* From the New Yorker Magazine: Article by Bruce McCall * ====================================================================== ROLLED IN RARE BOHEMIAN ONYX, THEN VULCANIZED BY HAND Here's an offer that's so limited, you can't have it. Dear Eminent Patron of the Mail Order Arts: Imagine a collector's item so exquisitely detailed that each is actually INVISIBLE to the naked eye. Think of an heirloom so limited in availability that when you order it, the mint specially constructed to craft it will be DEMOLISHED. Ponder an item so precious that its value has actually TRIPLED since you began reading this. KILN-FIRED IN EDIBLE TWENTY-FOUR-CALORIE SILVER Never before in human history has the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint (not a U.S. Government body) commissioned such a rarity. Consider: Miniature pewterine reproductions, authenticated by the World Court at The Hague and sent to you in moisture-resistant Styrofoam chests, of the front-door letters of Hollywood's most beloved character actors and actresses. A special blue-ribbon Advisory Panel will insure that the Foundation Council's certificated and inscribed insignia is approved by Her Majesty's Master of Heralds before the application deadline. Meanwhile, they are yours to inspect in the privacy of your home, office, shop, or den for TWENTY YEARS by express permission, already withdrawn, of the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint -- the only mint authorized to stamp your application with its own seal. The equivalent of three centuries of painstaking historical research, supervised by the U.S. Bureau of Mines, has preceded this issue of THE ORNAMENTAL HANDLES OF THE WALKING CANES OF THE HOHENZOLLERN PRINCELINGS. Our miniature craftsmen have designed, cast, struck, etched, forged, and finished these authentic reproductions -- not available in any store, even before they were commissioned -- literally WITHOUT REGARD for quality. CERTIFIED BY THE AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB But now, through a special arrangement with the Postmaster General of the Republic of San Marino, this seventy-two piece commemorative plinth, honoring THE FOOTPRINTS OF THE GREAT JEWEL THIEVES OF THE FRENCH RIVIERA -- each encased in its own watered-silk caddy that revolved 360 degrees on genuine Swedish steel ball bearings -- has been canceled. A unique way, you will agree, of introducing you and your loved ones to THE GREAT COOKIE JARS OF THE RESTORATION, just like those Congreve the boy must have pilfered from. They are so authentic that you can actually smell them with your nose. And don't forget: every set of hand-fired porcelain reproductions of THE PADLOCKS OF THE FREE WORLD'S GREAT CUSTOMS HOUSES comes sealed in an airtight cask, fashioned after the shoe locker of a Mogul emperor so famous that we are prohibited from disclosing his name. TWELVE MEN DIED TO MAKE THE INGOTS PERFECT But why, as a prudent investor, should you spend thousands of dollars, every month for a lifetime, to acquire this eighty-eight-piece set of OFFICIAL DIPLOMATIC LICENCE PLATES OF THE WORLD'S GREAT GOVERNMENTS-IN-EXILE? One Minnesota collector comments, "I never expected to buy an item so desirable that it has already kept its haunting fascination forever." But even this merely hints at the extraordinary investment potential of the Connoisseur's Choice selection of GREAT ELEVATOR INSPECTION CERTIFICATES OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDINGS. Molded in unobtainable molybdenum, each is precision-ejected from a flying aircraft to check a zinc content that must measure .000000003 percent or the entire batch will be melted down, discarded, and forgotten. But "keepsake" is an inadequate term. Your Jubilee Edition of the 566 TUNIC BUTTONS OF THE WORLD'S LEGENDARY HOTEL PORTERS will take you from New York City to San Francisco to Hong Kong to Bombay ... and then actually PAY YOUR WAY back home. There is one more aspect for you to consider before refusing this offer. If you wish, you can have THE LAVALIERE MIKES OF TV'S GREATEST TALK SHOW CELEBRITY GUESTS, custom-mounted on driftwood plaques that serve as 175 dainty TV snack tables -- free. There is, of course, a surcharge and a handling fee, as well as the 25 percent duplication cost. But so amazing is this offer that you need only pay this levy once -- and never again be bothered by it in your mortal life. If for whatever reason you elect not to purchase the complimentary TOKENS OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST SUBWAY SYSTEMS, you still profit: The solid-gold VENETIAN GONDOLIER'S BOAT POLE TOOTHPICK and velvet-lined presentation case are yours to treasure for as long as this incredible offer lasts. Our DISTINCTIVE AX MARKS OF THE IMMORTAL BRAZILIAN RUBBER PLANTERS are in such short supply that an advance application in your name is already reserved for you. To protect your investment, NONE will be made. REGISTERED WITH THE DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES A dazzling proposition, you will agree. If you do not, your 560-piece set of BELGIUM'S MOST CHERISHED WAFFLE PATTERNS, together with your check or money order, will be buried at sea on or before midnight, April 15, 1982 -- the seventieth anniversary, college-trained historians tell us, of the sinking of the R.M.S TITANIC, one of the sixty-six GREAT MARINE DISASTERS commemorated in this never-yet-offered series, each individually bronzed, annealed, Martinized, and hickory-cured by skilled artisans working under the supervision of the Tulane University Board of Regents. Please note that each comes wrapped in authentic North Atlantic seaweed, its salt content confirmed by affidavit. Best of all, you need not order. Simply steal a new Rolls-Royce, fence it, and turn the bills into small denominations of used money (U.S. currency only, please). No salesman will call. The Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint is not a U.S. Government body. This is not an offering. The Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint P.S. If you have already begun your NAPKIN RINGS OF THE STATE SUPREME COURT DINING ROOMS collection, please disregard. ====================================================================== Copyright (C) 1981 The New Yorker Magazine, Inc.