Note: The Truly Tasteless BBS has the pleasure of providing you with the following humor. Please direct any updates, comments, improvements, etc. to TTT BBS at (415)-364-4339, or by mail at 1583 Cordilleras Road, Redwood City, CA 94062 Thanks! Richard Lane Sysop ########################################################################## Jack and Jill were hired by a big computer corporation. They worked there for about half a year until hard times hit the company. The boss was forced to lay people off until it he got to Jack and Jill's department. Jack was on his coffee break, so the boss told Jill: "I'm sorry, Jill. But I'm gonna have to lay you or Jack off." "Well I'm sorry too," replied Jill. You're gonna have to jack off cause I have a headache!" THE REAL REASON STEVIE WONDER AND RAY CHARLES WEAR DARK GLASSES IS NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE BLIND... BOTH HAVE BLUE EYES! WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FAT PERSON AND A VIRGIN ??? --- ONE IS TRYING TO DIET AND THE OTHER IS DYING TO TRY IT. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WOMAN WITH A YEAST INFECTION ? A QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE An aggie goes into a bar. He orders two beers, drinks one and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more , drinks one and pours the other on his hand. He does it a third time. The bartender asks him why he drinks one and pours the other on his hand. He says, "I feel like getting drunk tonight and I want my date to get drunk too! How does a jew say fuck you? Trust me. What's green, five miles long and has a thousand legs with an I.Q. of 3? A New York City St. Patrick's day parade. How do you babysit black kid's? Put velcro on the ceiling and tell them to jump on the bed. How do you get them down? Invite the mexican kids over for a pinata party! What`s the difference between jews and pizza's? Pizzas don't scream when you put 'em in an oven. How can you tell a rich Ethiopian? He`s the one with the rolex around his waist. What's Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable? James Brady What do you call an ethiopian with buck teeth? A rake. What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen. The poor guy walks up to the rich guy's house. He's down on his luck and needs some money. He rings the doorbell. "Hi there, I'm down on my luck, need some money, and I was wondering if you have any work I could do for you?" The rich Guy decides to give him a break, and says: "Sure, my porch needs painting. I'll pay you 50 dollars to do it for me." "Sure thing, Mister, I'll get started right away!" Time passes, until... "Hey Mister, I'm all done painting!" "Well, here's your 50 dollars" "Thanks, and by the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche." What do you call two gays named Bob? Oral Roberts. Have you heard of the two Irish Gays? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. Did you hear about the man who spent the day at the beach throwing rocks at the birds? He didn't quit until he left no tern unstoned. There once was a chap named Perlmutter Who late one night was heard to utter, "If her Bartholin glands Don't respond to my hands, I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." Economists give their GNP growth forecasts to the nearest tenth of a percentage point just to show they have a sense of humor. The Golden Rule: Those with the Gold make the Rules. Self-describing economic theory: The Laffer Curve. Tanstaafl. How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The Bible says nothing of light bulbs, so they must be a tool of the devil. Takes one to light a new candle, though. Why did the fundamentalist cross the road? To get on God's side. Why are fundamentalists against any kind of sex other than procreation? They can't enjoy it so why should we have all the fun? Why do fundamentalists have church on TV? Cause they're afraid to go in person. Why do fundamentalists have no sense of humor? Because they take everything literally. here's some good stuff from the Ninth Annual Young Comedians Special: DID YOU HEAR THAT ALL THE MEMBERS OF THE POLISH ICE HOCKEY TEAM WERE TRAGICALLY LOST?--THEY WERE KILLED DURING SPRING TRAINING. ............................................................... I WAS THINKING...WHY SPEND ALL THAT MONEY ON "KRYSTAL" THE NEW PERFUME DESIGNED TO CAPTURE LINDA EVANS' SCENT WHEN YOU COULD DO THE SAME THING WITH A CAN OF TUNA!? What does the JAP do with her asshole every morning? - Sends him off to work, of course.... WHY HAVE ALL THE ALLIGATOR'S IN FLORIDA BEEN DYING? SEEMS THEY HAVE CONTRACTED GATORAIDES!!!!! There has been a lot of publicity recently regarding Johnny Carson's joke contrasting parrots and Nevada women. In further- ance of my aim to provide complete (and unbiased) reports, I have learned that many other states were the butts of Johnny's jokes. Some of them follow: Q:? What is the difference between a Wisconsin farmer and Wis- consin Cheese? A: One is old, smelly and moldy and the other goes good on crackers. Q:? Why do all the college football fields in Ohio have artif- icial turf? A:It prevents the cheerleaders from grazing on the fields after the games. Q:? Why do Kentuckians no longer put ice in their drinks? A: They lost the recipe. Q:? What is the difference between a werewolf and a girl from Tennessee? A:Werewolves are hairy only when the moon is full. ...I only report them, I don't write them. WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A WHORE THAT WEARS BRACES AND AN ELECTRIC DRILL? ANSWER....A BLACK AND DECKER PECKER WRECKER. What's grey & comes in quarts? Elephants What do elephants use for condoms? Blimps What did the elephant say to the naked man? How can you breathe through that tiny thing? An elephant walks into a bar...bounces off. Why are there so many elephant jokes? Because they're so thick-skinned. What's red and white on the outside and grey and lumpy inside? Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup! There are two prisoners in the cell that have just been introduced to each other. --1st inmate-- "So buddy, what are you in here for" --2nd inmate-- "First degree murder!" "So, what are you in here for?" --1st inmate-- "Beastiality!" --2nd inmate-- "Wow! How low can you go!" --1st inmate-- "Hamsters!!!!!" We are all pretty upset, of course, about the fact that so few of America's allies go along with President Reagan's ban on business deals with the Libyans. West Germany is the biggest disappointment, but then the Germans have always had a weakness for insane dictators. A young man was fishing off a pier and an older one joined him. "Howdy stranger," began the elder, "what brings you to these parts?" "Well, it's my honeymoon." responded the younger. "Well, if it's your honeymoon, shouldn't you be in the cabin with the missus, if you know what I mean?" "Can't," responded the fisherman, "she's got gonnorhea." "Well, I say, I mean, couldn't you, um, sort of, er, flip her over?" "Nope, she's also got diarrhea." "Er, um, you could, ulp, use her mouth, couldn't you?" "Uh-uh. She's got pyorrhea, you know, gum disease." "Well, what the hell did you marry her for?" Casting his line over the water he responded, "She's also got worms, and they're great for fishing." ############################## Proof that all odd numbers are prime, various approaches: Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, therefore by induction, all odd numbers are prime. Alternate mathematician's proof: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime, neither is 15, therefore not all not odd numbers are not prime; applying the contrapositive, the original lemma holds. Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9--experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...therefore all odd numbers are prime. Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime... Philosopher: 3 is prime, therefore all odd numbers are prime. Lawyer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 11 is prime... Programmer: Damn, can't find my sieve routine. Politician: 3 is prime, uh, what comes next? ########################################## A management consulting company was hired during the war to find a way to defeat the Germans. In particular, the German U-Boats were the area that made them so dangerous. The firm did come up with a solution worthy of their business, though: BOIL THE OCEAN! WHY DON'T JEWISH HUSBANDS EVER GET HEAD FROM THEIR WIVES? BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHEWERS! A guy decides to take up skydivingas a sport. So he contacts a flight school and sets up the lessons. After taking the classes and practicing for a couple of weeks on the ground he is ready for his first flight. He takes off and is standing in the door of the plane checking over his gear to make sure it is all OK. They reach altitude and he jumps. As soon as he is clear he pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens! So he immediately pulls the cord for his reserve chute. Again nothing happens. As he looks down and see himself rushing toward the ground henotices another man flying straight up at him. As they pass he screams to the other guy "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?" To which the other guy replies "No , Do you know anything about a gas stove?" WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOLDUP AND A STICKUP? YOUR AGE. ................................................................ WHY DID THE GREEK BOY LEAVE HOME? HE DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY HE WAS BEING REARED. ................................................................ HOW CAN YOU IDENTIFY AN OLD MAN IN THE DARK? IT'S NOT HARD. ................................................................ DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 101 YR OLD MAN ARRESTED FOR RAPE? HE WAS CHARGED WITH ASSAULT WITH A DEAD WEAPON. A Jew and a Chinaman are at a bar. They get to talking about Pearl Harbor. The Jew starts blaming the incident at Pearl Harbor on the Chinaman. The Chinaman responds, "I am Chinese, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor." Then the Jew says, "Japanese, Chinese, they're all the same to me. Later, the two start talking about the sinking of the Titanic. The Chinaman starts blaming the Jew for this incident. The Jew responds, "Jews didn't sink the titanic, an iceberg did." Then the Chinaman says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, they're all the same to me." Old Jokes from the Deep SouthPX.z: What do riding a Jap motorcycle and having sex with a fat girl have in common? It feels great until somebody sees you! . A Boy Scout, a priest, and Jesse Jackson are on a plane during the '84 elections. The pilot informs them that the plan is going to crash and that they all have to bail out immeadiately(sp). The problem is that there's only 2 parachutes. Jesse Jackson grabs one and says "I'm the smartest black in the world! I've got to live so my Rainbow Coalition can elect me President!" and jumps out the plane. The Priest and the Boy Scout Look at each other for a moment. Finally, the priest says "Son, I've lived all my life in God's service, and your's is just beginning. You take the last parachute." The Boy Scout says, "That's OK, the smartest black man in the world just jumped out with my knapsack!" Q: How do French Girls hold their liquor? A: By the ears. A black man goes to the unemployment office. The counselor tells him they have a scanner that determines what job will best suit him, and leads him to a booth. "A tape will come out with code letters on it, and you just bring this tape to me when it's finished. Now I can't stay in the booth with you because it will read both of us and get confused." So the black guy waits in the booth, a light comes on, and a scanning device starts moving around his body. The tape with code letters starts coming out the the machine. The first letters are B I M M. "Bimm? What be Bimm? I know, I be working for Bimm Corporation. Alright!" Now the second line of code comes out: H Y . "H Y? Hawaii! I be working for Bimm Corporation in Hawaii!" The third line now emerges, B A R . "Hot damn! I be tending bar in Hawaii for Bimm!" And then another line: T P C T . "T P C T? What that? I know! Ten Percent! I be getting ten percent tending bar in Hawaii for Bimm!" The COMPLETE light turns on, so he leaves the booth and saunters over to the counselor with the tape, grinning from ear to ear. "I know what this code means! I be working for Bimm Corporation in Hawaii, tending bar and I get ten percent!" The counselor looks at the tape: B I M M H Y B A R T P C T "Well, no, Mr. Jackson, that's not what it means. What it means is Be In Memphis Monday Have Your Black Ass Ready To Pick Cotton Tuesday" ############################### Did you hear what J.C. Penney's did to celebrate Martin Luthur King Day They had a WHITE sale!!! A Russian and a Pole were college roommates, and stayed in touch when the Pole returned to his native land. Ten years go by and the Russian happens to find himself in Warsaw, so he calls his friend up. They get together at the Pole's country place, drink imported French wine, and admire original artwork. The Russian is surprised at the Pole's trappings of success and asks how he made out so well. "You see, Ivan, being a civil engineer does not require living poorly? See that bridge out there?" he asked, pointing, "I ordered three times as much steel as I needed, and sold the rest on the black market. That's how I can manage to live so comfortably." The Russian thinks the matter over on his way home. Ten more years go by, and the Pole finds himself in Moscow for the Fourth Five-Year-Plan Congress of Civil Engineers, and runs into his dear friend Ivan. Ivan insists on taking Jerzy to his dachau, and it is three times bigger than Jerzy's. They sip 1959 Cognac, feast on Maine Lobster and Argentine beef, and admire rare first-edition books, many officially banned. "I've got to hand it to you Jerzy, your suggestions worked wonders." "I'm stunned! How did you get away with this much money?" "Easy Jerzy, just look out the window at that bridge." "WHAT bridge?" "Exactly." Jim McMahon has aids...seems he put his meat in the Refrigerator. Lady to bank teller: "I'd like to deposit this $100 bill in my account. Teller to lady: "I'm sorry ma'am, this is counterfeit." Lady: "My God, I've been raped." In the best whorehouse in town, a man in a plaid jacket enters. "I'm Larry the Lumberjack and I'm the toughest, meanest SOB on the planet and I want a woman as tough as I am down here in two minutes with six bottles of Henry Weinhart's beer and I want to be left alone with her. Two minutes later, BIG Bertha plants six bottles of Henry's on the night stand, takes off her clothes, and gets on all fours on the floor. Larry says, "Durn it woman, I want to do it on the bed like a man and woman, not on the floor like a dog!" Bertha replies, "I gotcha mac, I just thought you might want to open them beers first." A LADY GETS INTO A CAB IN N.Y.C. STARK NAKED AND ASKS THE CABBY TO TAKE HER TO 46TH & 8TH AV. HE SAYS,"LADY HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PAY FOR THIS?" SHE SAYS,"WITH THIS!" & POINTS TO HER PUSSY. HE SAYS "DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING SMALLER?" THE POLICE STATION WAS ROBBED LAST NIGHT. ALL THE TOILET SEATS WERE STOLEN AND THE COPS HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON. A BLIND MAN IS WALKING AROUND A DEPARTMENT STORE WITH HIS GUIDE DOG. SUDDENLY HE PICKS UP THE DOG AND WHIRLS HIM AROUND BY HIS TAIL. A HORRIFIED SALES CLERK RUNS OVER. "CAN I HELP YOU SIR" SHE ASKS. "NO I'M JUST LOOKING AROUND." EL AL = EVERY LANDING ALWAYS LATE TAP = TAKE ANOTHER PLANE KLM = KOOKY LANDING MACHINERY PAN AM = PRICES ARE NOT ALWAYS MODERATE USAIR = UN SAFE AS IN RUIN TWA = TAKE WHATEVER'S AVAILABLE BOAC = BLOODY OLD AIR CRAP CAAC = CHANCES ARE ANYTHING'S CHOICER PSA = PRETTY SHITTY AIRLINE AIRCAL = AM I REALLY CARING ARRIVING LATE? UAL = UNUSUALLY ABOMINABLE LANDINGS BEA = BEST EVASIVE ACTION JAL = JUST ABOUT LOST AA = AVOID ALL QUANTAS = QUITE UNLIKE ANY NORMAL TYPE AIRCRAFT, SUCKER AEROFLOT = ALMOST EVERYONE RETCHES ONCE FINISHED LANDING ON THIS LIAT = LUGGAGE IN ANOTHER TERMINAL LIAT = LEAVING IN ANY TIME What is the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis..... Why do JAP'S get married?--Because vibrators can't take them shopping. ...................................................................... How did Helen Keller meet her husband?--On a blind date, of course. A man was driving through an unfamilar city. He noticed in certain section of town, that women would come up to him at stoplights and say "Nookie Nookie Ten Fifty". This happened a few more times and this man being a bit naive wanted to find out what this meant. He spotted a convent along the road and thought they might have the answer. He knocked on the door and Mother Superior answered. He asked her what's nookie nookie? She said "Ten fifty, same as downtown". What's the difference between erotic and kinky? ---Using a feather is erotic, using the whole chicken is kinky. When you write a program that "learns"--it usually turns out thatyou do and it doesnt. If you are explaining your program and your listener nods his/her head--wake him/her up! Turning the obvious into the useful is a living definition of the word frustration. If more than one person worked on the program, no one will turn out to be responsible for the bug. It seems that when God was making the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified!! "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" But the Lord was very adamant; that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me". Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years; and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again man spoke up: "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten was sufficient, and again, man pleaded: "Can I have the other ten?" Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself. ############################# three strings were standing in front of a bar and were deciding wether or not to have a drink. The first says "You know they don't serve strings in this bar." The second says, "let's try anyway." So the first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bar tender says "Your a string. We don't serve strings here Get out of my bar" The second string goes in and asks for a drink and gets the same treatment. The third string decides that a disguise would help and makes a not at his neck to look like a tie and frays the end of the string to look like hair. He enters the bar and asks the bartender for a beer and the bartender serves him one. But the bartender thinks something is wrong and stares at the string for a while and comes over and says "Are you a string?" The string replies "No, I'm afraid not" Here is one for the road....... DID YOU KNOW BEER MADE PEOPLE SMART????? .......... IT MADE BUDWISER....HA HA REAL DUMB... RICHCOUPLE FELL ON HARD TIMES & NEEDED TO CUT COSTS HE:"IF YOU COULD COOK, WE COULD FIRE THE COOK SHE:"IF YOU COULD MAKE LOVE WE COULD FIRE THE CHAUFFER" HEAR ABOUT THE MAN WITH FIVE PENISES? HIS PANTS FIT LIKE A GLOVE You think you got troubles? I got in bed with some broad last week. She says "I didn't know you had such a tiny organ" I told her "I didn't know I was gonna play in a cathedral." Thankew and g'nite. Adam just got finished screwin' Eve for the first time. God yells down at him and says, "Hey, Adam...how was it?" Adam says "Hey, God...I think this sex deal is great...it's gonna really catch on. I had a blast." God says "Glad you like it...by the way, where's Eve?" Adam says "She's down at the river, douching." God says "Oh, GREAT. Now how'm I gonna get that smell out of the fish?" Thankyew. Thankyew. Yer a beautiful audience. Three flies were sitting on a urinal, then one got pissed off and left. How does a WASP man find his penis? He cuts his pubic hairs until one bleeds. SOME CURES FOR AIDS: EXTRA-STRENGTH TYLENOL JALISCO CHEESE CALIFORNIA WATERMELON A RIDE ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE Msg # 493 Dated 01-28-86 22:47:20 From: KARL PETER To: ALL Re: SHUTTLE CREW EVERYONE...LIKE SYSOP SAYS--SHOW SOME CHARACTER DON'T POST ANY JOKES ABOUT OUR LOST AMERICANS--PLEASE! RESPECT THEM. THANK YOU. KP,DVM>> WHAT DO YOU CALL A MEXICAN WITH A VASECTOMY? A DRY MARTINEZ. ............................................. HOW DO YOU MAKE A BULL SWEAT? GIVE HIM A TIGHT JERSEY. ............................................. HOW DO LUNATICS WALK THRU THE FOREST? ALONG THE PSYCHOPATH. ............................................. SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING ABOUT MY RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION... I'M A FRISBEETARIAN>> I BELIVE THAT WHEN YOU DIE, YOUR SOUL END UP ON THE ROOF OF THE HOUSE. When Quasimodo died, the priest posted notices all over town that he needed a new bell-ringer. No one in town wanted the job, since the hours were terrible and the working conditions lousy, so the priest got worried. One day an out-of-towner applied for the job. Problem was he had no arms, and the priest asked how he could ring the bells. "Just watch me!" he said, and they went up to the bell tower. Suddenly the man ran full tilt into the bell and struck it with his head, letting forth a majestic CLANGGG!! Well, the priest really needed a bell-ringer, and if this guy was going to do the job, however strangely, fine. So he was hired and dutifully rang the bells. One morning he came to the tower with a nasty hangover, and he was so out of it he couldn't see straight. So when he ran up to the bell to butt it with his head, he missed, went sailing out the window, and fell 250 feet to his death. The townspeople, not knowing who he was, got very concerned and gathered around his corpse. Along came the priest. "Father, do you know this man?" they asked. "No I don't. But, his face rings a bell." Well, the priest needed another bell-ringer, and, again, no one in town wanted the job. So when another armless out-of-towner applied, the priest hired him immediately. Sure enough, the man comes to work a week later with a hangover, misses the bell, and goes out the window and onto the cobblestones--SPLAT!! The townspeople remembered the other sad incident, and when the priest came, they asked if the mangled armless corpse was the same man as the last one. "No," replied the priest, "but he's a dead ringer!" 2 gays decide to have a baby. The one gets a sex change, becomes pregnant and the baby is born. When they go to the hospital nursery, they notice that all of the babys are crying except one. They ask the nurse which is their baby: she says the quiet one. One gay remarks 'Isn't it nice that our baby is so contented !'. The nurse says, "Oh yeah ? Wait 'till I take the pacifier out of his ass!"