
                             THE WIT AND WISDOM OF
                                JEFF FOXWORTHY
                                       
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   This page is updated from time to time, which means that changes to
   the redneck lists might be made at any moment. I thought you should
   know that.
   
   
   
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                              TABLE OF CONTENTS
                                       
   You might be a redneck if...
   How Much Was It?
   Poor Old Fluffy
   The Jeff Foxworthy Show
   The Twelve Days of Christmas
   Redneck Jokes by Foxworthy Fans
   Other Redneck Stuff
   
   
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You might be a redneck if. . .

   
   
   
    1. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War
       general.
    2. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
    3. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste
       test.
    4. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
    5. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
    6. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
    7. You've ever used lard in bed.
    8. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
    9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
   10. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
   11. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
   12. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
   13. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
   14. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
   15. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
   16. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make
       it look nice.
   17. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
   18. You own a homemade fur coat.
   19. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
   20. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
   21. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
   22. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the
       floorboard of your car.
   23. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
   24. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
   25. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
   26. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
   27. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
   28. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
   29. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
       entertainment.
   30. Fewer than half of your cars run.
   31. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
   32. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
   33. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
   34. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
   35. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the
       principal.
   36. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
   37. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
   38. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few
       days.
   39. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out
       how to fix it.
   40. Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
       telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
   41. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny
       and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
   42. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
   43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
   44. You're an expert on worm beds.
   45. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your
       house.
   46. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can
       take a bath!"
   47. Your family tree does not fork.
   48. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room
       walls.
   49. You haul more than U-Haul.
   50. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The
       feud is back on!"
   51. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
   52. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
   53. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
   54. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
   55. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
   56. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
   57. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
   58. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
   59. You've ever financed a tattoo.
   60. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my
       ship came in."
   61. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
   62. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school
       sports event.
   63. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
   64. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
   65. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
   66. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
   67. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
   68. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
   69. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the
       governor to spare a loved one.
   70. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
   71. your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game
       because of her language.
   72. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
   73. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and
       the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
   74. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
   75. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size
       bottle of ketchup.
   76. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
       front ones.
   77. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
   78. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
   79. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
   80. Birds are attracted to your beard.
   81. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
       Institute".
   82. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
   83. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
   84. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
   85. Bikers back down from your momma.
   86. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
   87. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
   88. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
   89. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
   90. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
   91. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
   92. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What
       the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
   93. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
       groups.
   94. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
   95. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are
       "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the
       same... they're a redneck too!)
   96. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
   97. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
   98. You clean your nails with a stick.
   99. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
   100. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
   101. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
   102. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an
       opening on the lube rack.
   103. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
   104. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
   105. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of
       all time.
   106. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
   107. You've ever bought a used cap.
   108. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
   109. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
   110. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
   111. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
   112. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
   113. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
   114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take
       the wheels off it.
   115. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
   116. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
       sixpack.
   117. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
   118. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
       
   119. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
   120. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
   121. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
   122. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
   123. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
   124. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
   125. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have
       those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
   126. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
   127. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
   128. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
   129. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
   130. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in
       the car.
   131. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
   132. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
   133. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
       
   134. Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
   135. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
   136. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at
       work.
   137. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same
       grade.
   138. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
   139. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
   140. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to
       "Georgia on My Mind".
   141. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
   142. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad
       made it in prison.
   143. You have been fired from a construction job because of your
       appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
   144. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
       the House of Tattoos.
   145. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
   146. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to
       the 4-H Fair.
   147. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front
       yard.
   148. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I
       flush it."
   149. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
   150. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has
       turned yellow.
   151. You mow your lawn and find a car.
   152. You can spit without opening your mouth.
   153. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves
       putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
   154. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend,
       and you only need to buy one gift.
   155. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think
       the South will rise again.
   156. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
   157. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
       
   158. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
   159. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
       contest".
   160. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
   161. You've never paid for a haircut.
   162. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a
       plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
   163. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging
       in your truck.
   164. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just
       "misunderstood".
   165. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
   166. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
   167. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the
       left arm below the shirt sleeve...
   168. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
   169. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
   170. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
       baseball hat.
   171. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
   172. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
   173. Your screen door has no screen.
   174. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The
       one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
   175. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
   176. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick
       at the family reunion.
   177. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of
       the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you
       worry about is if you can lose them or not.
   178. You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
   179. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
   180. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around
       in.
   181. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
   182. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
   183. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
   184. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
   185. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
   186. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
   187. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over
       your fireplace.
   188. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
   189. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
   190. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
   191. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are
       the three of the primary colors.
   192. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to
       defend your sister's honor.
   193. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer
       gray.
   194. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
   195. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on
       her house
   196. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
   197. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you
       can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
   198. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law
       against it.
   199. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
   200. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
   201. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a
       tornado.
   202. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
   203. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up
       your jeans.
   204. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in
       your home town.
   205. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of
       gas in the truck.
   206. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got
       the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
   207. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
   208. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I
       Will Always Love You".
   209. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet
       item.
   210. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
       (Clinton true-life story)
   211. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
       record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays
       you for it).
   212. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
   213. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
   214. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
   215. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting
       events.
   216. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
   217. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
   218. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the
       restroom was flooded.
   219. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom
       together.
   220. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it
       gets light.
   221. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to
       the tractor.
   222. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
   223. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
   224. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
   225. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
   226. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play
       Ball..."
   227. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
   228. You bring your dog to work with you.
   229. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
   230. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
   231. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
   232. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your
       grandfather.
   233. Your masseuse uses lard.
   234. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
   235. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
   236. On stag night, you take a real deer.
   237. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
   238. Your back porch is bigger than your house.
   239. There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
   240. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
   241. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
   242. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living
       room wall.
   243. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
   244. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
   245. Your secret family recipe is illegal.
   246. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
   247. Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the
       front yard.
   248. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
   249. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
   250. You think people that send out graduation announcements are
       show-offs.
   251. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
   252. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
   253. You think cur is a breed of dog.
   254. People hear your car long before they see it.
   255. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
   256. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the
       kids.
   257. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
   258. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
   259. Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
   260. You've ever hitchhiked naked,
   261. You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
   262. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
   263. Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
   264. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
   265. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false
       teeth.
   266. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
   267. Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
   268. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your
       dog.
   269. You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
   270. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your
       car.
   271. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
   272. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
   273. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
   274. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
   275. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
   276. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
   277. You list your parole officer as a reference.
   278. There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
   279. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
   280. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
   281. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
   282. You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak
       of nature.
   283. Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
   284. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
   285. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
   286. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
   287. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale"
       sign in the front yard.
   288. You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
   289. You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny. :)
       
   
   
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How Much Was It?...

   
   You noticed, every time you go through the drive-thru window at
   McDonalds you can understand everything those people say, except how
   much it's gonna cost?
   Everybody's done this. You have your friends in the car, you know:
   "What do you want, man? Turn the radio dowm." And you wait. Then they
   send you that magical voice:
   "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order, please?"
   "Yeah, we'd like three Big Macs, two large order of fries, and three
   medium cokes, please."
   "Would you like a hot apple pie with that?"
   "Did we ask for an apple pie?"
   It's like they've got three years of those things backlogged in the
   freezer or something.
   "That's two Big Macs, three large order of fries, three medium cokes.
   Your total comes to $t.......n drive around, please."
   "HOW MUCH WAS IT?"
   "$.SS#$SS@#$S.. drive around, please."
   You know, sometimes you go through the drive through, and you're not
   in the mood for hamburgers, you're not in the mood for chicken... I
   think some of the nicer restaurants should put in drive through
   windows. Have things like, "Welcome to Steak and Ale, may I take your
   order please?"
   "Yeah, we'd like the steak and lobster for two, a bottle of Dom
   Perignon, and the marinated mushroom, please."
   "Would you like a hot apple pie with that?"
   
   
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Poor old Fluffy...

   
   Sometimes you get funny stuff from your friends. I've got a buddy,
   owns a German shepherd. The people next door to him own one of those
   goofy white rabbits they keep in a cage. He came home one Saturday,
   and his dog is running around the yard WITH THIS RABBIT in his mouth.
   The rabbit has mud on it, it's got dog spit on it, IT IS DEAD. Instead
   of being a man and telling the people what happened, he panicked. He
   took the rabbit away from the dog, took it in the house, washed it off
   with soap and water, and dried it with a hair dryer. (No pun intended,
   there.) He waited until it got dark, snuck the rabbit back over next
   door, put it in the cage like it had a heart attack, and locked the
   door. A few days later he was out in his yard, and he saw the lady
   from next door. She came over to the fence and said, "I guess you
   heard what happened."
   He said, "Naw, what?"
   She said, "We have had a death in our family."
   He said, "Who died?"
   She said, "Fluffy. And the weird thing was, after we buried him,
   somebody digged him back up and put him back in his cage."
   
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                           THE JEFF FOXWORTHY SHOW
                                       
   
   The Jeff Foxworthy Show comes on Saturday at 7 Central on ABC. Watch
   it or we'll have the family reunion at your house this year.
   
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   Here's a sample:
   Jeff's wife: Your son has a question I think only you should answer.
   Jeff: Already? Okay, I'll have a talk with him. (Sits down next to his
   son) Hey Matt, I hear you have a question. When a man and a woman fall
   in love. . .
   Matt: Not that question. A kid called me a name. What's a redneck?
   Jeff: When two cousins fall in love. . .
   
   
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   Now, by popular demand...
   
                         THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
                                       
   
   On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
   12 pack of Bud
   11 rasslin' tickets
   tin of Copenhagen
   9 years probation
   8 table dancers
   7 packs of Red Man
   6 cans of Spam
   5 flannel shirts
   4 big mud tires
   3 shotgun shells
   2 huntin' dawgs
   and some parts to a Mustang GT.
   
   
   [LINK]
   
   
   
                       REDNECK JOKES BY FOXWORTHY FANS
                                       
   
   
   This section is reserved for "You might be a redneck if..." jokes
   written by visitors to this page. Please send me any you know of.
   I'll print anything that isn't lewd, crude, or otherwise completely
   tasteless. To submit your jokes, send mail to Brandon Butler at
   brb1@ra.msstate.edu.
   
You might be a redneck if...

    1. You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
    2. You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask
       for them again.
    3. Every time you see a roadsign that says "DIP" you reach in your
       back pocket.
    4. You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
    5. You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
    6. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw
       run her car at the dirt track race.
    7. Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a
       shovel.
    8. You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
    9. You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct
       yourself.
   10. The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and
       hang a left at the woodshed."
   11. You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a
       coon you killed.
   12. You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
   13. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
   14. You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
   15. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper
       for a bookmark.
   16. You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and
       radio to work.
   17. Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
   18. After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
   19. You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
   20. You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
   21. The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
   22. The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
   23. Your grandmother stands up to pee.
   24. A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, "About what?"
   25. You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night
       in a fine hotel.
   26. Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
   27. The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get
       out.
   28. In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than
       skinning a deer!"
   29. You have sworn on your mother's grave while she is standing beside
       you.
   30. You refer to your cousin as "my girlfriend".
   31. You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to
       you.
   32. You got your tater gun hangin' over your couch in your living room
       as a conversation piece.
   33. You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike"
       Contest.
   34. You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.
   35. Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
   36. One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
   37. Your house has a kickstand.
   38. You drive around a parking lot for fun.
   39. You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
   40. Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.
   41. Your school dress code contains the line "Shoes Optional".
   42. Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
   43. You have to duct tape your gloves on.
   44. You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
   45. Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the
       tractor pull.
   46. You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
   47. You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
   48. Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
   49. You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
   50. You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body
       repair.
   51. You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever
       you go for a drive.
   52. You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
   53. You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
   54. You've ever been given a gun as a present.
   55. Flannel is your favorite color.
   56. You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
   57. Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious
       twitching in his knee.
   58. You have barnyard animals living in your house.
   59. The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are
       obscured by a layer of mud.
   60. Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of
       the rear pockets.
   61. Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a
       steady hand."
   62. You have got more bumper stickers than children.
   63. Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair
       to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the
       pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
   64. You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a
       pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more
       particularly if it was yours.
   65. You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to
       wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it
       as a flower truck.
   66. Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was
       using it as a brooder.
   67. Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured
       fowl.
   68. You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When
       you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the
       chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said
       chicken.
   69. Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the
       front of the pickup seat.
   70. There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition
       stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they
       have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the
       shotgun shells.
   71. You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for
       use on possums.
   72. You have ever shot a possum on your back porch. More particularly
       if you have ever shot a possum on your front porch.
   73. Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting
       fowl.
   74. One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically
       unusable due to nesting fowl.
   75. The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because
       the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
   76. You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to
       get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
   77. You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than
       your vehicles.
   78. You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to
       the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
   79. You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
   80. You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let
       the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
   81. Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the
       laundry room.
   82. Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises
       before they learned to talk.
   83. You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and
       chewing tobacco.
   84. You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments
       of $3.00.
   85. You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't
       use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
   86. You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near
       the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot
       the neighbor's dogs when they get into it.
   87. You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the
       pickup.
   88. The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your
       wife....and wave to her.
   89. Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that
       may have grown in them since the last time you went.
   90. You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to
       use at a KISS concert.
   91. You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not
       including 22 caliber.
   92. You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
   93. You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of
       your truck.
   94. When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right
       feet 50% of the time.
   95. Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into
       "America's Most Wanted".
   96. You own more than two clappers.
   97. You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at
       Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck
       another 8 inches.
   98. You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
   99. You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
   100. You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
   101. You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
   102. You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
   103. Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife's car, but no
       blade.
   104. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
   105. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
   106. You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
   107. Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
   108. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of
       Jack Daniels the other day.
   109. The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle
       of Jack Daniels "over yonder in them hills."
   110. Your moustache is longer than your wife's hair.
   111. Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and
       a hook.
   112. Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.
   113. Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip
       net.
   114. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving
       ground for new recruits.
   115. You think Tang is in the fruit group.
   116. You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have
       trouble with your ABC's.
   117. You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
   118. You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
   119. Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.
   120. You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
   121. You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
   122. The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
   123. You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives
       names.
   124. You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong
       suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
   125. You're watching the Beverly Hillbillies and the mention of
       Granny's pickled owl gizzards throws a craving on you.
   126. Your horse wears shoes in the summer, but you don't.
   127. It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
   128. People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard
       sale.
   129. You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he
       replies, "I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the
       hogs today."
   130. Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered
       seats in it.
   131. You think the internet is a new fishing tool.
   132. There's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.
   133. Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.
   134. You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
   135. You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
   136. Your dog is your alarm clock.
   137. You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one
       of the 7 wonders of the world.
   138. Your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within
       walking distance to get candy from.
   139. You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for
       all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).
   140. Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.
   141. The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of
       automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the
       engine out of the old Dodge?)
   142. Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun
       within reach, "just in case".
   143. You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.
   144. Your wife gets a hunting license so you can tag your second buck.
   145. You don't know what a redneck is.
   146. You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".
   147. You thought ER was ET's cousin.
   148. You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.
   149. You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write
       your name.
   150. You've ever been stuck in your own driveway.
       
   
   
  CONTRIBUTORS
  
   If you submit your joke, and you want your name and e-mail address
   here, INCLUDE THIS INFORMATION IN YOUR MESSAGE. Otherwise I'll assume
   you don't want your name here.
     * Randall L. Harris, Sr. (r.l.harris@larc.nasa.gov)
     * Sara Maryfield (saramary@bilbo.bio.purdue.edu)
     * Raymond J. Larrow (raygolf@bu.edu)
     * David Morrocco (no e-mail given)
     * Bob Jack (rejtul@ionet.net)
     * Russell Larkin (rlarkin@inreach.inreach.com)
     * April Bowen (ADB3495@uncwil.edu)
     * Robert J. Zimmerman (rjzimm@most.fw.hac.com)
     * Anonymous (nanced@mail.dtx-bbs.com)
     * "Bunky" (bunky@itchy.mis.nb.ca)
     * Jeremy D. Campbell (EWQS71D@prodigy.com)
     * Cheryl McKenzie (cherylm@iAmerica.net)
     * Mike Moisan (lic@interaccess.com)
     * Anonymous (aporfido@gnn.com)
     * Anonymous (gbrown@e-tex.com)
     * Fred L. Standifer (ZFLS11@ACCESS.EAST-TENN-ST.EDU)
     * Denise Merrill (dmerrill@uconnvm.uconn.edu)
     * Karen Gass (GASS_KAREN@a1.cps.k12.tn.us)
     * Brian J. Cohen (bcohen@m2.interserv.com)
     * Anonymous (dalbert@diamond.tufts.edu)
     * William Holland (wholl@sunny.ncmc.cc.mi.us)
     * Marc Burns (mtb137@psu.edu)
     * Stephen Musso (bmoc@ix.netcom.com)
     * George Dickenson (georged@lewiston.com)
     * Kenneth T Goins (kthomas@q.mindport.net)
     * James Blix (jblix@northernnet.com)
     * Brett M. Queen (bmq@mail.ee.net)
     * Ed Rupp (rupp1@applelink.apple.com)
     * Ryan Collins (collinsj@pa.net)
     * Derick Frederick Canning (drbixby@atcon.com)
     * Ryan Johnson (ryajohns@plains.nodak.edu)
     * Randy Dean Taylor (dtaylor@cco.net)
     * Vance (jvmeek0@pop.uky.edu)
     * Grover Richardson (grover.richardson@gtri.gatech.edu)
     * April D. Kesterson (no e-mail)
     * Craig Cornell (cc006e@uhura.cc.rochester.edu)
     * Matthew Anderson (lothar@magellan.cloudnet.com)
     * Gregory Czerwonka (greg@yoda.csl.uiuc.edu)
     * Jeremy Whyte (jeremy_whyte@mindlink.bc.ca)
     * Adam Young (adamy@prairienet.org)
     * Jeannie Munoz (dogpie@Onramp.NET)
     * Thomas Heinzelman (cmt30@NetHeaven.com)
     * Randy Breitzman (av8r@siucvmb.siu.edu)
     * Liz Convery (lizc@ntn.com)
     * Joseph Andrew Stainback (jstain1@mail.gld.com)
     * John A. Pogas (john@email.kbpub.com)
     * David Bowers (74757.2045@compuserve.com)
     * Rick Ratayczak (helpdesk@execpc.com)
     * Jim Garrison (garrison@fyi.net)
     * Jared Lemieux (shorton@tiac.com)
     * Harry Ellery (ellery@earthlink.net)
       [INLINE]
       
       
       
                        OTHER REDNECK AND COMEDY STUFF
                                       
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       16, 1995.
