         50 THINGS TO DO ON A EXAM, WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO
                                 FAIL IT ANYWAY
        
             1.  Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 
        minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some 
        gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
             2.  Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, 
        I've got the secret documents!!"
             3.  If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is 
        long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. 
        Use the integral symbol.
             4.  Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the 
        instructor's left nostril.
             5.  Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, 
        debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell 
        out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking 
        about what a jerk the instructor is.
             6.  Bring cheerleaders.
             7.  Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, 
        loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've 
        been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are 
        you? Where's the regular guy?"
             8.  Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume 
        at max level.
             9.  On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting 
        way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to 
        answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my 
        religious beliefs. Be creative.
             10.  Bring pets.
             11.  Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a 
        sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to 
        leave the country" and run off.
             12.  Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the 
        papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out 
        "Merry Christmas."  If you're really daring, ask for another copy of 
        the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 
        fifteen minutes.
             13.  Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
             14.  Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on 
        your head, and nothing else.
             15.  Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the 
        exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
             16.  Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know 
        one, make one up!  For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
             17.  Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not 
        looking.  Blame it on the person nearest to you.
             18.  As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
             19.  Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going 
        to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the 
        instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to 
        expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
             20.  Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move 
        to another seat, continue with the exam.
             21.  Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you 
        walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
             22.  Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and 
        true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting 
        things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
             23.  Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions 
        and answers completely blacked out.
             24.  Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers 
        down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
             25.  Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the 
        instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving 
        after one hour to go drink)
             26.  Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some 
        point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
             27.  Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor 
        asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that 
        goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. 
        DUH!"
             28.  Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
             29.  Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 
        minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom 
        of the opera" until they drag you away.
             30.  Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where 
        you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize 
        you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight 
        for your right to take the exam.
             31.  Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, 
        say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 
        Days of our Lives is on!!!"
             32.  Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
             33.  From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to 
        Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they 
        finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the 
        theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
             34.  Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
             35.  If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest 
        proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into 
        most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your 
        own life story.
             36.  Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword 
        and shield.
             37.  Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way 
        through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad 
        circulation.
             38.  Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is 
        obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're 
        not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to 
        the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for 
        references as you see fit."
             39.  When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
             40.  After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to 
        any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
             41.  One word: Wrestlemania.
             42.  Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around 
        like they do before concerts start.
             43.  Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
             44.  Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
             45.  Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next 
        to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
             46.  Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... 
        sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
             47.  During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, 
        chairs, anything you can reach.
             48.  Complete the exam with everything you write being 
        backwards at a 90 degree angle.
             49.  Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If 
        you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the 
        Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the 
        section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the 
        phrase "Told you so".
             50.  Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor 
        xxxx Sucks."