" 'The people of Krikkit,' said His High Judgemental Supremacy,
     Judiciary Pag, L.I.V.R. (the Learned, Impartial, and Very Relaxed),
     Chairman of the Board of Judges at the Krikkit War Crimes Trial, 'are
     well, you know, they're just a bunch of real sweet guys, you know, who
     just happen to want to kill everybody.  Hell, I feel the same way some
     mornings.' "
	   --- from ELife, the Universe, and EverythingR

	  "What has four wheels and flies?  A garbage truck!"
	      --- Chico Marx

	  "Ladies and gentlemen- gentlemen and ladies.  Students and faculty-
     faculty and students.  I thought my razor was dull until I heard this
     speech."
	      --- Grouucho Marx

	  "A demented song I will sing you
	   A classic of poetry and wit
	   Last night when I went in my bathroom
	   I stepped in a big pile of-

	   Shaving cream
	   Be nice and clean
	   Shave every day and
	   You'll always look keen."
	     --- Dr. Demento

	   "Let me not criticize a man
	    until I have walked a mile in his moccasins."
	       --- Indian proverb

	   "I thought you might like to know that I'm feeling very
	      depressed."
		    --- Marvin the Paranoid Android

	   "Sign at ski resort: 'Laws of gravity strictly enforced.'"
		    --- ???

	   "Never wear a hat that has more character than you have."
		    --- Michael Harris

	   "Cast your bread upon the waters , and you'll be accused
	      of polluting the environment."
		    --- Jon Broome

	   "In times like these, remember there have always been
	      times like these."
		    --- Paul Harvey

	   Albrecht's Analogy: I have a vacuum-tube mind in a solid-state
	      world.
		    --- George Albrecht

	   Alex's Iron Axiom: Life is the ultimate IQ test.
		    --- Alex Fraser

	   Amis's Advice: Go ahead and be different- if you think you
	      can stand the beating you'll get.
		    --- Jim Amis

	   Ancient Volkswagen Proverb: Anything adjustible will sooner
	      or later need adjustment.
		    --- The California Aggie

	   Ben's Highway Rule: If you see one Army truck, you'll see
	      a hundred more.
		    --- Ben Brown, age 6

	   Blay's Discovery: Long-playing recordings scratch, pop, click,
	      wobble, and warp in direct proportion to the value placed
	      on them by their owners.	Hated recordings have built-in
	      damage inhibitors and only self-destruct when they are
	      passed on to a loving recipient.
		    --- Robert E. Blay

	   Boston's Discovery: Cash flow is an oxymoron.
		    --- Bruce Boston

	   Brabender's Law: The most inactive player during the World
	      Series will be the most active during the club follies.
		    --- George Vecsey

	   Brian's Observation: The longer you wait to write a thank-you
	      note, the longer it must be.
		    --- from Jean Pike

	   Caroline's Law of Dinner Preparedness: When the smoke alarm
	      goes off, dinner is served.
		    --- Caroline Curtis

	   Chaplin's Rules: [1] The smaller the democracy, the more
	      complicated its political system.  [2]  The newer the
	      democracy, the longer its national anthem.
		    --- Stephen M. Chaplin

	   Chuck's Law of Contract Negotiations: Travesty is a constant-
	      no matter which side of the table you sit on.
		    --- Gerald Lee Steese

	   Clarke's Law: Improving something is admirable, but, in-
	      evitably, five times zero is still zero.
		    --- Dean Travis Clarke

	   Crescimbeni's Rule on Air Travel: Don't be afraid of
	      flying; be afraid of crashing!
		    --- Joseph Crescimbeni

	   Corporate Morality, Maxim of: Morality moves down the
	      corporate ladder, seldom up.
		    --- The 59-Second Employee

	   Crock's Law: No matter how large an area you are in,
	      if a fly is present, it will land on you.
		    --- Terry L. Crock

	   Data Processing Laws [Assorted]: [1] On a clear disk you
	      can seek forever.  [2] Programs seek to expand themselves
	      beyond availible memory.	[3] Compatible tapes aren't.
		    --- Virginia Beckwith

	   Depuy's Dictates: [1] In any magazine the number of pages
	      lacking page numbers is directly proportional to the
	      number of advertisements.  [2] Most unnumbered pages occur
	      in those parts of the magazine to which the reader is
	      directed for article continuations.
		    --- Raymond H. Depuy

	   DeRock's Law of Dullness: Dullness is directly proportional
	      to the number of brown shirts in a crowd.
		    --- Doug DeRock

	   Dillon's Rule: The soup de jour is always cream of broccoli.
		    --- Janet Dillon

	   Dr. J's Distinction: If they say they love you, trust their
	      behavior.  If they say they don't love you, trust their
	      words.
		    --- John H Dickey, Ph.D.

	   Dolan's Law: If a person has had any connection with Harvard
	      University of the state of Texas, he will find a way to
	      make that known to you during the first 10 minutes of
	      your first conversation.
		    --- Marty Dolan, from Joseph M. McCabe

	   DuBow's Laws of Attorney-Fee Compensation: [1] Never accept
	      a check from a man accused of passing bad ones.
	      [2] Never accept cash from a man accused of counterfeiting.
	      [3] If your client is a good-looking woman and wants a
	      divorce, get your fee in advance.
		    --- Myron DuBow

	   Dwyer's Law of Pins: If you unwrap a new article of clothing
	      that is secured by n pins, you will remove n-1 pins.  And
	      that one pin will pierce you in a place that hurts.
		    --- Edward J. Dwyer

	   Ensminger's Theory of Multiplication: Trees always drop more
	      leaves that they bear.
		    --- Jim Ensminger, from John Schaefer

	   Evans' Law of Creation: It is ironic that the most sophisti-
	      cated eye in all of nature's creation was given to the
	      common housefly- so that it may better sit on your
	      potato salad.
		    --- James T. Evans

	   Farmer's Law: The easiest crops to grow are weeds and
	      pests.
		    --- from Thomas Gill