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A
N         ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter
T               Issue #1
I
B A R N E Y
L               ABL- "A group of people united
E                     in a single goal.  Be
A                     scared Barney.  We have
G                     a mandate from the people
U                     and GOD almighty!"
E (tm)(R)



I hate Barney!
I hate Barney!
I hate Barney!

-- From the bestselling "Mantra for a New Age: A World Without Barney"

"Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!" -- Gumby, '60s animation star

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[Press Ctrl+Alt+Del to Continue]                                              
Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney Must Die
Newsletter.  It is time that we must unite agaist a terrible force that is
covering our nation like a dark cloud.  Barney is evil.  Barney and his
Backyard gang are out to take over the minds of kids, so that after the seed
of Barney is planted in their brains, they will more willingly accept a kind
and gentle DICTATORSHIP, by a man in a purple rubber suit.  This problem
will just grow unless we do some thing about it.  Dinosaurs can't be
citizens anyways, so let's send him to Costa Rica.

We will be compiling stations that broadcast the Barney smut, so we can
petition them to put on some quality programing.

-Aaron Anderer

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From: System Ninja <szebra!nocturne.boulder-creek.ca.us!raven>
Organization: "The Enclave" -- Boulder Creek, California

Our story so far...

Waffle VOTE Booth, v1.1.4, mwallis@clubzen.fidonet.org

To save humanity from (evil) aliens, you must watch a Barney videothon:
[Press Ctrl+Alt+Del to Continue]                                              
1)  Just kill me now. ..............................................  1
2)  Wouldn't you rather just severely butt-love me? ................  1
3)  I didn't know anyone else called their penis "Barney" ..........  1
4)  Vampires don't do dat, homie....................................  1
5)  "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... BUT BARNEY???!".........  1
6)  Maybe they're friendly aliens....?..............................  2
7)  I respond by killing Barney to impress Jodi Foster..............  1

-------------
raven@nocturne.boulder-creek.ca.us    ..scruz.ucsc.edu!nocturne!raven
"The Enclave" -- Boulder Creek, California -- +1 408 338-9754


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From: szebra!cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us!metraton (metraton)

These are two articles I posted on rec.humor. The response was disturbingly
small. Barney, it seems, has eaten everyones brains.

---------------------------------------------------*-----------------------

On PBS there is a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check your local
listings). Basically, it concerns a group of irritating small children and a
purple toy dinosaur named "Barney" who comes to life and sings songs of a
pro-social nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You Song", sung to the
tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo:

I love you.
You love me.
Wee're a happy family.
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too?

Believe me, it's really eerie. Now, the fact of Barney's existence on this
show is written off as "imagination". But supposing it isn't?

JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY?

Supposedly, Barney is just some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur suit.
Several things about this theory don't add up, however. Barney has full
mobility, for one thing.  Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only
one of his hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his
stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones?  That's because Big
Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was OPERATING HIS BEAK.

Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth, and LARGE,
MOVING COW-LIKE EYES. If that's a man in there, he's no ordinary man. (Plus,
he's repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap in the air a CLICK HIS
HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.)

If he's not a human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?

1) He's a real dinosaur.

Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is questionable,
the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney is apparently
warm-blooded, this would support current revisionist paleontological theory.
(The singing ability is a new twist, however.) And how would we know if
dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other hand, while he is built along the
lines of a carinvore (Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a
herbivore, or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.

2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly parent figure
in order to train young children to be his unholy army of ultimate darkness.

You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it seems. Look at
the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Adults think he's really
creepy. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to test
this out would be to confront the fiend with a crucifix.

3) He's a space alien.

This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might have access to
all sorts of technology that we couldn't even begin to comprehend: hypnosis
beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of
theses could account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the
show. As for his motives and purpose, see above.

HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?

Notice I waste no time asking if Barney SHOULD be stopped. Of COURSE he
should be stopped. It's a given. But how?

1) Wait for him to go away.

Most media darlings eventually do this. However, we can't afford to take
chances. Our children's BRAINS are at stake.

2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips shut.  You
could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.
[Press Ctrl+Alt+Del to Continue]                                              
3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him.

If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he doesn't have a
breeder reactor in his tail.

4) Stop believing in him.

Scoff if you will. It worked with my boss at the car wash.

Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT Barney is, or
HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's an alt.barney.die.die.die
we'll confine ourselves here. And remember, you won't get your kids back
until Barney is dead.dead.dead.

--
*********************************************************************
We are dealing with forces well within our comprehension.
metraton@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us

Recently, I posted an article where I postulated that Barney the Dinosaur
perhaps was not what he seemed to be, but was,in fact, some evil being bent
on taking over the minds of children everywhere. The Great Unwashed scoffed
at my warnings.

Well,  Barney the Dinosaur is still amongst us, brainwashing hapless
children, and YOU just SIT there at your terminal chuckling at my so-called
"madness". But listen. There's still time to put an end to his evil Jurassic
schemes.

I've done some research and it's clear to me that Barney is some kind of
malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur. With
that in mind, let's discuss how he can be destroyed.  Surveillence shows
that there are two principal Barney modes.  There's the "Sentient Mode",
where he is a six-foot tall fuzzy purple saurian who moves around freely and
talks and sings like an brain damaged castrati. Then there is the "Toy
Mode", where he appears to be a small stuffed version of himself. (NOTE:
Neither of these is Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can
take on any form he chooses. In truth, he probably looks a lot like Mick
Jagger.  Doesn't sing like him, though.)

So. Let's say you happen to see this toy Barney, just sitting there in a
swing made from an old Uniroyal. Do you pull out your handy M-16 and pump
him full of hot lead, screaming "DIE, YOU UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN!  DIE DIE
DIE!" No. You do not. This will only make him angry.  If you're LUCKY he
will only suck out your soul like soup through a straw.

We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume that just
because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he IS a fuzzy hamless doll.
In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in active mode he
thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall be his downfall.

You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a crucifix, an iron rod, a Tammy
Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them ready at all times in case of random
Barney encounters.

If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active mode, take these
steps:

*DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*
His eyes have power. He uses thhem to possess people. If you gaze too long
upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and soul. The effect isn't as
obvious on T.V., at least not with adults. In person, however.... Well, just
wear a welding mask.

*DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*
For one thing, he's a BAD singer, and he steals his riffs. The real danger
comes, however, from the seductive quality of his Song Of Entrapment:

I love you....
Etc...
Etc...
Won't you say you love me too?

If you DO say you love him, or worse, sing the next verse, then he OWNS your
soul and all its accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.

*ACT CASUAL.*
Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an autograph for
your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you can get him to sign an
agreement to leave mortals alone for all eternity.  (NOTE: Your pen MUST be
filled with blood for this to work.) While he is not really likely to fall
for a cheap stunt like this, it's certainly worth a try, unless you're
worried about him sucking up your soul like jello through a Hoover. Which
he'll do.

*DESTROY HIM.*
Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect a thing.  The
following methods will certainly annilihate most creatures of darkness:

1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a crucufix, saying "Hey? Hey? Hey? Big
fella?"

2) Blow pepper at him. Have a priest ready to say "Bless you," when he
sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get Barney-bits all over you.

3) Blow his face off with a flare gun. Still got that welding mask on?

4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive.  Otherwise he'll
suck out your soul like bilge through a pump.)

5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?

6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a 3-D picture
of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE
GLASS, with a bag over your head, while singing "Amazing Grace", in a month
with a "K" in it. (Note: The sword MUST be blessed by His Holiness the Pope.
Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)

One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to field test any
of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh. All of the above applies to
HIM, too.

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From: szebra!engr.LaTech.edu!ksg (Kenneth S. Guillory)
Subject: Barney, a testimonial


There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our wrongs and
take whatever actions necessary to correct our misdoings.  Barney the
dinosaur is one of the most hideous creations of modern American culture and
as such, he MUST be destroyed.  The termination of Barney must therefore
become a goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we
protect our children and stop his evil reign!

I solute you brave founders of the Anti-Barney League, and I want to offer
my support for your cause.

My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials while
eating breakfast one morning.  "He's big, He's purple, He's your best
friend. He's BARNEY!!" kept echoing through my mind as I stood in horror,
helplessly entranced by the dancing purple mass on my TV. At that moment, I
heard a noise outside which disturbed the evil spell long enough for me to
break free and realize what was happening.  It was then I became aware that
no one was safe, and that I must find others.

FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE - Just turn down volume
on the TV the next time Barney appears.  Striped of his music ( such as the
'I love you, you love me' brainwash chant, one of his most powerful spells )
Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try
this, you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently moving
its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you.  After a moment to recover
your composure, you too will realize what must be done.

Remember my friends, He's Big.  He's Purple.  He must be destroyed.

----
Shane Guillory                     Dept of Biomedical Engineering
ksg@engr.latech.edu                  Louisiana Tech University

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If you wish to submit material to the ABL newsletter send mail to
Kill-Barney-Submit@spectrx.saigon.com, and to send any comments mail
system@spectrx.saigon.com.

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Your burden is now: 0.000 


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1. .QWK File Transfer
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[1] [General] ://DID'NT YOU HAVE A TIMEBANK?


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1. .QWK File Transfer
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3. Birthdays
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8. Top U/L & D/L
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10. Head to Head Nuclear Scare
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[1] [General] ://I'LL FIX IT WHEN YOU LOG OFF.


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AZIEDREV.ZIP:  149k :?????
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ACIDBAT .ZIP:   29k :??????
AIRWOLF2.ZIP:   31k :??????
AUDIOVIS.ZIP:   59k :???????
AXELF2  .ZIP:   65k :Axel-F MOD
AZIEDREV.ZIP:  149k :?????
BARBRIAN.ZIP:  131k :?????
BLUE3   .ZIP:   63k :???
CHEERS  .ZIP:   48k :Cheers theme song
CONTROLL.ZIP:  116k :???
COOL    .MOD:  176k :.MOD The Theme to Cool World GREAT!
ECSTASY .ZIP:   80k :???
FRENDFOE.ZIP:   44k :???
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JBROWN  .ZIP:  138k :kdjhgds;
MANDLFRC.ZIP:   45k :?????
MODPLAY .ZIP:   14k :Plays .MOD files on PC Speaker
NIRVANA .ZIP:   50k :Smells like teen spirit
PC-TALK .ZIP:  190k :Lets you 
RAPPSTAN.ZIP:   51k :?????
VP20    .ZIP:   77k :A mod player that I kinda like.


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Download -

What file? *.*

Filename   : acidbat.zip
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File size  : 29k
Apprx. time: 00:02:35
Uploaded on: 09/27/93
Uploaded by: Cosmo #1
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