************************************** *PRESENTED TO YOU BY DANIAL MONAGHAN.* ************************************** * * * Good crowd..good crowd. I'm telling * you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok * now but last week I was in rough * shape.. you know. * * Why? I looked up my family tree and * found out I was the sap. * * I come from a stupid family. During * the civil war my great uncle fought * for the west! * * My father was stupid. He worked in a * bank and they caught him stealing * pens. * * When I was born..the doctor came out * to the waiting room and said to my * father.. "I'm very sorry. We did * everything we could..but he pulled * through." * * My mother had morning sickness after * I was born. * * My mother never breast fed me. She * told me that she only liked me as a * friend. * * My father carries around the picture * of the kid who came with his wallet. * * When I played in the sandbox the cat * kept covering me up. * * I could tell that my parents hated * me. My bath toys were a toaster and * a radio. * * Some dog I got too. We call him * Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in * every room. * * What a dog I got. His favorite bone * is in my arm! * * I worked in pet store and people * kept asking how big I'd get. * * One year they wanted to make me * poster boy.. for birth control. * * I remember the time I was kidnapped * and they sent back a piece of my * finger to my father. He said he * wanted more proof! * * My uncle's dying wish was to have me * sitting on his lap. He was in the * electric chair. * * I went to a phreak show and they let * me in for nothing. * * I stuck my head out the window and * got arrested for mooning! * * Once when I was lost.. I saw a * policeman and asked him to help me * find my parents. I said to him.."Do * you think we'll ever find them." He * said.."I don't know kid.. there are * so many places they can hide." * * I remember I was so depressed I was * going to jump out a window on the * tenth floor.. so they sent a priest * up to talk to me. He said.."On your * mark..." * * On Halloween..the parents send their * kids out looking like me. * * Last year.. one kid tried to rip my * face off! * * Now it's different.. when I answer * the door the kids hand me candy. * * When my old man wanted sex.. my * mother would show him a picture of * me. * * I had a lot of pimples too. One day * I fell asleep in a library. I woke * up and a blind man was reading my * face. * * My wife made me join a bridge club. * I jump off next tuesday. * * One time I went to a hotel. I asked * the bellhop to handle my bag. He * felt up my wife! * * It's tough to stay married. My wife * kisses the dog on the lips..yet she * won't drink from my glass! * * Last week my tie caught on fire. * Some guy tried to put it out with an * axe! * * For two hours..some guy followed me * around with a pooper scooper. * * I met the surgeon general. He * offered me a cigarette! * * This morning when I put on my under * wear I could hear the Fruit of the * Loom guys laughing at me. * * A travel agent offered me a 21 day * special. He told me I would fly * from New York to London. Then from * Tokyo back to New York.I asked him.. * "How am I supposed to get from * London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That * is why we give you 21 days." * * Another travel agent told me I could * spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days.. * just nights. * * My problem is that I appeal to * everyone that can do me absolutly no * good. * * They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy * self." What am I supposed to do? * Jerk him off too? * * At christmas time I sat on santa's * lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a * present he gave me! * * My sex life is terrible. My wife put * a mirror over the dogs bed. * * Actually she did put the mirror over * our bed. She says she likes to watch * herself laugh. * * I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a * peeping tom booing me. * * My wife only has sex with me for a * purpose. Last night she used me to * time an egg. * * I asked my wife if she would put out * the garbage. She said.."Why should * I.. you never put out for me." * * I asked her if she enjoys a * cigarette after sex.She said.."No.. * one drag is enough." * * I got myself good this morning too. * I did my push ups in the nude..but I * didn't see the mouse trap. * * A girl phoned me and said.."Come on * over there's nobody home." I went * over. Nobody was home! * * A hooker once told me she had a * headache. * * I went to message parlor. It was * self service. * * My only thrill is self inflicted * hickies. * * If it weren't for pick-pocketers i'd * have no sex life at all. * * I was making love to this girl and * she started crying. I said.."Are you * going to hate yourself in the * morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate * myself now." * * She was no bargain either. She * showed up with pigtails under her * arms. * * She was fat and ugly. She was so fat * that... * * - She got on the scale and a card * came out saying.. "One at a time." * - Her bath tub has stretch marks. * - Her belly button makes an echo. * - She has her own postal code. * - She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS" * bra. * - She has a dress with a sign on * the back saying.. "Caution wide * load." * - Her clothes are made by Omar the * tent maker. * - When guys have sex with her they * ask for directions. * - One day I ran into her with my * car. She asked me why I didn't * ride around her. I told her that * I didn't think I had enough gas. * - Her bikini is made out of two bed * bed sheets. * - When guys eat her out they ask for * provisions for the trip. * - Her mother ripped when she had * her. * - She uses a septic tank for a * toilet. * * She was so ugly that... * * - She was known as a two bagger. * That's when a girl is so ugly that * you put a bag over your head in * case the bag over her head breaks. * - I bent down to pet her cat only * to find that it was the hair on * her legs. * - I took her to a dog show and she * won first prize. * - They use her in prisons to cure * sex offenders. * - I took her to the top of the * Empire State building and planes * started to attack her. * - She looks like she came second in * a hatchet fight! * - The last time I saw a mouth like * hers it had a hook on the end of * it. * - She has a face like a saint. A * saint bernard! * * I was tired one night and I went to * the bar to have a few drinks. The * bartender asked me.. "What'll you * have?" I said.."surprise me." He * showed me a naked picture of my * wife. * * During sex my wife always wants to * talk to me. Just the other night she * called me from a hotel. * * My marriage is on the rocks again. * Yeah..my wife just broke up with her * boyfriend. * * One day..as I came home early from * work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I * said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are * you doing that for?" He said.. * "Because you came home early." * * I went to look for a used car. I * found my wife's dress in the back * seat! * * Once in a restuarant I made a toast * to her.."The best woman a man ever * had." The waiter joined me. * * Its been a rough day. I got up this * morning..put on a shirt and a button * fell off. I picked up my breifcase * and the handle came off. I'm afraid * to go to the bathroom! * * I had a problem. I tried group sex. * Now I have a new problem...I don't * know who to thank! * * My friends and I played a new * version of Russian roulette. We * passed around six girls and one of * them had VD. * * I went to see my doctor.. you know * him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I * told him once.. "Doctor.. every * morning when I get up and look in * the mirror..I feel like throwing up; * what's wrong with me?" He said.."I * don't know but your eyesight is * perfect." * * I remember when I swallowed a bottle * of sleeping pills. He told me to * have a few drinks and get some rest. * * I told him I think my wife has VD. * He gave himself a shot of * penicillin. * * I told my dentist my teeth are going * yellow. He told me to wear a brown * necktie. * * He found a new way to cover up his * bad breath...he holds up his arms. * * Why every time he smokes..he blows * onion rings. * * My physchiatrist told me I'm going * crazy. I told him.. "If you don't * mind I'd like a second opion. "He * said.."Alright..you're ugly too." * * I was so ugly..my mother used to * feed me with a sling shot! * * When I was born the doctor took one * look at my face...turned me over and * said.. "Look...twins!" * * And we were poor too. Why if I * wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing * to play with!