Unplastic News #10 F.O.P. July 1993 727 lines "It's like a soup that's out there for three weeks, and you open it and these maggots come out." Bill Graham's criticism of the first Rock Music Awards --/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\========= | | O O -=( )=- -=( )=- U U ___/|\___ ___/|\___ Unplastic News Special Report document of a cross-country journey june 2nd - 26th, 1993 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO F R E A K S O N P A R A D E or H o w I S p e n t My S u m m e r V a c a t i o n By Thaloneous Platypus, HqX This is the first issue of Unplastic News to Offer photos. 7 color & 1 Black and white. If you would like to receive these scans in e-mail (uuencoded JPEG) then please mail our new address: tt1@netcom.com As always, BACK ISSUES are available: gopher.eff.org / Instant Karma Zine Stand redspread.css.itd.umich.edu in EFF.journals ++++ ftp.eff.org in pub/journals ++++ quartz.rutgers.edu in pub/journals ++++ =========================================================================== "Never explain, never apologise" - Dr Hunter S. Thompson. ========================================================================== CONTENTS: ^^^^^^^^^ This issue is a rant by Thaloneous Platypus about his recent trip across America. Below, the F.O.P. numbers refur to the Freaks On Parade photo scans which are available for viewing on your average computer thingie... (e-mail for yours today) While ranting, Thaloneous was viewing the pictures listed below. F.O.P. #1: Funky Sanduski Parking Lot F.O.P. #2: Hip Chicks Hangin' On The Corner F.O.P. #3: Video Arcade Photo Booth Squish F.O.P. #4: Sunny Do-nothing Day In Grant Park by L.S. Drive F.O.P. #5: Moon Over Chicago F.O.P. #6: Tattoos F.O.P. #7: Visiting Jesus, Buddha, Krishna & Bozo on Rocky Mtn. F.O.P. #8: Highest Point Of the Journey ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ..if you really stop to think about it, Bambi is a parable of sexism, nihilism, and despair, portraying absentee fathers and passive mothers in a world of death and violence. -- Roger Ebert ======================================================================= "I desire the Poles carnally" President Jimmy Carter's mistranslation in a 1977 speech in Poland ======================================================================== ( the following was transcribed from T.P.'s cassette recordings made during a friends three-day divorce ceremony in Aruba . - tt ) Hello...pssssttt Is this thing on? Are we recording? Can I get some more of that pate? Folks, for humanity's sake I have scanned-in eight photographs for delivery through e-mail. Ten more rolls of film have yet to be developed, so be warned of a possible addendum to this set at a later date. Thanks, Gertrude...[mumbles something about manifest destiny ] I will describe to you in detail these first eight photographs and contemplate our debauchery. Expect an outrageously explicit version soon to be released by Random Spouse Publishers. It will be titled: Trustafarians, Buttocks and The Art Trauma: My Time Among The Damned - An Unauthorized Autobiography by Thaloneous Platypus. [sound of microphone being muffled by hand] ...well, you tell him to ride his own god damn [static]... But, enough of my yakin'. Let's Boogie. =================================================================== "My feelings toward Christ are that he was a bloody good bloke, even though he wasn't as funny as Margaret Thatcher." Terry Jones, Director of Life of Brian ==================================================================== THE JOURNEY ^^^^^^^^^^^^ START POINT: Rocky Hill, CT END POINT: San Francisco, CA VIA: New York, NY Bloomsburg, PA Sanduski, OH Gary, IN Chicago, IL Des Moines, IA Omaha, NB Boulder, CO Albuquerque, NM Flagstaff, AZ Los Angeles, CA TOTAL MILES: 4,250 TIME: 25 Days CREW: Debbie KillamanjarO Kristina VonKajay-be Thaloneous Platypus Todd Tibbetts (who came along as Thaloneous' photo stunt double and appears in place of Thaloneous in the photos because, for one reason or another, Thaloneous just can't seem to get the hang of showing up on film.) VEHICLE:1982 Olds Cutlass Cruiser Station Wagon authentic faux-wood paneling loaded with pieces snatched and packed last minute retrofitted with the Wall-O-Sound ( two house speakers and a kickin' deck ) ================================================================== From time to time I have heard about unusual business combinations such as a Funeral Parlor and Furniture Store. Recently I was told of one that really got to me. It was a combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business with the motto: "Either Way You Get Your Dog Back". Source is NPR's Car Talk. ================================================================== "Yes, we plot no less than the destruction of the West. Just the other day a friend and I came up with the most pernicious academic scheme to date for toppling the West: He will kneel behind the West on all fours. I will push it backwards over him." -- Michael Berube ...but we beat them to it First, I must apologize for the scan quality. I had to scan at a local under-equipped service bureau that reeked of chicken pot pies and had a faulty heater which whined. F.O.P. #1: Funky Sanduski Parking Lot ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ After the mad dash from NY to OH, it was getting to be sun-up. We parked the big green buggy and got a hotel to crash in till noon. When we woke, we sped directly to Cedar Point Amusement Park and had a little mushroom pizza for breakfast. The park went on forever. Deb discovered and named the "The Disposable Masses". Those were the MTV Pepsi Nike kids who all seemed to look exactly the same. Deb noticed the absence of The Art Tragedy Crowd which she is all too familiar with in NYC -- ( those poor sad cats in all black who are also black on the inside because life isn't fair. ) We rode every coaster (twice we rode the one we named Disco-Coaster) and then it began to rain so we hit the IMAX 7-story theater and rode out the last hours of daylight watching a Spielburg-esque ditty called Flying. We deemed it an appropriate film. In the parking lot, I changed my clothes and checked under the hood (of the car). Little did I know that we were being watched by Ed & Edna who were parked in a car near us. They asked us over for a fat joint and Ed kept dropping ash on his sunburned pot belly. Edna asked, "Wannabeer?" "We jist been gowin' into the park n' ridin' then comin' out here n' burnin' up a fatty n' drinkina beer.." said Ed, "..say, you needa beer?" They kept trying to push beers on us. We told them we had to drive to Chicago before we fell asleep so no thanks. Then we drove to Chicago before we fell asleep. =========================================================================== "We're still the only ones true to the original aims of punk. Those other bands should be destroyed." Mick Jones of the Clash =============================================================================== "Equal Rights were created for everyone." contesant in 1990 Mr. New Jersey Male pageant ======================================================= Damn, I look good with guns. Ted Nugent ============================= F.O.P. #2: Hip Chicks Hangin' On The Corner ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The days in Chicago were filled with sun. Laying around in it, telling stories, was our biggest priority. Met a guy in the park who was trying to learn English so he asked us to explain to him a phrase from a high-brow Jungian philosophy text he was reading. When he heard I was going to San Francisco he told me I should get into the cappuccino business because it was booming. The nights were full of booze, obnoxious music and natural oils from The Body Shop. I said to my pal Kristina, "Hey, why don't you quit your job and drive with me like two bats out of Hades toward the western lands?" She said, "OK." ============================================================================== "Rock music is the most brutal, ugly, vicious form of expression...sly, lewd - in plain fact, dirty...rancid-smelling aphrodisiac...martial music of every delinquent on the face of the earth." Frank Sinatra, Oct.29, 1957 ============================================================================== >From the Boston Herald, 5/6/93: Portland, OR - A would be William Tell trying to shoot a fuel can off his friend's head missed his mark, and shot him through the head. Neurosurgeons say it's a miracle the victim survived with no brain damage. During a drinking bout of a group called Mountain Men Anonymous in Grants Pass, Michael Kennedy fired the arrow as Anthony Roberts, 25, stood by a tree with the can on his head. It went into Robert's right eye and 8 to 10 inches into his brain, but missed all the major arteries. Paramedics saved Robert's life by restraining him when he tried to pull the arrow out himself in the helicopter on the way to the hospital. Surgeons removed it by drilling a larger hole around the tip at the skull's back and pulling it through. ====================================================================== F.O.P. #3: Video Arcade Photo Booth Squish ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ We stopped at a one-hour photo place and, while we waited, went next door to play pinball. They had one of those nifty photo booths. We squished into it and acted like a cackle of dunces. We had to leave because all the men in the arcade (and believe me, there are a great deal of interesting men in Chicago arcades in the late afternoon on a Sunday) wanted to get close to my pals. Kris tilted. I matched and Deb got some multi-balls. ============================================================================ Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. - Albert Einstein =========================================================================== E. Frenkel, a Soviet "psychic healer and mentalist," felt he had gathered the "psychic-biological power" to stop a speeding train, so he stepped in front of one to prove it. "First I stopped a bicycle, cars, and a streetcar," wrote Frenkel. "Now I'm going to stop a train. Only in extraordinary conditions of a direct threat to my organism will all my reserves be called into action." Frenkel jumped in front of a train near the city of Astrakhan "with his arms raised, his head lowered, and his body tensed." The train ran over and killed him. - Newsday ========================================================================= F.O.P. #4: Sunny Do-Nothing Day In Grant Park By Lake Shore Drive ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Not much to say. Another day in the Chicago sun. Body Shop Pure Watermelon Natural Sun Block, Snapple, a firm wooden pipe, a blanket and lots of dancing clouds. ========================================================================= Rescuers tried but failed to save the life of 39-year-old Kenneth Thorne, who suffered a heart attack at his home in Quincy, MA. Thorne weighed between 700 and 750 pounds. The _Patriot_Ledger_ of Quincy reported that paramedics "found Thorne wedged inside a small bathroom, unconscious and not breathing." When Thorne wouldn't fit in the ambulance, police called Tino's Gulf for a flatbed-style tow truck. Thorne rode to the hospital strapped to the bed of the tow truck, but arrived too late. "He was a very large man," said Tino Vitali, owner of Tino's Gulf. ======================================================================== The bombing of the World Trade Center destroyed a 54-by-8-foot mural by Cynthia Mailman that was on the wall of the building's commuter train station. The loss wasn't the artist's first. In 1978, she was delivering a large portrait of God as a naked woman when it flew off the roof of her van on an expressway and was run over by a car. In 1980, an outdoor mural she had painted three years earlier was bricked over. In 1981, she was storing all her work in an empty house in her neighborhood. The building caught fire, and all but one piece of art was destroyed. "I used to think that everything else dies and art alone exists forever," Mailman said, "but it isn't true." The Montgomery Express/North, 4/21/93 ======================================================================== F.O.P. #5: Moon Over Chicago ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A picture to remember our crazy youth by. I set the camera on this big metal thing in an ally. DEB: "Do you think you should put the camera on that big metal thing?" ME: "Why?" KRIS: "Because it says, 'DANGER: 10,000 volts." ME: "Aw Hell. That's just there to scare you. Don't believe everything you read." I set the timer and it popped. We weren't really ready for the picture and the flash caught us with our pants down, but we couldn't take another photo because a tremendous flash of power ripped out of the big metal thing and knocked us unconscious. ============================================================================== The "I'm not homeless! I'm in transit!" List or 8 Things To Avoid While Going Cross Country #8-- going on skis #7-- regardless of how much you think you are going to like it, you will wish, at least two-thirds of the way through the trip that you brought more than that one tape of ukelele music. #6-- attempting to pick-up road kill from all 48 contiguous states. #5-- re-enacting Evil Kanevals rocket sled stunt over the grand canyon (but with your 82 olds station wagon) #4--Thinking the car is in forward when it is really in reverse while you are pulling out of a biker bar. #3-- Falling for that damn Gasoline from water and pills scam. #2-- Forgetting your bottled human Adrenalin Gland #1-- Two words: Fog Machine ===================================================================== F.O.P. #6: Tattoos ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ We put Deb on an airplane back to NYC because she had to work... which by that point was a very foreign concept to me. Kris said, "Let's get tattoos and hit the road." It began to downpour as we headed to the Chicago Public Library. We were researching designs for the body modification ceremony. Kris said I should be the one to go first. I sat in the chair, signed the form, gave him my design and he began to grind black ink into my skin with a vibrating needle. Strangely erotic and overly bloody. I now have a modified Torrii on my arm. It's a symbol pilfered from the Shinto. It is a spiritual portal derived from two Japanese symbols meaning bird and perch. Sailors think it's good luck if they can sail their boat through the harbor Torriis. The vertical pillars represent the sky and the horizontal, the earth. Now I got a bunch of pesky demons flying in and out of my arm! I told Kris she would have no problem with the pain if she had ever survived a dentist. What I didn't know is that the place she got hers is one of the most tender on the body. (lower back above the buttock) She bit into a towel and almost fainted. Now she has a tiny blue dolphin jumping on her back. The artist did a good job with a few shades of blue. When she wears her bikini, it looks like the dolphin is diving out of her bottoms. Freedom. Intelligence. The scan came out horrible so you can't see her's at all really. >> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >> >Over the years I've heard most of the excuses at post-match interviews >> >but the one by Zambian tennis player Lighton Ndefwayl after a defeat by >> >countryman Musumba Bwayla takes the cake. >> >> >Said Lighton: "Bwalya is stupid and a hopeless tennis player. He has a >> >huge nose and is cross-eyed. He beat me because my jock strap was too >> >tight and when he serves he passes gas and I lose my concentration for >> >which I am famous throughout Zambia." >> ----------------------------------------------------------------------- In a _Toronto_Star_ column, Peter V. MacDonald shared these examples of questions asked by lawyers during courtroom proceedings: "And how old a woman are you, sir?" "Now isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?" "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?" "And the youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?" "Were you alone or by yourself?" "Were you present in the courtroom this morning when you were sworn in?" "How many times have you committed suicide?" ============================================================================ F.O.P. #7: Visiting Jesus, Buddha, Krishna & Bozo On The Rocky Mountains ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This trip rebooted my mind. On top of the mountain, we got real close to the super funky disco deity! That goddess of truth, light and inexpensive parking! That lord of coolness. We were at a point where we couldn't remember what day it was and didn't really care. The thin air, hot sun and cool snow cured our ills. We lived the second. We also met the Trustafarians. Young men & women, all-white, with dreadlocks, nose rings and a trust fund. America at it's best! ============================================================================ Q: Did you know that Ranch Apocalypse had an Internet connection? A: Yes, and Koresh's last news post started: "Feel free to flame me, but..." ========================================================================== "Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." --spaf (1992) ========================================================================= From the March '93 "Yankee" magazine: A prisoner at Boston's Deer Island House of Corrections wrapped himself in a white sheet and climbed onto the prison roof, refusing to come down until someone named all six children on "The Brady Bunch." Five hours later, guards were still scratching their heads. Disgusted, the prisoner descended and requested a transfer "to anywhere." ========================================================================== F.O.P. #8: Highest Point Of The Journey ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Another view from the top of the mountain. Again the scans are bad, but you get the idea. Sun & snow & thin air. The altitude enhances intoxicants. One beer is like drinking a six pack. One joint is like an oz. ============================================================================== More to come...as if words could even begin to describe the liberation & ecstasy... tp WILD thanks to: Glen Kretmar OEM Contract Specialist Keith Bostic B. Hathrum Duk (who manned cyber-central from a grassy knoll in Phoenix) Javier Machado from ConRail Corporation jesse@netcom.com (Jesse Montrose) the guy who makes my coffee at the greek place on the corner in the morning beverly, ah...too be free like she and her kisses hot ok...one more news item.... ========================================================================= Subject: Fractured English, banjo dept. From: Rich Stillman x6135 I came across the following example of the advertiser's craft on a label pasted to the inside of an instrument at the local antique instrument shop. The instrument claims to be a banjo, although it looks more like the unfortunate result of a collision between a mountain dulcimer and a typewriter. The instrument is all wood, finished in black paint and has "Japan Music" written in gilt on the outside. My best guess is that it was made sometime between 1920 and 1960. It has seven strings, six of which are identical and cover a >total< of about an inch of width. There are a number of typewriter-style keys with labels like "5#" which, when struck, hit all seven strings simultaneously and produce a sound very much like dropping a bowling ball in a piano, only much quieter. The instrument has thus far defied all attempts to tune or play it. The greatest entertainment has come from reading the label inside the soundhole. I reproduce it here with every spelling error and comma in place. The address at the bottom is legitimate, in case you decide you want to order your own. Special Quality Banjo Best quality of excellent material, assured, most attractive latest design, will finished, matchlessly beautiful, sweetness tunes unique, most, carefully inspected, minutely tested and easiest of all the musical instruments to learn and to play upon Peerlessly harmonious specially suitable for Cinema tunes, English Indian Modern, Oriental Ballads lyrics, and all types of melodies can be enjoyed upon this Banjo. LAXMI TON MUSICAL HOUSE 190, Khetwadi, 12 Lane BOMBAY 4. Of course, I have no connection with the above company, except as a satisfied customer. ;-) Now that's a banjo! If I could only find me some English Indian Modern tablature... ======================================================================== real art is soooo cool * The New Yorker magazine reported in April that artist Nancy Rubins's work, appearing at the Kasmin gallery on Grand Street, consisted of a room "nearly filled" with "old mattresses dotted with mounds of partially mashed Entenmann's cakes and suspended a few inches off the floor." No other information about the exhibit was given. [The New Yorker, Apr93] ======================================================================= All are architects of Fate, Working in these walls of Time, Some with massive deeds and great, Some with ornaments of rhyme. Longfellow ======================================================================== "This is Unix -- I can use this!" the little girl in Jurassic Park ========================================================================== NEXT ISSUE: The Second Unplastic Field Trip Of The Summer wherein, our hero, B. Hathrum Duk takes a train from Baltimore, thru that Canada place and on to San Fran. with the first ever electronic ZINE soundtrack... tt