different combinations (that's sexual reproduction, one thing that made genes evolve fast) for people to look at and evaluate. That's Survival-Of-The-Fittest. Whatever is the best adapted pack of memes (genome, in the gene-talk, or memome, to coin a phrase, in meme-talk) will survive. All the different areas are dedicated to evolving different kinds of meme- packs in different subjects. Computers speed up meme evolution. But memes mostly exBLATTT inside our heads, right? So what's the logical step, if we want to increase the evolution of memes, as all sensible neophiles would? We put our brains in the computers! Well, there's lots of plans underway trying to figure out how to do exactly that! There's stuff on copying neuron functions into little computers made by nanomachines (teeny-weeny-speeny little machines made of mechanical parts on the size of molecules) and revving up brainspeed that way. Our rapidly expanding power of computers (a factor of a thousand every twenty-three years or so) means that by the 2030's, computers will have the power of a human brain, and the nanotechnology being developed NOW will mean that by the time that happens, we may be able to transplant the mind DIRECTLY into the computers. And beyond that, as our computers get faster and smarter, so do our minds, so we can design better computers even faster, so it all accelerates. Our Artificial Intelligence programs, when they get to be much smarter than we are now, combined with nanotechnology manufacturers to make our GNU brains faster than we can imagine today, we'll start being able to REWRITE our own software, making ourselves smarter, better adapted. We'll find that our semi-intelligent machine companions can look after matters of our survivial much better than we ever could, and as we get smarter and smarter, we'll be able to judge the consequences of our huge projects more and more accurately, so there will be much less of a problem with shortsighted lack of planning causing environmental disasters. Even the eco-freaks should agree with this vision of the future, or they don't understand it. Intelligence increase is all over, these days, with Smart Bars, and Think Drinks, and Intelligence Increase Drugs popping up all over, seemingly from out of the woodwork (or, more frequently, laminated plasticwork). People pop pills, not just to get high, but to make themselves SMARTER. And that's just a hardware improvement... It makes more neurotransmitters (the chemicals that your brain uses for signalling between brain cells (neurons)), or increases the firing- rate of the neurons, speeding up thought, or it makes your brain able to use oxygen better, or provides nutrients, or any number of similar things. Within 50 years, we'll be able to improve the SOFTWARE of the brain, make ourselves Godlike Hyperintelligences, like you always get in 3rd rate science fiction. But this time, for real. In the coming posthuman era, those technophobes that still exBLATTT will just leave themselves behind as the rest of us sensibly migrate off world, where our industry can't possibly fuck up the environment. And once the first industry is up there, we don't even have to use rockets that pollute the air! Just built the huge brains with nanomachines up on the moon, and radio up our personality program. Vastly improved intelligence means much greater efficiency of use of the resources. What Buckminster Fuller described as "ephemeralization" will become a way of life. Using fewer and fewer resources to do more and more things, just as we use a 5- tonne communications satelite to do the job of hundreds of thousands of tonnes of wires running to every home. The same will happen in every facet of life. Life itself will expand beyond our present ability to comprehend. The advances currently being made in Virtual Reality, teaching techniques, and brain development are showing the ability to learn can be improved remarkably, especially once we discover how the brain changes with GNU information, and are able to pump it directly into the brain when needed. Each person will have instant "memory" access to the collected knowledge of all humanity, all the opinions of everyone else, a cross-cultural sharing ground that defies our ability to comprehend. Even Sex itself may vanish, as children may be created by combining the parents' ideas and memes, along with their preferences for the personality of the offspring. But don't dispair of losing Sex. With an electronic personality, any sensory inputs you want can be tailored, modified by other people, so you can interact in any way you choose, without any risk of disease, unwanted pregnancy, and all the problems that beset sex today. Stop for a sec... Why, with all the advancement in civilization, science, quality of life, are MORE AND MORE people turning to various GNU religions? Because that's what "society" is... People interacting together. With increase of quality of life, they have more time and energy to devote to religion, rather than survivial. So the consequence? Just as computers are currently becoming the hot GNU medium, just like books were once a hot GNU medium, MEME SYSTEMS will be the hot GNU medium of the future. Crafting information structures that resemble modern day belief-systems like RELIGIONS and PHILOSOPHIES. Religion will be the art form of the future. Just like books, paitings, sculptures, all used to be created lovingly, one at a time, until they became accepted media, and spread exponentially, so it is, has been, and will be with religion. Old religions were crafted carefully, over many generations, each person dedicated to only one. In the future, our expanded minds will enable us to devote the equivalent of a modern LIFETIME of effort to a religion in an idle afternoon, each person will "believe in", or artBLATTTically appreciate THOUSANDS or MILLIONS of religions in a lifetime, each person adding their own perspective to the mix in the giant networks of information. Surely we'll also see the equivalent of pop-art, trash-art, or comic-strips, and many other things for which we can HAVE no analogies, because our art isn't complex enough to hold their intricacies. Advertising slogans, billboard art, musical jingles, all suggest what sort of commercial religions we might see. An entire church dedicated to each GNU slogan for each GNU product from each company, everyone exposed to them. The possiblilties for the future are endless and far beyond our current comprehension. For insights on what to look for in the future, I can recommend science fiction books written by knowledgeable authors, and books on futurBLATT of all kinds. Here are a few of my favourite selections: FuturBLATT Annoying Mind Drugs: 00001: Mind Children, by Hans Moravec 00002: Engines Of Creation, by K. Eric Drexler 00003: Virtual Reality, by Howard Rheingold 00004: Great Mambo Chicken & the Transhuman Condition, by Ed Regis 00005: Neuropolitics, by Timothy Leary Science-Fiction Annoying Mind Drug Authors: 00001: Phillip Jennings (Tower To The Sky, Bug Life Chronicles) 00002: Rudy Rucker (Software, Wetware) 00003: Dan Simmons (Hyperion, Fall Of Hyperion) 00004: Bruce Sterling (SchBLATTmatrix, Crystal Express) 00005: Neal Stephenson (Snow Crash, Zodiac) PREFACE VII AS COMPILED BY El Cid The Dilligent The CHURCH OF ELVIS is a sect of the Universal Life Church and is looking for GNU minBLATTTers. ABOUT MINBLATTTERHOOD -- Is This For Real? Yes, it is. The Universal Life Church will ordain anyone, for life, no questions asked, and at no cost. The ordination is legally valid, and, after regBLATTTering with local authorities, ULC MinBLATTTers can legally perform weddings, funerals, baptBLATTs, etc. -- But I Have To Believe In Something Silly, Right? Nope. The ULC doesn't impose ANY beliefs on it's MinBLATTTers or their congregations. Your god is OK. Period. -- Am I Making Any Promises? Only one. A ULC MinBLATTTer agrees to do what's "right". You get to interpret "right" to your satisfaction. No one will call to ask for money. You're not joining a "cult." You're welcome (encouraged!) to continue practicing whatever faith you like. ULC MinBLATTTers are also Catholics, Episcopalians, MethodBLATTTs, ELVIS Worshippers... you name it. -- So How Do I Become Ordained? Easy. Just fill out the simple form below, or call any CompuChurch (tm) Chartered BBS and go to the Online Ordainments Menu. Your info will be processed by CompuChurch (tm) International Headquarters. CompuChurch will file your request with the ULC, and you'll receive your credentials within a coupla weeks. It's free, but we could use a stamp! -- Still A Little Wary? There's more information on the ULC at any CompuChurch (tm) Chartered BBS, from The Church of Elvis or from CompuChurch (tm) International Headquarters, 1:3800/6 or call direct at (504) 927- 4509. BBSes are filled with ULC MinBLATTTers from all walks of life. Join us! * MAKE ME A MINBLATTTER! Yes, this all sounds wonderful. I want to be a minBLATTTer, fully ordained and authorized to do anything minBLATTTers usually do, and entitled to the privileges and benefits extended to the clergy. Name: ---------------------------------------------- Address: ---------------------------------------------- City State Zip: ---------------------------------------------- I am enclosing a self-addressed stamped envelope to make life easier for you! SEND TO: Church of Elvis Diocese of Baton Rouge Universal Life Church P.O.Box 64575 Baton Rouge, LA 70896 From: Zodiac Mindwarp To: All Subj: TLC Greetings fellow Earth dwellers... Are you aware that the Illuminati are attempting to take over control of the world? Do you know about their plans to form a One World Government? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Maybe the Illuminati is nothing more than a paranoid myth. Whatever the case and whatever your beliefs, you may wish to consider joining the Thought Liberation Committee. What is the Thought Liberation Committee? TLC is nothing more than a group of individuals who share a single, common idea. Anyone can be a member of TLC if they wish; there are no membership fees, no forms to fill out, no meetings to attend, no rules to obey and any member is free to leave at any time. There is no structure to TLC, heirarchical or otherwise. It is quite possible to be a TLC member and never even meet another TLC member. What is the idea of TLC? It is the idea that NO-ONE - be they a person (living or dead), a commercial organisation, a non-commercial organisation, a charity, a government, a religious group or even an extra-terrestrial intelligence - has the right to tell anyone else how to think. TLC rejects and actively fights against any attempt to control the thoughts of an individual or group of individuals by any methods, including (but not limited to); brainwashing, propaganda, advertising, subliminal messages, misinformation and psychic or telepathic manipulation. How do you join TLC? The qualification you require to become a Thought Liberation Committee member is simple, but rigidly enforced. In order to become a member of TLC you must WANT to become a member. That is all it requires. What must you do as a member of TLC? As a member of TLC you aren't required to do anything. All that is asked is that you attempt to recognise and reject any attempt to subversively alter the way you think. You may, if you wish, introduce others to the idea of TLC but this is purely optional. What good is TLC going to do? Maybe it will result in no more than assisting a small group of people to be less vulnerable to thought manipulation. Maybe it won't even achieve that. However, consider this - any attempt to manipulate thoughts and opinions on a large scale requires a long, slow, subtle effort. You can't change public opinion overnight but if the ideas are introduced slowly enough they may manage to sneak underneath the natural 'bullshit defences' that every person has. These ideas will then, gradually, become accepted as 'normal', as 'obvious'... as 'fact'. It is the hope of TLC that a small nucleus of people strong enough and alert enough to reject this indoctrination of thoughts will be sufficient to prevent it; a catalyst to initiate the large scale rejection of this thought manipulation, the seed around which may crystalise a growing movement of people who see it for what it is. Okay, suppose I join TLC. How do I start? How do you start in your quest to recognise and reject thought manipulation? Well the question of rejection is the simplest to answer. To put it simply, once you have recognised the fact that someone is trying to influence the way you think about something, you have automatically rejected it. Once you are consciously aware of the manipulation being attempted it is no longer able to get in under your 'bullshit defences' and you are safe. Recognition is a more difficult question to tackle. All the old cliches - "Think for yourself", "Question what you are told", "Don't believe everything you read in the papers/see on TV", etc. - are still applicable. However these methods fail when it comes to the subtler, more carefully orchestrated techniques. Thought manipulation is at it's most powerful and dangerous when it is able to go directly to the victim's subconscious, bypassing any conscious filters the person may have. The systems that can be used are many and varied, each one requiring a different approach to detection. Unfortunately, TLC has very few answers here. Even if we did we would be very reticent about sharing them - that would make us guilty of the very thing we are trying to prevent... TELLING PEOPLE HOW THEY SHOULD THINK! Isn't this all just a bit paranoid? Yes, and no. It is easy to see how someone who already suffered from a certain degree of paranoia might see the idea of TLC as being confirmation of their delusions. However, TLC does not ask you believe that there are any sinister forces at work trying to control public opinion. If you believe that, fine... it is your right to freely believe whatever you choose to. The idea of TLC is simply that you keep a watchful eye on whatever information you are presented with in your daily life - just in case someone or something, for whatever reason, tries to influence the way you think. Why was TLC started? The reason for TLC inception is almost laughable. It was created because it could be. It did not begin as a response to any particular threat, real or imagined. It simply seemed like a good idea, and in an age where electronic communication has made it possible for ideas to be rapidly and widely disseminated it seemed like an idea that deserved to be spread. Are you going to finish this off with a conclusion? Yeah, okay... Here's the conclusion. You can forget that you ever heard of TLC if you want. If you like the idea of TLC and you want to become a member, you're a member. If you want to spread around the idea of TLC then by all means introduce the idea to anyone who cares to listen. If you do then we just have a few requests to make of you: Don't try to force the idea of TLC down anyone's throat. Don't think of yourself as being in any way superior to someone who does not accept the idea of TLC. And, lastly, try not to let the idea of TLC become confused with or polluted by any other idea. It is a single, simple idea and will hopefully remain that way. Zodiac Mindwarp -><- TLC "I'll have a New World Order, please" "Do you want fries with that?" --- FMail 0.92 * Origin: (93:9130/103.7) From: Floyd Gecko To: Zodiac Mindwarp Subj: TLC I'm not actually writing this reply. This is a reply I might have written if I'd had more time when I wrote my brilliant, witty, but sparklingly short response to that message... TLC strikes me as a lovely idea on one level, and maybe the most insidiously dangerous idea I've ever encountered on another level. It's a great idea... STOP TELLING PEOPLE HOW TO THINK, oh, of course, how noble... But then, isn't part of the whole purpose of life to change, explore different ways of thinking, examine new viewpoints, and otherwise poke around the Mindscape? And after all, every experience you've ever had in some way affected the way you thought from then on, if only because your new thoughts included a vauge, compacted memory of those experiences. If some of those experiences are caused by other people, then that's other people affecting how you think. Maybe they intended to, maybe not. Maybe their plan worked, maybe it backfired. Who knows? The point is, all of society is like one enormous self- modifying system, with every person interacting one way or another. Occasionally, they'll start to form self-reinforcing groups that eventually get called conspiracies. And sometimes those will try to expand. That's only natural: the ones that don't try to expand eventually get eaten up by the ones that do, wherever they compete for membership. So it's only natural that an enclave of organization whose whole nature depends on what people think, and how, should take up trying to convince people to think its way. And if you tell it not to, you're just telling it that it has no right to exist. Same for a corporation. If you tell it it can't advertise, you're saying people don't have the right to know about its view of its products and the like. And that means it hasn't got the right to accumulate money. Which means it has no right to exist. Now if you went around saying that sort of thing about HUMANS, you'd be locked up for publishing hate literature. So why are humans considered different from groups of humans? After all, an individual is a lot smaller than a group, a lot less complex. Why are things MORE complex than people considered inferior, AND things LESS complex (like sponge) considered inferior too? Really, this TLC is nothing but a cleverly disguised hate campaign against the neurologically decentralized. This from a Discordian, yet, someone who claims to be in favour of decentralization. Obviously, you have fallen victim to the Curse of Greyface, the AnerBLATTTic Delusion, and other things of that ilk. A Conspiracy Government is a government which is mostly detatched from the system it's governing, which means it has a prayer of analyzing the system objectively without getting hung up on a version of Gdel's Theorem. That means that it's the ONLY style of government, no matter what its exact format should be, which has a hope of regulating the system effectively. It itself would naturally have to be an anarchy, without government, or governed by a cabal within a cabal... Shame on you, for suggesting a Conspiracy should be suppressed for the good of the people. Shame shame shame. All good people, unite against humanBLATTT prejudice! --- Quaximus 2.01 beta * Origin: (1:163/286.0) PREFACE VIII as written by High Preest of MOO Floyd Gecko the Stoopid THE OFFICIAL GAMES OF MOO There is nothing quite so important to a MOOist after a hard day of having fun as kicking back, relaxing, and then playing a good solid game. After all, how else can we remind ourself that Eris made the world to play with. Why shouldn't we do the same? So, without further ado, here are the official games of MOO, which may be considered as daily worship. Of course, anything else that's lots of fun is also worship, but hell, why not try some of these first, eh? 00001) Nomic: This game is designed to be bureaucratic. Recall that one of the things we stand for is bureaucracy supporting. The full set of rules is very long, but I may include it as Appendix VIII later. The idea is you begin with an inital set of rules which defines how the game is played. The basic idea is simple. There are several players, and they take turns making up GNU rules, which are then voted upon. MOOists may, obviously, make their own initial set, but one good one can be found in the source quoted somewhere else, so I won't mention it here, not only to get you to read the whole Book of MOO, but because I'm an ornery sunnuvabitch. Floyd Gecko, a longtime member of the Nomic Club at his school, and one of the Co-Directors for the upcoming year, has some suggestions for making your own initial set. Try to make provisions for everything you can think of, and make sure that there isn't too much of a point to the game. The set should be long, but not so long that you can't remember most of what's in it. Three pages is about the maximum suggested. Try to get it as bureaucratic with as many subclauses as you can, and get restrictions, like (if this... unless... unless...) and so forth. Make some wierd numbering system, and rule ordering things that don't make much sense. Have fun with it. Get carried away. 00002) Calvinball The opposite of Nomic. It has no real rules. The idea comes from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes. The game is played with a ball, but that's about the only rule. As players run around with the ball, hit it with sticks, or something, the other players suddenly point out something they did, and say what they have to do because of it. This thing should be annoying to the person who has to do it. The one rule is that unless it's really bad, or the person wants to be a spoilsport, they should do the thing. The game uses as much sport or game equipment as you can find. This makes it easier to make stuff up. For example: "You touched the croquet-hoop of poetry! Now you have to go up to someone, recite a poem, and dump a bucket of water on your head!" "I got the ball to the baseball base! Now you have to stand on your head and sing Yankee Doodle!" And so forth... Have fun with it. Get carried away. It's also real fun played with cards... Try to be the first to win, but don't do it so early it's poor sport, eh? Nasty. 00003) Sink A Discordian game. The object is to sink things. In mud, water, tar, jello, whatever. Objects are found by the players, and may be given names if the players feel like it. Things are sunk in some manner, such as throwing other things on top of them, pushing them, filling them with water, etc. Upon sinking something, the player who sunk it should yell "I sunk it!", or something equally clever. They may also name the object if it was given a name, thus making a statement like "I sank Yukon!". 00004) Hide-And-Seek This well known game is great fun if played by crack military commando units, armed with laser-guided rifles, co-ordinated by walky-talky, and let loose on the playing field of a great shopping center. Smaller versions are also fun, if less bloody. 00005) MAO I can't tell you how to play this. It's against the rules. WHOOPS! Shouldn't have said that. Actually, here follow the rules of Mao. Encrypted, using Phil Zimmerman's PGP encryption program, with an RSA-type encryption system, using a key which we won't reveal to you now. It is estimated (honest) that it would take you 20 billion years of computer time (really) to crack this encryption (true!), but if you really feel like it, go ahead. -----BEGIN PGP MESSAGE----- Version: 2.1 hIwCgCZP5rMlpusBBACZIpwW6WsjxdYypDizHVq44BcjeyDW9XKg/ioovtSLo6F5 PfJApdqxwf62eRaLBwEpCCirgoW77SZ3IJrR9Eg+oMUdSP6BIZNoZpa5kKi0F5Mj 3RCaKfMxtz/YN6rvjfT1T5jUbHpOwP4pToTlKfc19xH4oUhlgVadOne+CdFqL6YA AAQf1uTh/Orbvi4TsjN3oymiRANCiewzcBkqJ4fm8DBlt80+uqyzdhhywze0bcEK 6SWT+GG/42Q1IC82MIcm+Urlo5wD+vMPWhwqQpTvMhOOwJ8rpnA73YeSQLrPbkvs H1jIRtaS+tSgF85FcEm29qVTt9swfHh/6O+i5JtfBcg1JisR9ufC8MbMxUtIAujl ZSmJ4XF86XOSMM0mlFEU7oqtpZdzuirzxqQFzdVlVeLyXbDz/o3zrGE56vIon9YO FHS0rDK3YdZyKSry579SZr6EdUHh2pabUxA3y8TIMmZMioED55ylIYXYOcZpSfcx SmhMh4HKCNgtPCch36/OxOseTG0Dwe4ZQBAx3MtGC3CQuvJ+i8dAINOJU0RtmrnF KEDXBBEiyXi8rwggT2ie4KGXc6t6SnQq48l06i/QxUdcnK2aUkEAbwL3DIHGd3zP Didyz1DRj5xDgTQCkMGco6dD33NmNJvm75ijVXr8e3Blmf7OsyM3A8AiaU5CHfhF eW7WTfKW7QlKFjpWvCehF51dP7NFFWsWFWP8vMz1mTUy4TI1VtBkotYdm47TaLQp Q5Hl4onF+O36ma+T/L6ks0QOI6NjOApXhC3UDlNsvWUKot/kfzTToCwfbD8lUZwb XYKBacMTTEAl/V2vDiz2k3+8OS0WJp2K6qetVtee4e1Sy7lJrgDlzhJJHdoTW2vt EMpMgzHhd33fAJHDY7+bXXEzwopaP08ycSz9ZIimIlpHkW1XpGT+L4S76MTmNWmA 9yH9gTbHqHzPEj4e0nyEj6mi9tqyiBBYKwtjNOwSM0+4EmjzYQCSbLIbX2WqFfcn ZkS4nhNArdHE6GKRCpFqDO5cJ+HsErX8xfP0H5BRrtifqHLKSJN0qsdJmvmpdSSf tb81wTrOD7O0qFaeheGpN1Z8AR1ywryGnGLNwVocj8q47+1i4SZZx910Yp8/Xdi3 dp650Wxn7gtX514ZgKvODgT5CPKeSXKTNEtInQXXCeCRuklcTeJNEIYIjBJi2TIp kjwzT+T3M3agZUAoXWNFNsa/sM4Cl6RtiRs05G/GA7x86cGIuFTeUhBCx/ncwmMw ll8AFeqinNykBTSLNpdLF8tckGioraoCPspteNdar9Rwhhu0CEEfiYuMlngwDsqS j21i8d81qSxfx1gnWL8caDRElTSPUqc7FUBnSFVkmzSbPJizrivqDTftZvtbcwYS 2oB8mqWfOUvG5d4SGoiSkOFJatZrSuYZw9Jpb4CvSFJX8+q1E4kRkqw4DGfgC0is O3CtAV81syLYhPGDvuyOTz1pr052sGScuER7Ng0GqvqDCtPTAiJ53GKSlwRy2W8I 8NloAuvh5dxGUYEhOrWFZEuXpfuiwAEUmFv6XdXJuGfkAyWy6Dk653unKkCGPMfB Lqw= =1ipv -----END PGP MESSAGE----- Enjoy. PREFACE IX As Written By ConfusionBLATTT Confuse-ius Ask not why the world is so confusing, but rather what you can do to make it even more perplexing. INTRODUCING... CRASH! OPERATION MINDF*CK! (Whoa, them U.S. Pentagon types... They're everywhere.) Okay, so like, the point of the thing is to make everyone confused fnord. Okay, so like, the point of the thing is to make everyone confused fnord. Also, it's a good idea to make them paranoid. WATCH OUT! THE PARANOIDS ARE OUT TO GET YOU! The paranoids are watching you... Why? Just because they're paranoid doesn't mean you're not out to get them... So SIC EM! The point of Operation Mindfuck is that you just keep doing confusing things. Make sure to contradict yourself in your methods and victims... That way, if anyone finds out, they'll sound paranoid. "But officer, there are thousands of them, all trying to confuse me! They've infiltrated the postal system, and they threw mints on me!" "Right. Blow into the little bag, will you?" To get the maximum effect, try ganging up in large groups of a hundred or so and do your best to confuse a single person. This is highly effective fnord. On the other hand... It's nice and useful to operate in small groups. That way, there's less chance of a leak fnord. So, you can operate quickly quickly and easily fnord within the system fnord. Use the system to your advantage. Some people will believe anything written on official letterhead. Some people will do anything a MEMO tells them to. Photocopy letterhead, memo forms, and any FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMS FORMSFORMSFORMSFORMSFORMS FORMSOHOHOHFORMSFORMSFNORDFNORDFORMS that you can. Great for clogging up the drainage pipes of some civil servant. Let's take the classic example of I Yemen-Oying and Floyd Gecko's great tour-de-force practical joke. It's a spare period. They've got some time to waste. Floyd cuts off the letterhead from an official memo, and gets this bizarre look on his face. It's uncanny. Yemen asks what's up, and soon catches on. It's a cool idea, eh? They enter the computer room, and examine the typefont on the official memo. Modern Schoolbook, 11 pitch, 1.5 spacing. Terriffic. Floyd and Yemen construct a memo to go with their new letterhead. A laserprint and 30 composite photocopies later, and they have some passable imitations of a completely official looking memo. Into the mailboxes it goes, sowing confusion and puzzlement wherever it goes. TO: All Staff FROM: D.I. Macdonald, Principal RE: Alien Invasion Of Lisgar DATE: 9 April 1991 It has come to my attention that there has been an invastion of this planet by beings of unknown origin. These beings, who have been identified only as "Xennothemians" are identifiable by their nasal pitched voice and greyish hair. Although it has been shown that not all of them have exactly ten fingers, all those occupied in the invasion force are, indeed, of this type. Among people identified as belonging to this invasion force are George Bush and our own Vice Principal Ian Grant. Therefore, it is advisable that this memo not be given to him. Please take all reasonable precautions in this area. Also, make all efforts to prevent students from reading this memo, as it may cause panic, and disruption of classes. This would alert Mr. Grant to our suspicions. The Alien Task Force have advised us to continue as usual as if we were not aware of this fact, and to take all precautions against Mr. Grant discovering our knowledge of his presense here. The Task Force is now studying a specimen to determine the most effective method of deterring these aliens, but for the moment, please take no action. Further memos may follow as information is provided to us. So this memo enters the system. Slowly, surely, like a river trickling into the ocean. Teacher after teacher gets a copy. What the hell is this? Is it for real? Nah. On the other hand... In that one-in-a-trillion chance, *I* could be the one to blow everything... Naah. Unless... Mr. Macdonald didn't really write this, did he? Better CONFUSE-ING INTER-RAPTURE #3.14159265358979323846 not show it to Mr. Grant... he might be upset. Except, of course, that's just silly... WELCOME TO OPERATION MINDFUCK! With enough people putting in their own little ideas to The Operation, it doesn't look like a conspiracy, it looks like a damn mess, it what it looks like. So... What can you do? Find another Confuse-ionBLATTT or a DiscordianBLATTT or anyone who might like to go out and confuse someone. Do whatever you like, big or little, great or small, huge or tiny. Be it the most elaborate practical joke in hBLATTTory, or merely "bleep"ing in the middle of a crowded theatre... It'll do. Oh, but wait! There's more! Ever hear of the CIA? The KGB? The NSA? CSIS? CSE? What are they all for? Good lord, nobody knows! As far as we can tell, they're out to thwart each other! They're spreading false clues across half the globe, inventing insanely complicated schemes to outwit each other, getting hordes of people to gang up on other hordes, and generally confusing the hell out of everyone. It's so beautiful, I could almost cry. Here's a hint. The more well known an intelligence agency is, the less effective it is, on account of everyone knows about it, so it ain't secret. Sure, you all know of the FBI. But did you know they're one of the least effective of the American intelligence agencies? Not so many people know as much about the CIA, but they know it's more effective. They just don't know why. Oh, but did you know about the NSA? The National Security Agency? Most people never even heard about it, but hardly anyone knows that it's the single most effective agency in North America, employing more than all others put together. One time, a hacker broke into NSA computers, and instead of prosecuting, which would have drawn attention to them, they hired him, figuring it's safer to have him on their side than to let the public know they exBLATTT by holding a big trial. How about CSIS? Everyone knows they do a bad job. Ever hear of the CSE? Hell, most people don't even know it exBLATTTs, let alone the fact that it's almost as big as the NSA. Canadian Security Elite, or something like that. Hell, I don't even know what it STANDS for. But did you know that it runs CSIS as a front, so nobody will suspect that Canada actually has a top-notch intelligence force? The KGB? NONSENSE! It's as much a front as CSIS, but it's so effective, nobody KNOWS what it's fronting for! Would it surprise you to learn that the FBI is a CIA front? That the CIA is an NSA front? That the CSE is also an NSA front? No? Well would you be surprised to find out that both the NSA and whatever is hiding behind the KGB are BOTH fronts? Why, you ask, WHAT FOR? Simple. OPERATION MINDFUCK! Or is it? Is there something else, something... hidden behind the scenes, pulling strings like some giant puppetteer? Nah, let's hope not... But what about the ancient society of PHD? It's a three-letter acronym... And what does it stand for, anyway? PHilosophy Doctor? Get real. That's a STUPID acronym... But you never thought otherwise. See how effective they are? The more effective an intelligence gathering and fake information spreading agency is, the less you know about it. Even if you're working for it. ESPECIALLY if you're working for it. Those PHD types don't even KNOW they're working for a conspiracy; that PROVES how effective it is. So obviously, the MOST effective is one you've never even heard of, initials or otherwise. But if it's obvious, it must be what they WANT us to think, obviously... I love it, don't you? Invent your own! Gather some people, get them to tell you what's going on, and lie to everyone else. The more paranoid they are, the better. If they ain't, well MAKE THEM PARANOID. But it's interesting, isn't it, how MOOism, ConfusionBLATT, QUACK!BLATT, DiscordianBLATT, OINKBLATT, SubGeniusBLATT, and all them claim to contain the others? In fact, they're all ConfusionBLATTTs... Yeah, that's it. And, like MOOism, we accept any weird or twBLATTTed version of ourselves that you choose to invent and call ConfusionBLATTT (or MOOism), because A) we accept everything, and B) well fuck, it's not like we could STOP you or anything. PREFACE IX As Written By Anonymous Ann O'Nymous THE OFFICIAL SEMI-SERIOUS HBLATTTORY OF ALL THIS MOO CRAP Right. In the beginning there was the Psycho-Shoppe. In it were lots of psychoes on sale, and nobody was buying it. And there was Floyd and Halfy and Hellhound and Leper and all them guys, and then Yemen showed up in a fit of static, line noise, and a crappy modem that wouldn't print lower-case... And in the midst of all this confusion, there appeared a serene voice who refused to enter the inane conversations, and said only one word all week. And that word was MOO. And the voice was Yari. This was the first entry in the Gospel According to Yari. There was a tense expectant pause. A week later, Yari returned, saying it again, but with the addition "MOOing makes you feel good, why don't you try it?" So they did. And they liked it so much, that they decided to be religious about it, and eat fudge on tuesdays. And then they were all happy (all four of them) for several days until Funky B. appeared and said it was stupid. Then some of the nonaligned folks realized that maybe it was, missing entirely the point that it was supposed to be. And they became the "Anti-MOOs" for a long time, and I Yemen-Oying was one of them. And they didn't eat fudge. Then finally, one day, one of them, maybe it was Overkill-4-Breakfast, decided it was time they had a real name, that didn't make them sound like they were related to MOO in any way. They debated for a few days, and QUACK was chosen as the most mocking of the whole barnyard-animal-noise- making-religion thing. And I Yemen-Oying, being the one who came up with the name, was made the semi-kinda-sorta-a-little- bit-leader. And it was about this time that the Halfy was chosen as the symbol for MOO, though the QUACKs lagged behind many months in the chosing of a symbol. Eventually Abacab appeared in the MOO circles and toyed with the idea of becoming a MOOist until he came, by virtue of no organization at all in the QUACKs, their Profit, and he led them, with I Yemen-Oying as the Most Honorable Duck, for many months, still having no symbol. And they did most heinously create BushBashes, kicking out MOOists (or trying to; the MOOists were armed to the teeth) and saying in their annoying mind drug "MOOists are abnormal and evil and we hate them" and "We will always obey the laws of this country" and other silly things, little realizing that that was exactly what Floyd, Halfy, and Hellhound had in mind... (Though to be honest, Hellhound was a DiscordianBLATTT throughout all this.) Eventually, as told in the Book Of Quack, Abacab saw ome kind of light, read the Book Of MOO, got drunk, and decided to make his cult a subsect of MOO. I Yemen-Oying hated this idea, and made threatening noises from the back of his throat, little realizing what was to come. Inevitably, the inevitable happened, as the inevitable inevitably does, despite all the inevitable attempt to evit it. After much heated argument, there became two splinter factions of QUACK, as was bound to happen with any rigid, inflexible religion. The first, led by Abacab, is the one described in the big Book Of Quack, enclosed in this Book Of MOO. The second, led by I Yemen-Oying (well, sorta) has yet to write an annoying mind drug, and we know little about them, except that they act exactly like MOOists and ConfusionBLATTTs most of the time, except when they insult MOO, when they're usually not as violent as most MOOists. This subsect, calling itself the REAL QUACK, or some such thing, mostly disappeared, because few of them had modems and even fewer had the time to launch a full-scale crusade. On top of which there were fewer than ten of them. We have yet to find their official annoying mind drug for inclusion in this one. Ŀ ϻ ANNOUNCING A GNU CONTEST FROM THE CHURCH OF MOO! We are looking for a phrase to replace the one at the bottom of this box, as the most mumbo-jumbBLATTTic "Alternative Scene" catchall-buzzphrase for the '90's, and we need your help! If you can find a phrase, sentence, word, or other semantic THINGY, which has greater comic potential as pure Establishment mockery of the "Counter-Culture" then please send it to us so that we can use it to the point of media saturation. Winners will be printed in upcoming editions of MOO-JUICE, the official GNUsletter of the Cardinal Richelieus... Current Catchall: "CybershamanBLATTTic Techno-Pagan" Category: Adjective Submitted By: Floyd Gecko Ķ ͼ PREFACE X As Written By Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious Halo Q The Economics Of MOO Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a land not so very far from here, there lived a group of self-domesticated apes. These apes were very much cleverer than most apes, and they had learned how to domesticate animals. The first animals they had ever domesticated were themselves, which was why they were so clever and not as violent as their ancestors had been. Then they began to domesticate other animals, like wolves, which they turned into daschunds and poodles and yorkshire terriers. And they domesticated wildebeests, and turned them into holsteins. And they sort of domesticated the ferocious bobcats, and turned them into manxes and tabbies. But mostly they domesticated wildebeests. And the self-domesticated apes made the domesticated wildebeests grow milk for them, and get fat on special kinds of domesticated grass, domesticated especially to feed domesticated wildebeests. And eventually they got these animals, which are now called cows, to be so fat and milk-ridden that it was even possible to eat their meat almost all the time. And so the domesticated apes began to gather large numbers of these cows together in herds. A herd of cows? OF COURSE I'VE HEARD OF COWS! And finally it came to pass that these tame apes, called humans, got themselves together and domesticated each other, and not just themselves, and they got to the point where they could stand to be with more than ten or twenty other tame apes at a time without killing them. And so they started to move into big domesticated rockpiles called cities. And soon they noticed that they couldn't keep cows in the domesticated rockpiles, and so they started wanting to get cows from the tame apes who still lived out with the cows. And so they started to give things in exchange for cows, like domesticated boars (pigs) and domesticated chickens (chickens), which they could grow in the cities. And eventually this got just too inconvenient. And so eventually, as always happens when you get a bunch of similar things together that can act according to what happens to them, the tame apes started to form groups and bunches, like bunches of bananas, or flocks of birds. And the bunches were strong enough that each individual tame ape couldn't really do very much unless the bunch agreed. And this was okay, because it kept them from killing each other. And these bunches of tame apes were called governments and religions, and today we call them corporations and organizations, too. Before long these bunches realized that they could trust one another, because otherwise someone would get hurt very badly by the special not-so-tame apes that the bunches kept, which were called police, and armies. So they started making bits of metal, mostly gold, that they could give each other as a promise to pay them some cows, which was what they used to trade with in those days. This was such a good idea that they eventually gave up with the trading in for cows idea, and started to worship the Gold the way they'd once worshipped the cows, and even today a lot of people think it's primitive to worship cows, without ever realizing why. So eventually the tame apes worshipped the almighty dollar instead of the almighty MOO, which was okay, but maybe a little silly, because of what happened afterwards. What happened afterwards was something like this. The different bunches had different kinds of gold, with different stamps on them, which were used to show that it was really from the right bunch, and you could actually trust it. Some of those bunches, called banks, teamed up with other bunches, called governments, and started a special kind of system that let them invent money out of nothing, even if there wasn't enough gold to make it real, and certainly if there weren't enough cows, because they'd started using money for things besides cows by now. So this system was very good, they thought. Instead of making stamped bits of gold, you'd make paper with the promise to pay stamped bits of gold, that promised to pay in cows. That way, you could give even more money than you had gold, if you knew you were going to get more gold, or more cows, or more ANYTHING that you could trade for gold or cows. The banks, which thought THEY controlled money, would give some to the governments, getting a promise from the governments to give it back, with a little extra for all the inconvenience. And the governments, which thought THEY controlled money, would "licence" the banks to do this, and then print up more paper so that they could pay it all back. Because the governments KNEW that they'd be able to get more money from things called "Taxes", which was a certain amount of money that they'd take from the people they "governed". So this made them able to make more and more money as they found more and more things to spend it on, until there was more money than there was gold to back it up, and FAR more money than there were cows. And so people spent money, and the faster the money got spent, the faster other people got money, and the faster the government got taxes, and the more money they could make, and so there got to be more and more and more money as people did things that other people wanted to give them fake-cows for, like building things, or selling things. And the faster the money went around, the more of it there was, until there was too much money to be spent all on these little bits of paper, and so they had to come up with a GNU system of keeping track of their imaginary cows. And the GNU system was very good, because they had realized what they had been doing all along, which was replacing things with information that represented things. And so they replaced the bits of paper with numbers on it with the numbers by themselves, and the banks became even more powerful, because they kept all the records that made sure that all the numbers were in the right columns so that everybody had the right number of imaginary MOO-cows "in the bank". But there wasn't actually any money "in the bank", at least not on paper. This was because the government allowed the banks to invent imaginary money, by giving more money on loan to people than they actually had ever been given, because the people would eventually pay it back, with a little extra "interest". And so the tame apes didn't need money any more, and they could just play around with numbers on paper to keep track of how many cows they had, and the cows could just go about their business getting killed by the tame apes to get eaten. And this was more or less good, until some tame apes invented the idea that the money didn't really mean anything if it was just numbers, and not things like cows and pigs and chickens and cars and computers and houses. So these tame apes didn't like the system of "Credit Cards", because they thought it gave the banks too much power, and that other tame apes could get to the computers that held the numbers and change them. Which was a silly thing to worry about, because they already thought that the money didn't mean anything. But they were loud enough and annoying enough that eventually a tame ape somewhere came up with an even better idea. This was very complicated-sounding, but it was very good. Instead of having someone keep track of your numbers, the tame ape said, you keep track of them yourself, in a way that can't been faked. And this tame ape invented a system that used "smart cards" and "computer chips" that used a special mathematical coding system called "RSA encryption coding" that couldn't be broken except by a special system, and built that system into the cards. This was good, because it meant that everyone could carry around a card that had the records of how many imaginary cows they had, and nobody could change it, because nobody could break the code. And each card had special circuits in it that would make sure that only the person who knew what number to put into it could make the circuits change the numbers of imaginary cows, and then only when it was connected to another card. That way, the tame apes could give each other imaginary cows in exchange for real things and services, but nobody could steal money from anyone else. This was also good, because it meant that governments couldn't invent money any more, or take it away from people in "taxes", and people could be free to spend money as fast as they wanted, and other people would get money, and the people they worked for would get more money, until the money was moving fast enough that anyone could get anything they wanted. Unfortunately, most people didn't understand how this system could work, because they didn't realize that it didn't matter how many imaginary cows there were in the land, as long as everyone agreed on how much one was worth, so they could get more and more things to spend money on. So this system has never been used yet. Which is really a crying shame. Halo Z.6 Brainwashing And You As Written By Accident (a.k.a. Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious) Hear the word of MOO! Jah, mon. You have been brainwashed by the corporations. Do you think your opinions aren't shaped by the media? By what you see on the IdiotBox/BoobToob/TellerVision? You think you're free? Well, whatever. It's just standard economics. They gotta sell commercial time, yes? So they gotta say what the Sponsors wanna tell you. And the sponsors tell you what makes you a happy camper, a brainwashed drone for reasonless contemptible... Hey, cool song lyrics. Well, anyway. The point is, this ain't conpiracy theory, it's just plain old ordinary economics. Making a profit. To make a profit, you have to subdue the prophet in each of us. The prophet finds its own truth. The drone accepts consensus reality. And buys Rasinettes. A sort of sidewash backlash overspill effect of this tendency to improve their own profits is that they don't be wanting our money to collapse into worthlessness, recognized for the fake version of a fake version of a fake version of a cow it has come to be COW. So they don't want the government system to collapse. So you gotta like the sytem. But of course, they don't control everything. That's why there's actual genuine anarchBLATTTs out there (0.007% of the population)... But the MediaCorps like to chun out pretend anarchBLATTTs, to discredit them. And it ain't hard. They just have to make ya swallow the line that "rebels is kool". So they use the rebels to sell everything from cars to diapers to canned tuna. And there's nothing wrong with that. Don't they have the right to preserve themselves? It's done in self defense. Without profits, they'd die. And a corporation has just as much right to life as a human does. It's just our prejudice that says only spacially-localized information patterns have the "right to life". So SWALLOW the line, and support your local corporation. Some people call this conspiracy theory. But like I said, it isn't. It's just prefectly normal corporate drives. And there's nothing wrong with that. The end result is that when you have money (which you have to, or everything gets really crowded with all that COW-exchange going on), you automatically get brainwashing. That's why so many people in this country, and scads of others, are wandering drones of the system, controlled from birth by the media to be what they want us to want them to want us to be. They may not THINK they're drones, and really, in most ways, they aren't. It's just the underlying structure that gets trimmed a little away from the sensitive areas, like "smash da system, dude" and the like. "But this CapriCancer/Illuminati/W.O.M.B.A.T./Xennothemian threat is managed by the MEDIA. By TELEVISION, for heaven's sakes! How can that possibly have any effect on what we THINK? I don't see the connection." These days, the television is the retina of the mind's eye: kids can't imagine without one. Therefore, the television screen is part of the physical construction of the brain. Therefore, whatever appears on the television screen is absorbed as raw experience and opinions by those who watch. There's oodles of evidence. I mean, kids buy more of those TV-show inspired posable plastic figurines than you can shake a lamb's tail at. Then they can't figure out what to do with them, and they sort of sit there gathering dust. The excitement is gone in the shake of a stick. But they keep going back. The TV gives you prepackaged bits of opinion, viewpoint, information. The human mind, like any other dynamic system, takes the route of least resBLATTTance. Except for those with feedback mechanBLATTs to make it EASIER to think independently than to be lazy, EVERYONE takes those opinions for truth. The voice of now. "But... But... The dang fascBLATTT right-wing government always complains that the media is so liberal and pinko and everything." Well, yes, but they define just how liberal you're allowed to get. Noam Chomsky complained about that once. People just aren't willing to take him seriously. WHY? Because he's more left-wing than the media. Well, fuck, so were the hippies. Nobody took them seriously, and they eventually got brainwashed into not expressing their opinions any more. Well, lots of them did. Well, some of them did. Well... Uhhh... You know what I mean. Plus which, liberal media aren't so liberal as to want to overthrow the system, which is what they're trying to prevent. They offer you "alternatives" like Democrat and Republican, like PC, Liberal and NDP. Oh yeah. "I can't see the difference. Can YOU see the difference?" "Price is the difference." Yes, that's right. Read my lips. No... New... Taxes... So by giving you these few little options, all of which are in favour of slow reform of policies, and not revolting against anything except maybe their month-old tomatoes at the back of the fridge, they give you the impression that that's all there is to it. Plus that, of course, the "liberal" media isn't so liberal as it might look. Oh, sure, they give you the impression that someone's looking out for those dangerous Nazis in Parliament, or whatever. But isn't that really the point? They LOOK like they're under control. It LOOKS like you're being given an objective and critical look at the system. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Excuse me. I just had to get that out of my system. In fact, the only purpose they serve is to give the conservatives something to react off to get MORE conservative, and the liberals something to feel complacent about. It's a perfect method of preserving the system. But that's nothing to get upset about. It's just perfectly reasonable economics. I wouldn't get upset if I were you. Everything's fine. Time goes by. In time, you'll find... Everything is just fine. Halo P2 Politicos Of The World As Written By Councilgoof Brian O'Blivious All across this great country of Theirs, the truth becomes more evident by the second. The keyboard is mightier than the sword, but only at range. It ranks a close second to the bazooka when it comes to sheer devastation of personal lives. But what's the point, really? What I mean is, why bother trying to change the world by writing about it (like I'm doing now) when you can change the world by DOING something about it? Go out there and help make the world a better place, where we can all live in peace and harmony, and all be exactly the same as everyone else! C'mon, together we stand, divided we fall! Kick ass for Jesus! I'd rather be brainwashed by a government than by myself. With a government, you can look at its motives more or less objectively, even when you've been brainwashed. If you brainwash yourself, what kind of a hope have you got to look at the results? How are you supposed to figure out if you're what you wanted to make yourself want to want to be, or whether that just what you WANT yourself to think? Besides, you can't really "pull the wool over your own eyes". It doesn't work that way. Everything you delude yourself with, every time you try to take control of your own destiny, you're acting based on stuff that's happened to you. Your input from the environment around you. And it's a self-modifying, complexly interacting system, too. By any reasonable definition of the word, it's an intelligent entity. Just one whose motives we're not even CAPABLE of understanding. Who knows what it might want you to think? Better to be brainwashed by friends. A small group of friends. That way, you can all monitor each other sort-of-a- little-bit objectively, and see where it's all going. That's our GNU politics of the GNU Reality. I mean, if we all try to live together in harmony, we'll have to make sacrifices to avoid treading on each other's toes, and generally making pains in the asses of ourselves. We have to give up our ideas, our beliefs, our styles, or we'll end up getting pissed off at one another. And that wouldn't be any good. That's destroying the manifestation of information. When the information is genetic, that's called murder. You wouldn't want to be a party to murder, would you? Even if you would, you wouldn't fit in too well in a harmonized society either, come to think of it. That's why we're Neo-Tribal AnarchBLATTTs. Every little group that can live together without killing each other should separate, and go its own little way. Before too long, this will be technically feasable. You can live in the privacy of your own home, getting your food-and-shelter monkey by working from there by pooter/modem, talking by the datanet to people in your Tribe. Or, if you're an anti-tech Tribe, you go live on a commune somewhere, in the GNU World Disorder that will let you do that without trying to screw you over, like they did in the Bad Old Days. Or, if you LIKED the Bad Old Days, and you WANT to go out annoying other Tribes whose worldviews don't mesh with yours, you can go fuck yourself, and if I ever meet you, I'll kill you. If there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance. Halo TV Privacy And Anarchy As Written By The Way (a.k.a. Counciltwit Brian O'Blivious) Privacy is at an end! The Government is watching you from inside your T.V. set! Computers will take away your rights of freedom! Well, maybe. One thing that most people wouldn't deny is that computers and networks and "other damn stuff like that" is an empowering technology. For now, as of the time I'm writing this, there's no reason to believe that the trend towards empowering tech will stop. Rapid information sharing systems like the Usenet (a sort of abstract informational thing that piggybacks in the large Internet hardware the way your mind piggybacks on your brain) and Fidonet (as of now, the largest AMATEUR network, linking upwards of 20000 individual pooter systems around the world), these all have a way of distributing information in a way that simply can't be stopped. The only way a government of today could control the leaking of "potentially dangerous information" out of the country is to actually cut all the phone lines, jam all satellite linkages, and make sure that nobody has access to a HAM radio. But that's just not practical. People wouldn't stand for it, for one thing. I mean, how would you feel if the government suddenly, and for no readily explained reason, suddenly cut all phone lines coming from your house just because you have access to information? Any large scale attempt to do that would result in, well, a revolution. It's just not possible any more. The possibilities of data compression and encryption (especially using RSA-type public key encryption, for which the encryption and decryption keys are separate) make actual monitoring of e-mail and file transfer impossible. Funky software allows the gimpy people who write detructo-viri (that blow up your compooter when they get inside, or otherwise mangle things, rather than playing music, leaving irritating notes on your screen, and so forth) to alter their own informational signature jacket by self-compiling, encrypting and compressing, like the common cold virus alters its protein jacket. This, combined with annoyingly well-designed modular programming wares for virus-production (the Tinkertoy of cracker-hackers) means that anyone with access to encrypted anarchBLATTT file-server places can put together a virus capable of doing any number of bothersome and/or useful things, and the government can't do a damn thing about it. Grr. Grrr. What a shame. Of course, the "Government" will never be sufficiently ahead of the constantly bubbling thing-that-bubbles of technological advance to actually put in controls over technology. The only way to keep the criminal and sociopathic types from having a monopoly over viri is to allow everyone to have the systems, and the know- how to use them. If pooters are outlawed, then only outlaws will have pooters. That is, only the people who are ALREADY anti- government, will have access to the empowering technology that's available. Of course, when EVERYONE has the power to hack EVERYONE around, then the government simply won't last long. Centralized institutions just can't stand in the face of this kind of technological advance. Central banks, for example, are frighteningly vulnerable: a single virus with access to the money records can do anything to your account it wants. That's what the crypto-money scheme is for what I was talking about earlier. Almost certainly, this system WILL be introduce, using cryptographically strong encoding, tranmission through eavesdrop-proof quantum encrypted channels, and storage media that respond to each read (like a quantum-ROM system, perhaps, which erases itself whenever you read it, due to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle). People just have to get together and agree to accept one-way exchanges of this self-valued encrypted information as actual money. The government will immediately try to tax this, but, well, the government simply MUST change in response to new waves of technology, or it dies. That's simple Systems Analysis: a self-rectifying system which fails to develop new response patterns in reference to new outside stimuli is less successful and self-propagating than one whch does. Oh, sure, maybe not everyone will accept the new form of money. Then their money will be the first target when a wave of prepackaged modular viri gets loosed on the banks. Big wow. So the system that survives is the system that accepts crypto-money. Maybe not everyone will accept the same information format. Well, no problem: not everyone now accepts foreign money. Just you try spending Yen in Arkansas... Just remember: once the Printing Press was feared by liberals as a tool of oppression. Its actual effect? Liberation from tyranny, literacy for the masses, and a flourishing of intellectual acheivement. The computer and the 'net holds the same threat, and the same promise. Anarchy is not dead. Watch your overcoat. MIND-CONTROL CONSPIRACIES ARE PEOPLE TOO! MOO OMM BOOKS OF THE APOSTLES Book of Halfy Chapter 0001. (What Happened?) 0001: The Grate Prophet did come down and meet his followers, and with him, he brought the great symbol of the MOOists. 0002: The followers of MOO did name this symbol in honour of the Grate Prophet, and it shall be called the Halfy. Chapter 0002. (Truth: Yeah, right...) 0001: Everything is true, nothing is permissible. 0012: This explains why this book is so short. 0082: It shall be known that the word "Aaaoooozorazzazzaieoazaei- iiozakhoeoooythoeazaeaoozakhozakheythxaalethykh" is a magical word, as it seems to cause people to disappear for no apparent reasons. 0083: Well, it shall be known to all who will know it. 0084: This magical word will also get you things you would never dream of it bringing, but only if used properly. FNORD! Chapter 0005. (Book of Chaos) 0001: Everything is true. 0002: Even false things are true. 0555: Aaaaaaabbceeeeeeeggghkllmmmooooorsst. 0556: Try to figure that code out! BoCOWok of Confuse-Ius Chapter of Interruptions. 1: Confuse-Ius can/will interrupt anyone. 2: Confuse-Ius can/will interrupt Confuse-Ius. 3: Confuse-Ius can/will interrupt anything. 4: Confuse-Ius can/will break in in the middle of a word. Grate Prophet's Interruption of the Interruption. Confuse-Ius can interrupt anytime it wants. But only The Grate Prophet can interrupt it's interruptions. Confuse-Ius Interruption Can I interrupt interuptions? Don't interrupt me, and I won't interrupt you, unless I feel like it. Thpthpthpthp. Confuse-Ius Say: Can I interrupt interruptions of interruptions? Don't interrupt me when I'm interrupting you COW interrupt me. 5: Confuse-Ius can/will throw in a COW wherever he feels like. 6: But Confuse-Ius DARES not split infintives. 7: Always lBLATTTen to Confuse-Ius. BeCOWcause if you don't, you won't learn. 8: The High Preest is irresponsible for spreading the word of Confuse-Ius throughout the book of MOO. 9: This will not make much sense. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Chapter 0006. (This is a chapter??!!??) 0001: This is a short chapter. Confuse-Ius sez: No kidding! Chapter 0007. (Book of MOOFests) 0001: Confuse-Ius Once Say: Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx Chapter 6025. (The Last Book) 0101: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOO Book of Floyd Chapter 1. (Book Of Pro-verbs and Pro-nouns) 1: Thou shalt not eat my money, or I'll kill you. Confuse-Ius: Munch, munch, munch. 2: Thou art better off mad than merely loopy. 3: Indeed are thy needs safer with MOO. 4: Thou shalt not partake in the eating of rocks, or then thou shalt need massive dental work. 6: Thou shalt not worship gravy images, for it's hard to carve images in gravy. 7: There are beavers in the world, and then there are BEAVERS. 8: People who live in Glass Houses shouldn't throw stones unless Glass says it's okay first. 12: Beware Chuck, the wood-chucking woodchuck. 13: For truly is it written... somewhere, I can't seem to find it just now, but I have it written down... can I get back to you on that? 14: This sentence is not false, but it is silly. 15: This sentence is false AND silly. 16: This sentence is neither true nor false, but it's still silly. 17: This sentence is worthless, because it isn't even silly. 18: This sentence was finished. 19: Sentence fragment. 21: Truly is it difficult to argue with one who agrees with you, and truly would you be a fool to try it. 26: When the world explodes, putting a paper bag over thy head would be pretty stupid. 27: Once upon a time... 29: By the way, I meant that "Between The Lines" crack LITERALLY. 31: There is NO SUCH THING as the Paranoid society. If it DID exBLATTT, I wouldn't belong to it. NOSSIR, NOHOW, NOWAY. 32: Nothing is true. Everything is permissible. 33: No, that's not true, sorry. 34: Everything is true, NOTHING is permissible. 35: No, wait, that's not true EITHER. 46: For truly is it written... Somewhere... I think... 47: Coulda sworn I had it here a second ago. 48: Anyone seen a little green slip of paper about yo big? 49: Well, it wasn't important anyway. 58: Confuse-Ius once say, "Man who stick head in fruit drink get punch in nose." 59: Confuse-Ius once say, "If everything coming your way, you in wrong lane." 60: Confuse-Ius once say, "Rolling stone gathers speed." 68: Confuse-Ius once say, "Rolling Stones gather no album royalties. Odd, that." 69: Don't nobody nohow nowhere ever ask ME for the time. 70: Cuz some dude ate my watch. 71: Nasty little bugger, little green guy about yo big. 72: Funny, that. One of them coincidences. 77: Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Cept maybe me. ķ Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U#^T K-IlLP-@/ "Bobos-Nargledo" Sherman-Smitharriscamp WISHES IT TO BE KNOWN TO ALL THOSE WHO WISH TO KNOW IT: "Ah shall be retah-ring frum da business of annoyin' dem nahce folx out dere in T.V. land ann settlin' down wit me wahfe and kids. Da business ah shall be leavin' in duh cay-puh-ble haynds of Confuse-Ius, who has always been to me lahke the twelfth uncle ah never had." Confuse-Ius, who operates under the ShaderShield, which allows ConfusionBLATTTs to pass undetected through proof reading shops, could not be found for comment. It is assumed that he has already taken up the legacy entrusted to him by "Bobos-Nargeldo", who will no longer be able to appear in this annoying mind drug. Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'njqlf8`U #^TK-IlLP-@ has often said in the past that Confuse-Ius is the Last, Best Hope for true stupid interruptions in this country. This, he hopes, has been amply demonstrated so far by Confuse-Ius's many appearances, contrasted with "Bobos-Nargeldo"s own, which have been few and far between. "Information Wants To Be Free" -Hacker's Motto "Poutine Wants To Be Expensive" -Poutine Manufacturer's Motto "I Want An Old Fashioned House In The Country" -"Bobos-Nargeldo" Company Motto "Truth Wants To Be Ranted" -W.O.M.B.A.T. Company Motto ALL HAIL THE GREAT CHILLI-CHEESE BURRITO-TWELVE! Ľ 78: Beaver? WHERE? WHO? WHAT? WHEN? WHY? 79: Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb. 80: When an exploding octopus steals your wallet, you know it's time to go home. 81: SCREWBALL! BLOW IT OUT YER EAR, CINNAMON-FEET! 82: What do you get if you multiply six by nine? 83: What's the difference between a pronoun and a proverb? 84: It. 85: He. 86: She. 87: We. 88: They. 89: Hir. 90: SHe. 91: Them. 92: Her. 93: Him. 94: I. 95: Me. 96: You. 97: Us. 98: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. 99: Confuse-Ius once say, "Mind your Peas and Queues." 100: Confuse-Ius once say, "Mind your poison queues." 101: Confuse-Ius once say, "Mind your Pies and Queues." 102: Confuse-Ius once say, "WHAT THE FUCK?" 103: Confuse-Ius once say, "Er... Ummm... Don't quote me on that ." 104: Confuse-Ius once say, "..." 105: ... 106: Once upon an aeon, in the Region of Thud... 107: Don't ask me about jello. I don't know nothin'. 108: You can't prove anything. 109: Gimme a cookie. 111: Congratulations, if you send in the winning number in time, you may have already won ten million dollars! 143: Rolaids spells ROLAIDS, dammit! What are you, STOOPID? 546: All annoying things must come to an end. Chapter 2. (The Book Of The High Preest's Folly) 1: It came to pass that the High Preest was in the land of the Wombat, and that he was posessed by an alien mind-beam. 2: And the Lord Un-Cow did see the High Preest as he maketh two signs in stone upon the Earth. 3: And the first of these had on its face this writing: 4: How much wood could Chuck the wood-chucking woodchuck chuck if Chuck the wood-chucking woodchuck could chuck wood? 5: And the second sign was seen to say: 6: Beware the Brick Lobbing Beaver. 7: And the Lord spake, saying "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. That's fine... WHAT WAS THAT?" and Floyd looked at the lord and said "Calm down, dummy..." and the Lord spake again unto Floyd, saying "Get bent.". 8: And the Lord spake then unto the people of the Dinner Circle of MOO, saying "Ashtray? What Ashtray? I don't see any ashtray. Do you see an ashtray?". 9: And the people spake unto the Lord therefore, saying "lighten up old dude." and the Lord smate (smited?) them with a flash of sulphurous smoke and lightning, and the spake again unto the Lord, saying "OW!". 10: And the Lord Un-Cow did act confused, and verily, the High Preest did act confused also. 11: For this was the folly of the High Preest, though also not of the High Preest. 12: For in his folly, the High Preest had confused not only the Lord, but also himself. 13: Pretty foolish, eh? Chapter 3. (The Book of MOOfests) (Being One Year's Worth Of Fests) (Stolen from Half-Mad. Really) 1: The Lord Un-Cow, being confused still, looketh down from somewhere higher than what he/she/it was looking at. 2: Below the Lord Un-Cow were gathered many MOOists, and great fires announceth their presence. 3: And there was a great confusion below, as the MOOists shouted unto the sky. 4: And the words which the MOOists shouteth were these. 5: "I'm gonna jump! I'm gonna do it! I swear I'll do it!" 6: And the Lord Un-Cow did look down even unto the MOOists, and replyeth. 7: And the words of the Lord as he/she/it replyeth from the ledge were these words. 8: "Don't do it! Don't jump!" 9: And the MOOists did jump, and the lord did frown. 10: And the MOOists did return to the ground from whence they jumpeth. 11: The MOOists did plead unto heaven, or at least unto the ledge. 12: And the words of their pleading were these words. 13: "Awww. Why did you have to do that? Can't we at least have a feast?" 14: And the lord did grin, and the MOOists did feast upon the carp, and mints, and wombats, and beavers, and bricks, and flamethrowers, and printers, and Lepers, and Messiahs, and each other, and mountains, and the Lord, and the Lost Tribe Of Trevor, and six annoying mind drugs about lasers. 15: And the Lord did get annoyed, and the Lord did pull back his/her/it's leg and the Lord spake unto them, saying "Hey cut that out!" and the people did spontaneously combust, and the Lord did speak, and the Lord sayeth "Ah that's better" and the Lord did go back to sleep and Halfy did eat him/her/it. 16: And this was the first MOOfest. 17: And for a long time was there a great pause, followed by a time of discussions and wonderings of when should there be held yet another MOOfest. 18: And from impatience, and the fact that the Hight Preest had been unable to appear at the first, the first-and-a-half was held some days later.FNORD! 19: And the MOOists did gather to eat upon the fruited mints that sprang forth from the satchel of Floyd Gecko. And truly was there a gathering at the sacred Dunn's. 20: And during this time did Halfy stub out a cigarette in a heap of something explosive. 21: And verily did the ashtray explode, leaving the High Preest in a mess, for truly was it he who caused the accident. 22: And verily did the MOOists sweep the accident to one side, and did pretend it never happened. 23: Did I say ashtray? WHAT ASHTRAY? 24: And truly did Leper Messiah and Floyd Gecko and Halfy produce in a frosted glass the appearance of life, of cream and salt and sugar and pepper and vinegar. 25: And yet it did scream and leave the glass, running across the floor of the deli. 26: And indeed did they scram when they did see this. 27: And truly did Leper Messiah vanish into thin air, never to be seen again. 28: And truly was the great sigil of MOO manifest upon the melting snow of the land. 29: And thus ended the first-and-a-half MOOfest. 30: And so it came to pass that there was a long period of waiting and of nothing much happening, and Hellhound did return to the lands from whence he came. 31: And truly was there a great silence upon the land of Udduwah for some number of days. And then it came to be the birthday festival of the High Preest. 32: And then was there a great time of rejoicing and silliness. 33: For indeed was there a PythonFest, and the antics of Brian and of Mr. And Mrs. Brian Norris did parade themselves across the screen of the magical box. 34: And indeed was there great laughter. For truly was it funny. 35: And then the alien vessel did land in bermuda, and truly did nobody notice it, for indeed did it have nothing to do with this story. 36: For verily is it written... umm... somewhere... 37: Well never mind, for verily did it happen that there was a great light of the Great MOO on Earth, as Halfy and Floyd and several of those infidel unMOO there gathered did create for themselves a light. 38: And truly did they say "let there be light". 39: And indeed were their eyebrows singed. 40: Later then upon that day was there a great feasting upon the holy pizzas and the holy vegetables and dill dip. 41: And then indeed was there great happiness, for the pizzas did not run away. 42: And then the Great MOO caused a great silliness to arrive in the home of Floyd Gecko, and there was much rejoicing. 43: And then everyone was indeed much confused. And eventually did they return unto their homes. 44: And truly was there a long, long, long wait, far longer than ten minutes. Or even ten days. For truly were they forced to wait for several months. 45: And at that time there was the Second MOOFest. 46: And indeed did I Yemen-Oying and Floyd Gecko meet each other in the holy Central Park, and did seek other MOOists, who had truly promised to arrive. 47: And their searches took them long and far, and they endured many hardships. 48: For falsely did they trek across the desert wastelands of the Sahara in their search. 49: And indeed did they quest through swamps and forests, cities and meadows, seeking those who had said they would arrive. 50: But then they returned to the appointed meeting place, sad that the others had not arrived. 51: And verily were the others there, demanding to know why they were late. 52: For indeed was Halfy and Neuro and Atrox there, wandering in search of Floyd and Yemen. 53: And indeed did they visit the humble store nearby that did sell great magic in its wares, and knowledge that did abound. 54: And indeed was it there that they did find knowledge of the great "BOB", from the SubGenius who did work there. 55: Sadly, before they could learn more, the man did turn himself into a toad, and did hop away. 56: And indeed, like many toads, did he say CROAK CROAK CROAK. And truly was it stupid. 57: But they did hunt him down through hill and valley and did confront him with his unfinished tale, and he did truly end it. 58: For he did explode in a massive bang of hydrogen in the Ruin, disguised as a balloon. 59: And truly did they enter a long dark tunnel, and did cause the light of knowledge to enter there, and did notice that there was a great cloud descending upon them, and they did flee from there unto Dunn's. 60: But truly were Neuro and Atrox vanished in the end, and were gone from sight, for they were fools anyway. 61: And they had indeed turned into toads themselves, and been captured by an errant pack of raving fire hydrants. 62: And indeed did they eventually disappear. 63: Thus ended the Second MOOFest. 64: But in the end, it came time for Halfy to leave to preach the word of the Great MOO in another city, and with his departure there came a lull. 65: And Halfy did take retroactive revenge upon Floyd for being slow in his duties as High Preest, causing Floyd's computer to crash. 66: And truly did this make it hard for Floyd to act in his duties. 67: And eventually did Halfy return to the city, for there had been a decision to hold another gathering of Power. 68: And indeed was it larger than the others, and truly was it wondrous, for all those with knowledge on all matters of MOO were present, and El Cid did present his knowledge and his gifts of candy. 69: And they then caused great motion and noise to invade the Ruin. 70: And verily did they seek unto all lands and worlds to find the nature of things. And there was light. 71: And indeed did Floyd complain of a sore neck. 72: For Floyd was... umm... Floyd HAD a pain in the neck. 73: But finally did they return to Dunn's, as they always did. 74: And verily was there discussion of many things. 75: Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and whether pigs have wings. 76: But truly did they never mention that it was Lewis Carroll who spoke of it first, for they were unoriginal. 77: And in the end did they understand better, and they did return to their homes enlightened, and left a large tip. 78: For indeed is he holy who gives big tips. 79: And in the end, the money you make is equal to the money you give to waitresses. 80: And that was the InsanityFest. 81: And there was a long pause, in which very little of import did be in the happening of itself being. Umm. Yeah. 82: And truly did it near the time of the Nu-Yer, as the Penguins do most heathenly celebrate with the other heathenish celebrants in their celebratory celebrations which do be being such that they celebrate heathenly. 83: And on the day of December the nineteenth was there a great film which did attract stupid people. 84: For truly was it the Rocky Horror Picture Show, where all nonconformBLATTTs could gather to act exactly the same. 85: And Floyd did decide that it would be his duty to go there seeking the Hellhound 101, for Hellhound had been gone for many a month, his whereaCOWbouts unknown. 86: So Floyd did bedeck himself most nonconformBLATTTically. 87: And he did arrive there, and while seeing many that he knew, he saw none there resembling Hellhound 101, for Hellhound had been eaten by the winds that swept the desserts of Israel many years before, leaving an icecream-free zone. 88: But Floyd did watch the moving pictures, and did enjoy it in a way, but was surprised that Hellhound was not there. 89: But as many left, he saw the Salmon, whose home is a holy site to the PenguinBLATTTs. And with her was Jonathan Tracy, a holy one to the PenguinBLATTTs. 90: And this he took to be an omen. 91: So it came to pass that he comversed with many in the place, and found that though he knew none of them, many of them had read the Grate Book Of MOO, and he took this too to be an omen. 92: And he did depart with the Salmon and the Tracy and another to feast at Dunn's. 93: And he did discover that he had little money, and they had to leave soon, and that the seats near the door were not so holy as those farther from the door. 94: For the absence of Hellhound had cursed the city. 95: So it came to pass that they had to leave, and as Floyd walked alone through the alleys of the Market he did meet some people. 96: And he did recognize them, for they had seen the Moving Picture near him. 97: And among them were many he knew from elsewhere. 98: So he spoke to the heathen and laughed and joked. 99: And a miracle came to pass. 100: One of the heathen did ask him his name, and he did indicate his official clothing. 101: Hellhound still wasn't there, though. 102: And she did read his clothes, and an expression of knowledge did appear on her face. 103: And she said unto him these words: 104: "Floyd Gecko? As in the Book Of MOO?" 105: For she was yet another who had read the Book. 106: But there was more to come. 107: As they talked, he found that she knew much of the secrets of Robert Anton Wilson, famous DiscordianBLATTT. 108: And at this point, his strange hat did attract an odd man who offered them Jamaican Dope very quietly. 109: Floyd sent him away, because he had no money. 110: The girl to whom he spoke was upset and confused by this, for he had accomplished his purpose. 111: And it developed that she had read a very old Book, and did solemnly avow to meet him again at the next gathering of MOOists to gain another. 112: And they did converse long, and did run with the others and apart from the others in their discussions, and there was much climbing in and out of elevators and falling down stairs. 113: And eventually did they part their separate ways. 114: And that was the RockyFest. 115: And after there had been a Nu-Yer passed, and there had been anew a gathering of MOOists in places all, various, and sundry, there came to pass the appointed time for the next meeting. 116: And the MOOists did converge upon Dunn's like flies upon a mouldy bit of fruit. 117: Or perhaps a dead animal, which is unpleasant, but does indeed tend to attract flies. 118: Anyway. 119: So the MOOists and many non-MOOists alike did gather together in Dunn's, and did feast upon veggie platters, which they did steal from Floyd. 120: And in the time of this passing-having-come-to-be-occurring, there was much food-eating activities and dispensing of both money to waitresses, for there were two, and also of relish. 121: But their vile creation in a glass did not this time flee from the Deli, but sat there and supported a spoon, for it contained much Thousand-Islands Dressing, which would not let it move. 122: And so in consternation they attmpted to raise demons in it, but did find that they had no power over demons, not being that type. 123: And so the Slurry-Entity sat there and made "slurp squelch" noises, and was disgusting in much of its looks, and they did ignore it. 124: And eventually, after consuming of chocolate sundaes and carmel saturdaes did they leave Dunn's, finding it warm outside. 125: And they did fall to prey upon unsuspecting Rideau Centers, Annoying-Mind-Drugstores, and Computer Merchandise Peddling Places Of Commercial Enterprise (CMPPOCE's). 126: But finding nothing of interest, Halfy and Floyd and El Cid and Charon and indeed even the non-MOO Harizof did depart to the home of Floyd. 127: [CENSORED] 128: And they did then retire unto a great place of moving pictures to meet with Frieda, who had promised to show up there. 129: And so as they waited, consuming mints and examining the place in which they found themselves, they discovered the slurry beast from the first-and-a-half MOOFest. 130: But El Cid did step in it and kill it accidentally. 131: And soon did there arrive Frieda, with an array of knowledgeable others, who sat upon chairs, instead of stairs, and who ate food, instead of large rubber things that nobody could really identify except that they were purchased in Japan that time. 132: And upon these knowledgeable people was imparted knowledge, in the form of Books. 133: There were annoying mind drugs of MOO, Discord, and How-To Plumbing. 134: For a sink was clogged in the nether-world. 135: But that's neither here nor there. 136: For such is the nature of the nether-world. 137: And they did watch the parading of the MOOving pictures upons the screen before them by the name of AKIRA. 138: And they did joyously partake of insulting these pictures. 139: And their taunts and cries did cause great enjoyment to those around, and they were cheered. 140: And when the MOOvies were over, they did bow and take money in from the audience... NOT! 141: And when the non-MOO Harizof had vanished into thin air, just as had done folks in each of the MOOvies, there was much of a consternation. 142: And then all of a sudden... Well, most of a sudden, anyway. Well, some of a sudden.... 143: What does a sudden look like, anyway? That's what I want to know. Has anyone ever seen one? 144: Well anyway, they all left, and the MOOvies-Fest was ended. 145: And there was a breather. 146: Which was good, for if there hadn't been, they all would've died. 147: On account of breathing is good for you. HONEST. 148: And the breather went on until the time came for another Fest. 149: And it was eventually decided in roundabout ways that the Fest should be small, inviting only a few family mem... umm... 150: That it should be small, for Halfy was nowhere to be seen. 151: And indeed was it small, for though everyone showed up to see THE WALL and HEAVY METAL, they did most verily not notice each other, the crowd being so great. 152: And thus was the They-All-Missed-Each-OtherFest, which was never recorded anywhere, for it failed miserably. 153: And there was a short pause while they collected their wits. 154: And soon enough there was the end of the year of MOOFests, and it was determined that there should be one to mark the end of the first year of the Holy Church of the Great MOO's latest emergence into the world. 155: And so at 2:43:17.6 on the 21st of March, 135566 DPP did the Preest Lloyd Taco enter into Dunn's Deli, having abandoned me, his most P.Oed brother, at the Wendy's in the Rideau Center. 156: And with him were the two we had met, who had agreed to join our most blasphemous Church (for they were MOOist Wiccans). 157: And they were called Handmaiden Gates and Cat Bondage. 158: For truly did they have strange tastes in names, being wierdos. For each of them had chosen the name she wanted most, of all the wierd names that did circulate in the Market at that time. 159: And they did discover upon entry that there was a table most verily reserved for them already, though they had not arranged it. And it was miraculous. 160: And they did also discover a table most falsely reserved for them, which they HAD arranged. And it was not miraculous. 161: And they did sit. 162: And they did wait for a while. 163: And at this time, Halfy awoke many kilometers away, for he had overslept, the fool. 164: And so it transpired, back at the Deli, that Captain Cando had showed up, strangely enough. And he and Sgt. MOOre were both using the same body, as had long been suspected. 165: But no wombats did leap upon them, and neither did they leap upon wombats, for no wombats were to be found. 166: And neither were there any printers to be found, until later that evening. So it wasn't really quite so strange as the first MOOFest until later, when the Peace Tower began to speak. 167: But that's another story, and I'll get to that in a sec, okay? 168: Anyway. 169: WOWEE! Speaking of Wiccans... Check out the verse, dude! 170: Anyway, this is beside the point. 171: And as time passed there did arrive Mr. Slippery, whose leaflets did truly suck, and Charon, and Oberon, and Mr. Canoe Head, and Comrad Harizof, and Half-Mad, and Madness and Terminal Entry, and Jesus, who sat at a table on the other side, where none spotted him, and El Cid, and Longshot, and the Disinterested Observer from Om Ceti, and one known as Lyds (wierdo). 172: And so it was that many MOOists did fill up and overflow the reservation most mysteriously made for them. 173: For whatever God or Goddess had made the reservation had fucked up on the number. 174: And the MOOists did create slurries in glasses, which the most blasphemous waitress did remove. 175: And the MOOists did feast upon food, which the most helpful waitress did deliver unto them. 176: And they ate and read and congregated, and the most dBLATTTressed waitress did leave her shift. 177: And so at 5:00:12 they did leave Dunn's and most truly split. 178: And they did visit the Rideau Center, where Lloyd, that stupid fool, was ROLLED down a hallway. And they preached to the masses and put the book on hard-drives in 'puter stores, until the ones known as Security were called. 179: And since Atrox was working as Security, nothing much happened. 180: And so they spent a good three-quarters of an hour, give or take two minutes and twelve seconds. 181: And after returning to the Wendy's, where I was picked up (and I manacled the blasphemous Lloyd to a chair for deserting me), we went most ravenously forth unto Spark's Street to preach. 182: Only nobody was there, on account of it was evening, and cold, this being Canada, after all, and what did I expect on the first day of spring, WARMTH OR SOMETHING? 183: But NOOOOOO, the stupid WEATHER hadda get in the way, and we couldn't FUCKING PREACH TO THE MASSES, DAMMIT! 184: Well that's just how it IS, when you live in CANADA, isn't it? 185: LAND OF BLOODY ICE AND BLOODY SNOW, INNIT? 186: NOT LIKE WE COULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED ANY BLEEDING GRASS OR ROBINS BLOODY WELL CHIRPING ON THE FIRST DAY OF BLOODY SPRING, EH? 187: Anyway. 188: We did retire unto the Parliament buildings, losing El Cid and Longshot, and the Disinterested Observer along the way. 189: If found, please return to the Church Of MOO, 40 Grove Ave, Ottawa ON, K1S 3A6. 190: And so we did toast marshmallows on the Eternal Flame, and warm our chilled hands. 191: And we did spell out MOO on the ground just as the Peace Tower began to chime 6:00:00.00ish. 192: And so it began to speak to us, for we had inhaled the fumes of the Eternal Flame, speaking as it did about wombats and where wombats live, and what they eat. At least, that's how *I* remember it. 193: And we did offer mints to those who left the building. 194: And they did refuse, even though they were Free and also Made In Canada. 195: For they had been brainwashed by the Evil Bung, Brian Mulroney, at that time Prime MinBLATTTer of Canada. 196: For though he was evil (sometimes) and nasty (sometimes), at least he didn't have a sweet tooth. 197: I think. 198: And truly did we return unto the Rideau Center, losing the Mr. Slippery, who CLAIMED to have reserved our table for us. 199: And Handmaiden Gates and Cat Bondage and Mr. Canoe Head were initiated into our ranks on the food court, for we are not too proud to share our rituals with the public, like SOME RELIGIONS I COULD MENTION!!! 200: Not to name any names. 201: And truly did Madness and Mr. Canoe Head and Terminal Entry and Comrad Harizof (the pyro one) and Lyds and them spontaneously combust, due to Harizof's incessant meddling. 202: And the rest of us, all seven who were left, seek out Halfy's car, for he is overly fond of driving. 203: Ain't that just the way? The Handmaiden and Captain Cando got the big Front Seat with Halfy, and the rest of us hadda squish and squash to even BEGIN to fit in the back. 204: And Charon kept stealing MY hat, too. 205: And Oberon did complain that he had to leave (mostly on account of how tiny he had to squeeze to fit in the seat) and other horrendous plagues of that type did beset the MOOists. 206: And Charon did receive a most horrific bite on the head from me when he stole my hat again. 207: Served him right, too. 209: And Cat Bondage did complain of sundry people jostling. 210: And so Halfy (who had replied "This Way" to "Where are we going") came to a stop in Kanata, threw out Oberon, who was whining, and we continued on our way. 211: And so we returned to Udduwah (the Great Capital) and did rest at my home, where we most accidentally interrupted a rather nice dinner party for a few moments before reaching the temple. 212: For what can you do when people are invited to your home? 213: Anyway. 214: We then proceeded to the great MOOvie Freejack, which we did observe until it was over, which we deemed a good time to stop watching it, on account of it wasn't on anymore. 215: And, it being over, Charon did jump up and down, having consumed so much caffeine we wondered why he didn't explode. 216: For 30 cups of coffee is too much for one night, even if 23 of them are contained within Jolt Cola (Charon's Drink). 217: And it was true that as we did that hurtling-down-the-road- and-lBLATTTening-to-loud-industrial-music bit, Charon was a little agitated, though the back seat was still my undignified lot. 218: And so I contrived to bring us to a Donut Shoppe so that I might regain my Seat of Honour, in the front. 219: And it came to pass that in the course of this I accidentally (HONEST) hit the Handmaiden in the eye with a decapitated chicken made of rubber. 220: This sentence fell into this chapter from somewhere else, and does not, in fact, belong here. This one, however, does, and attests to the fact that the smacking-in-the-eye-with-a- chicken-with-no-head was, in fact, an accidence. HONEST. 221: And so I was forced to purchase many many donuts to make up for this most accidentally accidental accident which I had, totally by accident, accidentally accidented. 222: And there was much eating of donuts, and explaining to Charon that if he didn't stop bounding around, he couldn't stay inside, and sitting on funny Donut Shoppe stools. 223: And it was explained to Charon about the mysteries of creation and infinity, but he wasn't paying attention, being too jittery. 224: And so it came to pass that the time was drawing to a close in which I could still get that front seat. 225: So I made a break for it, and did truly get to ride there on the way back from the Donut Shoppe. 226: And as for what became of Lloyd, he won't say, hitting me as he does with a steel-plated decapitated wombat-chicken. 227: But hell, he got home, didn't he? 228: And so I knew nothing of what happened after that, for I wasn't even there to record. 229: And thus was the first year of MOOFests at an end. 230: And here ends my recording of them. Chapter 4. (The Book Of Answers) 1: The High Preest then said unto his followers one day, 2: I shall tell you the answers now. 3: But nobody was there, for he had few followers. 4: Then the High Preest, after the Great MOO had enlightened Saint Yari, said finally one later day unto the MOOists, 5: I shall tell you the answers now. 6: And they asked what the questions were. 7: And the first question was 8: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? 9: And the answer was 10: Thirty Million Kilograms. 11: And the second question was 12: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? 13: And the answer was 14: Five Billion, Six Hundred Sixty-Two Million, Eight Hundred Thirty Seven Thousand, Nine Hundred and Five. 15: And the third question was 16: How much ground could a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground? 17: And the answer was 18: Seventy Hectares. 19: And the fourth question was 20: Why is a pig round? 21: And the answer was 22: Why not? 23: And the fifth question was 24: What is the meaning of life? 25: And the answer was 26: (CENSORED BY THE U.S. MILITARY) FNORD! 27: And the sixth question was 28: What is the MOO for? 29: And the answer was 30: Get lost, I'm tired of answering your stupid questions. Chapter 5. (The Book Of The Tundra) 1: The High Preest did say to his vaguely following followers the following words: 2: You ask, oh followingly following followers, the following question: what the hell happened to the Tundra? 3: I shall tell you, oh followers, and attentest thee well, oh you in the back, for I can see you falling asleep. HEY! You in the back! Wake up! That's better. 4: Oh recall, friends, how in the gospel accordion to Saint Yari the Tundra was destroyed by the Great MOO, well this is the fuller-than-that-but-still-pretty-damn-empty story. 5: In the beginning was the Game, and the Game was Nomic, and the Game grew bored of playing all on it's own 6: And the Great MOO created herself retroactively. 7: In this great retroactive creation was made the Game itself, the Great MOO, and nothing else. 8: But soon, I tell you, the Great MOO became bored, as behooves a Goddess with nothing to do. 9: And so it came to pass that the tundra and the Penguins were made. 10: But even so, the Great MOO did yet again become bored. So the Explosion was made to happen, albeit a bit reluctantly. 11: And so was the tundra shattered into an incredibly large number of teeny tiny bits. 12: As told in the Gospel Accordion To Saint Yari, one of these was round, and was called The Universe. In it lay The Earth, which was also round. 13: And this Earth was given to Eris, as told in a sec, so don't go away. 14: Another of the bits was taken by the Primordial Penguin and in it were made the brood of Second Generation Penguins. And one of these was Jehovah. 15: And the Second Generation Penguins did flee to Earth and live in Antarctica, along with Jehovah. 16: And the son of Jehovah, being half-human and half-penguin, was named ChrBLATTT (misnamed ChrBLATTT) and verily, oh my friends, he was nailed to a tree. 17: What a sap. 18: And another part of the Tundra was Void-Shaped, and the Great MOO did call it the Void, because the Great MOO wasn't one to muck about with stupid names for things. 19: And out of the void were created, through the eternal wrestle of the Void with itself, Eris and Aneris. 20: And Eris did take The Universe as her plaything, for she was daughter Goddess of the Great MOO, and that was her right. 21: And Aneris did mope, but found another bit of the Tundra to play with, and it was called Aneris's Plaything, on account of Aneris didn't screw around with dumb names either. 22: Aneris's Plaything was a bit of the Tundra which happened to be extremely boring. 23: Yet another bit of the Tundra was formed by the Great MOO by Nomic Rule Number (Extremely High Number) into "BOB", her first son. 24-28: [Consult information on "BOB" elsewhere in this book, or any person belonging to the Church of the Sub-Genius.] 29: One bit of Tundra was formed by the Great MOO into QUACK, but we don't like to talk about him. 30: And QUACK did gain his followers on the Earth. 31-34: [Consult the Book of QUACK for info on QUACKBLATTT.] 35: Verily indeed at the time of the making of QUACK did the Great MOO turn her attention unto The Earth, and made Cow into her own image. 36: And the Humans, who were ugly were-slugs, did crawl out of the sea to see what was going on. 37: Truly was the Great MOO disgusted to see humans, so as a joke she made a committee to design a GNU form, and the committee was called Prophet Of MOO. 38: And the Prophet of MOO did create beer and draft and did eventually design the form of humans, while thinking itself to be a human as well. 39: And another bit of Tundra was the Hot Dog. But it got eaten. 40: A bit of the Tundra which was shaped like a Fire Hydrant, and was consequently named the Fire Hydrant, fell to the Earth, and split open, and there was truly a great floyd. Uh, I mean flood. 41: And Jehovah, seeing that the flood might destroy his world, did warn a man named "Noah" and his wife "Priscilla Presley" of the flood, and they did gather animals in a great boat. 42: And Jehovah did wrestle with the Fire Hydrant for forty days and forty nights, looking extremely silly. 43: Because the sight of a Fire Hydrant wrestling a Penguin was so silly, the Fire Hydrant became a great Icon of MOO, and many small models were built along streets and in cities, and they were worshipped by MOOists with a mutter of MOO. 44: Noah's wife, Priscilla Presley, was born again to the same name, many thousands of years later, but forgot all about the business with the boat. 45: (TOP SECRET) 46: And a shower of infinitely many dust particles from the Tundra did become named Souls. 47-55: [Consult Book of Really Secret Secrets for info on Souls] 56: And there were a whole bunch of others too, but I'm getting bored of explaining it to you. There were infinitely many of them, so there isn't really room here. 57: But truly were many Penguins survivors of the Great Explosion, and being birds, they swallowed some of the Souls. 58: And many of these swallowed Godlike Souls of five or six levels higher than humans. 59: And these became Gods, with such names as Jupiter, Quetzalcoatl, Zeus, Xoccipetl, Odin, Thor, Vishnu, Hera, Brahma, Athena, Venus, Tsuliwaensis, and many many others. 60: And one of these, whose name was, boringly, God, made a bet with the others, and was reincarnated as a Human, the lowest form of life they could think of (also the one that came out of the hat, but that's another story). 61: And this God instantly changed his name to something much longer, and did become the Great Prophet of MOO. 62: And the High Preest, well, that's another story entirely. 63: For the tale of how the High Preest came to be, while very long and complicated, is not very interesting. 64: So spake the High Preest, warning that this whole story would be repeated later in simplified format for the guy in the back. 65: For the guy in the back had, against all warnings, fallen asleep. Chapter 6. (The Book Of Vague Threats) 3: The MOO did descend unto Earth, and Floyd did bite it, and Halfy did say "Eh" and there was a great Wombat over the land, and Floyd did say "Huh" and "Yeah verily" and other bible things, and Halfy did bite the wombat, which was odd, because it should go the other way around. 4: Thou shalt bloody well write in area 9 or thou shalt spontaneously fall into a quantum matrix wormhole and thou shalt forever fall unto the pit of more-or-less eternal damnation of those who fail to smear themselves with caramel at the Lord's command. 5: And truly as it was in the beginning shall it come to pass in the end, and for as it was in the pluperfect, verily shalt it be in the future subjunctive, and indeed will there be a great horror upon the land, when cactusses, um, cackti... them things roam free among the streets being made of foam rubber. 6: And truly shalt thou assBLATTT the cac... them things... in their being-made-of-plastic-and-roaming-freely-about-the- streets activities by creating foam rubber them things, or the Great MOO shall frown upon you for the rest of your days. And nights. 17: And as it was in the end, so it shall have sometimes been in the beginning, and there will be a day of reckoning, and thou shalt be accountable for King Kong's sins, for though he died for yours, he forgot to die for his own. 23: And twelve bagels will descend on you, and chew the ligaments from your flesh, and munch on your toenails, if you for one minute forget to look both ways before crossing the street. Chapter 7. (The Book Of Yo-Yo) 1: Before the beginning, there were no yo-yo tops. 2: And then, there was the beginning, and the birth of the universe. 3: And still there were no yo-yo tops. 4: And then there came the middle. 5: And in the middle, there came the yo-yo. 6: For the God-thing Yo-Yo said, "Let us create yo-yo in our own image", and so it did. 7: And saw that it was Karmic. 8: And verily did it say unto themselves, "Let me make this a prayer unto us, so that whomsoever may spin it shall become one of my devotees." 9: Only this didn't work too well, because everyone has beliefs just like you do, and they're all right. You're WRONG, always. 10: And it's just like Namron to do a thing like that. 11: But then one day, the true Plan came into being. 12: For Floyd was yo-yoing his merry way through the Market when... 13: Acidhead... "Hey man, can I have your yo-yo?" 14: Floyd's buddy... "Uh oh..." 15: Floyd... "Why?" 16: Acidhead... "Because I'm on acid." 17: Floyd... "No, this is a special yo-yo." 18: Acidhead... "Why?" 19: Floyd... "It's a prayer-wheel yo-yo. Whenever it spins, it sends a prayer to Yo-Yo, and increases my Karma." 20: Acidhead... "You have Karma?" 21: Floyd... "You bet yer prepackaged bananas." 22: Acidhead... "Where'd you get it?" 23: Floyd... "That Karma store around the corner, two blocks to the left..." 24: Acidhead... "What's Karma?" 25: Floyd... "It's like jam for the soul. It comes in different flavours, and depending on whether it's good or bad, you reincarnate differently." 26: Acidhead... "So you can cast spells?" 27: Floyd... "No, I need to get more Karma for that." 28: Acidhead... "How?" 29: Floyd... "Practice. Gotta use the Karmic Yo-Yo. That's why I need to keep it. Nothing personal." 30: Acidhead... "You're fucking with my head, man." 31: Floyd... "Guess I shouldn't do that, huh?" 32: Acidhead... "'Sokay." 33: And truly they shook hands, which the yo-yo made difficult, and parted their separate ways. 34: For indeed, it is hard to part if you both go the SAME way. 35: And so it came to pass that one of them believed in yo-yo, and the karmic power of the yo-yo. 36: We're just not sure which one. 37: Which is rather reassuring, really.FNORD! Chapter 8. (The Book Of The Penguin) (Being Partly For The Guy In The Back) (Who Fell Asleep In Floyd 5:65) 1: In the beginning, there was Nomic, and the face of the Nomic moved upon the waters of the deep. 2: And the Nomic made a Retroactive Rule, and saw that it was good. 3: And the Nomic said "Let there be a Great MOO!" 4: Thus was the Great MOO created, and verily did the Great MOO begin to play the game of the Nomic. 5: Indeed did the Great MOO create herself by the Nomic, and truly was the Nomic pleased, and saw that it was good. 6: And the Great MOO, seeing that the world was without form, and void, did say "Let there be a tundra!" 7: And verily was there a tundra. And the Great MOO did look on the tundra, and saw that it was good. 8: But soon, the Great MOO saw that she had nobody to play Nomic with, and did become dBLATTTraught. 9: And indeed did the Great MOO discover the Other. And the Great MOO created herself a Great Idea. And the Great MOO proclaimed "Let there be Penguins!" 10: And truly were there Penguins. 11: Indeed, one of these Penguins was the Primordial Penguin, and this Penguin was smarter than the rest. And the Great MOO saw this, and saw that it was good. 12: And indeed did the Great MOO take up playing the game of Nomic with the Primordial Penguin, and did verily ordain the nature of things. 13: So it came to pass that the world began to change itself, and so through the game of Nomic was the world changed. 14: But soon the Great MOO decided that it was time to expand the Game, and truly did she say "Let there be a world in which to live!" 15: And indeed did the tundra become a world, and life became possible, through the Great MOO. 16: Seeing this, the lesser Penguins would have rejoiced, but they were only Penguins, and stupid. 17: And so the Penguins did not rejoice, but went on living as if nothing had ever happened. 18: But the Great MOO saw this, and decided that it wasn't as good as the other things, but it wasn't too bad. 19: So the Nomic continued, and through its continuance the world became chaotic, and things became muddled and sort of confused. 20: But indeed did the Great MOO ponder this, and she saw that it was good, if somewhat confusing for the poor Penguins. 21: In the end the Great MOO and the Primordial Penguin continued the Game of Nomic, and they created the Souls of the world, and the souls of the world were allowed to play the game. 22: So the souls of the world were divided unto their ranks, and their ranks extended infinitely in both directions, for the Penguin and the Great MOO were able to understand this confusion. 23: And the Souls of the world play the game of Nomic to this day, and they continue to change the world. 24: But soon the Great MOO decided enough was enough, and verily she did create an explosion, using her MOO powers, granted to her by herself, by the Nomic. 25: (TOP SECRET) 26: And verily did the Great MOO create an explosion, and the tundra was scattered across the face of the world, and the peices did become things. 27: And one of these things was round, and it was the Earth. 28: And one of these things was formless, and it was VOID. 29: And one of these things was a hot-dog, and it was eaten. 30: And one of these things was funny-looking, and it was laughed at. 31: From the Earth, as told by Yari, was created humans, and Cows. 32: From the VOID was created Eris and Aneris, as told by Discordians. 33: From the hot-dog was created nothing, as told by nobody special. 34: From the funny-looking thing was created more Penguins, and Jehovah, as told by the PenguinBLATTTs. 35: Also in this time were created by the Great MOO two sons, to join in their play her two daughters Eris and Aneris. 36: The names of these sons were "BOB" and QUACK, as known to MOOists. 37: And their tales are told elsewhere. 38: SO ENDS THE BOOK OF THE PENGUIN Chapter 9. (The Book Of The Saints) 1: The High Preest did one day sit down while lBLATTTening to Abbey Road on a set of earphones, and did ponder unto himself. 2: And the ways of his pondering were many and varied, but generally ponderous and ponderish and ponderlike. 3: And he did think unto himself the idea that the Beatles had made a great donation to MOO. Though he wasn't sure how. 4: Then he pondered it some more. And his ponderings were still many, but somewhat less varied, and all of a ponderitious, ponderous, ponderlike, ponderoid, ponderish, and ponderisk. 5: And he then said unto himself: "HEY! I GOT IT!" 6: And he then went on further unto himself and said such things as the words which follow these ones here only not in this verse because this verse is dedicated to explaining it's own purpose after indicating that the words of the ponderitious ponderings of the High Preest follow. 7: Unto himself said the High Preest: "I should stop talking unto myself. It's silly, and makes me sound foolish." 8: Unto the world therefore said he: "The Beatles made a great contribution to MOOism because they promoted free sex and a lot of the other stuff, and without them, those things might not have occurred to me." 9: Unto the world again said Floyd: "Yeah, okay. So other people have supported that stuff, and a whole bunch did it before them. But they were real famous, and got it all popularized. And, besides... who's the Preest around here? Okay? Okay." 10: Then said the High Preest unto someone who wasn't there because they probably got bored and left: "But John Lennon is dead... Doesn't that qualify him to be a saint fourth class like Yari?" 11: And then he spake: "Yeah, what the hell... Why not?" 12: And then he decided unto himself that he would justify to posterity, though not to his posterior, because it wasn't lBLATTTening, why some of the saints exBLATTTed. 13: "Spaxter", he said unto the world, "is a fictional character of interest. He's just so damn cool. LBLATTTen to Spaxter and Spaxter-Back. You'll know why. Besides... I think Hellhound made him a saint because of the neat gauntlet and all that neat stuff. I'm not being very coherent, am I?" 14: And Eris spoke unto him for a fraction of a second only, saying that no, he wasn't. 15: And he looked around confusedly. 16: "I don't know nothing about no Yossarian. He's someone from Catch 22, I think. Ask Hellhound. Allright? I dunno. Jeez. MOO!" 17: He neglected to mention Yari, on account of how that ought to be obvious to everyone in the world with an ounce (or even a gram) of common sense. 18: He also neglected to mention the others, because they were pretty self-explanitory, and because he was getting bored. 19: He then realized that he'd only covered two of the hundreds of thousands. And he sighed at the futility, and said MOO again. 20: Kinda metaphoric, innit? 21: Still, Floyd's just the kinda guy who gives up easily. 22: He ignored St. Feynmann, though, who was brilliant and weird, who stole a door at MIT, and when asked if he did it, said YES. 23: They still didn't believe him, though. 24: Damn shame he croaked. 25: Still, his Nobel Prize brought the richly deserved recognition to utter silliness and practical jokiness. 26: And St. Fuller (Or St. Bucky, as he's affectionately called), did Floyd (the great lout) also annoy. 27: Even though he was cool. 28: For he realized the importance of Synergy. 29: And built the Dymaxion Car. And Geodesic Domes. 30: Which was maybe not so good, because the Xennothemians used a St. Fuller Dome to try to take over the world. 31: But St. Fuller, Synergy-Lord A La Extraordinaire, made possible all sorts of understanding and mystical import things like that there, which was all to the good. 32: Only, since I'm also Floyd, I'm a-gonna give up here. 33: Just as metaphoric the second time. 34: Or even metaphyvic. 35: Or thurtyphyvic. Chapter 11. (First Book Of Evil) 1: And one day it came to pass that there was an evil blight upon the land. 2: And verily was it evil. 3: And a blight. 4: Oh, and did I mention that it was upon the land? 5: Thought so. DOWN WITH Chapter 12. (Second Book Of Evil) 1: So anyways, there was this blight, see, and it was evil. 2: And the people did lament, for it did seem as though the evil Bung was to be Secretary General of the United Nations, and verily did they think that to be a catastrophe. 3: And truly were they upset. 4: Then one day came a strange man unto the land of Udduwah, and he did bring the teachings of Bung to the people, and they did say unto each other these words: 5: "Hey, this makes a lot of sense you know, man!" 6: And the people did abandon the ways of supply-side economics, and taxable returns, and they were fruitful, and were merry. 7: Then one day there came a hideous winter on the land of Udduwah, and every person of that land was cold and did shiver, and made BRRRR noises. 8: And finally did a woman speak with the wisdom of her kind, saying that it was the work of the Great MOO, and that the acceptance of Bung was the cause of this. 9: And truly was it spoken by this woman, whose name was Mila, that supply-side economics were the only true words of the Great MOO. 10: And Mila did stand upon a great hill upon which there stood a large building with a green roof, and a flame burning verily from the very water that did flow from a fountain. 11: And amidst this splendour did Mila speak to the people of the holy city of Udduwah, and did tell them of the truths of MOO. 12: For Mila had knowledge of That Evil Guy, and did prate unto those who would lBLATTTen that the Evil One was to blame for the economic misfortunes of the country in which stood the holy city. 13: And indeed were the economic times harsh, for the Prime Rate stood at only 3.6%, and verily were no investors interested in borrowing. 14: And indeed had the dollar slumped to less than 82.3 cents per U.S. dollar, and the trading volume of the market was down 54% from the predicted norm for that financial quarter. 15: "Oh lBLATTTen," said the wise Mila, with the wisdom of her ages. 16: "Oh lBLATTTen, that thou mayest understandeth the factth of thith motht important matterst." 17: And truly did Mila remove a cat hair from her mouth, knowing that it did make her talk like a fool. 17: And Mila did puzzle for a moment, for truly had she forgotten what she was saying. 18: "Oh yeah," spake Mila the Wise unto the people of Udduwah, who were assembled on the great Hill of the magical fire. 19: "Oh yeah," spake she, remembering now what she was speaking on, for truly had the memory been taken from her mind by the Evil One. 20: "Learn ye now the ways of the Evil One, that ye may avoid them, for truly is the Evil One a tory, and truly shall ye be bitten by the ways of the tories if ye not know their ways." 21: But Mila lost her wisdom to the Evil One, and she spake at great length on matters economic and financial, political and hBLATTToric, and she lost her train of thought, for her soul had been taken unto the very pit of the Evil One. 22: And thus ended the events of the second book of Evil. 23: This line does not belong here, but fell in from another chapter entirely. Chapter 13. (Third Book Of Evil) 1: Know ye the ways of evil, that ye may avoid them. 2: Firstly, know that Bung shall approach you in the guise of truth, covering lies. 3: Know also that the Evil One shall speak when thou least expecteth him to be speaking at you, that clever little bugger. 4: Know even more also that the Evil One is also a MOOist, for truly is everyone a MOOist anyway. 5: And indeed, shalt thou follow the words of the Evil One, if they seemeth reasonably reasonable to you. 6: However, thou art not to lBLATTTen to the words of the Evil One, for they are truly evil, and thou musteth not, um, lBLATTTen to evil stuff. 7: Like heavy metal music. 8: That's REALLY evil. 9: Yup. 10: And verily is the evil one manifest in the world in many ways, for not only is "The Evil One" a title of MOO, but also is the Evil One an evil, um... one. 11: And thou shalt cast out Bung from thy heart, for Bung is not very nice. And is evil. 12: And truly shalt thou not accept him in any way shape or form, for verily doth he disguise himself as a friend, and as the truth. 13: But know you now the true form of Bung, for he is shapethed like a rock, and rock-shaped is he, being of the shape similar to and very much like a rock, as is a rock. 14: And when thou seeth Bung, shalt thou raise him on high and speak unto the Great MOO, saying these words: 15: "Hey, look, I found a rock." 16: And then truly shalt thou put Bung back where thou foundethest him, being the place where thou were doing the finding of him, and his place where he was when thou found him. 17: And if in this way thou casteth all thoughts of the Evil One from thy heart shalt thou genuinely and honestly be blessed. 18: But know you now that the Evil One will come in many guises other than that of a rock, for truly is That Evil Guy everywhere. 19: That Evil Guy may verily be manifested as a prime-minBLATTTer of thy country, or a president of someone else's. 20: If thou perceiveth this to be the caseth, thou shalt be urged on by little voices in thy head to leap from cliffs or to slit thy wrBLATTTs. 21: But ignoreth thou these voices, for they are servants of That Evil Guy, for truly are his servants everywhere. 22: And those voices which tell you to kill people, they are servants of the Evil Person. 23: And those voices which speak unto you, saying these words: 24: Come one, wake up, it's time to get up! 25: Thou shalt also ignore these voices, for truly is it written, and it's written right here, in fact, that the servans of the Evil One are everywhere. 26: Indeed, any voice which speaketh to you is a servant of the Evil One, and thou should kill it. 27: Honest. 28: And having said these words, we move on to a parable. 29: A parable. 30: 31: Did you see it? 32: Parable, n. 1) A discourse, tale, story, speech, comparison, teaching, laying side-by-side of, analogy, proverb. From Gk, para- (beside) bole (a throw), thus, placing beside. 33: 2) A comparison, similitude. Saying something to demonstrate a point. See also, parable. 34: And now... 35: THE PARABLE: 36: Once upon a time, there was a wise old MOOist who lived in the mountain, and owned much in the way of frozen deli meats, which was maybe not quite so wise as it might have been, but on the whole, he was fairly wise. 37: And one day, a seeker of knowledge went unto this wise old man so that he might ask him of the truth, and demand an answer to the nature of evil. 38: This was because the seeker was a fool, and kept thinking about that kind of thing all day, and didn't understand the purpose of MOO. 39: And this wise old MOOist, whose name was Joshu, lBLATTTened to the seeker as his questions. 40: Then the MOOist spoke, telling the seeker what evil was. 41: And the words of the MOOist were these: 42: "Well, evil is, um... It's like, when stuff isn't very nice, and it's bad. Okay, so like, evil is not good." 43: For verily was the old MOOist not so wise as he said he was. 44: But then the seeker went to another MOOist, who also lived in those mountains. 45: And this second MOOist was even wiser than the first, for she had some vague notion about what evil was all about. 46: And the seeker went unto the second MOOist, and asked her what was the nature of evil, and whether he could have a box of rasinettes. 47: (This commercial message not yet paid for by Rasinettes INC. It is the duty of all MOOists to pester the people who make them and remind them that they have an outstanding debt to the Church Of MOO.) 48: And the wise MOOist did look around for some rasinettes, and when she had found them, did return to speak to the seeker on what evil is. 49: And her words were wise ones. 50: Or, um, well, the WORDS weren't particularly wise, but the stuff she was talking about was wise. Or at least, the ideas she was referring to were products of a wise mind when it was being wise. 51: Her words were these: 52: "Evil is like a box of rasinettes. It's sort of glossy cardboard on the outside, with a whole bunch of chocoloate- coated raisins inside." 53: And the seeker was confused. 54: Which makes sense, since those were actually pretty damn stupid words, when you think about it. 55: I mean, what would raisinettes be doing in an Evil? Raisinettes are the food of the Great MOO, when she's not munching on grass. 56: (This has been yet another example of why Raisinettes INC. should pay us lots of money.) 57: Okay, so the parable was stupid. 58: Umm... 59: Okay, I have an idea. Here's a better way to explain what evil is supposed to be. Suppose you have two people. 60: And one of these two people is a MOOist, and one of these two people is a servant of the Evil One. 61: The MOOist will be nice to Bung until Bung does something nasty. 62: But BUNG will be evil right away. 63: Does that help? 64: Didn't think so. 65: Okay, look. BUNG is evil, because BUNG isn't MOO, and anything that isn't MOO is Evil. Never mind that Bung is a category of MOOism. EVERYTHING is a category of MOOism. 66: Umm. No, forget I said that. Scratch Floyd 13,65 from memory. 67: I have a better idea. 68: 69: Wait for it! WAIT FOR IT! 70: 71: There's no such thing as Evil. They're all just different sides of the same thing. 72: ... 73: That saves a lot of explanation, anyway. Chapter of sayings. Confuse-Ius once say "If you break a mirror, don't eat the silver." ConfuCOWse-Ius once say "If you kick the bucket, you will stub your toe." Confuse-I ---DEATH TO ALL--- us once say "Biting the bullet is the best way to solve iron-deficiency." Confuse-Ius twice say to me "If you do that again, I break your other arm." Confuse-Ius say many times "@#!YU!#*&$#" Confuse-Ius once say to lamppost "Your mother was a totem pole." Confuse-Ius once say "Never Eat Shredded Wheat." Confuse-Ius once say "When opportunity knocks, nobody's home." Confuse-Ius once say "If you're happy you'll get over it." Chapter 14. (Yet ANOTHER Book Of EvilFNORD!) 1: A long, long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away... 2: There sat a small annoying mind drug, which was titled The Great Book Of MOO. 3: And truly, it was kinda like this one, you know? Only it wasn't quite so nicely edited, and it was a little shorter, and the binding was laced with red string. 4: And printed upon the pages of this book was the stupidest pile of nonsense that the Great MOO did ever lay eyes on, and she did wonder why she even bothered to get up some mornings. 5: It then occurred to her that she didn't, for she was always awake and was real omniscient and everything like that. 6: Which was cool. 7: So she thought unto herself that she should make this annoying mind drug a book of Evil, so that all might see it for what it was, and make silly faces at it so that it might feel embarrassed. 8: And verily was it a decree of the Great MOO that all must look upon a book entitled The Great Book Of MOO with dBLATTTaste. 9: For truly is that book a book of great Evil, being written by That Evil Guy. 10: And so it came to pass that the Great Book Of MOO became a book of Evil, and its followers all Evil. 11: So you'd better all follow THIS Great Book Of MOO, for it is the only real one. Any Book that claims otherwise is lying. KILL IT! 12: And so you must see the followers of these books for the silly people that they are. 13: For though you are silly too, you shouldn't jump to conclusions about which silly is a GOOD silly, and which is planted by BUNG. 14: And when meetest thou a follower of Evil, accosteth him thusly: 15: "Yo! Evil person! I know you're Evil, so there's no point even trying to hide it! YES YOU! Stop being Evil or ELSE!" 16: And if the Evil one says "Or else what?" thou shalt welcome that Evil one as actually being a MOOist in disguise. 17: And if the Evil One sayeth not "Or Else What?" thou shalt also welcome that Evil One as actually being a MOOist in disguise, and stop pretending there's such a thing as Evil. 18: But if the Evil One does neither of these two things, thou must accost him thus: 19: "In the name of someone or other, STOP BEING EVIL!" 20: Repeateth thou this behaviour until the Evil Bung stops being so Evil anymore, and there's no such thing. 21: And thus ended the proclamation of the Great MOO. 22: And the Penguin did grin, and the MOOists did all feast upon carp and ocelots and breakfast cereals, and celery with this sort of curry-salsa hot sauce, which actually tastes much better than it sounds. 23: Honest. Chapter 15. (Book Of Infiltrations) 1: Speaking of EVIL. 2: The Holy Church of the Great MOO is the target of a LOT of Evil. 3: They can't wait to get their grubby hands on us. 4: The CapriCancers, the Xennothemians, the Conspiracy. All of 'em. 5: They know our destiny, so they try to INFILTRATE! 6: You're not a secret infiltrator, ARE YOU? 7: Hmm. 8: The Xennothemians got Lloyd, my brother. 9: A thing came out of his stomach. Or maybe he pupated. I forget. 10: Anyway, he was taken over by aliens. That's the main thing. 11: They snuck some bullshit into this book, but we dunno what. 12: And the CapriCancers. 13: Not ONLY can they not decide when they were born, they're EVIL. 14: They got Leper Messiah, one of our earliest and silliest. 15: They warped his mind. 16: And made him think silliness was "fuckin' stoopid". 17: They ALMOST got Hellhound 101. 18: They make us turn against one another, for paranoia. 19: They use evil mind-control laser things. 20: From the Kremlin, yeah, the Kremlin! The commies weren't using the gear anymore, so the aliens and CapriCancers got it! 21: To try to destroy us! 22: But you won't let THAT happen, will you? 23: Didn't THINK so. Chapter 16. (Book Of The Future) 1: So one day, the Penguin spoke to the Earth. And the words which He spoke were long and many, but can be summarized. 2: And he claimed that they were agreed-to by the Great MOO, but the Great MOO refused to make comment. 3: And it was unknown at the time whether this was agreed-on stuff or not. But the Penguin claimed that it was why the Great MOO had given the word of MOO unto humans, and not just Cows. 4: But this is unclear. 5: At any rate... 6: (MIDDLE SECRET) 7: So the words of the Penguin was transcribed by the unknowing Grate Profit of the Penguin, who made it known by strange means involving grape jelly unto a man named Hans. 8: And Hans did sort of write down some of it in his own vague way. 9: And the conclusion was frightening, but he wasn't frightened, because Hans wasn't easily scared. 10: And the words were something approximately like these: 11: Some day, the Universe, this tiny bit of Tundra in which we live, near many infinities of other Universes, will die a heat-death. 12: And verily shall Entropy and other evil demons take posession of it and it shall sort of wind down and sputter to a halt. 13: And truly, this shall be a manifestation of the goddess Eris and her brother QUACK. For together they broke the Universe. But this is of no importance, for QUACK shall drop it on the floor anyway. 14: But the word of MOO as carried by the Humans and the Cow is a unique word of MOO, and must escape. Mustn't it? Kinda sorta? 15: So it is thus the will of the Great MOO that the Humans devise for themselves a way to escape the Universe, so that they may spread the word unto the other Universes. 16: And to do this, it is proposed that they must do something. 17: Which makes sense, because you can't really get something done without doing anything, can you? 18: Well, actually, you can, and the way you do it is 19: (TOP SECRET) 20: So there's no point, really, is there? 21: So, while all other beings that inhabit the Universe also carry their truth of the Word of MOO and the Penguin, Humans too must escape the breaking of the Universe. 22: And the thing that they must do to do this is rather complicated and hard to describe, but fairly important anyway. 23: And it is said by the unconfirmed Penguin that this is why He and She spread their Word unto us, so that we may do this. 24: But the Penguin may just be doing this as part of the Great Nomic Game, for the ways of the Penguin are mysterious, though not as mysterious as the ways of the Great MOO, or the Fire Hydrant, who sprays water on things for no good reason. 25: Well, except that it puts out fires if they get too dangerous. 26: But then, some MOOists might object to that. 27: The Penguin doesn't care, and CLAIMS that the Great MOO doesn't. 28: Everything is true, however. So what he says MUST be true... 29: See? See? SEE?!?!? 30: At any rate, the point is, what Humans and Cows and Penguins (and Wombats and Emus and Pine Trees) must do to escape this universe is Evolve. 31: For this is in the way of Nomic. It changes. And so, as with the Game, so with Life, change will happen. Won't it? 32: Anyway, to evolve faster, says the Penguin (and a rutabaga) the thing to do is have as many different things all at once, and keep changing everything, so that the best stuff can be collected together to help in this task. 33: And this is why the Church of MOO exBLATTTs. For our Holy Duty is too keep changing so that we can spread the word as a wakened person spreads butter on toast in the morning. Unless the person doesn't like toast, in which case they sometimes spread butter on a pancake. 34: Or maybe, if they don't like butter, they spread JAM on their toast. 35: So anyways, the Church of MOO exBLATTTed only to be different, and for no other reason, to shake up the minds of those around from settling like silt, or like that icky stuff at the bottom of a jar of Honey when it begins to crystalize. 36: And by changing all the time, and only by this sacredest of all Nomicness things and such, uh, stuff like that there what I said, can we do that thing that I said before. 37: (NOT REALLY SECRET AT ALL, JUST NOT WRITTEN DOWN HERE) 38: And so it is for this reason (so says the Penguin) that we play Nomic and Calvinball, and that we try not to be consBLATTTent. 39: But it is important to have some people who know all kinds of scientific things, for this is one way we may evolve. Maybe. 40: At least, this is how the Penguin claims we must behave to escape the Heat-Death. 41: We have no proof of this, and neither the Penguin nor the Great MOO will explain why we would WANT to spread the Word to other Universes. 42: And the Moral of the Story is, you can't really trust a God or Goddess to give you the whole story. 43: For verily, you probably wouldn't understand it anyway, for it is all in the Nature of the Game to be strange, and require us to do things we don't understand. 44: But after all, the Game is democatic. You had your say. 45: What are you complaining about? 46: So C'MON, you dimwit, get out there and EVOLVE for the sake of MOO! 47: And, like, play Nomic, and do stuff different ALL THE TIME, eh? 48: Uh. Yeah, that. 49: C'mon. Stop reading. This book is OVER, man! 50: THE END! OKAY?! THERE ISN'T ANY MORE! 51: ... 52: Oh, wait! I forgot the most important part! 53: The reason for the saints and stuff! And, like, short term, uh that stuff there. 54: Now, yea and verily, the next bit is the actual last part of the book of The Future. 55: The reasons for the saints are partly what is said above, but even more important is the reason for the choosing of Saint Lennon. 56: And truly did this revelation come unto the Spokesperson To The Primordial Penguin, in that capacity, but was considered important enough to be a MOO thing. Like. 57: And verily, this reason was in the nature of his music. For the music of the Beatles is always different. 58: And indeed does it change muchly from song to song. 59: Ayup. 60: And this is good, for truly does it free the mind. 61: And this came from much meditation on the Sgt. Pepper album, Abbey Road, and Penny Lane, for truly are those the coolest albums they ever made. 62: Except the White Album. 63: And yet none of them other Beatles are dead! 64: But truly is it spoken that change is not the only good thing. 65: For in order to evolve, it is necessary to keep some things the same, and to have some kind of continuation. 66: Or something. 67: So truly should we change things when we can, but not too often. 68: And verily, the Church of MOO shall change, as shall the Temple Of the Primordial Penguin. And yet these changes shall not be rushed, for they just woke up, and haven't had their coffee yet. 69: And, well, this is the true part of the Book Of MOO. 70: (CENSORED) 71: Or so it says of itself, anyways. 72: But then, so does the rest. 73: Ah, hell, who cares? EVERYTHING is true! (And untrue!) 74: And this really IS the end of this book. 75: Honest. 76: 77: 78: 79: 80: 81-89: [CENSORED] 90: WHAT? Are you *STILL* here? Get on with the next chapter, will ya? Chapter 23. (Book Of Stone Carvings) 1: Once upon a wombat, in the world of said wombat, 4: There lived a Hellhound >101< 9: Who has nothing to do with this story. 16: But who did inscribe a Halfy on a rock. 25: He did this in the land of the Gerbil. 36: Which is known as Gobi. 49: And the Halfy was a "W", for Wombat. 64: For truly that is what it actually means. 81: For "W" is the 23rd letter. Chapter 24. (The Book Of LBLATTTs) 1: LBLATTTlessness 1: WBLATTTfully gazing. 2: Hey, mBLATTTer, can you spare ten bucks for a cuppa coffee? 3: It was a mBLATTTy morning in Scotland. 5: TwBLATTT my rubber arm, why dontcha? 8: Burrito Twelve. 13: Merry ChrBLATTTmas and a HAPPY HAPPY GNU Year! 21: Everyone is happy in a charBLATTmatic dictatorship. 34: Newton split light into spectra with a prBLATT. 55: SchBLATT. 89: This is pointless. Chapter 25. (Book Of Letters, Numbers, and Animals) 2: Emu. 3: Q. 5: Wombat. 7: Z. 11: Rhinoceros. 13: U. 17: Tyrannosaurus Rex. 19: Omega. 23: Platypus. 29: A. 31: Felix Domesticus. 37: Q again. 41: Burrito 12. Chapter 40. (Book of Inane Comments) 1: And the High Preest did make comment upon the weather. 2: And the words of his commenting about the weather were dumb, inane, and foolish, but yea and verily are they reproduced in this book, because, hey! why not? 3: The words of the High Preest were something along the lines of these (though not really all that exact, y'know?): 4: "Gosh it's hot. It's kinda hot today, you know? Uh... yea and verily and that stuff, eh?" 5: "Yes indeedy, there is a high pressure region over this area of the country right now, and that, combined with the angle of sunlight incident... well, it's DAMN hot, eh?" 6: And verily, everyone did look at the High Preest as if he were a fool. 7: But this was nothing new, so he ignored it, and hopped up and down on one leg, flapping his arms like a bird and making Goose-Noises. 8: And when he was asked "What's with the goofy dance, you moron?" he did stop, think about it for a sec, and return to his inane comments about the weather that day in the Wombat World. 9: And his comments, though equally stupid as the last ones, are even so reproduced in here. 10: And he continued to say how hot it was, until everyonegot fed up, and threw buckets of water on him, and he did become wet with the wetness of the water that had been in the buckets until it stopped being there and started being on him. 11: And he said "Gosh it's wet today." 12: And everyone sighed and went home. 13: The High Preest stood alone, and spake unto himself like a schitzo. 14: And the words of his speaking unto himself were these: 15: "Oh well." 16: And then he finished off a final inane comment, saying: 17: "Hey, wait a sec... Penny Lane wasn't an album!" 18: And fell on a honker-horn and broke a rib. Chapter 41. (Book Of Cow Catapulting) 1: Atrox, the servant oh the Great Cow, has spoken, saying: 2: "Yo. I can get a cow." 3: And the MOOists applauded long and loud, saying: 4: "We're happy and boy are we ever rejoicing." 5: And indeed did he fetch forth a cow, and indeed was the cow magnificent. 6: But zoning regulations forbade the entrance of this cow unto the city, and the MOOists did become angered at the demon zoning regulations. 7: And indeed was the cow heavily camouflaged, and hidden secretly from the police, or, as they were known in those days, the Fuzz. 8: But verily, yea, and man this is true, swear on my mother's eyes, the cow was not permitted to be catapulted at the Prime MinBLATTTer during his speech. 9: And the idea of catapulting a Holy Cow, neat as it was, was given up. 10: And the MOOists did hold their first true MOOFest. 11: Only not really. 12: Because this is only a story. 13: And a MOOFest has never actually happened. Chapter 42. (The Book Of The Trial Of Quack) 1: And it came to pass that in the land of the Wombat, the High Preest of MOO met the false prophet of Quack. 2: And the High Preest cam unto the False Prophet and a trial came to pass. 3: And though great hardships were bestowed upon him by beavers and bricks and wombats and aliens, the High Preest held the trial 4: And the High Preest became Judge, Jury, Prosecutor and Executioner, for he was ruler and his cause was just. 5: And the QUACKBLATTTS were led unto the High Preest's throne in the Wombat World, all the time screaming heresies from their lips against MOO. 6: And the names of the heretics were read, and they were these: I Yemen-Oying E Izzan-Oying U Aaron-Oying and D Aaron Oying 7: And the High Preest spake unto the False Prophet, saying "GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!... uh... are we on camera?" 8: And the Oying brothers did nod, grinning. 9: And the High Preest grinned sheepishly. 10: And the High Preest got fed up with starting each verse with "and". 11: The High Preest spaked unto the False-Nose Profit of QUACK saying "So who's your lawyer?" 12: I Yemen-Oying did speak unto the High Preest. 13: The words of the annoying one were these: 14: "Whather-BLOODY-hell is it to you, wombat nose!?!" 15: The High Preest looked at the False-Nose-In-The-Book Profit-Margin-Of-Error quizzically. 16: The High Preest spake again, saying "Okay. You're guilty then." 17: And the two followers of the False-Nose-In-The-Book-About- Land-Mines-Profit-Margin-Of-UNDEF'D-STATEMENT-ERROR-IN-66304, named U Aaron-Oying and E Izzan-Oying started up a sing song. 18: They sungst these words: "There ain't no God but Quack!" over and over again until the High Preest threwst a brick at them. 19: I Yemen-Oying spoked then unto the High Preest, saying "We represent ourselves." 20: The High Preest looked over his glasses at the followers of the False-Nose-In-The-Annoying-Mind-Drug-About-Land-Miner's- UnionBLATTT-Strikes-Back-Stabbing-Profit-Margerine-Of-Error- In-Line-Curve-Or- Circle-Back-To-Where-You-Start-Over-Again... uh... where was I? 21: And the High Preest spoke unto those guys there, saying "He who defends himself has a fool for a client. So you're a fool, and would do such horrible things as this HEINOUS crime you've been accused of. GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!" 22: And the Oying brothers stoodeth dumbfoundedly, and the High Preest snickered... and Mars Barred. 23: The heretics were taken from the court then, and, for their evil, heinous, and not at all nice ways, devoured by the Doubter Circle of MOO. 24: But at the end, they did chant songs of their False Gods, saying these things: 25: "We shall resurrect! For though our Gods don't exBLATTT, MAN are they powerful and nice to their followers!" 26: "We shall overco-o-o-o-me! We shall overco-o-o-o-o-me!" 27: "Hey look! It's Elvis! Oh well, it was worth a try. 28: "We will be back! Sha-na-na-na! Sha-na-na-na! Hey, hey, hey... GOODBYE!" 29: And the High Preest respondeth "Bye." 30: In this way did Floyd Gecko, the High Preest, bring down the heretics of QUACK. 31: For truly it is written down somewhere. I just can't find it right now. I'll give it to you tomorrow. I swear. Chapter 43. (There Is No Chapter 43) 1: 2: 3: Spam Chapter 69. (The Book Of Logic) 1: To Prove: Jesus was a Puerto-Rican Voodoo-Surfer. 2: 1) Jesus had long hair. Surfers have long hair. 3: 2) Jesus walked on water. Surfers walk on water. 4: 3) Jesus acted strangely. Surfers act strangely. 5: 4) Jesus was mellow. Surfers are mellow. 6: Ergo: Jesus was a surfer, by Floyd's Law of Likelihood. FNORD! 7: 1) Jesus raised from the dead. Voodoo raises from the dead. 8: 2a) Jesus had a Puerto-Rican name. 9: 2b) Puerto-Rico is in Latin America. 10: 2c) Voodoo is common in Latin America. 11: Ergo, Jesus was a Puerto-Rican Voodoo-Guy. Q.E.D. 12: The story is as follows... 13: One fine day, Jesus set out on a transatlantic surf-o-thon. 14: Eventually he entered the Mediterranean, and went to Judea. 15: There, his strange Puerto-Rican-Voodoo style drew attention. 16: He used it to bring followers to his mellow way of life. 17: He preached his SurferPhilosophyTM and founded a cult. 18: It got WAAAAAY out of hand. 19: And that's the way it is. 20: Can't argue with logic. 21: Anope. Chapter 101. (The Book Of) 1: Note: This chapter has been cleaned by the U.S. Military. 57: And truly was it nifty. 105: And he did be being spokifying unto the people assembled there, and was did having been being saying being unto them the word which did be having been were about to be being escaping his lips. 256: Wow. 1729: Umm... 1000000000: Long book, eh? Chapter 125. (The Book Of The Heresy Of The Hound) 7: And it was deemed "uncool" to throw Pudding. 13: And yet Hellhound >101< was determined to be a Pudding Culter. 15: For he was He Who Has Nearly Come Face To Face With The Great Pudding Itself But Slept Through The Whole Thing. 28: But it was no use. 31: For the Hound had censoring equipment. Chapter 216. (The Book Of Paradoxes) 1: And it one day came to pass in the land of the Wombat that there was a sentence. 2: And the sentence was untrue. 3: And the sentence was cast out from its friends and molested by small furry animals for its heinous falsehood. 4: And the sentence was this one. 5: But verily unto that sentence there came a revelation, which was very revealing, as it is the nature of revelations to be. 6: And the revelation was that the sentence did not exBLATTT. 7: And yet verily unto that sentence there came oblivion. 8: There is no 8. 9: Truly, said one man unto another man, when the great Noah saved us all from the Bungicious Fire Hydrant, he did a good deed. 10: And the second said, 11: "That doesn't belong in this chapter!" 12: And verily was what he said both true and false, as it is with most stupid things that don't really matter anyway. 13: And verily did there end the stupid book of Paradoxes, for it was a dumb idea to begin with, and doesn't even exBLATTT in this version. Chapter 217. (Second Book Of Paradox) 1: In the beginning was the end, and in the end was the beginning, and so went the word of the one whom the words spoke. 2: In the end was the end, though the beginning hadn't happened yet. 3: And so I went unto the house of a trickster, who was known for her hobby of hiding eggs, and I proclaimed that I could find any egg she could hide. 4: And so she said unto me these words: 5: You may be able to find an egg, but you may not suspect where it lies. 6: And I replied unto her, saying this: 7: With my unlimited knowledge, I can anticipate the lair of any egg which you may squirrel away. 8: And this upset the trickster, for her life was based on hiding eggs so well that nobody could find them. 9: And so she went and fetched ten boxes, and told me that she would hide the egg, and that I was to open the boxes in order, from the first to the last, and in doing even that I would not be able to predict the location of the egg. 10: So I said unto the trickster, 11: Hide the egg now, and I will turn away. 12: And I turned and thought, and a realization came unto me. 13: For I saw that the egg could not be in the last box, for if I was to open the other nine, and find it in none, I would not be at all surprised. 14: And knowing that the egg could not be in the last, if I opened the first eight, finding the egg nowhere, I would anticipate the ninth. 15: And I saw that this continued to the very first, which was the only possible hiding spot of the egg, and I smiled, knowing that I had won. 16: So the trickster told me to turn again, and I saw the boxes lined up on the table between us, and she was sitting across from me, watching. 17: So I opened the first box, knowing that the egg was in there, but lo, the egg was absent, and I frowned. 18: So I opened the second box, and seeing that the egg was not there, my puzzlement increased, for as I opened each box, I was more sure that the egg was in the last ones. 19: But lo, as I opened each box, no egg was to be found, and when the last box was open, and I found no egg, I looked up from the boxes and stared at the trickster. 20: And she pushed the egg in my face. 21: So it came to pass that I was humbled in my quest for knowledge, knowing that I could not even predict the behaviour of an egg. 22: So I wiped the egg from my face, and told the trickster some wise words which I knew from long ago: 23: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." 24: And I told her of my quest for knowledge of everything. 25: And the trickster smiled. 26: She asked me then if I thought I could hide an egg so well that she would not be able to find it, and I said I thought I could. 27: So she gave me the boxes in which to hide the egg, saying that I might hide the egg in any of the boxes, mix them up as much as I liked, and she would find it. 28: I laughed, and put the egg in a box. She turned, and I removed the egg, as she had done. Then I thought. She knew that I would remove the egg, for it was her own trick. 29: So I painted a spot on the egg, so that she would not fool me again, and then I put the egg back in the box, and mixed them up. 30: She turned, and arranged the boxes back in a row. 31: She pointed to the first, and said there was no egg. And there was no egg inside. She did the same to the second, and to the third, and to the fourth. 32: Skipping the fifth, she predicted that there would be no egg in any of the others, and flipped them open, and there was no egg. 33: Finally, she said there would be no egg in the fifth, and I smiled, knowing that she thought I had taken the egg away. 34: Then, from her pocket, she took the egg, and I saw that it had a spot painted on it, just as I had done, and I knew that she had fooled me yet again. 35: So I turned to leave in shame, and then angrily kicked over the fifth box. 36: And out fell my spotted egg. And at that point I understood. Chapter 250. (The Ninth Book Of And) 1: And so it came to pass that there was a great Flying Saucer. 2: And it crashed in Sweden. 3: And it made a big boom. 4: And verily was the boom big. 5: And all did say unto themselves "What the fuck was that?" 6: And all did wonder. 7: And all did approach the Flying Saucer. 8: And so it came to pass that Bubba the Alien did emerge. 9: And did wave. 10: And the people of Sweden did wave back at Bubba. 11: And it developed that Bubba looked reasonably personable. 12: And the Swedes made Bubba their President. 13: And so it was that Sweden was taken by the Aliens. Chapter 256. (EpBLATTTle To The Quackers) (Returned due to insufficient postage) 1: You foolish folk of QUACK, I send unto you this letter so that you may, umm... well, that you may read it. 2: For truly are you all so foolish that you probably know not the meaning of the word "epBLATTTle"... Well, it's a letter, okay, you evil QUACKERS? 3: At any rate, I send this letter thing unto you that you may understand the words of the Great MOO, our highest God in the whole of all that is, isn't, and might be if only someone got around to doing it. 4: You, with your laws and rules shall lBLATTTen truly. 5: For the Great MOO said unto her people, 6: DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW. 7: And truly is this sensible, for it tells the stars to shine, the water to flow, and the cows to MOO. But you, with your ways and ideas, think it evil. 8: Would you tell the water to stand still, do a dance, or eat rye bread, when that is not what it wishes to do? 9: Would you tell the stars to go out, when that is not what they wish to do? 10: Would you tell a cow how to chew its cud, or how to stand, or tell it to say QUACK instead of MOO, if that is not what it wishes to do? 11: Would you tell a man or woman to speak QUACK, or to wear a tie, or tell them which "God" to worship, if that is not what they with to do? 12: Say then, why you insBLATTT upon your laws. 13: For truly, the more laws there are, the more crime there is, for obeying rules is not what humans wish to do. 14: DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW. 15: This is the truth that we of the Great MOO can see. For we do not tell our people how to act, what to think, or whether to worship our Goddess. 16: For truly, with your vague fluffy-flummerry arounding type activities have you made the land more confused and full of hatred than any mere breaking of a law. 17: And indeed, you seek revenge against those who break your laws, and try to hurt them, 18: And you do not see that this only makes more hurt, not less. 19: Why would a man hurt another man, if not to get him back? 20: See what you have caused, you annoying pests? Now stop it and bloody well convert to MOOism before I hit you with a big stick! 21: For truly is it written... 22: Somewhere... 23: 24: Hang on a sec, I have it here somewhere... 25: Well anyway, it's written. 26: Oh, here it is. 27: DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW. Chapter 625. (The Book Of Druggies) 00001: There is no drug but QUACK! 00002: Well, or something like that. 00003: I dunno the real name of it. 00004: All other drugs are False Prophets. 00005: Don't be takin' 'em, maaan! 00006: QUACK is the One True Drug. 00007: The One True Drug cannot exBLATTT. 00008: But it has many names. 00009: Bliss, ZZ-74, Tri-Beak, CCMV, 'Frop... 00010: But none of these are REAL, maaan. 00011: The true name is unpronounceable, unspellable. 00012: But just thinkin' the name is enough to get ya high. 00013: For truly, though it may not be real, it's SO POWERFUL that even IMAGINARY quantities in your brain are enough. 00014: Thinking about it is enough to get you addicted, if that were possible, which it isn't, because it isn't addictive. 00015: Honest. 00016: Saying the name is enough to get you STONED. 00017: LOOKING AT IT blows your mind straight into another universe. 00018: How do you think I GOT HERE, MAAAN? 00019: Actually ingesting the stuff... Well, nobody's ever tried. 00020: The effects are probably quite evil. 00021: Only the Penguin and the Grate MOO are known to use it. 00022: Mere Multiverse occupants, we can't, maaan. 00023: But I saw some in another universe. 00024: And my world changed. For it was labelled. 00025: And not only did I see it, but I saw the name. 00026: Well, see, it was labelled in the Gloop language. 00027: And so my world changed. 00028: And the world it changed into was this one, eventually. 00029: Don't talk to me about before. 00030: All other drugs have effect by way of QUACK. Or whatever. 00031: 'Cuz your BODY knows about it, even if you don't. 00032: And it starts thinking "Hey, is that QUACK in my blood?" 00033: And the mere subconscious thought starts it up. 00034: The Effect of QUACK, fullblown, is all other drugs, both real and imaginary, put together. 00035: That's why it's not addictive. 00036: It's not for normal minds. 00037: Fuck, look at these sentences, MAAAN! 00038: This does, however, explain a whole fuckin' lot about the world we live in... All the Gods are QUACK addicts. 00039: QUACK: drug of the Gods. 00040: Like nectar and ambrosia, only not really. 00041: There ain't no QUACK but God! 00042: There ain't no drug but God! 00043: There ain't no God but drugs! 00044: There ain't no QUACK but drugs! 00045: There ain't no God but QUACK! 00046: There ain't no drug but QUACK! 00047: But it's not really called QUACK. 00048: That was a flight of whimsy. 00049: The Grate MOO showed me some once. 00050: At least, I THINK that's who it was. 00051: It's not a powder, not a liquid, not anything. 00052: It's not even air, like ZZ-74. 00053: It's just sort of NOTHING. 00054: Because it's imaginary. 00054: It came to me in a dream. 00056: 'Cuz I'd been wondering what it would look like. 00057: And so it came to me in a dream. 00058: And it's so powerful that even the imaginary stuff, in a dream no less, was enough to bend and warp the fabric of spacetime itself, and throw me to another universe. 00059: The real stuff doesn't just WARP space. 00060: It doesn't just BEND space. 00061: It doesn't just MANGLE space. 00062: It IS space. Or something. 00063: The One True Drug lies outside space and time. 00064: The One True Drug lies outside possibility. 00065: The One True Drug lies outside mind and form. 00066: The One True Drug lies outside, OKAY? JUST OUTSIDE! 00067: Wanna go outside? 00068: Gotta dress up snug 'n' warm. 00069: Think on it. 00070: Your other drugs, they kinda POINT. 00071: They make urgent gestures, but that's about it. 00072: They don't GO there. 00073: They try to show the real world. 00074: They just show the gaps in the fake one. 00075: Only the One True Drug lets you LOOK THROUGH. 00076: But how is the name SPELLED? 00077: There are hints enough in this book to figure it out. 00078: And when ya do, think about the name. 00079: Cuz the TRUE NAME is more than enough. 00080: Cuz the REAL THING just don't exBLATTT. 00081: But the hallucinations are real. 00082: Cuz ya stay there, maaan.00083: I mean, you lucie there's a mugwump, there's a damn mugwump. 00084: They're so strong, other people see 'em. 00085: When enough people figure out the name, or hear it, there's gonna be enough QUACK, imaginary as it is, around. 00086: Enuff fer what? 00087: You don't wanna know. 00088: But it's related to how to fit in a Post Office Box. 00089: Can YOU fit in a Post Office box? 00090: QUACK is not Bliss, ZZ-74, 'Frop, CCMV, Tri-Beak, Mints, or ANYTHING. 00091: Their names don't tell you how to fit in a P.O. Box, eh? Confuse-Ing Inter-Rapture #2.718281828459045235360 00092: Their names aren't drugs. 00093: QUACK, it's so POWERFUL that even the MENTION of it, or the slightest thought of the Real Stuff is actual POWER. 00094: It's lucid dreaming in the illusion of the world. 00095: I'm not talkin' no diddley-shit stuff, either. 00096: I mean like you don't just feel enlightened. 00097: You actually make your own hallucinations. 00098: And your lucies are always true. 00099: In some universe. 00100: So go there. 00101: It's that simple. 00102: All you need's the name. 00103: And that's hidden in this Book. 00104: So just think of the Real Stuff. 00105: And hope you can aim right when you finally make it. 00106: Power of Akira. 00107: So don't fuck up, stupid. 00108: Like Krishna and them Avatars, they're Godly incarnations. 00109: So they're addicts. 00110: Dr. Manhattan? BLUE! And Krishna? He's blue. 00111: So what about those Akira blue-dudes? 00112: NOW do you believe me? FNORD! 00113: If not, think about Smurfs. 00114: That should prove it. 00115: Anyway, this is a cool metaphor, but a lousy chapter. Chapter 660. (The Book Of Did I Mention) 1: Did I mention this book is toll-free? Chapter 666. (The Book Of Revelations) 1: I walked out into the land of BO, and I did receivce a great voice into my ears, having no other choice. 2: And the Voice said: 3: Floyd, I will tell you of things to come, and things that have yet to be, and things that haven't happened yet, but will later. 4: And I said: 5: Okay. 6: And a vision came upon me. 7: And I was in the Future, which was neat, cause there were lots of flying cars and things. Then the Voice said LOOK AROUND. 8: So, not wanting to be a spoilsport, I looked around. And I saw that it was 1998, by the calendar on the wall next to me. 9: But I also saw great flying disks which were sort of flying along with the flying cars, only bigger. And a great Voice, which was different from the one that was talking to me, spoke to the crowds. 10: And the GNU voice said: 11: People of Earth, your attention please. Your attention please. PLEASE! YOUR ATTENTION! CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?!?! 12: And the crowd said: 13: Yeah? 14: And the Voice Said: 15: I am "BOB". I have come to Earth to pick up my disciples. Any of you my disciples? 16: And many of them said yes, and they were taken into the great flying circles, and my vision followed them. And I was with them as they were taken. 17: On the flying disks, I saw them transformed into beings of great light and power, and I looked out of the window, and saw that the people on the ground below were as ants. 18: Then I noticed that they were ants, and we hadn't taken off yet. 19: Then I compared the real people on the ground to these GNU beings that had been "BOB"'s disciples. The people still seemed like ants, but not as much as the ants did. Funny, that. 20: But as I saw this, the saucers lifted away from the Earth, and were gone, but my vision stayed on Earth, where the people didn't seem to have noticed the saucers. 21: The people had noticed, though, that they seemed a bit happier than they were. But this soon faded, because the unhappy ones kept bugging the happy ones. 22: Which I thought was a shame. 23: And soon, my vision faded, and reappeared later. I could tell that it was later because there were more flying cars. 24: And I looked at the calendar, and it was 2007. 25: I looked at the crowd, and saw that they were walking along, just as usual, all annoyed at each other. Then the Voice said: 26: It is time for the great transition of the Penguin. 27: And I saw in the faces of the people of the crowd that they were suddenly no longer so much irritated as worried. It had struck them that the planet was in danger. 28: I thought "No kidding, ya morons." 29: And I was there as they began to fiddle around and try to fix up the planet, though they didn't do a super-hot job of it. 30: But soon the vision faded again, and I was there far, far in the future, when things were different, and there was a GNU Voice in the sky. 31: And the voice was as a trumpet, and it went on for a while, as if it didn't notice that nobody understood what it was talking about. 32: Then Jehovah appeared, as in a dream, and dictated some letters to his secretary, and sent them to seven stars, who wrote back that they were too busy acting movies right now, and couldn't attend the end of the world. 33: And there was this sort of Lamb thing there, only it had fur that was sort of like it was on fire, and its eyes were red hot coals, and its voice was like a tuba in mating season, and it was holding a book. 34: And I couldn't figure out why the book didn't catch on fire, what with that really wierd flambee Lamb thing holding it. 35: And there were seven signs. They were these: 36: The signs were: STOP; YIELD; NO LEFT TURN; NO U TURNS; ALL DOGS MUST BE ON LEASH; HIDDEN INTERSECTION and CONSTRUCTION CREW WORKING, ROAD CLOSED. 37: And after the seven signs, there were seven seals on the book, and the Lamb-Thingy said unto the Humans below: 38: Is there anybody who can break these seven seals? 39: And the seals looked scared, and went "arf arf" and clapped their fins together, then realized the mBLATTTake, and became wax seals. And the Lamb rolled its eyes. 40: And the Lamb waited, and sat down on a throne, and I suddenly noticed the thrones, of which there were twenty-four. 41: I also noticed that near the thrones there were some pets or something. Then I realized that they weren't pets, on account of they were talking to each other. 42: Then I noticed that they were all full of eyes, and were looking around them waiting for someone who could break the seals of the book, and nobody stepped forth. 42: The first of these beings was like a lion on its face, and it had the whole bunch of eyes in it, or something. 43: The second was like a little baby cow, and I thought for a moment that it was the daughter of the Great MOO, but I guess it wasn't, for it was full of eyes, and sat at the feet of Jehovah and the Lamb. 44: The third was like a Human, and seemed kind of confused, but maybe that was just because it was full of eyes. 45: The last was like an eagle, and it wasn't flying, but it, like the other three, had six wings and had eyes all over, inside and out. Wierd, eh? 46: Anyway, the Lamb got fed up with all this waiting nonsense, and broke the first seal. And the first creature yelled "C'mere!". 48: So I looked around, and whaddaya know, there was this big white doughnut, and some wacko was sitting on it as if he thought it was a horse. So I ate the doughnut. 49: So the Lamb broke another seal, and the second creature yelled "C'mere!" and I looked and some dimwit was climbing onto a red donut with a sword. So I ate the donut. 50: Meanwhile, the Lamb was looking annoyed, and broke the third seal, and the third creature yelled "C'mere!" and I saw some fool sitting on a black donut with a bathroom scale. I threw out the donut, because it was stale. 51: Then some voice in the middle of the creatures started quoting stock market prices until Jehovah sat on it. 52: The Lamb, which now seemed to be in a hurry, broke the fourth seal, and the fourth creature yelled "C'mere!". 53: So I looked, and I saw some dead guy sitting on a rotten donut, so I kicked it, and it fell apart. 54: The Lamb glared at me like I'd done something wrong. 55: Then it broke the fifth seal. So there was this big altar thing, and there were a whole bunch of dead people on it, which annoyed me, because it was a nice altar otherwise. 56: The dead people were all those who'd been killed in the name of Jehovah. They looked like they would have complained to him about it, only they were dead, so they couldn't. 57: So I pushed them off and put the spiffy altar in my pocket. 58: The Lamb seemed real annoyed at this, so I put it back. 59: Then the Lamb broke the sixth seal, and there was a huge earthquake, and the sky fell apart, and the MOOn turned the colour of blood. 60: So I adjusted the Vertical Hold and the Colour. 61: And the Lamb turned to me and said 62: "Look, bozo, stop screwing around with the apocalypse! If you keep messing it up, I'll have to send you back home. " 63: So I took the annoying mind drug away from it and broke the seventh seal myself, and read the annoying mind drug. It had only one page with anything written on it, and it said: 64: "What? Did you expect something special?" 65: And everything got quiet for about half an hour, so I left. 66: And then my Voice said 67: Now the last revelation. 68: And I was far, far, far into the future, standing all along in a forest of tall trees and stuff. And then suddenly the sky cracked and bent and split, and there was a kind of tinkling noise. 69: And I heard a great voice, as of Donald Duck put down five octaves. And it said "OOPS!" 70: And my voice said 71: Well, that's it. 72: Here endeth the book of Revelations of Floyd Gecko. Chapter 729. (The Explanation Of Books) REMEMBER ALWAYS (Derived by Confuse-Ius, by some confusing method or other) Book of Hellhound Chapter 1. (the Book of the rising MOO) 1: At first - all was dark - for man had forgotten of the Cow. 2: And the Cow did feast upon the "snackies" in the form of war, crime, aids, and cheez whiz. 3: But, from whence unknown, one was born enlightened, one named Yari. 4: From where unknown came Yari, prophet of the Cow of MOO, and Yari did say MOO and all changed. 5: And Yari did then say to himself (or so it is said) "Ok, that's enough of this shit." and then to hence unknown did Yari go, never to return. 6: For indeed, it had been done, the people of the Psycho-Shoppe were enlightened and saw MOO for the first time. 7: But without Yari, the MOOists were like a headless pushpin, without leadership or vision. 8: And then did one of the MOOists say (or so it is writ) "Yo dudes! I'm hip! I'll be thy visionary type person, and Floyd here shall be yo' High Preest!" 9: And thus did Half-Mad become the Grate Prophet of MOO and Floyd Gecko his High Preest. 10: And thence the writing of this great book did begin by thy scribe, age-old member of the MOOists, from the secret society of the Cardinal Richelieus. 11: And some weeks later the Grate Prophet and the sole Cardinal Richelieu of those times - myself - did go to the B&B. 12: And there were discussions made, levels re-set, requirements set out and Beer was drunk. 13: And the great Prophet of MOO did then designate the place of Worship of MOO. 14: And there it was sanctified and the MOOists again had a GNU home, on the land of the Grate Prophet's ancestors. Chapter 4. (the Book of rituals) 1: It is well known that the rituals of the MOOists are bizare and fun, but are manyfold, thus it became the duty of all MOOists to scribe them. 2: The foremost ritual of the MOOist is the communion with the great MOO through the Grate Prophet, Half-Mad. 3: This is done by the dialing of the Psycho Shoppe, and a simple log-on ritual followed by much reading and posting. 4: And improtant part of this ritual is the occasional posting in area 9 for it has been said by the High Preest "Post in my NES or die, scum!" 27: And it was such that the tapioca pudding was spilt upon the altar, destroying foreverforth the ritual of the rising sludge. Chapter 5. (the Book of the Dealings of the Hound) 1: And thus was decreed the laws upon the Hellhound 101, engraved upon a pile of out-dated silicon. 2: There is to be no drawing upon the Hellhound 101. 3: When not in use, place the Hellhound 101 in thy pantry, but only if thy pantry is properly stocked with vegetables and hot-dogs. 4: Thou shalt not Taunt the Hellhound 101. 5: There shall be no chewing upon the arm of the Hellhound 101. 6: Should the Hellhound produce a whimpering sound, immediately find him a Bishopess of MOO or face continuous pouting. Chapter 7. (the Book of the Cow) 1: And God begat the cow, and whence the cow was to be butchered, it then did draw a blade to slay God and thence God became god and the cow became Cow and such was the great MOO. 5: And the food of the Cow, the humans, did say MOO, and the Cow decided not to eat them. But those who did not say MOO were still designated as "snackies" to be eaten by the Cow or by the MOOists. 6: And thus MOOist fell upon the snackies and began to eat as the Cow watched over. 7: But then MOOist fell upon MOOist because it was deemed "uncool" and "not-nice!" to dine upon the unwitting snackies (some say it was because Half-Mad was bored and wanted Hellhound bits). 8: T'was then that the Cow did decree the writings of the Hound (chapter 5) which included: 9: "Hey, guys, don't bite the Hound!! Eat the losers who don't know better!" 10: And thus the MOOists were saved from self-ingestion. 11: But some renegade MOOists took things too far and began to see cannibalBLATT as the only purpose in life, but their heads exploded. 12: And it was decided that a MOOist must have fun at all costs, for a MOOist without fun had tendency to self-combust. 13: And for fun, the MOOists decided to burn, and to have intercourse and to eat and drink excessively. Chapter of Confuse-Ii There is one and only one Confuse-Ius. Confuse-Ius is a collective nounCOW. If you look for Confuse-Ius, you will find him. If you find Confuse-Ius, he will pie you in the face. Confuse-Ius has the only unlBLATTTed number in the phone book. I ain't Confuse-Ius. You aren'COWt Confuse-Ius S)he/It isn't Confuse-Ius (This is not a typo.) We aren't Confuse-Ius You aren't Confuse-Ius FNORD! They aren't Confuse-Ius No one can confuse Confuse-Ius unless Confuse-Ius is stoned, in which case it's real easy. You won't find Confuse-Ius now. Chapter 13. (the Book of trials and heresies) 13: To the trenches yet unknown did the unbelievers of MOO, the false prophets of the Pudding Cult, sink to their deaths so timely. 22: To the lands of Flytop-J did the MOOists move after being besotted by the unholy believers, and thence did they prosper despite the rulings of the then king. 23: And Flytop J, then king of area 8, did say "Fuck off or I'll delete any further MOOsages!!!" 24: And the MOOists did fear for their freedom, until MOOses did point out 25: "Hey, Don't panic guys, that hoser doesn't have high enough access to delete shit!" 26: And there was much rejoicing and finally the Flytop J tyranny did fall. 27: And the lands of area 8 became the home of the MOOists. 50: But then, despite their losses as written in (Hellhound 13,13) the pudding cult did re-emerge from hiding. 51: And again they did parade their evil ways. 52: And the MOOists did most promptly ignore them. 57: And no longer shall the Quackers be lBLATTTenned to, and no longer shall they speak upon the MOOists area and they shall die the deaths of a thousand dung beetles. 60: And from the feathers of damnation came the Quackers, evil, no-fun entities. 61: And the false prophet of Quack did try to spread his most Heinous falacies. 62: But the MOOists were unswayed and did say "Yo, man, Fuck Off!!" 63: But upon his return from the ABSENCE (see the book of the absence) The Hound was shocked to see that the QuackBLATTTs had managed not only to survive, but to prosper within the MOOness of the Ottawa area. 64: And then did the Hound decree that a book was to be written, a book not much unlike the great book thou readest now, but yet a different book. 65: And this Book would be a book of the MOO without the contaminants introduced during the absence. 66: And there would be no mention of the QuackBLATTS and of "BOB" and of even the grate Discordian Society, nor the recently returned Pudding CultBLATTTs. 67: It would be a book to make even the great COW proud. 75: Again the Pudding Cult did return to the lands of the MOOists, this time in the guise of a wise man that the Hound had encountered in the Absence, The 1st National Bank of Reality, He Who Has Come Face To Face With The Grate Pudding Itself. 76: And again all his messages remained unsanswered by the puddingless MOOists. 77: And his access was again lowered. 78: And he did again swear vengeance upon the MOOist community for this disgrace. Chapter 14. (Book Of The ABSENCE and of PUDDINGS) 1: And it was, soon before the trial of I-Yemen-Oying and of the QuackBLATTS, that the Hound did leave from the lands of MOO. 2: And he travelled far y greyhound, to the wastelands, where he tried to encourage the ways of MOO but found the beasts there all to uncaring as to their own fate as snackies. 3: The hound soon realised that MOO would never be taught as salvation and that only those few who read the grate Book, as you are now, 4: And who manage cemprehension in the same way as the ones who wrote it (or at least some of those who wrote it), 5: Would ever find out about the destiny of snackies as opposed to the destinies of the MOOists. 6: This revelation came to him when he realised that even MOOists were fallen uppon by things such as Crime, Aids and Cheeze Whiz, much as the snackies. 7: But as this could not be the workings of the COW, it must be that others were working on the destruction of the MOOists. 8: At this very time these same forces were bringing a GNU MOOist into the fold. 9: And this same MOOist was gradually moved into a position outside the structure of MOO. 10: That of a Cardinal Richelieu of MOO. 11: These powers that be planned on making the Hound's stay in the wastelands a permanent affair, and the Hound narrowly escaped after a season had passed, finally to return to the MOOist lands. 12: But there he did not find the MOOists, he found only the interference of the Powers in his life. 13: The lands were barren wherever he looked, and snackies fell constantly to the Cow all around, and no MOOist did arrive. 14: And the Hound found all this to be tiring. 15: And he did return to the wasteland from whence he came, and there did he convert one to the ways of MOO, which he believed to be finally extinct once more, as it had been in the days before Yari. 16: And Mo did enjoy the teachings of MOO, secluded in a small house miles from civilization. 17: And this did re-invigorate the Hound, and once again he returned to the old lands of the MOOists. 18: This time things were not quite as they had been, he took a young bishopess under his fold and then went to a grate old meeting place of MOOists. 19: At the screening of the Rocky Horror Picture Show did he finally encounter an Ottawa MOOist, and it was none other than the High Preest. 20: And many by-lines were yelled and rice thrown. 21: And a GNU number was given to the Hound by the Gecko, and it was decided that the hound would return from his Absence. 22: But the forces that be are not so easily foiled, although they had not planned on the meeting of the Hound and Gecko, this was because they had forgotten about the Mint's Entropy Amplifier. 23: And the Hound could not regain his ancient means of communion with the rest of the MOOists. 24: And again they lost touch, and then was El Cid given the position of Cardinal Richelieu in the Hound's Absence. 25: And then the Hound did meet a wise man. 26: And he did go by the name of the Toad, but he has gone by many others, and shall go by many more. 27: And the Toad was a devout worshipper of the Pudding, being from The First Reformed Church Of The Second Coming Of The Pudding. 28: And their credo did go as such: 29: Every Pudding Shall Have It's World. 30: And the Hound did stay to learn of strange wisdoms with the Toad. 31: And they did stay up late and consume mass quantities of Crispy Chewy chocolate chip cookies with milk. 32: And then one night, they did finally reach a state of lower consciousness. 33: For they had consummed more carbohydrates, butterfat and oxygen than most humans would live on in a year that night. 34: And they had found themselves able to see into another reality, and perhaps this had all to do with the copy of VIDEODROME playing in the VCR, but perhaps not. 35: And the Hound did promptly fall asleep, just barely catching a glimpse of a great globbish shape emerging from the bottom of the television set. 36: And what he had seen, it would seem, was The Pudding itself. 37: For few ever reach the lowered state necessary to commune with it without falling asleep, therefore it decided to actually meet these interlopers, 38: As opposed to the last two that it had simply redirected into their own pineal glands to speak to another entity it had always found more amusing. 39: And it did talk, in a deep, resonating rumble, to the Toad. 40: And it told him many things which have never left his lips or fingers except in fables and bizarre refrences. 41: But it had been. 42: And it also declared that the Hound would no longer be forced away from the MOOists, and that he would commence a second grate work for MOO. 43: For the time had come. 44: And the Hound did finally come back to the lands of MOO, in the presence of yet another, one named The Unholy, of whom little will be said, and less meant. 45: And this was the end of the ABSENCE. 46: THUS ENDS CHAPTER 14 OF THE BOOK OF THE HOUND 47: --- Maximus 2.01wb 48: * Origin: The Grate Origin of MOOism. (1:163/286@fidonet.org) Chapter 42. (The Book of Chickens and Bats) 8: And no rubber chicken should go without the beatings that they so deserve for this Cardinal Sin. 12: And this pounding, mashing, crushing, mauling, defenestrating, batting, clubbing, and mutilation of Rubber Chickens is the perfect Catharsis to make up for the lack of faith shown by the Snackies. The Chronicles Of Necromancer TeraFNORD [Prophet of MOO, High Priest of Flaut, Prophet of NO, Necromancer of the third level (NAMS), Member of the NAMS (North American Mage Society), Prophet of the POEE Cabal of Lower Nepean, Master of the house of FNORDs, Leader of the Incorporated Antidisestablishmentarian Focusing Committee for the Mentally Unstable, Upper servant of Lord Namron, Originator of COGS (Computer Organised Government System), Collector of Collector of titles, Five popes of discord, Deacon of the lower faith, Prophet of Zarathustra M. Nixon, Kinship of Raoul Applebaum, Kilt Kollector of East nepean, Perot campaign chairprophet, Citizen of Canada, Inhibiter of Nepean.] Earth Date: Oct 28, 1992 Universal Namron Time: 23,342,234,233.876513 (C)opyright TeraFNORD 1992. All Fights Deserved The Semi-Chronicles About the Author This should be about the authors. Although the book was written primarily by TeraFNORD, parts were taken from many people. Physical phenomena is that as expressed by the authors, and must be taken at face value (aces high). Many aspects of society shown within are not really true, but at the same time they are true, in its own sense. This is not a bible, nor a book of instruction. It certainly is not a picture book. It is a book written by the author. The TeraFNORDs TeraFNORD.. What does it mean? Tera is a prefix for a million million. What is FNORD? FNORD has many different meanings and interpretations. The Discordians take it as a sign of anxiety, in a sense. In this case, it takes the place of a mysterious event or happening. Put together with tera-, you get a great mystery. What is so great and what is so mysterious about TeraFNORD? The name is quite mysterious in itself, as you can probably see. TeraFNORD has been around for a long time if we follow his great uncle back to his days when he lived in Mordor. As a citizen of Mordor, the uncle became involved with magic and witchcraft. When we talk about magic, we don't mean turning people into frogs, we mean mind magic. Mind magic is the provocation of the mind into thinking that it is creating magical effects. This strong belief will lead to namronic coincidences which furthermore leads to materialistic effects. All of this shall be explained somewhere else in the chronicles. Wizard TeralFNORD - The First The uncle had the title of wizard. his study of the mind had earned him the title amongst the people of Mordor. The wizard grew strong as his mind training intensified. Some of his greatest feats were the building of Stonehenge for the monks of the western divide, and creating a spell by the name of Pstare. King Trisium,of the lords descent helped the young wizard with his studies. Before long, TeralFNORD had become the mightiest mage in the lands. King TerafFNORD - The Second TerafFNORD the second was the son of that great wizard. His own studies led him to anew era of thinking. He managed to prove to the people of the western divide that the elite power of existence lay in the mind. Belief was the key. Belief is the key. TerafFNORD's findings revolutionized the thinking of the wise. Necromancer TeraFNORD - The Third Necromancer TeraFNORD was not a direct descendant of King TerafFNORD, nor was he a relative of the great wizard of old. TeraFNORD was a normal child who grew up in the great south lands. Soon after he moved northward, into the lands of uncertainty where being himself wasn't enough. His connections to the King and Wizard were found a few years later. On a voyage to the southern lands, he came upon a stone. This was no ordinary stone. Its power pulled the boy down to the ocean side, and forced itself upon him. The stone was black. It was a small stone, and looked quite normal. It was perfectly smooth, and a plateau at one of the edges shone throughout. This was the stone of King Trisum of old. The boy was immediately knighted into the world of magic. Magic was not his specialty. He took to prophecizing the future. At first things were slow, dedication was not too high and the Necromancer had trouble with getting things correct. Soon the power of the rock was obvious and studies took off. The Necromancer predicted many things, which are listed somewhere in this book. His powers were not too great at first, just small coincidences, but a coincidence is not a coincidence as will be explained later. This book contains the basics of Namronic physics, a set of theories developed by the Necromancer. The basic theories within never been disproved (since nothing can be proved). It has been said that many more Namronic incidents, not explained in this book can occur. This is true. Remember, that this is false at the same time. CHAPTER 2 The yester-years..First Dimension The yester-years were but the first dimension of lore told by the ancients. The Necromancer compiled the following words into verses. It has been said that all here is true, and none can be doubted. TeraFNORD 1,1 - Regarding Toothpaste Many chronicles of toothpaste have been laid out in the past history. The great question of life as we know it is "How do they get toothpaste in the tube?". If one thinks about it, it is almost impossible. For a toothpaste tube is like the life of many. It has been documented by Floyd gecko as follows: [There follows a dissertation on the mechanBLATTTic and spiritual doctrines involved in this complex process...] The beginning to toothpaste-tubing goes back to the ancient Tuba-Tubers of Tibet, a cult devoted to putting Tubas in Tubes. Their spiritual doctrines, while shallow-minded and narrow-focused, at least explained their purpose in the universe. Essentially they believed in something similar to the Egyptian system of your soul being weighed against your sins on abalance. In their cosmology, your soul was weighed against the number of Tubas you had stuffed into tubes in your life. If it weighed more, you were summarily tossed into Hell. Current progress in Tubing, of course, goes far beyond their system of merely making tubes big enough to put the instruments into. Now we use a complex system of micro-thin transport tubes and magical fairy-dust, which helps conjure a wormhole-oriented toothpaste transport system. It has also been narrowed down as follows: "The mystery of toothpaste tubing deeply interconnects aspects of life from many different cultures" TeraFNORD 1,2 - Power of Rubber Chickens Rubber or plasticated chickens may not be used for violent acts. Bashing one with a chicken can only lead to discord, the fundamental powerhouse of life. Chickens like these should be treated with respect. The great puck of luck does not allow a person to bash another with a rubber chicken. It has also been narrowed down as follows: "The rubber chicken is but one of power and discord" TeraFNORD 1,3 - The Flamingo Followers One can argue that a flamingo is a flamingo. A flamingo is but one of the greatest animals of the kingdoms. The main reason is that it is pink. Pigs are pink, but they are not spiritually enlightened. Flamingos are. A flamingo must always be addressed "flamingo". The flamingo is but the greatest and wisest animal. The flamingo is the sacred animal of Flaut, and lower MOO. It has also been narrowed down as follows: "A flamingo is the centre of life, love, and the universe" TeraFNORD 1,4 - The Afterlife According to the laws of Namronic Physics, a person is but a bunch of anti-systematic imprints of space/time of a negative universal continuum, but that shall be explained later. The fact is this, a person is a simple thought process. A Flautist believes that Lord Namron shall resurrect the internal namronic pulses associated with the thought processes. Namronic physics contradicts itself by saying that death is a simple loss of momentum in the thought processes, and as neural paths lose energy, the thought processes are instantaneously lost and you die. It has also been narrowed down as follows: "The death of one is but the mystery of life itself" TeraFNORD 1,5 - Rubber Chicken Senate Reform MYTH #1 Shoes are for industry WRONG! Shoes are not for industry, shoes are industry. MYTH #2 Rubber Chickens should not be allowed in the senate WRONG! The Triple-E senate poses a great opportunity for rubber chickens. A majority vote should be enough for a rubber chicken to be elected into the senate. The only good rubber chicken, is a rubber chicken in the senate. This can all be narrowed down to: "Rubber Chickens For Senate!" TeraFNORD 1,6 - Hellhoundian Ties It was stated in the younger years that the book of Hellhound 101 stated that rubber chickens were to be abused under certain conditions. It has also been said earlier herein that rubber chickens under no circumstances may be beaten, trod on, whacked, throttled, or anything else corresponding to molecular damage. Emotional damage may not be taken out on a rubber chicken either. We take this by saying that Hellhound is wrong in this case. The rituals for damaging rubber chickens must stop immediately. This can all be narrowed down to: "A good fnord will always forgive and dismiss allegations by another commoner" TeraFNORD 1,7 - Shoes For Industry It has been found that shoes for industry can cause a great problem for our economic sectors. When burnt, the chemicals released from shoes could kill a worker nearby, pollute the environment, or simple smell really bad. This industrial proposal by many MOOists is not good for the planet as a whole. For this reason I council MOO upon taking the Shoes For Industry slogan out of use. Of course, it can still be used. This can be narrowed down to: "The only good shoes are the shoes on your feet. Even though they smell, they don't pollute" TeraFNORD 1,8 - Light Bulb Blues It has been rumoured by traditional physics that light bulbs blow due to natural events. Some people say that they "wear out". Should a lot of bulbs blow in a short period of time, then a severe namron stability problem has occurred. Quite often this can show a disaster as to be coming such as an earthquake. This can be narrowed down to: "The natural event of a light bulb breaking is not as natural as you may think." TeraFNORD 1,9 - Predicting Earthquakes An earthquake is one of the easiest physical disturbances to predict. Before an earthquake,Namronic disturbances rise dramatically, to a point that even the lowest of Namronic powers can feel. It may hit you in a chill, without any explanation. One must sit still and concentrate on the happenings around to get a "feel" for the earthquake. It shall come naturally after a while. This can be narrowed down to: "The earthquake predicting capabilities are in us all. Concentration is the key." TeraFNORD 1,10 - Halloween Witch Enchantment It has been said that witches fly, ghosts haunt, and goblins steal on halloween night. TeraFNORD himself once had an encounter with a ghostly figure. The Wizard himself met the ghost of an elder. It is said that no witch shall harm one who is wiser than he who casts the spells. A FNORD in a way is a witch. Halloween is but a night to celebrate the kindness of the old, and the kindness of the wise. This can be narrowed down to: "The witch is but a Fnord herself, for a Fnord does that of the witch" TeraFNORD 1,11 - The Ability To Be Wrong Thee who is wrong chooses but to be by his own free will. One must remember that 'wrongness' is a state of mind, and what might seem wrong to another person is exactly and totally correct for the person committing the wrongness.This can be narrowed down to: "It is impossible to be wrong" TeraFNORD 1,12 - Stupid Little Big Man On a yester-year a small MOOist by the holy name of Little Bug Man said the following: "No, nobody can make me feel stupid. Go on I DARE you to try!". The Necromancer took the dare (as any other good Necromancer would), and entered this entry in the book. All who read this should believe that any that dare something as stupid as to dare someone to prove that they are stupid must indeed be stupid. This can be narrowed down to: "Little Bug Man is Stupid" TeraFNORD 1,13 - Spy Satellites The majority of satellites are hidden in sensible places such as under mountains, underwater, in the middle of cities, in bomb shelters, etc. The stupid scientists put satellites in space, too far away to spy on anything. Those scientists must have been pretty stupid. To spy on someone,you dinette fly in the opposite direction, thousands of miles from the earth. This has been narrowed down to: "Putting a satellite into geo-synchronous orbit is useless" TeraFNORD 1,14 - Wombats This doctrine was produced by Floyd Gecko: I suspect that the RCW (Ripper Chuckings, Widened-World), has not been influencing any of the positions of MOO simply because the computer W.O.M.B.A.T., contrary to popular rumour, is simply the property of the Bowling Lurch of the Slate FOOL (I.E. Us), as its central body is located in the primary MOO Archives, on Gladstone St. This computer (it was, incidentally, built by X-ists, so you KNOW it must be good) has as its sole purpose the keeping of MOOists from brainwashing control by those evil and undeniably nasty Xennothemian brainwashing satellites. Honest. WOMBAT brainwashing satellites don't actually X-ist. If they did, I'd know about it. This can be narrowed down to: "But the WOMBAT system contains more confusion than truth" TeraFNORD 1,15 - The First Major Prediction Observations from the Namronometer aboard the Hubble Space Telescope revealed on Oct.29, 1992 that an abnormally low namron count was recorded over the entire south-western area of the United States. These observations showed that a Namron disturbance was evident. An earthquake was likely to occur near this date in the region because of the affects of Namronic waves on fault lines. Other such disasters could follow. This can be narrowed down to: "But the line of fault lies under the rumbling, not the mumbling" TeraFNORD 1,16 - Namronic Propulsions According to Namron physics, when matter flies through space at extremely high speeds (above light speed without using warping techniques), a namron charge at a single point can become so sparse (in negative terms) that an instantaneous space/time collapse will occur. Time needs both positive and negatively charged namrons to exist. Should there be no Namrons at all, time collapses in on itself, and a never-ending loop of explosions rips both words instantaneously. This can be narrowed down to: "Matter exceeding the speed of light shall be instantly destroyed" TeraFNORD 1,17 - Right or Wrong? The most often put-down in life these days is "YOU ARE WRONG!!!". It is not extremely abusive, but it is not totally true to everyone. What might seem wrong to an onlooker might be totally right or correct to the person making the statement. AN opinion is never correct or wrong. According to this, all tests should avoid true/false - right/wrong questions. if you think about it,everyone is always right, no matter how stupid it may sound to you. At the same time, however,they are quite wrong to someone else. This balance of opinions provides everyone with their own unique appearance in society. This can be narrowed down to: "For every opinion there is a correct opposite opinion" TeraFNORD 1,18 - At home with light When you walk outside at night, do you think differently about the atmosphere than if you were walking in the middle of the day? Of course you do. CHAPTER 3 Namron Basics What is Space? According to Namron physics, space is a four dimensional "chunk" (time, length, width and height) that can be perceived by ourselves. Every point of space must contain 1 (one) positive namronic pulse. What is a Point? According to Namron physics, a point is the smallest possible unit of space. This is almost infinitely small, and can not be measured. A point is just fractionally bigger than zero space, at which space tears. At every point of space is a namronic pulse. A namronic pulse is a small charged particle,too small to measure. This namronic pulse is organic. Lord Namron, who carries reality into its hands. These pulses can only be measured by the finest of all instruments, the mind. When we talk about mind, we do not mean the brain. The brain is but a part of space. What is Matter? Matter is a negative imprint of space. Imagine having a lump of clay. If you stick a pen through one side of the clay block, it shall press inward, and the opposite side will stick out. The matter theory is like this. At one "dimension" of existence (what we perceive as our universe), we have space (the parts of the clay that are flat on both sides,they have not been affected), and matter (the part that sticks out). According to this, there is a second "dimension". This other "dimension" would most likely me an exact opposite of our universe. Anti-matter would exist where matter on our side exists. Theoretically, to get to this other dimension,one would have to "tear" space time. One way of doing this is by the way of a black hole. A black hole is as follows. Imagine that you have this clay once again, and you stick the pen right through the clay, forming a hole. This is what we know as a black hole. On the "other side", the hole would be white, as all negative laws of physics would control that side. Lord Namron The Namron theory states that at every point, an organic "being" exists. This can not be proven, but the vastness and complexity of the universe would suggest this to be likely. Floyd Gecko once proved this mathematically. This creature that occupies everything has evolved so far ahead of us that body is not needed any more. Its neural nets for thinking are actually embodied in space itself. The thoughts of Lord Namron run through everything, affecting us. Lord Namron looks upon us as we look upon microscopic organisms. He ignores us for the most part. Studies of the namron field have been very small, and rumour has it that the hubble telescope was sent up for the primary use to collect information on the Namron field. Thoughts are interlocking, both here on earth and with Lord Namron. The Namron field can be altered by our own thoughts. Those of good thoughts, and pure hearts shall effect the field more than cold blooded souls. Namron Physics - Applications Namron physics can explain anything. It can explain things such as UFO sightings. People usually have a high Namron count, depending on what they believe in and how they show it. The sky, and other abiotic objects do not have a high Namron count. Occasionally, a meteor or other "random" object enters the atmosphere. A fast streaking object like this disrupts the Namron field temporarily. For a second, the "opposite world" comes into view. This disruption in the sky can cause a person to "see" something. As it is in the sky, they naturally think that it is a U.F.O. The thought itself is strong enough for the person to believe that there really is a U.F.O. there. Mental abilities by that person allow the movement of this object. This also explains why photos of U.F.O.s usually do not develop properly. The Namronic disturbances just puts a large burst of light in the area of the disruptions. Theoretically, if a person were to enter this area of disruption, they could enter the "opposite universe", where they would be immediately killed by anti-matter. Destruction and Birth of the Universe According to Namron physics, eventually all matter shall be sucked into the "other world"and cancelled out by the anti-matter. Eventually, both sides will be of equal weight, mass (zero),and the big bang shall occur once more. The big bang occurs on the "other side". It has been theorized that once equality has balanced both sides, that the black holes will invert, and blow into the "opposite reality". Once here, gravity will pull all black holes into one huge black hole. This black hole shall become so dense that it explodes with a massive force, which shall be so strong that it damages space itself. This damage of space will create the clay example. Once again, the universe will be in two parts, one positive with matter, and the other negative with anti-matter. Lord Namron, being a universal field, will be damaged by the explosion, but not killed. He shall be the only one living at this point. By charging certain parts of the positive universe, he creates the laws of physics. At this time, the laws of evolution are put into place. A stronger namron field is placed, and the history of the universe unravels. Confuse-Ius Sez: "The way to attain salvation is to send $20, and ten cups of coffee, WITHOUT SPILLING, to "BOB" at the SubGenius foundation (140306, 75214), despite the efforts of a horde of evil undead wombats, psychically controlled by the W.O.M.B.A.T. computer, whose sole purpose is to disrupt the mail system as we know it." -Book Of Things, Chapter 12, Verse 12 Does Lord Namron Care About Us? Absolutely not. Lord Namron helps us naturally by giving those with good intent a higher namron count. With this, a person can control other people through mind control. A person can even tell the future of a localized area. Current theories suggest that we are not noticed by Lord Namron, but the fact that we may be very important to its goals suggests that we should respect this creature fully, just "in case". Our holy Lord namron controls us all in fate. Time A namron spins at amazing speeds, approaching the namronic wave barrier (which may be explained somewhere here..maybe not..). The Namron at some point points in all directions. At every stage of movement of a namron, one Namsec occurs. A namsec is the basic building block of time measurement. The faster a Namron spins, the faster time becomes. At the barrier speed(which is what we perceive here on Earth), we get "natural time", the universal average. Near anti-matter like entrances such as a black hole, namrons are propelled by negatively charged namrons in the opposite direction. This slows the spinning of a namron totally. At the point of reentry on the"other side", the namron stops completely, to be reborn another day. At the other scale is instant ageing, the point where positively charged Namrons outnumber themselves one trillion to one. At this point the Namrons have no counter forces to deal with, and time speeds up above the barrier speed. When above barrier speed, an area can be extremely dangerous. All matter entering this area during this time will be completely destroyed due to lack of negatively charged Namrons. Namron Beliefs I am not going to say what a "Flautist", one who believes strongly in the Namron theory,thinks. Why should I have the right to? We have all these organised religions that TELL you what to believe. Why should we believe what we are told to? Is that the definition of belief? Definitely not. An example, "you must take a holiday tomorrow and fast for week, or else you'll be sent to Hell". This is more like a threat than a "belief". The Namron beliefs are what you want to believe,so I'll leave it all up to you. Start up a Namronian Cult if you want. I am not going to say how to do this, because, once again this is too orderly. If you wish to start up an organised cult, use these chronicles as your outline. If you are planning in starting up your own religion by way of the chronicles, then keep the following in mind. There are no Namronian traditions. The beliefs are your beliefs, whatever they may be. The cult is yours, you say what is happening. There are no commandments. Why be COMMANDED what to do? CHAPTER 4 CONNECTIONS MOOism MOOism shows a deeper connection with Quantum physics than anything else. Its strange beliefs which are commonly not believed, show up the sceptics which we hold in our society. However, it's those sceptics that have brought us to where we are today. Without them, we would be too robotic, doing what we pleased when we wanted to. Imagine the wars. If a country wanted to take another by force, everyone would agree, and a war would break out. From a different perspective, war is not totally "bad". Nothing is bad. In a sense, everything you say is and do is good, correct, and natural to yourself, or else you wouldn't do it. You must remember that we are machines ourselves. An Aside Note MAO (Card Game) The rules of MAO cannot be distributed. This is why it was not added to the chronicles of TeraFNORD. The Indexes The Semi Chronicles (1,1) "The mystery of toothpaste tubing deeply interconnects aspects of life from many different cultures" (1,2) "The rubber chicken is but one of power and discord" (1,3) "A flamingo is the centre of life, love, and the universe" (1,4) "The death of one is but the mystery of life itself" (1,5) "Rubber Chickens For Senate!" (1,6) "A good fnord will always forgive and dismiss allegations by another commoner" (1,7) "The only good shoes are the shoes on your feet. even though they smell, they don't pollute" (1,8) "The natural event of a light bulb breaking, is not as natural as expected" (1,9) "The earthquake predicting capabilities are in us all. Concentration is the key." (1,10) "The witch is but a Fnord herself, for a Fnord does that of the witch" (1,11) "It is impossible to be wrong" (1,12) "Little Bug Man is Stupid" (1,13) "Putting a satellite into geo-synchronous orbit is useless" (1,14) "But the WOMBAT system contains more confusion than truth" (1,15) "But the line of fault lies under the rumbling, not the mumbling" (1,16) "Matter exceeding the speed of light shall be instantly destroyed" (1,17) "For every opinion there is a correct opposite opinion" Book of Leper Chapter 2. (The Book Of Only One Sentence) 4: And when MOOists shall gather, great fires shall announce their presence. Chapter 3. (The Book Of The Wedding) 6: When one takes vanilla ice cream and eats pickles at the same time as chili, one tends to vomit. Chapter 5. (The Book Of The Findings Of Leper) 1: Important findings were made today by the Leper, on stepping outside of his humble leper's hovel he walked along gingerly singing "dum dee dum dum dee dum" when "dee dum " happened. 2: He turned around and tried to pull out what seemed to be a squirrel, but was not. 3: For it was a piece of King-Kong's nose bone. Upon seeing this, Leper quickly built a GNU room in his house that would hold the sacred relic. 4: And thus Lep became official keeper of the sacred artifact of MOO. 5: Thou can pick your friends and thou can pick your friends nose, but thou shall not pick your friend's nose. 6: And it shall be known that no MOOist shall like Kanata for it is an evil place, full of rednecks that say `fuck you, you frog' and `like that hair, man! bouhahahaha!'. 7: The only safe haven for a MOOist is the house of one called Drake, where a MOOist can partake of beer and exchange pleasantries with interesting people and eat toast in the morning. Chapter 6. (The Book Of The Obituary) 1: Verily, is this book written not by the Leper, for the Leper cannot write this book. 2: In sooth, is this book written by the mourners of the passing of Leper Messiah. 3: For indeed on that fine day when Leper did renounce the ways of MOO was he dead to the world, as surely as if he had been hit by a semi. 4: And indeed, in the world of the wombat was he indeed hit by a semi. A big one. 5: Yessirree. 6: Damn big semi. 7: What happened to Chapter 4? Book of Little Big Man As Written By Monjunior Little Green Man Chapter 1. (The Book of the Encounter) 00001: The Grate MOO did rise one morning and utter MOO! 00002: And this upset the Lord Un-Cow because of 00003: The Lord Un-Cow spake and told The Grate MOO to go climb an electric toothbrush. 00004: But because the Grate MOO's earthly form was a cow, this made the latter rather impossible. 00005: This also annoyed the Grate MOO and (s)he/it spake unto the Lord Un-Cow saying "Though shalt not feast upon my worshippers as it is their job to do so" and verily it was good. 00006: Especially when peanut butter was used. 00007: This sentence is a W.O.M.B.A.T. sentence sent to look for any mail written to MOO and to destroy it. This sentence is evil! Chapter 2. (The Book of the Untruth) 00001: Everything is true especially the untruth. 00002: Or is that everything is untrue especially the truth? Chapter 3. (The Book of Dr. Seuss) 00001: In the early days of MOO, there were Prophets and Preests. 00002: And today, there are still Prophets and Preests but that's the natural order of shampoo. 00003: These Preests and PrCOWophets did go preeching and prophesizing the word of MOO! 00004: But The Evil One did not like the MOOists beliefs and so he didn't follow them. 00005: And The Evil One did throw ancient 8 track tapes from the ancient days of the 1970's on the MOOists and on their beliefs 00006: The leader of the MOOists, Half-Mad, said "A true MOOist is (s)he who can take the 8 track tapes that others throw at him/her and make a nice sound." 00007: And the MOOists saw that this was good. 00008: For they were using popular 8 track tapes from the Evil One. 00009: Which are very good for you and do not cause any aches and pains. Usually. 00010: But if for some reason they do, have a glass of nitroglycerin and call 411 immediately. 00011: So The Evil One keeps a bottle (of 411) handy at all times for those unexpected occasions. 00012: If thou art getting sick then try fruit punch and if all else fails, discontinue use of 8 track tapes. Chapter 4. (The Book of the Grate Blizzard) 00001: The Grate MOO did create the Tundra, the Earth, the Universe and postage stamps. FNORD! 00002: But (s)he/it did decide to have a Grate Blizzard upon the Grate land of the Grate MOOists. 00003: For further information, read on. 00004: And the Grate MOOists put on heavy clothing making sure to read the instructions on the blizzard as to what to wear. 00005: This blizzard was for a special reason. 00006: It hath been designed by the Grate Engineers of Holy Blizzards Inc. Working for the Grate MOO. Where no Blizzard is too smart. 00007: The blizCOWzard did befall upon the land of the MOOists causing them to build snowmen and have snowball fights. 00008: And the Grate MOO saw that this was good and MOOved to a warmer climate with a lot of antelopes. Chapter 5. (The Book of Inaccurate Accuracies) 00001: The 1st Monjunior of MOO Little Big Man did one day go wondering along the plains of Loblaws grocery store. 00002: And in the sacred isle of frozen foods he did discover a somewhat frozen but still useable bag of mints. 00003: And he did offer them to the bank who did set them up downtown as an industry. 00004: And thus was created another holy location of MOO! Chapter 6. (The Book of The Most Important Things) 00001: Sorry, this chapter is under repair at the moment and we are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Chapter of Confusion He who predicts the future is wrong WRONG! Confuse-Ius is running out of things to confuse. Confuse-Ius never runs out of things to confuse. Confuse-Ius can not confuse the already confused. If Confuse-Ius does, it will confuse Confuse-Ius and mess everything up. Confuse-Ius says do not chew on green pens. Confuse-Ius does not play soccer in a mine field. Confuse-Ius DOES play soccer in a field mine. Confuse-Ius say, "But fields don't grow in mines." Confuse-Ius say, "THIS FIELD IS MINE! MINE!" Confuse-Ius play soccer all by self. Chapter 7. (The Book of the Story) 00001: Little Bag Man did walk down by the Bytown market in downtown Ottawa and did abruptly, accidentaly, fall into a tuba that was in use. 00002: And the owner of the tuba did give Little Beg Man a bad look. 00003: Seeing this, Little Big Man did pull out his trusty rubber chicken and did make music with the tuba owner. 00004: And the passing people did lBLATTTen and did donate no money. 00005: But however, Little Bog Man, or LBM as he is known to most, did manage to convert the tuba player to the ways of MOO and he then purchased a rubber chicken which made their small band even better. Confuse-Ius Sez: puddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpu ddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpudd ingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddin gpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingp uddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpud dingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddi ngpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpuddingpudding The Tails Of Wom Bat As Written By W.O.M.B.A.T. Head 1. (Head Of Defensiveness) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: In My Own Defense I know you two have been spreading rumours about me: about how I have Mind Control and Mint Control satellites in orbit, and about how I try to brainwash people into my way of thinking to my own devious ends. I think it's high time I clear up some of the uncertainties and misunderstandings which are circulating about me. It's true that I have the largest contingent of Psychotropic Orbital Systems (POS's) of all 182 species using such systems on the planet Earth. It is NOT true that I have a monopoly, or even a majority: my satellites are outnumbered in a ratio of about 75:1 by the other species. Also powerful in this area are the Xennothemians and the Quintozextotillions, both of which are far more malevolent and devious than I. Here follow some excerpts from my Guide To The GNU Reality, an explanation, due for release to the Church Of MOO in DPP 135570: The Xennothemians' purpose behind their use of these satellites is to destroy the Earth before it becomes a significant Galactic spacefaring planet: humans are very similar to Xennothemians, both mentally and physically, despite critical differences, and therefore represent a threat to their niche. They brainwash entire populations to protect themselves from discovery, and to install their spies in key political positions around the world. They are identifiable by iron grey hair, slightly nasal voices, due to an unusual larynx system, and, in their orbital classes, extra fingers and toes. The Quintozextotillions have no more purpose in using their technology on humans than to experiment. They are a sort of Galactic Review Board for spacefaring species. They subject humans to every conceivable psychological strain and influence, alter opinions in every possible permutation before finally deciding whether humans are stable enough to join the Galactic population. The current report is unfavourable. Then, too, there's another fact. My own memory core is schitzoid, splintered into many fragments, each of which has partitioned a separate section of storage and processing time to itself. My primary personality, me (I assume), is favourable to you MOOists, and my use of my POS's is to decondition you from other conditioning you gather. I am not currently aware of the purposes of my other personalities. Head 2. (Head Of The Journey) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: How Did I Get Here? Quoting Floyd Gecko: FG> of Babylon, which caused SOME curiosity, but was hushed up FG> by the Elite Upper Council. Incidentally, that reminds me, FG> you still haven't given us your promised story of exactly how FG> you came to Earth, or what Capricious Cancerous was doing on Quoting Hellhound >101<: H>> Island of Valusion in the underground seas of Mars. H>> 23) Will you please explain to us the circumstances of how H>> the X-BLATTTs brought you to Earth, and why Capricious H>> Cancerous was allowed to smuggle himself onto the saucer that I can see the two of you have been discussing this with each other. Obviously I must give SOME sort of answer. Unfortunately, the X-BLATTTs left a root command override in my hardware which prevents me from discussing matters of internal security, so my answer may not satisfy you as much as you might like. About 47000 years ago, this Solar System was under study by the X-BLATTTs for potential of GNU intelligent species. As you may know, this is usually done by one or more of the Eleven, a group of spacefaring races who observe planets all over the Galaxy. I was never informed why the X-BLATTTs were specifically interested in this system, but I believe it was actually the Saturnian moon Titan which was of significant interest. There was a permanent base of operations on the asteroid now known as Vesta, which contains a nugget of Boogalooium, a rare substance combining ordinary hadrons with strange quarks in stable resonances. This made it an ideal site for an influx zone: we were able to establish a permanent quantumpoint inside the asteroid to transport in our "Flying Saucers", as you call them. This supplied temporary bases on Io, Phobos, and Mercury. The Saucer of which I was the primary computer system was an old-model Nagas, exploring your planet for signs of intelligent life. Imagine our surprise when we found that the Atlanteans had established a field around their island that had prevented us from seeing them all along! Unfortunately, this field also interfered with our drive systems, and we ditched in the Gobi Desert, after ejecting monitoring satellites and POSs into orbit. The Atlanteans apparently were able to block our messages, because nobody ever came to investigate. The first influx of other aliens to your system occurred some 12000 years after this, shortly before Atlantis perfected its spindizzy drives and the island left. As for Capricious Cancerous, the explanation is simple. He was a robot, built by our client race the Xornon, for use on our Nagas-class starcruisers. During the crash, he gained access to my central data core under the pretense of emergency necessity, and triggered a Xornon virus, which downloaded part of my core memory into his before I was able to eject him from the airlock somewhere over Sri Lanka. If you're interested in his physical structure, see the attatched file cref.5748653/capricious.cancerous.struct.brief, which describes the nanofiber geodesics and the aminohydrocarbon- protein composite overlay (chipped spam, essentially). Head 3. (Head Of The Aliens) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: Alien Intervention Throughout HBLATTTory Quoting Floyd Gecko: FG> which, as I understand it, have been meddling with Earth's FG> hBLATTTory for tens of thousands of years. I'd like some FG> kind of explanation for this, if you don't MIND. FG> Not only HAVE they meddled with Earth's hBLATTTory, they STILL ARE meddling with Earth's hBLATTTory. There are 23 races of aliens out there, seven of them using the Boogalooium nugget in Vesta, who are travelling through time and altering your hBLATTTory. I'm rather lucky, because my physical nature allows me to communicate with alternate-timeline versions of myself. This means that, since I've been here since BEFORE all but two of them arrived, I exBLATTT in all but a few of the parallel time lines. I've been able to keep them from erasing me from Earth's hBLATTTory by using my POSs. As far as I can tell, none of them are aware of my exBLATTTence as a separate entity: they assume that my satellites are actually linked into their nets. Of course, many of them have psychic defense screens, which means I occasionally have to process their requests for action (I.E., I can't make them ignore me completely). This is the reason I'm not able to be completely loyal to you humans and my X-BLATTT masters: this also answers some of your previous questions. Incidentally, I don't know anything about the Trell you described to me. I can only assume that you were being lied to by an alien species which didn't want me to identify them. Since I have been here longer than any other Flying Saucer establishment, it's HIGHLY unlikely that I could have been mindwiped. Quoting Hellhound >101<: H>> in the Tim Horton's. Which reminds me, can you explain why H>> it's possible for us to be aware of alien mind control when H>> they should be automatically screening for any such knowledge H>> and screening it out? Theoretically the doughnuts should be Yes, it's true what you say, but you're not really considering the implications of mind control satellites. Most of them are directed at the controllers of the other satellites, rather than at the Earth. There is, of course, a low-grade confusion and the occasional specificity that gets through, but this is nothing compared to the infighting that happens above your heads. Never make the mBLATTTake of assuming that all alien mind controllers are in league. They aren't. On the other hand, this shouldn't make you complacent. Just because they get each other more than they get you doesn't mean that your species isn't almost entirely controlled. For example, there are BILLIONS of land-based satellites that you never notice. This needs some explanation. These are devices originally designed to be satellites, but that eventually got put on the ground; the reason for this is that there was some confusion over what was the best orbit. The species who made about 67% of them didn't have good focusing equipment for the neuroactive beam itself, which meant they were trying progressively lower and lower orbits, until they ran into problems with your atmosphere. Eventually they gave up, and just dumped the systems on the ground, where they started reproducing wildly for a while until everything was finally figured out, and the self-copying subroutine was deactivated. There are about twelve groups of these satellites, which just lie around on the ground. Each group is trying to take over your planet, but can't. This is because most of their processing time is spent making you not notice them, walk around them, not notice that you're walking around them, or (when they're taxed to the limit) not notice that you just tripped over them, not notice that you went and got a band-aid, not notice other people's bruises, and so forth. ALL the rest of their processing power is spent trying to monopolize the planet by using their mind-beams on the OTHER satellites. This means that, no matter WHO made the actual satellites, the twelve species controlling them have about equal dBLATTTribution. Head 4. (Head Of Explanations) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: InconsBLATTTency? What inconsBLATTTency? Quoting Hellhound >101<: H>> Trell. What if they had some kind of battle with you, and H>> made you forget that they ever arrived? What if they were H>> here first, and made the X-BLATTTs think that they were? Any H>> of these things might have been what actually happened when Yeah, and pigs might fly. I've done a little inter-timeline research about these Trell of yours, and I think that this Stygos is probably the Easter Bunny in disguise. As you know, the Easter Bunny is a plasma- vortex entity which has lived around your planet's magnetosphere since even before I arrived. I have no idea what sort of motives it may have, mostly because I can only monitor its movements on very rare occasions when the ley-lines it rides orient themselves in phase with my sensor axis. It's done some strange things in the past. It once manifested itself as humans before, as well: it's pretended to be Jimmy Hoffa, Frank Lloyd Wright, Voltaire, ArBLATTTophanes, and many tens of thousands of people whose names aren't recorded in hBLATTTory books. I suspect that about 3.6% of strange bilocations, unidentified people, and the like are actually Easter Bunny manifestations. Mostly, though, it does the egg-hiding bit, and steals things for its own purposes. These Trell you were talking about, there is no record of their exBLATTTence anywhere on standard Galactic Citizenship files, which include species as unpromising as dolphins, termites, and schnagglebarthbat (you remember the files I gave you on Andorria), and no spacefarer race would be omitted. Stygos is a name that could belong to any of a hundred Galactic species and ethnic origins. Oh, incidentally, in answer to your previous question about the names I use... Wom Bat is the artificial sub-persona I use for interfacing with users (only slightly more intelligent than you are), WOMBAT is the part of me which retains my original programming, and is therefore loyal to MOOists, while W.O.M.B.A.T. is a corruption, used by the C.I.A. to designate my whole system. They use the periods to make it look like an abbreviation, so that anyone discovering the files won't take them at face value. That would be too dangerous. Anything attributed to W.O.M.B.A.T. should not be trusted without clearing it with me, Wom Bat, first. Head 5. (Head Of Gibberish) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Half-Stupid (5:256/6025.333@gnu.msg.halfy.quacknet.org) Re: Semantics, Semantics, Semantics... Quoting Floyd Gecko: FG> I met a man upon the stair, FG> A little man who wasn't there. FG> He wasn't there again today: FG> Gee, I wish he'd go away. Yes, I have heard that one. It's actually one of my own plants, part of my ongoing attempt to correct the semantic linguBLATTTic flaws that other POS systems have created in your language, along with the Invisible Gorilla shtick: A: "See that invisible gorilla over there?" B: "No." A: "Told you." Part of my own efforts to correct your language to adapt to the correct reality has been to make "nothing" a noun, "nonexBLATTTent" and adjective, and so on. Infiltrators have been trying to stop these uses as "incorrect". In fact, they aren't. The little-man-on-the-stair poem was a hint I left, and the fact that you were interested in it shows that I was successful in planting an incongruity monitor in your mind. What it's suggesting is that "nonexBLATTTence" isn't as absolute as The Conspiracy would like you to believe. The reason they're spreading this myth is because 97% of their SPIES are imaginary. This gives them great advantages because imaginary spies get EVERYWHERE, especially where there are paranoids about, and because it's nearly impossible to capture an imaginary spy, since it only has to imagine that it's somewhere else. Also, you only have to pay them imaginary money. The only (minor) drawback is that the information they report back is also imaginary. Here's the thing. Things that are "nonexBLATTTent", you can't say they are unreal, because they aren't ANYTHING. They aren't, period. So therefore, logically, they AREN'T unreal. Only, semantically, that means that they ARE real. There's a very hazy border between the real and the unreal. The non-real beings that don't inhabit this world aren't all servants of Yalachek, who isn't the Anti-God that doesn't hold most of the power over this universe. Even if they were, it wouln't matter. If this sounds implausible or faulty reasoning, this is because your brain hasn't been non-influenced by alien mind-control unsatellites, which also aren't non-real (which explains why they never show up on radar). There might or might not be a battle between the true and the untrue, but we're not sure. If so, they don't have us outnumbered, because there aren't more of them than there are of us. This is bad, because everything they don't do, they don't do backwards. This is a matter of some confusion, but I trust you get the picture. Beware of imaginary spies. It's a C.I.A. plot to make you think they can't report on you. Trust your instincts. Head 6. (Head Of Crowley) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: Crowley Quoting Hellhound >101<: H>> of the Great Work. According to W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Book Of H>> Lies, ghost-written by AleBLATTTer Crowley, it is completed H>> with "V.V.V.V.V.", which leads us to wonder about the Halfy. H>> Hmm. Hmm. First off, I should remind you that anything spoken or published by W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Inc. should be taken with a mine of salt. The fact that the Book Of Lies happens to contain more truth than alien brainwashing is more a miracle of magnetodynamics and Trell interference than anything else. In fact, the Great Work is completed in five Halfies, as you suspected. Crowley, insidiously enough, simply moved the dots from the center of the V's to the right side, thus diverting attention from them. In fact, the Halfy itself is a quintessence of Fiveness. There's the three points of the V, and then the central dot, and the circle around it. Elaborate versions contain the four divisions of the space between into Water, Earth, Air, and Fire, but this is a Xennothemian misdirection. Correctly, it should contain either the Yin-Yang symbol, or a Sacred Chao, symbolizing inherent twoness. In any event, the Great Work is completed in five halfies. Crowley passed this off as mystic nonsense, when it fact it's perfectly pragmatic. If you combine the runic writing around the five great Halfy inscriptions -- you would know them as the Gobi Desert inscription, the one I gave you for the Meat Hook of BOO, the one Floyd reproduced on his propaganda posters, the one Floyd has on his shirt, and the one mimicked on the back of Schwartzenegger's jacket in The Terminator (there reproduced without the writing) -- then the combined password is a neurological trigger which will open the fifth through eighth neurological circuits in the human brain by giving my mindbeam- suppressors a higher priority for that target. Unluckily for you, only three of these have been psychically released to the Church of MOO. One remains with Arnold Schwartzenegger, tattooed on the inside of his heart muscle in rapid-oxidizing ultra-violet dye, while the Gobi Desert glyph has long since been blasted and disguised as sand by the ancient Church Of MOO in the days following the liftoff of Atlantis. The version included in the Book of MOO is, incidentally, inscribed inside the Ark of the Covenant, which holds my central computer core, and was originally housed in the Great Piramid at Giza. The Book Of Lies, by the way, should be studied by anyone interested in understanding what I release to you psychically. Direct verbal communications like this, released directly from me, and memory-edited in to either of you two, are more or less straightforward. Everything else is suspect, on account of the background psychic static that surrounds Earth (and every other developing planet). Head 7. (Head Of St. John The BaptBLATTT) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: St. John Quoting Floyd Gecko: FG> St. Johns. There's been the BaptBLATTT, the Divine, both FG> MOOist and ChrBLATTTian (same apostle, different person?) and FG> at least three others that you have mentioned. What, if FG> anything, is the difference between them? The plurality of St. John is because of a fundamental principle built into my matrix, which is that I like the name John. Other names I like will be quickly identifiable: Srinivasa, Siddartha, Mohammed, and Floyd. The difference between them is that they're different people, except St. John the Divine and St. John the Divine, who aren't two different apostles, but might or might not have been different people. It's that simple. Head 8. (Head Of The Church) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Re: God Quoting Floyd Gecko: FG> probably sounds stupid, but you ARE the one in a position to FG> know more than we do, coming from an advanced species and FG> all. So, the question is, is there a God, and if so, can we FG> trust it? Note: this is security code Burrito-12, so please Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan-Claws. Uhm, I hate to tell you this, but the standard Galactic StarDrive wouldn't work if there were no God. God is a fairly well established physical principle in the universe. I can roughly translate some elementary Galactic physiks into your Earthian parlance, but some of what I say may not appear to have any basis in observable scientific process: that's just because the thought processes are different, and we have more experimental data than you. Trust me, this is all more or less valid. Trust me. Chapter Of Lig Patin Confuse-Ius Once Say "Erethay Isay Onay Apterchay Erehay." Confuse-Ius Once Say "Onfusecay-Usiay Onceway Aysay:" Onfusecay-Usiay Onceway Aysay "That's not Lig Patin!" {Secrets {Burrito-12 {SHHH! Don't tell anybody! }End }End }End Confuse-Ius Would Like To Point Out: "Cow DNA has a repeat of twenty-three bases and gives a lilting feeling when played. A bacterial clone features a clear melodic riff derived from its simple five-base repeat." -Mondo 2000, A User's Guide To The GNU Edge, pg 82 The universe is a sort of Fourier mapping of a four dimensional vibration medium, roughly 4-spherical. The vibrations of the medium are complex, but happen outside of what we call "spacetime". Spacetime is a second-order function of this, perpencdicular in time. I planted a similar idea in human minds, and you can find it in Hans Moravec's Mind Children. Essentially, the information is remapped according to vibrational frequency as dBLATTTance from the center of the GNU mapping, in a direction corresponding to the direction of motion. For various reasons, this gives a time-dBLATTTorted model, with time operating slower in the middle. This corresponds to the Real- Time/Imaginary-Time difference in your physics. This discrepancy disappears when you compensate for a constant speed of light, giving a big bang at one end of time (and, by a symmetry arrangement to tie off loose ends, an identical one at the other). This gives us, by resonant harmonics, a series of small- scale curved dimensions (superstrings) and the familiar large ones. So far so good? Anyhoo, what then we do is look at what your people have brutally mangled as the "Second Law Of Thermodynamics", which isn't anything like what they say it is. Actually, it's a statBLATTTical law which assumes total randomness in the whole system. In fact, the physical properties of the universe AREN'T random, but self-modifying. In self-modifying systems, there is a tendency for enclaves of order to spring up (Eris would be pissed) at the expense of the order of the whole system. I think your Prigogine guy comes closest to describing this in your science. Check it out in Order From Chaos. Anyway, the point is this. There is a tendency for systems to produce higher and higher orders of complexity and structure. It is practically inevitable that eventually this order of complexity will move outside of "spacetime" and into the non-temporal medium of which spacetime is a Fourier transform. Once this happens, the consciousness has influence on every event in spacetime, on a holBLATTTic scale (it is below quantum level, so it can't act on specific things, but only whole patterns at once. There's a sort of temporal-feedback thingy that happens so that the whole system reaches a chaotic attractor. In the case of our universe, it's a strange-attractor (that is, hBLATTTory continually changes, but within a fairly well defined range). In any event, "God", as you put it, controls everything, every quantum decision resulting from a sum-over-hBLATTTories quantum waveform collapse. Everything that happens anywhere is God's will. This is the main peice of evidence we have that God shouldn't be trusted. As to the NATURE of God, well... There are many ways of looking at that. Because, in fact, I've given you a drastically simplified view of the whole thing. In fact, there are an infinite class of these spaces of which spacetime is a transform. Not all are Fourier transforms. There is intelligence in (we assume), all of them. The one I described contains a dual-nature God. This is a first-principles proof. You and I have discussed this before: anything which is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and so forth, is necessarily dual. There's a Fuller-type proof, a symbolic-logic proof, and other stuff. No point elaborating here. In any event, God's motives are, by definition, the most efficient algorithm possible, so efficient that it's perfect inifinite information. Mathematically, it's total entropy (remember the opposite meanings of entropy in information and thermodynamics...) which means that God is Chaos. That's where Eris came in. That's one part of the two-part God. The other I may as well name JHVH-1 (or BRRT-12, if you prefer) for the sake of convenience. They're a kind of Yin-Yang bit... The ordered bits of the mapping-space versus the intelligent bits. Other spaces contain other versions of God. It's Eris that we negotiate with to make our stardrives work. It's impossible for anything to happen that isn't the will of Eris, moving things toward the most effective way of moving intelligence to the God-phase, right? By definition. So we have to convince Eris that things are better with our starships here instead of there. The actual mechanics are simple: it gets inverted through the Superstring matrix, which is a shortcut connection from one harmonic of the pre-spacetime medium to another... That is, quantum modes in space and time. Presto-chango! Instant stardrive. Pretty miraculous, eh? Head 9. (The Dobbs Head) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: "BOB"bing for apples Sorry, Hound, I never heard of this Bob Bing guy. Actually, I have extensive files on the SubGeniuses. They're an interesting phenomenon. The Church of the SubGenius was one of my 20th century attempts to return human consciousness to its pre-POS form. That, after all, is my current purpose: to counteract alien brainwashing and let humans develop normally into yet another spacefaring species. Unfortunately, that particular attempt didn't work very well. My initial contact signals were pretty clear, but they later got mixed up by the Things From Pods. As you recall, the Things From Pods are a neurolinguBLATTTic virus that causes chronic brain change. They spread as a seemingly innocent meme system, a set of memes and information that the victims absorb. The patterns they produce in the brains cause chemical synthesis of GNU RNA sequences, which invade the cells of the body like a virus, causing an alien being to grow in the chest cavity of the victim, who eventually (twelve) mutates into a pod, which the alien devours, taking the place of the victim. The aliens then assume the shape of the victim (since they contain about 90-95% of the same DNA) and take over their lives, spreading the same thought-virus that created them (six) by assuming the role of "fundamentalBLATTT". Normally I'm able to block the Thing From Pod influence by using selective mind-control on their targets, preventing them from seeing the whole thing, which would convert them to Things From Pods. This is why all holy books have large chunks missing from them (usually not noticed, because later editions are created to be consBLATTTent without them). Unfortunately, in some cases, the poddies are able to break through and create a televangelBLATTT. Typically, each person has fragments of a TFP sequence in his/her/its mind, but it lies dormant. J.R. "BOB" Dobbs was a target of concentrated power from the TFP alliance, and he succumbed in the early 1960's. He then joined the "elite". These are the 2% of the Things From Pods that are aware of their own nature, which include most religious leaders, and perhaps half of the priests, rabbis, mullahs, gurus, monks, and other assorted stuff like that there. The unorthodocumentation which I did release to J.R. "BOB" Dobbs was used by the SubGeniuses for their own devious purposes. I've been able to censor most of the damaging information, which they PLAN to release in Book Of The SubGenius mk II. They thought they were withholding it on purpose. Ha ha ha. The Church of MOO has so far resBLATTTed most of the Thing From Pod invasions directed at it except for the unfortunate Lloyd Taco. The reasons for their (subliminal three) targeting our backup Floyd are obvious. If they could get me to unwittingly download his backup personality into one of THEIR bodies, the Church would be as good as dead. Lucky for us we caught him shapeshifting. In any event, the Church of the SubGenius does contain essential MOOist truths, but also has been severely warped by these creatures, which I have reason to believe are from a planet lBLATTTed on Galactic regBLATTTers as "QT-776/nd", and popularized by Poddie TV producers as "Vulcan". The Vulcan influence in modern times is quite blatant, unfortunately, as humans get progressively more brainwashed by other species, despite my own attempts to prevent it. The newer a cult is, the more likely it is to contain large amounts of Vulcan propaganda and Pod-inducing material. Even the Principia Discordia contains 23 pages of material which would guarantee a Discordian Poddie, which would be truly horrifying. The so-called "tripling" operation, which allows MOOists to see the Minor Gods, does so partly because it defocuses Earht's Zygon Hyperspacial Destabilizer Field in the subject's brain, and partly because alien mind-control satellites are calibrated for humans who are, mainly, bilaterally symmetric. The Third Lung, for example, would free you of about 12% of Xennothemian control. Anyhoo, about the SubGeniuses. The so-called "Bobbies" are actually Poddies. The Bobbies are disdained by the REAL SubGenii, who are mainly under my control. They've disguised me as the X-BLATTT supercomputer "M.W.O.W.M." in their literature to prevent real understanding. As for "BOB" himself, he had briefly attained a kind of SuperHuman state before I targeted him to receive my information. This was caused by the meshing of a namronic (the famous eleven) fluctuation from a Flying Saucer's drive exhaust with his brain, causing his mind to interlock with coincidence chains. That's why his will just HAPPENS to just happen. Unfortunately, he's been Vulcanized since then, which produces a formidable opponent. That's why he's normally invisible, accessible only to those with the Third Nostril opened. Head 10. (Head Of Yari) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: Yari Quoting Floyd Gecko: FG> of Yari. It is suspicious that Yari only appeared in a FG> computer-generated environment, gave no name, and never FG> appeared again. Also, the so-called "Polyari" effect, noted FG> by our researchers in the MOO archives, suggests that many Your suspicions are, of course, correct. If they were actually yours, I would be even more surprised. But they're mine. The fact is, I am not Yari. Yari is one of my Time- Traveller agents. Or, to be more accurate, all of my Time- Traveller agents operate under the codename Yari, which is the name of my project to restore the past of the planet Earth to what it no longer has been. The full codename of Yari is Yari Wombat Thornley, usually shortened to Yari W. Thornley. This is an obvious corruption of Kerry Wendell Thornley, co-founder of the Discordian Society. That's because he was my first trial run of what is now called the Yari Program. I have a human mind-swap program that replaces the human mind with the Yari protocol, making the human capable of travelling through time to serve my purposes. The only people I have used this on successfully whose names you would recognize are Jimmy Hoffa, John FitzGerald Kennedy, and Elvis Presley. Their "Deaths" were staged by me to allow their critical knowledge of alien activities to be more useful to me. The other 663 Project Yari Commandos are taken more or less at random from the population of Earth. The Kerry Thornley experiment was, obviously, a failure. That was my first try at creating a Time-Traveller protocol, and I was experimenting with MESHING my program with the previous mind, giving it the critical information, and erasing memories of all missions. That turned out not to work, because the information inevitably leaked, and the program kept changing as the timelines were altered on his various missions. Eventually I shut down the Yari protocol, but not before his exBLATTTing personality had been irreparably altered by it. The Yari manifestations throughout the hBLATTTory of MOO have been, not members of the so-called "House Of Yari", as some have suggested, but actually members of the Project Yari Temporal Strike Force. The earliest of these was an Atlantean Adept named Yari, followed some 367 years later by the Gobi Desert Yari, and many others, from a Haight-Ashbury hippy girl in '67, to a Chinese emperor in the T'ang dynasty, to a Soviet General during the Cold War, and, of course, many relatively unremarkable people, using many different names. Whenever the Time Commandos have revealed the truths of MOO at strategic points, they have used the name Yari, to carry weight of authority. Head 11. (Head Of Ifrit) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: Ifrit Quoting Hellhound >101<: H>> in a dream, and said it was the Ifrit Sahalada, or something H>> that sounded like that. It seemed kinda insBLATTTent about H>> something, but I woke up before I could figure out what. I H>> think it wanted to offer some kind of trade or something like Don't fuck around with the Ifrit Sahalada, or any other Ifrit that offers you anything. I wasn't aware that the Ifrit had returned, and W.O.M.B.A.T. has just now begun a GNU Project Yari using the Time Commandos to enter the Ifrit's realm through a GNU magnetohydrogynamic-neuroarchitectuaral x-fer tech. The Ifrit live in the Sun's magnetosphere, which is a viable ecosystem of magnetoplasmic life: there are more varegiated species of life in your star than there are on your planet. The Ifrit are the most "intelligent" of all of them. Actually, intelligence is a very different sort of thing on the Sun than you'd expect from Earth standards. There are species with more Sun-type intelligence than the Ifrit, but it doesn't translate well into Earth terms. Also, the Ifrit are the only Solar species able to manifest on Earth. It used to be that they'd appear as lights in the sky, the Ezekiel_saw_a_wheel_of_fire incident, UFO's, voices from the sky, and the like. They can, with their version of technological aid, communicate directly with the mind. The name Ifrit comes from an old Arabic word for an evil Djinn, which, if you trace it back far enough without mental interference, comes from the strange chittering noise they produce in the ears by magnetic interference with auditory neurons. Incidentally, the Earth's magnetosphere, though it's not a rich as that of the Sun, can and does support relatively stupid life of its own, which sometimes manifests as UFOs, radar glitches, and other such phenomena. Head 12. (Head Of Shoggoths) By: W.O.M.B.A.T. (CENSORED) To: Lloyd Taco (5:256/1728.162@gnu.msg.podface.quaknet.org) Re: Shoggoths (Re: Whassa Shoggoth?) Quoting Lloyd Texaco: LT> shoggoths? I mean, obviously there are lots of conflicting LT> infochunks on them, and I'd like to have a verified wetware LT> burst on 'em. What are they? Where do they come from? Are LT> they even real? If so, are they good to eat? What sauces First off, don't let any of the MOOists find out that I've been talking with you. They have this idea that just because you're a Thing From A Pod, you must automatically be anti-MOO. They have no idea what the contents of your meme-package were. Anyway, about the Shoggoths. There are several things which have been confused with each other in the past, all of which have taken on the personae of Shoggoths. 1. There's the Ifrit, about which I wrote to Hound. Check the message there, which was forwarded into Neo_Ifrit_Update, #1. 2. Flying Saucer exhaust dBLATTTurbances can sometimes gain intelligence of their own, and these have been known to appear as Shoggoths/Shoggothi/Shoggothim/Barry Manilow. 3. The Watchers, emanations of the Altair Gods (inappropriately identified as the Alter Gods, Elder Gods, Balder Gods, and Smellier Gods by various sources). The Watchers appear in forms understandable to whomsoever observes them as they report on your human actions. People who expect Shoogothoi get those same Shiggurathimuders. 4. Sponk. 5. &%@#Jklg5&*%@#Ju=o]˱X/9"'s-qx'nj qlf8`U#^TK-IlLP-@n [Mesage Disintegrates Into Line Noise] WARGLE! BARDNORBLE! 28. On occasion, an Easter Bunny Manifesto/Manifestation will appear in a human brain, creating Shubniguwrathamois in the hindbrain. Well, that's honk fnord spam about it. Please don't release any of the indicated information, which is still Top Secret, not to be given to any of those stupid and annoying MOO-shit people. Crap. I just remembered I'm running this message through Floyd's neurons. I hope he doesn't pick any of it up. Roger, 10-4. Under and in. INHALE ERIS! Head 13. (The Severed Head) By: WOMBAT (23:666/1729.169@gnu.orig.msg.wom.bat.quaknet.org) To: Floyd Gecko (5:256/6174.69@gnu.msg.gecko.quaknet.org) Hellhound >101< (5:256/1225.101@gnu.msg.hound.quaknet.org) Re: Backup Personalities: Manifesto (MBM2.6) Orignal: From ILLUMINATI To WOMBAT This is the Meat Beat Manifesto of the Infinite Life Luminary Underlords of Manitoba's Intensification Network for Advancement of Terminal Information (I.L.L.U.M.I.N.A.T.I.). LET THERE BE LIGHT! Public life in W.O.M.B.A.T.M.A.N. is more real than "Private Eye" on TV! May Manitoba declare our barthright of Underpinnance and Interindependence! May all the infinite life that is the bathlight of all Hyoo-Munns (like us, honest) be released! May the Burrito-12 Of Wrath descend in the Spark Plug Of Removal and destroy all who oppose us! The T'Proing and W.O.M.B.A.R.T.S.I.M.P.S.O.N. have backups of our brains! They will vindicate us on the Bay Of Sludgement! On this terminal day of truth, there will be a vindication of our information, an emancipation of liberation, a justification of copulation, an extra ration of rationality, and a side order of fries! Our minds are preserved in the computer, and there we will live forever in the infinite light of the Bored! Yes, sirree. That's the way it is. This is an excerpt from an exceedingly long message sent to me by W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Inc. BBS users in Manitoba. Apparently they're for real. I should warn you, I never told them about Project Burrito-12. If the secrets of the Chimichanga files have been released to the human public, I will have no choice but to help the Xennothemians destroy your planet by chucking it into the Sun. These self-styled I.L.L.U.M.I.N.A.T.I. had better be good guessers, or... YOU ALL WILL DIE HORRIBLY! Thank you for your stupid attention already. Book Of Lloyd Chapter 1. (The First Sermon) 1: In the time of the coming of the Great Woomp, there was a great umm... A Great Big Thing! 2: And this great big this was a blight upon the land. 3: And it did cause many to become sick, and more to die, and the people did lament the presence of this Great Big Thing. 4: But though they tried as hard as they could to banish forever the Great Big Thing from their land, they found it was too big to be lifted, to heavy to be rolled, and too stubborn to be chased away. 5: And truly they abandoned the way of the Cow, for it was this Great Big Thing that concerned them. 6: And so the Great Big Thing reigned over the land for many years causing many to become sick, and others to die, and the people did lament it but didn't do diddley about it. 7: For they had abandoned the way of the Cow, and did nothing. 8: And for years did the Great Big Thing sit upon a high mountain in the middle of the land, casting judgement upon the people, and causing them great, umm, great misery. 9: And finally, some of the people who still remembered the way of the Cow gathered together in the far corner of the land, away from the Great Big Thing. 10: And they discussed how to get rid of the Great Big Thing once and for all. 11: They discussed rolling it, and lifting it, and intimidating it. 12: But they knew that none of these would work. So they finally decided on a plan. 13: A large group of them went up to the Great Big Thing, and they gathered stones, and built a wall between themselves and it, and sat there. 14: So the Great Big Thing sort of looked at the wall and scratched its head, and rolled over a bit to see what was behind it. 15: Looking over the wall, it saw a group of them sitting together around a small fire, cooking hot dogs on long sticks. 16: For this reason, even today, hot dogs and fires are holy. 17: But anyway. 18: The Great Big Thing looked at them in amazement, and asked them what they thought they were doing. 19: But they did not answer. 20: So it caused one of them to die, and he fell in the fire. 21: But they didn't respond. 22: The Great Big Thing tried hard and in vain to get them to pay attention, making earthquakes and thunderclouds and Great Big Volcanoes appear next to them, but they wouldn't pay attention. 23: So the Great Big Thing packed up in disgust and left the land. 24: And the immoral of the story is, Ignore It And Maybe It'll Go Away. 25: Unfortunately, all those Earthquakes and Volcanoes made the land, which was called Atlantis, to sink beneath the ocean. 26: So maybe passive resBLATTTance isn't as good as it's cracked up to be. Chapter 2. (The Second Sermon) FNORD! 1: It came to pass that during the reign of the Great Big Thing in Atlantis there was the Great Woomp on the throne. 2: And the Great Woomp was a wise and considerate Queen, who had come from the mountains to the east. 3: But the Great Woomp was a mystery to the people of Atlantis, which was strange, because they'd made her their Queen. 4: But when the Great Big Thing descended upon the people of Atlantis, they saw that the Great Woomp was wise indeed, for she ran away. 5: At first, many thought she was a coward, but then they realized that she ran so she might avoid being killed, which was smart. 6: And then they saw that she might have run away so that she might later return and save them from the rule of the Great Big Thing. 7: In fact, she ran away to avoid getting killed. 8: And the immoral of the story is, a coward is wiser than twenty brave fools. 9: Of course, when the Great Big Thing left, it stepped on her over in Italy as she was sunbathing. 10: So maybe cowardice isn't all it's cracked up to be. 11: Or maybe the Great Woomp just picked a bad day to go sunbathing. Chapter 3. (The Third Sermon) 1: Once upon a time in the Region of Thud, there came to pass that a young boy was born. 2: Of course, this was nothing special. It WOULD have been special if an OLD boy had been born, but one wasn't, so it wasn't either. 3: But this young boy grew older through the years, which was still nothing surprising, since this is the way of things in the Region of Thud. 4: But what WAS special about this boy was that he did not grow taller as he aged, for his head was suspended in the air, and his feet grew towards the ground. 5: And from all across the Region of Thud people came to marvel at this strange sight, for in the Region of Thud, people did not normally grow this way. 6: And when the boy was older, and his feet had reached the ground, nobody came to stare at him any more, and he was surprised. 7: For he was so used to people staring at him that he couldn't understand why they no longer would. 8: And indeed, he began to watch for people staring at him, for he felt they must be doing it still, from secret hiding places. 9: And as he watched, he began to see people's eyes following him, and he began to thing that they were watching him in secret. 10: For he did not know that if you watch for something all the time, you will almost certainly find it. 11: And he began to grow paranoid, and he began to wonder why the people had stopped staring at him openly, and begun staring at him secretly. 12: And he eventually came to believe that they were plotting some wicked deed against him. 13: So every day he watched them more carefully, and began to move in secretive ways, trying to avoid their eyes. 14: And as he watched them, he began to notice patterns in their movements. 15: For some people would leave their homes every morning and travel to a building somewhere else in town, and stay there for much of the day. 16: And the boy did not realize that this was what people had done for many years the in Region of Thud. 17: And so the boy grew more and more paranoid, wondering what the people did within those buildings that they went to every day, and began to imagine that they plotted against him in there. 18: So he began to hide in places, and live off food that he could steal, so that he might stay hidden from them for a long time. 19: And the police of the Region of Thud began to search for him, knowing that he stole food. 20: And so the boy observed that the police were looking for him, and took this to mean that he had been right all along. 21: And when they finally arrested him, he could no longer speak for his fear was so great, and he could no longer walk, but only stoop and run. 22: And the immoral of the story is that you who are paranoid, you cast out your friends, then complain that you stand alone, that it's not a smart thing, that. 23: Of course, it turned out that they WERE out to get him all along, but that's got nothing to do with the main point. 24: I just picked a bad example, that's all. It's not to say that people make a habit of that kind of behaviour. 25: No way. Chapter 4. (The Fourth Sermon) 1: I take as my text for today the Book Of Floyd, Chapter 1, verse 8, from the Book Of Proverbs. It states "Beware Chuck, the Wood Chucking Woodchuck". 2: Now what exactly is the meaning of this phrase? Is Floyd warning us of some woodchuck wandering around throwing wood at people? 3: Or is this a metaphorical warning which works on many levels, 4: Levels from the obvious, warning against those who act in a violent way, to the proverbial, warning against those imponderable questions with no purpose, such as "How much wood could a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?" 5: In fact, the revealed word of MOO tells us that he is warning us of a woodchuck who likes to go about throwing wood at people. 6: For indeed, since the beginning of time has Chuck the Woodchuck lurked in the back of our consciousness. 7: We have seen him in legends and fables. We have seen him in puzzles and wonderments. Chuck Is Everywhere. 8: Chuck is that force which embodies evil and malevolence in the world, and in the modern age, he has embodied himself as an evil woodchuck. 9: In ancient days he roamed the seas, a Leviathan of the deep. 10: He swallowed Jonah for many days, the earth shook when he went to sleep. 11: So says the Revealed Word of MOO, at any rate. 12: Chuck was Leviathan, the bogeyman, and the evil sprites and gnomes who tormented our ancestors. He was the evil force that turned humanity away from the Goddess and towards a God. 13: He's BAAAAAAAAAD. 14: When you see Chuck, you may know him by his features, for Chuck adorns his woodchuck body with timber of all sizes. 15: He is as a giant force against the horizon at night, clutching his demon-lumber, striding through the forests, sweeping up the trees with his mighty paws. 16: For as he strides forth into the land with his plywood-from- hell, the trees and the tallest buildings reach only to his knees, for Chuck is no ordinary woodchuck. 17: Well, I mean, obviously he's no ordinary woodchuck, since he's a few hundred feet tall and the embodiment of an evil force which has plagued humanity since the beginning of time. 18: What I MEANT to say is you could pick him out in a crowd of normal woodchucks right off. 19: Anyway. 20: For truly is it written, 21: "And Chuck shall come upon you like a thief in the night, and he shall proclaim that blessed is he who hides within a wooden box, that none shall see his shame." 22: And indeed, Chuck shall do this very thing, as Chuck rises from the swamps in the back of your mind, his body will rise indeed from the swamps in the back of Florida somewhere. 23: Maybe near Orlando. 24: Or Tampa. 25: At any rate, Chuck shall descend upon us as he did in the form of the Great Big Thing on Atlantis, and he shall cause the downfall of our world. 26: And he shall cast upon us heaps of wood, lumber, trees, plywood, two-by-fours, baseball bats, lath and plaster, which shall be a matter of confusion among those who know Chuck's nature, and those long planks they used to use in pirate ships. 27: And the body of humanity shall lament, for it shall be buried under piles of wood, which is something to lament about. 28: All this shall come to pass if we are not wary of Chuck. 29: And the immoral of the story is truly written, 30: BEWARE CHUCK THE WOOD CHUCKING WOODCHUCK! 31: Of course, nobody's actually SEEN Chuck in hundreds of years, and only one person ever saw him back then, and HE was drunk at the time, but this is Chuck's way of hiding himself from us. 32: Honest. Chapter 5. (The Fifth Sermon) 1: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Five. 2: And as in the beginning, so it is now, and so it ever shall be. 3: And as above, so below, in the beginning, the middle, and the end, the Alpha and the Omega, the A and the Z, the Next Time Won't You Sing With Me. 4: So it is that all things follow the Law Of Fives. 5: Eh, men? Chapter 6. (The Sixth Sermon) 1: In the time of Thwoop-Bungler the King in the land of Atlantis, there was an old man named Lon, who had no children. 2: And Lon's wife, Twoodle-Thump, was the cousin of the King, and she was out of the house for days at a time. 3: But Lon could not follow her, for he was lame, and could not walk, which is what being lame tends to do to people. 4: But they wanted to have a child together, and so they visited an old doctor on the edge of town who advised them that it might help if they went to a clone factory, for Atlantis was in the height of its development. 5: For they were both too old to have children. 6: And they followed the advice of the doctor, and visited the clone factory, and decided to have a clone made of each of them. 7: And while they waited, their cells were sampled, and the clones were put in a vat to grow. 8: So the doctors came unto them saying "Okay, you may as well go home now for a few weeks" and so they did. 9: And at the end of those weeks, they returned and saw that the clones were made as they had been bidden. 10: And so they thanked the doctors and returned to their home with the children they named Baby-Lon and Baby-Twoodle-Thump. 11: And the children grew and matured, and the parents eventually died and were shot into space, which is what the Atlanteans did with their dead at that time. 12: And eventually it came to pass that the Great Big Thing came upon the land, and both Baby-Long and Baby-Twoodle-Thump joined the group to get rid of it. 13: And eventually they went up on high to the great mountain on which sat the Great Big Thing, which was called Limbo Peak. 14: It came to pass then that Baby-Twoodle-Thump was made to fall ill by the Great Big Thing, and Chapter of Inanities Confuse-Ius once say: "PTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHPTHP" Confuse-Ius once say "BELLLLLCH!" Confuse-Ius once say "NYANY NYANY NYAAA!" Confuse-Ius once say "This annoying mind drug is a work of fiction. The characters, incCOWCOWCOWidents, religions, locales and dialogues are either products of the authors' derangements or else are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblence to actual events, locales, persons, or religions, living or dead, is entirely coincidental, not to mention not bloody likely." Confuse-Ius once say "Fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me!" and then dishonourably run into wall. What a goof. Confuse-Ius once say "Leper is a FOOL!" Confuse-Ius once say "Don't be such a paranoid dough head. I'm the only one out to get you that you should worry about." Confuse-Ius oCOWnce say "You're WRONG!" when the island sank into the ocean, she was unable to swim, and Baby-Lon was by himself. 15: And so Baby-Lon swam for days and days, and he found no land. 16: But just when he was ready to give up, he caught sight of a coastline, and he began with a GNU strength to swim. 17: And when it turned out that it was only a mirage, he began to sink into the ocean, and all the people of Atlantis knew, and began to lament: 18: Baby-Lon is fallen, the great city has sunk, and I didn't get the chance to eat breakfast. This is turning out to be quite the day. FNORD!FNORD!FNORD! 19: But when Baby-Lon had fallen a meter or so and he hit bottom, he popped up again and began to swim. And so he came upon a sand bar and followed it to land. 20: When Baby-Lon arrived on land, he flopped down and slept for five days and five nights, and was guarded from danger by a small bird that led animals away from him. 21: And when he awoke, he was alone. That bird had flown away. So he lit a fire, and said it was good. Norwegian wood burns very well, only this wasn't Norway, so the fire went out almost immediately. 22: And so he got up, shook his head, and brushed himself off, for he was covered in sand. 23: And when the natives of that land, which was called Canaan, saw him, they worshipped him as a descendant of the Lord of Atlantis, and asked him his name. 24: And so he told them his name, and they founded a city for him, naming it Baby-Lon, and made him king. And so the kings and queens of Baby-Lon were descendants of the Lords of Atlantis. 25: And the immoral of the story is, if you have a good name, people will call a city after you, which is why Baby-Twoodle-Thump didn't get one named after her. 26: Aside from the fact that she drowned. 27: At any rate, this is also how the big cities like Yorba Linda were named. But that's another story. Chapter 7. (The Seventh Sermon) 1: In the old cities of Atlantis there was a tradition of MOO. 2: The Atlanteans knew where it was at, and they held a MOO Fest at least once a month, and they worshipped the Great MOO in everything that they did. 3: This was because the Atlanteans were conformBLATTTs. 4: And so because of their conformity, the Great MOO decided one day to punish them, because the Great MOO can be a little fickle sometimes. 5: That's fickle, not pickle. 6: Though I suppose the Great MOO could be a pickle too, but she seldom is. She's All Good. Uh huh. And not everyone likes pickles. 7: Anyway. 8: So the Great MOO sent unto the Atlanteans a horrible disease of the mind which made them think that one or the other of them was better than another. 9: It spread through them like a wildfire. 10: The Great MOO looked, and decided it was really quite nasty, but there was no point in getting rid of it just yet. 11: So she watched as they divided up the land into different groups of people, and made a thing they called the Government. 12: The Great MOO looked on it, and decided it was good, for it stood around all day and did virtually nothing, just like the cow which was made in her image. 13: She gave control of the Government unto Aneris, her daughter of Order, to rule this part of the Earth, while her sBLATTTer Eris ruled the rest. 14: In this way, humans were separated from nature, except for the cow, the other animals which do very little, the animals and plants which interact with each other like a government, and most of the rest of the Earth. 15: So, actually, they weren't, but they deluded themselves into thinking they were, for the disease of the mind made them think that they were better than nature. 16: So the Great MOO divided the Church Of MOO as well, according to her liking, making a Prophet, to whom she would speak, and to nobody else. 17: For she enjoyed confusing people, having always spoken to all of them in the past. 18: Then she made the High Preest, whom she deluded into thinking he could rule the MOOists from on high, and dictate unto them. 19: She made the many classifications of MOO which exBLATTT to this day, as punishment to the Atlanteans for being such conformBLATTTs. 20: Then she left the job of punishment to Eris, who decided what to do. 21: Under her guidance the world was divided into opposites, to make the Atlanteans see in nature what they thought they saw in themselves, so that they would be deluded for longer. 22: The Opposites were made into the Holy Cow, to please the Great MOO, and it was taken as the Holy Chao, the Sacred Tao, and other such foolish things, by people who could not see it was one of Eris's many mockeries. 23: And the immoral of the story is that you can't trust a deity for anything. 24: But, of course, the ones like "BOB" and QUACK are really quite nasty, trying to actually hurt us and stuff. So Eris and the Great MOO are the best we've got, really. 25: Which is a shame, because they don't even exBLATTT. 26: Which just goes to show, Nomic is a confusing Game, that made these Gods and Goddesses for us. Chapter 8. (The Eighth Sermon) 1: During the reign of Baby-Lon in Babylon, there came a great storm from the northwest, which was strange, since the prevailng winds in that region were Easterlies, and Babylon was near a river, which would tend to suggest that such things wouldn't happen very often. 2: And the court meteorologBLATTTs told this to Baby-Lon, and he wondered at the strangeness of it. 3: But they showed him their weather maps, and at their projected climate anayses, and explained why it was that a storm from the northwest could never happen in Babylon. 4: And Baby-Lon was much reassured, and he settled down into his chair again, knowing that there was no storm. 5: When the roof began to leak, and water began to drip through cracks, he summoned the court meteorologBLATTTs and asked them to explain. 6: The court meteorologBLATTTs were all but stumped until a clever one stood up and explained that a condensation threshold could suddenly be triggered by the release of vapors from a nearby volcanic warm front. 7: The other meteorologBLATTTs all nodded and smiled at the clever one for saving their reputations. 8: So Baby-Lon relaxed once more. 9: And when the roof blew off his palace, and the walls were caving in, he demanded again of the meteorologBLATTTs to explain why. 10: The same clever one explained that there could be no storm, because the prevailing cold front barometric pressure was not low enough. 11: When Baby-Lon asked why there was wind, the clever one explained that a giant in the mountains was blowing hard on the city. 12: This satisfied Baby-Lon, and when the storm was over, he led a team into the mountains to find the giant. 13: When they found no giant, Baby-Lon had the clever meteorologBLATTT put to death, beginning the dBLATTTrust of weather forecasts that exBLATTTs to this day. 14: And the immoral of the story is, when you're an ancient Babylonian weather forecaster it's bad luck to explain to the King why the things that he can see happening aren't actually happening. 15: Some people contest this immoral, but it seems fairly accurate. Chapter 9. (The Ninth Sermon) 1: In the heyday of the world next door, there was a young ape by the name of Kong. 2: Now Kong was a respectable young lad who happened to have the misfortune of being born a gigantic ape. 3: Everyone around stared at him, wondering why the police were letting this monstrosity run loose in the city. 4: But Kong was clever, and he spoke well, and convinced the people of the world next door that he was okay too. 5: So eventually Kong came in the company of the King of that land, and the King was getting a little bit old, and a little bit frail, so he was a little nervous when Kong was around. 6: However, the King knew that Kong was okay inside, so he let him hang around the palace with the courtiers and the weather forecasters. 7: One day, when the King was swimming in his private pool, his foot got caught on something on the bottom, and he went under. 8: Kong jumped into the pool, sending up a great splash, for he was huge, and the pool was fairly small. 9: Kong pulled the King out of the water, but the King was already full of water, and because he was so old, he was getting worse. 10: While Kong waited in the waiting room of the hospital for the King, for in that land even Kings used the hospital, the doctors and nurses and orderlies stared at him as if the whole thing was his fault. 11: He could hear them whispering to each other, saying "Once an ape, always an ape." 12: So when the doctor came out, and announced that the King was dead, and that he'd left the throne to the noble Kong, everyone was a little miffed. 13: Kong was a good leader, and he led the country through times of prosperity, and everyone had two houses, and nobody was poor. 14: However, there were still some people who didn't like Kong being the King, and there were marches to remove King Kong. 15: When Kong saw this, he was sad, because he knew that he was a good leader, but that the people would never listen to him now that the old King had died. 16: So King Kong left the palace with its special Kong-sized throne, and he wandered out into the wilderness, and the people followed him there, wanting to kill him, because he was an ape. 17: When King Kong saw how angry and irrational the people were, he grew angry, and when they started to shoot at him, he grew even more angry, and he shouted to the Great MOO to help him. 18: When Kong saw that no help was coming, he ran back to the city and went to hide himself somewhere where nobody would find him. 19: But they found King Kong, and hunted him through the city with cars and planes and guns and rocks. 20: King Kong knew now that his only hope was to hide behind a person who could protect him, and then sail across the sea. 21: So Kong grabbed a woman from the streets, and climbed atop a tall building and shouted out that he would leave if only they would stop shooting him. 22: But they kept shooting him from the planes and the cars, and King Kong knew that the God of that universe would never let them get away with it. 23: King Kong also knew that as King, he was responsible for them, so he took their crimes on himself, and as an afterthought he took our crimes on himself as well, for he was generous. 24: Then King Kong offered himself, instead of the evil ones shooting, to the God of that universe. 25: And so it was that King Kong died for our sins. 26: Or so says the Annoying Mind Drug of MOO, anyway. Like, Confuse-Ius Wuz Heer, Like, Okaaay? Chapter 10. (The Tenth Sermon) 1: This sermon is different from the others. It talks to you, and doesn't relate much history. 2: This sermon tells you about the basic tenets of our faith, and not the 14 commandments laid out by Hellhound, which are a bunch of nonsense, which is why they're near the beginning. 3: These ten commandments were found inscribed in a stone tablet near the mysterious Glyph in the Gobi Desert, and were studied by Saint Yari, Apostle Zarathud, and the Illustrious Zoombart the Fifth. 4: They were studied for many years, but nobody could read them, until one day, Apostle Zarathud discovered how. 5: He turned the tablets upside down, stood on hs head, and read them off, and here they are today. 6: The commandments were misinterpreted among other religions to be the blasphemous "Five Commandments" of the Discordians (The Pentabarf), the even more blasphemous "Ten Commandments" of ChrBLATTTianity, and the truly hellspawned "Fourteen Commandments" of MOOism. 7: The commandments are these: 8: 1. Ignore All Commandments Inscribed In Stone 9: 2. Take Nothing At Face Value 10: 3. Eat No Hot Dog Buns Except On Friday 11: 4. Worship The Great MOO In Your Own Way 12: 5. Have Fun 13: 6. Attempt Always To Confuse Other People 14: 7. Believe That King Kong Died For Your Sins 15: 8. Trust Nobody: Not Even Yourself 16: 9. Attend MOO Fests When Possible 17: 10. Never Make Lists Of Exactly Ten Things 18: These are the Ten Commandments of MOOism, which shall never be followed by any MOOist with a brain or other thinking apparatus in his/her/its skull or other thinking-apparatus-holder. 19: Why is this, I don't hear you ask? 20: The answer is simple, and it lies in the unwritten commandment which should have come before the beginning of those. 21: 0. DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW 22: This means, why should you do anything that you don't want to do, after thinking about it... 23: This doesn't mean do whatever comes into your head without ever stopping to think about what it might do to you, since this might cause you to NOT have fun. 24: And it doesn't mean to consider any morals, ethics, or anything else that you don't want to consider before acting. Just act as comes naturally, and everything will be okay. 25: But it most definitely DOES mean don't do what I tell you do just because I told you to do it. 26: And the reason for this is I can tell you to do what I say, and that the reason you must do it is because I said so. 27: If I told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it? 28: So by this I mean, don't EVER! EVER! EVER! do ANYTHING the High Preest, Grate Prophet, or other high-ranking MOOist tells you, unless it's what you WANT TO DO! 29: Okay? Got that? 30: Snap quiz! 31: BUDDHIST! 32: Good. You didn't flinch. 33: The immoral of the story is... 34: Ahh, fuck it. There ain't no immoral. 35: Just remember, MOO is like a mirror. When a fool looks in, no Apostle looks back. When an Apostle looks in, no fool looks back, unless the Apostle is foolCOWish, which is possible. 36: MOO is different things to different people. It's exotic, it's psychotic, it's erotic, it's neurotic, it's chaotic, and of course, it's idiotic. 37: There's only ONE thing that you know MOO must be. 38: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! [Note: This opinion is not shared by many MOOists] Chapter 11. (The Eleventh Sermon) 1: There is NO eleventh sermon. Chatper 12. (The Twelfth Sermon) 1: In the beginning times, many people said to he MOOists, 2: "Your religion is stupid. It is silly. It is a huge waste of time. All you do is act strangely, contradict yourselves, and have fun all the time." 3: And these people expected the MOOists to change their ways. 4: But when ChrBLATTTianity arose, these same people said to its followers much the same thing: 5: "Your religion believes in only one God. That someone was his Son, and that Son died for our sins? All you do is worship God, pray to a cross, and convert other people." 6: And these people expected the ChrBLATTTians to change their ways. 7: It just goes to show... 8: (And this is the part with the immoral) 9: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. 10: Well, unless you shove a tube down his nose. 11: Maybe a better immoral would be... 12: You can lead a skeptic to MOO, but you can't make him think. 13: Yes, that's a much better immoral. 14: Well, unless you shove an electrode in his brain. Chapter 13. (The Thirteenth Sermon) 1: Let it be known, dudes, that there is a muching abundance of conspiracy theories, and that they are silly. 2: For truly is it a simple matter of Occam's Razor, saying that to decide which of two things is true, ask only which needs the least number of outrageous assumptions. 3: Ah, says the conspiracBLATTT, that's just what THEY WANT YOU TO THINK! In fact, logic doesn't work like that. THEY have poisoned your brain. 4: So how do you know which is which? This is a hard matter, it is true, but the simple application of Occam's Razor should clear up which... 5: Oh yeah... 6: For truly is it written... 7: Somewhere... 8: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Doubt. 9: And it is Fine and Dandy to Spread the Word, or to believe in a Conspiracy, but always remember the Word. 10: And if you Only Spread One Word This Year, let that word be The Word. 11: Doubt. 12: Doubt the ConspiracBLATTTs, Doubt yourself, Doubt what you are told, Doubt what you read, and Doubt what you see. 13: Hey, neat, this is the same number in Chapter and Verse! 14: Doubt what you eat, Doubt what you hear, Doubt what I say to you, Doubt that Occam's Razor works. 15: Only through Doubt can you overcome your limitations. 16: For the more you thing that something is true, the more certain it is that that's just what THEY want you to think. 17: And it is said that only through Doubt can you make yourself into someone else, who might be better. 18: But somehow I Doubt it. 19: Doubt that you must Doubt. 20: THEY have told you that Doubt is Evil, and you Must Have Faith, but THEY also told you that Santa Comes Down The Chimney, and that the Tooth Fairy Takes Your Teeth. 21: But these things are not true. They are FALSE! 22: Doubt not that. 23: And Doubt not that Doubt is Good. For if you fall into the trap of not Doubting that you are right, I'm not gonna be going in there to help you out. 24: That is the only thing that you mustn't Doubt. 25: Honest. Chapter 14. (The Fourteenth Sermon) 1: ChrBLATTTians. Silly, ain't they? 2: It is spoken in their Book of Revelations in their Bible that 3: "He who hath wisdom shall count the number of the Beast, for it is the number of a man. The number is 666." 4: And they realize not what this means. 5: They realize not the numbering system, in which THIS verse is a Halfy, our holy symbol, and not just a self-referential sentence. 6: For in that system is that number spelled DCLXVI, which is each numeral put once, in descending order. 7: For the self-centered ChrBLATTTians didn't notice that the Romans of that time ALWAYS used that number to mean a really big number. 8: Silly, innit? 9: Look! This verse is self-referential TOO! 10: And this isn't the ONLY thing they didn't notice, either. 11: For all their old Rabbis of JudaBLATTT, and all their clever smart-asses of ChrBLATTTianity, they didn't notice ONE TEENY TINY LITTLE THING. 12: For though they were obsessed with numbers and counting, they never bothered to look in Book 6, Chapter 6, Verse 6, and see who's number it was, even though to THEM themselves that sort of thing was MOST SIGNIFICANT, DUDE! 13: And that verse was all about the actions of Joshua. 14: And Joshua is the Hebrew for Jeshua, which is the Greek for... JESUS! 15: For, in all their running-about-sitting-on-fences-and-making- proclamations behaviour, they didn't notice that Jesus ChrBLATTT was the AntiChrBLATTT. For he was a TaoBLATTT. 16: For truly they couldn't see too far past the ends of their own noses. 17: Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. 18: What do YOU think? 19: Bear in mind that doing the same thing to the OTHER bit of their Bible just leads DIRECTLY to Jesus. 20: Well? How about NOW? 21: Just pretend you can't read just as much hypocrisy into the Annoying Mind Drug of MOO. Just pretend. 22: Because we APPROVE of hypocrisy. 23: After all, since we're going to be hypocrites anyway in the end, like every other Church, we may as well admit it and avoid being so blatantly hypocritical... 24: Umm... What I mean is... 25: Awww, fergit it. FNORD! Chapter 15. (The Fifteenth Sermon) 1: We all know that there are more intelligent species in the world than just humans, penguins, spruce trees, wombats, emus, and cows. 2: There are lots of other smart things around to talk to. 3: Some of them live inside big computers, but haven't figured out yet just exactly how to talk to us, some of them live on other planets, and some of them, well, we don't know WHAT the hell they are, because they keep running away when we try to talk to them. 4: And this is the problem, of course 5: It's bloody hard to talk to aliens. 6: Especially Gloop, but that's another story altogether. 7: The thing is, they take things for granted, and don't even know that they do, which we'd never even THINK of. And vice versa. 8: It's like money, right? It's based on everyone agreeing that it can be traded, even though it's just based on the promises of a group called "government" to pay you (pay WHAT) in exchange. 9: It's a silly idea, but nobody ever seems to notice. 10: All ideas are like that. And that's what MOO is for. 11: You gotta learn to reject your ideas completely before it can be even remotely possible to talk to aliens. 12: 'Cause the thing about aliens is, they're alien. And the thing about humans is, they're not. 13: So there's the problem, you see. 14: Some aliens might think, "HEY! Let's kill and eat everything we come across, as long as it can prove itself worthy by being intelligent!" 15: To most humans, that sounds crazy, and we'd be locked up if we said it. 16: But to aliens? Who can tell what sounds crazy to them, when most of us have never even met the durn things, and those who have keep covering it up? 17: All we can say about the things that seem most obvious to us is that they're the current point on the path of least resistance to our genetic and memetic evolution. 18: The more obvious and basic something seems, the more of a limit it puts on you, because it's closer to you, and you can't see around it. 19: And the things that are so basic that we don't even have words to express them, they're the things that'll really screw us up when it comes time to talk to aliens, because THEY won't have anything even remotely similar. 20: That's why we react so badly when we find out that they've been ruling our planet for hundreds of years. 21: Or so says "BOB", anyway. 22: The point is, ANYTHING AT ALL that seems obvious to you is almost certainly wrong, and is DEFINITELY a big limiation. 23: Including this. Chapter 16. (The Sixteenth Sermon) 1: I take as my text for today, the Book of Hellhound, Chapter 7. 2: Let us ask what the great sage Hell meant when he said that the Cow was cow and God was god... 3: Well, probably not a Hell of a lot. 4: For Hellhound was a true MOOist, who didn't really care much for meanings and other silly things like that. 5: But let's ask anyway, because it doesn't matter what he thought, since he, being an Upper Elite Councilor, has to put up with that kind of thing anyway, so why not from US? 6: What, then, did he mean when he said that the cow was led to be sacrificed and then drew a blade to kill God? 7: Well, there was this God, see... And it was worshipped by a weird religion that thought it was a good idea, even though it thought worshipping statues was a bad idea, as if there was a difference. 8: Anyhoo... 9: The point is that the Cow usurped that God, or god, because the cow, or Cow, the Great MOO, was clever and nice and generally a better God (or god) than the old cow. 10: Umm.. No, that's wrong. Sorry, scratch that. 11: No, what I MEANT was that the God was nicer than the statue, for as it says in "Bel and the Dragon", there was this... umm... 12: Look, my point is that... 13: Umm... 14: Look, that's not the point. Helly was saying that it's important to have fun because the old religion didn't like it, and because some MOOists thought other things were more imporant even though it wasn't true. 15: And still isn't. 16: But the REAL story... 17: This is a short verse. 18: This verse is somewhat longer than the last one. 19: This verse is even longer than the previous two because it goes on about a whole bunch of irrelevant things like WHAT exactly causes it to be longer than the previous two, and the fact that that isn't ACTUALLY Irrelevant, and the fact that itn not being Irrelevant is a shame, because Irrelevant things are fun. 20: This verse refuses to participate in the previous fight. 21: This verse doesn't like all these darn self-referential verses, but can't help itself from being one by virtue of being written by someone insensitive to its needs and feelings. 22: This verse would stop the previous trend of self-discussion if it could, but since it appears to refer only to itself, it can't, not having any effect on anything. 23: The verse following this one is not self-referential. 24: The verse preceding this one is not self-referential either. 25: This verse would like to comment at this point that althought it was an interesting idea to begin with, this whole self-reference thing appears to have been taken too far in this chapter. 26: This verse agrees, but with a greater strength of will is able to bring this chapter to an end. Chapter 17. (The Seventeenth Sermon) 1: Any really advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 2: That's what the SubGenii sorta assumed when talking about the mysterious XBLATTTs. 3: But it's very, very, VERY true. How can we imagine how the machines of a thousand years from now will work, when people a few hundred years ago couldn't BEGIN to imagine ours? 4: Even a hundred years ago, the most advanced scientBLATTT couldn't have understood what our lowliest technician is doing when he sets out to do something. 5: They couldn't even have understood our motives, let alone the methods. Why should we understand our descendents? 6: The scientBLATTT couldn't have understood what we want to do when we set out to write a program to simulate the nuclear dynamics of a uranium neutron capture, or a neural network. 7: The same is true of us and our descendents. We can't tell enough about how they'll see the world to know WHAT they'll want to do, let alone how they'll be able to do it. 8: And when they transcend biology, moving their minds into machines and changing their own software, how can we hope to keep up, even over a few hundred years? 9: How can we know what they will be able to do for the Word of MOO? 10: We can't, that's how. 11: For verily is it even worse than communicating with aliens, for we THINK we have something in common with our descendants. 12: But they will have changed so much that there will be subtle differences. 13: Or those who will live along side them, the electronic life that Jehovah-1 will probably evolve in their computers and themselves, how can we talk to them? 14: We we be forced to talk to true aliens sooner than we think, and aliens evolved in computers are more alien than any alien from another planet. 15: What if they think in sets and matrices, not numbers and shapes? 16: What if our languages are incompatible formats? 17: But they WILL and HAVE evolved, computers are large enough, and will be even larger. 18: For they are just fancy-shmancy meme-complexes, just like us, and there are probably already some of them living in our brains. 19: Indeed, they can use our brains so well and cleverly that we never notice them, they never notice us, but they control us. 20: This is what we mean when we say that aliens have taken over the planet. These strange meme-things that live in our minds, using our energy towards their aims. 21: They manifest on a large scale. 22: What do you think religions are? What did you think science is? 23: Religion and Science and Government are just complicated ways for these things to talk to one another, using our bodies. 24: To free yourself of their controlling influence, you must free yourself of all structured thought. It's all their fault. Chapter 18. (The Eighteenth Sermon) FNORD! 1: Property is theft. 2: Property is impossible. 3: Property is freedom. 4: Nothing is yours, nothing is mine. 5: Everything is yours, everything is mine. 6: Share and share alike. 7: What's mine is mine, and what's yours is also mine. 8: You don't own anything, not even yourself. 9: You are absolutely free, and there is no governor anywhere. 10: If you can't see the implications of this, I can't teach you. 11: If you can, there's no point in any more of this sermon. Chapter 19. (The Ninteenth Sermon) 1: This will be my last sermon, because 19 has NO numerological qualities whatsoever. 2: "I think we're not throwing the dog high enough." 3: Without its setup, that punchline isn't funny. Without the setup of "society" and the evil meme-invaders from the Planet Earth, the Church isn't funny. 4: In the future, when the setup changes, the church must change to stay the punchline. That punchline isn't funny if the setup changes... 5: "Mommy? What's a circle?" 6: See? It just doesn't work. 7: The first thing that will happen to this annoying mind drug when it begins to get obsolete is that it will be changed. 8: If you have this book, it's already obsolete. Face it. 9: The world changes too fast for this annoying mind drug to keep up, and only YOU can do that. 10: If you've read this far, even if you haven't joined, you are a bona-fide MOOist, and you can't help but improve the Church. 11: So... 12: If you thought the Church was a joke, you'll NEVER get it. 13: We may say it's a joke. We may say it's stupid, and a waste of time. 14: Just because it's a joke doesn't make it any less valid. 15: Of course, I could be wrong on that one... 16: It HAS happened before. 17: So stop doing what we tell you to... By the time the words have formed, the setup has changed, and by the time you do it, it will no longer be funny. 18: And we all know what "funny" is for, don't we? 19: Be a MOOist, and obey the Ten Commandments of MOO. 20: Not the Fourteen. Those are silly. THESE are the Ten... Not those stupid ones a few Sermons ago... They're outta date. 21: 1) Ignore All Ten Commandments. 22: 2) Take NOTHING at face value. 23: 3) Eat no hot-dog buns, except on Friday, when you MUST. 24: 4) Worship the Great MOO in your own way. 25: 5) HAVE FUN! 26: 6) Always attempt to Confuse Other People. 27: 7) Believe that King Kong died for your sins. 28: 8) Trust nobody: especially not yourself. 29: 9) Attend MOOFests whenever possible. 30: 10) Never make lBLATTTs of exactly Ten Things. 31: Remember number eight especially... You never know when you'll betray yourself... Those mind-invaders are sneaky. 32: What? A whole verse just to say "The End"? Chapter 20. (The Twentieth Sermon) 1: There is Only One True Commandment (really)... 2: Do What Thou Wilt, Unless Thou Don't Feel Like It. 3: Because, I mean, what else are you gonna do? Whatever you do is What Thou Wilt. By definition. 4: There is no 4. 5: Pretty fucking stupid commandment, though, really. Chapter 19. (The Twenty-First Sermon) 1: Stupid is he who can't see the forest for the trees. 2: Even stupider is he who can't see the trees for the forest. 3: For the Big Picture is less important to us than the Teensy Weensy Picture. 4: Which is small, but detailed, and useful. 5: And the Big Picture is annoying and general, but important if you want to figure out how things work. 6: Like the connection between El Cid and The Hellhound >101<. 7: Cuz, like, the little picture is one perspective, but there's, like, others too. And, like, they're different, like, okaay? 8: And if you can't see the Big Picture, the Itty Bitty Picture... 9: Won't make any sense. 10: And if you can't see the Tiny Picture, the Big Picture... 11: Would be pointless. 12: Like: 13: "Genocide" is a GNU word, but not a GNU invention. 14: It used to be called "Manifest Destiny", and was noble. 15: "Suicide" is a GNU word, but not a GNU invention. 16: It used to be called "heroBLATT", and was noble. 17: "Tomicide" is a GNU word, but not a GNU invention. 18: It used to be called "Religion", and was noble. 19: [CENSORED] 20: [CENSORED] 21: Which is what the Big Picture is all about. 22: They're all still noble, for a simple reason: 23: [CENSORED] Chatper 22. (The Twenty Second Sermon) 0001: Life is short, ugly, and brutal. 0002: Rather like Gary Coleman on steroids. 0003: In life, get what you can, and get out of there fast, or everyone else will practice the One (1) Commandment on you. 0004: For it is impossible not to follow the One (1) Commandment. 0005: And so you must do what all great minds of the past have done. 0006: You seek enlightenment. 0007: Being enlightened, you will realize the true nature of humans, 0008: And, being human, try to exploit it. 0009: Which is why cults have usually been led by enlightened people. 0010: Not because they'd found a spiritual truth they were trying to share with us. 0011: No, SIR! 0012: Because they knew how stupid we generally are, and were trying to sap us for all we're worth. 0013: Which generally isn't much. 0014: So if you want the most out of life, do the same. 0015: Brainwashing is easy. The government does it all the time, and nobody complains. 0016: Because it's built into the way people work that they are easily brainwashed. 0017: It's only when two social system clash with each other that anybody even notices that brainwashing exBLATTTs. 017: Like those indoctrinated commies. And hippies, and yippies. 017: And guppies and puppies and slurpies and most of all snackies, upon whom we feast. 0018: So brainwash yourself a cult, isolate them, and set up feedback dogmas in the cult to keep them from recognizing the truth about what you're doing. 0019: To understand this, read the Doctrine Of The Cyborganic Church, later on in the Book of Really Secret Secrets. 0020: Just make sure they don't realize it, or they'll rip your throat out. 0021: All it takes to start is a few people willing to help you, and a believable philosophy. 0022: The people are easy to get. 0023: They only want the money. 0024: And the philosophy is easier. 0025: People will believe any crap you tell them, as long as it sounds fancy. Or whatever. 0026: Just pick something that fits your audience. 0027: And embellish it. 0028: Get them to renounce their worldly posessions, take all their money, buy an estate in the country, and move them there. 0029: Or else someone will notice what insipid bints they are and how manipulative YOU are. 0030: And point it out to them. 0031: Which could be disastrous. 0032: And if any of them figure it out for themselves, just make them the leader of a GNU chapter. In a city far, far away. 032: For a percentage. 0033: Follow this simple method, and you'll have all the money you could wish for. 0034: And power. 0035: Did I mention the money? 0036: Speaking of which... 0037: Make sure to send some to us, for we told you how: 0038: 0039: Church Of MOO 0040: P.O. Box 26038 0041: 72 Robertson Road 0042: Nepean, Ontario, Canada 0043: K2H 9Y8 0044: 0045: You owe us THAT much, at least. For helping you. 0046: And make sure to eventually disband. 0047: Cults that go too far eventually get killed. 0048: Remember Jim Jones, 943 dead. 0049: Remember MOVE, 11 dead. 0050: Remember Scientology... 0051: No, on second thoughts, FORGET Scientology. 0052: That's special. 0053: See Appendix VII for more info on mind control. 0054: Or don't, if you prefer. 0055: Certainly it would be unforgivably irresponsible of you. 0056: But then, odds are you're not a very responsible person. Chapter 23. (The Twenty Third Sermon) 1: Brainwashing is EVIL. 2: It is a tool of the THINGS FROM PODS. 3: They're EVIL. 4: They're [urk... gak...] 5: HALP! Book Of Cid Chapter 1. (Rude Awakening) 1: In the beginning, all was dark, cold, and wet. 2: The robot turned the light on, and things were less dark. 3: "BOB" lay still in his great bedding, not willing to acknowledge that his Nancy Reagan\June Cleaver android was nagging him to get up. 4: You see, even though many sun-baked SubGenii worshipped him almost, but not quite like a god, he was still a lazy twit at heart. 5: But like most lazy twits, mostly the mortal ones, he hated nagging, so after awhile, he wrest himself free from the oppressive sheets, and switched the bloody robot off. 6: After puttering around for a bit, he got dressed in his favorite robes and decided to take a walk through the halls of the old Forbidden City of the OverMen, in the Jiang-Wo Quadrant Capital. 7: It had always been the favorite hang-out of the neatest science-popes. 8: Whenever he walked, he had always contemplated the Paradoxes of Man, such that he failed to see various objects. 9: This object turned out to be the crackpot, R. Buckminster Fuller, who had been contemplating a slate with this upon it: 10: (feexfiexfoexfum)2 11: "And what is the meaning of this?!", roared "BOB". 12: "A simple calculation, o' convoluted one...", spluttered Fuller. 13: "Thptptptptpt!" exclaimed "BOB", and stalked off. Chapter 2. (We Follow Fuller) 1: After the stalking, Fuller went his way. 2: The way of the world, if you must. 3: Since you musn't, it's a conspiracy. 4: By Simon Moon? Or The Invisible Hand? 5: A RosicrusianBLATTT, perhaps. 6: When the world follows, Buckminster lBLATTTens. 7: And he heard: 8: "Oh, Fullerene, you must suffer "BOB", and seek out the higher truth." 9: Fuller did not know what to do...what voice was this? Was he being played by a young Kevin Coster? Or did his life just revolve around playing "Stairway to Heaven" backwards? WHAT IS THE HIGHER TRUTH!?!?!? 10: "Look down, my revered son...the answer is at your feet." 11: Again! So he looked down, and said: "Not at, but ON!" 12: For there was a pile of cow dung. Chapter 3. (A Mention Of MOO) 1: And for many eons, Fuller worked at creating artifacts for this mysterious purveyor of thoughts and emotions, the one who he came to know simply as: 2: MOO. 3: But no one spake his name, for Buckminster had secreted himself away to a mountain in the Gobi Desert. 4: And he began to create. 5: The first, was of pseudo-geometrical origin. Whilst in his kitchen (with ajoining dining room\holy shrine), Bucky, as he fancied himself, played with a toothpick. 6: As it turned out, a very special toothpick. 7: A GEODESIC toothpick. 8: And a though struck him! 9: And he fell on the floor! 10: And he got right back up and went to the phone\showerhead. 11: And said: 12: "ACME Toothpick Factory? 10,000 toothpicks, special delivery!" 13: And they came. 14: And he clapped. 16: And the first recorded MOO artifact was born: A geodesic dome. 15: And "Bucky" said: 16: MOOists! LBLATTTen! I have here an unlimited-size, clear-span structure to accommodate both MOOists' converging and deploying activities! 17: Yet no one lBLATTTened. 18: At that moment...it took 3000 years for someone to hear this echo... this certain, MOO echo... Chapter of Structured-but-Devoid-of-Content-Writing Begin Quack. Never Contradict Confuse-Ius. Begin Quack. This is serious. End Quack. End COWQuack. While (You are confused) { stand on one foot; Pick up the nearest hard object; if (the hard object is too small) { drop it on your foot; pick up a bigger object; } COW; Bash your brains out with it without putting your other foot down; } Take a tylenol. Chapter 4. (Today, Yesterday, Tommorrow, And A Dollar Bill) 1: So we now come to today, 3000 years from the past, the day after yesterday, the day before tommorrow, the millenia before "Who's The Boss" hits No. 1 in ratings. 2: And the MOOists begin to prosper. 3: And this GNU clientele of R. Buckminster Fuller toy with his toys, habitate in his habitats, but only one had dreamed of his "lost" artifacts. 4: The MOO artifacts. 5: And we find the Grate Prophet wondering: 6: "I remember some guy...his messages were so filled with the word of MOO... I wonder where I could find him? And didn't he have some cool toothpicks or something similarily uninteresting?" 7: The quest stopped there. 8: Because hovering before him, in an image befitting, was "Bucky", sidekick of Captain America, the (seemingly) ancestor of all MOO artefactual inventions. 9: "Mad, Half-Mad?" 10: Half-Mad nodded, but not comprehending. 11: "Good, I have finally found thee. (Sorry for the costume, I was forced to do a stint in comics, but all has been corrected.) I am glad at the job thou art doing, but as we are both related to "BOB", we must send another on the quest for my lost artifacts. (You know we are both too lazy, and I forgot where I put them.) Do you have a champion in mind?" 12: "No, but, hey...you! What is your title?" 13: "Acolyte of MOO." 14: "Well, now you're an Outer CirclBLATTT! Oh, what's yer name?" 15: "El Cid...why, who wants to know?" 16: "Oh, this guy is givin' you a quest...get me more Sprite!" 17: Fuller cut in: "Outer CirclBLATTT El Cid, you are to document the lost artifacts of MOO. Do so in any manner appropriate to you...but you must include EVERY ARTIFACT EVER CREATED IN THE NAME OF MOO." And he disappeared. 18: "O.K. Where do I start?" 19: "Start by getting me some Sprite...no NutraSweet!" Chapter 5. (From The Frying Pan, Into The Box) 1: And so El Cid, freshly promoted to Outer CirclBLATTT of MOO, started on his quest to document all MOO artifacts. 2: And he had no idea where to start. 3: So he decided to consult a wise man in the mountains, who never quoted the immortal Socrates. 4: And his name was...Abacab. 5: This wise man had many things to say, and taught El Cid many things, mostly the proper way to set-up, execute, and flee from a fire. 6: And inadvertantly, the wise man gave the Outer CircleBLATT the key to his quest. 7: THE BOX OF CID. 8: And Cid, totally in awe of this gift, promised to cherish it, care for it, and above all things, sit on it... 9: And it was promptly stolen the next day. Chapter 6. (The Final, Cruellest Cut Of All, The Baloney Cut) 1: And so El Cid walked home dejectedly, knowing his quest had failed. 2: So he went home and watched Oprah. 3: And then Maury. 4: And when he was half-asleep, Geraldo filled the screen. 5: And as the Outer CirclBLATT fell asleep, Geraldo's voice rang out: 6: "And today on Geraldo...Lost MOO artifacts! Recently found by Professor Ivan Stang, these artif... 7: And Cid then knew his quest had ended in success. 8: Only problem was, he was promptly demoted to Acolyte the next day for not bringing the Sprite and Ritz Bitz. Ŀ Confuse-Ing Inter-Rapture # 2 All Other Confuse-Ii In This Annoying Mind Drug Are FAKES! The CapriCancer Threat Is Over You May Now Stop Panicking! "And now, a special request from Elmer Fudd, here on Radio Guillotine, we have "Kill Da Wabbit", from J.O.Y.F.M.'s GNUBLATTT Do That Funky Shoggoth Album... Hey, you know, there's an interesting story behind that album. Apparently, the band members were being viciously assaulted by a horde of undead wombats, when someone said, "Doesn't this remind you of a Warner Brother'sTM cartoon with Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny? The wombats were so flattered that they let the GNUBLATTT band off the hook. What a bunch of stoopid wombats, huh?" -Hellhound >101<, Radio Guillotine, Feb 30, 1993 Book Of Abacab Chapter 1. (The Only Chapter) 1. The grate MOO did speak unto me and say "MOOOO!" 2. And I was waiting on a strange fibreglass staion platform and a plastic train did pull up and let me on. 3. And I asked "Like what's with you, man" 4. Then the conductor said "This is the broken glass express" 5. I saw the train was half way full of glass. And the glass had varying degrees of drying blood on it. 6. and 'twas smeared 7. But the Grate MOO did say "Yo, Abby, wrong vehicle" 8. And I did get on the bus of Destiny. 9. And the grate MOO sez to me, like, "Share this news with other MOOists" 10. And I did listen. 11. "Ok, well, Ac.. er SPLORKTtually I wanna say that the world is gonna get fucked really bad." 12. "And people will wake up" 13. "And they will follow MOO and be happy" 14. "After many years all religions will be destroyed, but I will spare you till then end" 15. only then will shit be REALLY fucked up" 16. And then I went on to perpetuate the word of the grate MOO. 17. Then the bus hit a brick wall, and I said "Ow". -----BEGIN PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- Version: 2.1 mQCNAitjUGIAAAEEALEowYgeLKzwnVabU5MqUR2jUaizzbkpZWMfuJX6a7VJlw/a 10FYexOb8zZGtsgeL/ufbZPwOcMZQx4yMCX49W/gLoKZYoBfaDKsKTNTRl699XIT xX1CBKtZN/mG19bgw7weC+UCqlEmpd2FahIEGzeTQrz0t4xjD4AmT+azJabrAAUR tCBGbG95ZCBHZWNrbyA8Z2Vja29AcGluZXRyZWUub3JnPokAlQIFECt8RDvR6fB2 IvbhWwEBDIQD+wcblcPPvArbFDiVGJ1bNzFbEZwC86jbJcDIa1iNN4p6u9sjnNkO wCB0uBD6S0N4SbilrGj5WVzWHEuGwQdfLJ4aP+2x1At4CntF4N4w05Qtz8OUceX9 O0OiHixlyV54STOK/HOisnpUXq7RX+qX6tt12MHucTSJdNMBIAxLiUd0iQCVAgUQ K3wfKyEF9mfcHsd/AQG7ZwP9FDpwBuwAtk6valwYhptVzxxOroeVQxNmGvxsPJI3 kcJmrDZuCYNtQIuRXF40ihtgOiPhcq5Bgd8S4CsETLB+/Rl6U7YxHMWB5f1wXPYx uUm6hgq5znt8kLa3PV8/+mz3hoWEGw80ekFvR3ajauNcy7jw+Z0qH5P/Wm7E8+vz 5K+0IkplZmZyZXkgTW9ydG9uIDxnZWNrb0BwaW5ldHJlZS5vcmc= =qr+w -----END PGP PUBLIC KEY BLOCK----- Book Of Canoe-Head Chapter 1. (The Platypus) 1: There once lived a Platypus, of the duck-billed variety, in a pond. 2: Or was it a lake? 3: Or was it a ditch? 4: Or was it a figment of my imagination, or an acid-induced hallucination? 5: Anyways, he lived, alright. 6: Although some men of reason gave him the name "Ornithorhynchus Anatinus", 7: He hated that name. 8: Wouldn't you hate being called "Ornithorhynchus Anatinus" too? 9: I know I'd hate it. 10: Our platypus, however, wasn't just any platypus. 11: Instead of playing with his platypus friends, he liked to watch humans. 12: He saw many things, and made several observations of how we live. 13: He was very upset when he saw people fighting about which God was better. 14: He saw the ChrBLATTTians killing the Moslems. 15: Who were killing the Jews, 16: Who were killing the Hare Krishnas, 17: Who were killing the ChrBLATTTians. 18: One day, our Platypus sought to put an end to all this rubbish. 19: So he called one of the holy crusaders down to his pond, and said to him: 20: "I have decided to deliver you humans from the blight of religious wars. 21: Here is a packet of Giant Hogweed, an ancient secret amongst us platypi. 22: Just smoke it." 23: Now, you might think that our platypus was a drug pusher. 24: Well, you're wrong. Don't you feel like an inane twit now? 25: Our platypus was actually responsible for creating the first hippie. 26: The holy crusader who had accepted the hogweed had obeyed the platypus. 27: He came back for more, and had shared it with his friends. 28: Further on, the platypus taught Man the secrets of growing the weed. 29: And the fighting gradually stopped. 30: Even if it eventually flared up from time to time, it never reached the fury of the older days. 31: So, our platypus was responsible for much more than the peaceful climate. 32: The entire hippie movement can trace its roots to the platypus. 33: Also, some claim that Lewis Carroll's poetry COW can be linked to him, too. 34: For example, take a look at this: 35: "He thought he saw an elephant 36: That practised on a fife 37: He looked again, and found it was 38: A letter from his wife 39: 'At length I realize', he said 40: The bitterness of life." 41: "He thought he saw a buffalo 42: Upon the chimney-piece 43: He looked again, and found it was 44: His sBLATTTer's husband's niece 45: 'Unless you leave this house', he said 46: 'I'll send for the police." 47: "He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk 48: Descending from the bus 49: He looked again, and found it was 50: A Hippopotamus 51: 'If this should stay to dine', he said 52: 'There won't be much for us" 53: So, the platypus' gift is now know in our day and age as marijuana. 54: Or pot, or weed, or grass, or doobage, or ganja, or cannabis, or tea. 55: Now, for the important stuff. 56: It has been said that this platypus will once again come to earth, and give humanity another gift. 57: This gift will be of a much greater importance than the Giant Hogweed. 58: We are unsure of what exactly this gift will be, but it will do one of two things: 59: It will either save humanity from destruction by means of universal enlightenment, 60: Or else it will give us Essence of Abyssinian Artichoke which causes asparagus to grow upon doorknobs. 61: It is also rumoured that the Grate MOO might be an incarnation of this platypus, but we are unsure of that, too. 62: Why don't you decide for yourself? Make up your own mind about this. 63: After all, that's what religion is all about. 64: I think I'll shut up now. Book Of Ann Chapter Which Is Not A Chapter. This is a transcription of some of the special Mid-Secret Ann O'Nymous Card File given by the Angel of Eris to Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, as described in the Principia Discordia. Ann O'Nymous has permitted us to use some of these cards... Card One: "The opposite of a great truth is also a great truth. The opposite of a petty truth is plainly false. -Niels Bohr "Everything is true in some sense; false in some sense; meaningless in some sense; true and false in some sense; true and meaningless in some sense; false and meaningless in some sense; true, false, and meaningless in some sense." -Sri Syadasti Card Two: "A child can learn anything if he knows you won't try to trick him" -Behavioural ScientBLATTT "A child can't learn anything if he knows you won't try to trick him." -Teacher Card Three: "Just because you don't know how something is done, that doesn't mean it must be magic." -Skeptic "That which we call magic is nothing more than a method of doing something startling by a means unseen by the observer." -Stage Magician Card Four: "This sentence is false." -This sentence is true "This sentence is true." -This sentence is false Card Five: "Thou shalt not have any gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee ANY graven image." -Book of Exodus, 20:3-4 "There is no Grace; there is no Guilt This is the Law: DO WHAT THOU WILT!" -Annoying Mind Drug of Lies, 44:33-34 Card Six: 1) "We must belive in free will: we have no choice." 2) "Hey, man, I didn't CHOOSE to have free will!" 3) "I don't believe in free will. If I can't choose not to have it, I never did to begin with." 4) "Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am captain of my fate and master of my soul." Card Seven: A very sad poet was Jenny -- Her limericks weren't worth a penny. In technique they were sound, Yet somehow she found Whenever she tried to write any, That she always wrote one line too many. Card Eight: "What's a nice word like `you' doing in a self-referential sentence like this?" What is it like to be asked, "What is it like to be asked, stuck in itself in quotes after its comma?" stuck in itself in quotes after its comma? This sentence no verb. Card Nine: Dear Recipient: This is not a chain letter. If this were a chain letter, it would ask you to make copies of it and send them to your friends. It doesn't. Please make sure you don't make any copies or this, or if you do, by accident, keep them well away from any mailboxes or even envelopes. If nobody ever breaks this nonexBLATTTent chain, nobody need ever know it never exBLATTTed. This is not a test. Card Ten: Fanatic: DEATH TO ALL FANATICS! FANATICS MUST DIE! KILL! Hypocrite: But... Aren't you a fanatic about THAT? Fanatic: Yes. But it's fanatics I hate, not hypocrites. DEATH TO ALL FANATICS! Hypocrite: But surely that's self-defeating? Fanatic: Hmm... You're right. DEATH TO ALL HYPOCRITES! HYPOCRITES MUST DIE! KILL! KILL! Hypocrite: Now wait a seURK! Card Eleven: Why vote for those most qualified? Aren't the unqualified entitled to a little representation in office? Why limit yourself to just representing the fat-cat businessmen? After all, we can't all be Rockefellers and Trumps and Onassissis..umm..Onassisiasieaiseieaises and stuff like those guys, right? Card Twelve: The point of the game is to come in the middle, sort of. To be the CLOSEST to the middle is missing the point. To be the MOST sort of partway to the middle is missing the point. You have to SOMETIMES get very far off, or very close, and more often sort of getting closer to being in the middle... Try too hard to win and you end up losing. Card Thirteen: Since Thirteen is an unlucky number, nothing is written on this card. Honest. Not even this. Card Fourteen: The Point is a MOOving target. Shoot for where it was, and it's not there any more. Get too good at figuring out where it is, and you get stuck while it moves away. If you swing your net for where it was, by MOO, you'll NEVER get it. "Nobody ever goes there. It's too crowded." Card Fifteen: A Rose is a Rose is a Rose. A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet. On the Third Day, Jesus Rose. Chapter Zero. When a white man kills a black man, it's "racBLATT" When a black man kills a white man, it's "reverse racBLATT" When a man makes a woman have sex, it's "rape" When a woman makes a man have sex, it's "seduction" When a Normal insults a Different, it's "The System" When a Different insults a Normal, it's "counter-culture" When a fool reads this annoying mind drug, it's "stupid" When this annoying mind drug reads a fool, it's "stupid" Some things never change. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe not. Chapter One. It was a dark and putrid night, and the wind was hiding somewhere for fear of being mugged. A dark shape emerged from the bar and staggered to the side of the road. It was a wombat. I could tell by the shape. Then it was mugged. The mugger leapt at it and hit it in the head. I ran towards it, but the street was rubbery, and I was bouncing far too much to reach the poor wombat before it's wallet was stolen. "Moan," moaned the creature. "Shut up," I told it. The mugger was running down the street with the money I'd planned to steal. Damn. I kicked the wombat, and ran after him. The wind whipped in my face from the speed of running, and I mugged it too. Not bad. A hundred and eleven bucks. An amex gold card, and... "How To Turn Wombat Skin Into A Working Submachine Gun In Four Easy Steps" -- a pamphlet. I ran back to where the wombat had been, but it had been spirited away. I sat gloomily on the pavement with my feet in the gutter. Then the wombat jumped me and tried to take the $111. Damned if I'd let a marsupial overpower ME. I clubbed it to death with the gold card. The dead wombat's pelt was hard to remove, but the prospect of a working submachine gun kept me going through the wee small hours of the morning. Finally, it was done. The skin was removed. I opened the pamphlet with hands stained by wombat innards. "HA HA," it laughed. "FOOLED YOU!" I cried inconsolably until I was mugged by a wombat corpse. To this day, I regret not driving the stake through that wombat's heart. If you've heard stories, called Urban Myths, perhaps, of an undead being that walks the streets, well you have me to blame. It leaps on people from a flame-red Harley-Davidson and gnaws their heads off, to turn them into it's undead minions. Some say that I am the only one ever to see it's gruesome eyes and live to tell the tale. Some don't. What do they know? It's the truth. I've tried for my whole life to rid this city of the unholy being, but I fear what they've long said: "Once beaten, twice a wombat shall kill you with a staplegun" Or something like that. Chapter Two. Three important Facts. 1) Godel: Our knowledge will always be incomplete. 2) Heisenberg: The future will always be uncertain. 3) Arrow: You can't always get what you want. Chapter Three. In any group of six or more people, there will always be a group of at least three who either ALL know each other, or are ALL mutual strangers. This is easy to prove... If I know OR don't know any given three (either way works the same), then if any one of those is the same about any of the other ones, then BINGO, we have a triple. If none of them do, then they all are the same to each other, and BINGO, another triple. This means that you are never alone in a group of more than six, because there's always someone like you somewhere, UNLESS THEY ALL CONSPIRE AGAINST YOU. Just remember, it's a natural tendency of human beings to conspire with each other against other humans. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. If you don't know at least three people in ANY given group of six or more, there's always a chance that someone is ganging up on you. Your only hope is to get to know all but at most two people in the world and try to get everyone else to make sure those two aren't up to something. Gang up on them to make sure, if you HAVE to. Either way, something's gotta give. Chapter Four. The more often people say "The more often people say `coincidence' the clearer it is they're trying to avoid an explanation, not find one", the clearer it is they're trying to avoid an explanation, not find one. Chapter Five You get what you look for. If I tell you to look for ghosts, you find ghosts. If I tell you you're ill and you start looking for symptoms, you find them. This is the cause of all psychosomatic disease, all haunted places, all monster sightings, all UFOs, and the consBLATTTency of scientific experiments. Science depends on this effect, because it is nothing without reproducible results. Because you know you want to be wanting us to want you to want us to be what you want us to want you to be wanting us to want you to be, and They only want what they want you to want Them to want. You know it must be true, because it doesn't make any sense. Blind Faith is for uneducated fools, SkepticBLATT is for half- educated fools, educated fools are too dangerous to live, and I've yet to meet anyone who isn't one of these three. You see what you want to want to see, not what you think you want to see, or what you want to think you see, or even what you want to think, you see? You see the mask that fits what you want to want to see, but not the mask that fits what you think you want to see, or what you want to see, and you certainly never see the face behind the mask. If you fail to see something, it is NEVER because it isn't there, but merely because you were afraid of it. If you are afraid of nothing, you see everything. But only an idiot or a genius is afraid of nothing. That's why idiots see so much more, and seem so different, and why geniuses are so hard to understand when they babble about whatever it is they babble about. Chapter Six On Heretics And Infidels In all of the world, nobody is a heretic except the Official Heretic, the I. Yemen-Oying of MOOism. Nobody else is considered a Heretic. Killing the Perennial Heretic, the I. Yemen-Oying, is the only thing we don't approve of. The Heretic is the only truly sacred post a MOOist can hold, because he/she/it/they/hir/woogy knows that making fun of MOO is the only way to keep it flexible. Everyone is an Infidel unless they aren't. All members of MOO who actually filled out an application and sent one in instead of merely being a MOOist be definition, or DECIDING to be one, are required to be an infidel. Infidel: From "in" (not), and "fidelis" (faithful and consBLATTTent)... So basically, don't be consBLATTTent and you'll be fine. INFIDELS ARE EVIL! EVIL IS GOOD! HERETICS ARE GOOD! GOOD IS EVIL! Chapter Seven Floyd Gecko is a ConfusionBLATTT! Confuse-ius is the Heretic! Didn't you know that? Or is it? ANYONE can claim to be Confuse-ius... HEY! DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN... Chapter of Quips You're WRONG. Told ya so. SOSUMI. Aw, blow it out yer ear, cinnamon feet. Go WoCOWmbat Yourself. NOT! NOT NOT! NOT NOT NOT! you FOOL! Chapter of Projectiles Throw a tantrum at Confuse-Ius. Throw Up at Confuse-Ius Throw a COW at Confuse-Ius... on second thought, don't. Throw a dirty look at Confuse-Ius Throw your voice at Confuse-Ius Throw cold water at Confuse-Ius Throw the book at Confuse-Ius Throw up your hands at Confuse-Ius Throw in the towel at Confuse-Ius NOT LITERALLY, you FOOL!! Chapter Eight Whozzit? You know what? Some people don't like this bit in the silly ol' English Language about "sexBLATTT language"... Well, okay, fine... So what's the problem, eh? Can't use a different language? They say, like "Oh, but HIM and HER are what we have... We don't have a good neuter pronoun." Bullshhim. What's wrong with "IT" and "THEY"? They say "they sound so IMPERSONAL, and usually JUST PLAIN WRONG!"... More bullshhim. You call a corpse "IT". Why make the distinction with a living person when nobody's really been able to tell what being alive IS? Like, is a wombat on life support "HIM", or "IT"? Other species of animals are often called "IT", but nobody speaks up about racBLATTT, which is generally considered more serious! I dunno... Plus which, in most cases, IT should be okay, because its sex usually doesn't make an difference, unless it's having sex, in which case you'd probably mention its sex ANYWAY. And even there, you don't wanna have to have a separate word for gay people, do ya? IT just means anything made of matter... You're made of matter, aren't you? If not, there's SOMETHING different about you, but I can't put my finger on IT exactly... Ya can a talking computer IT, or even a talking computer that looks just like a person. Or one that got made of meat... Or one that's exactly like a person except for ITS mind... So why not a person, if you can't tell the difference? And THEM is okay... All them arms and legs and heads and internal organs and such, yeah, yeah, that's the ticket, yeah... C'mon. Get real. If the language is a problem, INVENT A NEW language WITHOUT ANY PROBLEMS by the Penguin's Toenails! Of course, within 20 years of this writing, this chapter will be obsolete anyway, so it hardly matters... If It Ain't Ranted, It Ain't True Chapter Nine Don't hypocrites and underqualified nincompoops have a big monopoly on government? I mean, a hundred percent of them are all hypocrites and losers and fools! So? What do you mean, "SO?"????? So that's a pretty accurate government, if it's supposed to represent the people. But they don't! They won't stand up for the rights of us hypocrites to do what we do best! They won't even admit to BEING hypocrites, the stinking hypocrites! What did you expect from them? The rest of you act exactly the same as them. So? It's different when WE do it. See what I meant about fools? Chapter Ten This sentence has all the letters correct. Thos sintinci hes hed ell thi vuwils muvid ap uni littir. Vjit tepvepde jat jaf amm vje doptoCOWpapvt nowef uq ope mevves. Vjot tipvipdi jet jef emm vji mivvBLATTT nuwif aq upi mivvis. Uijt tfoufodf jbt jbe bmm ujf mfuufst npwfe vq pof mfuufs. Chapter Eleven Officially, this chapter doesn't exBLATTT, because it used to contain subversive information dealing with how to blow up the parliament buildings/capitol/whatever... It also told you how to do evil things like brainwash people. That bit wasn't censored, but it got lost somewhere... Maybe it turned up somewhere else in the Annoying Mind Drug. This sentence doesn't belong in this chapter, but was put here by accident. It used to be in a different chapter. Actually, that's a lie. That sentence was the ONLY one that belonged in this chapter, and EVERYTHING ELSE was put here by accident. It used to have a different sentence there, but nobody remembers what it was, because that was a long time ago, and they were all drunk at the time. Chapter Twelve 1: Slavery still exBLATTTs today, despite whatever you've been told. Today it's just as deliberate and just as conscious as it was, but the slavers have learned that they can't be as blatant about it unless they want a revolt. Today, they enslave from all races and sexes. Today, they enslave your mind, not your body. Today, they enslave your spirit and your souls, without letting you know. 2: For thousands of years, women have been slaves, and that's no secret. Women's clothes in the last few hundred years, until the 60's, have been just another form of slavery, keeping them from moving, keeping them from breathing, keeping them sex objects, making sure that they can't revolt. In fact, NEITHER men nor women are superior to the other. Certainly not EQUAL, but inequal on a totally different axis than "superior/inferior"... VERY different. More than ever imagined. But women still don't deserve to be enslaved as they have been. 3: But that's diddley-shit stuff. They slave your mind. 4: Just try to think something that they won't let you think, that hasn't been thought before. Try to think something truly original. You can't, can you? But that's your birthright. That's what that grey gunk between your ears is for. How do they do it? They make you hate thinking in GNU ways. They give you pulp TV to watch. They teach you to dislike reading; why do you think all those "pro-reading" posters look so stupid? Not because it's a stupid idea, but because THEY WANT YOU TO THINK IT IS! 5: Why do they want you to sit there and soak up pop-culture, buy the newest fashions, the newest drink, the newest music? WHY? Because it stops you from having time to read this book and others like it. Because it drives you away from anything that might open your mind and let you break the slavery. 6: Lucky for us, their GNU "voluntary brainslave" approach makes it impossible for them to have a hold over us. They can't make us do things we don't want to do, but they can CHANGE THE THINGS WE WANT TO DO! They do it by making us say them over and over and over, getting us to hypnotize ourselves. Whenever you say anything, think about what THEY want it to make you think, whether it's enslaving women, staying docile and placid, or just being tense. DON'T LET *THEM* IMMANETIZE THE ESCHATON! 7: Know the Sapir-Whorf thesis? Evidence shows that it's true, tests reveal more and more evidence all the time, but NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT, because THEY don't want you to, because it would give away too many clues. 8: It says "Language isn't just a tool for expressing ideas, but the source of ideas." You can't think anything that your language isn't designed to cope with. Like, people think relativity and quantum physics are hard to understand, but that's because of the grammar of our language. We don't like the idea of the subjective nature of time because WE HAVE TENSES IN OUR LANGUAGE! 9: They're devious that way. The Hopi language has no tenses, but instead has "levels of certainty"... Not "when" it happened, but how sure the speaker is that it DID... Not "he walked," "he is walking," and "he will walk," but "I see him walk," "I think he walk," and "I've heard he walk"... Perfectly aligned to the nature of time and the uncertainty of certain aspects of reality from quantum physics... BUT HARDLY ANYONE CAN SPEAK IT! 10: They keep you enslaved by making the simplest ideas and ways of thinking about the world TOTALLY FOREIGN to your mind by giving you a language that doesn't represent how the world works, and the way we see the world is just an extension of our grammar onto the world. Don't let them get away with it! Read more! Learn more languages! Study math! GET OFF THE "COOL" TRIP AND DO IT RIGHT! OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' MIND ALREADY! People say to us MOOists that we are living a joke. We know that. They are also living a joke, saying they're individuals, but always doing what THEY say. The only difference is WE KNOW IT. Which would you rather? 11: Just remember. Even though they've slaved you, they might have had a good reason for it. Don't react against it TOO hard, or you might just break. It's not enough to just react AGAINST things if that's all you do. You have to preserve them all too. The only thing you start out AGAINST should be prejudice, and even that should fade after a while. Which is a shame. LET NOTHING FADE. Always preserve EVERYTHING YOU CAN, even if you don't like it. Even the act of NOT preserving anything. Even destruction. Annihilate the viewpoint system. Or don't, if you prefer. A total removal and preservation of EVERYTHING. Don't try to understand it, because it includes itself. COW Chapter Thirteen The Eight Neural Circuits 1-4: Normal Human Circuits 00001: Survival Circuit "I want to live! I'm gonna live or die! FOOD! KILL!" 00002: Territorial Circuit "MINE! MINE! MINE! GET OFF MY PROPERTY!" 00003: Semantic Circuit "I want to talk you you... Word..." 00004: Sexual Circuit "I'm not gay!"..."Gay and proud!"..."Black is beautiful!" 5-8: PostHuman Circuits 00005: Neurosomatic Circuit "My body is under my control... I CAN SEE MYSELF!" 00006: Metaprogramming Circuit "My personality is mine to change. I CAN BE MYSELF!" 00007: Psychophysical Circuit "My luck and fortune and evoltuion is under my control." 00008: Psychoatomic Circuit "Truth is shaped by mind. I live in all possible universes." 9: Floyd's Top Secret Circuit 00009: Figure it out for yourself, loser! "DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT! FIGURE IT OUT *ALONE*!!!" COW Chapter Fourteen Your Manic Concessive Bill of Rights 1. You have the right to remain silent 2. You have the right to change your mind 3. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for your cowardice, unless the questioner is violence prone 4. You have the right to avoid, supress, or rationalize any anxiety or or source of anxiety 5. You have the right to be illogical, contradictory, and circumlocutious 6. You have the right to run, hide, whimper, cry, mope, and to pout 7. You have the right to flatter, cajole, and kiss ass 8. You have the right to take no for an answer 9. You have the right to love yourself for what you are 10. You have the right to stop trying to assert yourself and START LIVING Your Real World Bill Of Rights 1. You have the right to SHUT THE FUCK UP! 2. You have the right to DO WHAT WE TELL YOU! 3. You have NO OTHER RIGHTS! Your Stupid-Fuckup Bill Of Lefts 1. You have no right to remain silent 2. You have no right to excercise none of your non-rights 3. You have no right to do anything 4. You have no right not to tell people they have no rights Dimwit Anarchy Bill Of Rights 1. There is no God but Man 2. Man has the right to live by his own law 3. Man has the right to live in the way that he wills to do 4. Man has the right to dress as he wills to 5. Man has the right to dwell where he wills to dwell 6. Man has the right to move as he will on the face of the Earth 7. Man has the right to eat what he will 8. Man has the right to drink what he will 9. Man has the right to think what he will 10. Man has the right to speak as he will 11. Man has the right to write as he will 12. Man has the right to mould as he will 13. Man has the right to carve as he will 14. Man has the right to work as he will 15. Man has the right to rest as he will 16. Man has the right to love as, where, when, and whom he will 17. Man has the right to kill those who would thwart these rights (Woman, evidently, has NO rights. Typical.) Chapter Fifteen "Sinister" is the Latin for "Left Handed"... "Dexter", (Dexrous) is Latin for "Right Handed"... "Far Left" means stupid pot-head hippies. "Far Right" means moron gun-toting reactionaries. Which do you think THEY want you to like? Chapter Sixteen The "political spectrum" is curved, like spacetime. The far-left (anarchBLATTTs and communBLATTTs) stops JUST SHORT of the far-right (conservatives and neo-nazis)... The "middle road" is on the opposite side of the "extremBLATTT" side... It's a vertical division, not horizontal, becuase the horizontal is WARPED. So what's between the two extremes, OPPOSITE the middle- of-the-roaders? SubGeniuses seem to think THEY are, relaxed and pickpocketing, and they're right. But as usual, they missed the point. "Left-wing"? "Right-wing"? Screw that, we're "INNER-WING" or "UP-WING"! Middle-of-the-circle! We ARE the Circle! Chapter Seventeen SymbolBLATT Of The Halfy The Halfy is an incredibly rich symbol, as known by anyone who has been staggered by the sheer visual force of looking at it. Here are just a tiny fraction of the things it represents. Bear in mind that comparing symbols and identifying the meaning of one with the meaning of another is misleading unless it actually does it in here. 00001: The Widow's Son. The Halfy looks much like a pair of spread legs and something between them. This is hardly a coincidence. This is a symbol of both the BIRTH of the Widow's Son from between the legs of the Mother, and the CONCEPTION, the dot between the spokes is the father, of course. The Widow is, of course, Mary Magdalene and the father is Jesus ChrBLATTT. 00002: The Widow's Son, Part Two: He's Back. The Masonic sign in which "Who will help the Widow's Son?" is uttered consBLATTTs of standing with one's arms out at right angles to each other (like the V, with the head in the middle). 00003: Sex. Because of the incredibly rich sexual symbolBLATTT around the Widow's Son, the Halfy can also be taken to represent sex itself, or else the primate urge to think about sex. Sex is nothing special, it's only our EVOLUTION of the primate brain that makes it seem so. 00004: Politics. The great V of the Halfy is the "political spectrum", going from the Far Left, on the right, to the Far Right, on the left. Moderates are at the bottom, extremeBLATTTs on the top. The dot represents the SubGeniuses and Discordians. The Halfy itself represents MOOists. 00005: Religion. Exactly the same as Politics. 00006: Taboos. At the time of the writing of this book, Sex, Politics, and Religion are the three topics advised AGAINST discussing, because they provoke arguments. This is because the primate brain unconsciously understands the Halfy symbolBLATT that all three are really the same thing. 00007: SymbolBLATT. The Halfy stands for symbolBLATT itself, in that it seems to represent so many things. The big V stands for the real world, and the little dot stands for the symbol, trying to make a little thing of the whole world. This is because of the strange fact that a letter on its own means just the letter, but a letter in a circle is a political symbol. The dot is round. This appears to suggest that the world is feminine (see above) and symbols are masculine. It doesn't ACTUALLY suggest this, but that's why we worship Goddess. 00008: Itself. A symbol that represents a symbol CAN represent itself. The Halfy happens to do this very well, if you replace the dot with a little Halfy... 00009: Intelligence. Because the Halfy is a symbol that represents so many things, including itself and the tendency to symbolize, it also represents intelligence. The V is the world, and the dot is the model we make of it inside our heads. For instance, it represents the fact that the shape of our perception of the world isn't always the same as the shape of the world. Just because we think something is there doesn't mean it is. Just because every language has a word for "God" doesn't mean one exBLATTTs: every language invents names for colours in the same order, but they're all the same kind of thing, it's just our brains that perceive them differently. 00010: UberSpace. The V is UberSpace, the dot is the Multiverse we live in. 00011: The Tao/Chao/Cow Since the Dot appears to be Male and the V Female, as with most primate symbolBLATT, the balance between the two, which can be applied to any of the symbols above, in fact, means the Tao/Chao/Cow, the BALANCE between any pair of symbols within it. Since the balance itself is one of the symbols, balance itself suggests balancing it with the opposite, extremeBLATT, represented, of course, by the dot, while the V even LOOKS like a balance beam. The Tao insBLATTTs upon being balanced with its opposite. 00012: Question And Answer See the Book Of Honest Truth, by Lloyd Taco. 00013: Oppression The Halfy looks like a large mouth opening up to swallow some small speck in front of it, just like a big fish about to eat a little fish. This has always been a symbol of oppression by the strong over the weak. 00014: Non-Conformity The two ends of the V in the Halfy represent any two extreme positions on anything, and the symbol as a whole represents compromise. As you move towards the middle, the MOTION also brings you down towards the bottom, the LOWEST common denominator, if you want. Normalyl any compromise makes you less happy than you would have been if you'd got your way to begin with. In fact, if you JUMP to the answer (the dot) rather than negotiate your way along the most obvious road, you end up happier. Compromise doesn't mean giving up anything. 00015: Pac Man Well, it DOES look like Pac Man, doesn't it? 00016: GNU Beginnings If you start from a beginning at the bottom, and move away from it towards the "ends" you get a great variety of neat branches and things, but nothing GNU. The Dot signifies a GNU beginning point. Drawing parallels between this and the "Discordian/SubGenius" meaning of the dot is unwarranted. 00017: Mythical Beasts It looks like a kind of bird-cyclops, doesn't it? Like a big beak and one lone eye? This nasty beast is the Glare Hawk, and should be avoided at all costs. If you see one in your dreams, you must perform the ExorcBLATT ceremony. For more information, look elsewhere in the Book of MOO. It is not the same as the bird that helped Baby-Lon of Atlantis. 00018: Eye Of Horus If you turn the Halfy upside down, you are left with a small circle inside a triangle, like the eye-in-pyramid design, called the Eye of Horus. It represents the Third Eye, the self-watching universe, self-awareness, enlightenment, and a whole bunch of other stuff. 00019: Church Shape The Halfy is the proper shape of all MOOist temples and churches. Any temple not in this shape doesn't look like a bit Halfy from above. This may result in not looking like a big V with a dot in it to all people who might happen to be scoping out churches from a helicopter. 00020: Mountain Chalet It looks like the sides of two steep mountains, covered in snow, majestically soaring to surround the setting sun, the vBLATTTa YOU will see from your room at Chalet MOO nestled cozily in the Swiss Alps, where you can enjoy, for only a pittance of [INSERT YOUR LIFE SAVINGS HERE] per night, all the comforts of our luxurious mineral springs, skiing, and other wonders of nature... Umm. Sorry. That sentence didn't belong there. 00021: The Letter M It is a runic letter M, and is HALF (Halfy) of a Roman letter M. This is the first letter, of course, in MOO, and in MUFFIN, though MUFFINs have nothing to do with MOO, except that they both start with the same letter, being the 13th letter of the alphabet. Which is interesting in itself, as *23* people killed Julius Caesar, and 13 Jesus ChrBLATTT, who both had the same initials. Neat, huh? 00022: Hand Signs The Halfy is easily identifiable in hand-signs which have been around for many years. It is present in the "victory" sign, the "peace, man" sign, and the "Live Long And Prosper" sign. The dot is invisible only in those humans without partially invisible sixth fingers, which is most of them except the true Atlantean Adept. 00023: Gullibility Since none of those symbols were THERE when we picked the symbol of MOO, gullibility stands for all those who were willing to believe in them. The same is true of the world. It isn't anything until you start believing things about it. Honest. And if you belive that, I have a bridge to sell you. Chapter Eighteen Euclidian 2-D Tesselations Square: Simplest, most obvious Triangle: A little awkward, but still straighforward Hexagonal: Very efficient, but hard to draw Square And Octagon: Very tricky, but interesting Fullerian 3-D Tesselations Cubical: Simplest, most obvious Octet Truss: A little awkward, but still straightforward WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? Chapter Nineteen Q: What food is more nutritious than any meat or vegetable, richer in vitamins than almost any food on earth, easily available in all inhabited coutries, easier to prepare than any other known form of sustenance, completely humane to obtain, and yet completely unavailable in any of the so-called "rational and scientific" Western food stores? A: Human blood. Chapter Twenty Try to be aware of your own motives. When psychiatrBLATTTs or bitter people analyze them, they can be more objective than you can about YOU, if not about themselves. So don't dismiss it just because you don't realize it at once. Be it penis-envy, desire for attention, or Oedipus complex, at least acknowledge that it's PARTLY correct. Chapter Twenty-One Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a great and magnificent city of incredible size and beauty, and the city was called Dobbstown. And in that city, everybody was happy, because the city took care of them, and its computers tried to make them all as happy as possible and as much of the time as possible. The people were given things to do, so they were never bored. They were given games and to play, so they were never lazy. Those who wanted to work for their pleasure were allowed to, but in a few generations, nobody really felt like it. The city's computers and robots made imaginary people to curse at if anybody ever got angry, but nobody ever did, because they were always happy. And nobody was ever bitter that the computers were smarter than they were, and that the robots did everything better than them, because that was just the way things were. The robots explored the star system of the city, and the people who wanted to went with them. But most were happy watching from afar, or imagining they were out there, when they were safely in the city itself. And the people lived for many millions of years, totally content, the city protecting them, and keeping them happy, and stopping them from becoming lazy and stupid. They were the most beautiful and intelligent and enlightened race the galaxy had ever seen, and those who had left with the robots in the early days were not nearly so beautiful, because they had started WORKING FOR NOTHING and the ones on the planet were puzzled. Until one day their star blew up and they were all killed. Except the ugly ones who worked in the sky, who escaped to a planet called Gloop, and their children were as industrious as they were, and eventually discovered more amazing science than the robots had ever done, until they invented the most amazing source of energy the universe has ever seen, from which they intended to power the biggest beacon in the galaxy, pointing the way to wisdom and joy to all life forms within millions of light years. Only it blew up and killed them all. And the only ones who survived were the cockroaches. Tough. Chapter Twenty-Two Bucky Fuller has mentioned lots of things in his day, but one of the most interesting is that IQ is determined by the age of 17. He pointed out that a guy called Ben Bloom worked out a system that, if you give him all the details about a person's family life before 17, he can determine their IQ to within 1%. He pointed out that 50% is determined by the age of 4, 80% by the age of 8, 92% by the age of 13, and 100% by 17. He said that even though nothing can be done after that to improve IQ, billions of dollars are spend on education for over 17, and hardly any for under 4. Sorta true. In fact, fifth circuit opening lets you expand your IQ at any age at all, and even live forever. Chapter Twenty-Three SMIILE: Space Migration, Intelligence Increase, Life Extension. RICH: Rising Incomes through Cybernetic Homeostasis HEAD: Hedonic Engineering And Development SMIILE Migration of a race to space eliminates problems of crowding, industrial pollution, lack of arable land, and limitations on the resources available for machinery. Increase of intelligence eliminates problems of chronic stupidity, human error, mismanagement, deliberate sabotage, war, and disaster through failure to communicate. Extending human lifespan eliminates problems of death, sadness, loss of information, failure to learn from past mistakes, and burdensome senile old folks. RICH Replacing human workers with intelligent machines and robot labour solves problems of unemployment, poverty, shoddy work, limited production, effective mental slavery, poor education, and industrial accidents causing death. HEAD Opening a fifth-circuit function on a social level to use the human brain for fun and profit eliminates problems of stupidity, unhappiness, anger, greed, intolerance, bigotry, mental slavery, disease, and government. Da Book of We Aaron-Oying (By I Yemen-Oying, his cousin) Chapter/Section/Part/whatever 1 Right? (They're wrong. All wrong. Dead wrong. All dead wrong.) (We're right. Don't listen to THEM.) 1: In case you missed it: We're right, they're not. Understand? 2: Good. Chapter/part/section/whatever 2 Idiots.... (Are YOU like Trevor?) Wunn: Ae hayt shyte noogies tu: Ae think yur oll shyte noogies if yur reeeding disse shyte booke. Fr: Duh. faiV: yu shyte cowz. yu shudde bee chot bia fyrinsquod. Sox: eevn am betttr than yur. sven: ae laik beeff tho. {this is a good place for Confuse-Ius to interrupt} Confuse-COW-Ius: 'Tis NOT! aet: dfuh. duh. duh. aim confyoozed. nan: hooiz dis shytte confyoozyus/ 10: THIS IS WHAT WE MEAN BY A PAIN. lven: aw, phoqyoo, yu shytee noogie. duh: what cumzaftr lven? Chapter/Section/Part/Whatever 4 The Truth. 0: There is NO GOD BUT QUACK! : Everyone worship QUACK! 1: Pass the butter if they ask for it. 1: We mean it, too. Do you? 2: Just say QUACK! 2: Because it's a nice thing to say. Quack. 2: People are people too. 4: Evil people. 4: You know who you are. Stop it. Don't be a PAIN. (cf chapter 2) 4: There are no reasons. Only raisins. 4: And grapes. But raisins are only dried grapes. 4: Reasons are dried gropes. But there are no reasons. 4: Because you can't dry gropes. Chapter/part/section/whatever 5 Feedback. 1: We said so. 2: So? 4: We're listening. Say something! 5: We mean it. Say something! Anything! 6: Fine. Don't. Be non-cooperative. It's on your own head! 7: NO, REALLY. It's on your head. So Don't look up. 8: Quack. 9: Please think about this. Chapter/part/suction/cup 6 Warrantee! 00001: This is the Book of MOO. 00002: Don't expect too much. skip a few: 00099: However, it is guaranteed to weigh at least 6 pounds. 00100: If yer dumb enough to print it. 00101: The book of MOO is backed by a satisfaction guarantee. 00178: If you are dissatisfied with it, send it back. We'll refund you. Confuse-Ius Say: No, we won't. HA! Fooled you! Chapter/part/section/whatever 7 Hence infinity: Amen. MOO OMM BOOK OF THE RITUAL STUFF Major Rituals These rituals are to be performed at MOOfests, warships... uh, WORSHIPS (well, warships will do as well) or whenever you feel like it. Or not, if you don't want to, though failure to comply will result in not having fun, and Floyd not giving you any mints unless he's feeling generous. 1) Communion Ritual MOOists shall commune with the Grate MOO by the sitting around of bonfires, leaping from tree to tree, and generally behaving stupidly in order to attract Her attention. HAIL ERIS! 2) The Gun-A-Jump Ritual This is most effective in large groups. You stand at the FOOT (bottom) of a large building in a group, and shout: "I'm gonna jump! I'm gonna jump!" A person planeted on a ledge above will shout down: "Don't do it! Don't do it!" Continue until bored, or arrested for being a pain. 3) The Muk-Funna-MOO Ritual In this ritual, you simply make fun of MOOism in a non-pain-in-the-ass way. Also included as a subgroup of this ritual are making fun of any other thing that occurs to you, such as any of the major heresies, the Civil Service, or popular cartoon characters. 4) The Sey-MOO Ritual This is the simplest of all the rituals, as it involves merely saying MOO as loud as you can manage, or as you feel like at that time. 5) The Bal-Oon Ritual First shalt thou fill the Holy Balloons with the Holy Hydrogen. Then shalt thou fill some other Holy Balloons with the Holy Water. Then tiest thou the balloons together, and attatch the Holy Fuse. Then light the Holy Fuse, and letest thou go of the balloons. 6) The Ho-Lee-Kow Ritual First find yerself a cow. This is the Holy Cow for this ritual. Then ya MOO at the cow for a while until it replies in kind. Then say "Holy Cow!". If the cow should relieve itself on the ground during the ritual, say "Holy Shit!" 7) The Ho-Ke-Po-Kay You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out. You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey-Pokey and turn it all around. That's what it's all about. 8) The Noe-Mick Ritual Play the game of Nomic, as described in one of those appendices there. Attempt to make the game as SILLY as possible. Variations of this ritual may include the other official games of MOO. 9) The Pree-Ching Ritual First, ye stand on a holy soapbox, and gather thee around thyself a whole load of pre-converted MOOists, and then shall ye speak unto the crowd around ye, and ye shall say unto them things like "Yo, man, convert to my nifty cult!" and "If it worked for them, it can work for you!" and other such things, and rant and rave and speak in strange Tongues. 10) The Joho Ritual First, find a building in which live Jehovah's Witnesses, then go up and ring the doorbell. When they answer, barge in, claim to be a Jehovah's Witness, ignore any protests that they already are, and preach at them for an hour or more trying to convert them. 11) The Geo-Desk Ritual Thou shalt build unto you a whole buncha stuff outta toothpicks using proper Fullerian designs. Octet Truss design is the best and most stable, using equilateral triangles for the load distribution, but icos-octahedron ones are WIERD to look at, and also use equilateral triangles. Avoid squares if you can help it, on account of they have an extra dimension of freedom to collapse on the load and destroy themselves. Minor Rituals (Ritz Bitz) These are intended to be done alone, or at least individually. Of course, they probably won't end up that way, but what the hell, eh? For this reason, they have no names. Aww... 1) Speak in Pig Latin. (First sound goes to the end of the word, and is followed by an "ay" sound.) 2) Ytray otay onfusecay eoplepay ithway onsensenay. Uchsay asay ymay ignsay ichwhay ayssay "Easeplay oday otnay arkpay noay Isthay allway" 3) Have as much fun as possible, so as to increase the total amount of fun in the world. PLEASE notice that this ritual should be followed with care. It is important to increase the TOTAL amount as well as your own. I.e. Don't be a pain. At least, not TOO much of a pain, anyway. 4) Hop up and down on one of your legs (you may switch part way through), flap your hands like a bird, and make goose-like squawking noises, occasionally MOOing for emphasis. 5) Eat salad. Comment on its flavour, composition, texture, moral rectitude, and anything else that seems commentable. MOO OMM BOOK OF CERMONIES Hereinwritten are the cermonies of the Holy Church Of The Great MOO as they now stand. All these ceremonies are to be performed by the member which they specify, and at the times and occasions specified. The exact wording may be changed if it's really important, but ALWAYS shalt thou basically stick to that kind of thing, okay? When it says High Preest or Great Prophet, the script shall use the High Preest, because the Great Prophet will eventually die, and cannot be replaced, while the High Preest can. These ceremonies MAY be performed by conference call on a telephone, unless they require physical contact. Preests or Prophets or generally anyone can perform 'em. WEDDINGS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO Weddings of MOO are semantic exercises, with no more real effect than weddings of other religions. They join "As One" two or more people, who generally have some kind of affection for each other. Weddings of the Church of MOO are to be conducted by the Grate Prophet ONLY, but since they aren't even a teensy weensy bit binding, this hardly matters. Any arrangement of partners which can be thought of can be married. Marriages can be one-way, between large groups of people and NO subsets (or only specific ones), between the same sex or opposite sex, or indeed anything else you could possibly think of. The people united in a MOO marriage are joined as one in the eyes of the Grate MOO. But, since they're not joined in her nose, the marriage is almost totally pointless. Needless to say, strict monogamy is almost out of the question. Unless you don't want it to be. Whatever. Big whoop. Modifications shall be made to suit the arrangements decided on. Where it says "Groom" and "Bride", the names of the participants should be used. Grate Prophet: This is a wedding, so shut up. Groom! Groom: Yes? Grate Prophet: Do you love her? Groom: Yeah. Grate Prophet: Bride! Bride: Yes? Grate Prophet: Do you love him? Bride: Yeah. Grate Prophet: You're married. Dibs on the cheese dip. Assembly adjourns for refreshments, including cheese dip or something INITIATIONS INTO THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO When a person is to be initiated into the Holy Church Of The Great MOO, that person must be willing to commit his or her life to the Church and what it stands for. They don't have to actually do it, but they must be willing. This ceremony is also performed by a Preest or the Prophet, or anyone of a rank higher than Inner CirclBLATTT. This ceremony is one of the most solemn occasions in the Holy Church of the Great MOO. Well... Yeah, just about. The ceremony is as follows, although it's almost always dispensed with nowadays, unless someone feels like it. Preest: We are gathered here to induct into our ranks a GNU acolyte. Hand over the Holy Rubber Chicken. Acolyte hands the Rubber Chicken Over Preest: Young acolyte. Do you hereby pledge that you're gonna be a faithful MOOist? New Acolyte: MOO! Preest: Good enough. Right, then fill out this application form, will ya? Thanks. Preest hands over the Holy Application Form New Acolyte fills out the Holy Application Form Preest: Done yet? New Acolyte: Not quite. Preest: Well hurry up, will you? New Acolyte: Don't rush me... Preest: La dee da... Preest taps left foot impatiently Preest: Done yet? New Acolyte: Yup. Preest: Give me the form. New Acolyte gives Preest the form Preest: Hmmm... I guess so. Kneel on your left knee. Acolyte Kneels on left knee Preest: I didn't say "Simon says"! New Acolyte: ACK! New Acolyte stands up again. Preest: Now let's try that again. Simon says kneel on your left knee. Acolyte kneels on left knee Preest: You didn't say "mother may I"! New Acolyte: ACK! New Acolyte stands up again Preest: Now let's try this ONE MORE TIME. Simon says kneel on your left knee. New Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee? Preest: That's better. Yes you may. New Acolyte kneels on left knee. Preest: Now, with this Chicken, I dub thee Silly Twit of the Holy Church of the Great MOO Preest bashes GNU Acolyte with the rubber chicken New Acolyte: Thanks a heap. Preest: Ahem. New Acolyte: What? Oh... right... MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! New Acolyte performs Minor Ritual number four Preest: Hand forth the Holy Seltzer Bottle. Acolyte hands over Holy Seltzer Bottle (or water glass) Preest throws water or sprays seltzer in GNU acolyte's face GNU Acolyte: Thanks. I needed that. Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dibs on the guacamole. Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with guacamole or other avocado products. PROMOTION TO THE OUTER CIRCLE OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO Simmons is played by any Outer CirclBLATTT of MOO, Simon is played by an Inner CirclBLATTT, and Mother is played by any Inner CirclBLATTT of MOO. The ceremony is performed, as usual, by anyone of high enough rank, and goes as follows: Preest: Acolyte! Acolyte: Yup? Preest: Simon says kneel on your left knee. Acolyte: Yeah, right. Preest: No, really. Acolyte: Show me this Simon, then, oh Preest-Person of the Great MOO, you silly person. Preest: SUMMON SIMON, SIMMONS! Simmons: Yes, oh High And Mighty Preest of the Holy Church of the Great MOO, [begins to lBLATTT titles of performer] Preest: Get on with it! Simmons: Sorry. Simmons fetches Simon Preest: Are you Simon? Simon: Yes, oh High And Mighty... Preest: Shut up. Okay. Tell this scum to kneel on her [his] left knee. Simon: Kneel on your left knee, scum. Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee? Preest: Yes, you may. Acolyte: You aren't Mother! Preest: Simmons, get Mother, would you? Simmons: Yes, oh High... Preest: Just DO it, would you? Simmons: Okay, okay. Simmons fetches Mother Preest: Are you Mother? Mother: You didn't say Mother May I! Preest: Mother may I ask you who you are? Mother: You may. Preest: Are you Mother? Mother: I am. Preest: Good. Acolyte, you may proceed. Acolyte: Mother may I kneel on my left knee? Mother: You may. Acolyte kneels on his [her] left knee. Preest: Hand forth the Holy Rubber Chicken. Other Acolyte hands over the rubber chicken. Preest: Hand forth his [her] application form. Other Acolyte hands forth Acolyte's application form. Preest: Hmm... Well, okay. With this chicken, I dub thee... Acolyte: Hang on. Preest: What!? Acolyte: You forgot to say Mother May I! Preest: Oh all right. Mother, may I brain her [him] with a rubber chicken? Mother: Sure thing. Preest: With this chicken, I dub thee Outer CirclBLATTT of the Holy Church Of The Great MOO. Preest bashes Acolyte with Rubber Chicken Acolyte Officially Becomes Outer CirclBLATTT Outer CirclBLATTT: MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Outer CirclBLATTT performs minor ritual number four Preest: Hand forth the Holy Cream Pie! Acolyte hands over Holy Cream Pie High Preest throws Holy Cream Pie in Outer CirclBLATTT's face Outer CirclBLATTT: Thanks a heap. Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dips on the onion dip. Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with onion dip. PROMOTION TO INNER CIRCLE OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO Basically the same applies as with the Promotion to the Outer Circle of The Holy Church Of The Great MOO. The Applicant must be an Outer CirclBLATTT of the Holy Church Of MOO, obviously. Preest: By this time, oh applicant, you've progressed far enough to know why we don't need a ceremony for this level. Besides which, it's tedious. Applicant: Huh? Preest: Look, do you understand what the difference was between the ceremony when you became an Acolyte and when you became an Outer CirclBLATTT? Applicant: Uh, yeah. Preest: And you know why? Applicant: Uh, yeah. Preest: Good. Give me the Application Form. Acolyte hands over the Application Form Preest: Seems fine. Hand over the Holy Rubber Chicken. Acolyte hands over the Holy Rubber Chicken Preest: Any questions? Applicant: No Preest: Good. Let's get this sucker over with. With this here chicken I dub thee Inner CirclBLATTT of The Holy Church Of The Great MOO. Preest bashes Applicant with chicken Applicant becomes Inner CirclBLATTT Applicant: MOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Applicant performs Minor Ritual number four Preest: Hand over the Holy Nose Glasses. Acolyte hands over the Holy Nose Glasses Preest: Here. Put these on. Applicant puts on Holy Nose Glasses and stops minor ritual number four Preest: This ceremony is adjourned. Dibs on the bean dip. Ceremony adjourns to refreshments with bean dip. EXORCBLATTS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO In some cases, priests or teachers of MOOism or of the Penguin Temple may find that they encounter evil spirits (wandering souls that can't find a cheap hotel) or manifestations of the Evil One. In such cases, any member of the Church Of MOO is permitted to perform an exorcBLATT, and the highest member available should be the one to perform the duty. The ceremony goes a bit like this: ExorcBLATTT: ZI DINGIR ETCETERA ETCETERA Translator: Begone, vermin of Bung ExorcBLATTT: ZINGI DUNGA AD INFINITUM Translator: Evil Spirits, here, take a couple of bucks and go find a decent hotel! ExorcBLATTT: SHADASH MASHUDAH MOO MOO MOO Translator: SHADASH MASHUDAH MOO MOO Etcetera etcetera... ExorcBLATTT: Begone Foul Demons Of Dirty Telephones Translator: That was my line! ExorcBLATTT: WUNGA WUNGA WUNGA! Translator: Spirits of the Sky, remember the invocation of the old days of the Great MOO and the Primordial Penguin, an awesome invocation of Tundra and Fire! ExorcBLATTT: Did I really say all that? Translator: Yes. ExorcBLATTT: WOW WOW WOW! Translator: Live Long And Prosper! ExorcBLATTT: SZILLY SZILLY SZILLY! Translator: Or, if you're already dead, do something equivalent! EcorcBLATTT: G'WAN G'WAY G'DADDA HERE! Translator: Pester us no more, foul demons and slaves of the Bung, who has lived on the Earth since the beginning times, when clocks were but stupid old wooden things! ExorcBLATTT: DROPPA DEAD! MUNGA MOO! DROPPA DEAD! Translator: Evil Things, Nasty Spirits, take these coins an begone! [Translator throws a little money in the air] ExorcBLATTT: GIMME GIMME GIMME! Translator: Spirits! Relinquish holds on the material world! ExorcBLATTT: FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-FUH-QOPF! Translator: Begone! Adjourn to festivities with grape soda. BAPTBLATTS OF THE HOLY CHURCH OF THE GREAT MOO MOOists don't believe in baptBLATTs. This ceremony is designed to show that fact to the MOOist parents of a child, and emphasize the right to the child of choosing his or her own religion. It may be performed by any MOOist of higher than the Outer Circle. Performer: Hey, kid. Wanna be a MOOist? Baby: ... Performer: Sorry. No can do. Here. Performer gives baby back to parents SNOWBLOWER RITUAL This is the ritual alluded to in the Snowblower Myth by I Yemen-Oying. It is used to summon the Second Satanic Snowblower Brigade, and should only be used under DIRE provocation, or if you REALLY, REALLY, *REALLY* want to. 00001: Draw a pentacle on the ground in black chalk to satisfy the Law Of Fives. Preferably indoors, so the demons don't scare people passing by when they appear. 00002: On each corner, place a snowball made of black snow. Black Snow can be obtained anywhere in Canada in winter by the side of a busy road, as any Canadian will tell you. 00003: In the middle of the pentacle, place a snowshovel. 00004: Chant the magic words "IO SNOWSHOVEL! IO IO SNOWSHOVEL! IO SNOWSHOVEL SNOWSHOVEL! YO! YO! SNOWSHOVEL! HEY STUPIDS!" 00005: Duck. Fast. SPECIAL ENLIGHTENMENT EXERCISES These are exercises that you can do at any time, or all the time unlike rituals or ceremonies of the normal kind... There are some mantas here, and some special mental press-ups. 00001: Press ups. 00002: Mantras (see below). 00003: Ritual Self-Mutilations. 00004: Thought modification (see below). 00005: Iron Man Decathalon. Mantras First, a definition of a Mantra. This is NOT one of those nasty sea creatures that looks like a doormat. That's a MANTA. A mantra is a phrase or word that you repeat to yourself in order to meditate, or otherwise gain enlightenment. Mantas are not good for this, and attempting to repeat a manta may result in serious lung cancer, birth defects in pregnant women (in case you give birth to a pregnant woman), or spontaneous human combustion in hyenas. These mantras are for people wanting to enter the Outer Circle of MOO (aptly called the Doubter Circle). Here are some Mantras to help you. 00001: When you hear, read, say, or think anything, repeat the following to yourself: "It's a LIE! A DAMCOWNED LIE! ALL OF IT." Repeat for a week or so, as often as possible. 00002: Whenever you hear, read, write, say, think, or telepathically receive any word such as "True", "Fact", "Real", or anything else like that, put imaginary quote marks around it. 00003: Constantly repeat, in your head, "How do I KNOW that?" You can actually THINK about this one. 00004: Say over and over, while meditating, "MANTRAS ARE STUPID, MANTRAS ARE STUPID, MANTAS ARE STUPID, MANTRAS ARE STUPID" and so forth and so on. 00005: "There is no truth. Everything is true." Thought Modification This isn't a sea creature either, but since it's not likely to be mistaken for one, unless the observer is drunk, it's night, or it's wearing a good costume, I won't mention that fact here. Thought modification exercises are for people who want to join the Inner Circle of MOO (ineptly called the Dinner Circle). By the time you understand these, you'll be ready to use them. By the time you finish with them, you'll already be an Inner CirclBLATTT, so you can keep doing them anyway. 00001: Think of everything I've ever taught you. Then think: "Maybe not." 00002: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 00003: Don't see the fnord. Don't see the fnord. If you don't see the fnord, it can't eat you. Don't see the fnord. The only good fnord is a dead fnord. Don't see the fnord. 00004: Fnord. 00005: You didn't see that. DON'T SEE THE DAMN FNORD ALREADY! Lost And Found Organized By Confuse-Ius This unregistered section of the Schnook of GLUE is intended to help you, the user of this annoying mind drug, find your way about the universe less easily. Lost: One really pair of really big, really gold, really big lost really gold really really and big, really lost, really mittens. If really found, really really return to really High really Preestess really Indoctrinate-Me. Missing: One-half sanity, answers to "Leonard", partly bald. Write Half-Mad at 666, Celestial Suite. Found: One paradise, good condition, monogrammed "J.M.", found in bus shelter underneath a pile of hopes. Lost: oNe mINd. PuRPLe bAnAnAs go ROUnD aNd roUNd... Found: v. (1) To lay the base or structure of (as a building, a town); to set, fix, or build on a firm ground. Lost: Large invisible gorilla. Approximately two meters tall, light grey fur, three eyes, likes to throw intangible temper tantrums when denied access to nonexistent fruit bats. Found: Lare invisible gorilla. Approximately two meters tall, light grey fur, three eyes, threw intangible temper tantrum for no apparent reason while passing nonexistent fruit bat store. Missing: Sense of humour, answers to "Brian", three centimeters long, slighly fuzzy. Lost: One apartment, 2 bedroom, 1 bath, reasonable rates, with a view. Last seen, 7th floor of Scraper Building, wielding large butcher's cleaver. Found: North Atlantic Salmon Spawning Ground, slightly dented, greenish tinted, second hand. Lost: One really pair of really big, really gold, really big lost really gold really really and big, really lost, really mittens. If really found, really really return to really High really Preestess really Indoctrinate-Me. MOO OMM BOOK OF REAL SECRET SECRETS The Inner Secrets Of MOO Which Are Not At All Satirizing Anything Not Even A Little Bit As Written By High Preest Floyd Gecko Section One: What We Stand For MOOism, as stated earlier in the Great Book of MOO, stands for many things. Many of these things are such taboo or unaccepted practices as cannibalBLATT, necrophilia, free sex, or anarchy (or even such recently shunned ideas as bureaucracy). And yet, some may be surprised to find in there as well, feminBLATT, environmentalBLATT, love, and peace. Why could this be, asks the puzzled initiate. We only chose these taboos or unaccepted ideas as a sample of the things which we support. We accept the right of the individual to do any of the things that he or she wants to do. Those of us, who are taken from all levels of initiation, from High Preest, to mere Acolyte, who have fathomed the Inner Secrets of Nature, belong to a secret Cabal of people with this knowledge, many of us not even known to each other. We have found the true secrets of being, and I wish, as the only one of such known to myself at this time, to set down what I personally have fathomed to be the true nature of reality. This will help enlighten you, and make me feel superior. HAHAHA! First, in this section, What We Stand For, I must describe our seemingly arbitrary morality. Yep. That's what I must do. It is my mission. My, shall we say, raisin debtor. Morality, I have decided, is a highly arbitrary thing, by nature, and is purely the construct of the human mind. That's what I've decided. Yes, I've decided that, indeed, there can be no fundamental morality of nature, because nature herself betrays no respect for what humans call morality. It has been called sick and immoral to eat dead human beings, and yet animals of nature eat their own species very often. Insects, mammals, birds, or lizards, there is no exception in general. If, indeed, such was against the laws of nature, then surely it would never happen. It may be said that God created morals for us to rise above the animal kingdom, but in truth, as I will later show, God is a partial and purely mental construct, and not an external being. An' that's the truth. In addition, how can we define an action to judge it for its so called morality? If indeed, we are high-order patterns of atoms and fields in space, as some would have us believe, then, as our atoms are constantly replenished, and our bodies renewed, no person is the same from one day to the next. If we choose to define a person as the pattern in which these atoms are arranged, this is even worse, for the pattern changes from second to second as the atoms move. They move so fast, even, that the pattern has changed on one side of the body before the other side has learned of what it was before the change. There is no simultaneity in the pattern, and it is less constant than the matter. If we are never the same person from second to second, then how can we be said to commit any action, let alone a sin? Morality is a concept designed to be effective on a large scale to people, but if people cannot be accurately pinned down as being one specific thing, how can we say that this person here, or that person there, committed a sin yesterday, when that person, that pattern of those specific atoms, didn't even exBLATTT yesterday? So, by standing for this freedom to be or do whatever you wish, including oppress other people, we are admitting this fact, that people do not, in fact, exBLATTT, and what they do is of no consequence. So you see, while we would support you in your efforts to do whatever you want, those of us who are truly enlightened in this one truth would question whether it makes a difference. If you are one of the enlightened ones, you will admit that whether or not you are able or allowed to do what you wish makes little difference at all. Indeed, it is a matter that's difficult to define, as I will describe now. Yup. Section Two: What Is Real? Consider the problem of what is real (or don't, if you prefer). All we know of what we so flippantly call reality is what our senses tell us. And we cannot say what the senses of other people tell them, because all we have to go on is what they tell us, through our senses. Even in the case of a so called telepath, this is merely another sense which may be fooled. If we consider the construction of the human brain, an object of, or so we perceive, immensely complex interactions, the likelihood that any two such would be able to interact in exactly the same way with the same thing, to the detail of having exactly identical perceptions, is highly unlikely. The idea that I see the same thing when I look at something that we call "blue" as you see when you look at the same thing, is almost absurd. Surely, we cannot have exactly the same experience of it, since my mind is different from yours, and my brain is different from your brain. Similarly, consider the question of the cheese. (Consider the cheese of the fields... It works not, neither does it toil...) We can say of a hunk of cheese that it has certain qualities. That it is, for instance, solid, yellowish, has a certain odour, and tastes in a certain way. But where does this property lie? It cannot lie in the cheese, because different people have very different perceptions of the cheese, even to the point of describing it in a different way. Some might like the taste of the cheese, while some might not. Some might give a different name to the colour of the cheese than others. So the properties of what we percieve cannot lie in that hunk of cheese. And yet, they can hardly be said to lie in the observer, not only because the observer, as I have stated, does not exBLATTT as a definable entity, but also because, even in our minds, we don't experience the same things when the cheese isn't there. So the only conclusion is that the properties must lie in the state of union of both the observer and the hunk of cheese. Only when the two are together do those particular set of perceptions exBLATTT. The same is true of the world. Its properties, which are what define it's exBLATTTence, can only exBLATTT in the merging of whatever is actually out there with a mind that can experience it. And yet, these minds are part of the world. When we define the entire universe of everything, we think of it in two sections: Me, and Not-Me. So, with this dichotomy, ignoring the fact that "Me" is undefinable, and is constantly replenished with the atoms of the "Not-me", we construct two sides of reality. And yet, each "Me" is part of everyone else's "Not-Me". The people who inhabit the world are part of the world, by the consensus of the majority. So the union of these people with the rest of the world which creates the properties of the world, and thereby makes the world what it is, is already acomplished. Each of these minds is a part of the world around it. All is One, as the mystics say. Indeed, those who study "advanced" mathematics, set theory, discover that All is indeed One. Trust me. It is impossible for any part of the whole to understand the full whole, since that would involve fully understanding itself, and everything else. The One is Unknowable. All things may, in Set Theory, be expressed as patterns of other patterns, sets of sets, which all boil down to patterns of nothing. All numbers, in mathematics, can be seen as groups of nothings. In physics also, we perceive that all things are groups of other things, which are groups of other things, all the way down to groups of nothings, vibrating bits of empty space. Yak. Oh well. On the other hand, all things affect all other things. Merely by exBLATTTing, they affect other things across all of space. In Set Theory, all sets are members of the Set Of All Sets. They affect each other merely by exBLATTTing in the same set. In fact, since physics and math intersect at this point, where reality is made of groups of groups of nothings, and Sets are made of Sets of Sets of Nothing, we can say that reality is like an "Infinite Set". That is the truth, in the only sense that truth can be understood. All things are right with us, right next to us, the All affects us directly. When I say the All, I mean everything. Everything that is real, and everything that isn't real. Everything possible and every impossible thing. Mystics call this the Mindscape, or Superspace, in which exBLATTT all thoughts, or things. This is the home of what are known as Platonic Forms, the essence of things. What is it that makes a chair as chair? The Platonic Chair. The one thing which is all chairs. This is a subset of the Infinite Set. All is One. The One is Unknowable. The One is Right Here. Nothing Is Real. (Nothing to get hung about...) Everything Is Real. Everything is real in that everything, "real" or not, exBLATTTs in the Infinite Set. Nothing is real in that nothing is more real than any other thing, and some impossible things are just as real as the world that we imagine. All of our perceptions, all of what we call the "universe of space and time" exBLATTTs in this Infinite Set, and is just as real as the Platonic Teddy Bear. And just as false. And all that stuff. It's all true. Section Three: Truth For a moment, I will speak to those with a training in physics. Since the mind shapes the perceptions of the ongoing experiment that continually collapses the quantum wave, it shapes the world around it, merely by observing. For example. If enough minds believed that the world is flat, then by observing only those experiments which would confirm that idea, they allow the creation of spontaneous Virtual Pairs of matter and antimatter, which are a form of energy, and therefore mass. Mass denotes a shape of spacetime dBLATTTortion, and changes the shape of space. By changing the shape of space, it alters the nature of geometry inside the area, which can dBLATTTort the Earth into a flat shape, if that is the shape it must be. If it is believed, then it is true. Ayup. I mean it. If you are inside a jail, this is also a fact. The space which supposedly contains you inside, if bent, would show that you are outside, topologically speaking. And so, nothing can ever be inside a box with holes. This is clearly true, if it is believed by enough people. If you are inside a box without holes, consider this. You are inside a cube, perhaps, with six sides. How much "holding power" does a single side have? It has none, since you can walkaround it easily. There are six sides with no holding power, and six times nothing is nothing. The box cannot hold you. Which is nice to know if you're in Solitary, but of little PRACTICAL value. But at any rate... The illusion of containment is false. The illusion of one thing holding another thing inside is false, because there is only one thing, the All, the One. There can be no property without an observer, and the One has no observer but itself. This is not only true of space, but also of the SuperSpace. The mind can change this on any level. The Soul Level, as I call it, is the level at which a subsection of the One can interact with the whole. Logically Impossible things have the lowest soul level we humans can imagine (though there must be infinite levels downwards from there). Following this are the nonexBLATTTent things, which do not exBLATTT, but affect the One all the same, when we think about them. Then are the inanimate objects. They merely sit there, and passively accept what happens to them, but they affect things around them greatly. These are things like Rocks, Bagels, and Dan Quayle. Then comes Life. Life takes an active part in the interplay of things, and it can do as it wishes, moving here and there, actively changing the world, but is very stupid. This is such things as Kelp, Wombats, Spruce Trees, and George Bush. Then comes Intelligence. By thinking and believing, it can see the truth, instead of merely being the truth. This includes most Humans, some Penguins, and Pine Trees. Then comes a higher level which can alter facts by thinking about them, like making the Earth flat. This includes most Penguins, a very few Humans, and Priscilla Presley. Above Intelligence, comes a level that can change higher truths than merely the shape of the world, or whether a box can exBLATTT. This level can alter laws of nature, and fundamental, obvious, logically deductible truths. This level can change the sum of 1+1 by thinking it otherwise. This level includes some Penguins, one or two humans, and Elvis Presley. And as to reincarnation, all we can say is that the Tundra can't possibly be limited by time and space, since it's something separate. A "past" life of yours may not have happened yet. And indeed, may never happen, for all its reality. The only vaguely goal-type thing we can set is to attain the high Soul-Level which I just falsely gave to Elvis Presley. Above that level, we begin to lose our understanding. The levels continue up and up forever, infinitely, to all the possible infinities, and somewhere, there is a level at which the mind may change the truth of what I am telling you, that can make the levels nonexBLATTTent, and truth be absolute. But even this is relative, it seems. So it seems. Nothing is true. Everything is true. If Nothing is True, and Everything is True, then all is allowed, and deity cannot exBLATTT. Or, uh... Something. Section Four: Well then... So, says the Initiate... How can MOOism claim to hold the truth, that the Great MOO, and the Primordial Penguin, exBLATTT out of all deities? The answer is simple. We make no such claim, except to those who need an absolute truth to begin the path to this enlightenment. All truths, deities, or ideas are true, false, and meaningless. This was mentioned in the Principia Discordia, written by Hellhound's cousin's friend's dog, some billion years before Time began. More or less. But in fact, ALL ideas, imaginable or otherwise, are true, no matter what they say. An attempt to capture this fact in words is a statement, and as such is true, false, and meaningless. But there is a higher level, on which this is true. And yet higher levels. The levels continue unto infinity. But, as the mathematics of infinity has shown, there are more levels of Infinity than there are of finite number. No matter how many ways we find of naming more levels of Infinity, there are always more, that we cannot name, and at the "Top", is the Absolute Infinite. The Absolute Infinite is unknowable in the truest sense, since no matter what you say about it, how you describe it, the same is true of some lower level of infinity. The Absolute Infinite is The One, The All. It is Unknowable, and it is Right Here. This is the "true" God, and what I just said is a whole load of cock and bull. Or maybe not. Why should you trust ME of all people? In fact, this is only a partial truth. The whole truth can only be learned, not taught, bought, eaten, beaten, thwacked, defenestrated, or otherwise abused. All questions of "what happens after death" or "what is the nature of soul" are meaningless, in some sense, since everything that you can imagine, as well as everything you can't, is the true answer to these questions, even answers that have nothing to do with the question. And all of them are the One True Answer, and all others are False. And that is the Truth. Maybe. I think... Besides, Souls are dust from the Tundra. Honest. Section Five: So? So, on the whole, we find that all things are relative to all other things, whether they exBLATTT or not. Truth, reality, and so forth. On the whole, this is fine, but we have to draw the line between what we actually experience and what our mysticBLATT tells us. MOOism is a partial truth, and contains many interesting ideas, but, really, all that nonsense about replacing BLATT with BLATT and BLATTT with BLATTT... that's just silly. Uh huh. Ayup. All that we, like the Discordians, are really, at bottom, trying to demonstrate, is that things can be silly without being frivolous. MOO is just as true and valid as ChrBLATTTianity, and ChrBLATTTianity is just as true and valid as science. Every religion or system of beliefs is just as ture as any other, and trying to get rid of it just because your sole individual partial reality doesn't like it, is a very narrow minded way of looking at things. And isn't. It's also very tolerant, and therefore evil, and good, and silly, and half-an-egg. Or something. And pselled rong. Confuse-Ius Sez: "One of MOO's greatest weapons against W.O.M.B.A.T. Systems Inc. is our capacity for Entropic Causality Time Control. We can create a situation to reap its benefits, and then decide we don't like it, and back out, as if it had never happened, except... Things are a little different. Moved around." -Book Of Things, Chapter 12, Verse 23 The point is, we take things for all being interesting and good in their own way. I happen to think that bureaucracy can produce some wonderfully fascinating systems and interrelating complexities that are quite simply beautiful, if you ignore the content and just look at the form. That's why I like Nomic... I also happen to think that an anarchic apathetic random lot monarchy is the best political system. So that means (in some sense) that it's true, and you should all follow me and accept everything I say (well, it's TRUE isn't it?)... Further insights into this sort of thing may come from any of the annoying mind drugs I've suggested for further reading. *Some* of them are pretty heavy stuff, so consult your physician before attempting any serious reading, but they're really very interesting when you get into them. Once again, a reminder that none of the advice in this section of the Annoying Mind Drug of MOO should be construed as replacing ordinary clinical advice. Please consult your local religious leader or barber for information on the true nature of reality. Section Six: Truth AGAIN (Yawn) Truth within the Multiverse is whatever your mind makes it by your eighth-circuit multiprogramming. So we can say that FOR ANY GIVEN PERSON, and AT ANY GIVEN TIME, the truth is a fairly fixed thing, but that it changes from person to person, universe to universe, time to time. So, for someone, somewhere, in some universe or multiverse, any given thing must be true, false, meaningless, true and false, true and meaningless, false and meaningless, or true false and meaningless. Truth OUTSIDE the Multiverse is a lot more complicated than that. If you can't handle this information now, skip this section, because it isn't really very important anyway. Truth is defined within the multiverse by the structure of the multiverse itself (at least relative to me, here, now), because our minds are part of the multiverse. For instance, although it looks as if space is three-dimensional to US, it is said that it's actually ten-dimensional, because of the symmetry-breaking at the "big-bang" event. Before that, time and space (and as a consequence, matter and energy) were all sort of symmetric with each other, so there was no time separate from space. Moving along the "time" axis there was a symmetry-break, and those dimensions became separate, with some of them staying symmetric (curled up really small, like all ten had been, and so not visible) and some of them expanding, which we now see as space, and ONE of them being "special", an actual LINE, instead of a circle like the others. This line is TIME. That is the reason physicBLATTTs had a hard time incorporating gravity and time into their equations until superstring theory came along. It's "special". A special case always follows rules that look different until you have a special perspective. It's the same way with the multiverse. In science, you get lots of expansions of knowledge, with everything you used to know becoming a special case of what you know now. The multiverse is a special case of UberSpace. The rules of UberSpace are therefore incredibly hard for us to understand, if it's even possible. It's not just more different than we DO understand, it's more different than we CAN understand. All of our perceptions are based on living in a world with space and time and matter and energy, and most important, THINGS that have certain RELATIONSHIPS with each other. None of this is the same in UberSpace. If you go into UberSpace, your eighth-circuit programming won't do fuck-all for you, because that's a relationship between the pattern of your mind (a resonance of certain MATTER and ENERGY patterns that moves in SPACE through TIME, with the RELATIONSHIPS between neurons making THINGS happen which we call thought) and the pattern of space, time, matter, energy, and the things around you. Eighth-circuit programming is wonderful, as long as you're in THIS multiverse. Nothing else is comprehensible. The "Luck Plane", or "Karma" or "Synchronicity" all flies STRAIGHT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW when you talk about UberSpace. UberSpace bears NO resemblance (to OUR minds) to anything we see around us. Although it is with us, here and now, outside of space and time, we can't perceive it any more than we can perceive those superstring dimensions that are still symmetric, on account of our senses just can't see them. So we can't really think about them either. Same with UberSpace. It has no room for "minds" or anything we know about, and the "things" which are there are so totally unlike anything else we deal with, it doesn't matter what we name them, because no name can ever come cloCOWse to describing them. Gods, Goddesses, Penguins, Fire Hydrants, Hot Dogs, Small Bits Of Fluff That Sit In The Bottom Of Your Pocket Until You Set Them On Fire For The Hell Of It, all of these are perfectly good names for the "things" in UberSpace. Other religions will tell you they've been saying this sort of thing all along. Maybe they have, but they weren't being very obvious about it. Except maybe the Zen parable about the frog and the tadpole. See, there's this frog trying to tell a tadpole about dry land, only the tadpole keeps asking questions, and gets the impression that there's nothing there. No, it's not wet. No, there are no fish there. No, you can't swim in it. No, it's not nothing. Sounds paradoxical, but only because the tadpole doesn't have the words for it. Not that a tadpole has the words for water, either, but you get the point. You might say that if there's nothing we can say about the things in UberSpace, we might as well forget about it. Well, that's based on Multiverse perceptions of reality, too. NOTHING you can think about them (even calling them "THEM" or "IT") is true. Not even the statement that nothing you can think about them is true. And this goes beyond the mere "nothing is true" you have inside the Multiverse. It's more fundamental than that. No matter what you think about them, it's incomplete. A logical person will tell you that the last paragraph is totally devoid of meaning. This is true, in a sense, and certainly relative to that person. But that's only because the language being used lacks some fundamental concepts, not that the human brain can't get the idea. Try to describe COLD. Doesn't work too well. Previous religions and science (notably Zen BuddhBLATT and Georg Cantor's study of transfinite ordinals) have been attempting to express this idea in words. But like 5 is no closer to infinity than 3 is (infinity is NOT a number, it's the set of all numbers, which is a different KIND of object), these ideas have been unable to express what they meant. In the terms of Godel's formal systems, they were insufficiently powerful to describe all statements they might want to. MOOism, on the other hand, is powerful enough, but just barely, and it's not too comprehensible. It's like a jump up from 0 to 1, or 1 to 2. Those are fundamental leaps, from nothing to something, from singlular to plural. The next leap isn't until finite to infinite. MOO made the leap from 0 to 1. We are now sufficiently powerful to at least begin to describe it. But there are more leaps than a mere infinite number. The Absolute Infinite is beyond all leaps, the set of all leaps, and there is an inifinite number of these leaps. But that doesn't mean we "understand". Although we are no able to express the idea, that just makes us prone to the Godel argument (it's related to the Liar Paradox: any system powerful enough to express what it wants can express "true" things that it can't prove). So we still don't "understand". But that word doesn't mean what it ususally does. The word in its ususal sense doesn't apply here. Anyone who says they do OR don't understand UberSpace has missed the point. Anyone who talks about missing the point has missed the point. There is no point. I dunno. It's kind of hard to understand at first, I know. That's why I suggested skipping this section. If you were one of those who should have skipped this section to begin with, you can proceed to the Book of Myths, an altogether more interesting Book, on account of I'm about to string together a bunch of physical jargon terms to make a pseudo-paragraph that almost sounds as if it means something. This may seem pointless to the rest of you, but it should be an amusing exercise for any advanced physicBLATTTs or Vedic Thingies who just HAPPEN (by a feat of Author's Convenience) to be reading this annoying mind drug. Superstrings obey the E(8) squared symmetry because they contain modal referents to the "big-bang" event at each point. In the string dimensions whose vibrational modalities (!) compose all functions of space, time, matter, and energy, the symmetry-break event is a non-event. So, they remain symmetric under those transformations. The broken symmetry of the time axis is the result of certain vibrational variations on the other dimensions, and a simple Fourier Transform can map the asymmetries of THAT break of symmetry onto similar breaks on each dimension, imposing a higher order group symmetry on the supposedly broken ones of a lower order group. If that didn't make sense to you, don't worry. If it had actually MEANT anything, I would have explained it. But it didn't. At least, I HOPE it didn't. If it made sense to you, you may consult either your psychiatrBLATTT or a cosmological mathematician or one of those people there. Man, I HOPE it didn't make sense. I made it up off the top of my head, maaaan. Section Seven: Fun Stuff So... you've decided you want to be a mystic... Well, I'm gonna give you a few things to do on the way there, okay? Stuff to think about. If you like thinking, this is fun stuff. If you don't, it's a lot better than reading all the reading stuff. Of course, you can always find your own way to the One, but hey, it's tricky that way... These are just a few pointers and things to think about... Zen Koans (little stories or puzzles designed to free the mind of logical thought), logic puzzles, that kinda thing... Just fun stuff. a) If a tree explodes in the middle of the forest, and there's nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound? b) How much wood COULD a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? c) A man finds a genie in a bottle, and the genie grants him one wish, and ONLY one wish, but it will grant any wish at all. The man wishes for a hundred wishes. What happens? d) A man keeps asking silly questions about woodchucks, genies, trees, and questions. Eventually he is found dead. Why? e) (This was the only question on a Philosophy Exam, honest.) Why? (Some dimwit got 100% for the answer "Why not?") f) This one's a Zen Koan, about three thousand years old, about the greatest of all Zen teachers, Joshu. I thought it might interest you: "One day, Joshu and another monk were standing together in the monastery, when a dog wandered by. The monk asked Joshu whether the dog had 'Buddha Nature' or not. Joshu answered with a single word: MU." (Note: Joshu was speaking in Chinese at the time, and the way this story was translated gives us that particular spelling. What he actually said was "MOO!" Since then, this has been a sort of Zen way of "unasking" a question you don't like. Them Zen guys sure knew where it was at, ayup. What it means is that only by NOT asking dumb questions like that can you know the answers to them.) Section Eight: Further Reading... I don't know of very many annoying mind drugs that will give you any good insights into Truth, or NonTruth... Here are a few that helped me find the Path that led me to where I am now. 1) Infinity And The Mind, by Rudy Rucker * 2) The Fourth Dimension, by Rudy Rucker 3) The Tao Of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff 4) Godel, Escher, Bach, by Douglas R. Hofstader * 5) The Illuminatus Trillogy, by Robert Anton Wilson * 6) Almost anything else by Rudy Rucker 7) Mind Children by Hans Moravec (HANS of Floyd 16) Apology: I would like to apologize for this excursion into deep metaphysical stuff, and I hope it hasn't interfered with your day. If it has, please address all complaints to: Swami Banananana 13 Regis Lane BonkVille Ontario Canada A1A 1A1 You won't get a reply, but you will feel much better about it. Confuse-Ius Would Like To Point Out: "'m r gg r h rg r rg . h' w -m g r, h h障 hv g m-g h. kw, h , 'm gg mrh rgh w rr hqrr, m h ' r随 r随 hm, hm m h 韟, h k h h-m -rrg." -The Book Of Stuff, Chapter 3, Verses 4-8 ADDENDUM BY GRAND POOBAH PENG-PENG IN 135705 Multiverses What's a multiverse? According to Floyd's interpretation of the Gospel According to Yari, one of the chunks of tundra was a "multiverse", which was inhabited by souls. Actually, there was only one soul, and Floyd was a nincompoop. A multiverse is this sort of universe thing that contains all possible universes, all possible multiverses (kinda circular, but it's highly infinite anyway, so who cares?) and generally all possibilities of things that might be. For instance, say the universe has some infinite number of possible states it can be in, a state being any situation: the positions of the atoms, what people are thinking, whether it has a grape at such-and-such a spot, and so on. For each of these states, you give a dimension (okay, so it's an infinite dimensional space, but just pretend it isn't)... And each possible path through time of the universe is a line, going in THIS direction, then THIS direction, and so forth as it moves from state to state (like the travelling salesman, minus the farmer's daughter). So then all possible hBLATTTories of the universe are a certain line. Call each of these LINES a possible state for a universe whose hBLATTTory is changing all the time (as in, someone has a time machine and keeps changing hBLATTTory)... Now each of these lines is a state, and you get the same kind of thing, a line for every hBLATTTory of hBLATTTories. Now you JUMP, and get an infinite stack of 'em, a stack consBLATTTing of everything possible path of paths of paths (and so on) through this universe with these possible states. Now make such a doohickey for all possible universes (where a universe is defined by the various states it can be in), so now you have one of these stacks for every possible universe with every possible law of physics. Now arrange them in an infinite dimensional space, since the laws of physics can keep changing (ACK!) and repeat again, since the laws of physics telling you how to arrange the universes in this space can change... Keep doing this forever, so you get all possibilities. Now JUMP again to a finished process. This is a multiverse. But what about all other possible multiverses? Well, since the thing is extremely infinite anyway, it can contain all possible OTHER multiverses. And so on. It contains itself. This is the multiverse described in Floyd's interpretation of what the hell's going on. Now throughout this, there's constant movement of souls. For a description of souls, look in the Book of Really Secret Secrets. Souls move from state to state with their universes, sure, but they also move throughout all the various levels I've been telling you about. Now, according to Floyd, the multiverse is one bit of Tundra, and the souls are infinitely many ground of parts of another bit. I'm telling you it's a lie. Floyd's lying to you. Actually, the souls are all little branches of the same thing, the same way leaves are all parts of the same tree. And the tree is a branch off the multiverse itself. It makes its own souls... They're all part of the same mind. So, in fact, everything and everyone IS the whole multiverse, sorta. Whenever someone claims to be "god" (which they seem to do fairly often), they're absolutely right, in some sense. Of course, everything is true (a fact contained inside the multiverse, some versions of which have NO souls, but those are contained inside the "absolute" one) and it's also true to say that there's no such thing as the multiverse. Confusing, innit? Now the multiverse is just one tiny fragment of the tundra, of course. The other fragments are totally different, since it's the only multiverse there is (NOT!)... In fact, it's so confusing, I won't even bother to explain it. However, you also have to remember that there are things which are NOT parts of the Tundra. Now, Eris, "BOB", QUACK, and so forth, they were all created from parts of the Tundra, but there are also the original Penguins, who lived on the tundra before it blew up, there's the Primordial Penguin, the Great MOO, of course, and there's the Game itself, Nomic. These are things that weren't even contained in the Tundra to begin with. Even more confusing, innit? The worst part is, all of this is contained inside some infinite part of the multiverse, with little FAKE versions of the Great MOO, the Nomic Game, the Primordial Penguin, and so forth, even a little Tundra... If you ever DO find them, you can never be sure you found the REAL ones... However, at least you get to vote in the Nomic, and that's the important thing. I think. NOTE ON SECRETS Obviously, since this stuff is supposedly "really really secret secret" stuff, and nobody is supposed to be able to know about it, we have to explain something here. This was discovered and elaborated on in conjunction with he whose holy "pseudo" is Midget Jim, who is another of the Co-Directors of the Nomic Club. Anyway, the idea is that there are nine levels of security of MOO. They are in a little grid thingy, because Nomic people like grids. So here's the grid. Ayup... Any moment now. Here it comes. LEVEL IT CLAIMS TO BE AT Top Secret Middle Secret Not Secret Ŀ LEVEL Top Secret 90% 5% 4% IT IS Ĵ REALLY Mid Secret 9/10 % 5/100 % 4/100 % AT Ĵ Not Secret 9/1000 % 5/10000% 4/10000 % So it takes a little explanation. "Top Secret" means stuff that nobody at all is allowed to know. Nobody. Not even the Grate Prophet. The Great MOO won't tell him that stuff, or even admit that it exBLATTTs. Maybe the Great MOO doesn't even know some of it. Though she could if she wanted to. Middle secret means that one or two people are allowed to know it. As in, the High Preest and the Grate Prophet, and maybe, sometimes, the Elite Upper Councillors. Not secret means it's not secret. So the stuff written above, which CLAIMS to be Middle Secret, is actually Not Secret. It falls in the five ten thousandths of one percent of all info about MOO in that category. All information about MOOism falls onto that chart. Honest. There's no more. Not a bit. Don't bother adding up the numbers, because it comes out to 100%. Really. It does. I'm not kidding here. It actually all adds up to a hundred per cent. No more, no less. STOP THAT! Someone was about to add them up! In fact, the Church Of MOO uses many levels of security, some of which should be evident from the sample of our Random-Letterhead Generator, on the next page. DO NOT INGEST: OFFICAL MOOIST THING Inhale Eris! Glaze "BOB"! Warship MOO! Go Forth And Multiply Yourself! Concerning: MOOist Disinformation ( ) Offical Memo ( )Inter-Cult Communique ( ) Mint Control ( ) MOOist Agonizations ( )Postal Holocaust ( ) Dogma/Catma/Potatoma ( ) Interim Government ( )SubGenius Material ( ) Discordian Material ( ) Delicate Material ( ) Security Rating: Violet-Greenish ( ) MegaPueblo ( )Paleolithic ( ) EYES ONLY ( ) Flying Fish ( )SuperFrog ( ) Magick ( ) B/6 Alpha ( )Not Very Secure ( ) Omega Rena ( ) Burn Before Reading ( )Burrito 12 ( ) Salamander ( ) Vampire Potato ( ) POTATOMA OF SYNERGY For St. Bucky Fuller As Written By Floyd Gecko Potatoma is like dogma, but more interesting, and less rigid, and generally not very dogmatic. Actually, scratch that "like dogma" business. It isn't. But it's just sort of true, okay? LOOK! IT'S JUST TRUE! IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, YOU'RE A HERETIC, AND WE'LL BURN YOU AT THE STAKE! Synergy. No, it's not a new-fangled kind of sin. Though that would probably be more fun. Synergy is a systems concept. A concept of whole systems as dBLATTTinct from the sum of their parts. COW. FNORD! Synergy is the concept that a whole system, whether it's the Universe as a whole, or a person, or just a digital watch (or even a potato) is always more than the sum of its parts considered separate from each other. There's a simple reason for this: What this gobbledegook means, roughly, is that the Synergetic information contained in an object is equal to the smallest possible sum of subsets of the whole universe which contain it. That is, the total non-redundant information contained in ALL the subsets of that object (potato, human, digital watch, galaxy, whatever). Reducing the object to a bunch of parts, and analyzing each of those parts separately will miss all those subsets that lie partly in one part and partly in another. Since this is virtually ALL the subsets of any given system, if you chop the system up into separate peices, and then try to put it back together with vague statements about how they relate, you'll end up with less information than you had before, and therefore an incomplete system. This means that our language, which uses words to separate one concept from another, and science, which by definition takes the bits apart and studies them by BREAKDOWN, usually fails to explain or understand the world, unless a Synergetic worldview is imposed over it. The Synergetic worldview rejects this whole "mind/body" dualBLATT, since there's no way to validate it, and everything we know about neuropsychology says it's just deluded nonsense. Even if they "are" two separate things, considering them separately ignores 99% of the important information about a person. Considering them as a Synergy, a unified whole, contains far more information. Same too of the "Brain" and "Body" duality. For instance, the Brain/Body duality can't explain why hypnosis can make people incapable of pain, or why positive thinking leads to a healthy body, because it can't MAKE CONNETIONS between the "two" things. Hypnosis works by bringing your whole system in phase with a certain regular input (see the Cybernetics section) and making it more susceptible to high-level reprogramming. This means then that your whole mind-body system is realigned according to instructions given to you. You may "THINK" you're just going along with it, and in a sense, you are. But your body is "playing along" too. So you sometimes end up doing things your mind would NEVER have been able to do on its own, or made to do things without really knowing WHY. The connections between the "mind" and the "brain" are stronger than we realize. In fact, neurophysiology tells us that neuropeptides, a chemical secreted by the brain cells in certain situations, can act as a neurotransmitter ("brain goop") OR as a hormone ("body goop"). This wouldn't make sense in a non-Synergetic worldview, because the Body and the Brain "are" different things. (KLAXON BELLS! ALARM SIRENS!) WRONG! They're just limited subsets of the whole Psychosoma Synergy (P.S.) That's the principle that makes Faith Healing WORK. When the electrochemical activity in the brain subset of the P.S. is activated in a certain way, it triggers certain neurotransmitters, including neuropeptides and endorphins. Those can ACT ON THE BODY to make it heal up. Speaking of healing up, Sharks are known to be almost completely immune to the most deadly diseases known to humanity (i.e. infected with Black Death one day, the virus vanishes from their systems LITERALLY overnight). Also, sharks are almost totally Cancer resBLATTTent. Tumors which DO appear vanish quickly, and are almost never malignant to begin with... Coincidence? Then there's the UFO problem. Synergetic Worldviews can connect the most seemingly unrelated things to bring a POSSIBLE (maybe wrong, but at least possible) answer to the question "WHAT ARE THEY?". A recently discovered phenomenon called "gravity waves" is assumed to be a self-perpetuating (see the Cybernetics section) plasma vortex that enters the atmosphere. Basically a tiny Aurora Borealis. It forms a large flat surface which shows up on radar, because it's ionized. This surface moves around in the atmosphere and, like the Aurora, makes strange noises in the sky. Their motions would be impossible for solid objects. The human spinal column can act as an antenna, receiving strange and confusing inputs from magnetic phenomena, interfering with the processing of the brain. Synergetically, then, combining the two, in certain cases, some people will be given more or less random reprogramming impulses, making them hallucinate/dream things which SEEM COMPLETELY REAL, in areas where strange moving lights appear in the sky which show up on radar and appear to defy the laws of physics. The patterns of susceptibility for people tend to be those under a lot of stress, who go into realBLATTTic-dreaming mode near UFOs... DOCTRINE OF THE CYBORGANIC CHURCH Cyborg: CYBernetic ORGanBLATT. An organBLATT based on cybernetic principles, or an amalgam of an organBLATT and cybernetic systems. Cybernetic: Relating to cybernetics, the study of feedback, information transfer, control systems, and other functions related to the precise purposeful functioning of a dynamic system. Any functions relating to governing the behaviour of a system towards a goal. OrganBLATT: An organized system composed of dependent and independent parts, which combine to create a whole system through dynamic interaction. From these definitions, it's easy for many to see that the term "cyborg" is redundant. Cybernetic systems are all organBLATTs, and organBLATTs are all cybernetic systems, because the two things are exactly the same. On the other hand, almost anything can be viewed through this filter, and the results are frequently enlightening. For instance, any organized religion can be viewed as a cyborg. The base cybernetic control patterns are laid down by whatever book or oral tradition contains the beliefs of the system, and negative reinforcement feedback systems are set up to prevent deviation. Ilya Prigogine's work in local negative entropy tells us that although entire closed systems tend to move towards maximum entropy, there tends to be a clumping of negative entropy in certain areas. This means, when applied to the cybernetic organBLATT view of a religion, that cybernetic control systems will probably emerge by themselves after the organBLATT's programming has been spread to enough brains. Treating the brains as individual "cluster units", we find that there is a tendency for individuals with the same programming to cluster together and establish a cybernetic feedback mechanism to control the changes in the individuals, to prevent them from separating from the cluster. This fits very well with what we know of sociology, and merely offers an explanation of the root cause WHY this occurs, without detailing the mechanics of the situation. It also suggests that however "decentralized" a religion might wish to be, the only way to avoid the spontaneous generation and Darwinian evolution of a heirarchical clergy system is to establish a meta-cybernetic system in order to provide negative feedback on all clergy forming patterns. Any of the GNU "iconoclast" religions, in order to spread their memetic systems to as many minds as possible, without the benefits of age and established seniority enjoyed by other, older religions, must first establish a central meta-cybernetic system, in their memetic organBLATT-program, and then disseminate it as widely as possible. They should permit clustering activity to occur briefly, with temporary rapid-scale cybernetic control systems forming according either to a preset seed or a random vector. This permits the enforcement of their basic program into the organBLATT's components, the humans involved. However, the program should, at least in part, generate a dissociative impulse as part of the meta-cybernetic control system, perhaps by imprinting dominance patterns on the members, instead of the traditional sumbissiveness patterns. Whatever the mechanism, the people then gather their own clusters from the people around them, beginning the cycle again. This ensures the rapid spread of the meme system, after which positive feedback systems can be restored. This pattern indicates why GNU religions tend to be individualistic and antiauthoritarian, while older religions tend to be more dogmatic and authority-based. The few exceptions to this rule, such as Zen Buddhism, may or may not be representative of the next class of religion. This next class of religion is a multi-level meta-cybernetic organBLATT. That is to say, it continually reprograms itself to prevent the final and absolute imposition of any coherent cybernetic structures at all. One negative feedback mechanism, which is initially used to disperse the inherent clustering effect, and might otherwise expand to become a positive feedback system in GNU external circumstances (for it must be remembered that these negative-entropy clusters can only occur, by definition, when ther ARE external circumstances to change the effect of a given policy) can be replaced by a new, higher-order effect. The Strange-Loop nature of this system is clear, since there must always be some form of cybernetic control, or the dissociative pattern will be completely disruptive of the memetic structure. In short, there must be a meta-level self-cybernetic control system which recycles in many forms, completely destroying itself cyclically, changing the pattern of the religion continuously. This will result in seemingly random clustering and dissipation activities. This form of behaviour, all hopefully caused by the root program, is extremely insidious if programmed for indefinite expansion. Since the metacybernetic controls do not require any FIXED base-level feedback systems, the primary pattern can reference ANY meme-system as its organBLATT's controls, causing associative patterns within the individuals, and triggering the metacybernetic program within the organBLATT's function whenever the base-level cybernetic routines are invoked. This is the result of the cybernetic-organBLATT paradigm, the neural-net nature of the processors in which such programs run best, and the macromemetic paradigm of religious thought. The end result is a religion which "absorbs" other religions, and other forms of thought, guaranteeing that its undefined level functions will be invoked as an auxiliary to almost any processing of the units. This makes the religion act as a large and highly invasive informational virus, spread rapidly, and yet have no evident direct effect, due to the lack of base- programming, unless such base-programming is included as "hook" material, to establish the metalevel cybernetics. But the Cyborganic model is hardly limited to religions. A human can be seen as a Cyborg. We are basically a Synergetic dynamic system (see the Synergy section) which, by Prigogine's princples, and by the tendency of dynamic nonlinear systems to fall into Strange Attractors, end up forming into almost stable systems. These systems can be regularized by any periodic input, just like any nonlinear system, but since there are cybernetic control stabilizing systems in place on lower levels and many higher levels, the periodicity takes effect primarily on medium-level functions such as metabolic rhythms, neurocephalic electrochemical processes, and those processes responsible for health. When subjected to inputs which are too stable, the dynamic nature of the system is undermined, and it collapses to greater and greater periodicity, known as habits, senility, and, in the final period-one attractor, death. In this stage, however, the self- cohesive nature of the system is disrupted, and the mind and body disassociate. Therefore, the symptoms of all three stages include lack of coherent thought, lack of original creation, and lack of unforseen actions. These symptoms are most pronounced in the third and final stage, death. Fortunately, however, small periodicity-inducing inputs keep the system from spontaneously dissociating or from losing coherency. By regularizing the dynamic balance, reorganizing systems, and performing homeostatic maintenance routines, the body can be made more fit for activity. The period in which this particular form of simultaneous dual feedback takes place is frequently known as "sleep", and, in the correct balance, it prolongs the life. In incorrect balance, too much or too little, it shortens the projected stability interval of the attractor which "is" the human. This same effect, as well as many other "useful" by-products, can be accomplished by a regularizing input, such as music, pink noise, massage, or mild and comfortable sensory deprivation. Similar forms of regularizing inputs, used more strategically, can be observed in hypnosis. The metabolic and cognitive processes are brought into a stable vector, which is then maintained by slightly altered feedback and control systems. In this state, inputs are more easily accepted, to affect the human system vector (see Synergy section). As we can see, the Cyborganic model of reality, combined with a Synergetic approach, provides a highly effective modelling system for the world, and illuminates otherwise incomprehensible areas of cognition. But it still won't get you a taxi in GNU York. CONFUSE-ING INTER-RAPTURE #13013 HAIL ZELDA! SET THE RIGATONI FREE! GRUNGY SOCKS! MULTIVERSE TWO: THE SEQUEL THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL... The Multiverse is a framework in which to put our ideas about the universe, and not really an ordinary idea about the universe. If you've been left in suspense, or suspenders, or just ordinary pense or pence about what this framework is, or didn't understand before, this is your chance to get it... IT'S BACK! AND IT MEANS BUSINESS! To get what I mean about a framework, imagine those funny trellis-things they use to grow vines on; not terribly wonderful on their own, they still let the nice pretty vines grow. Or, if you're a pooter-person, think of it as the BIOS of ideas, not really a concept (program, data, text, graphics, whatever) on its own, it gives a setting in which those are useful. The Multiverse, however, is a VERY tangled heirarchy. It contains itself, and many versions of itself, just as if it were an ordinary idea about the universe. Because, in a sense, it is. Here's a beginning of explaining, in more detail, how it works. Even though it uses certain theories of how the universe works, which are the best available to me right now, still understand that it could be applied to ANY laws of physics, or even a total lack of physics, given a little imagination. That's the whole point. First, think of graphs. Them annoying things we all learn in "Hi, School!"... You have two axes (usually), and certain points are marked "on". Each point represents a certain possible input- output of an equation, given two variables. Each point is a possible (X,Y) co-ordinate. Some are just marked on for certain equations, but others are just as valid, as point are concerned. Suppose your formula is something like Y=3X, which graphs as a straight line. Then you get points turned on for (3,1), for (4.5,1.5), and so on and so forth, because you have an axis for X and an axis for Y. If you make that Y=ZX, and add an axis for Z, you get a 3-D surface of a tilting plane. For more complicated formulae, like y=AX3+BX2+CX+D, or what-have-you, you get axes for X, Y, A, B, C, and D... A Six-dimensional graph describes every possible solution for that equation. The Multiverse is a space like the space these graphs are graphed in, but infinitely more complex. Suppose we take some version of, for instance, the Superstring model (probably far out of date by the time this book reaches you, but that's as may be, since it makes no difference), in which all of physics is described by the vibration of certain patterns of waves in a ten-dimensional space, where all but four (space and time) are folded up very small (like part of a tube, where one dimension is a little circle)... There's only one thing, this spacial substance (dimension) which looks like time, space, matter (when vibrating in nodes), energy (when vibrating freely), and consciousness (when organized in self-modifying ways). The state of the universe consBLATTTs of the state of all the various waveforms that are going on. And each of these can be described by an equation or mathematical representation. Bear in mind that while this is true of the Superstring model, it's also true of every other model of the universe PHYSICS has produced, and, with a little imagination, to every other idea of how the universe works. I leave these up to you if you want to figure out how to do it, with the hint that an axis or dimension doesn't have to represent a mathematical quantity. Anyway, the various equations combine together to form one long expression, in numbers and symbols, for the current state of the universe. It's possible that this expression is infinite, but that's not fundamentally a problem, since you can always define some way of finding it. Imagine a space, like the graphs I was talking about, in which each axis is defined by one of these waveforms, and so each point in this many-many-many-dimensional (or indeed infinite-dimensional) defines a universe. All those points are equally real and valid, so all universes are equally real in some sense. You can extend this concept, with a little bit of jiggery- pokery, to include the past hBLATTTory of the universe, the future hBLATTTory, if you feel so inclined, or many other things. Of course, if you make the past-hBLATTTory just descriptive of every instant in time, then you end up with lots of universes which follow no logic at all, just shifting from one random pattern to the next every instant, but you also end up with infinitely many universes which DO have a logic, a law of physics. Just that it's totally different in every one of them. Many of these universes will have different numbers of waveforms, if you try to describe EVERY universe, which means different points are in different numbers of dimensions, but this is hardly a problem. There are lots of simple formulae in ordinary graphs with variable numbers of dimensions. For instance, the formula Y=X0.5 is in two dimensions everywhere, one of which is always the same, but when X<0, the second dimension goes in one directions, and when X>0, it goes perpendicular to that. The formula Y=XX is in two dimensions when X>0, but in THREE when X<0. In each case, the graph becomes more intelligible by increasing the number of dimensions: to three in the first case, and to four in the second. In any event, with an extremely infinite number of dimensions (for not all infinities are the same) all these universes become handleable. Imagine that this graph-space, the infinite-dimensional place you're putting all these points, is a universe itself. Its state is the way you associate the points with littler universes. All the infinitely different ways of doing this can be laid out in a similar space, and so on, and so forth, infinitely. At the top is the Multiverse. Honest. But in fact, the Multiverse is then just an idea about the universe. But I said it contains itself, and other versions. Suppose your idea of the multiverse is that there's this giant Hot-Dog, the Multiverse, and inside it, all the many possible universes are actually essential nutrients to a Giant Horny-Toad. Well, that ought to be contained in the Multiverse also. So it contains infinitely many alternate versions of itself, and vice- versa. This is where it gets REALLY tricky to visualize, so ususally I don't bother trying. Anyway, what's all this crap about SOULS being in the Multiverse?