Written by Toda Hiro-Matsu For Chameleon BBS, (713) 586-0914 On 01/16/87 at 01:02:00 PM You know, we all talk about munchkins, but it occurs to me that most of you don't really know much about the subject. So, in order to enlighten you, and as a public service, herewith some detailed data on same. Compiled, I hasten to add, at great personal cost in terms of patience, annoyance, and the assistance of several professional cryptographers. Special thanks to Dr. Aaron Parsons of Jeff Davis Mem. Hosp. psychiatric staff. MUCHKIN (munch'kin), n. 1. Lit. One of a race of diminuitive, fictional characters created by Frank L. Baum. See "Oz, Wizard of". 2. Any small person or object. 3. Comp. Any of several species of computer bulletin-board users characterized by juvenile actions and attitudes. (See separate article elsewhere.) - Encyclopaedia Galactica : Moo-Nar (Vol XVI)- Munchkin, pp. 323-325 - "...contrary to common usage, Munchkins occur in several distinctive varieties, as illustrated below, with examples. m. Vulgaris (Common Munchkin): This genus is characterized by possession of a newly-acquired 300-baud modem, unfamiliarity with same, and an assumption that all non-munchkins have nothing better to do with their time, than talk to it about same. The genus is generally incapable of reading and will persist in raising questions, e.g., about how to overcome call waiting, despite the existence of a detailed text-file on the subject available from the library. m. Vulgaris will be unaware of the existence of a text-file library, and if informed of same, will respond with queries about how to access and download same. (See "File, Help"). m.Vulgaris may be recognized by its inability to press the [?] key, or to process the results thereof. m. Vocabularis (Nospell Munchkin): Characterized by complete unfamiliarity with the usage, structure, grammatical customs, and spelling of its native tongue, Vocabularis is distinguished from its similar-appearing cousin (m.Ignoramus) by its refusal and inability to learn, as opposed to mere lack of knowledge, as well as its habit of corrupting those words which it inadvertently can spell correctly. (See k-K00l, d00dz, warez). It its native habitat, m.Vulgaris can be extremely vicious if provoked, and its response to a challenge usually requires use of a good decryption algorithm or professional cryptologist to dechiper. Staunton (q.v.) has postulated that m.Vocabularis is actually employing perfectly acceptable usages of some other language, but has been unable to put forth any candidate language which might so qualify. m.Profanus (True Munckin or Real Munchkin): Possibly the most widely known species, m.Profanus is characterized by possession of an extremely limited knowledge of short words generally considered unnecessary and unacceptable in polite or mature company. Many such words, although already short, are abbreviated due to the common munchkin trait of being unable to find the proper keys on a computer keyboard during states of high excitement. (See On, Logging). Alternatively, White & Myers have proposed that m.Profanus is frequently hybridized with both m.Vocabularis and m.Ignoramus, and that the resulting creature is prone to abbreviation due to uncertainty as to proper spelling of those few words in the list longer than 4 letters, or ignorance of their meanings. This theory has gained wide acceptance, despite the discrepancy (noted by Staunton, et al.,) that m.Profanus frequently misspells even the four-letter words. m.Downloadus (Leech Munchkin): Unlike others of the grouping, m.Downloadus actually possesses a reasonable working knowledge of his computer and modem, albeit limited to the mechanics of simple file-transfer. The species is predominantly characterized by actual useage of the words coined by m.Vocabularis (c.f. "*****", above), and not mere invention of them. m.Downloadus may be recognized in a variety of ways, including a perusal of that portion of the user log relating to upload vs. download counts (typical rations are in excess of 30:1), and by the absence of possession of any actually useful software (e.g., spreadsheet, text-processor. Note: Absence of a spelling checker is not a true indication of the species, as NO munchkin possesses or at least, makes use of, a spelling checker.) m.Downloadus is particularly fond of AE lines, but can always be found wherever software of the game or arcade type is available. Deletion or denial of individual access is generally insufficient remedy, as the species is incredibly prolific. m.Illiteratus: Distinguished from m.Vocabularis by possession of the skills lacking in the latter, m.Illiteratus has those skills, but lacks the capacity to use them. One of the most difficult species to properly identify, an Illiteratus can often be discovered through employment of a special-purpose message base having a function that is obvious from its title, and a multitude of messages clearly indicating that purpose - such as a bar, icehouse or pub. Alighting upon such a board, an Illiteratus will respond, for example with "HI. IM NEW TO THIS BORED. WHAT IS THIS BORED FOR? ARE THEIR ANY GURLZ HERE? SEND ME EMAIL!" Alternatively, m.Illiteratus can be detected by use of a discussion/debate board, upon which it will emit: "I DONT HAVE TIME TO READ ALL THOSE MESSAGES UP THEIR BUT I THINK RAYGUN SUX AND..." (&c, &c) m.Illiteratus also makes assumptions similar to those of m.Vulgaris, that all other users have nothing else to do with their time but respond to his questions, which, in E-mail, are generally quite short, and of a nature that requires a masters' thesis in response. If ignored, Illiteratus will simply re-send the question, together with an unmannered query about the lack of response. m.Pestis (Sysop's munchkin, Feedback Munchkin, or F****g munchkin) Rarely seen by the general munchkin-watching public, m.Pestis is a particular plague of BBS system operators, and is characterized by constant complaints about how a board is organized, operated and/or run. It calls these complaints, "Suggestions", and like m.Vulgaris or m.Illiteratus, assumes that its victim is obliged to respond instantly to its "suggestions", regardless of the amount of time or programming required. Being ignorant of programming itself, such matters do not enter into its awareness. m.Pestis can be identified by its constant pursuit of an ethereal and incomprehensible spiritual goal which it refers to as "real high access", which Myers and White explain as a desire to be seen to post on message bases which deny access to munchkins, thus concealing its identity. Fisher, and to some extent, Staunton, argue that this is insufficient, it being necessary to distinguish between m.Pestis and the immature or larval form of m.Sysopus, which latter form seeks information and free instruction for the purpose of operating its own primitive form of BBS. Lay persons desiring to locate m.Pestis are advised to petition a well- disposed system-operator for a brief list of most troublesome users, and to compare this list against messages posted on the various boards. Those which are listed by the Sysop, but which have not posted in living memory are almost certainly examples of m.Pestis. X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845 Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649 Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766 realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043 Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102 Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality, insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS. Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are, where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother. "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X