TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

                   HUMOR BY HOUDEL RUDEN

WHEN ALL THROUGH THE DWELLING,THE ADULTS WHERE UNCONSCIOUS,
THE BRATS HAD STOPPED YELLING;
THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG WITH A JE NE SAIS QUOI
IN HOPES WE'D GET PRESENTS (ESPECIALLY MOI).
THEY HAD EXHAUSTED THEMSELVES WITH THEIR PLAY
HAD WRECKED THE HOUSE AND WERE THROUGH FOR THE DAY;
AND MY LADY AND I, HAVING EARNED OUR REPOSE,
WERE CONTENTEDLY SNORING (OR SO I SUPPOSE).
WHEN SOON FROM THE LIVING ROOM, SOMEONE GURGLED,AND I QUAKED WITH 
ALARM,
FOR I THOUGHT WE'D BEEN BURGLED;
AND ARMED WITH A BASEBALL BAT, HEART FILLED WITH TERROR,
I CREPT TO THE SCENE AND DISCOVERED MY ERROR.
FOR THIS WAS NO BURGLAR I'D ENTERED TO WATCH:
IT WAS ONLY SAINT NICHOLAS DRINKING MY SCOTCH.
"HELP YOURSELF, FATHER CHRISTMAS!" AND "WELCOME!" I CRIED;
"SO I HAVE, AND 'TIS VERY GOOD STUFF," HE REPLIED.
HIS EYES - HOW THEY TWINKLED!
HIS NOSE - HOW IT GLOWED!
HIS TEETH WERE ENORMOUS, AND ALL OF THEM SHOWED!
HE CARRIED NO BUNDLE, A BRIEFCASE WAS ALL;
THE STOCKINGS HUNG EMPTY, FORLORN ON THE WALL.
AND WHERE WERE THE REINDEER?
HAD ALL OF THEM DIED?
THERE WAS ONLY A LIMOUSINE WAITING OUTSIDE.
I REPROACHED HIM: "KRIS KRINGLE, YOU'VE GROWN VERY LAX!"
"I DON'T KNOW ANY KRINGLE; I'VE COME FOR YOUR TAX."
"A NEW LAW," HE EXPLAINED WITH A COMICAL DANCE.
"SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO PAY NEXT APRIL'S SUM IN ADVANCE."
"BUT THIS," I EXCLAIMED, "IS THE WORST OF ALL GYPS!"
AND HE CHUCKLED AND WINKED AND REJOINED, "READ MY LIPS,"
"THEN YOU'VE COME, "I INQUIRED," FROM THE DREAD IRS
"IN A WORD," ANSWERED HE WITH A PIROUETTE, "YES."
AND ERE FELLED MY BAT, HE APPENDED (QUITE LOUD),
"AND CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS ARE NOW DISALLOWED."

REMOVED FROM PLAYBOY 1990