
                            DEFINITION OF A TWIT

 o Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the carrier.
   They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable time exiting
   via the "Goodbye" command, when they could spend that time calling another
   board.

 o Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to properly
   leave a message on a board.  They think that their message is of such great
   importance that it must be screamed at everyone.

 o Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially
   unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a
   creative one-liner such as "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
   Twits rarely reply to messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as
   the one above.

 o Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell whether
   they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all have one which
   downloads at 18.2 K-Baud, and uploads at 300 baud. If Twits wrote protocols,
   the smallest block they could receive would be 10 megs.

 o Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it. They are
   most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time for them to
   explain the infallable logic as to why they should be given Remote-SysOp
   access to your system. Their second most favored reason for wanting to chat
   is "Just checking to see if you were THERE!"

 o Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability to
   comprehend System Rules, or Upload/Download Ratio's. But, for some
   strange reason, they can still use a computer.

   Because of this handicap, most Twits are unemployed. It is a miracle that
   most of them haven't been retained by the Country to pick up trash on the
   expressways. They'd gladly volunteer for it, if it could be done with a
   modem and they were called "Remote-Trash Downloaders".

 o Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such and such
   file is unavailable, demand access to the "Private Area's", or gripe about
   something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be the electronic equivalent
   of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In fact, there should be some form
   of law to stop it from being written.

 o A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a BBS.
   In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a handle when
   registering with a BBS. (EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy" is!!!)

   The ONLY exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE ELSE's
   real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal rock & roll group.
   (Imagine a system where everyone is named "Guns&Roses")

 o Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded won't run
   on their Atari 800. After all, programs are programs, right? And, any fool
   knows that a 32K machine can hold a 200K program.

 o Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves as
   latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving to the
   Poor (Themselves). Their motto: "If it isn't free, it isn't worth having."

 o Twits NEED multiple user names and logon passwords on each board they call.
   This is the measure of their Twit-dom, and reflects their true status in the
   Twit-community. A Twit with only ONE user name and logon password per board
   is a FAILURE, & faces censure and possible expulsion from their peer group.
   (It is no wonder that Twits exhibit schizo-tendancies).

 o Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar and dynamite
   to get any useful information out of them. These self-professed "experts"
   will RARELY stoop so low as to assist someone who may genuinely need some
   help. After all, a REAL "hacker" never needs or asks for help.

 o Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy faster
   modems. Program Authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they did not
   serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely.

 o A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur".  They KNOW which BBS software is BEST and
   how your system SHOULD look and run. They will not hesitate to inform you
   if it fails to meet their demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider
   this a "Public Service") However,  they would NEVER trouble themselves to
   run their OWN bbs. That might take valuable time away from their duties as
   "Remotes" on the boards they spend all their waking moments calling.

 o Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their motto is
   "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS to work on the
   second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp would intentionally
   offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS.

 o Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search for the
   legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their modem, or all is
   lost. What they would do with it if they reached it, is probably a lot like
   what a dog who chases cars would would do with one if he managed to catch
   it. (Pee on the tires?)

 o Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the most
   unborthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions known on
   Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any difficulties
   they experience with their computers will fall under the heading of
   "Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice".

 o Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods", or "Space-Weenies". To
   reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will upload
   VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as "Weasel-Stompers" for the
   Commodore-64, providing it is less than 10K in size.

 o A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs.
   (Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or spell)
   Their motto: "If you don't need a joystick to play it, it isn't worth
   having".

 o A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files they
   intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs waiting
   on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY uploads, EVER!
   They also refuse to upload documentation. (It is crutch for weak minds and
   the hallmark of the Geek)

 o Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be a
   correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one which
   exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is that flies
   usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't.

 o Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that EVERYONE
   else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to be excluded
   from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?)

 o Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can be a two
   way street will attempt to get around upload\download ratios by renaming the
   same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to fill the sysop's hard
   disk with redundant programs.  After all, rules were meant to be broken,
   right?

 o One final Note:  Twits Are usually aged from 15-24.  At least mentally.

