***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 49 ####========================================================#### "Two years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### As usual, we're late. As usual, I'm not satisfied with the job I did here, but it will have to do. As usual, we've been having a ton of new members join up and who no doubt could use enlightenment. I don't really mean to sound negative, honest. My car is just dead again. It's becoming a regular pox on my life. Oh well. I have a sink full of dishes wash too. Still, I suppose, we all have our greased yaks to ride hither and yon. Hopefully, this issue will amuse and inspire you. Hopefully, I can get my act together finally and get purps out a bit more regularly.. etc and so on.. Anyway, one job that needs to be done is getting Purps some sort of OTIS fact file. The masses are demanding a document of this sort be written. The Church Elders due to being involved in projects of their own, like Books and digs to pre-iron age lake side villages in Poland haven't been able to attend to this. If there is a kind soul out there who'd like to try their hand at writing an OTIS fact file I'm sure the Pope, I, and Doc Simpson could point you in the right direction. So if OTIS inspires any of you give HailOtis a yell and we'll get the ball rolling. One final note, the semester is coming to an end and what not in a bit. If you are going away for the summer and your account is being shut down could you please give HailOtis a yell so we don't end up with a mailbox full of bounce notices. And remember next semester HailOtis will still be here. It will be starting into it's 4th year by the fall. [One final note which may or may not mean much. The wheels of progress are finally turning and we may end up with a unix box here which hopefully will mean some interesting improvements to Purps and OTIS in general. Probably nothing will come of this until the summer, but watch for announcements.] =========================================================================== Date: 10 Jan 93 17:17:28 EST From: Rodney Eric Griffith <71163.1600@CompuServe.COM> Declaration of Resentment The Antisocialist Party I. There are Nazis in this world: politicians all, fundamentalcase religions, racists and heritage brokers of all descent, separatists without individuality. We resent having to deal with these insipid, dangerous jerks. We resent having to resort to getting shot, infected with deadly diseases, and having our lives and lifestyles preempted and cramped by your obscene celebration of ignorance and mediocrity. II. "Racial purity" is a contradiction in terms. Race is fraction - and infraction. Circumstance is thicker than blood. Service to racial causes causes racial servitude. III. All history is revisionist. Be here NOW or go away altogether. Latter-day Lindburg Babies will have their petty AntiSemetic bluffs called; we don't care who your parents were! Emancipate yourself. Perspective is a dangerous gift - why else do you think they want to steal it? Afrocentrism? Egocentrism. Claims to be "descendants of Kings & Queens" sounds more like Dukes (dupes)... IV. "Culture" is impossible to "steal" - there is no culture worth having that is not community property. "Societies" don't innovate; individuals do. Societies are lifeless 'bodies' guilty of theft of intellectual properties and suppression and censorship. Class without style is nothing to be proud of. V. Sexuality isn't sexism; antisexuality is. Eroticism doesn't "objectify"; the play's the thing. VI. JIHAD: the only definition, the only "holy war" is resistance against those who believe in "holy war". Groups of more than 7 or so are inherently corrupt. "Don't follow leaders/watch yer parking meters." - Dylan, "Subterranean Homesick Blues" Beauty is in the eye of the needle =========================================================================== Tranquilizer-Laced Nipples =========================================================================== [Why does CNN go on and on about the South Florida tourist hazards when they don't cover important things like this?] From: LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET From: rjwill6@pbsdts.sdcrc.pacbell.com (Rod Williams) Subject: "Nipple-Sucking Tourists Robbed" Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1992 22:27:52 GMT Lines: 36 A Reuters story in yesterday's (12/29/92) San Francisco Examiner, reprinted without permission... --------------------------------------------------- BANGKOK -- A gang of transvestites has been robbing tourists after enticing them to suck their tranquilizer-laced nipples, police said Tuesday. Police arrested four Bangkok transvestites and a woman Sunday after complaints were received from a Syrian and a Hong Kong man. The Syrian said he was robbed of a Rolex watch and more than $4,000 in cash, police said. The transvestites' breasts were smeared with tranquilizers to put the unwitting victims to sleep, a police spokesman said. Drugging drinks is a favorite tactic for gangs preying on tourists. "But many of our customers did not drink, so we would get them to suck our drug-laced nipples," transvestite Somboom Wannasut was quoted by the Nation newspaper as saying. A standby tactic used by the gang was to feed the customers laced chocolates, police said. =========================================================================== Voodoo Tale =========================================================================== Subject: Prolonged erection victim Date: 30 Dec 92 22:16:00 GMT From: an3360@anon.penet.fi Having read the article posted here about tranquilized nipples being used to rob visitors to Bangkok, I thought I would post a similarly offbeam, almost gleeful voodoo tale from the Star, a Ugandan daily newspaper, dated 27 August 1992. I don't live in Uganda (and if I did I almost certainly couldn't post to usenet news - but hey I live in Europe and I still can't do so directly); this was faxed to a friend of mine. PROLONGED ERECTION VICTIM HAS DIED Erizefani Mugoya, the unfortunate man who has been going through untold agony following an abnormally prolonged erection of his penis for the last two weeks, has finally passed away after being hospitalised at Kamuli hospital during the course of his ordeal. Sources from Kamuli told the Star yesterday that Mugoya, who was last heard of to be semi-conscious and suspended on drip, by courtesy of his stubbornly stiff painful organ, died after an episode of two weeks' misery. Mugoya's death struck at a crucial moment when his relatives were also reportedly engaged in serious negotiation with one John Mutyabule, the husband of the wife with whom the deceased fornicated before his genital became unbearably stiff. Mutyabule of Bukholi in Iganga had previously demanded a ransom fee before he could uncast the charm he had put on Mugoya. (stuff deleted) Doctors are said to have gone ahead and operated on their rare patient. Sadly Mugoya never recovered from the surgery, confirming Mutyabule's threat not to involve Western medicine in this traditional debacle (sic?). Mugoya, a lively middle-aged man from Buwenge, 17 miles from Jinja ventured to Bukholi from where he eloped with Mutyabule's wife...After fraternising on that fateful night, Mugoya was alarmed when his penis challengingly remained erect in spite of the man's exhaustion. As matters grew worse, Mugoya was rushed to hospital after his lover had failed to alleviate the problem with soothing warm water. He was admitted at Kamuli where doctors prescribed injection after injection in an attempt to calm the dangerous-looking organ but to no avail. (stuff deleted) The ransom was too much for his relatives...By the time of his operation Mugoya had lost consciousness and he never recovered from the surgery =========================================================================== News of the Weird =========================================================================== Date: Tue, 19 Jan 93 20:36:09 PST From: Chuck Shepherd WEIRDNUZ.260 (News of the Weird, January 29, 1993) by Chuck Shepherd Lead Story * In December, Archie Johnston, 18, became the youngest person ever to head a Ku Klux Klan group when he took over as imperial wizard of the Independent Knights of the KKK in Orlando, Fla. He says his dad "is totally against it" but that his mom "trusts" him to do a good job. [St. Petersburg Times, 12-15-92] The Continuing Crisis * In November, a St. Louis judge accepted a guilty plea from rock star Axl Rose to settle assault and property damage charges, permitting Rose an unusual privilege for a convicted criminal: He would not be totally forbidden from associating with ex-felons. That provision was important to Rose because two of the members of his Guns N' Roses band are ex-felons. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 11-10-92] * In July, three trained dolphins escaped from their performing pen at an exclusive resort in Key Largo, Fla., and swam away. They were found several days later in a lagoon by a golf course on Key Biscayne, Fla., where, on their own, they showed up at 10 a.m., 2 p.m., and 4 p.m. (the same times as the Key Largo shows), and performed tricks, apparently hoping to be fed. [Baltimore Sun, 7-29-92] * Police in Portland, Maine, told the Associated Press in December that they have been unable to catch the person who has defaced about 2,000 cars in the city over the last ten years by spraying them with acid. A city crime analyst, noting that most vandals escalate their attacks rather than stick with the same method, wondered, "How could anyone do this for a decade and not get bored?" [New York Times-AP, 12-6-92] * The Akron (Ohio) Beacon Journal reported in November that Michele Straka was released from a local alcohol treatment center, thus becoming what is believed to be the nation's youngest such graduate. Michele, 11, told a reporter, "I was into some pretty heavy stuff." [Athens Messenger-AP, 11- 30-92] * In October, Switzerland apologized to Liechtenstein for its army's invasion of the country a few days earlier. Swiss army recruits on maneuvers asked a resident near the town of Triesenberg if they could set up an observation post in her garage, but later discovered that Triesenberg is just outside Swiss territory. The woman alerted local police, who asked the soldiers to move on. [Los Angeles Times-Reuters, 10-18-92] * Recently, parents of a Colorado teenager announced they would sue the local school system for failing to alert them that their son's creative writing papers revealed his emotional problems. In one example cited by the Denver Post, the boy wrote a story about a man's vicious torture of a woman, concluding that now the man "was in control" and "had the power." However, the teacher merely marked the paper "C-minus," commenting, "No focus! . . . (You're missing the point of this.)" Shortly after he submitted the paper, the boy sexually assaulted two stepbrothers. [Denver Post, Nov92] * Mr. M. K. O. Abiola, chief of Nigeria's Yoruba tribe, answering a divorce lawsuit in a New York City courtroom in June, denied a woman's claim that she was one of his 26 wives. He contended that he had only four wives but said she was one of his 18 concubines. The woman is represented by palimony lawyer Marvin Mitchelson. [Chicago Tribune, Jun92] * In Omaha, Lela Schaecher gave birth to a girl on November 20, the same day on which her twin sister, Lisa, also gave birth to a girl. Lisa has the same last name as Lela because both women married men named Schaecher, who are first cousins. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch-AP, 11-27-92] * Joseph W. Charles, 82, retired in October from his "job" as the Waving Man in Berkeley, Calif. He stationed himself in his front yard daily during morning rush hour for the last 30 years and waved to motorists. [Akron Beacon Journal-AP, 10-8-92] * The Legal Aid Society of Santa Clara County, Calif., charged in October that the man who has portrayed Koo-Koo the Klown ["Kiddies' Favorite Entertainer"] at birthday parties in the area for nearly 30 years routinely violates state law at the apartment complex he owns by not renting to tenants with children. [San Jose Mercury News, Oct92] * Pacific News Service reported in June that female temperance patrols in India's northeast state of Manipur have been successful in curtailing males' drinking problems, which, they say, lead to wife-beating and unemployment. The patrols destroy local stills and then capture men who were drinking, tie them naked to a donkey, and parade them through the local villages, where they are encouraged to promise never to drink again. The patrol now has 30,000 female members. [Pacific News Service-Washington Post, 6-12-92] The Weirdo-American Community * University of California at Berkeley "environmental psychologist" Clare Cooper Marcus recently started a counseling service for people having difficult relationships with their houses. For $100, she will spend an hour conducting role-playing sessions between the client and his or her house. Dr. Marcus says that having the client voice anxieties to the house, and having the house respond, usually begins relieving the client's stress within the first hour. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Dec92] Least Competent People * In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used. [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1-1-93] Inexplicable * At least 18 people were arrested around Manila in the Philippines on December 27 for deflating automobile tires for religious reasons. Followers of "The Reserved Manpower Of The Good Wisdom For All Nations" religion said it was "God's order" to let out air. Said one, "Air is from God. This is the solution to the crisis in our country." [Huntsville Times-AP, 12-28-92] =========================================================================== Advertisement =========================================================================== Date: Sun, 21 Mar 93 17:15:36 CST From: Reverend John "Hey Bill what's that funny-lookin' book on your coffee table?" Carol drew a sharp breath and looked at Bill guardedly. "Uh, nothin' Bob. Just some toilet plunger catalog." "Oh, okay. Well, I gotta go, see you folks later." "Oh Bill, that was close! If he'd known what that book really was.." "Shush, Carol. Don't worry--Bob hasn't got a clue. OTIS is watching." WHAT IS THAT BOOK? IT'S THE BOOK THAT THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS TALKING ABOUT! IT'S LOVELY! IT'S DIVINE! (really!) IT'S SPLENDIFEROUS! IT'S..... B Y T H E B A L L S O F B R O W ! Strange publication from another planet, BTBOB! fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the OTISian way! WHAT IS IT? Bill and Carol know. Bob doesn't. (Or is that "Bob"?) Do you? BY THE BALLS OF BROW! is a compilation of the early issues of PURPS, The Purple Thunderbolt Of Spode, the very publication you are reading RIGHT NOW. The first book printed in CinemaScope! Articles, visions, dreams, alien contacts, and more INNER CIRCLE OTISIAN WISDOM than you can shake a pipe at. THRILL to the revelations of Elvis. SCREAM at the creation of the universe. CACKLE at the exploits of SOAP, OTISian god(ess) of Bureaucracy. Unless you've already read it, you've never seen anything like it. Available by mail -- SNAIL mail, that is -- for $4 postpaid. Send check or money order to: Pagan Publishing 403A N. 8th St. Columbia, MO 65201 "Say Bill, I'm in the market for a toilet plunger. Can I take a gander at that catalog of yours?" "Why sure, Bob." "EEEAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" =========================================================================== Stupid Library Questions =========================================================================== Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 16:15 HKT From: "Ed Spodick, HKUST Library, x6743" Subject: unusual, but not stupid (or so they say) :) From: _The Whole Earth Handbook_, compiled by George M. Eberhart (Chicago: American Library Association, c1991), p.474 selections from _Unusual maybe, but never stupid_ For a column celebrating National Library Week, Detroit _Free Press_ columnist Robin Abcarian quizzed some Detroit librarians on "stupid" questions they'd been asked. [...] "Do you have a photo of the ozone?" "How many drops of water are there in a boxcar?" "Did Elvis die in the toilet?" "How many toilets are there in Moscow?" "Can I paint the inside of my birdcage?" "Did the Soviet cosmonauts see angels?" [...] "Do you have any sound effects records with real dinosaurs on them?" "Do you have records of Shakespeare reading his own poetry?" "Do you have a record of Dristan and Isolde?" "How much did Beethoven's first music lesson cost?" The answer: 15 ducats [...] Source: _American Libraries_, November 1989, p.950. =========================================================================== Dangerous Household Chemicals =========================================================================== Date: Tue, 19 Jan 93 20:48:48 -0500 From: buglady@silver.lcs.mit.edu (Aliza R. Panitz) Subject: More Household Chemicals to Beware Of... Posting by dragon@eleazar.dartmouth.edu (Sam Conway) in sci.chem: I am growing weary of seeing chemicals with warning labels that imply that I shall die a horrible death simply by looking at the contents. A warning label should inform me of any *REAL* hazards, and of the precautions I should take when handling the reagent, and should not serve only to cover the manufacturer's derriere should some lawyer-happy numbskull decide to bathe in the product. A case in point from Fisher Scientific: CAUTION: May be harmful if inhaled. May cause irritation. Inhalation may produce irritation, coughing and acute pneumoconiosis from overwhelming exposure to dust. May cause a rapidly-developing pulmonary insufficiency, labored breathing, tachypnea and cyanosis followed by cor pulmonale and a short survival time. More frequently, after 10-25 years exposure, labored breathing, dry cough, chest pain, decreased vital capacity and diminished chest expansion may occur and progress to marked fatigue, extreme labored breathing and cyanosis, anorexia, cough with stringy mucous, pleuratic pain and incapacity to work. Death may result from cardiac failure or destruction of lung tissue with resulting anoxia. Has caused tumorigenic effects in laboratory animals. Skin contact may cause irritation and dermatitis. Eye contact may cause redness, irritation, and conjunctivitis. TARGET ORGANS AFFECTED: Eyes, skin, and mucous membranes. Provide local exhaust ventilation and/or general dilution ventilation to meet published limits. FIRST AID -- INHALATION. Remove from exposure area to fresh air immediately. If breathing has stopped, perform artificial respiration. Keep person warm and at rest. Get medical attention immediately. SKIN: Remove contaminated clothing and shoes immediately. Wash affected area with soap or mild detergent and large amounts of water (approximately 15-20 minutes). Get medical attention. EYES: Wash eyes immediately with large amounts of water, occasionally lifting upper and lower lids (approximately 15-20 minutes). Get medical attention. Yes indeed, all of this fits right on the bottle. And just what is this hazardous product? "SEA SAND, washed" God help me, I'll never go to the beach again! =========================================================================== Adventures in Pakistan =========================================================================== Date: Thu, 21 Jan 93 08:39:15 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: Fun in Pakistan ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 20 Jan 93 18:23 PST From: Julian Macassey To: awerling@nmsu.edu Subject: For Junk List Public Health in Pakistan Returning from Afghanistan I entered Pakistan via the border town of Wanna. This is a town in what is known as "Tribal Territory". The tribal areas are areas where the Pakistan authorities have no jurisdiction and affairs are run by the local Pathans. Most of the Afghan border area in the North West Frontier is tribal territory. I had a rather bad case of dysentery, and the locals manning an ad hoc road block who kept leaning over me with their Kalishnikovs seemed to think it would be a good idea if I saw a doctor. The Pathans once they have decided you are not an enemy will do anything to protect you. I was assigned a bodyguard from the group standing around and a turbaned gentleman complete with automatic rifle and bandoleer slid in beside me and popped a wad of tobacco in his cheek. They knew that in the town there was an ICRC (International Committee of the Red Cross) hospital that took care of war damaged Afghans so we drove there. The Afghan guard at the hospital explained that it was a surgical unit only and suggested we go to the "Civil Hospital" in town. No one seemed to know where this hospital was. We drove around and eventually found a driveway that said "Diarrhea Treatment Unit". We drove in. The place was in darkness, but we pulled up outside a door that said "Emergency Treatment Unit". There was an armed guard sitting next to his Lee Enfield. He opened the door and turned on the lights. I was shown a bed to lie on while the guard went to fetch the doctor. The bed had recently been vomited on. It had only a mattress on it. The room was lit with a single tired forty Watt fluorescent light. The tube was black with flies. The concrete floor was covered with discarded drug cartons, to keep the flies down, three frogs were hopping between the cartons gobbling flies. Before the doctor arrived, various people, some armed with Kalishnikovs, came in and looked at me. The doctor finally arrived and I was moved to another room and laid on the examination table. This room had its own frogs hopping around on the floor. The doctor asked what the problem was and did all the temperature and blood pressure things. His immediate diagnosis was malaria. When I questioned him about this he said that eighty percent of admissions were malaria. The doctor wrote a prescription and someone was dispatched to the local pharmacy. There was some concern that I had not eaten for three days and I was asked what I wanted to eat. I compromised and agreed to eat plain boiled rice. One of the nurses went home to cook the rice. All the nurses were men. The staff whiled away the time by taking turns on the prayer mat in the corner of the examination room. The runner returned from the pharmacy and the doctor set up a disposable glucose drip. After some rummaging through a drawer of old fashioned syringes a disposable IV needle was located. The doctor opened the hanger loop with his teeth and I was set up. A disposable syringe and needle was also found after much chatter and an antibiotic and analgesic were injected into the drip bag. I was left alone with the drip. After a while the nurse arrived with the rice and a spoon. The rice was not fully cooked, the last thing I felt like doing was eating. The only thing I could possibly eat was rice. I ate some of the rice. The Pathans have the same ideas of hospitality as the Bedouins. This means if they offer you something, you accept it. As I was sitting unsteadily on the edge of the bed chewing the rice people started drifting in and out again to view the "foreigner". They don't get many tourists in places like Wanna. A few of the curious onlookers had AK-47s casually slung across their shoulders. One of the visitors was an earnest looking young man who came up to me and asked if I was a Christian. I was the most Christian person I had met for a few weeks and certainly wasn't a Moslem, so I said yes. He excitedly told me he was a Christian. The young man was a Punjabi, and said he was one of twenty eight families of Christians in the Wanna area. He told me he worked in the hospital and taught the doctors English. He said he was very excited to meet another Christian, he had the fervor of a young fundamentalist. Apparently the word was all over town that there was an American in the hospital. It seems that small town Pakistan was like a small town anywhere else in the world. A stranger in town was a big event. I ate all I could of the rice and was told I should spend the night in the hospital. I asked to use the toilet and was shown a "hole in the floor" flush toilet. There was no light and of course no toilet paper. I had my own toilet paper, I left the door open for light. I was escorted to the ward where the doctor wanted me to spend the night. The ward was a relic of the British Empire. It was a long room with a row of beds against each long wall. The beds were the old iron hospital beds. On each bed was a mattress. There was no bedding. There was no mosquito netting on the windows or doors. There were three overhead fans for ventilation. The ward was partly filled. The occupants were men and boys. The far end of the ward was screened off. Behind the screen was a young boy and his mother. The mother was wearing a burqa. The floor of the ward was also littered with discarded drug packages. Under my bed was a discarded disposable syringe and needle. For mosquito control, there were three bats flying backwards and forwards. During the night one of the bats failed to dodge the fan blades and expired against the blades with a loud clatter. Bat bits were scattered across the room. Just before dawn the call to the faithful was made by a nearby muezzin. This started activity in the ward. Those that could started their morning devotions. One of the praying faithful was the mother at the far end of the ward. As dawn rose various visitors started wandering into the ward. Most of the visitors were armed with Kalishnikov's - the male jewelry of the Pathans. One of the young boys got up and found the discarded disposable syringe under my bed. He grabbed it and went back to his side of the ward where he and another boy entertained themselves playing with their new toy. My driver and guide arrived to pick me up and drive me back to Peshawar. As I walked through the hospital grounds I saw a sign above a door, it said: "Intensive Care Unit". Regretfully, I didn't peep in. END =========================================================================== An Otisian Alphabet and Catechism for Children =========================================================================== [This is well worth memorizing to impress the non-OTISIAN. Also those with small children may find this a much more fun way to teach the kiddies the alphabet and OTIS at the same time. This is not the only OTIS for children segment we've had. In a past issue we had some hymns and inspiring songs for them. Let it never be said that we have ignored the young easy to mold minds.] Date: Thu, 15 Apr 93 18:29:31 CET From: SCOTT%VM.plearn.edu.pl@plearn.edu.pl An Otisian Alphabet and Catechism for Children A is for Arani, the Consort of Otis. B is for Brow who loves battle mostest. C is for Creiza whom editors adore. D is for Dogma which grows more and more. E is for Elvis who knew when to chuck it. F is for Fez which beats the Brown Bucket. G is for Genkii, a state we'll attain. H is for Heethor, all curvy, not plain. I is for Ighef, an Otisian house. J is for Jeffe whose truths we espouse. K is for Kenyon, the dark Gates of Hell. L is for Lotus, a nice guy who means well. M is for Money that pleases our Pope. N is for Naxos, white temples, green slopes. O is for Otis, often he, sometimes she. P is for Purps, electronic debauchery. Q is for Quadrary, much better than decimal. R is for Rhotos, whose Eye is quite terrible. S is for Spode, who rode a mustachioed toad. T is for Tim, preacher - a la mode. U is for Uberlemmings, destined for death. V is for Vooti with nasty bad breath. W is for Walt Disney, frozen in ice. X is for X-Suh, beamed up to paradise. Y is for Yak, a bull of great worth. Z is for Zakynthians, the scum of the earth. =========================================================================== More News of the Weird =========================================================================== Date: Mon, 1 Feb 93 19:27:31 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu WEIRDNUZ.261 (News of the Weird, February 5, 1993) by Chuck Shepherd Lead Story * Former U. S. diplomat Felix Bloch, the man suspected of espionage while working at the U. S. Embassy in Vienna in 1989, was arrested in January and charged with stealing $100 worth of groceries from a Harris Teeter grocery store in Chapel Hill, N. C. After the State Department dismissed him, Bloch embarked on a second career as a cashier and bagger at the store. Two store employees said they saw Bloch cart unpaid-for groceries to his Mercedes-Benz. [Durham Herald, 1-12- 93] Government in Action * In a recent Canadian government book offering tips to newly-arriving immigrants, authors thought it necessary to give specific advice against being late to school or work and against public displays of affection, breast- feeding, urination, and defecation. [Edmonton Sun-CP, 11-22-92] * When Long Island, N. Y., school superintendent Edward J. Murphy retired on September 30, he earned severance pay of over $100,000 at a time of severe financial troubles for New York schools. However, that was only the beginning. Under the contract he had negotiated with the local school board in 1985, Murphy was entitled to 90 days' paid vacation a year (the normal is 15 to 20), plus paid sick leave--with the option of accumulating it and cashing it in at a rate of $1,000 a day. His total severance package came to more than $900,000. [New York Times, 12-9-92] * Pre-Christmas-week paychecks were delayed for 2,600 Postal Service employees in the Hampton Roads, Va., area. The checks had been mailed from the Minneapolis check disbursing facility but were delayed "somewhere in Virginia," according to postal officials. Because of the delay, employees were unable to deposit the checks before the Christmas holiday. [Newport News Daily Press, 1-1-93] * U. S. Department of Agriculture meat inspector Roger W. "Pockets" Halvorson, 56, was indicted in Minneapolis in January for stealing meat several times from a company he was inspecting. According to prosecutors, Halvorson, whose unique personal uniform has extra- large inside pockets, was accused of loading up on prime rib during inspections, intending to resell it. [New Haven Register-AP, 1-8-93] Compelling Explanations * Eric F. Murillo, charged with shooting his fourth wife to death in Fayetteville, N. C., in July, said it was an accident. Murillo received probation for the accidental shooting death of his first wife 21 years ago. Wife number two supposedly committed suicide. Wife number three divorced Murillo after he put a loaded .357 Magnum in her mouth and threatened to kill her. Murillo acknowledged that the circumstances "look terrible" but said he was just unlucky. [Philadelphia Inquirer-Boston Globe, 8-22-92] * Vancouver, British Columbia, judge Jerome Paradis found David Alexander Snow guilty of sexual assault in September but not guilty of the attempted murder of his victim, a 53-year-old woman who had survived the Auschwitz concentration camp as a child. Wrote Paradis, "I cannot conclude that the placing of the wire around the neck of the victim and/or the placing of the plastic over her head are sufficient to establish a specific intent to kill." [North Bay Nugget-CP, 9-15-92] * In November, the Vermont Supreme Court ordered to trial the handicap-discrimination lawsuit by employee Mary Hodgdon against the Mount Mansfield resort. The resort, which was trying to improve its image in 1987 to four-star status, fired Hodgdon because she refused to wear her false teeth, which she said were painful. Wrote the resort management, "Employees [are] expected to have teeth and wear them daily to work." [Rutland Daily Herald-AP, Nov92] * Michele Rardin, 36, ticketed for driving 80 mph in Hebron, Ind., in July, told patrolman Randy Komisarcik that when the oil-warning light came on on her dashboard, she felt she had to race home "before the car blew up." [Chicago Tribune, Jul92] * Delano Brugguier, 23, denied he was attempting to break into Sid's Liquors in Sioux Falls, S. D., in June when he was discovered stuck in the store's chimney. Rather, he said, he had passed out on the roof and, being a fitful sleeper, had merely rolled into the chimney. [Sioux City Journal, Jun92] * Richard Usher, Jr., was arrested in Decatur, Ga., in June for bigamy when his wife (Evelyn Deloris) found out, via an insurance payoff, that another Mrs. Richard Usher, Jr., (Evelyn Nelms, whom he had married in 1985) had just passed away. Wrote Detective C. E. Bolson in his report, "The only explanation [Usher] could offer was that he did not remember marrying [Evelyn Nelms]." [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Jul92] The Weirdo-American Community * Wesley Nunley, 73, recently declared that the $10,000 concrete slab he built on his property near Dallas was open for business as "U-F-O Landing Base 1." He said it has been a dream of his "for decades" to have aliens land on his property--even though the landing pad is located in a quarry and is surrounded by mud much of the year. Nunley's best friend told the Dallas Morning News that Nunley was "a little off." [Austin American- Statesman-AP, 12-20-92] Least Competent Person * Former Quik Trip convenience store employee Mark Douglas, 32, was arrested for robbing the store in December in Overland Park, Kan., after police interviewed him and his girlfriend, whom he had failed to brief as to what to say. The robber had worn a cap, and when police asked Douglas whether he had such a cap, he said no, but the girlfriend said, "Yes, you do. It's in the closet." [Overland Park Sun, 12-30-92] Inexplicable * Part-time security guard Bob Huggins, 86, was notified in November that his share of The Gaston Gazette's pension plan is nearly $1 million. Huggins began working at production jobs in 1926 and became a guard in 1974. He had never earned more than $8,000 in a year, and the company had no pension plan at all until 1989. Huggins's award is so large because the 1989 plan was poorly designed and because Huggins outlived all others in his employee category. [Charleston Post & Courier-AP, 11-20-92] =========================================================================== Date: Wed, 27 Jan 93 22:54:42 EST From: Mitchell Porter Subject: God's fax number Date: Tue 26 Jan 93 23:12:35 -0500 From: Michael Travers [forwards deleted...] JERUSALEM (UPI) -- God by fax? It was probably inevitable that someone would try to exploit Jerusalem's prime location and offer to dispatch messages to the Almighty with state-of-the-art technology. That's what Israel's telephone company did Wednesday. For the price of a call, Bezek workers will take faxed prayers, blessings and heartfelt wishes and tuck them inside the many cracks of the Western Wall, revered by Jews as the holiest place on Earth. The towering stone wall in Jerusalem's Old City, a remnant of the Great Temple destroyed by the Romans in A.D. 70, is already crammed with thousands of pieces of paper scrawled with visitors' deepest sentiments. Many Jews believe God reads the messages and makes them come true. ``If you want to put a note in the 'Kotel' (Western Wall) but can't go there yourself, we'll do it for you,'' said Danny Ezer, a Bezek spokesman. He said the AT&T and MCI telephone networks in the United States have expressed interest in promoting the service abroad. ------ The fax number, including the international and city codes for Israel and Jerusalem, is 972-2-612222. =========================================================================== Who Killed Donald Duck =========================================================================== Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1993 16:30 HKT From: "Ed Spodick, HKUST Library, x6743" Subject: Who killed Donald Duck? "WHO KILLED DONALD DUCK?" Since 17 January Belgrade media have been extensively reporting on the Walt Disney corporation's decision to ban publication of its comic strips in Serbia-Montenegro and the likely sociological and psychological impact on the country's children. Politika, which has run the Donald Duck series since 1932, showed an astonished Donald in chains with Mickey Mouse crying, "Sanctions Banish Mickey and Donald." Independent radio B92 commented, "the psychological impact of this ban is greater than any of the other UN-imposed sanctions." The latest cover of the independent weekly Vreme is headlined "Who Killed Donald Duck?" and depicts a dazed Donald being shot in the back of the head from a cannon on a model frigate. Milan Andrejevich, RFE/RL, Inc. =========================================================================== Pro Forma =========================================================================== Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1993 10:21:05 -0800 From: AHARRIS - Alan Harris Pro Forma The Magazine for the Busy Academic Volume 1, Number 1 June, 1992 A new journal devoted to those who do not have time to read it. No articles - no commentary no book reviews! All sections can be read in less time than it takes to advise the average undergraduate student. Here are some of the topics and sections to appear in the first issue: Legal Advisor: "Don't Publish - Don't Perish: Creative Litigation and Tenure" The Art of the Conference: "Being a Discussant Without Reading the Papers" *Opening remarks for every session "These papers admirably demonstrate both the strengths and weaknesses of the field today." "It is nice to see that some people can still get interested in this topic." *10 French names that intimidate *10 all-purpose long summary sentences with no content *The art of academic flattery through easy key words "seminal, pathbreaking, essential, fundamental....." "The All-Purpose Abstract" *Just fill in five blanks and this abstract works in any discipline, for any conference. *Abstracts that describe any paper you later write Postmodern, Positivist, Critical, Feminist "When You Just can't write the Paper - Creative Withdrawls from the Program" Easier Publishing: "Citation analysis : Journals in your discipline that are desperate for papers" "Ins and outs of repeat publishing - change that title!" "One paper - eight foreign Graduate students - eight translations - eight foreign publications - all in six months!" The Tenure and Promotion File: "How to form or join a citation circle" *agreements that multiply your entries in the annual citation index by 10 "Make a 1-page comment count the same as a book "Obscure journals that sound important "5 ways to get your book accepted without review" "Getting good letters from people who don't know you" The Pro Forma Bookshelf "100 One-Line Current Book Summaries" *Allows you to freely cite pages, without buying or reading the book! *Easy-to remember critiques for conversation or class *Classified by discipline *Rated for political correctness by our panel "Boilerplate - A New Computer Program that Writes Half of your Monograph" "Classics in Your Discipline" *Survey reports how many of your colleagues have actually read the classics in your field Cooperation Column: Co-Authorship Exchange *Have Data, Need Theory *Have Theory, Need Data Washington Buzzword Watch: Regular updates from the Beltway Bandit What is Hot in NSF and NEH Panels this year Trends in Cross-Disciplinary Buzzword Transmission Plus! These new columns to appear in the next issue: Advising Timesavers Dissertation Defenses without Preparation Advertisers Submission Services International We reformat and resubmit until you get accepted! Thousands of journals on our lists! Data Recycling Central Don't throw that old data away! We have buyers for good pre- owned data sets, lab notes and interview transcripts! FINALLY, SOME REALLY USEFUL ADVICE ON HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE ACADEMY!! =========================================================================== Super OTISnistic Existential Determinism =========================================================================== [Ah ha! Thought you could get away with not having to wade through some high powered dogma. Well you're wrong. Strap on your fez and meditate on the following words.] Date: 04 Feb 1993 16:42:37 -0500 (EST) From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu Super OTISnistic Existential Determinism (1) Being that OTIS has conveyed his words to us in the Old Peppermint & the New Spearmint. OTIS has stated his ways that all hear may understand way, with clarity much. (1+2i) OTIS has already chosen those whom OTIS will bless with strangeness and those who should receive grinding of teeth and wailing. This blessing has nothing to do with their actions, but if they bless OTIS and the worshipers of OTIS with CASH, OTIS will be favorable. (2x+3y^2) Being that there exists the elite CHOSEN of OTIS, these blessed shall be presented with ETERNAL Tupperware parties and The Everlasting Fruit Salad shall rain upon their days. ( ) OTIS having chosen those who shall receive the effluent of OTIS, those who look upon them must hold their noses. These cursed shall never know the secret joys of Fruit Salad and live their meager lives in IGNORANCE. (~A - AxB) The ones who have donated their lives and time to OTIS were predestined to, but the ones who donate their pocket books are THE ONES THAT OTIS HAS CHOSEN WITH NO REGARD TO THEIR ACTIONS. If YOU IMMEDIATELY BEGIN DONATING HUGE SUMS OF CASH AND OTIS SHINES UPON YOU, THE TWO ARE NOT RELATED--IT WAS PREDESTINED. THOSE WHO DON'T DONATE, DISPLAY OTIS'S CHOICE FOR THEIR ULTIMATE FATE FOR ALL TO LOOK UPON THEM AND LAUGH. =========================================================================== Disco Inferno =========================================================================== Date: Tue, 09 Feb 1993 23:44:44 EST From: "On a clear disk you can seek forever." Subj: Re: Lust is common, love is rare. From: R_WINES@TRZ860 (Rodney Wines) Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1993 11:30:01 GMT There was a great story on CNN International over the weekend. In case any of you didn't hear about it, this guy (aged 20) asked a girl (also age 20) to dance in a club in Florida, I think. Well, one thing lead to another, and soon they were having sex. Problem was, they were having sex right on the dance floor. They seemed totally oblivious to the hundreds of people around them. The police finally had to pull them apart! The funny thing was that neither of them was drunk or stoned (according to CNN), and the guy didn't even know her name. Now, although I'm not condoning their behavior, I envy them their passion. They were two consenting adults with an overpowering physical attraction. I've never felt passion like that, and I doubt that 99.99% of the human race has, either. No, this is not something to build a future on, but it'd certainly be great if they do have other things in common. I hope the guy did get her name... =========================================================================== TVC =========================================================================== Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1993 11:48:51 EST From: "On a clear disk you can seek forever." Subject: I'm reading way too much netnews... From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode) Subject:Re: How Strong Should a Man Be? Date: Mon, 8 Feb 93 06:04:14 GMT [click] "...and that, I believe is a lesson that we all ought to learn. That's all for today's Sunset Sermonette; be sure to tune in tomorrow when I'll be telling the true story of a young man whose efforts really were 'all in vein.' Now, stay tuned for the evening weather report, after these messages." "Oooooohhhh, I'm a young, nubile virgin, only nineteen years old, dressed in the flimsiest of nighties, eagerly awaiting your call. Just pick up the phone and dial 1-900-VIRGINS and one of our many luscious virgins is waiting to talk to you. 1-900-VIRGINS, bringing new blood to the world of one-to-one conversation, only fifteen dollars per call. Call me--I'm waiting for you." "You're watching TVC, The Vampire Channel, entertainment from sunset to sunrise with the sophisticated vampire in mind. There's no need to go out into the cold cruel world when TVC brings a world of entertainment into your castle every night. Here's tonight's exciting lineup: 6:00: THE B-POSITIVE GOURMET. Start your night off right with the tooth- tempting creations of Stu Sikorsky, the B-Positive Gourmet. Tonight Stu will be showing you how to turn those ordinary leftovers into a delicious blood pudding! 6:30: THE WONDER CENTURIES. The heartwarming saga of a young vampire growing up in in small-town Transylvania. 7:30: BURIED WITH CHILDREN. Laughs abound as Vlad brings home a jug of ketchup, thinking that it's blood. 8:00: TWIN BITES. Someone put a stake through Laura Von Palmer's heart, but who? (Part Seventeen: we don't find out in this episode either.) 9:00: MOVIE: SCAR TREK II--THE WRAITH OF KHAN. Evil werewolves are pursuing VonKirk on a distant planet and somebody has taken his coffin. Can Spook and Bones save him by sunrise? 11:00: 300-SOMETHING. Gaspov sleeps through an important meeting, Valeria tries to decide whether she likes Bill enough to bite him a third time, Korosky and Eunice decide to try to adoption. 12:00: AMERICA'S FUNNIEST BLOOD DONATIONS. Bloopers, boners, and bumbles from the biggest city blood banks to the smallest school blood drives. 12:30: NIGHT COUNT. Judge Stein trys to find Squid a toupee' while Don tries to set up a date with three blood-sucking hookers. 1:00: LOATHESOME GLOVE. The almost true story of the first vampires to colonize the old west. (Part two.) 2:00: MOVIE: VAMPBO--FIRST BLOOD, THEN GUTS. Silkvested Staleloaf as Vampbo, a shell-shocked vet sent on a night mission to rescue a whole family of vampires from the twin sons of Von Helsing's cousin-in-law. 4:00: UNCLE BUCKTEETH. Uncle Buckteeth gets into the wrong line at the department of motor vehicles and accidentally ends up entered into the 1990 Miss America Pageant. (No, we don't understand it either.) 4:30: VONGYVER. VonGyver and his sidekick venture off to Australia where they discover the long-lost tomb of the Pharaoh Phred (which, since it's in Australia, you can imagine just how badly lost it was even to start with) and VonGyver must save his friend and the entire city of Sydney from the Curse of Phred using only a paper clip, a number two pencil without an eraser, a miniature plastic tuba, and a wire whisk. So sit back, stay tuned, and enjoy a full night of entertainment, here on TVC! TVC and You--Forever. =========================================================================== Our National Anthem =========================================================================== [Yes boys and girls. This is 100% true. I've seen it in several other sources. Records of this song actually do exit. Doctor Demento one time played his copy on the air. And we all know what happened after that.] Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1993 18:11:47 EST From: "On a clear disk you can seek forever." It's reasonably well known that the national anthem of the USA, "The Star Spangled Banner," is a poem by Francis Scott Key set to the tune of an English drinking song. My question: can anyone supply me with the original words or a reference to where I might find them? My quartet may If you can find it, the _Oak, Ash and Thorn Songbook_ has a couple of verses. I only remember one [below]. Recall that the song originated as the theme song of the Anacreontic Society, dedicated to booze and boozy-song: To Anacreon in heav'n where he sat in full glee, A few sons of harmony sent a petition That he their inspirer and patron might be, When this answer arrived from that jolly old Grecian: "Voice, fiddle, and flute, no longer be mute; I'll lend ye my name, and inspire ye to boot. And long may the sons of Anacreon entwine.......[ long hold :-) ] The myrtle of Venus and Bachchus's wine." =========================================================================== Money Making Tips =========================================================================== From: schwartz@ces.cwru.edu (David G. Schwartz) Subject: Switching Long Distance Companies Date: 24 Feb 1993 16:36:48 GMT So I get this offer in the mail - "Switch to Sprint and get $35 credit on your next phone bill" I figure, "Why not? $35 is good money for a phone call." So I call Sprint and make the switch. Two weeks later I get an offer from AT&T - "We want you back - switch and get $25 credit" Thinking, "Sure, why not", I put the offer aside, but forget to follow up. A week later a $75 check arrives from AT&T - "Endorse and cash this check, and we switch you back" Can't argue with that. So I cash it and we're back with AT&T. Another two weeks pass and I get a call from Sprint - Sprint Lady: "We want you back at Sprint" Me: "What incentive are you offering" Sprint Lady: "Better service and prices than AT&T" Me: "But AT&T just paid me $75" Sprint Lady: "I can't give you any money, but listen, SWITCH BACK TO SPRINT NOW AND THEN AT&T WILL SEND YOU ANOTHER $75 - THEN GO BACK TO AT&T! WE'RE HAPPY TO HAVE AT&T SPEND THEIR MONEY ON YOU." Really, that's what she said. I gave her full points for creative marketing and agreed to go back to Sprint. Sure enough, yesterday a check arrives from AT&T - but only for $25. Then that night I get a "please switch back" call from AT&T. Me: "I got your $25 check today - what's the best you can offer me?" AT&T Guy: "The screen says I can offer $75" Me: "Make it a hundred and you've got a deal" AT$T Guy: "I can't go over $75, but I'll tell you what - GO AHEAD AND CASH THE $25 CHECK ANYWAY AND I'LL ALSO SEND YOU $75 IN CREDIT CERTIFICATES" Really, that's what he said. So, you guessed it, we're back with AT&T. So I'm thinking, this is a great business. Why not install a few dozen phone lines and earn a living just swapping long distance carriers? On average I could probably net $50 per line per month. But why stop there? How about starting a company that handles long distance company switching for the public? I could sign people up giving me discretion of which LD company to use, and take 20% of the incentive fee, passing 80% back to the consumer. Of course, then some enterprising soul will start a competing company and offer my switchers an incentive to switch to his switching company ... =========================================================================== Calling All Australian Otisians =========================================================================== [I can't find the follow up letter to this, so I use this one. Basically it's against official OTISian policy to give out mailing addresses. And it's against the editors personal policy as well. Anyway, if there are any Australian Otisian who'd care to get in contact with this fellow feel free to. His address is listed below and I'm sure he'll be over joyed. Also, no doubt, Otis will shower blessings on you. He is new to the fold and could use some instruction and training. ] Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1993 17:38:57 +1000 (EST) From: Stephen Pike Subject: Brethren in Australia, and HI GUYS! HAIL! Greetings To You, Pope, Reverends and patron saints, and even Elbo, who has been really quiet since his creation, and all at the IGHF. Thank you firstly for clearing up that thing with the cult of AH-tis. People like that aren't funny. Not the ones I know anyway. Secondly, thank you for inviting me to all the parties at Kenyon or wherever, but while I fully plan to make the pilgrimage one day, sadly I cannot make it just yet. Instead, could you mail me the PURPS distribution list, so that I may find some more, um, geographically convienient followers. All my Love, Spike .....{{ ----- __o Sky clear up. Sunlight is ....{ ----- _\<, Brilliant. Let's ride far away. ...{{ ----- (*)' (*) (remember sunscreen and HAIL OTIS) Everything that is, is light. Every man and every woman is a star. =========================================================================== THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND =========================================================================== --Subink 1993