'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTACY PRESS RELEASE #270 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
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  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The Coming of the Lord"                 !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Cyn                                !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 11/4/98                                  !!
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        "She was into S&M and bible studies, not everyone's cup of tea."
                                                  - Belle and Sebastion
 
        Recently I was having sexual fantasies about Jesus.  These weren't
 apropos of nothing, mind, they were the direct result of having downloaded
 every picture on the Jesus of the Week website and a heck of a lot of porn
 all in the same day.  They did raise a lot of questions in my mind, namely
 "What kind of a pervert am I?", "Am I going straight to hell?" and "Is
 _this_ what that Jesus freak meant when I asked him what he'd been doing
 lately and he said, 'Letting Jesus romance me,'?"  I answered the pervert
 question by downloading a bunch more porn of the net.  While this lead to
 more questions, like, "Who looks more ashamed in this picture, the girl or
 the sheep?" when it comes to perversion, I am definitely an amateur.  Being
 a stanch atheist, I ignored the hell question.  The third question I don't
 want to know the answer to.

        At this point, you're probably thinking, "Jesus?  What's up with
 that."  But think about it.  He's the son of God, which, in my mind at
 least, means he's gotta be hung.  The Good Lord isn't going to give his
 only son something that'll make him ashamed to shower after gym class.
 Of course, the Good Lord let his only son get nailed to a tree, which
 makes you question the guy's priorities a little, but I stand by my Son
 of God = Big Dick equation.  It just makes sense.

        I discussed the whole Jesus thing at some length with my friend
 Jeffie, who helpfully pointed out that if he was on the cross, you
 wouldn't even need bondage gear.  I replied, "He'd be nailed in more ways
 than one!" I think this was after I pointed out you wouldn't have to get
 on your knees to blow him if he was on the cross.

        Really, I think the best argument to be made for Jesus is that he's
 so much sexier than all the other religious figures.  I mean, Buddha?
 Come on.  The triple Goddess goes straight from Maiden to Mother, which
 strongly argues against both birth control and her swinging both ways,
 unless you're taking a very loose definition of Maiden.  Kali-Ma's kind
 of sexy, but she's got a reputation for being pretty cruel if you piss
 her off.  There's always Satan, but he's been everywhere, so the guy's
 probably an STD paradise.  Jesus is the only logical choice.

        Besides, he's a stud.

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 !!    (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #270 -- WRITTEN BY: CYN -- 11/4/98    !!