
                HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLD: 
 
*  Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
*  The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
*  You feel like "the night before", and you haven't been anywhere.
*  Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
*  You get winded playing chess.
*  Your children begin to look middle-aged.
*  You finally reach the top of the ladder, and you find it leaning
   against the wrong wall.
*  You join a health club and don't go.
*  You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
*  You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
*  Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
*  A dripping faucet causes uncontrollable bladder urge.
*  You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
*  You look forward to a dull evening.
*  You walk with your head held high -- trying to get used to your
   trifocals.
*  Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-Five Years Ago Today".
*  You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
*  You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
*  Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
*  You regret all those temptations you resisted.
*  You're 17 around the neck, 44 around the waist, and 105 around the
   golf course.
*  You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
*  After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before
   applying a second coat.
*  Dialing long distance wears you out.
*  You remember that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
*  You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
*  The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
*  You burn the midnight oil after 9 p.m.
*  Your back goes out more often than you do.
*  A fortune teller offers to read your face.
*  Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty
   girl walk by.
*  The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your 
   wife.
*  You get all your exercise being pallbearer for your friends who 
 
   exercise.
*  You've got too much room in the house and not enough room in the 
   medicine cabinet.
*  You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
 
