s$ $$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1101 [-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "The First Time" $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by, Quarex $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 06/28/00 [-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ "TssT" "TssT" There is a small chance you already know what this file is all about. If so, I already wish to ask why in god's name you are still fucking reading it. What is wrong with you? Why the fuck do you want to find out about my first masturbation experience? Oh, right, I should probably explain this text file for those of you who do not already know what it is. Though I pretty much just gave it away. Well, in any case, a little backstory: Most things I do in life lead back to complaining about women. Just read half of my other h0e files. As a result, I ended up making a bet with Mogel about 10 months ago, something to the effect of "Whichever of us gets a girlfriend first, from this point onward, has to write a 10k text file about the first time he masturbated." Now, quite frankly, this bet was a done deal before we even agreed on the terms. Mogel would clearly "lose," get a girlfriend before I did, and have to write the text file. All quite harmless fun in the sake of raucous stupidity. Unfortunately, that did not come to pass. At my friend Madpony's girlfriend's graduation party, I met her best friend Jennifer. I immediately told her I was proud of her for being nearly 6'0", as it is obviously quite uncommon for a woman to even be less than a foot shorter than me, let alone just four inches shorter. She seemed to find my unorthodox flirting style intriguing, somehow. We started hanging out the next week, and somehow ended up deciding we were dating on June 17th. After waiting a day to see if she would immediately die in a car wreck, I informed Mogel of the status of the bet. I lost. I was to write the text file. I was unendingly confused. So, I suppose with that out of the way, I have no choice but to get started on the real track of this text file: Pure, Unadulterated Pornography. ************************************** QUAREX'S FIRST MASTURBATION EXPERIENCE (m, pedo, first time) ************************************** God, I cannot fucking believe I am doing this. Granted, it is not so much that I even really care, as so much that anyone reading this SOMEHOW WANTS TO READ ABOUT MY FIRST MASTURBATION EXPERIENCE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU FORGETTING THAT I AM MALE? I do not even think pedopheliac gay men would want to read this file. For fuck's sake, go read something of mine with some value already. Okay. Well, whatever. Somehow, for some reason, you want to read this. Great. Fine by me. But just try to keep in mind that this will probably prove to be your undoing. *************************************** QUAREX'S FIRST MASTURBATION EXPERIENCE. *************************************** I was never a normal child. And I do not mean that in the way most blithering idiots mean it--"Derr derr, I am special!" No, I am just stating a fact. My life never followed standard patterns. Being an only child was fucked up enough. Having a father who was initially raised Southern (I think) Baptist just makes it worse. Then, add in a mother who was in a car accident at 14, leaving her with aphasia. For those of you who do not know, aphasia, essentially, should be known as "Absurdist Humor Syndrome." In essence, it makes her unable to think of the proper word for something she is trying to say once in a while. Thus, her speech is completely normal for several minutes, and then she will say "Can you hand me the pickle?" instead of "Can you hand me the remote control." She is, of course, fully aware of her mistake, but it takes her a few tries to get it right, unless someone helps her. I think you can all imagine pretty well what kind of child this can end up raising. So, my entire life was lived watching Monty Python reruns, playing countless hours of games on my Atari 800XL computer, and dreaming of one day growing up to be a knight or a wizard. It should therefore come as no surprise that I was more or less never exposed to anything even remotely erotic or sexually explicit until junior high. The feature film "Love, Lust, and Ecstacy" was on Cinemax late one night during a sleep over I was having at my house. We watched it, and I was quite confused at the sensations running through my body. Yes, it was true, I had forgotten to go to the bathroom that day. Not much came from that random soft core porn movie. In fact, I more or less forgot it again, with my unbelievably fantastic 8088 IBM PC rapidly filling the sexual gaps in my life with the gentle, soothing whir of electronic bliss. Then, the unthinkable happened. As had happened twice before in my life, my dad received a scholarship to make a lot of money by teaching in a foreign country for four months. This particular trip was to South Korea. It was 1992. I was almost 14. My computers were 8,000 miles away. Before, simple action figures and sightseeing were enough to keep me entertained. I had been 5 and 9 during my last major world tours, after all. But not this time. No, this time, things were much, much worse. I was constantly bombarded by confusing feelings in South Korea. Back home, I never really left my house other than to go to school or to an arcade, and never really paid any attention to the girls at either place. But, in South Korea, the girls paid attention to me, and I was forced to pay attention back. Damn, that Croatian chick Tihana was pretty cute. I hope she did not get killed a few years later. In any case, females were starting to play some kind of role in my life, much to my dismay. You can see it in my face in pictures taken during this era: The "complete-and-total-ignorance-of-real-life" expression I had all my life was replaced with the "Damn-these-Korean-bitches-got-nice-bodies" stare. To make myself perfectly clear, I never really found any one female attractive until my next year of school, back in Illinois. However, I was beginning to understand that women were attractive, and as we all know, finding either sex attractive is a recipe for disaster. So, fast-forward to near the end of our stay in South Korea. My four months of torture (well, not really torture--I played Street Fighter 2 and Tetris almost literally hours every day, and was a fucking hustler-quality SF2 player by the time I got back to the states, but that is another story entirely) were almost at an end, and we had moved out of our apartment and into a hotel, waiting our connecting flight to Hawaii the next day. I, naturally, did not want to go to bed when my parents did, since I have been staying up late my entire life. I never even got up early enough to watch Saturday morning cartoons as a child. In any case, I was wondering what was on T.V. The T.V. was kind of facing away from my parents, and I had my own bed, so I did not feel too bad about sitting up and watching some Korean Bullshit. Much to my not-at-all surprise, South Korea, like every Southeastern Asian country, had free, most likely illegally fed, softcore porn channels on in the rooms. So, deciding that "Emmanuelle on Some Fucking Island" was better than "BBC News" or Korean-dubbed "Alf," I kept watching it. It was a pretty standard softcore porn film. Really, they all are. There is only so much you can do with sex. Well, okay, that is completely untrue. There is a lot of stuff you can do with it. And this movie, so far as I can tell, was actually pretty good for a softcore porn film. They never really bothered trying to have interesting characters or plot exposition, they just went ahead with the non-stop streams of meaningless lesbian encounters, watched alternately by another lesbian, or occasionally a man, but not too frequently. Have I mentioned yet that in school, earlier that year, whenever someone would make the "masturbation" hand gesture, I honestly had no idea what they were talking about? I even asked my mom what it meant once. I am pretty sure she told me. But I still did not understand what "masturbation" meant, even in 8th grade. Considering my lexicon consisted entirely of different skill-rankings from the game "Blue Max," that should come as little surprise. But, in any case, back to the movie. There was some pretty fun sex in it, including the requisite "This-movie-is-on-an-island-so-we-must-do-it- -on-a-waterfall" shot. At some point, one of the few men in the movie ended up with the main female character. They started talking, and the woman put her hand down to the guy's crotch. I, of course, still had no idea what was going on. Then, either they actually showed her rubbing his crotch, or at least implied it so I knew what the hell was going on, and I was instantly confused, as always. As anyone who has ever watched softcore porn knows, sex in movies like that is often portrayed as two people wearing underwear rubbing against each other. Therefore, I still did not even have any real clue as to what sex was. For another side note, when my parents had asked me a few years before this if I knew what sex was, I had immediately told them I did. After all, I had seen "Love, Lust, and Ecstacy," and there could undoubtedly be no better sexual primer than that. So anyway, she was rubbing him. I really wondered what the hell was going on. However, I did not have much time to wonder, as soon thereafter the camera went somewhere else, and this time a naked woman was sitting on some kind of bench, with another woman performing oral sex on her and caressing her breasts. This immediately struck me as the coolest thing I had ever seen. Then, in an eternally unfortunate burst of logic, I decided that if I rubbed my own penis, that clearly I would accomplish something. Unfortunately, I had no idea how right I was. It was pretty fun at first. I was like "Hey, this makes having an erection even more fun!" Well, okay, I did not actually think that. I honestly have no idea what was going through my mind, other than the unfortunate hormonal drive to keep doing what I was doing. The scene continued, and it was still really quite excellently erotic, and I continued going at it. Eventually, the sensation I was feeling shifted quite dramatically. Then, much to my abject horror, some kind of substance began seeping through whatever the hell pants or shorts or whatever I was wearing. I immediately ran in terror to the bathroom, in order to determine what the hell was going on. After quickly determining I was probably going to be okay, I questioned what had just happened, and if it could happen again. "Surely," I thought, "That sex scene was just so arousing that this just happened to me." Yes, Drew, surely, that must be the case. Regardless of the after effects, the mess I had created vexed me to no end. How can something which is so pleasing create such an unpleasant spill to clean up? Why must the duality of existence taunt me so? After that, I quickly fell into the standard trapping of masturbating, since I am male and all. I am proud to say I do not think I masturbated more than twice a day, at most, for years afterwards. Sometimes I would not masturbate for a week at a time! Good god, imagine that. Of course, now, masturbation is just another thing I do that I wish I did not do, since it accomplishes virtually nothing. At least I finally built myself a robot to clean up after me. So, there you have it. An over 10k text file about the first time I masturbated, somehow managing to not cover masturbation in and of itself until about 9.9k in. I suppose that was the challenge of this assignment, though, to write about anything but masturbation for as long as you could. Or maybe I should have just gone into as much detail as I possibly could about that Emmanuelle movie. It was no "Goodbye, Emmanuelle," but it was definitely right up there. [-------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu HOE #1101, BY QUAREX - 6/28/00 ]