BTN: Birmingham Telecommunications News COPYRIGHT 1991 ISSN 1055-4548 July 1991 Volume 4, Issue 7 Table Of Contents ----------------- Article Title Author Policy Statement and Disclaimer................Staff Publisher's Corner.............................Mark Maisel Editorial: My Reflections of Alabamy..........Raymond Hugh Sid Meets Comdex...............................Sid Browning Reflections On A BTN Party.....................Eric Hunt My First BTN Party.............................Erica Sullivan Yet Another BTN Party Questionnaire............Colby Gibson The Adventures of R.G. Strangemind & Herbert...Jeremy Lewis Windows Review: BackMenu 2.2..................Eric Hunt Notes From The Trenches........................Dean Costello If Cavemen had Clubs, Why Don't We?............Bryan Taylor ProFile: Pete Mohney...........................Chris Mohney Special Interest Groups (SIGs).................Barry Bowden Known BBS Numbers..............................Staff ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer and Statement of Policy for BTN We at BTN try our best to assure the accuracy of articles and information in our publication. We assume no responsibility for damage due to errors, omissions, etc. The liability, if any for BTN, its editors and writers, for damages relating to any errors or omissions, etc., shall be limited to the cost of a one year subscription to BTN, even if BTN, its editors or writers have been advised of the likelihood of such damages occurring. With the conclusion of that nasty business, we can get on with our policy for publication and reproduction of BTN articles. We publish monthly with a deadline of the fifteenth of the month prior to publication. If you wish to submit an article, you may do so at any time but bear in mind the deadline if you wish for your work to appear in a particular issue. It is not our purpose to slander or otherwise harm a person or reputation and we accept no responsibility for the content of the articles prepared by our writers. Our writers own their work and it is protected by copyright. We allow reprinting of articles from BTN with only a few restrictions. The author may object to a reprint, in which case he will specify in the content of his article. Otherwise, please feel free to reproduce any article from BTN as long as the source, BTN, is specified, and as long as the author's name and the article's original title are retained. If you use one of our articles, please forward a copy of your publication to: Mark Maisel Editor, BTN 221 Chestnut St. BHM, AL 35210-3219 (205)-956-0176 We thank you for taking the time to read our offering and we hope that you like it. We also reserve the right to have a good time while doing all of this and not get too serious about it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- F R E E B I E : G E T I T W H I L E I T S H O T ! The following boards allow BTN to be downloaded freely, that is with no charge to any existing upload/download ratios. The Connection LZ Birmingham Alter-Ego Channel 8250 Little Kingdom Joker's Castle Crunchy Frog Myth Drannor Posys BBS The Matrix Abject Poverty The Bus The Outer Limits Bloom County The Round Table DC Info Exchange Radio Free Troad Programmers Shack Amiga Alliance ][ DataLynx Martyrdom Again?! If you are a sysop and you allow BTN to be downloaded freely, please let me know via EZNet so that I can post your board as a free BTN distributor. Thanks. MM ----------------------------------------------------------------------- N E W S F L A S H Crunchy Frog recently added a second node to accomodate the many weirdos who call it. As if that wasn't enough for Monty, the insane sysop, she purchased a second US Robotics Dual Standard modem for the line. She asked me to let you all know here so please let her know I've complied. The number for the second node is 956-0073. There will be something going on the weekend of July 20th-21st. I am not certain as to what as yet but it will be announced in EZNet if it comes to pass as a public event. There is a new service offer on The MATRIX these days. If you have any photos or have need of video scanning services, then you need look no further than The MATRIX Scanner. Details may be found in Conference 60 on The MATRIX. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Publisher's Corner by Mark Maisel The June party seemed a complete success. Many new folks and lots of old friends gathered 'round and had a grand time. Many thanks to Rocky for furnishing his house as the party site. City Stages was only a few blocks away and many shuttled back and forth between the party and the concerts. Unless some unforseen setback occurs, I will schedule the next party for sometime in August prior to the return of the kiddies to school. This issue has come together quite nicely. Chris was finally nailed down to produce a ProFile. Pat him on the head when next you see him. I remember a time when I had to really press to get post-party articles. You will see that this was definitely not the case, this time around. Maybe I should wait six months between parties more often. We have a supply of articles this time on the matter. We have a first timer's view of the Spring Comdex that you'll certainly find amusing, especially if you are or have been an attendee yourself. RayHugh, a New Yawk ByteBrother who seems to have taken a liking to Crunchy Frog, and Dixieland in general, has provided us with a brief accounting of his love for our part of the world. I talked Raymond into coming down to Comdex which he did. He liked the South so much that he is coming back for more in the middle of July. If you have any special comments you'd like to share with him, in regards to his article, let me know. The line forms to the left. Bryan Taylor presents a rather novel idea that I think you should consider, so look at what he has to say, and leave him a message about it in EZNet. Jeremy Lewis is still at it in his delightful serial. It has more plot twists than anything I've ever seen. I haven't the slightest idea how it is going to go from month to month. It is very curious and worthy of your attention. I've got my team of reviewers hard at it. Eric "Windows Are Wonderful" Hunt is full of excitement because of all the software becoming available for Windows. If you have an interest, he is definitely a good source of information. Dean is still with us, in text. I think this month is probably the best piece of work from him that I've ever seen. He has managed to emulate his idol without aping him. Good stuff! I really don't have much to say after all of that. I hope you enjoy the issue and that you'll feel compelled to write some articles of your own once you finish reading it. You people out there are what make BTN. I only collect and marginally edit the stuff. I have had some committments, some from afar, Sandy, and I am hoping to share new names and ideas with you all very soon. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial My Impressions of Alabamy by Raymond Hugh I was down in Atlanta with the Maisels at the end of May for Comdex. For those of you who don't know, I'm from New York, so when the Maisels invited me to visit, I figured, what the hell, I might as well see what Birmingham has to offer. Lemme tell you what I think of the experience: it was b o r i n g ! I knew I was in trouble when we hit the state line, and I started getting drowsy. There was something in the air that just would not let me stay awake. Maybe it had something to do with the endless road and the trees at the side of it. So, for the next hour and a half, all I saw was the back of my eyelids, green trees, overcast sky, the back of my eyelids, and nothing on the horizon. Oh, did I mention I saw the back of my eyelids? "Did you say something, Mark? Yeah, 'bama's a great pla...zzzzzz..." The only redeeming feature were the people I met while I was there. They were a motley crew, to say the least: Sarah, the endless flirt, who is definitely her mother's daughter Dirty Vicar, the wimp of a sub-sysop who catered to the whining during the Maisels' absence The Unknown Kamakazi Driver (sorry, I can't bring myself to give out this person's name, even though this person is not the Frog; you guys will have to fend for yourself) Hey, bub, I hope you get your license soon; I've got mine! The One-Eyed Cat and its evil twin And, of course, the Whippets OK, so the last two were not people. I had to throw them in since they added to the 'experience' of Alabamy. Oh, I almost forgot the other redeeming feature to Birmingham: I did not see any streets named Peachtree or Dunwoody! Thank heavens for small favors.. I tried my darnedest to become Mark's Bestest Buddy, but I knew I wouldn't be able to do it, since I don't live in the area. However, I gave it my best shot. I'm not sure how much I succeeded, though. I did come away with some software, though, which saves me the trouble of downloading the files. He even gave me a preview of the next victims of Blackmails 'R Us. I also succeeded in convincing Mark to come up to New York for a baby computer show. At least he was planning to come, until Kathy's car overheated in sympathy with her feelings about Bundy's doings in the Main Base. Sorry, Dean, I tried, but I doubt I'll be kicking you off the top of the Mark's Bestest Buddy mountain any time soon, and I don't think I'll be going to too many BTN parties. So what did I think of my trip to Alabamy? It's a New York wannabe town, with its very own replica of the Statue of Liberty. The drivers are damned impatient Southerners. I got first-hand experience with that when Mark was chaffeuring me around during Comdex. And they say New Yorkers are always in a hurry! Yeah, I think I'll have to come back down sometime to straighten you guys out. But change the air first, will ya? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Sid Meets Comdex by Sid Browning As the meeting wrapped up, my boss casually mentioned that he would not be see me the following morning because he was going to Comdex. One of our suppliers had given him some tickets and he needed to talk with several people who would be there. "Wow! Comdex? Really? That will be great! Put me on some mailing lists while you're there." He kind of studied me for a moment and said, "Would you like to go with me? I have an extra ticket." Pretending to be calm, I made a few remarks about the next day's busy agenda. An agenda we had just finished discussing and planning a few minutes earlier. "If you don't mind putting a one-day delay in the schedule, I could come along for the ride." So there I was in Atlanta on Thursday, the final day of Comdex. I had always read about the Comdex show, but never managed to attend one. It seemed as if the registration process was going to take forever. Actually it only took about 20 minutes, but that was 20 minutes that I could have put to better use by looking at the exhibits. At registration I was given one of those plastic cards, similar to a credit card, with my name and other information in raised letters. It seemed like a lot of trouble for name tags, but much better than the old standard, "Hello, my name is...." Following the crowd into the exhibition hall we prepared to be impressed with the size of the show, the incredible number of companies represented, how it would compare to a high-tech Mexican tourist market with vendors hawking their wares to cynical tourists. But we were quickly disappointed. It looked as if the whole show was only slightly bigger than the Birmingham Home show. Sure it was kind of large, but was this the Comdex I had read about? Oh well, at least it would be easy to see in the one day we had left. (Yeah, Right.) Getting through the doors was a hassle because idiots in the crowd all had to stop just inside the doorway to discuss something, effectively blocking entrance to those behind. Glaring at the idiots, and walking between them to show that they were blocking our way, we made it through the doorways. And then we immediately stopped to discuss the best strategy to seeing the show. People glared at us and walked between us. I don't remember the name of the first company we talked to, but the girl explained what they did in great detail. I wasn't really listening; I was more interested in getting her yo-yos. It seemed quite important at the time to have one of those free yo- yos, but I have no idea where the thing is now. It was a yo-yo made from recycled plastic with the company's name on the side. I'm alway's a sucker for free knick-knacks. After that, we decided to only go for the free knick-knacks if we could get them sans the free, long product explanation. Some of the exhibitors reminded me of those boring museum information systems where you walk up to an exhibit, push a button, and listen to a recorded explanation. Seriously, some of these people would not bother to ask if you had any interest in or use for there product whatsoever. They would just launch into a detailed explanation/sales pitch. We also discovered why we were given the plastic name card with raised letters. To be placed on a mailing list, you simply had to hand over your card and have it run through a credit card imprinter. What a great idea! It also made for a few jokes. "How do you want to pay for this?" "Here, put it on my Comdex Charge." The exhibitors never seemed as amused with that joke as I was. Oh well. I used the card to get on as many mailing lists as possible, and have received a lot of mail since the show as a result. Wall Data even sent me a demo copy of Rumba 400, which is a PC to Host connection for Windows. If I liked Windows, it would probably not be a bad way to connect to an IBM 3270. I also got a peek at the new 20Mb floppy drives. Once the price drops, those drives will be a great way for selectively backing up a hard drive. Some products seemed great. I was highly impressed with some of the graphic workstations. Others, such as the EAZY Black Box Company, had products to sell which were worth a quick look and examination at their booth, but I wouldn't spend real money on them. This firm had a text to speech device which could read marked blocks of text in an ASCII file. If you knew what it was reading already, you could almost understand the computer speech. Fun for a few minutes, but not long. The "most interesting T-Shirt" award would have to go to Berkeley systems. Unfortunately, the would only give them away for free if you gave them $11. The front of the shirts had toasters with wings flying past and the logo said, "51st flying toaster squadron." It was a graphic from one of their software products called "After Dark," a screen blanker designed to work with Windows. "Most useless product" award goes to GMT Automation. This firm makes plastic reference charts for popular software programs such as WordPerfect, Lotus and Dbase. The problem is that the charts would only help a user who is completely unfamiliar with the software. Its only help is in pointing out what the menus already show, without any explanation. The chart for WordPerfect, for example, has a block marked "help." The instructions therein tell the user to press "F3." I don't use that program and so I didn't know that was how you found help, but if I were to use WordPerfect I would know where to find help without consulting any charts or manuals. The company did give us some free samples of their charts though. Nearing lunch time, we had a problem. We had seen pretty much all of the booths, but we couldn't find Covox or WordPerfect. Covox is one of our suppliers and we needed to get some technical information on their new voice boards. WordPerfect was giving away some neat hats and I wanted one. We finally asked somone if they had seen Covox anywhere. He pulled out a very handy reference book, which we didn't have, and said they were in booth 1901. This was the first we had seen or heard of this Comdex reference book. Why didn't we have one too? We asked at an information booth for a book and they told us that we should have been given one at registration. We asked at the registration area and were told that no more books were available. More people were in attendance than the organizers expected so not enough books were printed. At least we had found the location of Covox, so we went searching for booth 1901. It was pretty easy to locate booths because the aisles were numbered and each booth had its number on the floor in front. Unfortunately, it appeared that the aisles weren't numbered below 2400. Aisle 1900 didn't exist. That was when we discovered the rest of Comdex. We had only found one exhibition hall. By locating the other exhibition hall, the size of Comdex effectively doubled for us, and became impossible to see in one day. One of the most interesting products I saw was from Covox, once we found them. Voicemaster Key is a board which retails for $150, and allows the user to set up a voice menu of commands. The demonstration consisted of a user saying "computer." The computer would respond in a voice similar to the Dominoe's Pizza Noid. The demonstrator would then say, "show more respect." And the computer would reply, in Spock's voice, "Yes captain." The user could ask the computer to bring up Lotus, and Lotus would appear. My boss kept making remarks about its limitations and misinterpretations. Then I noticed that the microphone headset looked exactly like one that I have. "Do we get those headsets from Covox?" I asked him. He looked at me like I was a fool and said, "Yeah. One comes with each Voicemaster Key. Watch what he's typing and you'll recognize some of the commands." How was I to know that one of those things was buried inside our systems? We don't use it for the purpose for which its designed, so I assumed it was a different product. We eventually managed to get hats from WordPerfect also. They would only give away hats to people who sat through a seminar, which isn't how we wanted to spend our time. After the show closed, they did have a few extras and were willing to part with them. How can Comdex be done better? I would suggest spending more than one day. Without attending the first conference, the show could easily take two days of your time. Also, find a show book upon arrival. It helps to know where you are in relation to everything. We did find that same information in the Comdex newspaper, of which we had copies. But that was one of those things that we stuffed into a bag to examine later. Parking costs $1 more on the street than valet parking next door, not counting the valet's tip. The valets seem to get stressed if you ask them to bring your car around, then you throw a bunch of brochures and stuff into the car and tell them to put it away again. So who wants to go next year? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Reflections on a BTN party by Eric Hunt School's out, summer's here, what a better time to have a BTN party? The inaugural party of summer 1991 was a definite hit with all who attended. Trouble is, I didn't know HALF of the people that DID attend. Man, give people some advance notice, and they start coming out of the woodwork. Rocky's house on Southside was a virtual beehive of conversation and good fun until a rumored 5:30a.m. City Stages only added to the atmosphere, what with people coming and going to the event all during the night. Attendees were too numerous to count, but Colby Gibson had 50 questionaires, and ran out of them, so take that as an indication. Most noteable of noteables was the en-masse arrival of the Sullivans: Wessley, Patsy, Erica, and Shane. They all came a-walkin' down the street as a nice family unit. (alas, NOT singing doo-wa-ditty-ditty-dum-ditty-do) The Sullivan's were in and out during the night, attending City Stages as well. Another noteable, yet not noteable was the perennial attendance of Kevin Buchan, from Atlanta. Kevin converses regularly with many Birminghamians in the Metronet NetChat conference over on Channel 8250. Some other new faces, including the Deermans, and some guy who's only been here a week from Mobile. An interesting crowd. Events taking place varied from the hum drum to the insanely bizzare. The Matrix room was a virtual beehive of activity all night. Fortunately, it kept most of the pre-pubescent munchkins happily occupied most of the time. There were three other computers in the room, besides the 7 computers that comprise The Matrix, and all three were being used as game machines. Ricky Eanes was gang-chatted with, and Tom even got to lock a user out or two. (Really!) On the more unusual front, Richard Foshee was spotted embracing Maggie, although the motive has yet to be determined. On the REALLY unusual front was the drink of the evening! What some likened to Windex, others called the Tidybowl Man mix from hell. (I personally thought it was another communist plot from the Smurfs, but, hey, I don't drink). Whatever it was called, it was sure strange. Rumour had it that it would clean any sinuses PERMANENTLY if inhaled too deeply. Still, there were quite a few imbibing this noxious looking blue substance. To each his own, I suppose. Another event that bears mention was the opressing heat during the start of the party. Poor Rocky's house wasn't used to having that many people in it, and before the night cooled things off, it was DAMN hot for a while. The porch was a seat of activity during this time, as it was the only place where one could escape the heat. And speaking of the porch, it was touch and go with the railing on one side, and I wasn't too sure of the entire shebang, even though Rocky kept assuring us that it was very stable. The sheer # of people resting upon the porch and it's associated railings had me worried. Omega was disappointed. Someone stole Rocky's CD player, so many of the dance tunes that Mark brought were unplayable. Still, 90's style disco COULD be heard, and I even witnessed Mark dance for us. On another front, Maggie was her usual charming self, and she had Lurch on her coattails most of the night to prove it. Lurch was a definite hit with many of the ladies that night, if only for his sense of mystery. He's doing SOMETHING right. Jet Thomas also graced us with his presence, and not soon after seeing Jet, I spotted the bagful of sickly sweet Brach's candies. Unfortunately, I have *yet* to see Jet bouncing off the ceilings, as has been alleged several times. The Pasty Slug did the Maisels a favor and kidnapped Sarah off to City Stages for a greater part of the evening. And Tyros was very fashionable, sporting a full three-year collection of the City Stages buttons. He was quite a hit at the actual event, from what I hear. And finally, there was a poor insurance salesman (sorry, I've already lost your card) that really needed DOS classes bad. I hope Kathy and I got you started on SOME kind of foot, you did have me worried there for a while (I almost think he's one of those people who stick everything in the root, although I'm not entirely sure) Sysops, Sysops, Sysops everywhere! There were quite a few in attendance, which always makes for an interesting get together. Let's see. Randy Hilliard, Monty (Kathy Maisel), Rocky (the gracious host for the evening), Tom Egan (The evening's evil Nazi), Maggie and Lee, Ricky Morgan and his sidekick Joe Kearley, Kelly Rosato, Mark Kieskowski (sorry, Mark), Richard Foshee, and several others whose names I cannot remember right now. It was a good thing if you were nice and sweet to these people, they have wonderful memories of nights like this and brown-nosing users like yourselves. It is nice, though, to be able to pick on your favorite sysop (Right, Maggie? [wink]) Most of the abovementioned people had significant others in tow, which tends to REALLY liven things up. Well, as for my report on this party, it seems over. I apologize to all of you out-of-towners who might be reading this (In Scotland, perhaps?) and not have the faintest idea in hell what I'm babbling about. It's one of those "You should've been there" things. [Hint, hint, Shafer and Rayhue] All I can say is, until the madness begins again! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- My First BTN Party by Erica Sullivan Well, to begin with we got lost several times. Then, we had to talk Patsy into going to the party. She was refusing to go to the party. After several minutes of "discussion", she decided to go to the party. Actually, the only reason she decided to go to the party was her wonderful ability to get lost. If she would have dropped us off, we would still be sitting on Rocky's step waiting for her. After we found the right house and persuaded mom to get out of the car, we had the difficult job of walking up to the house. Espically since we still were not real sure if this ws the right house. So, we walked up the stairs. Wessley introduced himself and us and asked if it was the BTN party. It was(Look of relief on my face). Several people introduced themselves. Immediately Colby Gibson stood up and introduced himself. (Now that I have met Colby, I don't understand why people give him a hard time. He's really very helpful and friendly). By this time lots of people had started arriving and I had gotten over being shy and scared and I started being my normal self. It was kinda weird, but lots of fun. Even though people tell you not to, you still try to figure out what this person or that person is going to be like once you meet them face to face. At first I was pretty nervous, but after a few minutes everything was running smooth, until we had to leave. By that time, Patsy actually wanted to stay. Remember this was the same person who didn't want to come in the first place. I guess she had so much fun almost making Henry Barfoot fall of the porch. Henry, you really need to watch out for those porches more often. We had to leave, but we came back a little while later. I was driving, but for some unknown reason, I listened to Patsy who managed to get us lost. BUt we did manage to make it back the second time. As I said before there were some interesting people there and then there were some really weird people there. I got to meet a lot of the people that I leave messages to. I finally got to meet Monk. I got to meet EZNET's very own goddesses. Even though, Maggie said that we look alike, we forgave her. Patsy started to act weird. She would be talking to people and then just up and walk off. It wasn't anything personal, she just started feeling bad. Rocky showed us The Matrix and we got to see how it works. I got to meet Bentley, who wrote Esterian Conquest. And I even got to meet people I had never even heard of before. It was fun and definetly an interesting experience. Thanks Mark and Rocky for making it possible. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Yet Another BTN Party Questionnaire by Colby Gibson Another BTN party has come and gone. Saturday night, June 15, these questionnaires were going around the Rawlins house, being filled out, eaten, and used for coasters. I amassed 28 replies and here are the results. I'll post the best 5-6 replies, plus some criticism, comments, etc. (Of course, not saying that there weren't some turned in that I couldn't read. You people were DRUNK.) 1) Write in your name(s) below. A) Mark Kieskowski (* A truthful one! Alright! *) B) Your name(s) below. (* Smart ass *) C) God, no. Then I could be implicated. (* Sure you would. We know. *) D) Kevin Buchan (Can you read this? I'm on beer #5) E) No. (* Hey, thanks! *) 2) How did you get here and what type of transport was involved? A) My Wheelchair (* So THAT's what that thing in the hall was! *) B) An Ambulance (8 Well, I thought that was for carrying people OUT, not in... *) C) I flew, and boy are my arms tired! (* That's who brought the blue stuff! No wonder.... *) D) Your parents didn't explain that to you? (* A technical type, huh!? *) E) Various bits and pieces of me have been arriving over a period of several weeks. (* Obviously you're not whole, because there was SOMETHING on the kitchen table that defied description! *) F) I Teleported. (* We HAD to have one of those. *) 3) Why did you decide to get off your butt and come? A) Well, the batteries in my vibrator ran out, so I said what the hell! (* And we know what you did to Foshee, too. *) B) My butt doesn't get off, but other various parts of my anatomy do. (* You people are just plain WEIRD. That's all I have to say. *) C) I live here. (* Michael Rawlins, no doubt. *) D) The remote control was too far out of reach. (* Really? Are you sure Foshee didn't have it? *) E) Good reason to get drunk. (* HEY! THEY TOLD THE TRUTH! *) F) Me smell party. (* The only thing at Rocky's house that smelled really bad was the excess of those tacos that someone was stupid enough to leave lying there. I wasted no time with them..... *) 4) What alcoholic items did you bring, if any? If not, ingested any? A) Canadian Mist. (* We know who THIS is... *) B) Rubbing alcohol and the fluid in my wipers that is part methanol. (* Don't you know that methanol is bad for you? *) C) Long Island Tea. I drank blue shit. (* I was never able to sample that blue stuff that was in the tea jar. Anyone know what it was? *) D) 2 qts rubbing alcohol. (* Hmmm, THAT'S what the bad smell was.. *) E) 3 bottles of lighter fluid. (* I'm just glad nobody got their lighter near that stuff... *) F) None. Presently getting off on homemade brew. (* How many of you people make this stuff, anyway? *) G) Blue. (* At least I know now made that blue liquid. *) 5) In your opinion, how many ounces of alcohol will Mark Keiskowski gulp down this evening? Will he start to dance? A) I don't think he's here yet. Maybe he'll dance if Dean Costello shows up. (* Dean didn't show up, as far as I know, and he didn't dance that I saw. *) B) Omega is an endless pit. I cannot imagine what he will ingest. (* I ain't gonna comment. *) C) He doesn't gulp-he slurps. (* Mark??? *) D) 47 x 10^73 (* That's a LOT of vodka! *) E) Who? (* I KNEW that there would be one.... *) F) As much as I want and probably not. You spelled it wrong, Asshole! "Kieskowski"! (* I'm glad that Mark cared to turn in one. *) 6) Is Ricky Eanes Here?, If so, Has he said anything to you? Has anyone moved to break his fingers? A) I'll break his fingers if he comes. (* Ouch! *) B) I haven't seen him but there is a foul smell in the air and the sheep are nervous. (* Ricky!?!? *) C) Who? (* Surprising, I thought EVERYONE had heard of Ricky Eanes. *) D) Yeah, he was just here. I had him in my pocket a second ago.... Where did he go? (* Ricky? A prisoner? Appealing... *) E) Who gives a damn about Ricky any more? (* I dunno, I just wrote the question.... *) F) Ricky is busy handing out questionnaires with bandaged fingers. (* Kieskowski must have gotten to him. Eric, you didn't hold him? *) By the way, Ricky, we successfully faxed Eric Hunt to the Phil's Food Mart in Irondale that night. 7) Were you frisked at the door? A) Once by force, the rest felt good. (* I wonder who did the frisking.. *) B) Yeah, it was okay but the lines are so damned long that it probably won't wind through again. C) Yes. Got a cigarette? (* Sorry, I don't smoke... *) D) Yes, I cherish the memory! Richard! Oh, yes!! E) No, but Richard felt me up. (* Richard is big news lately! *) F) Thank God Foshee was somewhere else. 8) Has Tom Egan caught you with "The Camera"? If so, how much will you be willing to pay for us to not scan the picture? A) Not with the camera, but with his wife.... (* Tom?... *) B) He didn't have a camera, but he offered me a moustache ride instead. (* Sounds like some of you had a fun night. *) C) The question is: How much will I pay to GET scanned? D) No. Scan me at your own risk. E) So far, Tom has only caught me with one button undone. Wait 'til a few drinks and a few buttons into the evening. 9) How many people are in the MATRIX room? A) More than the fire marshall would like... (* Hang on while I go call 'em! *) B) How many people can wear your underwear? (* It depends. How many people would LIKE to wear my underwear? *) C) 100,000 or so. (* I dunno if the floor was THAT structurally sound. *) ~~~~ D) None. Amazing! (* Also impossible, if you ask me. *) E) 17 1/2 (* I KNEW I shouldn't have left that knife in there! *) 10) How many beers has Maisel had? A) He has only nursed one beer that I've seen. And two small kittens. (* Meow! *) B) Don't know. He puked in my can. (* Didn't think that Maisel could drink THAT much. *) C) 47 x 10^73 (* That's a lotta Bud, dude! *) D) They had to drive to Atlanta to get more. He drank all of the beer in Birmingham. E) Enough so that Kathy can have her way with him and he'll never know. (* Mark? Kathy?? *) 11) Why the hell are you answering this thing, anyway? A) None of your damn business. (* Hey, thanks! *) B) Because it was rudely shoved in my face all evening. C) Colby is holding a gun to my head. (* Loaded 9mm, too. *) D) I was asked nicely. (* Direct contrast to "B" *) E) Because I wouldn't want to upset Gibson. (* You wouldn't, trust me! *) F) Me Bobo, me stupid. (* To answer this thing, you had to be at least a BIT stupid. *) 12) If you could spend a fortnight upon the person of any woman/man in existance, who would it be? A) Hey man! Only lady liberty would be big enough and it wouldn't be safe sex. B) Erica Sullivan. (* Erica?? *) C) Richard Foshee! Whatta Stud! NOT! D) Maggie Harden, Chris Hilliard, Gail Bagen, Astrid Morgan. (* No comment *) E) I'm hot for the Maytag Man. (* That old guy? NO WAY! *) F) Kitty Kat. (* Rocky, lock up the cat! *) 13) Go up to Richard Foshee and stick your tongue in his ear. What was his response? A) "What? YOU AGAIN?" (* Are you implying something? *) B) I did, and I can no longer crap right any more. C) Not on your life! Besides, he doesn't want any women to do that, anyway. (* What came of that railroad tie nail? *) D) He grabbed me on the left buttock. (* Not gonna say it. *) E) You're cracked, Colby. (* You know it! *) F) "Meet me in the backyard in 5 min." (* So THAT's why the grass grows that way *) 14) Is the Episkopos R.J. Gumby here? If so, what title(s) has he offered you? A) Who knows? He just flashes into being.... B) Yes. Pope Archbishop Bobo, Chaser of Pigeons, Plunger of Lakes. (* Do Huron for me, okay? *) C) Only in spirit. D) Yes. President of the Universe. (* SURE he did. *) E) I don't know. My twit filter is operational at BTN parties. 15) How many cigarettes have you smoked this evening? A) Packs or just individually? B) 3,745. (* Man, this guy is gonna DIE. *) C) What kind of cigarettes? D) None. I only carry cigarettes if I know a beautiful babe smokes. (* "You're both sick, then." quoteth Ricky Eanes. *) E) Passively: 122,678. F) None. I ate 36. 16) What time did you arrive, and what time do you plan to leave? This was a terrible question. People actually put down the time that they were going to leave. Poor souls. A) I hid in the basement since 4:30 AM. (* Is that why the cat was acting that way? *) B) Not long ago and maybe soon. After all, I haven't seen too many laser lightshows, right? (* AHA! A City Stages freak!! Kill 'em! *) C) That's a stupid question. Think of something else. D) Now, then. (* SARCASTICNESS AT ITS BEST!!! NOT! *) E) 7pm-5am-Denny's Run. 17) Is there any software pirating going on in the MATRIX room? If so, were you involved, and may we call the FBI? A) I don't know, but call them anyway. Those guys have a good party. (* With handcuffs, of course. *) B) What are you talking about? Pirating is illegal! C) Er... Could be. (* COULD BE? Beep, boop, bip. *) D) I never download, so I wouldn't know. E) Yes, and I won't be responsible if you do. F) PIRATES!? Hide the women and children! No, I didn't see any schooners. 18) Go up to Mark Kieskowski and tap him in the forehead. Did he fall down? This was a good one. Many people actually proceeded up to Mark and tapped him in the face. He didn't fall down, at least that I saw. A) Touch me and die. (* Don't worry, Mark. We'll leave that for Foshee. *) B) No. He fell up. (* That's where the ceiling got cracked! *) C) He just got here. He was already on the ground. Kicking him DID elicit a groan. (* I shoulda tried that! *) D) No, but he offered to stick his tongue in my ear. E) Who? (* I always thought Omega was big news! No pun intended. *) 19) What exactly is GIFLITE, and how should it be treated? A) Peanut butter with half the calories, roughly. B) A program that does exactly what JPEG does, but because it seems not to, Omega Ohm likes it. C) A horrible program by someone who wanted to make something everyone would think is from Phil Katz. (* I can see it now. PKGIF. *) D) Quartz halogen bulb to be installed in monitors prior to viewing GIFs. (* I get it! *) E) A new drink. « the calories that water has! (* Half of none! A new record! *) 20) How many GIFs do you download on a daily basis and what exactly do you use them for? A) I d/l 10 a day and beat off at them. Oooh! (* That doesn't surprise me. *) B) I don't download peanut butter. C) For getting out tough stains. D) I don't download. I have my computer on the same network as The MATRIX. (* Hmmm. Maybe I should patch my system into The MATRIX. *) E) I don't believe in GIFs ever since I found out it was pronounced JIFs. 21) How many times has The MATRIX been down this month? A) Hasn't visited me once. B) 2 times on Node 6. (* Listening, Rocky? *) C) You mean it's up now? D) û-1 (* I give up. Why? Why Euler's number? WHY? *) E) I hasn't gone down on me! I'd know. F) ì (* Okay. Infinity is a little much. *) 22) If you could have your life made into a movie, who would play your part? A) Richard Geer. (* It's spelled "Gere", idiot! *) B) Goofy. (* At least THEY were honest about it. *) C) Gene Wilder. (* That guy? NO WAY! *) D) Captain Caveman. (* HIM? *) E) Emmanuel Lewis. (* Not! *) F) TIMMY! 23) Do you plan on eating any floppy disks in the near future, and, if so, what condiments would you use? A) Latex on sheepskin. (* Yuck. *) B) I only like SyQuest cartridges, Peon! No taste! C) Salt and Mustard. (* Salt for the boot sector, no doubt. *) D) Cheese dip. (* The perfect remedy for F.A.T. tables. *) E) Can't afford to waste them. (* I agree! *) F) Yeah. 3«'s with mustard. 24) If you were to win $1,000,000 dollars, how would you spend it? A) I'd LAN the city. (* That's an awful lot of cords and workstations, you know. *) B) VAX and the biggest HD availiable. (* Infinite storage capacity. *) C) Set up a different house for each of my gentlemen. D) Too late. I already talked to Ed. E) Donate to BTN. (* ALRIGHT!! WE'RE IN THE MONEY! *) F) Unwisely. (* As would many of us, I'm sure. *) 25) Comments? Suggestions? Give me hell? A) Bugger off. B) You suck. (* Thanks, my good man! *) C) Why no good trees to eat? (* What? Say that again? *) D) Not enough truly sleazy questions. E) What a great party. Why should I give you something that you already have and live with daily? F) If I see another goddamned questionnaire, I'm gonna scream. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Adventures of R.G. Strangemind and Herbert by Jeremy Lewis Copyright 1991 by Jeremy Lewis no reprints without the permission of the author Chapter V Emperor Splort was on the rampage. In only three minutes he proceeded to destroy the entire contents of the royal bedroom not to mention a very lovely antique table that his great grandfather had made by hand. In other words, it was not very intelligent of the youngest council member to disturb him. Furthermore it had probably been the most idiotic move that the late counselor had ever made. The counselor realized this as his' head sailed off his shoulders and out the window. The other counselors decided that they would postpone any further talks with the Emperor until he was in a better humor or as Emperor Splat III once said, "They ran like hell." Emperor Splort grabbed an axe from a recently demolished trunk and began swinging at the fleeing Counselors. A few of the counselors made it through the door before he could position himself in front of it, but a great many of them leapt for the only other exit...the windows. In fact, it was the sight of all his council running about his bedroom and leaping out windows that finally began to calm the Emperor down. It was then that Emperor Splort for the first time in two days began to smile. He patted the axe in his hand with a dark gleam in his eye. "I'll get you Slob! You may have gotten away with bungles before, but this time. This time we've got you!" Meanwhile back in the large gray spaceship, at about the same time Emperor Slob began his rampage, a klaxon began to sound. A pleasant but artificial male voice was heard throughout the ship. "Slob, I really must have your help on the bridge. I can't fly the ship all the time without a human instruction. Oh yes...Emperor Splort has issued a reward for anyone who can capture you, although the reward is greater for bringing back your lifeless body. Thank you." Slob stared at the intercom in disbelief and then looked at Herbert, who was still stuck in the wall. Disbelief turned to glee as Slob formed a plan. While all this was going on, R.G.'s body had been coming closer and closer to the ship's powers. It had almost turned once or twice, but as if it were guided by some mystic sense of destiny, it continued to head straight along the corridor, to itself ultimate demise. As it run along the corridor the scenery began to change. The beautiful white walls were now red and bore large warning labels which had R.G. been inhabiting it he would've recognized as an odd form of english. It was as R.G, was inspecting a strange machine, which seemed to do nothing more than sing odd folk songs about toasters, that R.G. felt a presence. "Hello?" said R.G. "Greetings," responded a pleasant but artificial voice," existing on both the astral and physical plane has allowed me to detect your presence." "Amazing!" whispered R.G. "Who? What? are you?" "I am the ship computer. I hope you enjoy your stay on this ship and your body is heading towards certain death in the ship's powercore. Thank you." R.G. desperately began searching for the ship's powercore. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Windows 3.0 review: BackMenu 2.2 by Eric Hunt This month's Windows 3.0 shareware review covers one of my all-time favorite programs! BackMenu 2.2 is a utility that everyone should get, and get it NOW, for BackMenu gives users of Microsoft Windows a GUI feature that XWindows users on UNIX workstations have had all along with mwm, and that's a root menu. (mwm is the window manager in many XWindow terminals) In XWindow parlance, your desktop is called the root, so BackMenu is a desktop menu for Windows. What it gives you is the power to have a completely customizable menu of applications and actions to immediately hotkey to with the click of a mouse button on the desktop. BackMenu's most powerful feature is the ability to nest menus within menus, until eventually the computer runs out of memory! While most people wouldn't go that far, it is nice to click on the desktop and have a menu come up that says has Graphics, WordProcessing, Telecommunications, Icon Management, etc on it, with the individual applications falling under those logical menus. BackMenu is extremely customizable, and this is another one of it's high points. You can tell it that a right button click should activate the menu, the left button, or even the center button. You can also add horizontal bars to the menu, to separate the items into groups. Another excellent ability BackMenu has is the ability to read the current program manager groups, and place each of them in a menu, with all of the applications contained within available for immediate launching! This makes it VERY easy to run a program that you have installed in Progman, but don't have a custom entry for it in BackMenu. There are also other internal action items that can be placed in the menu, such as launching a program from a command line, unloading BackMenu from memory, and a fast exit from Windows. The only aspect of BackMenu which could use improvement is the actual way that you customize the menu! It is necessary to import the menu definition file into an ASCII editor and make changes that way. There is a syntax, not unlike a language, and it must be followed to the letter. This might be beyond the capabilities of the casual Windows user, and it would definately turn some users off on the program. An object oriented menu-editing program is one solution, a program that you could edit the menu structure graphically, and have the program generate the menu definition textfile. Champagne wishes and caviar dreams......... BackMenu is an extremely helpful utility for the Windows 3.0 environment. It has the ability to put more of your programs closer to you, without the need to drag up Progman. I would recommend it as a necessary component of any good Windows 3.0 utility collection. BackMenu 2.2 is written by a chap from England, and he is charging 20 British pounds for the program. This is extremely expensive, in my opinion, as that translates to very close to $40, US. I have sent the man mail repeatedly, on both CompuServe and the Internet, asking for the American price. If I don't get a response soon, BackMenu will have to be placed in the "neat, but I really can't use it" category. I hope I hear from him, and get to keep it in my utilities directory for good! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Notes from the Trenches by Dean Costello This Month: "Tales of the Swine Family" There's not much time to tell this story. The sun will come up in two hours, and I want to be gone by then. But it will not be easy. I have a whole roomful of weight to move out of this bedroom by dawn, and as always, there is no one around to help. One friend could make a big difference now, but its 4 o'clock in the morning, and all decent people are in bed. So much for friends. I am sitting in a bedroom on the edge of a mountain in, amazingly enough, Mountain Brook. The upstairs room to the right in the back of the Mohney house to be precise. There is a quiet florescent glow coming from the downstairs kitchen that can be just seen from where I sit. That florescent light is the brightest thing in my universe right now, it lights up much of the downstairs in the dark, predawn hours, where Mrs. Mohney will be leaving for work in a couple of hours. There are a bunch of cars parked outside, either in or next to the garage. A Cavalier, some kind of mutated Pontiac 6000 station wagon, and a red Fiero. My own car, an '86 golden Fiero, is about 75 feet away from the terminal that I am using. And I know that the gas tank is full. I filled it up last night at about 9:30pm. The woman running the Amoco asked me where I was going. I mumbled something about going to Cuba. The woman laughed; but I didn't. I went back to making sure that the car was ready to go. Top off the gas tank, make sure the oil is okay, check the transmission fluid. Give the car whatever it needs. Or whatever it wants, for that matter. For when you are out on the interstate, that car is going to be your best friend in the entire world. Cuba is only 290 miles away, but I have the feeling that I am going to be able to make it to Havana much easier than even ten miles from this nightmarish situation that I have gotten myself into at this place. The Mohney's house is a haven, of sorts, they say. Just a nice place to stay when one decides to wander down to Birmingham and get serious about hanging around. Which is true, as far as it goes. This is a nice place. Nice wooden deck out back, rooms all over the place with no one in them, quivers of Food and Drink downstairs, and unlimited access to a computer terminal. A fairly self-contained community away from the storms of the outside world. And it is worth the better part of a million dollars. The owner is Paul Mohney, an executive at IBM, who is looking around for property out in the sticks to retire to. He seems to be a fairly important member of Mountain Brook, where there is basically no law at all that can't be broken, or bought, or at least casually ignored by the right people. I am a guest at Paul Mohney's house, granted this by his son Chris when I was forced to come to Birmingham for legal reasons. From the foot of the stairs, I can see the doorway to his room, about 20 yards away from me across the television room and kitchen. And I know he is sleeping heavily on a king-sized bed with his wife, a fine and friendly woman about 55 years old. She has been asleep since midnight, and she will wake up early to get to BMC Montclair. Paul will wake up later, or at least he would on most days. But on this one, I suspect, he will be an early riser. It could happen at any moment, in fact. And I want to get this story down quick, and be out of this place by dawn, because ugly things are about to happen. There's a huge pig's head in Paul Mohney's toilet tonight. I put it there about 3 hours ago, just before he came up from the downstairs. The snout is poking straight out and up from the family toilet, and the pig's lips are glistening with ruby red lipstick, and its eyes are propped open. The toilet bowl is filled with red commerical ketchup. The first time anyone in that house goes into the bathroom and turns the light on, I'm going to have to be very alert. We will have SERIOUS action: hysteria, wild rage. You know, I've seen a lot of hideous things in my time, but the sight of this erie white pig's head in the white toilet bowl, with its mouth covered with lipstick and its dead grey eyes looking straight up at me, or at anyone else that comes near that toilet, will live in my memory forever as one of the most genuinely hideous things I have ever seen. The idea of waking up in the middle of the night half drunk and wandering into your own bathroom and pissing distractedly into your own toilet, and realizing, after not many seconds, that there is something basically wrong with the noise that normally happens when you piss into a bowl of water in the middle of the night. And feeling the splash of warm urine on your knee because its bouncing off the lipstick-smeared snout of a dead pig's head that is clogging up your toilet; that is a bad thing to see when you are not at the top of your facilities. And Paul will see it soon. He should have seen it a long time ago, in fact, but tonight he broke his normal routine of relieving himself before falling into bed. At that point, the joke went out of control. I thought, "What have I done?" What if his wife wakes up first, which she almost is certain to do. Or Chris, the 20-year old son that invited me to stay. I wasn't counting on this. My plan had turned weird on me, and now I will have to flee. The thing is so ugly that I almost got sick putting the lipstick on it. Now, we all enjoy humor, but this is very far over the line. We're not talking about jokes here, we're talking about crazy ugly; real malice, terrible shock and weeping for a 55-year old lady or a 20-year old man-boy; people screaming out of control at a sight too vile to see. Innocent people, crawling out of the bathroom on their knees, and calling wildly for help from the father. And that evil bastard is going to be jerked out of his sleep by the terrified screams of his loved ones. And when that happens, he is going to turn crazy and want to kill someone or have others do it. And they'll come to the right bedroom in the back. My room is the only one with lights on tonight, I'm still up. I will be on the road very soon; I have a friend up the road in Atlanta that will take me in for a while. Jesus! I just looked to my left, and I saw the curtains moving. My sliding glass door is wide open, and he could jump me at any moment. That's why I have this big grey flashlight sitting next to me on the desk. It's a fully charged Taser, a savage little tool fully capable of delivering a 50,000 volt WHACK to anyone that comes within 18 feet. And I've got the bugger primed. WHAPPO, 50,000 volts, flapping around like a fish, eyes rolling back in his head, screeching helplessly, and then taking another shock. The Taser will deliver five seperate and distinctly massive jolts once the barbs are fired into the victim. You can keep the buggers jumping around at the end of the little wire lines for almost an hour if the machine is fully charged. I don't want to have to do it. The Taser is a felony crime in some states, and I'm not sure what it is now in Alabama, but I know that anyone that comes through my door at this hour of the morning does not have good news for me, and they'll have to be shot with something. I am not a violent person, but I know that there is a time and place for everything, and unfortunately, this is one of those times. I sawed the head off the pig around midnight. Paul had it stored in a meat locker, planning to marinate it for a big barbecue he has planned for tonight, with the head as the main piece of art. I chopped it off with a meat saw in about 45 seconds, and it took about 45 more to put the lipstick on. The tube broke, so I had to do it by hand, rubbing a lump of red lipstick around the dead thing's gums like I was waxing up some sort of dummy. And then the head wouldn't sit right in the bowl, so I had to jerk it up by the ears, and jam it back in a proper position. I also had to prop the eyes open, so they'd by looking straight up at him. All this took about 90 more seconds; sneaking into his room, and putting the pig's head in his toilet. Okay, the joke's over now. I have to flee. It's 6:25 on a wet Monday morning, and I know that someone will be using the bathroom very soon. The time has come. I don't want to be around when it happens, despite a pressing deadline that will cost me a lot of money to miss. The bastard will not take this lightly. Besides, I owe them money for the food and drink I have consummed since I have been here. Indeed, I am preparing to flee even now. I told him that that pig was going to be very expensive. He and Chris put it into my bed the other night, tied up and drugged, and half-hidden under the covers so that I sat down on the bed right next to the beast, and began talking serious to my accountant who was not amused when the thing suddenly began moving and I said, "Ahh, I'll have to call you back, there's a pig in my bed." Which was true. I calmed the beast down with a billy club, and dragged it downstairs where I set it loose in the kitchen. People screamed and cursed me and ran around like rats while I chopped the loose. One of the sons cornered it and dragged it out to a shed where they slits its throat the next day and hung it up to bleed, then they put it into the meat locker to cool off. Now, the moral of the story is never let strangers get their hands on the key to your meat locker. Also, get out while you can. Which I will have to do now. Immediately. The fat is in the fire. Epilogue: Chris found it when he woke up to go to school. His mother heard him screaming on his way out of the house, and then she saw it. "Ye Gods!" she thought. What's he thrown up now? "I ate 3 or 4 Valium," she said, "And then I called Pete to take the thing away. It was three and a half hours before we could use the toilet. Paul didn't wake up until noon, and by the time he went to the toilet, the head was lying in the bathtub." And I was gone. But I'm back now, standing around in the kitchen, and people are a lot nicer to me. I buy liters of Chivas Regal. And I may be here for a while. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- If Cavemen had Clubs, Why Don't We? by Bryan Taylor Since I've been involved in Birmingham's BBSing family, there have been many people whose names have shown up on almost any board I call. And if there's a popular name I don't see on a board, I'll always hear it from someone else! One of these people, for instance, is Mark Maisel, our esteemed editor. (If you can honestly say that you haven't seen Mark's name on more than one board, then we know that you're probably one of those losers whose name WE don't see on more than one board). Other people like Mark stand out in my mind because they contribute a great deal to the BBSing society (that is, excluding the people who stand out because everybody hates them). You know the great contributers: the BBSers who host parties, who write articles for BTN (ahem...), or who revive the dead message areas with a spark of improved conversation. We know these people's names because their name is written for us to see: on the beautiful BTN party maps, atop articles, and in the headings of messages. But what about the contributers who aren't great writers in the message areas, like the BBS users who do all the uploading? What about the subscribers who send money to help a sysop maintain his or her board? I could go on and on, but I guess it's about time for a point. I'd like to recognize ALL those users who contribute to Birmingham's bulletin boards, and I'm sure a lot of sysops out there might feel the same. What would a BBS be without users who get message areas going strong and file directories filled up? So finally, my point: I'd like to organize an inter-BBS club exclusively for those users who contribute a great deal to the boards. That includes all subscribers automatically; there's no greater contribution then MONEY!! (Just kidding, I guess). Then other users may gain membership by being recognized as one who does indeed make a good deal of contributions in ways other than sending money. Benefits in being a club member would range from simple recognition to gaining extra priviledges on the BBS which would host your chapter. The club would also have a tri-monthly newsletter free of charge to members. Each BBS which would host a chapter of the club would have a private message area available only to club members, and each chapter would vote regularly for officers. My only problem with getting this thing started is that I don't know how anyone else feels. It may not sound like anything great, but it could be. Who knows? I hope it can become something that would be an honor to BBS users if they were accepted into the club. Of course I realize this whole idea may sound unnecessary to some of you, and that's why I'd like you to give me some feedback. PLEASE take the time to answer the following questionnaire and upload it as a message to me on The Matrix. "Will There Be a Club?" Questionnaire ------------------------------------- 1. What is your name or handle you use most often? 2. Are you a subscribing member of a BBS? If so, which one? 3. Are you a sysop? If so, list name of BBS and phone number. 4. If you are a sysop, would you be willing to host on your BBS, a chapter of the club discussed above? You are not committing yourself with this question. It is merely to let us know whether or not sysops would be interested in giving this thing a try. Details would be discussed later if you truly want to host a chapter. 5. Name at least two people which you feel would be most qualified for membership in such a club as discussed above. Why do you feel they are qualified? 6. Do you feel there are enough benefits for club members? If not, what else would you suggest? 7. How do you think sysops could be encouraged to help out by hosting a chapter? 8. Do you feel as though this club is a good idea? What do you think could be done to make the idea sound more appealing to BBS users? If you take the time to send me your answers to this questionnaire, it would be GREATLY appreciated, and you would already have made a great contribution! Even if you don't want to answer the above questions, I would still appreciate any note with a short, yet decent, comment! Thank you for your time, and I hope to see you on the boards! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ProFile by Chris Mohney The ProFile is a short, half-serious biographical sketch given to various computer telecommunications personalities around Birmingham. Victims are selected randomly from a group of names put into the notorious Hat. Anyone who thinks himself brave or witty enough may petition for admittance to the Hat by leaving E-Mail to me (Chris Mohney, most boards around town) to that effect. Anyone who wishes to suggest more questions or sneakily nominate someone without their knowledge may take the same route.... ****************** This Month: He Ain't Heavy .... ****************** --------- Pro-File on PETE MOHNEY --------- Age: 31 Birthplace: Cincinati, Ohio Occupation: Computer programmer My hobbies include: Reading sci-fi and fantasy, playing Dungeons and Dragons, softball Years telecomputing: .7 Sysop, past/present/future of: Pseudo-co-sysop of conferences on Radio Free TROAD and Owl's Nest, both RPG's My oddest habit is: Reading while I walk My greatest unfulfilled ambition is: Ruling the world The single accomplishment of which I am most proud is: Getting a high paying job for which I have no training whatsover My favorite performers are: Jennifer Roberson, Glen Cook, Orson Scott Card, Mercedes Lackey, Katherine Kurtz, any hard rock preferably classic The last good movie I saw was: Robin Hood The last good book I read was: Swordbreaker, by Jennifer Roberson If they were making a movie of my life, I'd like to see my part played by: Nick Nolte My pet peeves are: People who don't say what they mean, people who don't mean what they say When nobody's looking, I like to: Well, if I wanted people to know, I'd do it when they're looking! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- SIG's (Special Interest Groups), Computer Related ------------------------------------------------- BEPCUG CCS Birmingham East PC Users Group Commodore Club South Jefferson Sate Jr. College Springville Road Library Ruby Carson Hall, Rm 114 2nd & 4th Tuesday (C64/C128) 3rd Friday, 7-9 PM 3rd Monday (Amiga) Paula Ballard 251-6058 (after 5PM) 7:30-10 PM BCCC BIPUG Birmingham Commodore Computer Club Birmingham IBM-PC Users Group POB 59564 UAB Nutrition Science Blg Birmingham, Al 35259 RM 535/541 UAB School of Education, Rm 153 1st Sunday (delayed one week 2nd and 4th Sundays, 2 PM if meeting is a holiday) Rusty Hargett 854-5172 Marty Schulman 967-5883 BACE FAOUG Birmingham Atari Computer First Alabama Osborne Users Enthusiast Group Vestavia Library, downstairs Homewood Library 2nd Monday, 7 PM 1st Saturday, 1PM Benny Brown 822-5059 Ed Purquez 669-5200 CADUB CAD Users of Birmingham Homewood Library 3rd Tuesday, 6:30PM-8:30PM Bobby Benson 791-0426 SIG's, Non-Computer Related --------------------------- BBC Birmingham Astronomy Club Blue Box Companions Subject: Astronomy Subject: Dr. Who Red Mountain Museum Annex Hoover Library 4th Tuesday, 7:30PM 1st Saturday, 2PM-5PM If you belong to or know of a user group that is not listed, please let us know by sending E-Mail to Barry Bowden on The Matrix BBS. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Known BBS Numbers For The Birmingham Area NAME NUMBER BAUD RATES MODEM BBS SOFTWARE SUPPORTED TYPE * Abject Poverty 680-9680 300-2400 ProLogon/Prodoor * Alter-Ego BBS 925-0707 300-2400 MNP4 ProLogon/ProDoor * American BBS 674-1851 300-2400 PCBoard 14.5 Amiga Alliance ][ 631-0262 300-2400 Ami Express ^ Arkham Asylum 853-7422 300-2400 WWIV 4.12 )*% Bloom County 856-0587 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5 -* Bus System 595-1627 300-2400 PCBoard 14.2 *% Byte Me! 979-BYTE! 2400-9600 USR HST WWIV 4.12 CM(ee) BBS Node 1 655-4059 300-2400 Oracomm Plus CM(ee) BBS Node 2 655-4065 300-1200 Oracomm Plus Camelot BBS 856-0679 300-2400 Telegard 2.5 -*# Channel 8250 Node 1 744-8546 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5 -*# Channel 8250 Node 2 744-5166 300-9600 USR HST PCBoard 14.5 * Crunchy Frog Node 1 956-1755 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5 * Crunchy Frog Node 2 956-0073 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5 DataLynx 322-3425 300-2400 Oracomm5.L.30 Disktop Publishing BBS 854-1660 300-2400 MNP4 Wildcat! 2.55s FM Station 680-9772 1200-2400 WWIV 4.12 Graphics Zone Node 1 870-5306 300-9600 MNP4 TBBS 2.1(16) Graphics Zone Node 2 870-5329 300-9600 MNP4 TBBS 2.1(16) Hacker's Corner 674-5449 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5 Hardeman's BBS 640-6436 1200-2400 Wildcat! 2.55s -* Joker's Castle 664-5589 300-2400 PC Board 14.5 @ K-9 Corner 424-8202 300-2400 Image 1.2 *& Little Kingdom Node 1 969-0007 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5 *& Little Kingdom Node 2 969-0008 300-2400 MNP4 PCBoard 14.5 Long Island 631-0184 300-2400 ??????? * Magnolia BBS 854-6407 300-9600 USR HST PCBoard 14.2 Martrydom Again?! 491-2876 1200-2400 WWIV 4.12 @ Missing Link 853-1257 300-2400 Image1.2 ^ Myth Drannor 699-5811 1200-2400 MNP4 WWIV 4.11 Outside It's America 951-2473 300-2400 MNP4 WWIV 4.12 Owl's Nest 680-0851 300-2400 PCBoard 14.5 Paradise City 853-1439 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5 PC Echange Link 663-2759 300-9600 USR DS QuickBBS 2.04 + Programmer's Shack 871-3356 300-9600 USR HST Telegard 2.5i * Radio Free Troad 979-6183 300-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5 Safe Harbor 665-4355 300-9600 USR DS GTPower 15.00 Sperry BBS 853-6144 300-9600 Hayes PCBoard 14.5 * ST BBS 836-9311 300-2400 PCBoard 14.2 Strattosphere 833-7612 1200-2400 WWIV 4.12 The Commodore Zone 856-3783 300-2400 Image1.2 The Connection Node 1 854-9074 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5 The Connection Node 2 854-2308 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5 The Connection Node 3 854-0698 1200-2400 PCBoard 14.5 ^ The Dragon's Hoard 833-3790 300-2400 WWIV 4.12 ^ The Edge of Oblivion 520-0230 300-2400 WWIV 4.11 -*!$(The Matrix Nodes 1-4 323-2016 300-2400 PCBoard 14.5 -*!$(The Matrix Node 5 251-2344 2400-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5 -*!$(The Matrix Node 6 323-0799 2400-9600 USR DS PCBoard 14.5 + The Outer Limits 985-1725 1200-9600 USR HST Ultra BBS ?.?? The Quiet Zone 833-2066 300-2400 ExpressNET + The Round Table 938-2145 300-2400 Telegard 2.5i The Word 833-2831 300-2400 WWIV 4.12 Victory Express 425-0821 300-1200 Image 1.2 Willie's DYM Node 1 979-1629 300-2400 Oracomm Plus Willie's DYM Node 2 979-7739 300-2400 Oracomm Plus Willie's DYM Node 3 979-7743 300-1200 Oracomm Plus Willie's DYM Node 4 979-8156 300-1200 Oracomm Plus Ziggy Unaxess 991-5696 300-1200 Unaxess The many symbols you see prior to the names of many of the bbs' in the list signify that they are members of one or more networks that exchange or echo mail to each other in some organized fashion. * = EzNet, a local IBM compatible network @ = Image network, a national Commodore network + = FidoNet, an international IBM compatible network - = Metrolink, an international IBM compatible network ^ = WWIV-Net, an international IBM compatible network & = Intellec, an international IBM compatible network # = Uni'Net, an international IBM compatible network % = ThrobNet, an international IBM compatible network ! = RastaNet, an international IBM compatible network $ = ILink, an international IBM compatible network ( = TheoNet, a national IBM compatible network ) = USNetMail, a national IBM compatible network If you have any corrections, additions, deletions, etc., please let us know via EzNet.