
Since no one seems to want to bring our laws in line with the Bill of
Rights, but no one wants to admit that either, maybe we need to rewrite the
B of R slightly to fit the current agenda. Here's what I recommend in
place of the original ten amendments:


Amendment the First

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or
prohibiting the free exercise thereof, unless the religion is definable as
a "cult." Neither shall it usurp the duty of universities to abridge the
freedom of speech, nor prohibit the freedom of the press unless it is used
in a manner which any Citizen shall find offensive, nor prohibit the right
of the lobbyists to assemble, and to bribe the government for the redress
any and all grievances, real or imagined.

Amendment the Second
A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state,
the right of the people to keep and bear arms.... ha ha, just kidding.

Amendment the Third
No soldier shall, in times of peace be quartered in any house, as he would
be AWOL if he were.

Amendment the Fourth
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses papers and
effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated,
and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath,
affirmation, or anonymous tips by paid informants, and particularly
describing the place to be searched and a realistic appraisal of the value
of the property should the police choose to seize and auction it.

Amendment the Fifth
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous
crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in
cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in
actual service in time of war, public danger, or drug hysteria, nor shall
any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of
life or limb unless he shall be a Caucasian policeman who really should
been convicted the first time; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case
to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life without appeals
far in excess of anyone's idea of "due process," liberty without due
process, or property without an anonymous tip, nor shall private property
be taken for private use unless the new establishment can be expected to
pay high enough property taxes to offset the cost of just compensation.

Amendment the Sixth
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a
speedy* and public trial by an impartial** jury of the State and district
wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been
previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause
of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him unless
feminists object; to have a compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in
his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense and/or
plea bargain.

Amendment the Seventh
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed the
1791 value of twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be
preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise re-examined in
any court of the United States unless a death sentence shall have been
recommended, than according to the rules of the common law. Fortunately
for the IRS, tax code has nothing to do with common law.

Amendment the Eighth
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor
cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.***

Amendment the Ninth
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be
construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. That is
Congress' job.

Amendment the Tenth
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
prohibited to it by the States, are up for grabs.

* For the purposes of this document, "speedy" shall be defined as
"commencing within ten (10) years of the defendant's arrest or accusation,
whichever comes later."

**For the purposes of this document, "impartial" shall be defined as
"able to convince both lawyers that he is partial to their respective
cause, and also able to convince a judge of his intention to waive his
right to nullification of laws deemed to be unjust or inappropriately applied."

*** The definitions of "excessive," "cruel," and "unusual" shall be subject
to the interpretation of the legislative body which shall pass the law
mandating the bail, fine, or punishment in question. Thus Congress shall
legislate no punishments which the same Congress considers to be excessive,
cruel, or unusual.
--
Jeff Bishop
"The opinions expressed in this letter do, in fact, represent the opinions
Northwestern University, its employees, faculty, and students, because, let's
face it, I have that kind of power at my disposal."
------------------------------------------------
(This file was found elsewhere on the Internet and uploaded to the
Patriot FTP site by S.P.I.R.A.L., the Society for the Protection of Individual Rights and Liberties. E-mail alex@spiral.org)
