On the subject of a person's sanity ----------------------------------- His elevator does not go all the way to the top. She's not playing with a full deck. He's only got one oar in the water. She's got a screw loose somewhere. He's not wrapped to tight. Her clutch slips sometimes. Ya know ... like ... all his dogs aren`t on the same leash. She's got bats in her belfry. He's a few bricks short of a full load. She dosen't have enough sandwiches for a picnic. He's your basic lights on, nobody home kinda guy. Her tree is missing some branches He's about a quart low. Her flag flaps upwind He's a charter member of the out-to-lunch bunch. Her top shelf's missing a few books He tends to loose arguments with himself. On fat or ugly -------------- And she knew she was too fat the day the policeman walked up to her on the street and said, "OK Lady, break it up!" He's so fat, he needs port and starboard running lights. She's ugly enough to make a freight train take a gravel road. He's so ugly he has to sneak up on a clock. She's so fat, she's gotta wear stripes so they can tell if she's walking or rolling. He's so ugly March of Dimes used him as poster child for birth control! She's got a starboard list On incompetence --------------- He's about as useless as a one legged man at an ass-kickin'. If brains was dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose. He makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine. She's about as usefull as tits on a bull. Him 'an a box of rocks got a lot in common. She's sharper than a basketball, sort of. He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag with a map She couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel. He couldn't pee a hole in the snow. She could get in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent and loose. As if being a half-wit wasn't bad enough, he has to be the wrong half. --- You've heard of MADD, SAD, etc., .... Have you heard of DAM? ..... That's Mothers Against Dyslexia. --- A QUALITY FAIRYTALE ------------------- Once a long time ago, in a Corporation far away, there were 5 employees. They were called Quality, Somebody, Anybody, Nobody, and Everybody. Everybody was the "Boss" of the Corporation. Quality was a hard-working and honest fellow and Everybody believed in Quality's job. Anybody was a well trained and capable individual (Everybody was always saying "Anybody can do that job!") but somewhat hard to locate (I can't find Anybody to do that job!). Nobody was the most junior member and tended to get all the unimportant jobs. In fact, Somebody (who was a general, all-around nice person) usually got the jobs that Nobody wanted. Somebody was by far the most useful employee in the Corporation (like Anyone will tell you, "Everybody needs Somebody sometime"). It came to pass that Quality got offered a better job in a far away place and left the Corporation. So Quality's job became vacant. Everybody naturally decided that Anybody could do Quality's job. Somebody pointed out to Everybody that even though Anybody was very capable, he was at best unreliable. Everybody grudgingly agreed and took over Quality's job himself. As it turned out, Everybody soon found himself too busy to do Quality's job (and besides it often led to Quality vs. Schedule conflicts). Everybody made an executive decision and delegated Quality's job to Somebody. The peace in the Corporation was shattered when it was discovered that Nobody was doing Quality's job. Everybody was shocked and angry and decided to call a meeting to find out what had happened. Everybody went around muttering that "Somebody should be fired." At the meeting, Everybody said that Anybody was free to comment on the subject but as it turned out Nobody did. Everybody then asked Somebody to explain what happened. Somebody worked up his courage and told his story. "Quality's job can be done by Anybody but because he's unreliable, Everybody agreed to do it. Everybody found himself too busy so he delegated Quality's job to me. I quickly found out that although Everybody feels Quality's job is important, he's not really interested so I decided to delegate the job to him. That's how Nobody ended up doing Quality's job." Everybody was furious... "How dare you do such a thing, without even telling me about it. Anybody will tell you that you can't delegate the job of Quality." Somebody stood his ground saying, "I only followed your example in delegating Quality's job." Nobody snickered. Everybody went red with anger and embarrassment and said, "Why can't I find Anybody to take responsibility for Quality's job?" Somebody shot back, "Why should Anybody be responsible for a job that Nobody is doing?" At last report, Anybody and Everybody were still arguing about who should do Quality's job. The moral of this long and twisted tale is this: "Even though Quality's job can be done by Anybody, Everybody must do it. If everybody tries to dump Quality's job on Somebody, then Nobody ends up doing it. All this will make Everybody very angry and Somebody might lose their job". Also, when you decide to define Quality's job, make sure that.... (1) Anybody can understand what's expected (2) Somebody is actually "doing" it (3) Everybody is responsible for it (4) Nobody is left out of it -- Self-Improvement Workshops Creative Suffering Overcoming Peace of Mind Guilt Without Sex The Primal Shrug Ego Gratification through Violence Holding Your Childs Attention through Guilt and Fear Dealing with Post Self-Realization Depression Whine Your Way to Alienation How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation Sex and the Single 6th Grader You and Your Birthmark Business and Career Workshops Money Can Make You Rich Talking Good: How You Can Improve Speech and Get a Better Job I Made $100 in Real Estate Packaging and Selling Your Child: A Parents guide to the Porn Market Career Opportunities in Iran How to Profit from Your Own Body Under-Achievers Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers Tax Shelters for the Indigent Looters Guide to American Cities Home Economics Workshops How You Can Convert Your Family Room into a Garage How to Cultivate Viruses in Your Refrigerator Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete Basic Kitchen Taxidermy Sinus Drainage at Home 101 Other Uses for Your Vacuum Cleaner The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy What to do with Your Conversion Kit Health and Fitness Workshops Creative Tooth Decay Exorcism and Acne The Joys of Hypochondria High Fiber Sex Suicide and Your Health Bio-Feedback and How to Stop It Skate Your Way to Regularity Understanding Your Nudity Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule Optional Body Functions Craft Workshops Self-Actualization Through Macrame How to Draw Genitalia Needlecraft for Junkies Cuticle Crafts Mobiles and Collages with Fetishes Gifts for the Senile Bonsai Your Pet Approved for Recertification ----------- list of oxymorons > >>"Happily Married" advanced basic airline food american culture athletic scolarship black light brave politician busines ethics central intelligence (agency) cerrful pessimist chili (the country and the food) communist party (talk about fun!) corporate planning covert U.S. operations in Central America Creationist Science Definite Maybe Fallout shelter good telivision (shows) high school education honest crook honest politician house ethic committee innocent women jumbo shrimp justice burger justice system (ouch!) libertarian organization liberty federation limited nuclear war logical thought long-island expressway management science military intelligence (sorry for all the duplications... eh?) moral majority never generalize!! New democartic party Nimitz freeway non-alcoholic beer plastic glasses? postal service (ha ha ha) pratical logic president reagan progressive conservative rapid transit resident visitor same difference social security student athlete super bowl (Xx = yawn!) sweet sorrow terribly pleased union craftsman united nations wise fool ----- An out-of-work salesman was once again pestering the manager of a local haberdashery for a job. The manager was tired of the persistent whining, so he made him a deal. "Look," he says to the salesman, "I'm going to lunch for about an hour. You see that suit in the corner?" The salesman gulped and replied, "Uh, the purple, yellow, and green one?" The manager said, "That's the one. If you can sell that suit while I'm gone to lunch, you get the job. If you don't sell it, you don't bother me about a job ever again. Deal?" The salesman was desperate, so he agreed. The manager went to lunch secure in the knowledge he had gotten rid of this pest once and for all. Upon his return from lunch, the salesman comes running up to him, exclaiming, "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" But the salesman is a mess! His clothes are torn, his face is scratched and bleeding, he's in terrible shape. The manager looks at him wryly and says, "Did the customer put up that much of a fight?" To which the salesman replies: "No, but his seeing eye dog sure was pissed!" ------ You want to quit? You've got to quit! We've got a method that is guaranteed. A lot of companies advertise hoaxes--silly pills, records to listen to while you sleep, hypnosis, acupuncture-- don't be fooled! You can stop! And for just $179.95! This is just what you've been waiting for... The Black & Decker Table Saw! Just slide your hands over it, and you'll never pick up a cigarette again. Listen to these happy customers: Morton Mumford: "The B&D Table Saw has changed my life!" Suzie Snodgrass: "I quit smoking in 2.3 seconds!" Johnny Jumper: "I didn't think it would work, but one treatment was all it took!" Danny Dingbat: "I haven't touched a cigarette since!" Order now and receive absolutely free, the Black & Decker Soldering Iron/Cauterizing Kit! Supplies are limited, so order now! Send $179.95 to +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Q. What do you get when a grand piano falls down a mine shaft ? A. A Flat Minor Q. What happened when the flat miner fell into a grand piano? A. He just picked out a tune. Q. What did the other miners yell down the shaft before the grand piano fell? A. B sharp or B flat! An addition to the no arms/no legs file: Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you use to open a door? A: Jimmy. Down in South Joisey there's a jernt owned by... well, by certain undisclosed individuals needing a channel by which moneys can be introduced into respectable commerce. The manager approaches Joe, the bandleader, early one evening. "Listen, Joe, Big Louie's comin' in later and he wants... he wants to sing." "Hey, man, we been playin' here every night for fourteen years. You oughta know don't nobody sing wit' us." "Joe, I'm talking about *Big Louie*. You get me?" "Oh, okay, boss. Whaddaya want us to do?" "You know `Strangers in the Night', right?" "Hey, you know we play that every night for the last fourteen years..." "Okay, but he wants you to do it in (pause) 5/4." "That's *ridiculous*! ... Well, okay..." So ten o'clock rolls around and sure enough, there's this big guy at the door with these other two big guys. He walks straight to the stage, says to Joe, "You know what to do, right?" "Riiight." Grabs the microphone... (Long pause for suspense) [Sing this part in 5/4] "Strangers in da fuckin' night, Exchangin' fuckin' glances, Strangers in da fuckin' night..." Well, maybe ya hadda be there. IS ENGLISH THE HARDEST LANGUAGE OF ALL? I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough. Others may stumble, but not you On hiccough, thorough, laugh, and through. And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword. Well done! And now if you wish, perhaps To learn of less familiar traps. Beware of heard, a dreadful word That looks like beard and sounds like bird. And dead: it's said like bed and not like bead-- For goodness sake don't call it deed. Watch out for meat and great and threat, They rhyme with suite and straight and debt. A moth is not a moth in mother, Nor both in bother, broth in brother. And here is not a match for there, And dear and fear for bear and pear. And then there's dose and rose and lose-- Just look them up--and goose and choose, And do and go, then thwart and cart. Come, come, I've hardly made a start! A dreadful language? Man alive! I'd mastered it when I was five. Heard at a party: There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he recieved a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much more better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you are wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy answered "Easy. You can't wear eye glasses. You don't have any f*cking ears!" -Bill Semanczuk -- Subject: some do's and don't do's for all you travellers < Signs of our times > In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American.