=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Disparity of the Soul --------------------- Did you ever step back to take a look at yourself and at times wonder who the hell you were? Who took over your body and controlled your actions? That you were not *you* anymore, and that you were not even sure who *you* even was? I don't know why, but I feel this way now. I am so overwhelmed by feeling and emotion, that I am encompassed within a whirlwind of thoughts that aren't even my thoughts. I don't feel like *me* anymore, that I have lost who I was intermingled with who I want to be. I feel like a completely other person altogether (I think my psychology teacher from high school called it hopeless, helpless and out of control- but that was also referring to the rage reduction in unbonded infants; however, it still describes how I feel at the moment). It is just of late that I haven't been able to converse with Rationale, Reason and even a little bit of Sanity. Instead I walk hand-in-hand in the company of Impulse, Immediacy, and Confusion. Insecurity has become my Best Friend. I feel like that stupid mime in the box, and the box is getting smaller and smaller, closing in, suffocating my creativity and crushing my spirit. I am levitating above my own clouded thoughts, clawing my way for an ounce of grounded stability. Aside from not being able to channel my thoughts, I feel that the things I believe in and are the most dear to me are the things I I am loosing the most. I have a sudden insane obsession for wanting to feel loved and needed to a degree that has caused me to become terrified of loosing it all- so much that I am fearful of the slightest thing that might make it so. I now live in constant fear of my appearance, my reactions and behaviors, my ability/inability to please, and my psychotisism pushing away the only person that I love. Rational or not, these thoughts linger in my mind and consume my being. And I wonder, where did all these thoughts come from? My mind is in a constant battle between Good and Evil; meaning that I know what I be thinking, what I be saying, and how I be reacting. Knowing that I have these means to ensure a victory, I am only saddened more from this elicit struggle that assesses, rationalizes and reasons, however, is still defeated by this *unknown* entity that has me under its grasp into which confusion controls and consumes me. It has turned me into a raging bitch, a needy child, and a sniveling faucet; this poetic despair that has been thrust upon me. As I said, I no longer feel like *me*, like I am incorporating emotion from others as well as intensify feelings on my own. I especially feel extremely attune to Anxiety being the most prevalent and the most stressful for me to embrace. I feel it, I know it, and yet, I cannot escape the emotion that I ascertain from feeling this way, and it is devouring my very soul. I always wonder why I am the way I am, yet in my heart of hearts, I already know the answer. Why am I difficult, why do I have jealous inclinations when nothing is directing me except my own thought. It all stems from my emotion; as quickly as it is my best asset, it becomes my worst enemy as well. As good/bad is it is/may seem, I cannot be born into one emotion without embracing another. If I was not moody, I would be without love and generosity; if I was not temperamental, I would not be kind; if I was not opinionated, I would not be honest and sincere, and if I did not have jealousy, I would not be able to give of myself entirely and completely. What it comes down to is that one part cannot be defined as who I "truly am" per se, but rather defined as a part of my whole, my entire complexity of existence. Call it hereditary, call it personality, I don't know. A human being cannot be described or defined as any certain way, or by any specific aspect. A person becomes a person because of their ability to change their mind, to treat each situation as specific and special as it is, and to change as to not repeat past mistakes and history. In essence, my attributes are my assets just as easily as they are my faults. Without its co-existence, I would not be me. I could not be me. It's sometimes much harder to prove to yourself what you are than to prove to the world what you're not. Knowing this, it only escalates the hopelessness that I feel and the intensification of the degree in which I am experiencing this. I know the complexity, I understand the emotion-filled person that I am; I just wish the animalistic nature of emotion would diminish to the caged creatures that I was once used to. Creation could not be labeled as such without the existence of tribulation, I just wish the tribulation would quickly come to an end soon. I long to feel complete and whole again. Simply, Spyder =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". 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