°°°± °°°± °± °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°°± [MiLK] °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°± °°°°°± File #28 °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °± °± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°°°°± °°°± °°°°°°°± °°°± °°°± "People are Shitheads" °°± °°± °°°± °°°± °°°± -By Yohan Bawk °°°± °°°± °°°± °± °± °°± People are Shitheads -------------------- or Another Racist Communist Plot to Impurify and Destroy our Vital Bodily Fluids -------------------------------- By Hrrrmph Edited by Biff Thelmus Bonglemeister III Hello, my name is Hrrrmph, and I'm an infestation. Yes, that's right, other folks may be doctors and lawyers and teachers and mayors and lamprey hunters, but me, I'm just a lowly infestation. To be more specific, I'm a thrown out empty can of Snapple Kiwi and Strawberry cocktail floating merrily along on the Chicago River (boy, and you were starting to think I was a yeast infection or something. Ewwww!). Now every day (before I got thrown in this dump that is) I would hear people complaining about pollution and I always thought, "well, heck, those people are right, pollution is downright ugly." But now, I myself am a piece of pollution, and I guess my mind is a lot more open now to these alternate lifestyles, because NOW (obviously) I don't think pollution is so ugly anymore. Heck. Some of my best friends are pieces of pollution. Anyway, I'm here today to tell you about the newest menace to the freedom and character and vital bodily fluids of the continental Untied States, yes, that's right, yet another new and terrible form of discrimination. Yes, I am a sad victim of the new scourge to civil rights lawyers everywhere, UTILITARIAN DISCRIMINATION. Now this may sound new, because it is, so you're probably asking "what is this crap?" Well, I'm sure you've heard of racial discrimination, and religious or sexual discrimination, and some of you may even have heard of the less popular small furry animals discrimination. Well anyway racial discrimination is when people treat people differently because of race and stuff, sexual because of sex and stuff, small furry animals because the guys who work for the big make-up companies have guns. Well, whatever-- that's not important because basically the only thing I worry about is utilitarian discrimination, which is when employers, dump operators, etc. treat someone differently because of the fact that they're not useful. Now this is totally unfair, and I'm in court today to protest this un- American unjustice. Now ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you may demand some evidence to back my charges of utilitarian discrimination. Well here are some examples. When I had just been thrown aside, it wasn't in the river, it was on the side of the road, being thrown FROM THE WINDOW OF A CAR. Ouch! Now, I was part of a six pack you know, and none of the OTHER cans were thrown out the window to die. If that wasn't discrimination, I don't know what is. Now then I was bouncing and rolling around, finally falling into a bed of daisies, when some guy with an orange vest on comes along with a trash bag and says "hrrmph!" Now of course I started listening, but then he just said "geez, all this trash," and picked me up and threw me in the disgusting smelly trash can! Ewww! You don't see those trash stooges throwing any daisies in their trash cans, do you? Of course not, clearly more discrimination against us poor discarded implements. Then, the guy's bag springs a leak, and all this trash comes out, and so do I. The guy leans over to pick up the stuff when his pocket change rolls out of his pockets, and he starts running after it. Now at this time I started rolling down toward the sick Chicago River, but did he come running along to save ME? Of course not, he went for his pocket change. More shocking discrimination. Anyway then I fell down PLOP into the river, and there I am to this day, and Jesus, don't I hate it here. Every now and then I hear someone yell "hrrmph, look at all this shit floating in the river," and I just want to say, "well then SAVE ME, I KNOW there's shit all over the river," but of course I have no vocal cords--probably because even GOD discriminates against useless things. Anyway, the point is, I want restitution for the emotional damages caused me by my shocking experiences with utilitarian discrimination. Hey, if you're good looking, remember, I too was once wanted, so I'm not some pathetic welfare recipient asking for dough; if you're not good looking, heck, join forces with me and ASK FOR YOUR AMERICAN RIGHTS under our fucked-up Constitution. HRRRMPH FOR PRESIDENT '96 (Democrat) ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³³ Vote for me, ³ ³ S N A P P L E ³ ³³ I can relate with ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³³ all your shit ³ Kiwi-Strawberry Cocktail ³³/ ³ ³³ o ³ ³³ o ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÙ o Û Û [MiLK] Information Û Û Û Û [MiLK] Sites: Û Û Û Û Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Acropolis..............(708)557-2826 [14,400] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Mech World.................(708)757-0116 [14,400] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes] Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û File Number 28, "People Are Shitheads" By Yohan Bawk ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is exactly 6733 bytes long