Collection of One-Liners Programmers get overlaid. People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? He who laughs last didn't get the joke. Digital circuits are made from analog parts. He who hesitates is last. A man's house is his hassle. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. Go climb a gravity well. A man's best friend is his dogma. A penny saved is ridiculous. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one loop.......... And at least one bug! No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Schizophrenia beats being alone. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. Jesus Saves Vishnu invests. If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. Old musicians never die, they just decompose. We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn! Atheism is a non-prophet organization. An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec. He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. When you're up to your hips in alligators, You forget the original project was to drain the swamp. Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door. He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. May all your PUSHes be POPed. COLE's LAW - Thinly sliced cabbage. Do married women make the best wives? Three can keep a secret, if two are dead. Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl. Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan- On. He who laughs last is probably your boss. Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsp) . It is hard to fly with the eagls When you work with the turkys. Basi is a high leve langish. Pruns give you a run for your mone. Eat prun yogut for that "get up and go" feelng. More peope have died in Tedd Kenndy's car than in nuclar powe plans. Teacers have clas. Foun on a door in the MSU musi builing: This door is barouen, pleae wigge Handl. (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) Physicists get hadrons. Female programmers get their bits twiddled. Constants aren't; variables don't. You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split. Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten. Mobius strippers never show you their back side. Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise: "Where no man has gone before" Celibacy is NOT hereditary. On a clear disk you can seek forever. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Neuroses are red, Melancholia's blue. I'm schizophrenic, What are you? Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt. Grass is nature's way of saying "High!" Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality. Money is the root of all wealth. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you! Men have many faults, Women only two: Everything they say, And everything they do! Happiness is twin floppies. Happiness is a hard disk. Teamwork is vital! (It gives you someone to blame.) Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate. If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? Chemists really know their bismuth. If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system. The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. Eschew Obfuscation! Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical? Recursive, adj.; see Recursive An expert is someone from out of town. Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. Poverty begins at home. Do it today, Tomorrow it will be illegal. Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. Rubber bands have snappy endings! COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. An idle mind is worth two in the bush. It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. It's better to copulate than never! A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. Clones are people two. Microwaves frizz your heir. God did not create the world in seven days. He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter. When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and Incommode You". Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray. We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy! Going the speed of light is bad for your age. White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. There's no future in time travel. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. Confucious say too damn much! Reality does not exist - yet. Sentient plasmoids are a gas. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated. Small programs are for small minds. I BM. You BM.e all BM for IBM! Satyrs have more faun. Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. Lawyers do it in their briefs. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Things worth having are worth cheating for. Psychiatrists stay on your mind. Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state. Raise ducks for quack profit. Part- time musicians are semiconductor. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Interchangeabe parts won't. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs. Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs. We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined several times by example of what it is not. APL is a write only language: You can write programs in it; but try and read them! Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool. The devil finds work for idle glands. A friend in need is a pest indeed. Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages will be known, far and wide, as a smart- ass. Two is company, three is an orgy. He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck. Women should be obscene and not heard. Do unto others before they undo you. Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first! Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. The best things in life are for a fee. He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end I wouldn't be suprised! Pilots are just plane folks. Carpenters are just plane folks. Midwest farmers are just plain folks. Musicians are just playin' folks. Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. Be alert, America needs more lerts. Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot. No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing. Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot. Computer Engineers do it bit by bit. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa. Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to. Smile! Things can only get worse. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that want to BE something, and those that want to DO something. (There is less competition in the second category.) Vice Versa - poems about brothels? Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo. Call the Visionary's Hide-Away! ({-> X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm) & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845 The Salted Slug Strange 408-454-9368 Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766 realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043 Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102 Tomorrow's 0rder of Magnitude Finger_Man 415-961-9315 My Dog Bit Jesus Suzanne D'Fault 510-658-8078 New Dork Sublime Demented Pimiento 415-566-0126 Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives, arcane knowledge, political extremism, diverse sexuality, insane speculation, and wild rumours. 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