%%% %%% %%%% %%% %% %%%%% %%%% %%%% %% %%%% %% %% %% %% %%% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% %% % %% %% %% %%%% %% %% %% %% %%%% %% %%% %%%%% // // //// ////// ////// // \\ \ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ // /// // //////// ////// ////// // \\\\ \\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ /// /// // // // // // // [ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #05, File #060 ] [ "Adventures in the Potty" by Mustaine ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Adventures in the Potty [Copyright (c) 1994-1995 Mustaine] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Imagine poor Joe Schmoe. Joe is a high school graduate, going through that famed summer before college starts. He is a normal Schmoe, working all day to get money for college, massively in love with his girlfriend, and very tired after teaching summer camp all day. Anyways, around sometime in July, in the year 1994, Joe Schmoe has an unprecedented...adventure in the potty! Want details? Read on. So like Joe gets home after 4:00. Joe is midly fatigued, slightly irritated, and if Joe was a female...we could have said PMS had set in. Work was hell, little snots were pulling at him all day from the summer camp where he worked, and all he wanted to do was go home, go to the potty, and get a nap before calling his esteemed girlfriend in hopes of a date later that evening. Does Joe get his wish? Yeah right...and life is simple. Anyways, Joe gets home, as previously stated, and runs upstairs to the bathroom. No problem there right? Are you following me? Ok, so Joe gets to the bathroom and takes off his drawers. Why? He then proceeds to sit down. On a wet seat. Ewwwwww. Ok, so someone forgot to wipe the seat off. Natural occurence in a family of three men, two women. Pee on the legs. Joe massively freaks out and jumps up taking wads of toilet paper to wash of the "affected" area. Joe then wipes off the seat. Whew. So poor Joe sits down, on a now dry seat to drop his...uh..well you know. Anyways, little brother of Joe...the imbecilic one..has decided to play a horrible prank on the next user of the commode. Unbeknowenst to Joe, but knowenst to brother of Joe, clear plastic Saran wrap has been stretched tightly across the seat in between the water part, and the seat part. So Joe dumps...and it goes...NOWHERE. Ewwwwww. Ok, so Joe's doo doo goes nowhere. Once again Joe jumps up, half in the middle of trying to doo doo, and takes wads of paper breaking the wrap, and dropping some doo doo. Joy. Joe then sits back down, after screaming profanity and promises of castration the the offender..and proceeds his..uh doo-doo'in. Yeah, that sounds good. Ok, so Joe is done with the doo doo. Simple right? WRONG. Joe reaches for toilet paper. Of course, Joe is out of toilet paper after using it all on his little sibling's malicious pranks. Crap. Joe now rises, with drawers around his ankles, and opens the door to leave and find some toilet paper in the closet in the next room. Enter Kitty. Kitty has an affection for Joe's...uh...third...dangling...leg. Proceed with running around the small room with Kitty playing tug of war. Joe then has an unfortunate accident, tripping over his drawers (which are still down to his ankles) and falling on Kitty..who is still attached to Joe. Ouch. Let's take a break for a few seconds while Joe finds a bandaid. As for Kitty, let's just say that cats are only rumored to have 9 lives. Joe then limps his way to a closet, searching frantically for toilet paper. Finding some on the top shelf, Joe makes an attempt to grab himself some wipes. However, as Joe tugs the package of toilet paper, soap falls down from on top of the package and hits him on the head. And I don't mean the head that has his brians. Let me take a moment to explain. Brother of Schmoe....who was in charge of putting away the toiletry and hygene products on grocery day, decided to throw the soap up to the top shelf in futile hope that Mother of Schmoe wouldn't make him use it in his monthly bath. Of course, we know what ultimately happened to the soap, but to this day, brother of Schmoe has been emotionaly disturbed after finding that his soap was missing. Convinced of some extraterrestial plot to steal soap, brother of Schmoe has since ran away to a monestary in Tibet. Back to Joe... Joe has since found his toilet paper, and has now returned to the toilet. Joe is now able to cleanse himself, and proceeds to wad up more paper and throw it into the toilet. Now the ritualistic flush is to occur. Well, maybe not. You see, Joe has overlooked the tiny fact that a toilet has problems flushing when there is fifteen pounds of paper and waste in the recepticle. Hence comes an overflow of...stuff?? Joe looks around hastily for his trusty plunger. But it's not there. Instead, a note is found where the plunger is usually held, reading: To Whom it May Concern, I Brother of Schmoe do regretfully confess that the plunger who usually finds its home and steady employment of sewage suckage has taken a leave of absence to help me with my science project at day camp. It will be returned in a few days. Problems, comments??? Send all complaints to my camp counselor who made me clean up the mess I made with my cherry bomb...er...uh science experiment. Yours truely, Brother of Schmoe. Poor Joe...no plunger. Oh well. Joe now runs frantically about the room looking for something to unclog the toilet. Unfortuantely, all he can find is an old bag of Doritos and some tweezers. That had to do seeing how the stuff was now creating a steady stream down the hall. Using a flash of ingenuity, Joe places his hand in the Dorito bag, and uses the tweezers to unclog the toilet. Joe has saved the day. Whew...it's all over right? WRONG. Joe now yanks up his pants, and hastily zippers his zipper. Ewww. Poor Joe...as if he hadn't gotten stuck with enough problems today. Now he had a stuck problem...in his zipper. Needless to say, that took a minute or two to get out of. Now, the story should end here...and indeed it does, in terms of Joe's adventure to the potty. However, later that evening Joe had another...brief adventure that simply must be told. Read on for more. Ok, so skip ahead a few hours. Joe Schmoe is now in the kitchen, quietly recovering from his most recent...adventures. He has made plans with his girlfriend for a late dinner, and is trying in vain to relax for the evening. On the table of the kitchen is an array of doughnuts that poor Joe assumes have been made by his mother for family consumption. Wrong. Unbeknownst to Joe, but knowesnt to us, these doughnuts are a special experiment by brother of Joe for his ederly grandmother. Brother of Joe had taken a popular chocolate laxative, and microwave melted a chocolate shell over some homemade doughnuts. Needles to say, our poor shmuck Joe eats one of the doughnuts...and runs up to the family bathroom. What happened next irrevicably changed Joe's life forever...but that as we say..is another story...and another adventure...in the POTTY. Maybe someday Joe will publish the story...but until then..I think we can wait. THE END....or is it?? *** Next issue...Scuba Diving in the Bathroom 101: Joe's Revenge *** ============================================================================== Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510 ==============================================================================