------------------------------------------------------------------------ ***** ***** Tenth ***** *** Collector's Issue *** ** *** *** Edition! Anniversary *** ** *** *** *** ******* Issue!!! *** ** *** *** *** ******* *** ***** *** *** *** *** ***** ***** ****** ** ****** ****** ****** **** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** **** *** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** *** ****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** *** **** **** ****** *** **** *** **** Electronic Humor Magazine. Issue010, (Volume II, Number 6) March, 1986. NutWorks is published semi-pseudo-monthly by Brent C.J. Britton and Leonard M. Friedman ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There is no such thing as reality... ...it's all virtual. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ NutWorks News ============= 1) Brand-spanking new NutWorks Info files are now available on CSNEWS at MAINE and xxxxx at xxxxxx, but if you're reading this, (and we know you are) then you probably don't need/care to see anything in the INFO file. 2) NutWorks is now available on TCSSERVE at TCSVM using the SENDME command. Yup, we're spreading like the plague. 3) (Outdated text deleted.) 4) (Outdated text deleted.) Eds. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nuts & Bolts ============== That's right folks, it's time again for... THE ALL-TIME LIST OF SUPERLATIVES!!! This month's topic...Sillyness -------------------------------------------- Sillyest song title.........."Da Doo Ron Ron Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron" Sillyest animal noise........Gobble (But "Moo" runs a close second.) Sillyest pizza topping.......Anchovies Sillyest women's undergarment................The Girdle Sillyest euphamism for fecal matter................"poo-poo" Sillyest Politician..........Claude Pepper Sillyest Ronco product.......The "In-the-Shell Egg Scrambler" Sillyest sexual toy..........Jello (all flavors) Sillyest Philospher..........Heideggar Sillyest food................Yogurt Sillyest non-food............Tofu Sillyest name for a cartoon character...........Elmer Fudd Sillyest nationality.........Canadian French. No, make that ALL French. Sillyest college major.......Physical Education (Runner up: Philosophy) Sillyest puctuation mark.....The Squigely Bracket Sillyest Airline.............People's Express Sillyest country name........Djibuti, Africa (pron'ced DEE-JEE-BOO'-TEE) Sillyest name for a Rock band.................Jethro Tull Sillyest pair of assholes....Grant/Rudman Sillyest phrase.............."Now then..." (Think about it.) Sillyest musical instrument..The Tuba Sillyest American actor......Ronald Reagan Sillyest American president..Ronald Reagan Sillyest name for a computer company............WANG Sillyest American city.......Tuscaloosa Sillyest bodily function.....The Fart Sillyest name for a brand of Coffee..............Choc Full O' Nuts Sillyest Sport...............Crocodile Wrestling Sillyest name for a university..................Hofstra Sillyest T.V. game show......Press Your Luck ("Big bucks, no whammies!") Sillyest game show host......Wink Martindale Sillyest word in the English language............Booger Sillyest holiday.............Groundhog Day Sillyest name for a programming language........LISP Sillyest reason to form a computer network............Because It's There bcjb. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ And it came to pass that the ART majors were required by their college to partake of the computer class, so that they would acquire an education of well-roundedness. And the Dean saw that it was good. Struggled they, to fathom the computer. Much documentation did they read. Came they to the final exam. "Define the following:" was the only instruction. Did they their best. Here be their answers: CPU: "This is the central processing unit usually --- pictured above the memory on the diagram located almost 30 times in my notes." BIT: "Binary Digit. Represents either or something but --- nothing in between." "Most machines have 8 bits." B Disk: "The B disk is were (sic) all of our assignments ------ are." "This disk on someone else's virtual machine of which we can only read the material from." SCRIPT: "A device which by adding control words, you can ------ make an assignment neater." "SCRIPT is a format. You string everything together to make nice neat margins so you leave .fo on." OP SYS: "An operating system is a giant program which is ------ always running in the computer and it runs the computer." VM: "The virtual machine is physically 'real', but in -- terms of the large really 'real' computer my 'machine' is only the virtual terminal upon which I work." HEX: "Hexadecimal notation is a spurious character --- appearing often in the form of a period in a line of input in your file." BASIC: "To calculate the total employee you must add one ----- to each employee." COMMANDS: "We have to type asterusis in our console file." -------- "COPY (a variable in a PLC program) is a location where the translated alphabits are stored." "The command Print fn ft sends the file to my virtuous reader." "The command L * SCRIPT (Date means the names of file on A disk go to screen, using SCRIPT to format on a certain day." RESUME: "I have extreme competence in dealing with the ------ public." GENERAL: "The computer can help elliviate spelling errors." ------- And great was the professor in his mirth. bcjb. (and a jovial professor) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This is the little subscription leaflet that you never see in normal magazines because it always falls out onto the floor, and lands in the dog dish. Notice how ours stays *in* the magazine! Just another fine example of the superior quality of NutWorks magazine! Of the following, which box would you be more likely to check: +--+ YES! I would LOVE to receive issues of NutWorks magazine at NO | | charge! This IS an amazing deal that I'd have to be positively +--+ CRAZY to turn down! I will be anxiously awaiting the arrival of each new issue, so please RUSH NutWorks to me as soon as possible! +--+ NO! I am a complete moron, and a poop-head. I'm not interested | | in your stupid magazine, and if I see it, I'll purge it. Don't +--+ ever send me anything. I hate you. Bleah! Pthooey. If you checked the "YES" box, why don't you send a mail file to the editorial staff and let us know? If you checked the "NO" box, you are a mindless jerk and deserve to be nailed to a tree by your eyelids. bcjb & Scott J. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Question of the month: ===================== "So, if this Khadaffy guy is such a hot shot, why is he only a Colonel?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ GENESIS ======= In the beginning, IBM created the hardware and the software. And the software was without form, and zeroes were upon the face of the disks. And the sysgen moved upon the face of the drum. And IBM said, "Let there be system," and it was "genned". And IBM saw the system, and it was buggy. And IBM divided the light from the dark, and called the light OS, and the dark HASP. And the cold start and the warm start were the first crash. And IBM said, "Let there be a supervisor in the midst of core, and let it divide the regions from the regions." And IBM called the supervisor MVT. And the cold start, and the warm start were the second crash. And IBM said, "Let the programs in the machine be gathered into one area," and it was so. And it called the area LINKLIB, and the rest EXTRALIB, and IBM saw that it was good. And IBM said, "Let the supervisor bring forth (CLG) initiators, and the initiators running programs, and the programs yielding output, each to it's own dataset," and IBM saw that it was good. And the cold start, and the warm start were the third crash. And IBM said, "Let there be lights on the console to divide the wait's from loops, and let them be for the operators and for the programmers. And IBM made five great lights: the system light to rule the CPU, the wait light to command the operators -- He made the PSW also. And the cold start, and the warm start were the fourth crash. And IBM said, "Let the disk bring forth abundantly the utilities that hath bugs, and appendages may fly above the system in supervisor state." And IBM created the great compilers, and every subroutine that runneth and IBM saw that it was good. And the cold start and the warm start were the fifth crash. And IBM said, "Let the core bring forth the linkage editor after it's kind, for object modules and load modules," and it was so. And IBM said, "Let us make users in our own image and let them have dominion over the readers and over the printers and over the disks and over all of the system, and over every bug in HASP that lurketh beneath the nucleus." And IBM created the user in His own image, and IBM blessed them, and said, "Be fruitful and multiply and add and subtract and divide, and fill the queues." And IBM said, "Behold, I have given you every procedure bearing JCL which is on the face of the PROCLIB. And IBM saw that it was good. And the cold start and the warm start were the sixth crash. Thus the hardware and the software were finished, and all the troubles with them. And on the seventh day IBM unbundled the work that it had made, and rested from producing. And IBM sanctified the unbundling and blessed it -- because on it, IBM rested and created a larger profit. anon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Shaggy Dogs =========== (The "answers" to these shaggy dog stories are at the bottom of this article.) ----------- I. Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle, was innocently leaping from tree to tree one fine day, when a band of crazed cannibals ambushed and killed him. They devoured him almost immediately, except for the lining of his stomach which they stretched over a hollow log to make a bongo drum, and gave it to the son of the chief cannibal. The boy was delighted with his new drum and played it constantly for weeks. Until one day, he came crying to his father the chief. "Daddy," he whimpered, "my bongo drum rotted away." "Son," replied the chief, "you can't play 'Tarzan's Tripe Forever.'" ----------- II. And then there was the story of the guy who played the harp for the local orchestra. After a particularly boring day at orchestra practice, he and some friends decided to stop in at Sam's Disco for a quick dance and perhaps a drink or two. Not wanting to leave his valuable harp in the car where it could easily get stolen, he brought it into Sam's with him. Well, the "quick drink" soon turned into several rounds, and our harp player soon began to stagger and yell and cause such a commotion that Sam had to throw him out of the disco and send him home. He awoke the next morning, his head pounding, and slowly began to dress for orchestra practice. As he was about to leave, he discovered that his harp, his pride and joy, was missing. "Oh no!" he gasped. And with a deep sigh, he began to sing, "I left my harrrrrrp... in Sam's damn discooooooo..." ----------- III. Long time ago, there lived great Indian warrior named Shortcake. Shortcake in love with Squaw who lived on other side of great river. Many moons, him sit on bank of great river, watching Squaw who sit on other side. Many times, him decide to swim across great river, but him coward. Him build boat and paddle. But boat sink, and him die. Squaw jump in water and drag out body of Shortcake. And then, 'Squaw bury Shortcake.' ----------- IV. Roy Rodgers was so delighted with his new pair of cowboy boots that he walked into town to show them off. But on the way into town, a cougar jumped out from behind a bush and attacked him. Roy tried his best to escape from the cougar, but his new boots weren't broken in yet and their stiffness made it hard for him to run. Regret- fully, he pulled them off and ran away without them. The cougar was overjoyed at this, and it tore the discarded boots to shreds. Roy, now very angry at the loss of his prize boots, went home, took out his shotgun, and went looking for that cougar. When he returned, the dead cougar slung over his shoulder, his wife met him at the door. When she saw the cougar, she said, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?" ----------- V. When the first team of explorers landed on Planet X, they found that the inhabitants were nothing more than little balls of fur with arms and legs. The explorers called the creatures "Furries" and soon found that the Furries were very adept at manufacturing things. Whenever the explorers needed anything, they just had to go look, and most assuredly there was a Furry somewhere who produced it. But the Furries all looked alike, so, to make it easy for the explorers, each of the Furries wore his particular product on the top of his head. The Furry who sold radios had a radio on top; the one who made dishes had a dish on top; and so forth. One day, one of the explorers, a diabetic, ran frantically into the explorers' headquarters. "My needle broke!" he cried, "How will I ever be able to take my insulin!?" The others, unconcerned, sang to him: "If you need those drugs in a hurry, It's okay, no sweat, don't worry, Just go see that cute little 'Furry with the Syringe on top...' ----------- Answers: I.........'Stars and Stripes Forever' II........'I Left My Heart in San Francisco' III.......'Strawberry Shortcake' IV........'Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo?' V.........'The Surrey With the Fringe On Top' bcjb. (Among others) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ And now, a news flash from the world of Heavy Metal Rock. ==================================== Dateline Hollywood: In a brief news conference today at Ripgore Recording Studios, it was announced that yet another benefit concert will be held in April to aid the starving masses in Etheopia. This time, the contributing groups will all be Heavy Metal bands. But what will make this concert different is, instead of performing one after the other, the participating bands will all play on the same stage simultaneously. Furthermore, all the bands will each be performing different songs, again, simultaneously. The reason for this unprece- dented schedule was not given, but one of the participating artists said that it would be a "stimulating experience." The concert, dubbed "Twisted-Helical-Iron-Scorpion-Rat's-AC/DC- Maiden-Sister's-Leopard-Kiss--Aid", was tentatively scheduled to be held in Omaha, Nebraska, but due to the local zoning laws forbidding any noise exceeding 250,000 decibels, the location was changed to The Sea of Copernicus, the Moon. The concert will NOT be broadcast via satellite, as it will easily be heard at every point in the known universe. Other "Aid" events to watch for... Roller-Derby Queens benefit Derby...........RollAid Secret Service benefit supper...............Presidential Aid American Medical Association luncheon.......First Aid The Wall Street Charity bonds...............Financial Aid American Cinemas benefit movies.............Visual Aid Fisherman's Union benefit Fish Fry..........MermAid bcjb. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Appendix ======== We're sorry, but this issue of NutWorks has had its appendix removed. Damn! How can we ever wear our new French bikini with this ugly scar!? ----X----X----X----X----X---- <---- ugly scar bcjb. ------------------------------------------------------------------------