**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### ***************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************** **********************PARTS SEVENTY-SIX TO EIGHTY*************************** (Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia) (Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu) _______________________________________________________________________________ Yeti Toxic Custard Duel *************** *** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Number 76 **** *** ******* Monday 23rd December 1991 **** *** *** **** Written by Daniel Bowen *** **** **** vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au *** ********--------------------------------------------- MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... H Christmas. Christ knows where the idea of Christmas came from. Jesus? o What kind of peace-loving poof was he anyway? You know where Jesus would have come in handy? Working at McDonald's. One wave of his hand.. h and bingo! Two hundred Filet'o'Fishes, piping hot. "Enjoy your meal, o brother, and have a good life. Oh, I see that you are one of the meek. Here, have one of our complimentary 'Inherit The Earth' special offer h coupons." o But how on Earth did the anniversary of the birth of Christ turn into the vomit-inducing commercial Christmas we know and hate today? h Well I'll tell you. It all happened centuries ago. A consortium of o mediaeval toy manufacturers decided to promote Christmas as a time of goodwill, and convince the ignorant peasants that the only way to show h goodwill was to give the kids a Robin Hood Action-Peasant doll to play o with. With working accessories. Collect the whole Merry Men (tm) range. I really really really hate Christmas. Queueing up for years to buy h all the Christmas presents for the little brats of relatives I know, a when I know full well that they'll hate everything I hand over to them. Well, almost everything. Let's face it, either they'll hate it and h never use it, or they'll love it and smash it to pieces within five a minutes of getting it. Last Christmas I gave a cricket bat to my nephew, Matthew. Twenty h minutes later we were in the ambulance on the way to hospital to get e fifteen stitches put in his sister Jenny's head. And the bat was broken. Bloody Taiwanese rubbish. We got another bat, of course. And h Matthew does use it. For battering the other neighbourhood kids around. e So it's been useful for him. He's collected $200 from threatening this year. So he'll be able to get some nice Christmas presents for his h family. The spirit of giving, what a wonderful thing. a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h a CHRISTMAS TO BE CANCELLED? Santaprises Ltd has been dogged by financial problems this year, and h there are now some doubts that Christmas will go ahead at all. In a September it was announced that Santaprises had made a $16.5 million h pre-tax loss in a year. Santa said at the time that profitability would a increase later in the year. h In October a dispute with the Federated Elves Union slowed a preparations for the Christmas rush. The FEU wanted working hours and pay to be improved, with particular emphasis on penalty rates for late h Christmas Eve work. A spokeself for the FEU claimed that most staff o worked constantly on Christmas Eve, without even a break, and that more staff should be hired to handle present deliveries. The dispute was h settled peacefully, the elves accepting the offer of an extra tax-free o lollypop for every hour worked. Early last week, two men representing owners of some of the sleds t leased to Santaprises boarded a sled at the North Pole Santaprises e Despatch Centre and tried to repossess it- e h MAN 1: Okay scumbags. Stop loading those presents. This is our sled, e and we want it back. e h MAN 2: Yeah, we want it back. a h HEAD ELF: I think you'd better have a word with the boss. [Calls] a Father Christmas! h a MAN 1: Yeah, I think we'd better. * a MAN 2: Yeah. r g [Santa enters] h * SANTA: Elfy! M-man! What's happenin'? C HEAD ELF: Two gentlemen to see you, Santa. a r MAN 1: You Santa Claus? d i SANTA: Yo. a c MAN 1: Mr Claus, we represent Polar Holdings, owners of your sleds. And we're here to repossess them. a r SANTA: Baby baby baby. Relax. Be nice. Owners? What is property? r Property of something means you can give it away. Giving things e away is great. That's my game, man. I'm a sort of reverse debt s collector. Giving makes you feel good. It gives you a great high t to give someone something. Okay, so it may cost me heaps, but ! every year... woo! What a trip! And anyway, bro', have you got a court injunction saying we have to hand them sleds over? G r MAN 1: Well, no, not as such. u n SANTA: Then like, bog off, man, before we send you packing. Me an' the t elves are busy. Elfy - show these dudes out. h n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n Toxic Custard Workshop Files would like to wish all g readers a really very bloody Merry fucking Christmas. t And remember folks, swearing is almost as much fun s as giving. A bumper set of TCWF back-issues makes a z great gift! To find out how to get your FREE back- c issues, reply to this, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu z ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ . . Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen . -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Silent night, holy night Melbourne Australia | Skins and punks, in a fight vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | Pros are offering evening delights TCWF- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Sleep and call the poli-i-i-i-ice Sle-eep and call the police. _______________________________________________________________________________ The Seventy-Seventh Toxic Custard - - - T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S - - - Number seventy-seven 30th December 1991 Written by Daniel Bowen ------------------------------------------------------------------- S THE ADVENTURES OF *POPSICLE* o , Mr *Popsicle*, secret agent for A.R.S.E, and Inspector Unnecessary- Violence are nearing the end of an investigation into nutmeg smugglers. t *Popsicle* prised himself.. I mean prides himself on being one of the h most commonly appearing characters in TCWF. The author valiantly a managed to avoid embedding a plug for TCWF back-issues in the middle of t the story. In any case, you should know what's happening with the plot, and if you don't, I suggest you take a look at the bac*ARGH* w a *Popsicle* and the Inspector drove into the university and spent s half an hour looking for a parking space, before giving up and parking in a disabled space, the Inspector reasoning that if anyone argued with 1 them, he'd disable them. They were looking out for one of the 9 lecturers, named Rob, who had been named as the nutmeg supplier. 9 It took them fifteen minutes and five violent threats to find Rob's 1 office, up on the sixth floor of `F' block. Whereas they could have . just strolled in and arrested him, it was agreed between them that they should surround the place, because it was potentially more violent. W After consulting with headquarters, and the author (who agreed on the h grounds that it would make the end of the story more dramatic), they e set up their men from the A.R.S.E. Hostage Overview Liberation r Efforcement squad around the office. e As soon as the Inspector had figured out how to turn the megaphone ' on, his voice rang out down the corridor and around the corner to the d room, from where he and *Popsicle* had positioned themselves. "Mr Robert Redpork! This is the Australian Royal Security i Establishment, Mr Redpork. You have five seconds to come out and t surrender with your hands up, your feet down, and your shoulders somewhere in between. If you do not surrender within five seconds, a we're coming in for you. Five seconds, Mr Redpork.. and after that, l we'll waltz straight in there and take you, dead or alive." l It took the Inspector just under a minute to count to five. Then he gave the order. "Start the music!" One of the squad turned on the tape g recorder, and armed men from all directions waltzed their way towards o the door. As they neared it, the door opened, and a man walked out, ? wearing a red skivvy(*), brown corduroy trousers, sandals, a haircut banned by the Geneva Convention, and an identity tag stuck (with some I pleasure) to his left nipple, proclaiming "Robert Redpork, Computer Technology Lecturer". h "What's all this noise?" he shouted above the din of the band. o "It's just one or two of you up the back, ruining it for all of us, p isn't it. Keep the noise down, please!" e So, after searching his office, they arrested him for illegal possession of nutmeg. Later additional haircut charges were added, and y *Popsicle* and the Inspector congratulated themselves on a truly o wonderful investigation by getting completely pissed and trying out u half-a-dozen of the confiscated nutmegs. d (*) American readers read "turtleneck". Jesus, can't you people i use proper English? d - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s CRICKET REPORT o Australia was victorious over India in the third test at the Melbourne m Cricket Ground which finished on Sunday. A major part of the Australian e victory has been attributed to the brand new Great Southern Stand, t which collapsed just after lunch when the crowd attempted an h over-enthusiastic Mexican wave. The stand squashed most of the Indian i team, leaving only captain Mohammad Azharuddin left uninjured to field n by himself for the entire day. It could be said that that the remaining g day of play in the game should have been abandoned, but it was felt (especially among the Australian team) that it would be a hell of a lot m of fun. They managed to score 20,209 runs during the day, cementing o their victory. Australia declared when their running shoes wore out. r - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e I been drivin' down the road today u Honking at anything in my way s Swerving all over the bloody road e Surprised I haven't dropped all my load f u Yes I'm a truck driver, earning cash l Stopping twice a day to have a slash d Speeding down the motorway, burning up tar u And trying not to hit too many cars r Early morning, a lot of fog i What chance had I of seeing the dog? n g Yes I'm a truck driver, speeding past your door If I keep this speed up I'll get paid much more t h The tyres are worn out but who really cares e Next place I see I'll just give 'em more air Stopped at a cafe next to a wood y They have the nerve to call this stuff food? e a Yes I'm a truck driver, driving all night r Get in my way and I'll give you a fright t My eyelids are lowering - suddenly I wake h Looks like the cabin's submerged in a lake a So the load's half wet, who really cares? n All I'm carrying is crateloads of beer. r Yes I'm a truck driver, truckin' truck truck e I might be an arsehole, but who gives a fuck? a d ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i So that's Toxic Custard over for another year. n I'm surprised it isn't past its read-by date g yet. Back-issues are STILL available.. please folks, take them off our hands! Send mail to t tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. h ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i s New Prime Minister Paul Keating has been criticised by former PM Bob Hawke. "He doesn't cry enough", said former prime ministerial pin-up c Bob. Keating struck back, calling Hawke a scumbag, and a silly old r bugger. But we all knew that anyway, didn't we. I mean, he *IS* a a politician, after all. p . -- Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Send Toxic Custard requests/comment to: Melbourne, Australia | tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | Pretty piers with a ferry on top? _______________________________________________________________________________ Rapidly Spinning Toxic Custard TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ____ ___ Written by Daniel Bowen / |___| Monday, 6th January 1992 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . | |___|RPM? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . HAPPY NEW YEAR! - Hello. I'd like to exchange last year for a new year, please. - But.. what happened to the old one? S o - It's gone! It went at midnight last Tuesday night. We were all in the , street counting down with the clock, pissed as newts, and when we reached zero, it had gone! 1991 had completely vanished by the time t we'd finished the first verse of Auld Lang Syne and started throwing h bottles at the policemen. We were practising for Bush's visit on e Friday. Anyway.. I'm telling you! 1991 is gone! Kaput! n - I see. And in exchange for a vanished old year, last season's e model, I might add, you expect us to hand over to you, without w charge, a brand new top-of-the-range 1992 year with a free bonus day and special "Leap" feature? y e - Yes please. a r -- *sigh* Well, okay. Here you are. Please take care of it. Don't let it fly by, I want it back by next year! h a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s THE DOCTOR a r In the waiting room you wait your turn. r Don't breathe in if you don't want germs. i Come into my office and have a seat, v I'm Doctor Killer, pleased to meet. e d Hello there, you say you're ill? Better cough up, 'cos I don't bulk-bill. a Lie down here; does it hurt? l I'll put this cold thing up your shirt. r e Then I'll stick this thing up your nose, a While you take off all your clothes. d Lots of probes, and then some. y In your ear and up your bum. . Ah ha! I know what's wrong with you! T Much more serious than just the flu. i What would you like, a box of pills? m I do hope that you've made a will. e Take ten of these ten times a day r Now piss off; on the way out, pay. e Oh dear, he's dead, where's that nurse? a I'll get her to call the hearse. l l - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... d America. I think America is a wonderful place. Disneyland, the Grand o Canyon, the Rocky Mountains, the Statue of Liberty. I think the US e Government should build the twin statue for the Statue of Liberty. It s could be a gigantic monument to all the values of America today. It could be the huge statue of a white drug-running poverty-stricken anti- f choice mass-murdering rap-dancing Ku-Klux-Klan supporting Republican l voter who looks like a cross between Arnie and Sly Stallone, with big y Rambo muscles (with the scars and stuff), a hamburger, a horrific accent and a big hat. Drinking loads of beer and watching the Superbowl a while he fires his gun into a restaurant. l George Bush flew in last week, to meet the people, look around and o take in all that Australia has to offer. In 67 hours. And I bet half of n that was looking at the clouds through a plane window. g Why is it that Bush looks so... shrivelled? Not as shrivelled as . Ronald Reagan looked, I'll admit, but still shrivelled. He looks to me like the type of weedy git everyone would gang up on in the school yard I if he hadn't brought his 200 security men along. I saw him on the s telly, driving down the freeway from the airport, somewhere in a convoy of twenty big black cars. It must be to prevent terrorist attacks - i they won't know which car to aim for. I wonder if he found out about t the protestors in the city centre? A sort of New World Public Disorder. I saw those thousand points of light, too. When all the press r photographers' flashes went off at once as he made some inane comment e about Waltzing Matilda. a But he holds such power in those fingers of his. Apart from l insulting people through car windows, that is. It's his job to protect l the world.. to protect the world from the horror, the anguish and the y pain of Dan Quayle. I wonder if the CIA even try and protect Quayle? Maybe they just try and make sure he doesn't impale himself on a pen 1 he's signing documents with. Or would they really bother? Would it be 9 such a loss? I wonder if Mrs Quayle is also of abnormally low 9 intelligence? She'd have to be, you'd think, to marry him in the first 1 place. And if that's the case, how thick are their offspring going to be? a l ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ r That was the first Toxic Custard for 1992. Hooray, e happy new year etc etc. Now go and do something a useful. Or, if you don't feel like it, you could d grab a look at TCWF back-issues. For details of how y to get your dirty mits on these, send mail to ? tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's just as well most houses have less toilets than people. Otherwise, you can bet everyone would be on the toilet when the phone rings. -- Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Melbourne Australia | POPE GETS GRIT IN MOUTH! vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | _______________________________________________________________________________ Sadly Missing Toxic Custard ********** ********* TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Written by * * * Number 79 Daniel Bowen * ********* Monday 13th January 1991 and sister _________*__________*__________________________________________________ The best thing about hearing a Bryan Adams song on the radio A is knowing there won't be another one for at least a couple of hours. n - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o t Ever wondered how paper is recycled? It's from old paper, of course. h But not straight away. Most old paper being recycled has been used, so e it has to be processed first. All the old paper is put into a bloody r big machine, and the ink that's on it is systematically scraped off by a sort of a razor blade. When that's finished, the paper is clean and d ready to be used for something else, and not only that.. the ink is a churned up in a big pot and melted into liquid again, so it can be y re-used for filling up zillions of biros. What good is this, you might , ask. Okay, so recycling paper saves trees all over the world which provides more oxygen to breathe so the human race can wipe itself out a by something other than asphyxiation. n But what about the ink? Ever stop and wonder where ink comes from? o In fact, ink is made from the dead corpses of the Inca tribes of Peru. t The Inca peoples were (and in some areas, still are) a proud race of h warriors, but they tend, like most of us, to slow down a bit when e they're dead. Still, while they're still alive, their diets consist of r a number of South American berries, so many that much of their bloodstream, by the time they die, is navy blue. d This was discovered earlier this century by a little Hungarian o twerp, who decided to drain out the blood from dead Incas, boil it up l and use it as "ink" (a cruel and sadistic pun if ever there was one) in l his new invention, the biro. What a bastard. Tribes in other areas of a South America eat red berries and it is these areas that are harvested r for red ink. Expeditions into South America are still sponsored by Bic, , Pentel and Parker, to retrieve tribal bodies and suck ink out of them. So.. recycle your paper today! Save trees and Inca corpses! a n - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o t Hi, I'd like to buy a pair of red pyjamas please, size Large. Yes, h they'll do fine. And I'd like a red skivvy (*), size Large. And what e have you got in the way of red pullovers? Yes, v-neck. Size? Oh, r probably about Large. Some red underpants? And have you got anything in way of red trousers? Oh, surely you must have something? Well yes, I w *do* want red. I'm a red fetishist, you see. I love red. It's a great e colour, red. Okay, so politically it isn't so popular now, but look at e it spectrum-wise. Look at how red the red is. Its... reddishness. Isn't k it great? In fact, there's a red fetishists' convention next week. , Called "Ready for Red '92 - Reddening our world." Unfortunately, my wife has had enough of red, and doesn't want to come with me. She's a into blue. n o (*) American readers read "turtleneck". Jesus, can't you people use t proper English? h e The author's sister, a linguistics student, would like to point out r that the above comment is a highly PRESCRIPTIVIST notion. Language variation is as solid a fact as the Newbrook Austo-Asian C phonetic/phonemic distribution theory. Standard North American usage u may find the lexical item "skivvy" difficult to process, but intra and s international semantic and lexical variation is the spice which makes t our lives joyful. a r The author would like to point out to his sister that this is HIS d outlet for his private grudges against the world and not hers, or . anyone elses, so everyone else can just shut up and stop interrupting . his train of thought. a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n o MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... t UFOs. Well, it's a load of crap, isn't it. Here we are on the little h planet Earth wondering if there's any intelligent life in the universe. e And trying to send out messages to attract aliens. I wonder why? Don't r we have enough problems of our own without inviting little green men to fly in and strut their stuff in public, disrupting people's busy lives? M Anyway.. they're *alien*, aren't they? Strange and unknown. How do we o know they haven't already landed? How do we know the aliens haven't n already arrived and infiltrated the human race? I sometimes wonder d about my husband Fred, actually. He's a very strange person in some a ways. I used to think he might be a visiting alien, but I decided he's y probably just dim. But then, he is the typical Australian man. , I've often wondered just what would happen if aliens landed in our cities. They could land in Melbourne, by the Arts Centre, and nobody a would notice their flying saucer.. everyone would think it was a new n avant-garde sculpture. They could climb out with their green scaly o skin and their two hundred tentacles each and walk up the street t sucking up small children, and everyone would think it was a new form h of street theatre. Who actually organises those sculptures, and that e street threatre? I'll tell you the truth. The aliens are already here. r The Arts Centre spire is a landing beacon for them. Everyone you see around the Arts Centre is strange. And you never see street artists s talking to people, do you? It's true. They're ALIENS. I always thought i mime was suspicious. d e ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ w You have been nothing. And still are. You are a absolutely nothing. Nothing and nobody. And you y have been reading the Toxic Custard Workshop s Files. And it serves you bloody well right. For back-issues, why don't you just drop dead? m ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e s Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen s -- a Daniel Bowen, Monash University | NOW AVAILABLE: g Melbourne, Australia | Bottled Presidential Vomit e vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | Exclusive to . TCWF- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Nippon-Fijutsu-Bridgeriverkwai Corp. . . TC's too short, I write alone Maybe I'll try and do a poem It's ten o'clock, I'm out of time Trying to get this stuff to rhyme But is it funny? No not really In fact, it's really pretty silly. Yuck. _______________________________________________________________________________ Barely Audible Toxic Custard Can't stop this thing we started.. ARGH! (Tried pressing CTRL-C?) ___________ _________ _________ _________ ________ | | | | |________ |_________| | | | |_________ |____|____| | |_________| |________| .....TOXICCUSTARDWORKSHOPFILESNUMBER80JANUARY20TH1992WRITTENBYDANIELBOWEN..... Welcome to another BELOW AVERAGE edition of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. And at this point I would just like to add: No use libro de B pagos en el caso que lo haya usado anteriormente. a s Omigod another blank screen. Quick, improvise something. Train of i thought.. train of thought.. "Train of thought departing platform one c and stopping all stations." No, no no. a l - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - l y Debate has been running hot down a blind alleyway off Fitzroy Street , and going round and round in political circles on the subject of rain this week. Prime Minister and self-professed all-time good-guy Paul t Keating has expressed his concern about the plight of the wet in h today's society. "Shelter for the soggy should be a priority", he said. e He attacked an Opposition policy cutting back on umbrellas for the wet, s a programme introduced by the Government on a rather showery April day e last year. The Government also criticised the Opposition policy on optometry, accusing it of being short-sighted. s i - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d e Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Caulfield w Racecourse for the Identical Horse Names Handicap Stakes. By chance, a the six horses picked for this race today have all managed to have the y same name - "Papillon". So, I can promise you this: it's going to be a s helluva confusing race today. A quick run-down of the odds as the horses move into the starting enclosure.. Papillon is favourite at 2-1, m then Papillon 7-2, Papillon 5-1, Papillon and Papillon 10-1, and e finally the outsider, Papillon, at 100-1. Well, the horses are all s ready, and I'm assured that the Jockeys know which one is which... So s as the green light goes on and we get ready for the Identical Horse a Names Handicap Stakes, I've just got time to say that the author thinks g we've milked this joke dry and it's time for the next item. e s - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a A couple of weeks ago I was clearing out the cupboard and I decided r that I just never was the right person to own a 70 in 1 electronic e project kit. It's something I got as a kid, but to my lasting disappointment, I never discovered just how to electrocute my sister d with it. More to the point, the vast majority of the 70 projects were e never completed. There's only so many wires you can push into little s sockets before you get bored with the whole thing and go and decide to i climb a tree. Must be race memory or something. Not that I really was g the outdoor type. My life outdoors was for the most part just an n unavoidable part of being between different places that were indoors. e Then I got... ROLLERSKATES! Of course, it took a few weeks to learn d how to skate on them properly, and many months after that for the scars to heal, but it did seem, at first glance, the perfect way to get t around. You could roll down to the milkbar for some sweets, almost but o not quite roll under a truck crossing the road, roll back, dropping most of what you'd bought on the ground, and eventually skid to a o cat-terrifying halt outside the front gate. Which, if it was jammed, v you just *could not* open with rollerskates on. You'd be pushing on it, e but moving nowhere. Eventually, of course, as will all things, you'd r grow out of them. Physically if not mentally. I see rollerblades are c "in" now. It just goes to show, there's nothing to compare with putting o your skates on and rolling uncontrollably down hills knocking over old m ladies. e - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - c l MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... a Days. Now, I never had any kids (Fred's a bit of a let-down in that s department) but as I remember it, school days were far from the best s days of my life. More like the average to worse days, some of them. Mind you, I can't complain.. school taught me that the best things in d life are expensive. And that's something I'll never be able to forget, i or afford. v Anyway, there's only so many hours in a day. Around about twenty- i four, to be precise. I wonder who made up how we measure time. Probably s someone related to this bloke Ivor M Perial, who thought up feet and i inches and stuff. I bet he was pissed at the time. Why should there be o twenty-four hours in a day? Or why not? I suppose by now we're stuck n with it. s Ever noticed how stupid Porsches look from the back? That's nothing to do with the topic, just an observation. I sometimes wonder if i anybody would buy a Porsche if they had seen the back of it. At the n front, it's the super-cool, mega-stud, snobby-git, I'm-a-rich-bastard- with-an-expensive-car image. Just like the Volvo I'm-a-complete-prat s image. Meanwhile at the back of the Porsche, phhht. o Of course, exhaust pipes are always on the back of cars. That's the c one feature of a car that you'll never see on a tv commercial, i actually. And it's quite fitting that the exhaust is at the back... e because car pollution is like a fart. Everyone knows it happens, even t if they don't like it, but they ignore it, pretend it isn't theirs, and y hope it will go away. . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A You are reading a thinly disguised plug for n TCWF BACK-ISSUES!!! For information on how d to get your hands on the aforementioned TCWF BACK-ISSUES!!!, send mail around about now a to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n -- o Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen y -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University, | p Melbourne, Australia | I think fishing e vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | is a load of carp. o TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | p l What I want to know is... did Elvis wear Levis? e * * I'd say it's an element of any post-allegorical discussive climax of the positionist stance. Either that or a load of bollocks. _______________________________________________________________________________ To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu -- Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen May be copied or reproduced without permission provided this notice remains intact. -- Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling ----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over... tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]