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  ...presents... Concise Guide to Forgetting How Much You Suck

                                                         by Jason Farnon



                      >>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<

                        -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-

  ____       _     ____       _       ____       _     ____       _       ____

 |____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|



     "Guh.  I suck.  Everything sucks.  Diediedie!!!sadjkhsaldhj"



     How many times have you said this to yourself?  Things just suck, people

are stupid.  You haven't washed in a while and are probably better off dead.

Once again, cDc comes to the rescue.  Here are some methods of passing the time

until you die.  They have been tested and proven to work.  No guess work

involved here...  have fun, and don't eat the brown acid.

 ______________________________________________________________________________



1) Sleep



     Seems pretty obvious, right?  You'd be amazed how many people overlook

this.  Here is a secret tip for you: did you know that you don't have to be

tired or drowsy to sleep?  I bet you didn't.  Don't stay up thinking something

cool is going to happen.  Don't go hang out with people who suck as much as

you.  You know nothing cool will happen.  It never does.  But you waste your

time like a moron going "out" and coming back with no satisfaction whatsoever.

Why not just stay home and sleep?  Your bed is warm, and nobody can bother you.

You can't be frustrated with trying to do anything cool, because you never

attempted anything to begin with.



     Sleep eighteen hours a day if you can get away with it.  Sleep any place

where you know you will not get sodomized.  You know you don't have to be

social if your eyes are closed.  I have learned that if people think you're

sleeping, they won't try to talk to you.  You know how much you hate that

interaction thing.  Plus, when you sleep, you'll feel better.  For all the

hours you've wasted doing nothing, you could do something that makes you happy.

Just accept that you will die a worthless piece of shit having contributed

nothing worthwhile to this hypocritical shithole society.  It makes doing

nothing so much easier.  They don't deserve your brilliance anyway.



2) Foreign Substances



     Why not put things into your body that will give you a false sense of

security, superiority, or confidence?  I mean, as long as you are content, who

cares what other people think?  Remember, it's all in your mind.  No matter

what they say, no matter where they place you: in the end your demise will be

your fault and your fault only.  If you win in your mind, you can be burning to

death while maggots chew on your eyes and still have a sense of accomplishment.



     So you have decided to destroy your body with drugs.  Good call.  Acid

will make you very happy, as you will appreciate things so much more.  You see

people being so damn happy... laughing, and you wonder how they can be so happy

when we are slowly approaching the Apocalypse.  You aren't at fault.  They are

just morons who are going to burn in Hell.  But if you want to experience what

they feel, drop out.  Everything will make sense.  All of a sudden, the

doorknob you took for granted will fascinate you to no end.  Trees and lakes

will be beautiful again, at least for twelve hours.  Do a lot of acid.  You

have nothing to lose.  You can only gain insight to their "other" world.  No

other drug is worth it.  In addition, acid is very very cheap.  Even if it

becomes a habit, it won't be one you'll have to sell your body for: only your

furniture.  Fucking up your mind is okay.  Having skid marks is not.  Marijuana

is out of the question as it is easily detectable and will prevent you from

getting your McJob.



     There, I used a Generation-X term.  That's all you are.  Generation-X.

You're like a textbook, you little fuck.  Don't think you're some superior

being close to discovering the answers everyone has forgotten.  You are

nothing.  You are SHIT.  There are so many before you that were worthless and

confused like you, and there will be so many afterwards.  You will make no

impact on the world, and will scapegoat it to the fact that no one understands

your brilliance.  You're worthless, you fuckhead.



     "Get a drug habit and die."

          -- Milk and Cheese



     As I was saying, the drugs with the quick rushes like nitrous, and drugs

that are physically addictive like cocaine are just not worth it.  I'd rather

not go into the ramifications.  If you don't believe me, try for yourself.  In

fact, I encourage it.  There will be less of you, and I will have a better

chance of getting a confused and hopelessly lost Generation X woman.



     Then there is alcohol.  Alcohol is great.  It makes you forget, and can be

useful if you ever need to amputate a leg.  Always carry some of your favorite

beverage in a Thermos.  Don't drink beer, beer is for stupid people.  If you

drink beer, may you rot in Hell.  Alcohol is a big excuse.  "Give me a break,

man, I was drunk."  Fuck you, pal, there are no breaks.  Only losers drink at

parties.  Just sad people drink with other people.  Cool people drink alone.

You heard me, alone.  Alone with an issue of _Stickboy_ and rad music.



     When you drink alone, you can think.  When you drink alone, you don't need

other people to impress.  Fact.  You're drinking.  No one needs to know you can

drink half a keg without puking.  Bar hopping is for faggots.  Alcohol will

also help you get to sleep when some eternal questions are bugging you to no

end.



3) Find Companionship



     Find a girl.  Yes.  Find a girl.  One more time.  Find a girl.  [I'm a

guy and this is my perspective.  Other people, do the gender math.]  It's not

as hard as you may think.  Let me rephrase that.  Get a girl.  If you look for

one, you'll never find one.  I think someone intelligent said that.  You'll

accidentally stumble into her, somehow.  As long as you don't suck that much,

it is inevitable.  You may be introduced, or you might wind up in the same jail

cell.  Hold on to her.  She will be your crutch in this cruel and disgusting

world.  Together the planet will be your toilet paper.  You won't need anyone

else, as now you're doing more than winning in your mind.  You're winning in

her mind, and that's so much more reassuring.  Have violent angry sex, or

whatever makes both of you happy.  You will be happy.  You'll cut your penis

off if she asks you to.  But you will not care.  And then when you need her

most, she'll disappear.  After the physical aspect is taken for granted, you

will realize that your relationship is shit.  It has no damn substance.  Just

two lost children in a big confusing world, grabbing at anything in the dark.

Now its time to do lots of acid and die.



4) Clubs



     Go to shows or clubs and draw blood.  Go to some stupid teen angst Nirvana

show or something of that degree, and get into the pit.  Make sure you bring

small sharp objects.  You see, the people at angst shows are wussies, and would

never hurt you.  Hurt them, bruise them, and inflict the pain on them that they

deserve.  Or go to a real show, and swing your arms and body around wildly. 

Most of the time, if you pass it off as dancing, nobody will bother you.  You

can injure yourself and other people and get your angst out.  It's all angst.

Just remember, you are not special.  You suck!  You are a fucking cockroach

that will be crushed by the intelligent ones.  Or maybe you'll get picked up by

some whore at the club.  If you have taken my advice, you've probably come to

the club drunk out of your mind.  Not having any idea what is going on, you

decided it would be a super idea to have sex with this she-beast.  Inevitably

you will get AIDS, and will rot and your fingers will fall off.  It's not a fun

way to die, but you can be an asshole by giving other people AIDS and spreading

your disease.



5) Hit Your Head Against the Wall



     This is a little bit like going to a show, but it's in a controlled

environment.  The harm you inflict on yourself relies completely on your sanity

and tolerance for pain.  If Big Biff from _Club Big Hair_ decides to decorate

your face with his fist, there is no use arguing.  Biff will stop when he

pleases, most likely when it's last call.  On the other hand, you can stop

hitting your head on the wall any time you wish.  Most likely the numbing pain

will get to you, but that would be the exact thing you wanted to accomplish.

The physical pain will help you forget the questions that have kept you up at

night.  Blood takes precedence over man's inhumanity to man.



6) Get a Job



     Yeah, get a job.  It's not as hard as you may you think.  Even if you are

lazy and would rather roll over and die, there are jobs intended for your

mind-set!  If you have an ounce of brain matter, you shouldn't have a problem

finding a job.  There are Generation X opportunities everywhere.  Get a job

that doesn't require a high school education.  Even five dollars an hour adds

up.  You won't have time to think because you'll be too busy taking shit from

you McManager.  Everyday you will come home exhausted out of your mind.  You

won't have time to worry about how much things suck, because you will just be

grateful to God that you are not working.  This cycle continues until you die.

There is another benefit of working.  You'll have more money for drugs.



7) Fun With Your Bladder



     You never thought that your bladder could make you happy.  Just like

everything else, you take your bladder for granted.  For kicks, next time you

have to urinate... don't.  Don't urinate for a day or two, until the pain is

excruciating.  Then go to the bathroom.  You will feel such stupendous

satisfaction and relief, like nothing matters at all except for the fact that

your bladder is empty.  And you know what?  It's true.



8) Destroy People Who Suck More Than You



     This is my personal favorite.  There are subsets of this which will be

included later.  Basically, you know who you're better than.  The people who

swim in ecstasy of their own stupidity...  for them, ignorance is bliss.  You

sometimes wonder if you would be better off if you were like them.  Probably

so.  Make them pay.  Insult them, make fun of them and make their lives hell.

Laughing at fat people and the handicapped is also not out of the question.

Anything that will boost your ego by stepping on someone else's head.

Sometimes you might get hurt, but it's worth it.  You always win in your head

anyway.  If you need courage to insult people who are stupid but much larger

than you, you can always resort to alcohol.  It's such a wonderful invention.

There are so many damn idiots.  cDc wouldn't exist otherwise.  Laugh at the

grunge losers who still haven't had their umbilical cords cut.  Laugh at the

blind sheep getting raped by the media.  Laugh at your insecure friends.  You

are above all of them.  You are God.



9) Offend People



     Offending people is a great pastime.  You need to find a cause and run

with it.  Luckily, you don't have to know anything the cause to piss people

off.  Generally you can promote this cause with much more fervor if you have a

bias one way or another with it.  The possibilities are endless.  Hand out

NAMBLA literature in front of a church.  Hold up a sign with a penis on it

stating, "The uncircumcised have rights too."  It's best to insult something

that is very dear to someone, like something they have wasted (and 'wasted' is

the key word), their lives plugging away.  A t-shirt that says "Breast cancer

is good.  More breathing room on the train" will definitely do the trick.

Getting people angry with you will waste time, and you might actually get

people to join your moronic cause.  Then you can get money out of them.  Look

what it did for Scientology.  Racism is also very important when you are

offending people.  There is nothing that offends people more than racism.  You

don't have to be a racist to practice racism at all.  Buy a dirty joke book and

make it your bible.  Then you can stand in Harvard Square with a microphone

saying things like, "How do you get a black guy out of a tree in Mississippi?

Cut the rope!"  Huh huh.



10) IRC



     IRC stands for Internet Relay Chat.  With IRC you can harass people and

you can seek companionship, all from the comfort of your own home.  IRC is an

anarchy, and absolutely no rules apply.  It is safe to assume this, at least

most of the time.  With IRC, a little technical knowledge goes a long, long

way.  Hardcore IRC users take IRC to be some kind of virtual world where they

can unwind.  The truth is that IRC is like anything else on the Internet; a

collection of TCP/IP connections and ASCII characters.  There is no special

privilege required to start a channel on IRC.  Some channels to check out are:



#gayteen

#gaysex

#hottub

#warez

#suicide

#talk

#lesbian

#blaklife

#chat

#lonely



     You'll most likely find me on one of them on any given night.  You see,

people on these channels spend so much time on IRC because they are insecure

stupid fucks.  They'd rather hide behind their screens than deal with people in

person.  They are easy to annoy, and get very frustrated when their measly

kicks and bans have no effect on you.  They will attempt to mail your

administrator.  If your admin is cool, he'll tell 'em to fuck off.  Otherwise

you might get a call from your parole officer (private joke).  Here is a

sample:



----------

*** sadboy (xxxxxxxx@xxx.xxx) has joined channel #gaysex

*** Topic for #gaysex: it's oscar night

*** Users on #gaysex: sadboy @Woolf KY-KEV arich socrates mathlab DSV HornDog

+Achilles @TaterTot @Mantas @Tonybear nycguy Russkii NYCe1 @Caz oof Hot4U

+@Pledge AfroChick Harder @TallLion studhumpr @Xerxes @ButchBub @Skunky

+@Lasher- @SilvrWing @ChefD @L00K bi-jock @Rooh @MrPeabody @cEvin

<AfroChick> afrochick loves horndog!

<NYCe1> hi arich, sadboy

> hello

<NYCe1> hi sadboy

<DSV> Wooooo!  This place is getting pretty hostile.

<NYCe1> why sad?

> how are you "men" doing tonight?

<socrates> exit

<Tonybear> hello to woolf & sadboy

<HornDog> CAN WE ALL TRY TO BE NICE TO ONE ANOTHER ????

> i am GAY and i want SEX

> someone GAY here please give me SEX

*Tonybear* talk to me.

> i want GAY SEX right now

-> *Tonybear* ok

*** Tonybear is ~tonylove@mindvox.phantom.com (Adam Greenberg)

*** on channels: @#gaysex

*** on irc via server irc.colorado.EDU (Univ of Colorado Server (2.8.*))

<Caz> sadboy: you have hands ..use em'

> give me GAY SEX now

> someone give me GAY SEX

***ACTION Lasher- spreads it's throbbing lips until they are big enough to

+engulf sadboy

***ACTION Lasher- lowers itself onto sadboy , lower...lower...lower, until

+nothing of sadboy is left

<Lasher-> sadboy is never heard from again...such a pity...

*** Lasher- is now known as STANK0

*** You have been kicked off channel #gaysex by STANK0 (<<<mwahahaha>>>)

*** sadboy (xxxxxx@xxx.xxx) has joined channel #gaysex

*** Topic for #gaysex: it's oscar night

***ACTION STANK0 morphs back into Lasher-

*** STANK0 is now known as Lasher-

> i need my GAY SEX

*Tonybear* where are you located and what can i do for you?

*** You have been kicked off channel #gaysex by Skunky (get a life! <NK>)

*** #gaysex : Cannot send to channel (from ra.oc.com)

-> *Tonybear* give me GAY SEX

*** sadboy (xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx) has joined channel #gaysex

*** Topic for #gaysex: it's oscar night

> GAY SEX please

> i need more GAY SEX

*Tonybear* tell me what you like?

<Lasher-> `remove sadboy

<Xerxes> Bahahahah

*** Mode change "-o+b sadboy *!*xxxxxxx@*.xxx.xxx" on channel #gaysex by

+cEvin

*** You have been kicked off channel #gaysex by cEvin (LaTeR.)

*** #gaysex :Sorry, cannot join channel. (Banned from channel)

-> *Tonybear* coffee cake

----------



     I came there to harass people and some dork actually wanted to have

virtual sex with me.  It's amazing how fucking pathetic people can get.  Rot in

Hell, Tonybear.  Eventually I was banned, but I did have my chuckles.  Another

thing I enjoy flooding to #gaysex is ASCII breasts.  Mail my cat if you want

those.  I will be glad to comply.  The possibilities for IRC are endless, and

the best part is that you don't have to leave your house!



11) Stare at a Picture of Tori Amos



     Trust me.



12) Install Hardware and Play Old Wares



     Installing cool hardware and playing wares is something you can do to pass

the time.  Hardware is impartial.  It either works or it doesn't.  Flip a

couple of jumpers and the sound card works.  No such luck with the other

problems in life.  Things cannot get too complicated with hardware.  If

hardware pisses of you off enough, just slam it against the wall.  Stomp on it

until it is a mangled circuit board.  Hardware will be sorry the day it tried

to fuck with you.  Who says you always lose?  You just kicked ass!



     Playing really old wares will get your mind off of things.  Endless hours

at _Donkey Kong_ will do the trick.  Amass outrageous numbers of old 8-bit

Atari, Commodore, and Apple II games.  Contemporary stuff is way too

complicated, and often requires typing.  If you have to type, it's too much

effort.  Games that only use two arrow keys are great.  Play until your eyes

bleed.  You will die soon.  Hey, if you complain about how much you suck

enough, I'll do you a favor and kill you.  Make both of us happy.



13) Kill Yourself



     Seems like the obvious answer, right?  Well I feel suicide is the last

possible solution.  For starters, killing yourself takes way too much fucking

energy, plus you might make someone happy.  God forbid that might happen.  A

human life is just way too valuable.  You may not think this, but its true.  No

matter if it does massive amounts of good, or better yet massive amounts of

evil, it has so much damn power.  You can make so many stupid people miserable.

Why would you want to give all of that up?  If you do go, go with a bang.  Any

wuss can swallow fifty aspirins.  Be rad, light yourself on fire.  Stand

up for what you really believe in.  Shoot your elected representatives.  Shoot

your neighbor's dog.  Drive across the country shooting minorities.  Then do it

again the other direction and shoot majorities.  Do something that they will

never forget.  And then when it can't get any worse, with everyone on your ass,

it gets better.  You kill yourself.  You are now less miserable, and have way

fewer responsibilities.



14) Stare at the Wall



     This one I picked up from someone I loiter with on the phone often.  It is

not a personal favorite of mine, as I would rather sleep.  He speaks highly of

it, however.  If you have the patience to stare at the wall for a long time,

you will begin to see amazing things.  We take walls for granted, you know.

I personally do not have the patience to look at a wall for prolonged periods

of time.



15) Write Textfiles



     Write textfiles.  Be an art fag.  Wear all black, smoke cloves, and wait

to die.  You have so much damn anger and energy.  Don't let it go to waste.

Unite, and crush the opposition.  Always remember that you are superior, and

they are miserable whether they look it or not.  Pipe you anger into something

<gasp> constructive and kick some fucking ass.  And when in doubt, place your

thumb a few inches from your index finger and scream, "I'm crushing your head!"

 _______  __________________________________________________________________

/ _   _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|

 ((___)) |Cool Beans!..........415/648-PUNK|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|

 [ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/579-2276|ATDT East...........617/350-STIF|

  \   /  |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020|

  (' ')  |            Save yourself!  Go outside!  DO SOMETHING!            |

   (U)   |==================================================================|

  .ooM   |Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and Jason Farnon.           |

\_______/|All Rights Reserved.                               11/01/1994-#285|



