--------------------------------------
+    Long Distance Companies! Ha!    +
+                                    +
+                By:                 +
+                                    +
+              Phobos                +
+                                    +
+   One of the Many Phringe Philes   +
+   all located at The Same Place:   +
+                                    +
+       The Lunatic Phringe BBS      +
+     312-965-3677  300/1200 Baud    +
+-------------------------------------


       Remember the good old days, 
when we all belonged to the same
telephone company and phones were
PHONES- black heavy objects that were
routinely used in the movies as
murder weapons [Try THAT with one of
today's phones!]

       Also, they were permantly
attatched to your house, and only
trained Telephone Company Personnel
could install them. This involved
attaching four wires, but the
Telephone Company always made it 
sound like brain surgery. It was 
part of the mistique. When you called
for your installation appointment,
the Telephone Company would say, "We
will have an installer in your area
between the hours of 9 a.m. Oct 3 and
the following spring. Will someone
be at home?"  And you would say
"Yes," if you wanted a phone.  You
would stay at home, the anxious
hours ticking by, and you would wait
for your Phone Man. It was as close 
as most people came to experiencing
what heroin addicts go through,
the difference being that heroin 
addicts have the option of going to
another supplier. Phone customers
didn't. They feared the Power of 
the Telephone Company.

     I remember, about 5 years ago,
My dad obtained a Hot Phone. He
hooked it up downstairs after 
running a wire from out legally
wall mounted phone, to the basement.
This gave my friends and I the
capability of calling for a pizza
without leaving the T.V. and
couches downstairs. But we lived 
in fear because we knew we were
breaking a rule, not a local, state
or federal rule, but a Telephone
Company rule. At any moment, agents
of the Telephone Company, 
accompanied by heavy black dogs,
might burst through the door and
seize the Hot Phone and write our
names down, and we would never be
allowed to have phone service
again. And the dogs would seize
our pizza.

      So, the old Telephone Company
could be tough, but at least you 
knew where you stood. You never had
to think about your consumer long
distance options. Wherees today you
cannot turn on the television
without seeing Cliff Robertson
standing in some pathetic, rural
community with a name like EYE
SOCKET, or PIG s***!, or DUST
BOWL GULTCH, telling you that if
you don't go with his phone company,
you won't be able to call people in
rural areas like this, (I'm sure you
care) in case you ever had a reason
to, such as you suddenly needed
information about heifers.  Which
sounds reasonable, but then Burt
Lancaster tells you what a jerk you
are if you go with Cliff Because it
costs more. But that's exactly what
Joan Rivers says about Burt! And 
what about Liz? Surely Liz has a
phone company!

     So, it is very confusing, and 
yet you are expected somehow to make
the right consumer choice. They want 
you to fill out a BALLOT. And if you
don't fill it out, they're going to
ASSING YOU A RANDOM TELEPHONE
COMPANY. Only God knoes what you 
could wind up with. You could wind
up with the Soviet Union Telephone
Company. You could wind up with one
of those phone companies where you
have to crank the phone, like on
"Lassie,", or end up with your
phone out on top of a 30 foot pole,
like on "Green Acers", and the
operator is always listening in,
including when you call the doctor
regarding intimate homorrhoidal
matters.

     So you had better fill out
your Ballot. I reccommend that you
go with Jim & Ed's Telephone 
Co. & Radiator Repair. I say this
because Jim and Ed feature a 
service contract whereby you pay
a flat $15.00 a month, and if you
have a problem, Jim or Ed will
come out to your house (Jim is
preferable because after 10 a.m.
Ed likes to drink Night Train
wine and shoot at religious lawn
statuary) and have some coffe with
you and tell you that he's darned
if HE can locate the problem, but
if he had to take a stab, he'd
guess it was probbably somewhere
in the wires.

