=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= guilt in three parts -------------------- i lay in bed, watching my life revert. i revert back to my days as an angst ridden youth, seeking shelter in lyrics that confused the emotionally strong. days and nights waiting to bury myself in my own world, away from people. i told myself not to love or be loved because it was comfortable and so damn right. after high school i learned it even more. college taught me to question the system, question authority, and eventually strike out on my own in bitter resentment of the system that was supposed to educate me. then came a sudden wake up call to society. the logical side of me quickly realized that despite my contempt for people, being social got you a lot farther. sincerity was an option. today i remind myself of certain words that have always been a core part of me. the inherent understanding of a concept is interesting to say the least. the rational side of me says it is just a feeling, that there is no way a person would really know those feelings had society not defined them during a more impressionable stage. then i am reminded, "so it is with god". shame \'sham\ n. 1a: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety 2a: a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute even when i can't think of what it is, i still feel shame. ever present, just like before a vacation, the thought of 'what did i forget'. so it is to my shame. i can't begin to describe how i feel when i actually have something to feel shame over. the inherent feeling is disconcerting to say the least, downright depressing on any other given day. - a day passes, and i can't think of how to express my emotion and feeling into text. ironic, that i write for over five years, getting compliment on how well i can express feeling. yet this time i can not. my guilt runs deep and i know it. if not for my actions, but the mere fact that music is lost on my ears, food tasteless. i can't describe how much i love music, yet it all falls on near deaf ears. then... for a rare second, and only that, the music hits me. that original reason i liked it comes back to me. i break out in tears for the inherent beauty in the voice that consumes me. truth hits me.. and it doesn't take an hour to think why. it is that inherent beauty i associated with someone i thought loved me that strikes me. god, how i have fucked up. not only in my actions, but in making such gross errors in assumptions. i find myself turning the pages to the beat of sad and depressing songs, reminding myself of the true meaning of certain words. i never want them to be lost to me. their meaning a warm solace to my cold heart. perhaps.. the principle parts of the ruling passion that make me who i am. guilt \'gilt\ n. 1: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct 2a: the state of one who has committed an offense b: feelings of culpability culpable \kel-pe-bel\ adj 1: guilty, criminal 2: meriting condemnation or blame i sing along... "how can it feel...". i wish she knew. her voice and words almost come close to what i feel. earlier tonight, i walked onto the porch to feel the rare arizona rain. i stopped to listen to it, machine gun rythem of beats on the concrete. i felt it's side affect splatter onto my legs, and i felt so alone. i wish i could express how close the term 'alone' felt to me, so that you knew it was more than a word to me. "how can it feel.." she sings. fuck. i know. mea culpa \ma-e-kul-pa\ 1: a formal acknowledgment of personal fault or error and so goes my handle. its ironic that one person just today noticed that my login name was 'guilt'. she acted like it was new. no.. not at all. it fell on me weeks before the reason she thinks I took it for. guilt. hell yes, like you wouldn't believe. remorse \ri-mo(e)rs\ 1: a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs repent \ri-'pent\ 1: to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life 2a: to feel regret or what used to be a play on words for a side joke at work, my living being. day in and day out, for a year or more.. looking for that positive change in life. as i child, i would read the crooked framed pictures in my grandmother's hallway. old pictures from the family, the coat of arms, and one poem. weird, that i remember certain parts, the author and more, yet I can't track down the full text of this poem. "you are not in this world to live up to my expectations, and I am not in this world to live up to yours.. you are you, and i am i...." with guilt, comes a fundamental lack of feeling. i listen to music and hear dry words against dull background sound. what normally keeps me alive, is now whitenoise at best. i hate that feeling more than words can describe. contrition \ken-'trish-en\ : the state of being contrite contrite \'kan-,trit\ 1: grieving and penitent for sin or shortcoming how does one repay for one's internal conflict. if your mind sees your sins and can't resolve them, how do you repay. grieving for actions in the past, or actions lost in the prophecy of tomorrow. one day, i shall know resolution. =-= a recurring element of my life is the music i wrap myself in. people often wonder why, and it simply can't be answered in a few short words. i recently found myself on a long drive, enjoying the music. being wrapped up in it, i begin to wonder if that is where i get my heightened sense of guilt. brigid boden dreamt i saw you by my side, face was framed by candlelight held my hand against your heart, said we'd never part. can't you see, deep in me, music loud and strong, a change for me to set you free my love i must go on took my hand never let me stray all my fears you pushed away be with me was your last sigh now you're gone, oh how i cry shakespear's sister if this world is wearing thin and you're thinking of escape i'll go anywhere with you i'll do anything it takes but if you try to go alone don't think i'll understand do i have to go down on my knees? this is my 16th apology to you with friends like me who needs enemies portishead please couldn't you stay a while to share my grief, it's such a lovely day to have to always feel this way, and the time that i will suffer less, it's when i never have to wait after time the bitter taste, of innocence disintegrates, scattered seed, buried lives, histories of our disguise reborn, circumstance will decide oh, can't anybody see, we've got a war to fight, never find out way, regardless of what they say, how can it feel this wrong nine inch nails i am the hate you try to hide and i control you i take you where you want to go i give you all you need to know i drag you down i use you up my whole existence is flawed everyone i know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt i will let you down i will make you hurt tori amos Every finger in the room is pointing at me I wanna spit in their faces Then I get afraid what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now. I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets I've been raising up my hands Drive another nail in Why do we crucify ourselves Every day I crucify myself Nothing I do is good enough for you Crucify myself Every day I crucify myself And my HEART is sick of being in chains I gotta have my suffering So that I can have my cross ani difranco you put a tiny pin prick in my big red balloon and as i slowly start to exhale that's when you leave the room everything i do is judged and they mostly get it wrong but oh well 'cuz the bathroom mirror had not budged artificial joy club set me up then stomp me, you're sick & beautiful squeeze me like your lemon, then mix with alcohol shake me hard then down me, you're sick & beautiful switchblade symphony can you see me going down i am screaming out loud and the fear of god is in me now dissolve Weeks later I wonder why I listen to these words. Perhaps it is because of how beautiful the music that flows with these words is. Or maybe they play off each other to make it so appealing. Doesn't matter. As long as it feeds the emotions driving me onward in life. mea_culpa 05/28/98 ps: if you read this and are saying to yourself, "i know why he wrote this", think again. you don't know me. at all. read the date most of this was written on. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail majordomo@attrition.org with = = "subscribe fuck". 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