[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #560 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "Create Your Own Fun!" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 4/6/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] It's tough living in a small, podunk, empty, loser little town in the middle of nowhere. If you haven't experienced this, then just take my word for it: almost 22 years of blissful boredom experience can speak volumes. Granted, they're not the most exciting volumes you would ever read, but they exist if you should care. Anyway. I doubt anyone could dispute that I've lived one of the most boring existences that ever, ummm, existed. It's not completely my fault; my family is poor, but not so poor that we've done cool exciting things like lived in shelters and had to beg on the streets. I guess I'm saying that my family was poor enough to be on welfare for an incredible number of years and to never take any kind of "family vacation". Needless to say, I never left the immediate area of Iowa, Wisconsin, and Illinois until I turned 18. (That's when I got to see Minnesota! Yay!) After all this time of sitting around and brooding in my stupid Iowa town with stupid Iowa people doing stupid Iowa things, I thought to myself, wow, I'm not insane. Okay, I'm insane, but I'm not running around 24 hours a day in circles screaming about purple and yellow alligators eating all the daisies or something else your typical insane person would scream. Obviously, I found _some_ way to keep myself occupied. But, what if you DON'T have almost 22 years experience in the art of boredom? And what if, for some evil and heinous reason, you should find yourself in a completely boring and utterly useless situation? Will you know what to do? Will you be able to remain coherent, lucid, and communicative? And so, I shall share with you some ways that I have learned to create my own fun. It's not as easy as it looks, finding ways to stay reasonably occupied. Without the proper experience, you may find yourself shouting about alligators and purple and yellow flowers and the like. I want to help you. I want to _save_ you. Fun Thing #1: Quietly Happy =========================== This is the easiest way to create your own fun. They can usually be done without leaving home and rarely bothering anyone around you. Read a book. Watch TV or a movie. Draw. Color. Put together a puzzle. Play solitaire. Stir. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. This is the lame way to stay sane. It will eventually drive you crazy. But for short periods of time, it will help. Fun Thing #2: Group Boredom =========================== If you have any friends, this is an easy way to have an enjoyable day or evening. Get ahold of some other similarly bored people and go to a movie. Or, go play pool at a bar. Hang out at a local 24-hour restaurant and chit-chat. Drive around and "scope out the honeys". Play tag. Jump rope. This is also very lame, but you won't feel _nearly_ as bored, since you will be sharing your boredom with others. However, continuing this method of fun will eventually lead to group psychosis. Fun Thing #3: Silly Pranks ========================== It really is required to have at least one friend for this, because doing silly pranks just for yourself will not give the required ego boost that showing off for someone else will give. Make crank phone calls (watch out for Caller ID, however). T-P a mean person's house. Set a bag of doggie doo-doo on fire on someone's doorstep, then knock. Knock over a porch swing. Throw a dead bird on someone's lawn. Climb up a movie theater sign and rearrange the letters. They're lame, but fun, and quasi-legal. The worst that could happen is being caught and yelled at. And either way, that's not so horrible. In fact, that can be more fun than the pranks themselves. Fun Thing #4: Break Stuff ========================= This usually requires a car and a group of darkly-clothed friends. The most exciting way to use this way to create fun is to do drive-by smashings. Baseball bats are nice, but not necessary. Some traditional Iowa versions of breaking stuff include picking up virgin Mary statuettes and smashing them in driveways, throwing lawn furniture through windows, and kicking lawn globes. If you are on a farm, the next best thing would be cow tipping (not near as fun). This is definitely the illegal way to create fun. But, baby, it's fun. Getting caught is a definite no-no. Don't even entertain the thought. If so, you'll have to graduate to... Fun Thing #5: Car Chases ======================== This is the most wonderfully exciting way to have a ton of fun. One tried-and-true method is to throw things at a pick-up truck in the lane next to yours at a stoplight. Another is to get caught doing bad things and outrunning the police. Last but not least, screaming at a carful of teenage guys in a new Mustang that Daddy must love them _much_ more than most daddies love their little boys to buy them a new Mustang will usually do the trick. This one sucks if you own a Geo Metro. Don't attempt this unless you know your car can pull a 90 degree left turn at 40 mph and you know the town layout _very well_. Trust me -- car chases with an out-of-towner behind the wheel will force you to end up in a private driveway and blocked in so that you will have to narrowly escape plowing over an innocent baby tree and jumping a huge curb to be on your merry way. Fun Thing #6 (by difficulty): Get Drunk, Get High, and/or Get Laid ================================================================== Fun for all. Make sure you have some friends, or these ways to have fun might just lead you back to boredom (or stiff knuckles). For some, this is the Ultimate Achievable Goal and tends to occur every Saturday. For others, this will never, ever happen. Nonetheless, it is definitely the most popular method of occupying eons of boredom-time; however, many fail to realize that actually, they're all still bored as hell. Fun Thing #7: "Other" ===================== Picture it: You can make your own bombs and kill people you don't like, don't care about, or just don't even know! Or, you can practice your Jim Rose Sideshow skills by picking up cement blocks with your nipplerings. Not to mention all the fun you can have with your new Ronco Food Dehydrator! I do not recommend anything in the "other" category. It is unapproved unless done to achieve Fun Thing #6. And if all else fails... should you find yourself completely bored and useless and going insane... run away. Run to a cold, dark place, and die. Put yourself out of the hellish misery that is boredom. Snuff it. Jump from a very high place. Consume mass quantities of Drain-O. Break out the Glock 9. Whatever. You never know... it might be fun. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #560 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 4/6/99 ]