111 SLICK WILLY JOKES (PG-13) ##################### Once upon a time there was a governor called Slick Willy. He was very slick indeed and had certain ideas on how to win an election. You see, one of his heroes had taught him a seemingly infallible method. Infallible method for winning elections --------------------------------------- (1) Choose a `minority' (BUT do not define it too clearly). (This step won't work with a majority.) (2) Portray this minority as `the root of all evil'. (Even if you know it isn't, lying is allowed on this step.) (3) Then sit back while the `majority' votes you into power. (Later you can treat the majority and minority alike.) (4) Go to your bunker - Eva is waiting. Of course, we all know who Slick Willy's hero is - the Fuhrer himself - Adolf Hitler. Hitler chose as his minority the Jews. Slick Willy has chosen the rich. From a historical standpoint, Slick Willy has the winning edge here. He has chosen the proven road of the Marxists. However, one must forgive Hitler and try to understand his flexibility. Germany was left with nothing after WWI. Even Germans of Jewish descent had no money. So he couldn't very well target the rich now could he. Were he alive today, I'm sure the little guy would endorse Slick Willy's procedure. After, all they are both agents of change, and admit that character is a non-issue. Hitler efficiently, and with little effort, eradicated 6 million of the `minority') and went on to sucessfully lose the war. Slick Willy already has his liberal gestapos in the field getting ready for the moment he is elected. Just wait for the day some gutless unwashed homo with a pink Slick Willy arm band says to you "How dare you have a job, a family, and a home. How dare you be happy? What kind of an American are you?" Or "Exactly how long HAVE you been selling Kool-Aid on this corner little boy? May I see your W2 form?" Slick Willy has been up late checking out all of the possible definitions and interpretations of the word "RICH" - it means "Just about everybody!". Why The Jokes? -------------- If movies such as "The Producers" by Mel Brooks (featuring the song "Springtime for Hitler and Germany") and The Great Dictator (starring Charlie Chaplin) had of been shown in the theaters before Hitler's rise, there would have been NO HITLER. Put another way, Hitler was a funny little jerk until a naive majority empowered him to kill 6 million of the minority. It is for that reason that I have unselfishly given of my valuable time to create the following comedic `gems'. If these jokes make you see Slick Willy for the incredible buffoon that he is, and thus vote against him, I will feel amply rewarded. ********** Here they come, Bon Appetit!!!!! ********** 1) It's not common knowledge that Slick Willie tried to get into the Army as an 8F - in case of an enemy invasion, he'd be sent overseas! 2) Slick Willy is for higher learning. He wants to subsidize 'training bras'. 3) I don't want to say that Willy is Slick, but he convinced Mario Cuomo that capital punishment is acceptable ONLY if it's not too severe. 4) Hillary has always been spouting off at the mouth. Until she was 6 months old, her parents were diapering the wrong end! 5) When Slick Willy was a baby, he bawled all night. Now only the spelling has been changed. 6) One night, when Slick Willy was in bed with Jennifer Flowers, he heard the front door open. Jennifer quickly said "That must be my husband, ... go faster .... I'm coming ... I'm coming" Slick Willy quickly added "Kiss my ass, I'm going ... I'm going" 7) The polls show that Slick Willy might be president. I don't want to say it could be a rough economy but I just saw a squirrel bury 4 acorns and a can of sterno. 8) Hillary found Slick Willy in bed with another woman and angrily asked "What the hell are you doing?". Slick Willy looked at her with disgust, then looked down at his bimbo and said "Didn't I tell you she was stupid?" 9) Hillary comes home one day to find Slick Willy in bed with a midget. Her face becomes contorted (more than it usually is) when she screams "You promised you'd never cheat on me again." Slick Willy innocently looks up at her and replies "Can't you see I'm trying to taper off". 10) Hillary confides to Tipper that Slick Willy has cut her down to sex two times a month. Tipper says to her "Don't feel too bad, I know a girl he cut out completely." 11) In sizing up the global economy, Slick Willy said, "There's nothing more expensive than a girl who's free for the evening." 12) Slick Willy is so politically correct his favorite color is plaid! 13) Slick Willy was speaking in front of a group of small business owners and says "Remember, we were put on this earth to help OTHERS", to which one of the owners replies, "And what were the OTHERS put here for?" 14) Slick Willy is like an unemployed schoolteacher? No class and no priciples! 15) In his high school year book, Slick Willy was chosen as the "Boy Most Likely To" 16) Slick Willy must be with the secret service...he's always undercover" 17) What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead liberal? There are skid marks in front of the dead dog..... 18) What did Slick Willy whisper to Jennifer Flowers concerning the Martin Luther King holiday? "Shoot four more and we'll take the whole week off" 19) You know what happened when Slick Willy went swimming in the ocean - OIL SLICK!!! 20) Why is the democratic party like granola? Cause once you get passed all the fruits and the nuts, all you have left is the flakes! 21) Slick Willy stopped calling Hillary "the little woman" once she started calling him "the big mistake". 22) Slick Willy takes Hillary out every night...but she keeps coming back. 23) Slick Willy is a guy who'd like to do all the things Hillary thinks he does. 24) Slick Willy's not a 'yes-man'. When Hillary says "no", he says "no". 25) When Slick Willy married Hillary, he lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness. 26) They say "It's a priviledge to be able to pay taxes". If Slick Willy becomes president, I will have to give up the priviledge. 27) I built a business so that my children would someday take it over. However, if Slick Willy is elected, the government will certainly beat my children to it. 28) Slick Willy will finally put poverty within our reach! 29) "Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today". After all, Slick Willy will have a tax on it by then. 30) Slick Willy just invented a new drink called the `tax cocktail'. After an extramartial partner drinks two of them, she withholds nothing... 31) Slick Willy plans to lick inflation. According to Jennifer Flowers, it's the only thing left for him to lick. 32) Slick Willy is the flower of manhood - he's a blooming idiot! 33) I wouldn't say that Hillary is rotten, but you get the feeling Eva Braun didn't die in that bunker. 34) They once caught Slick Willy skinny dipping in the pool - the secretarial pool that is.... 35) If Slick Willy becomes president, `going-out-of-business' stores will! 36) A very concerned Slick Willy once said to his girl friend's obstetrician "Tell me the truth doctor, how long do I have to leave town?' 37) Slick Willy once got beaten up for kissing the bride. It was three years after the ceremony. 38) Slick Willy once told Al Bore "I'll sleep with rich or poor girls anywhere and anytime". Al asks "What's the difference?" Slick Willy says "Well, those that are poor, I help out". 39) Slick Willy called an electrician to do some home repairs and found out that he charged $85 per hour. Slick Willy said "Eighty-five dollars an hour? I never made that much even when I was governor" The electrician replied "Neither did I when YOU were governor....!! 40) With Mario Cuomo's legislative record on abortion, when he goes to confession, he brings his lawyer! (I know. These are supposed to be Slick Willy jokes... I'm sorry ... my mind wandered ...) 41) If George Bush were to say "Listen, America. Opportunity is knocking", Slick Willy would complain about the noise. 42) Slick Willy has invented a new antiperspirant - unemployment!! 43) When Slick Willy was asked how he felt about lesbians, he said "I don't know, I've never been to Beirut." 44) You can always tell when Slick Willy is lying....his lips are moving. 45) Slick Willy once remarked incredulously "If George Washington never told a lie, HOW did he become president?" 46) When Slick Willy becomes president, he'll make us all `tap dancers in the canoe of life'. 47) Teddy's new boat was bright blue Had a date with a maiden he knew The coroner found The poor girl had drowned Kissing Ted in his leaky canoe!! (oops,my mind wandered again!) 48) Unhappy at the state of little Slick Willy's room, his mother came up with a new rule: Every time she picked something up, he would have to pay her a dime. At the end of the first week she added up the chores and asked Slick Willy for ninety cents. He paid her and said "Thanks Ma .... Keep up the good work...." 49) Slick Willy promises UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICES WITH VALET PARKING. 50) Don't let anybody kid you. Slick Willy's been in love with the same woman for years. But if Hillary ever finds out, she'll kill him... 51) Slick Willy always has said "It is better to have loved and lost.... much better......" 52) Slick Willy and Hillary were `riding the hobbyhorse' one night and both noticed there was a lack of mutual enthusiasm. After a while Slick Willy said "What's the matter Hillary ... can't you think of anybody either?" 53) A family in Slick Willy's Arkansas finally found out why they had trouble keeping up with the Joneses - the Joneses were on welfare. 54) After Slick Willy becomes president they'll be a lot of things your money can't buy - like what your money bought a week ago. 55) Slick Willy said to a group of businessmen, "When I was a kid, I wanted to be a pirate." They cheered in unison "Congratulations!" 56) Slick Willy's got property in Atlantic City. A motel still has one of his bags. 57) A prostitute met ninety-year-old Slick Willy at a bar. In usual form, he asked her if she wanted to have some fun. She said "Oh come on, you've had it." He replied "Ok, how much do I owe you?" 58) Slick Willy, in defending his foreign policies, says "I know how to handle the Arabs". A reporter asks "What would you do with the Bedouins?". Slick Willy replies "The Bedouins we oppose .... the Goodouins we support." 59) Slick Willy wanted Hillary in his arms, but instead, found her on his hands. 60) The psychiatrist waited until His Royal Slickness was comfortable on the couch, then said "Why don't you start at the beginning..." Slick Willyy said "OK. In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth....." 61) The plane landed. Slick Willy, while walking down the mobile steps, looked at the panorama and remarked "I have never seen such utter devastation. It's amazing what a hurricane can do." The pilot said "Governor, we were in Homestead yesterday, this is Arkansas." 62) If Slick Willy becomes president, many people will be willing to trade their checks for the withholding. 63) If Slick Willy never inhaled, why is Hillary measuring the presidential chair for a seat belt. 64) You can't call Slick Willy a cheap politician. He cost his state a fortune. 65) Slick Willie is more than happy to stand on his record. That way, nobody can see it. 66) Slick Willy is just the man to get the country moving. If he wins, I'm moving. 67) Slick Willy and Hillary had just consummated their marriage. Hillary asked Willy "Was I the first?". He replied "Why does everybody ask me that question!" 68) A conductor went down the aisle of the train shouting "Change for Marietta...Change for Marietta". A very young Slick Willy said "I don't know who this Marietta is, but I'll throw in a quarter for her." 69) They now have a train that can go 200 miles an hour through Arkansas. Considering the results of the Slick Willy governorship, that's not a bad way to go through Arkansas. 70) Hillary has the look that turns heads ..... and stomachs too ... 71) A young black lady found herself in a delicate condition. Going to see Slick Willy, the father, she said, "If you don't marry me, I'll kill myself." To which his grand slickness replied "That's very nice of you." 72) Slick Willy's `new covenant' clearly accepts all denominations - tens, twenties, fifties, ............. 73) When Chelsea was born to Hillary and Slick Willy, he asked "What makes you think she's going to be a liberal democrat?" Hillary replied "Cause like you, she says so many things that sound great and mean nothing." 74) Many democrats in congress are calling it quits - there's nothing left to steal.... 75) Slick Willy's shades were falling fast When for a kiss he asked her She must have said "yes" because Willy's shades came down much faster 76) Success hasn't changed Slick Willy. He's still the same lousy womanizing bum he's always been .... 77) Did you know that Slick Willy once got a hernia during a consciousness- raising session? 78) Slick Willy and Al Bore still haven't learned that a "communist" is somebody who has nothing and wants to share it with you. 79) Slick Willy suddenly started to feel a pain in his groin. After examining him, the doctor said, "How often do you make love?" Slick Willy says "Three or four times a day with various extramarital beauties and maybe twice a week with Hillary." The doctor says "You're going to have to slow down. Why don't you start by cutting out Hillary." Slick Willy replies "Damn it, I can't do that. If I do, I'll have to make her Secretary of State." 80) Little known fact: When Slick Willy went on jury duty they found him guilty..... 81) When Slick Willy was a youngster, he had an inferiority complex - that was the last time he was right about anything! 82) For every woman that has made a fool out of Slick Willy, there is another woman who has made a fool out of Slick Willy. 83) There are as many Slick Willys as there are whores to describe him. 84) If Slick Willy had his life to live over, he shouldn't! 85) It's too bad Slick Willy has never had an X-ray. That way even his supporters would be able to see through him... 86) Have you noticed that Vilhelm Von Slick Willy is always hoarse. That's because he tries to prove he is right by being wrong at the top of his lungs. 87) Slick Willy has promised to make us all upstanding citizens. He'll take our furniture too! 88) Slick Willy has something in common with Adolf Hitler - they only call Dial-A-Prayer to see if they have any messages.... 89) In this picture we see Slick Willy and Al Bore working together for the first time as members of the same tug-of-war team - they're the 1st and 2nd jerks from the right. 90) Slick Willy has admitted "I'm glad Hillary has joined the feminist movement. Now she complains about all men, not just me! 91) During a feminist demonstration, one feminazi was screaming "Free Women! ... Free Women!" Slick Willy, who happened to be working his way through the crowd, asked her quietly "Do you deliver?" 92) Slick Willy has been giving George Bush the benefit of his inexperience. 93) Hillary wasn't born yesterday. Nobody could get that ugly in 24 hours. 94) Slick Willy says to Al Bore, "I can't break Hillary of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What does she do?", Al asks. "Waits for me to get home", Slick Willy answers. 95) If Slick Willy becomes president, he'll undoubtably hire a beautiful secretary and make her the object of a presidential probe." 96) Slick Willy loves hi-tech computers. He always has his Wang in his hand.... 97) Slick Willy thinks Catholics are inferior Yet, to win, he needs JFK's interior "I'll get that vote" Slick Willy wrote "If I have to sleep with the Mother Superior" (and he probably has). 98) When Hillary was in college, her mother said to her, "Don't play with boys, they're too rough". Hillary replied "Don't worry mother, I've found a teflon one." 99) As a business man, Slick Willy worries me. He thinks Dun & Bradstreet is an intersection! 100) Tipper Bore says to Hillary, "Hey, I love your new panties and bra". Hillary replies "Yeah, they are nice, Slick Willy got 'em for me". Tipper says "Were they a suprise?" Hillary says "They sure were...I came home...and there they were, hanging over a chair in the bedroom... 101) Slick Willy was discussing his healthy sex life with Al Bore, the environmental whacko, and Al, after hearing all of the sordid details curiously askes Slick Willy, "Do you ever talk to Hillary after sex" ... Slick Willy says, "No, but I could, I have her office phone number..." 102) One day Slick Willy was reading the newspaper. Hillary walked over and, noticing a picture of Jennifer Flowers, broke into tears. Slick Willy broke down and admitted having an affair. However, to soften the blow, he showed Hillary the adjoining column which featured a picture of Bush's supposed extramarital partner. After looking back and forth at the two pictures, she looked at Slick Willy once again and said "I like ours better...." 103) One day Slick Willy admitted to Al Bore "My wife Hillary is such a liar." Al Bore said "What did she do?" Slick Willy said "She told me she was with Jennifer Flowers all night last night." Al said "How do you know it was a lie?" Slick Willy said "Because I spent last night with Jennifer Flowers." 104) Slick Willy says to Hillary, "Listen dear, I'm having an affair..." To which Hillary replies, "Really?.... Who's catering it? ....." 105) What's the difference between Slick Willy's platform and a messy room? ...... You can straighten up a messy room. 106) When Slick Willy was recently asked about the new abortion bill, he said, "Ah thought Ah paid it!" 107) Slick Willy fully supports the feminist movement in America because "It gives all them babes something to do in their spare time." 108) What does Slick Willy have in common with Seven-Up?........... Never had it, never will.... 109) Al Bore has isolated the cause of sickle-cell anemia? It's from the glue on food stamps! Good job, Al.... 110) Know why Slick Willy has no freckles?.... they slid off .... 111) The biggest joke of all - Slick Willy as president. There is nothing funnier (except the naive jerks that vote for him). On second thought, maybe it's not so funny!? & MORE ON THE WAY!!!! ##################################################################### P.S. If you still think you might vote for Slick Willy, remember: ***************************************************** * The measure of a man's character is what he * * would be if he knew he would never be found out. * ***************************************************** Just keep saying this over and over as you reach for the deadly Slick Willy lever. ##################################################################### Frank B. Wylde - The Master of Comedy Frank's Funhouse Indy's No.1 Comedy BBS 317-571-3436 Open 24 Action Packed Hours Instant Access!