JOKEBOOK #1 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? A: By the taste. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did Tarzan yell when he saw the elephants coming? A: The elephants are coming!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did they stop the leper hockey game? A: There was a face off in the corner. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you sink a polish submarine. A: Knock on the door!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A: A damn good start. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a planeload of lawyers that goes down at sea with one seat empty? A: A Damn shame!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant? A: Wipe it off! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you recycle a condom?? A: You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is shit tapered at the ends? A: So your asshole doesn't slam shut! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's red and screams and goes around in circles? A: A Baby nailed to the floor. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is red and green and nailed to the floor? A: The same baby, six months later! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here in Kentucky, we're in the middle of deer hunting season, which means that the woods are full of people armed with weapons with a higher caliber than their IQ. Which brings to mind the story of the man who took his wife deer hunting (apologies to those who may be offended by the sexism - actually female deer hunters are no stupider than males). Anyway, they decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times, to summon him for assistance. They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint. She said "It was just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man says its his." The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, I would just like to get my saddle back." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q:Why did the pervert cross the road? A: Because he was stuck to the chicken. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The other day this guy came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy his old '57 Chevy convertible. I thought it was a pretty good looking car and so I offered him 50 female pigs and 50 male deer. The guy looked at me kind of crazy like and started to mutter under his breath. I asked him what's the matter, don't you want a hundred sows and bucks? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Roses are red, And ready for plucking, She's fifteen, And ready for ... High school. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a song sung to a girl... I love you in blue, I love you in red, But most of all baby, I love you in... Blue. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this lady walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. A drunk at the bar looks up and says, "That's the ugliest pig I ever saw!". The lady says, "You stupid drunk. That's not a pig, that's a duck!". And the drunk says, "I was talking to the duck." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? A: Because if they dragged them by the feet they would fill up with rocks. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were two morons that wanted to go hunting. They went out into the woods and after a while decided to split up. One went one way and the other went another way. As this joke would have it, one of the morons shot the other moron by mistake. The moron that shot his friend was very upset and so he took the friend to the hospital. When he saw the doctor, he asked how his friend was doing and if he was going to live. The doctor replied, "He would have been fine if you hadn't have gutted him first." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- This man walked into the bar and said to the bartender, "Let me tell you this joke about dumb jocks." The bartender replied, "Listen, bud, I don't think that would be a good idea. See those two guys over in the corner booth? They used to play for the Dallas Cowboys. And those three guys at the end of the bar used to wrestle professionally. Also, I used to play professional hockey." The man then replied, "Forget it, I don't have time to explain it to all six of you." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to grow". So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy a bottle of pills. An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc says, "Take 3 of these a day." "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves. Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says, "Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves. The next day all three guys come into the office. 1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!" 2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behingd me!" Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the square root of 69? A: 8 something. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- This old man rambles into a bar and shuffles up to the counter. He leans over the counter and says to the bartender "I'll gouge my eye out for $25." The bartender says, "I'm game," so the old man pops out a fake eye with a big grim and takes the $25. Then he says, "For $50 I'll bite my other eye." The bartender then says, "You must have at least one good eye, so I'm in." So the old man pulls out his dentures and moves them in a biting motion over his other eye and takes the money. The old man then says "For ..." The bartender cuts in and says, "I'm not going to pay you to do anything else." So the old man shuffles of to the back room. About thirty minutes later he comes back up to the bartender and says, "I'm going to give you a chance to get your money back. I'll bet you $100 That I can pee into a shot glass on one end of the bar from the other end of the bar." The Bartender thinks this over and agrees to it. So the bartender puts a shotglass at one end and the old man stands up on the other end a pulls it out and starts peeing all over the bar, stools, and even the bartender. The bartender jumps up for joy knowing that he has just won his hundred when he notices the old man laughing. He asks the old man why he is laughing and the old man says, "I just bet two men in the back $500 that I could pee all over you and the bar and have you like it." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: If there were three Santa's on a roof, how could you tell which one was an Aggie? A: The one with the Easter basket! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- --->>> T H E R U L E S <<<--- 1. The female ALWAYS makes the rules. 2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice. 3. No Male can possibly know all the rules. 4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately change all or some of the rules. 5. The female is NEVER wrong. 6. If the female seems to be wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunder- standing which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong. 7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female can change her mind at any given time. 9. The male must NEVER change his mind without the prior written consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must NEVER, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. Any attempt to document these rules by the male, could result in sever bodily harm. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was once a little boy ... He was at home one day and he heard some moaning and groaning coming from his mother's bedroom. He hastily peeked through the keyhole and saw his mother lying on the bed, naked, rubbing herself and saying "I need a man, God, I need a man!" The boy saw this ritual several times, until one day he peeked through the keyhole and saw a man on top of her. He immediately ran to his room, took off all his clothes, and rubbed himself while saying: "I need a bike, I need a bike!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know when your girlfriend/wife/lover is too fat? A: When she keeps her vibrator in the gun rack! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did they do with the dead Texan that was too big to fit in a coffin? A: Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Tom Neukam) This text ACTUALLY came out of an IBM service database. Of course it's referring to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse ... Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Text: Mouse Balls are now available as a FRU. If a mouse fails to operate or should perform erratically, it may be in need of ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only. Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional items. P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does an Irish seven-course meal consists of? A: A six pack and a potato. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What has 300 legs and seven teeth? A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the best thing about Alzheimer's disease? A: You meet so many new people. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't elephants pick their nose? A: Cuz there's nowhere to hide a 6 foot booger! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog and, for no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor mutt around and around. A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?" And the blind man replies, "No thanks, just looking!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- During a recess in the proceedings, three delegates to an international agriculture convention sat down for cocktails, and before long, they began to discuss methods for driving their wives wild. The French delegate volunteered that he always picked a few roses from the garden, spread the petals on his wife's body, then gently blew them off before making love. The Englishman declared that before making love to his wife, he would massage her with hot oil. The two Europeans then turned to the Texan and asked him his secret. "Well," he said, "after the wife and I get it on, I hop outta bed and wipe my dick on the curtains. That, gents, drives her wild!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ... And that kind of reminds me of one time that I was in a steak house in Austin. Guy came in and sat at the table next to us and ordered a sirloin. The waitress asked him how he wanted it and he answered, "Knock off its horns, wipe its a** and walk it through the kitchen." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a sheep hauler going through Wyoming??? A: A pimp. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three grade-school children learned how to swear from their friends at school. Thinking highly of their accomplishment, they decided to try it out at home, choosing the next morning's breakfast to show off their newly acquired skill. As they sit down at the breakfast table, their mother turns to the oldest child and asks what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell, I think I'll have some damn cheerios," he replies, whereupon mother whacks him a good one upside the head. Somewhat irritated, she turns to the next child and asks him what he wants. "Ah, hell, I'll have some of them f**king cheerios, too," is his answer, whereupon he also gets whacked dizzy. In utter disgust, the mother turns to the youngest child and repeats her question in a clearly angry tone of voice. The child replied "I sure as hell ain't going to have them f***ing cheerios!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you have when you've got a mothball in your right hand, and a mothball in your left hand? A: A BIG moth! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: You have a small green ball in your left hand. You also have another one in your right hand. What do you have? A: Kermit's FULL attention. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: If you put two nuts on a wall, what do you have? A: Walnuts. Q: If you put two nuts on two peas, what do you have? A: Peanuts. Q: If you put two nuts on your chin, what do you have? A: Chin nuts. No ... You have a dick in your mouth! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mary had a little lamb, She kept in her backyard, When she took her panties off, His woolly dick got hard. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chip and Dale were eating nuts one day and arguing over what kind of tree they were sitting in. About that time Woody Woodpecker flies by and hears the commotion. Says Woody, "I'll settle the argumant." "O.k.," said the squirrels. So Woody finds himself a good perch and proceeds to peck away. After quite awhile, too exhausted to continue, he finishes. Chip and Dale, excited to find out who's right, ask him, "Well, what is it?" Says Woody, "I don't know what you were arguing about - that was the best piece of ash I ever stuck my pecker in." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day Dirty Ernie is playing with his train set. The little train came around to the little station and stopped. So Ernie said, "All the people getting off the train, get off the fucking train; all the people getting on, get on the fucking train". So, the train goes around the little track and back into the station. Ernie says again, "All the people getting off the train, get off the fucking train; all the people getting on, get on the fucking train." Well, Ernie's mother had heard enough! "Ernie, go to your room. No dinner tonight!" After dinner, Ernie's mother went upstairs to his room. "Well Ernie, I think you learned your lesson; you can go play with your trains." Ernie plays, the train pulls up to the little station. Says Ernie, "All the people getting on the train, get on the train; all the people getting off the train, get off. Anyone who wants to know why we are late tonight, ask the fucking bitch in the kitchen." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator? A: An epileptic. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Who's the patron saint of Ethiopia? A: Karen Carpenter. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did God make women? A: Because sheep can't cook. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an armless, legless, water skiier? A: Skip. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like your legs, And what's in between. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you do if a pitbull starts humping your leg? A: Fake an Orgasam! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The night of Hugo, just when the eye of the storm was coming upon us, the water was so high outside it started coming in the windows. When the eye hit, I waded outside and, for safety, the neighbor's son and I ended up on the top of thier house. As we sat there, we saw logs, parts of roofs and houses and even mailboxes float by the house. All of a sudden a baseball cap came floating down past the house, then stopped, and floated upstream, then stopped and reversed directions a couple more times. Totally amazed I said to the kid, "Wonder what that is?" To which he replied, "Oh, that's the ole man. He said, 'Today, come Hell or High Water' he was gonna get that damn lawn mowed!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute? A: A little fucker about three feet high. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ? A: In his feet, 'cause if he steps on you, you're fucked. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what gets a girl pregnant? A: Two high balls and a squirt. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar where he has heard that the bartender is keeping a horse in back. Walking up to the bar, he asks what the bartender would give him if he were able to go back to the horse and make it laugh. The bartender offers 100 bucks. The guy says o.k., and walks back to the horse and whispers in its ear. Suddenly the horse starts laughing in an uproar. The man colects his money and leaves. A week later, the man shows up again and asks the bartender what he'd pay if he could make the horse cry? This time the bartender is thinking he's got a sure win and bets 1000 bucks. Once agin the man walks back to the horse and a few minutes later, the horse is crying! The bartender pays up, but asks "You got to tell me what happened." The man says, "Well, the first time, I told your horse that my cock was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest wanted to raise money for the church. He was told that there was a fortune in horse rasing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey and race it. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheet carried the headline, "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS." The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in another race. This time it won. The paper reported, "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT." The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity, that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The paper read, "BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS." This was just too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby convent and the headline read, "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN." The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for $10 and the newspaper reported, "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS." They buried the bishop the next day. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fags were standing on a corner - one with his finger up the other's ass. A cop came up and asked the fag, "Why do you have your finger up that guy's ass?" "I'm trying to make him throwup," lisped the fag. "But," said the cop, "that's not going to make him throwup." Replied the fag, "It will when I stick it in his mouth." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the husband who took his wife to the zoo? They walked over to the gorilla cage, which contained a mean old 600 pound gorilla. The man got ahold of the key to the cage, unlocked the door, threw his wife inside and said, "Now go ahead and tell HIM you got a headache!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know a polack is at a cock fight? A: He brings the duck. Q: How do you know an irishman is at a cock fight? A: He bets on the duck. Q: How do you know italians are at a cock fight? A: The duck wins. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, here it is Sunday evening again and you've probably all read, reread, and pretty well exhausted the info in your Church bulletin by now ... Real exciting stuff, eh? Yeah, ours generally is too. But sometimes ... "This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends." "Tuesday at 4:00pm, there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk please come early." "Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, 'Put Me in My Little Bed,' accompanied by the Pastor." "Thursdays at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet with the minister in his study." "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Borwn to come forward and lay an egg on the altar." "The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water,' one of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congre- gation will join in." "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon." "On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense on the new carpet. All wishing to do some- thing on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a Jewish wife make for supper? A: Reservations! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sammy Davis, Jr. passes through the Pearly Gate and runs into Rock Hudson. "Rock," he says, "You can smoke'em or poke'em, but one way or another, them butts are sure to kill you." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circum- cision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What has 60 teeth and holds back a gigantic monster? A: My zipper. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- When I got married I told my wife I wanted to set the world on fire. After three years of being married to her I wanted to set myself on fire ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest, a minister and a rabbi all died at the same time and met at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stood before the locked gates and looked upon them sternly. "I have been reviewing your lives," St. Peter began, "You've all done a remarkable job leading exemplary lives. However, before I can allow any of you to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you each must answer one ques- tion." Peter turned towards the priest, "Father, when does life begin?" The priest proudly replied, "At the moment of conception!" Consulting his answer sheet, St. Peter said, "You've answered according to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the priest disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the minister. "When does life begin?" The minister, without hesitation proclaimed, "When the head leaves the birth canal!" Peter once again checked his list, saying, "You've answered accord- ing to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the minister disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the rabbi. "So, Rabbi, when does life begin?" The rabbi thought carefully, stroked his beard, and replied, "When the dog dies and the kids leave home." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A polack, a german and an iraqi all volunteered for a scientific experiment to determine ethnic variation in olfactory tolerance. The three were locked into a well-heated pigpen with four pigs who had been fed a steady diet of All-Bran and Ex-Lax. After thirty minutes, the german could take it no longer and crawled, gasping for breath, from the pig-pen. Two hours later the polack left the pig-pen, a curious shade of chartreuse, and collapsed. Ten more minutes passed before the pigs ran out begging for mercy ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is seven miles long and goes five miles per hour? A: A mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After many years of study, two orthodox rabbanical students graduated from the seminary, and were told to get black suits and go into the world. One said that his uncle Pincus, the tailor, would give them a great deal, so they went to see him. After picking up their suits, the two new rabbis walked down the street, arguing about the color of their suits. The first rabbi said the suits were navy; the second said no they were black. That's when they saw a nun waiting at a bus stop. They ran up behind the nuns to compare colors of clothing. Lo and behold, their suits were navy! "How do you like that, Pincus fucked us!" said one rabbi. The nun turned around, saying, "I didn't know you could speak Latin!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: How much is a haircut? Barber: Eight dollars. Customer: How much is a shave? Barber: A buck. Customer: In that case, shave my hair off ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two tourists, a Pole and Czechoslovakian, were visiting Yellowstone National Park. Their first night, two huge bears wandered into their campsite and ate the two hapless tourists. The park rangers set out immediately to find these killer bears. Finally, they cornered two bears, a male and a female, which they thought might have been responsible. "What do you think we ought to do with them?" asked the first ranger. "Well," the second ranger replied, "I figure we should cut the bears open. If we find the people inside, we know we've got our killer bears." Whereupon, the first ranger began to cut the female bear, and sure enough he found the remains of the Pole. "Any luck?" he called out to his partner. "Yep," said the other. "The Czech is in the male." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A jewish guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a chinese guy, had two drinks, and punched the chinese guy in the nose. "What that for?" asked the chinese guy. "That's for bombing Pearl Harbor," said the Jew. "You idiot," said the chinese guy, "JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbor - NOT Chinese!" "Ah," said the jewish guy, "Chinese, japanese, it's all the same." So the chinese guy finished his drink and punched the jewish guy in the nose. "What was THAT for?" asked the jewish guy. "That for sinking Titanic," said the chinese guy. "You moron," said the jewish guy, "the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" "Ah so," said the chinese guy, "Iceberg, Greenberg, it all same!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you say to a mexican in a three-piece suit? A: Will the defendant please stand. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two canadians decide to go duck hunting so they get up early one morning, and go off to the swamps with their red hats, duck calls, and their trusty hunting dog. Even with all conditions favorable for a good day, by day's end they headed home without a single duck! The first canadian said "Do you think that maybe the duck calls didn't work?" The second replied, "No, the duck calls were fine. I think we weren't throwing the dog high enough!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three yuppers were out in the forest hunting. They hadn't had much luck and were about ready to shoot anything. One yupper forced his way through some bushes and said, "Hey! I found some deer tracks!" The second yupper nudged him to the side and said, "You dummy, those aren't deer tracks, those are bear tracks!" So, the third yupper shoved his way in, put his head down real close to the tracks to see what they were, and was run over by a train. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Scots pray on the Sabbath, and on their neighbors; the Irish don't know what they believe in, but they're more than ready to die for it; and the British all claim to be self-made men - which at least relieves God of the responsibility! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- She was so ugly that I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two yuppers were hunting in the woods. It had been a long and unproductive day. As the hunters walked into a sunny clearing, Sven spied a beautiful, and well-endowed, coed sunbathing in the nude. She noticed the hunters, winked, and waved them over. "Ole," Sven stammered, "I think she wants us to screw her!" Ole replied "I'm game." So Sven shot him. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you get when you play a country song backwards? A: You get your house back, your car back, your woman back, and you get your whole damn life back. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A team of detectives arrived at the business executive's New York penthouse apartment and were admitted by the butler. "Mr. James," one told the busi- nessman, "we have some good news and some bad news about your missing wife." "You'd better give me the bad news first," said Mr. James. "We found her floating face down in the East River this afternoon with eight large lob- sters clinging to her body." "Oh, poor Sandra," the man sighed, "What's the good news?" "We're sending her back out in the morning." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- While taking a break from the assembly line, two auto workers were discuss- ing the strange twists life sometimes takes. "Who woulda thought," one mused, "that there would come a day when I would have more money than Donald Trump, higher morals than Jimmy Swaggart, and more pussy than Rock Hudson?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two newfies were off on their annual trip to the Canadian Rockies to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please." A week later, when he returned to the lake, the pilot found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "You're just a chicken," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off," said the other newfie. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "Alright, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." So they loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the newfies regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake, and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards further than last year." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A New Jersey suburbonite had just motored through the Lincoln Tunnel into Manhattan when a hooker approached him and said, "I'll do anything you want - your wildest fantasies - for $100. But you have to tell me in three words." The guy thought for a moment and replied, "Okay ... Paint my house." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- You were so ugly as a kid that your mother had to feed you with a sling shot ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor took one look at your face, turned you over and said, "Look ... twins!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- You were so ugly as kid that on Halloween you're mother put peanut butter around your lips and sent you out as an asshole ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Republicans understand the importance of the bondage between parent and child." (Dan Quayle, U.S. vice-president) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Women are like floppy disks - Smart men always keep a back-up ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I remember when I was so depressed I was going to jump out a highrise window. I tell you I get no respect; when they sent a priest up to talk to me he said, "On your mark. Get set ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I tell you I get no respect - A hooker once told me she had a headache ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Do you think," asked the poll taker, "that the terms of Congressmen should be limited?" "Hell no!" raged the taxpayer. "They should stay in jail as long as everyone else!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm not saying her fiance' is cheap," whispered the office gossip, "but every time I get close to her engagement ring, I have an overwhelming desire for some Cracker Jacks ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The next thing you know, instead of issuing stamps, they're just going slap a little glue on the backs of dollar bills ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're in a small town when ... ... You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway. ... You are run off Main Street by a combine. ... You can't walk for exercise - every car that passes offers you a ride. ... You don't use your turn signal because everyone knows where you are going. ... You get married and the local newspaper devotes a quarter page to the story. ... You drive into a ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back to town before you do. ... The biggest business in town sells farm machinery. ... You write a check on the wrong bank - and it covers you anyway. ... The pick-ups on Main Street outnumber the cars 3-to-1. ... You miss a Sunday at church and receive get-well cards. ... Someone asks you how you are, and actually wants to know. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A big, ugly, biker stormed into a bar in a bad mood one evening, obviously looking for a fight. "Everybody on that side of the bar is an asshole!" he shouted, "Anybody want to make something of it? Just stand up!" Nobody stood up. "And everyone on this side of the bar is a fucking faggot!" A lawyer stood up. "You wanna fight?" snarled the biker. "No", said the lawyer, "it's just that I'm on the wrong side of the bar." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- JEFFREY DAHMER JOKES Q: What other charges will be filed against Dahmer? A: Selling arms to Iran. Q: What were they playing on the radio when the police entered Dahmer's apartment? A: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." Q: What did Dahmer say to the police when they arrested him? A: "Oh, come on, have a heart." Q: Why did Dahmer put the head in the refrigerator? A: To see if the light really turned off. Q: What does the ad for Dahmer's apartment say? A: Apartment for rent, roommate included, some assembly required. Q: Did you hear that Dahmer got out on bail? A: Yeah, he had to put up an arm and a leg. Q: Did you hear that Dahmer sold his Chevette? A: It just didn't have enough leg room. Dahmer used body parts to brew his own beer. Trouble was, when you poured it out, it had no head. Milwaukee is so upset over the Dahmer killings, that the city council is changing the name of the town to "Hack 'n Sack." On Sale -- Limited Time Only -- just $19.95 Take the finest in Old-Wisconsin Style Foods Among Jeff's favorite recipes: Icebox Surprise Pie Head Cheese Terry Aki Beans & Frank Shish-k-Bob Bobby's Bratwurst "Screamin'" Sammy Sausage Leg 'o Sam Chuck Roast Scrambled Legs Baked Alaskan Paul Pot Pie Finger Sandwiches Head Lettuce Elbow Macaroni Vince Meat Handburger Bob-b-que Barry's Back Ribs Filet 'o Fred Big Mac Bill's Boilin' in the bag Stew Manwiches Rice-o-Ronnie Matzo Balls Peter Bread Sloppy Joe Moo Goo Guy-in-a-Pan (old Chinese recipe) Jeff's Favorite Bands -- Fine Young Cannibals, Talking Heads Jeff's Favorite Movies -- "Eating Raoul" and "Diner" Jeff's Favorite Drink -- Harvey Wallbanger ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day 3 baby boys were born in the hospital at the same time and the nurses got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone stood around wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped forward, clicked his heals, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped up, threw his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit his diapers and the Polish baby played in it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are three kinds of sex: 1. Kitchen sex - This is usually when you're first together. You'll do it ANYWHERE. 2. Bedroom sex - As your relationship progresses this is the usual place for sex. 3. Hallway sex - As your relationship has matured you walk down the hall and say "Fuck you". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An attractive young secretary in her first week on the job got some friendly advice about the office Romeo from the more matronly office workers. "Watch out for 'Tiny' ... Stay away from 'Tiny'," they warned her. After a few weeks on the job, two of the older secretaries cornered her in the copy room. "I see you worked after hours with Tiny last night," one began. "Did Tiny make any moves on you when you were alone?" the other asked. The pretty young secretary didn't know quite what to say. She replied that she had a most pleasant evening, and she didn't know why everyone kept calling him 'Tiny'. "Oh, I guess you didn't find out last night after all," one of the older women laughed. "You see, he has a tatto on the side of his penis that says 'Tiny'." "Then we must be talking about two different people," the young secretary rplied, "The man I was with has a tatoo that says Ticonderoga, NY." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? A: They're worth it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the Jewish stand on abortion? A: If it's a good deal, it's ok. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Israeli tank hit an Egyptian tank. The Egyptian jumped out of his tank, frantically waving a white flag. The Israeli jumped out of his tank shout- ing, "Whiplash! Whiplash!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know how the Israelis captured the Negev desert? The Egyptians had a bunch of Russian advisors during the war. The Russians have always relied on their time proven, reliable, strategy - retreat before the enemy, and wait for the Russian winter to descend. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I met a girl at a party the other night. One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was having sex with her. I wondered what kind of birth control she was using. It was foam. By the time I found out, I looked like a mad dog. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced Mrs. Cohen. Not to be outdone, Mrs. Goldsteinthe remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." Mrs. Smith remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, Mrs. Cohen inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?" "And is he a professional?" demanded Mrs. Goldstein. "Well, not exactly," answered Mrs. Smith, "Actually, he's a plumber. And not only that, he's gay." Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well ..." This time it was the Mrs. Smith smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained. "He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- JOKEBOOK #2 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs and a twelve inch dick? A: Partially handicapped. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her parents ... Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?" Little Girl: "No, my Mommy beats me." Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?" Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too." Judge: "Well little girl, who do you want to live with?" Little Girl: "I want to live with the Cubs because they never beat anyone!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did Helen Keller go crazy? A: She tried to read a sheet of sandpaper. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy is lost at sea for days, and finally finds land, a native island. The guy makes friends with the native chief, and in appreciation the chief gives the guy his daughter for the night. So that night as they were going at it, the girl starts saying "Agooma, agooma!" The man thought this meant, "This is great! I love this!" So the next morning, the chief invited the man to a game of golf. Just at the end, the man wanted to show his appreciation for the game of golf, and also wanted to show off his new knowledge, so he said "Agooma, agooma!" The chief replied "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What`s moist and pink and split right down the middle? A: A grapefruit. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- POLITICAL SPEECH OF A LADY DELEGATE TO A NATIONAL POLITICAL CONVENTION Dear Lady Delegates: We must have what the men have. It may not be very long, But we mean to have it. If we can't have it without friction, then we will have it with friction. If we can't get it through organization, then we will get it through combination or both, if necessary. We refuse to be poked in the gallery any longer, and insist on being layed on the floor in the house. We are willing to look up to the men, but we don't always want to hold up our ends and show our possibilities when- ever anything arises that will meet our expectations. Nothing that comes will be too hard for us. We women have always been interested in good movements and will take any load given us. We are still willing to work under men that have been over us in the past, even to the point of exhaustion if necessary. But, we are beginning to become disgusted with failings and short comings. Never when anything arose that required our presence and attention have we failed to come again and again if the occasion required it. But, all too often have our hopes and striving been met with feeble performances which have left us disappointed and unsatisfied. How often have our efforts to push our ends been met with the cry, "Down with petticoats"? Now I say, "Up with the petticoats and down with the pants!" As long as we women are split up the way we are the men will always be on top. Thank you friends. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself into your computer keyboard. Right now I am having sex with your fingers. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please allow someone else to use the keyboard, because I'm really horny and wish to reproduce! INS INS INS INS INS INS INS INS ... Howdya like the way I jab that insert key baby? I'll bet your control is ready to break. ENTER ENTER ENTER Heh, heh. Bet you let out an extended character or two when I rammed that one home. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a woman driver and a woman golfer? A: One hits everything and the other hits nothing. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- No matter how you slice it, it's still a golf ball. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear what the condemned golfer's last words to the hangman were? A: "Mind if I have a few practice swings?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Can you count," asked the golfer to the caddy asking for a job. "Yes sir," said the boy. "Can you add," asks the golfer. "Yes sir," said the boy. "Okay then, how much is 4 + 5 + 7 ?" "9 sir." "Excellent, you got the job!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy: "Why the hell didn't you watch where it went?" "Well sir," said the boy, "it don't usually go anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by surprise." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Know what a rodeo fuck is? A: You start to screw your wife doggie style, hold on to her shoulders, and whisper in her ear that her sister is a better fuck than she is, and try to hold on for 8 seconds. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes to the pet store to shop for a parrot. He sees quite an assortment for sale for $500 to $1000, but that's a bit more than he want to spend, so he's delighted to come across one in the corner for sale for $29.95. "How come that one's so cheap," he asks the clerk. "To tell you the truth, his dick is oversized and it embar- rasses the customers." The husband buys the bird anyway, and installs it on a perch right over the bed. The next day the first thing he does after coming home form work is to rush upstairs ... "Well, what happened today?" he demanded of the bird. "Well, the milkman came, and your wife told him to come into the bedroom, and they took off their clothes and got into bed." "So what happened next," screamed the husband. "I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy was telling his buddy that his wife could always tell when he had been messing around just by looking at his eyes. His buddy said, "No wonder, you have a pubic hair hanging from your eyelid!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did Moses and the Jews wander in the desert for twenty-five years? A: One of them dropped a quarter. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a Mexican girl? A: The Mexican girl's jewelry is fake and her orgasms are real ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the war between the Poles and the Germans? A: The Poles threw dynamite - the Germans lit it and threw it back. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Whats black, charred, and hangs from a chandelier? A: A Polish electrician. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise toilet? A: The captain's log. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jesus and Moses went out to play golf one day. Moses tees off on the first hole, and hits a beautiful 250-yard drive right in the middle of the fairway. Jesus steps up, and hits a worm-burner about 50 yards. Moses started to laugh, but then a mouse picked up the ball and ran down the fairway. A hawk swooped down from the sky, picked up the mouse, flew over the green, and dropped the mouse. The mouse dropped the ball, and the ball rolled right in the cup. Moses turned to Jesus and says, "Are you gonna play golf or just screw around?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Some- times a lawyer will do anything to win a case." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between having sex with a six year old and having with a sixteen year old? A: You have to kill the six year old afterwards. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is AIDS a magical disease? A: It turns fruits into vegetables. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about Bill and Joe, the twin brothers? Bill was married and Joe was single. The single brother, Joe, was the proud owner of a dilapidated old row boat. It so happened that Bill's wife died on the same day that Joe's boat filled with water and sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistook him for his brother Bill. She said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, I was sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe spoke up saying, "I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing right from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of old fish and the first time I got into her she drank water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty bad hole in her front, and the hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked like everything. But what really finished her was the four guys looking for a good time. They asked me if I would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't too hot, but they could take a crack at her anyway. The result was the crazy fools tried to get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she cracked up the middle ..." Before he could finish the old lady fainted. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FROM: B.H. SUBJECT: Chauvinist from Hell! Well, I heard this joke from a rather drunk friend of mine. The clincher is, he told it in front of his wife. Not a pretty sight... God created the world. He was lonely, and so he created the birds, the animals, and the fishes. He was still lonely, and so he created two men. When he finished, he sat back and sighed satisfactorily. A timid angel raised his hand and said, "God, there is just one problem. You have created two men. They cannot reproduce." God thought about the problem for a moment, scratched his chin, and replied, "You're right. Give the dumb one a cunt." I just about fell over! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How much skin does it take to cover a pussy? A: (Stick out tongue) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a quarter on his head? A: A quarter-pounder! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A: A quarter-pounder with cheese. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as "doing the laundry" so their kid's wouldn't know what was up. One day the man came home from work and said to his wife, "Honey, let's do some laundry." "Not now," she said, "I've had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little t.v." "OK," he says, "I'm gonna go take a nap." Time passed and the missus decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing so she joined her hubby in the bedroom. "I've changed my mind, let's do some laundry " she said. "Sorry," said the husband, "but I just had a small load, so I did it by hand." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Elvis was murdered by donuts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two dogs walking through the woods, both get caught in bear traps. One dog says, "We need to chew off a leg to get loose." The other dog says no way. First dog chews off his leg, goes in to town, gets patched up by the vet, and comes back a few days later. The other dog is still in the trap. The first dog says, ""You need to chew off your leg to get loose." The other dog says, "I already chewed off three legs and I still ain't free." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A gigolo married an ugly, not too bright woman who happened to have loads of money. One day the man went out to repair a hole in the roof of the stable. "I need a ladder," he said to his wife. "Get the ladder, get the ladder," she repeated dutifully as she trotted off. "I need a hammer and nails," he told her a bit later. "Get the hammer, get the nails, get the hammer ..." she repeated as she ran back to the toolshed. The guy soon got down to work and was hammering away when he hit himself squarely on the thumb. "Fuck!" he screamed. His wife bobbed away saying, "Get the bag, get the bag!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the worst thing about eating a hairless pussy? A: Putting the diaper back on when you're finished. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey got to choose first ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Whats blue and comes in brownies? A: Cub Scouts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were three dogs sitting at the pound and each had an interesting story about why they were there and what they thought would happen to them. Pit-Bull: The family next door had a nine month old baby and it was always crying - crying so much it was driving its parents crazy, driving my owner crazy, driving ME crazy - everyone! So, one day, they left the back door open and I sneaked in and bit it's arm off. I heard later that it died on the way to the hospital. "So," asked the the doberman, "what do you think will happen to you?" "I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the pit-bull. Doberman: The damned postman always sprays me with mace. It makes my eyes water like crazy, makes me sneeze and I can't sleep all afternoon. One day, another postman came to the house, but he didn't know I existed, so I chewed his leg off. Apparently he died the next day at the hospital. "So," asked the great dane, "what do you think will happen to you?" "I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the doberman. Great Dane: My master is a gorgeous 25 year old woman. One day I was lonely and was looking for her. But I couldn't find her. So, I went upstairs and I found her kneeling on the floor, washing out the bath tub. She had no clothes on and the sight made me lose control. I sneaked up behind her and ... "So," interrupted the other two, "what do you think will happen to you?" "I guess I'm here to get my nails cut," grinned the great dane ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the definition of a wife? A: An attachment you screw on the bed to clean the house. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What good are tails on an animal? A: Maybe they should be considered as neckties for their butts? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the cement truck that crashed into the prison bus? A: They ended up with a bunch of hardened criminals. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the boatload of red paint that crashed into a boat carrying blue paint? A: 13 passengers were marooned. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What looks like, smells like and tastes like banana's, but isn't banana's? A: Monkey puke. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you tell a dutchman who has his finger in a dyke? A: That he's wasting his time, there's no way he'll stop the flow. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a man named Dave, Who kept a dead whore in his cave, She was dirty and gritty, And missing one titty, But think of the money he saved! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fellow's wife was very flat chested. He came home from work one day and to his utter amazement, there was his wife with a pair of 44" breasts. He said, "My gosh, Martha, what happened?" She said "Honey, I was making myself look all pretty for you and I was looking in the mirror behind the door, and I said to it, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my tits size 44', and BOOM, look at the size of these suckers!" The fellow was just overwhelmed. He ran upstairs, jumped into the shower, combed his hair, stood there look- ing at himself and his little thing hanging there. He said to the mirror, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor," and BOOM! His legs blew off. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's a new sitcom directed especially at gays. It's called: "Leave It, It's Beaver" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a young Indian do if he has no date to take to the war party? A: Beat his tom-tom. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to call an electrician while the other mixes martinis. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two old Jewish men were sitting on a park bench when an attractive woman jogger trotted by. "Oyvey! Would I like to screw her," said the first old man. The other looked too, and said, "Outta what?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a Pole who was stranded at sea. He saw a bottle floating and picked it up. When he opened it, a Genie popped out, "I have been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years! I will grant you three wishes for freeing me!" The Pole considered it and requested, "I would like to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw." The genie con- sidered it, and clapped his hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My second wish is to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw." The Genie looked puzzled, but clapped his hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My third wish is..." The Genie cut him off, "...to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Yes," agreed the pole. The Genie clapped his hands, and said, "It is done. I am now free to leave, but I must know before I go. Why did you want the Mongol hoards to come out of the East and sack pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Because," said the Pole, "In order for the Mongol hoards to come out of the East three times and sack pillage and destroy Warsaw, they'd have to cross Russia SIX times!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What drove Helen Keller insane? A: She tried to read a stucco wall. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you save a drowning baby? A: Take your foot off his head. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean. The plane went down and the only survivors were those three. They started swimming towards an island when sharks appeared. SNAP!!! The doctor was eaten. SNAP!!! The priest was eaten. The lawyer made it to the island, and was later picked up and returned to port. The press asked him why the sharks ate the other two and not him. He replied, "Professional courtesy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a minister who found that he had grown away from his congrega- tion. So, in an attempt to come closer to his parishioners, he decided to visit each of them personally. At the home of one elderly widow he was invited in, but asked to sit and wait while she finished preparing her evening meal. As he sat, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the side table and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise, he ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts. When the woman returned from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely sorry and quite embarrassed, but in his hunger he had eaten all of her peanuts. She replied by saying, "Don't worry reverend, since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of 'gross'? A: Eating a hot dog and finding out it has veins. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does a dog lick its balls? A: Because he knows that in a minute he's going to lick your face. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day the Pope became very sick. All the cardinals are very concerned since he looked like he would not last long. They called in a number of doctors and none of them could help. Finally, they called for the best doctor in Rome, who told them, "There is only one hope for him, but you are not going to like it." The cardinals said, "Anything, tell us and we will do it!" So the Doctor explained, "The only way that he will live is if he has sex with a woman." A gasp went up from the cardinals and then a murmuring. But they agreed to tell the Pope. They explained the situation and the Pope (he was Italian) said, "Wella, thera musta be three condiziones. Firsta, she musta be blind so she canna see nothing." The cardinals nodded in agreement. "Nexta," the Pope continued, "she musta be deff so she canna hear nothing." They all agreed and said, "And what, Your Holiness, is the third condition?" "The thirda condizione," said the Pope, "isa thata she musta have biga tits." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three guys, an Italian, a Jew and a Polack, just died and were being judged as to their worthiness of entering the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said that they were all equally bad, so the ones that proved themselves in a test of faith would get in. He told each of them he will lock them up in a room for 20 years. When he came back, whatever they'd done for him is what they get judged by. So, he told the Italian, "I'm going to put you in this room with one thing of your choice, what will that be?" The Italian guy tells him, "I wanna me a woman". And so it is done. St. Peter then turned to the Jew and asked him the same thing. The jewish guy wanted a telephone. And it was done. Then St. Peter went to the Polack, who wanted a ciggarrette. And so was done. Twenty years passed, and St. Peter opens the Italian's room and there were a dozen children running around and playing games and things. And he says, "Looka, St. Pietro, I madea you a big family! Buona Sera!" St. Peter was proud of this and smiled, and the pearly gates open for the Italian. Then St. Peter went to the next door and there's the jewish guy with a load of money all piled up. "Hey Pete, babe, I got ya all this cash, and this can do some very good for the orphans down below. All the real estate and stock marketing I've done, paid off. So do I get in or what, huh?" And St. Peter said, "Well I guess I could fit you in, but I chose the Italian guy first. You've done good, enter." And the Pearly Gates opened. Then St. Peter moved down to the third room and the Polack was standing there with the cigarrette and asked him "Can I have a light?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Mary went to sleep, With one of little Mary's sheep, The sheep turned out to be a ram, Mary had a little lamb. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Chinese Population Explosion," by Wefuckem Yung ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly tossed cookies all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The owner of a travelling circus was down on his luck and close to bank- ruptcy, when he decided that the only way to increase attendance was to find a great act that couldn't be topped. Since his lion tamer had quit, he put an ad in the local paper for a replacement, requesting that all applicants come to the circus the next day to audition. The following day, two individuals showed up, a regular-looking guy, and a knockout woman with a body that wouldn't quit. "Lady's first," declared the owner, as he handed a whip, gun and chair to the beauty. He opened the cage door. As a lion entered the cage from the other side, the woman, threw the gun and whip aside, stripped off all of her clothes, sat on the chair with her legs spread and looked the lion straight in the eye. The lion, being most impressed with the sight before him, buried his head between the woman's thighs and 'went wild.' After 15 minutes, the lion backed away from her and, totally exhausted, rolled on his side and passed out. While watching this, the circus owner knew he had the money maker that he needed and was rubbing his hands together, thinking of all of the money he was going to make with his new act. Turning to the man beside him, he asked, "Well, do you think you can top that?" To which the man replied, "You bet your ass I can! Just get that fucking lion out of the cage ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between an anorexic hooker and a counterfeit bill? A: One's a phoney buck - the other is a bony fuck. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? A: Answering the iron. Q: How did she burn the other side? A: They called back. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three friends were standing around bragging about how great their pets were. They each claimed their dog was the smartest. The Doctor turned to his dog and said, "Go, Rover." Rover proceeded to cross to an operating table and do a serious operation in spactacular fashion, including all major surgery and stitching the wound closed. Upon completion of the surgery, Rover crossed to the doctor who gave him some cookies. "Not bad," said the engineer, who turned to his dog and said, "Go, Spot!" Where upon Spot crossed over to a drafting table and, in five minutes, proceeded to knock out complete con- struction blue prints for a 150 story office complex. When he was finished, Spot crossed to the engineer, who gave him some cookies. The doctor and the engineer turned expectantly to the lawyer, who shrugged. The lawyer turned to his dog and said, "Okay Fido, they're finished." Where upon Fido pissed on the plans, screwed both Rover and Spot, and stole their cookies. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- During a picnic for upscale lawyers in Sausalito, Biff and Skippy had had an ounce or two too much and decided to walk back into San Francisco. After five minutes, each began to argue about whose dick was the longest. When they reached the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge, they watched the water flowing underneath and both were striken with a terrible urge to void their bladders. "Ah," announced Biff as he stood at the rail, "That water is COLD." "Yes," agreed Skippy, standing alongside him, "And it's deep too!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a Yankee and a Texan? A: A Yankee will walk right up to a girl and stick it in, while a Texan will stick it in and walk right up to her ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's black and white and red all over, and has trouble going through revolving doors? A: A nun with a spear through her throat. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a young lady from Heath, Who circumcised young men with her teeth, She said with a grin, "It's not for the skin," "But rather for the cheese underneath." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? A: Beef strokin'off. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did they get rid of all the dogs at the White House? A: They were chasing the Quayles and peeing on the Bushes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon com- pletion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took out one of the few remaining contents - a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it. Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma - whether or not to tell his partner. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you recondition an aging hooker? A: Shove a ten-pound ham up her and pull out the bone. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The saintly old Bishop of Birmingham, Fucked young boys while confirming'em. With screeches and roars, He'd rip down their drawers, And whip his Episcopal worm in'em. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly woman walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhatten Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3,000,000 she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, however, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around three million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did busi- ness with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she answered. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this elderly woman could have come into three million dollars. "I bet," she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful - he didn't even have the traditional nooner with his secretary. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no change in his crotchal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the old lady to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He know this would be a lucky day - how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he laughed, "but I'm the same as I've always been - only $25,000 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered, "I bet him $100,000 that by 11 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you know that if every single man, woman and child in China - all one billion of them - were to hold hands together around the equator more than half of them would drown? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two lesbians were walking through a park when they saw a naked man lying in the grass. He was sporting a tremendous woodie. The first lesbian looked at the second and said, "Hey, look, if we find another one of these we can play horseshoes!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- NON-CURSE CURSE'S May you have the nicest neighbors in all Sibera. May your name be so famous that every bailiff, tax colector, cop and secret agent know it. May you grow so healthy, husky and fat, that it takes twenty years for the worms to pick you clean. May you fall in the outhouse just as a platoon of marines finishes a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer. May your possesions never tempt another to steal. If it is holy to be poor, may you be a saint among saints. Since poverty is no disgrace, may you never know shame. May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time you awaken. May you be invited to a banquet by the President and belch in his face. May you sleep on a bed of 8,000 rusty nails while bedbugs eat you alive, so that you toss and turn all night. May your blood grow so healthy, your leecehs' leeches need leeches. May you be bled dry by leeches, but enough blood should be left over for the bedbugs, lice, and mosquitoes to have a good meal too. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do computers like humans? A: Because a human turns them on. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a young man from Rangoon, Who's farts could be heard on the moon, When you least would expect them, They'd roar from his rectum, With a sound like a double bassoon! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- On a trip to San Francisco, I dropped my wallet. Instead of picking it up, I kicked it back across the bridge ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ernest, recently married, came home from work one day and discovered his supposed friend, Frank, in bed with Ernest's wife. "What are you doing?" yelled Ernest. "Listening to the radio," said Frank. "But I don't hear any music," said Ernest. Frank's answer was prompt, "That's because you're not plugged in like I am!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What color is a bee? A: Yellow. Q: How many wings does a bird have? A: Two. Q: How many teeth does a cat have? A: I don't know. That's you're problem: You know alot about the birds and the bees, but you don't know anything about pussy ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mouse walkede into a pub, approached the bar, and sat on a stool. Looking down the bar he spotted a beautiful giraffe. "Hey bartender," the mouse said, "Send that cute giraffe at the end of the bar a drink on me". The bartender replied, "Listen buddy, every eligible man in the bar has tried to hit on that giraffe all night long. She just isn't interested. Save your money." But the mouse insisted, "Look pal, I know what I'm doing - just send the lady a drink." Not wanting to start a fight, the bartender did as he was told and, to his amazement, he noticed the mouse make eye contact with the giraffe. The mouse moved down the bar and at on a stool next to the giraffe. They began to talk, and pretty soon they left the bar together. The next day, in walked the mouse, his clothes are a mess, his tail broken - he looked just awful. The bartender exclaimed, "Jesus Christ mouse! What the hell happened to you? You look like a drowned rat!" The mouse mumbled, "Well I'll tell ya' pal, between smoochin' and fuckin' I must have run a thousand miles last night ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A homosexual walked into a bar and said to the bartender,in a rather feminine voice, "Where is everyone?" The bartender turns to the gay with a scowl and said, "Out back hanging a fag." Suddenly, in a very deep masculine voice, the gay replied, "No shit!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- While driving through a small town in Old Mexico, an American tourist blew out a tire. It was during the siesta, so when he arrived at the gas station a sign hanging in the door announced that the station was "Closed, come back soon!" The tourist looked behind the station and saw a Mexican sleeping in the shade of his burro. The sleeping Mexican being the only sign of life in the small town, the tourist walked over to him. "Pardon me!" said the tourist in typically tactful tourist fashion. Without even lifting his hat the little Mexican said, "It's siesta time senor." "What time is this siesta over?" demanded the tourist. The Mexican said, "At two o'clock, senor." Starting to turn red, the tourist stammered, "And would you know what time it is NOW?" So the Mexican lifted his hat, looked at the Burro, puts his hand under it's balls, lifted slightly, and said, "Itz 1:30 senor." "You tell the time of day by holding that ass's balls in your hand?" the amazed tourist replied. "No senor - the balls was in the way of the clock on the station's wall ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck if ... ... The primary color of your car is bondo. ... In your wedding picture you have a toothpick in your mouth. ... Your mama dont remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass! ... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off. ... You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre. ... You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment. ... Less than half the cars you own run. ... Directions to you house include "turn off the paved road". ... You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tounge gestures. ... Your family tree does not fork. ... Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. ... You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital. ... Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high-school sports event. ... You've ever BBQ'd Spam on the grill. ... The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. ... Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. ... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the ... Bandit was snubbed for best picture. ... The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones. ... You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. ... You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. ... Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. ... You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. ... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. ... You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. ... You think Campho-phenique is a miricle drug. ... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. ... You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. ... You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. ... You've ever been too drunk to fish. ... You have a rag for a gas cap. ... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the smelliest thing in the world? A: An anchovy's pussy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are the two words you don't want to hear when you're standing at a public urinal? A: "Nice dick." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will blow your bonus. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the most crooked thing in the world? A: A fart - it's pointed at your feet, but hits you in the nose. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Bus Driver began his route in the usual way one morning, although the turnout was quite unique, here is his story: His bus was named the 'Sesame Street Bus' - possibly after the street he lived on or from another source somewhere in his youth. His first passengers for the day were two passen- gers named Patty and Patty; yes, they were twins, and they were quite heavy. The next stop was Mr. Bus Driver's favorite as Ross got on and said hello. Though Ross was slow, he was a nice enough fellow. A new fellow who the driver hadn't met before was introduced at the third stop (for the driver as Lester Chin. Lester had a slight foot problem and after he got on the bus, he proceded to remove his shoes and pick at the corns on his feet - which the bus driver ignored, possibly because he was pretty disgusted. It was near the end of the route, and the passengers were getting ready to disembark, when Mr. Bus Driver pulled up alongside a fellow busdriver. "What have you got today?" the other bus driver asked. Mr. Bus Driver answered, "Two obese Pattys, special Ross, and Lester Chin picking bunyons on the Sesame Street bus ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "HEL-L-LP!" the scream came from the bedroom. The man of the house ran to see what was the matter. Just as he entered his bedroom, he saw a guy leap- ing leaping out the window. His wife cried, "That guy just fucked me twice!" "Twice?" the husband wondered, "Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you the first time?" "Because," she replied "I thought it was you until he started for the second time ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The newfie went to the zoo to feed the monkies. He threw a monkey a peanut. The monkey picked up the peanut, stuck it in his ass, pulled it out, and ate it. The newfie thought this was rather unusual, so he threw the monkey another peanut. The monkey again picked up the peanut, stuck it in ass, pulled it out, and ate it. The newfie laughed as told the zookeeper, "Ooh- boy, that's one stupid monkey!" The zookeeper watched the monkey's routine and replied, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week someone threw him a big peach and he ate it whole. He couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures everything first!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tarzan was swinging through the jungle. He swooped down into a clearing and where a beautiful girl was standing. "Me Tarzan! Who you?" he grunted. "Jane," the beautiful girl cooed. "What whole name?" Tarzan demanded. Embarasssed, she replied, "Cunt." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father, Dirty Ernie senior, met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun." "A nun?" his father questioned. "That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!" Dirty Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?" Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stopping at the first house on his famous ride, Paul Revere cried, "Is your husband home?" "Yes!" replied the woman. "Then tell him to get dressed so he can fight the British!" At the second, third and fourth houses he asked the same question, and got the same answer, and left the same instructions. At the fifth house he shouted, "Is your husband home?" "No!" came the reply, "He'll be gone all week." "Whoa-a-a!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the aggie that was fired from the M&M factory? He kept throwing out the W's ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl comes walking out of the bathroom and saw her mother making a cake. She said, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" Her mother replied, "Can't you just flush it like everyone else?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- JOKEBOOK #3 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are women like landfills? A: Because it's a great place for a guy to dump his load. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a whale and an Italian grandmother? A: Ten pounds and a black dress. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why should you stick a baby in a blender feet first? A: So you can see the expression on its face. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the definition of gross? A: Two siamese twins connected by the mouth and one throwing up. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life- savers. First, she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "Cherry!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said, "Peppermint?" "Excellent," said the teacher. Finally she gave them honey-flavored brown ones. They tasted the lifesaver, but could not name the flavor. "I'll give you a clue, it's something that your mommy calls your daddy." Suddenly Dirty Ernie shouted, "Quick, spit them out! They're assholes!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The night was dark, The sky was blue, Down the alley the turd wagon flew! A bump was hit, a scream was heard, A man was killed by a flying turd! Upon his tomb was plainly writ: This Man Was Killed by Flying Shit! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend is having an orgasm? A: Real men don't care. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why is being in the service like getting a blow job? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose? A: Her ankles swell up when she farts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Whats the function of a woman? A: Life-support system for a pussy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hole in the Mattress," by Mr. Completely. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out ... The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on ... The next day, she said 'what the hell,' and put the entire bottle in ... A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, a teacher was testing the students' intelligence. "Okay class, I have something behind my back which is rectangular, small and black. What is it," she asked. "A chalkboard eraser," the class responded. "Yes, very good. That shows you're thinking. Now, I've got something else behind my back which is larger than the eraser, rectangular, and made of paper." "A book," said one small boy. "Very good Johnny, that shows you're thinking." Then Dirty Ernie jumped to his feet, stuck his hand in his pocket and said, "I've got something in my hand which is long, stiff, and has a bright pink tip!" "Ernie! You dirty little boy," shrieked the teacher. Said Ernie: "Naw, it's just my pencil, but it shows you're thinking!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's red, hot, juicy, stinks and has hair on it? A: A dead skunk on a hot highway. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's grosser than nailing a dead baby to a tree? A: Pulling it off. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's pink and red and hangs from the phone line? A: A baby that was hit by a snowblower. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's grosser than running over a baby with a semi? A: Picking it out of the grooves on the tires. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a little boy was peeking at his sister through the window while she peed. He noticed she farted as she peed. That evening he asked his dad, "Why does sis fart when she pees?" To which his dad replied, "Well, ya see women aren't like us, they can't shake theirs off, so they have to blow dry them- selves." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you know when your sister is on her period? A: Your father's dick tastes funny. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: You don't bother calling him, he won't come any way. But, when I was a kid, we had a dog with no legs. His name was 'Cigarette.' Every afternoon we took him out for a drag ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the definition of confusion? A: 200 blind lesbians at a fish market. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A proper business man met a beautiful chorus girl, who agreed to spend the night with him for a fee of $500. When he was ready to leave, he told her he did not have the cash with him, but he would have his secretary mail her a check calling it, "Rent for Apartment." On his way to the office he decided that the whole thing was not worth the price he had agreed to pay, so he decided to send her a check for $250.00 for rent of her apartment, along with a note: I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied 2. There would be plenty of heat 3. It was a small apartment Last night I found it had been occupied and there was not any heat; also, it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: 1. I can not understand how you expected such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. 2. As for the heat, there is plenty of it - if only you knew how to turn it on. 3. As for the size of it, it was not my fault you didn't have enough furniture to fill my apartment. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A preacher stopped at the butcher shop one afternoon to get some meat for the evening meal. He said to the butcher, "May I have a pound of ham, please." The butcher said, "OK, Reverend, a pound of Dam Ham." The preacher became upset and questioned the butcher as to why a church going man would speak to a man of the cloth like that. The butcher said, "I'm sorry Reverend, you misunderstood. That is the name of the product, 'Dam Ham.'" With that, appologies were made and off the preacher went. When he got home, the preacher said, "I'm home dear - and I brought the Dam Ham." She looked at him like he had gone crazy, but he explained that was the name of the ham. At dinner that evening, the family gathered at the table and heads were bowed for the blessing. Upon the word 'Amen,' all looked up and the preacher said, "Well dear, how about passing me some of that Dam Ham." With that, Junior, who had not eaten all day, said, "And how about passing some of them fucking potatoes?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb? A Fifteen; you got a problem with that? Q: When will I have light? A: When we're damn good and ready! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None of your fucking business. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A girl went to her doctor and asked, "Doctor, is it possible to get pregnant through anal intercourse?" The doctor replied, "Yes, my dear, where do you think lawyers come from?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about Hellen Keller? She fell down a well and broke three fin- gers yelling for help. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The three biggest lies Mexican men tell: Yo mando aqui! = I'm the boss in this house. Horita bengo. = I'll be right back. Nomas la cabesita. = Just the head. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass? A: A dart. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy opened up a new bar, but he couldn't think of a name for it, so one of his friends suggested that he name the bar after the first lady to walk in. "Good idea," replied the proud owner. Later that day a young lady, wear- ing a small, tight mini-skirt that revealed velvety, tanned legs, walked in and applied for a job as a cocktail waitress. The owner said she had a job if she would let him name the bar after her. And so it was that the bar became known as 'Judith's Legs.' A few weeks later two bums were loitering outside the bar. A cop came by and asked the bums what they were doing. One of the bums relied, "I'm waiting for 'Judith's Legs' to open so I can get a drink ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's worse than a guitar string breaking in the middle of a tune? A: Having an organ go flat on you in the middle of a piece. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, a man from Tennessee was pulled over for speeding. While the officer was writing a citation, he noticed the makings of a moonshine still in the back seat. As he slapped the cuffs on the driver, the cop recited, "You're under arrest for a Section 1301 - Posession of Moonshine Equipment." "Wail hail," drawled the driver, "ya'll might as well arrest me foh rape - Ah got all thuh right equipment foh thut too!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kid: "Mommy, mommy, I don't want hamburgers!" Mommy: "Shut up and put your hand back in the meat grinder!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- During Jesus' crucifixion, a mob of angry people gathered at the base of the hill that his cross sat on top of. The guards kept all of them back, includ- ing his disciples. Jesus raised his head up and called "John! John! come to me!" John fought his way bravely through the angry mob and almost reached the top of the hill when the guards caught him and hurled him back down. As John lay on the earth, Jesus again called out to him, "John! Come to me!" John bravely fought his way into the mob, up the hill and past the guards - almost reaching the base of the cross. The guards again caught him and hurled him back into the mob. "John! Come to me John! Come to me," Jesus cried. This time nothing would stop him; John pushed his way through the crowd, fought off the guards, and reached the cross that his Master was on. Then he kneeled, "It is I Lord, John, what is it you wish?" Jesus looked at him and smiled, "Look John, Look! I can see your house from up here!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a guy lost his dick in an auto accident. He went to the doctor to get it replaced and the doctor pulled out a drawer with replacement dicks in it. "Those look o.k.," the unfortunate victim said, "but as long I have the opportunity, I want something a bit longer." "Sure," the Doc replied as he pulled out another drawer. "Well," the guy said, "those are pretty hefty, but what I had in mind was something truly spectacular!" The doctor grunted and begrudgingly opened a third drawer. "Now you're talking, Doc. That's exactly what I had in mind, but tell me, you got any in white?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a guy was sitting on a bus next to an old lady who was filling out a crossword puzzle. Just when he thought the trip was getting boring when the old lady leaned over and asked, "Excuse me, but can you help me with this puzzle?" "Why sure," said the guy, "What do you need help with?" "I'm look- ing for a word that describes what's on the bottom of a bird cage and ends with 'it'," said the old lady. "That's easy, 'grit'," answered the guy. "Oh, I see," said the old lady, "Can I borrow your eraser for a second?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the study the U.S. government did to discover why the a man's penis has a head on it? It took them five years and five million dollars to discover that it's there for a woman's satisfaction. After hear- ing these results, the Canadian government did a study which took one year and cost one million dollars. They discovered that the head of the penis is there for the man's pleasure. After hearing this, the Polish government spent twenty minutes and $1.49 to discover that men have a head on their penii to keep their hands from sliding off. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- University of Miami Hurricanes Football Schedule September 7 Pueblo Junior High School September 14 Cub Scout Troop #101 September 21 Colorado State Blind Academy October 5 Spanish American War Veterans October 12 St. Jude's Ladies Knitting Circle October 26 Denver's Home for Wayward Girls November 2 Girl Scout Troop #69 November 9 Boulder VD Clinic November 16 Colorado Springs Midget Academy November 23 Korean War Amputees November 30 Dallas Cowboys (Cheerleaders) Monday Night Games August 31 Kick-Off Classic Crippled Children's Home December 17 Toilet Bowl Daughter's of the American Revolution Rule Changes From Last Year 1) When playing polio victims, the Hurricanes cannot disconnect their braces unless trailing by 10 points or more. 2) When playing scouts, the Hurricanes are not allowed to eat all of their cookies. 3) When playing blind teams, the Hurricanes are not allowed to hide the foot- ball under their jerseys. 4) When playing amputees, no protests allowed about players with one leg being harder to tackle. 5) The Hurricanes will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times. 6) The Hurricanes will be allowed to substitute with band members and/or cheerleaders at any time during the game. 7) The Hurricanes will be given a first down with each gain of three or more yards. Rules Same As Last Year A touchdown, for those Hurricanes who can count that high, is still six points. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day three school boys were discussing which way you enter heaven first. The first boy said, "You enter with your hands first because you're praying to God as you go up." The second one argued, "No, no. You enter with your head first because you're thinking about God and God is in your mind." The third one retorted, "No, no, no. You enter with your feet first." Puzzled, the other two boys inquired, "Feet first? How do you figure that?" To which the boy replied, "Well, the other morning I walked in on mommy and daddy, and mommy had her feet way up in the air as she was screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A german shepard. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Whats the difference between Robin Givens and a backpacker? A: One pulls a muscle on a hike, the other pulls a hussle on a Mike. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you know what a woman says after good sex? (pause for negative answer) A: I didn't think so! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Said Saddam, the Iraqi from Hell, "By invading Kuwait I'll do well!" Oh, he made such a rout, But the ones who made out, Were Texaco, Exxon and Shell. (By Larry Firrantello) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving him a shave. Hoping to make amends, the barber asked, "Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?" "No thanks," replied the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The golfer hit the ball and it slammed into a tree and came right back at him. He doubled up in pain and as he was moaning and moaning a foursome of nurses came by. One of the nurses ran over to him and said, "Here, let me help you!" The golfer was so embarrassed that he protested he would be alright soon. The nurse said, "But I know just what to do to help you stop hurting." So she had him lie down and she proceeded to undo his belt and zip down his pants. She took his penis in her hand and began to rub it and after a little while she said, "There now. Doesn't that feel better?" The golfer replied, "Yes, but my finger still hurts like hell!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What would you rather be: a light bulb or a bowling ball? A: It depends on whether you'd rather be screwed or fingered. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many drunken Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 101 - One to hold it and 100 to drink till the room spins around. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The joke is in your momma's mouth ... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on". She put them on, but the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on but found that he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants." She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's worse than a joke about shit? A: A joke about shit thats corny. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man got drunk one night, went home and crawled into bed with his wife. Lying in bed, he let out a fart. "What the hell was that," his wife asked. "I'm playing football," he said, "The score is 6-0." His wife thought (Okay, you smart ass. I'll show you) and she let loose a fart of her own. "I'm playing too," she said. "The score's 6-6 now." The man laughed and tried to work up a real blaster but, to his dismay, he shit in the bed instead. "Halftime," he said. "We change sides." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The fireman told his wife, "From now on we're going to do things right - by the bells, like we do it at the firehouse. When I ring one bell, you meet me at the door with a kiss. Two bells means you head for the bedroom. Three bells means you undress. Four bells means you jump into bed and do what women do best." Things go according to plan, except the wife picked up the bell while they were in the sack one night and rang it five times. "What the hell does that mean," the fireman asked. The wife replied, "That means reel out more hose, you aren't close enough to the fire." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anal Sex: The man in the moon. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- More fine literature: "V.D." (Dick Hertz) "Treasue in the Outhouse" (I. P. Gold) "Male Anatomy" (Hugh G. Rection) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why are camels called 'The ships of the desert'? A: Because they are full of Iraqi semen! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. It was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICYFRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH HENRY!" as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARY JANE said, "You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS." Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One fine day in the summer of 1980, a Polish architect gathered thousands and thousands of Polish steelworkers, carpenters, etc. and said to them, "We have to do something about the way the world looks at Poland! We should build the biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other, then they will respect us, so go to it ... for Poland!" So the inspired laborers went off and come back 10 years later. The foreman announced, "We have built the biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other!" The architect of the idea asked, "Well where is it, across the Atlantic?" "No, not quite that big." "Across the Mediterranean?" "No, not there either." "Then where the hell is it!?" "It is in the middle of the Sahara desert," said the foreman proudly. "What?", said the archtitect in disbelief. "Quick, take it down before someone sees it. Blow it up if you have to!" So the foreman left. Soon he came back and said, "We can't." "Why not?" is the replied the angry architect. "Because," explained the foreman, "there are 500 Italians fishing off of it!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE TURNING REPUBLICAN (By Dave Barry) The Republicans have a high Beady-eyed, self-righteous, scary, borderline loon quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, and the entire state of Utah, etc. It's very common for people reaching middle age to turn into Republicans. It can happen overnight. You go to bed as your regular old T-shirt-wearing self, and you wake up the next morning with Ralph Lauren clothing and friends named "Muffy". Here are some other signs to watch for: -- You find yourself judging political candidates solely on the basis of whether or not they'd raise your taxes. "Well", you say, "He *was* convicted in those machete slaying, but at least he won't raise my taxes." -- You start clapping wrong to music. This is something I've noticed about Republicans at the conventions. The band will start playing something vaguely upbeat - a real GOB rocker such as "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" - and the delegates will decide to get funky and clap along, and it immediately becomes clear that they all suffer from a tragic Rhythm Deficiency, possibly caused by years of dancing the Bunny Hop to bands with names like "Leon Wudge and His Sounds of Clinical Depression." To determine whether Repub- lican Rhythm Impairment is afflicting you, you should take the Ray Charles Clapping Test. All you do is hum the song "Hit the Road Jack" and clap along. A rhythmically normal person will clap as follows: "Hit the road, (clap, clap)." (By the way, if you don't even *know* the song "Hit the Road Jack," then not only are you a Republican, but you might even be Cabinet material.) I'll tell you what's weird. Not only is our generation turning into Repub- licans, but we also have a whole generation coming after us that's starting *out* as Republicans. With the exception of a few dozen spittle-emitting radicals I saw at the 1988 Democratic convention in Atlanta, the younger generations today are already so conservative they make William F. Buckley Jr. look like Ho Chi Minh. What I'm wondering is, what will they be like when they are our age? Will they, too, change their political philosophy? Will millions of young urban professionals turn 40 and all of a sudden start turning into left-wing anti-establishment hippies, smoking pot on the racquetball court and putting Che Guevara posters up in the conference room and pasting flower decals all over their cellular telephone? It will be an exciting time to look forward to. I plan to be dead. ("Dave Berry Turns 40") ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for help. He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was sporting a ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was any cure for this strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled, soaked a cloth in alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The sailor looked down and saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the doctor and ran off to catch his ship. A few months later, another sailor came to the doctor and said to him: "A few months back, my buddy came here with a ring around his dick, and he said you just rubbed it three times and he was cured. Well, I have a similar problem ..." The sailor pulled down his pants and showed off his dick, which was sporting an emerald green ring around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached into a pocket, took out a large knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's dick. "What did you do that for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had lipstick around his dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night an elderly couple was sitting on the front porch in their rocking chairs. All of a sudden, the old woman leaned over and knocked the crap out of the old man. The old man, laying on the ground asked, "What was that for?" The old woman answered, "That's for having such a small sex organ all these years." So the old man got back on his rocker again. After a few minutes the old man leaned over and knocked the crap out of the old lady. The old lady said, "What the heck was that for?" The old man replied, "For knowing the damn difference." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't mexicans have checking accounts? A: It's hard to spray paint your name on that little line. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- MEDICAL TERMS FOR THE LAYMAN, KENTUCKY STYLE Artery................... The study of fine pictures. Barium................... What you do when the C.P.R. fails. Cesarean Section......... A business district in Rome, Italy. Colic.................... A type of sheep dog. Coma..................... A punctuation mark. Congenital............... Friendly. Dilate................... To live longer. Fester................... Quicker. G.I. Series.............. A baseball game between teams of soldiers. Grippe................... A suitcase. Hangnail................. A coat hook. Medical Staff............ A doctor's walkin cane. Minor Operation.......... Coal digging. Morbid................... A higher offer. Nitrate.................. A lower bid than the day rate. Node..................... Was aware of it. Organic.................. A church musician. Orgasm................... Japanese art of folding paper. Outpatient............... A person who has fainted. Post-Operative........... A letter carrier. Protein.................. In favor of young people. Secretion................ Hiding anything. Serology................. Study of English Knighthood. Tablet................... A small table. Tumor.................... An extra pair. Urine.................... Opposite of Your Out. Varicose Veins........... Veins which are very close together. Benign................... What you are after you are eight. It is important as an med student in Kentucky to remember the four basic rules: 1) Speak slow with small words. 2) Place a rolled up tissue in your lip so your speech pattern resembles someone from Kentucky. 3) A hillbilly male is not commotose, that is just their normal lifestyle. 4) A young Kentucky girl is not a virgin unless she has no brothers. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear that Ronald McDonald was arrested? A: He tried to stick his big mac in Wendy's hot and juicy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A polish guy walked into a store and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy a pound of kielbasa." "You must be polish," the clerk replied. The polish guy, getting a little irritated, responded, "Why do you say that? If I ordered pasta would you say I was Italian?" "No," said the clerk. "If I ordered matzoh ball soup, would you say I was jewish?" "No," said the clerk. "If I ordered a crossaint, would you say I was french?" "No," said the clerk. "Then what makes you think I'm polish?" "Because this is a hardware store." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A police man pulls over a jewish man driving on the freeway and said "Mister, did you know your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?" The jewish man said, "Thank god, for a moment there, I thought I was going deaf!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many fraternity guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Frat guys don't screw in lightbulbs - they screw in pools of their own vomit. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo? A: In a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is long and pink and drags the ocean floor? A: Moby's dick. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know a guy so dumb, he thinks 'innuendo' is an Italian suppository. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the possum cross the road? A: I don't know, haven't seen one make it yet. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Saddam Hussien were to pull out of Kuwait right now, it would be an example of Kuwaitus Interruptus. He would still be put in jail for Saddamizing Kuwait. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sex is better than logic but I can't prove it. -----