л л ллллл ллллл ллллл ллллл ллллл л л ллллл ллллл л л л л л л л л л л л л л л ллл ллллл ллллл л л ллллл л л лл л л л л л л л л л л л л л л л л л л л ллллл л л л ллллл л ллллл л л ллллллл ллллллл ллллллл л л л л ллллл ллллл л л ллллллл ллллллл л л л л л л л ллллл л л л л л л ллллллл ллллллл л ллллллл ллллл ллллл лллллллллллллллллл л л лллллллллллллл л л л л л л л л л л л л л л лллллллллллллллллл л л л ллллллл л л л л л л л л л л л л лллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллл л л T-FILE MAG FOR DISILLUSIONED RUSSIAN COMMUNIST YOUTH. ISSUE 1 welcome to issue 1 of KAPITALIZT LIFE IS SUCK! we editors hope that to you pleases the maggy the election in russia come to run-off! see issue 31 of "eye of mother russia" we are sick of the new world free market economy! youth not wanting the billy joel and the elton john and scorpions make the concerts in our russia! KAPITALIZT OPPRESSOR GO HOME! we are tired of the fake american jeans and not having many rubles! under communism, we have toilet paper and borscht all the day. the wodka is tasting better and the youth want only to study maths and physic. today the youth are going to "moscow mc-donald" and eating "square hamburger"! this am not accept to be! the russian child is being seduced by the american television "quincy, m.d." and "m*a*s*h"! ALAN ALDA GO HOME! the youth is writing "letter to editor" to pravda saying that their newpaper is suck! he is suggesting in today issue that pravda make cheap russian knock- off of the popular capitalist american devil feature "jumble: that scrambled word game!" they are not wanting to work all the day in depressing cement factory! they want to see the "mad about you" and the evil queen of temptation helen hunt! all the time they are plan travel to california to see "babes" like the imperialist stooge david hasselhoff in the slime known as "baywatch!" tourism to the great state of albania decreased this year alone by 50 square hectares/erg! no longer is the sunny beach and good cigar intimidating leader with moustache and beard outlasting all stooge pig presidents of america island of cuba good enough! they learn the standard system of measurement!! when the youth is earning the money, spend they it always on coca-cola and american automobile. the people's car factory and working man's nerve gas depository is making new model with 5 tones of beige and off-white this year and it is not selling! even when it is getting 34 hectares on a single tank of kerosene! they are wanting to listen to the rock and roll music and form crappy rock and roll bands! even our friend dmitri who was intended to support this magazine in the editing left it for his rockgroups "gripper zipper," "i like ike," and "shake well before using." we are reporting him however to the people's council of media controllment, heh heh heh heh heh ! RUSSIA YOUTH NOT AM IN CONTROL! if this is to continue what are we to do! here comes kaptialiZT LIFE IS SUCK, RESCUING THE traditional values of mother russia! we will make the USSR a USSR again by crushing the will of the revolutionary breakaway republics! our way of life is supreme and we shall impose it upon what is rightfully the bosom and left nostril of mother russia! A QUESTION FROM BORIS' MOM CHEVKYANOVNYA: "BORIS YOU BLINI-HEAD! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THE MAGAZINE IN THE ENGLISH! IT IS THE SAME LANGUAGE THAT PASSES THE FORKED TONGUE OF EVIL CAPITALIST OPPRESSOR! ITS LIES AND FREEDOMS ARE NOT OF MOTHER RUSSIA!" ivan and i have some wodka to think a bit. we find that we put in the english so the disillusioned youth of america who are tired of staring at their false gods "pearl jam" and "green day" are reading it too and spreading communist revolution to all the world! pravda perestrojka glasnost cccp havana cigars chechen rebels sputnik blinis now comes the officialpart! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ OBJECTIVES FOR PUBLICATION 'KAPITALIZT LIFE IS SUCK'. APPROVED 96.1.1. MOSCOW. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ DESTROY MORALE OF SUBVERSIVE YOUTH ACTIVITY IN ALL THE WORLD RAISE SALES OF THE WODKA BY 5,6% ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ TABLE OF CONTENTS. APPROVED 96.2.1 - LENINGRAD, CITIZEN RIKISOVICH APPROVING. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. HOT BORSCHT FROM KITCHEN URI RECIPE! 2. QUICK COLD BORSCHT! 3. BORCHT AND MUSHROOM. 4. ENDPART. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HOT BORSCHT FROM THE KITCHEN URI my mother make this all the day when i am young. it feed 12, and we work on farm all day after eating, making much hard currency! unlike today when we wait 3 days in line for square hamburger, we are eating this all never with wait in days of good old! we are using the evil standard system of measurement so capitalist oppressor can make the recipe in his "mikrowave oven" and his "salad shooter" and fall before the strength of recipe strong like ox! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ CAPITALIST PIG -> METRIC CONVERSION TABLE! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FINALIZED 43.8.11. MOSCOW. OFFICIAL DOKUMENT 148972-1321-CCCP. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1 OZ 6.43 HECTARES 1 TBSP 4.12 JOULES/METRE 1 TSP 214 MOLES/LITRE 1 CUP 1 PEOPLE'S TOILET-BOWL ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HOT BORSCHT FROM THE KITCHEN URI 6 oz stew beef from strong russian livestock 5 cup streamwater from mother russia 2 cup sliced beet with fortitude from mighty russian soil and juice 1 grated carrot torn like capitalist oppressor 1 chopped onion, fresh make eyes sting like victory 1 turnip from mama's viktory garden 1/4 head cabbage shredded like head of capitalist oppressor 2 tbsp. tomato paste pasted like imperialist pigs when the proletariat rise and take power fresh ground pepper from cuba 3 tablespoons vinegar ----------------------------------------------------------------------- DIRECTIVES FOR ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE BORSCHT. APPROVED 65.23.2. MOSCOW. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. beef + water in pan and cover 2. simmer all of one hour (take wodka break while simmer! =) =) -uri) 3. add all other ingredients but for the vinegar ------------- IMPERATIVE MISSION ORDER LEAVE VINEGAR OUT! IT IS NEEDED LATER !!! NOT NOW !!! FAILURE TO ACCOMPLISH THE BORSCHT IN CORRECT MANNER WILL MEET WITH REVIEW AND JUSTICE FROM THE PEOPLE'S DEATH SQUAD AND DEPRESSING OFF-WHITE PAINT FACTORY. ------------- 4. cook soup for 1.5 hour 5. add vinegar before serving ------------- MESSAGE FROM KREMLIN YOU FOOL! YOU THE VINEGAR *BEFORE* COOK PUT IN!! REPORT AT ONCE TO THE PEOPLE'S INTERROGATIONAL FACILITY AND INTIMIDATING CELL BLOCK. ------------- 6. add more to taste, but not much! excess of the winegar means less borscht for the working man's struggle against capitalist oppressor! QUICK COLD BORSCHT 2 cup canned beets + juice, canned at the people's produce refinement/packaging facility and ak-47 maintanence centre. 4 tbsp sugar, imported from cuba, the land of the free worker. 2 cups water, clear and crisp from the tear ducts of mother russia. 1 tsp grated onion or 1/2 tsp dried onion flakes, grated and dried like the soul of the capitalist oppressor in the face of the one-eyed mother russia. 2 tbsp lemon juice, from lemon tree (not lemon bush, boris!! -uri) 6 tbsp lo-fat yogurt + some for garnish, made from the purest cow milk and brought from the people's curdled yet unidentifiable diary unit factory. put all in blender blend like capitalist oppressor until smooth creamy if blender is cheap knockoff of american "osterizer" and is not holding all the mixture add all but water, blend, pour off some, add water then blend pour into serving cup, use the fine silver stolen from the mines of capitalist oppressor chill in the snow and ice from the people's really cold ice factory, siberia serve in glass and enjoy like good russian BORSCHT AND MUSHROOM 1 oz dried wild mushroom. pick wrong mushroom and pay the price! heh heh 3 quart + 1.5 cup water 2 potato sliced scrubbed like capitalist oppressor through his "car-wash" 2 stalk celery sliced 2 clove garlic sliced 1 large turnip sliced peeled 4 carrot scraped sliced 1 bay leaf 1 tbs salt 8 pepper corn 1.5 lb beets 3 tbs lemon juice 1 tbs sugar soak mushroom in 1.5 cup water for 2 hours in large kettle, put 3 qt water potato celery garlic turnip carrot bay leaf salt peppercorn and simmer GENTLY for 1 to 2 hours. have some wodka while you am wait. strain broth and discard cooked vegetables like the heads of the capitalist oppressor drain mushrooms, keep liquid that the mushrooms were in, it is needed for the struggle against imperialism wash the mushroom slice in strip strain mushroom liquid through coffee filter, use only the people's coffee filter and close-quarters combat medical bandage add this and the mushrooms to broth peel beets and cut in strip add beets lemon juice sugar to broth simmer for 20-25 minute enjoy NOW COMES THE ENDPART. hope enjoy to you the issue! - boris - uri - ivan - boris' mom CAPITALIST LIFE IS SUCK!