

                                    _

                                   | \

                                   |  \

                                   | | \

                            __     | |\ \             __

      _____________       _/_/     | | \ \          _/_/     _____________

     |  ___________     _/_/       | |  \ \       _/_/       ___________  |

     | |              _/_/_____    | |   > >    _/_/_____               | |

     | |             /________/    | |  / /    /________/               | |

     | |                           | | / /                              | |

     | |                           | |/ /                               | |

     | |                           | | /                                | |

     | |                           |  /                                 | |

     | |                           |_/                                  | |

     | |                                                                | |

     | |      c   o   m   m   u   n   i   c   a   t   i   o   n   s     | |

     | |________________________________________________________________| |

     |____________________________________________________________________|



  ...presents...     Official cDc Press Release Concerning

                                President Reagan

                                                         by Reid Fleming



                      >>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<

                        -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-

  ____       _     ____       _       ____       _     ____       _       ____

 |____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|



                                                          FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE



FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT: sratte@phantom.com



     I have been authorized by Swamp Ratte' to make public the following items

concerning former President Ronald Reagan's admission of having Alzheimer's

disease.



1) The Cult of the Dead Cow publicly claims responsibility for having given

Reagan the disease.  In 1986, the cDc made contact with field agents working in

the Santa Barbara County area of Southern California.  These agents received by

registered mail sixteen metal darts for use with standard-bore blowguns.  By

subterfuge, the agents managed to get onto the then-President's ranch while Mr.

Reagan was on the premises.  The agents were successful in firing one dart into

Mr. Reagan's wrist while he was riding his horse that day.  The dart delivered

its poison and promptly fell out.



2) The chemical on the dart was a diluted form of Iocaine poison, originally

developed in Australia by the computer hacker Opii.  It is colorless, odorless,

tasteless, and non-habit forming.  However, it is extremely lethal...

eventually.  At any rate, it's poisonous.  That's the main thing.



3) We had originally expected for Mr. Reagan to drop dead in a couple of weeks,

but no such luck.  We figured that the poison had been too diluted by that mad

Aussie to be of any use whatsoever.  But, after leaving office, Reagan's

impaired judgment, personality shift, and lack of general lucidity demonstrated

that the toxin had worked perfectly - albeit just a bit too slowly.



4) We've decided to confess to these state and federal felonies now because no

one would have believed us even a year ago.  Now that Reagan has finally made

our handiwork public, we can use this act of terrorism to its full political

advantage.



5) We promise to give each and every former President of the United States a

full dose of Alzheimer's venom - fast-acting this time - unless we get our

demands fulfilled.



5a) Each Cultee in the cDc requires one sturdy Rubbermaid ice cube tray a year

until the end of his/her natural life.  If the Cultee dies before reaching

his/her expected age of death from insurance actuarial tables, the ice cube

trays will be delivered to that Cultee's estate or survivors, if any.



5b) Xuxa is to resume broadcasting in Spanish immediately!



5c) We want the government to own up to the evils it perpetrated in the Inslaw

case.



5d) No more Tiparillos.



     Thank you for your time.  Do what we want and no more former Presidents

have to get hurt.

                                     ####

 _______  __________________________________________________________________

/ _   _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|

 ((___)) |Cool Beans!..........415/648-PUNK|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|

 [ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/579-2276|ATDT East...........617/350-STIF|

  \   /  |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020|

  (' ')  |            Save yourself!  Go outside!  DO SOMETHING!            |

   (U)   |==================================================================|

  .ooM   |Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and Reid Fleming.           |

\_______/|All Rights Reserved.                               11/01/1994-#281|



